The Marauders' Companion
by Mibamonster
Summary: When the Marauders and Lily discover 'The Marauders' Companion', a book filled with fan fiction of the Marauder Era, they find out that fanfiction writers are always interesting, if nothing else. JP/LE
1. Forbidden Fruit

**A/N: Okay, so I got this idea to write really bad fanfiction and have the Marauders read it. Everything is written by me; this might be a one-shot, might be continued. I liked writing it, anyway, and if you've a badfic you'd like them to read, you can always ask :) I hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

'You'll never guess what I found in the library,' said Sirius, as he sat down on the couch between James and Lily. In his hands he held a large book, with a black leather binding.

'A book?' said James.

'Yes!'

'Good for you, Sirius,' said Lily, looking a bit miffed. 'After only six and a half years at Hogwarts, you've finally found out what the library's for. I am so proud of you. Now, do you know what people generally do with books or have you not yet reached that stage?'

'There's no need to unleash your unresolved sexual tension on _me_, Evans,' said Sirius. 'James is sitting right over here. And yes, I know what to do with a book. The thing is, this book is _awesome_. It has stories – about us! And some other people, but look, look.' He opened the book and read, '"_One-shot. A day in Lily Evans's life: missing breakfast, worrying about school, daydreaming about James Potter - wait, what? Written in the style of Bridget Jones's Diary. LE/JP_". That's about you, Evans! And James, obviously.'

Lily's jaw dropped and she snatched the book from Sirius. As her eyes slid over the summaries of stories, she raised her eyebrows higher and higher until they were invisible behind her fringe. 'This is… odd,' she said.

'Was that Sirius holding a book?' said Remus, looking up from where he'd been writing his Arithmancy essay.

'It's about us,' said Lily. 'I… I have never… Whow, wait. "The Marauder's Companion: A compilation of some of the best, funniest, strangest, slashiest and otherwise interesting Marauder's Era Fanfiction." _Fanfiction_?'

'What is fanfiction?' said James. 'Why would it be about us?'

'Fanfiction means that, say, a book was written about us by, say, me, other people would write stories about it,' said Lily. Her confusion seemed to be lessened by explaining things. 'So if I wrote a book about you Marauders and other people would, I don't know, write a story from Severus's perspective. That's fanfiction.'

'And people write that about us?' James sounded intrigued. 'I want to know what they're writing about us. That one about you daydreaming about me sounds like it might be fun – can I read it?'

'Certainly not,' said Lily.

'I think you've all forgotten who has _found _this book,' said Sirius, taking the book back from Lily and placing it on his lap. 'Now, I'm willing to share, because I'm just that kind a person, but I get to choose what is being read. Unless you don't want to read about yourselves.'

'I'm quite curious,' said Remus.

'So am I.' James looked around the Common Room, but it was deserted; younger students, who didn't have their N.E.W.T.s to study for, had already gone to bed. 'Shall I get Wormy or should we let him sleep?'

'He needs his sleep; I'll tell him tomorrow,' said Sirius. 'Besides, I want a story about me. If he's going to be here, he's just going to whine that he wants the story to be about him, the wanker.' He cleared his throat and leafed through the pages until he saw a story that had 'Sirius B. and Remus L.' listed as its main characters.

'"_Forbidden Fruit. Remus and Sirius have been best friends for years, but one night seems to mean more to them than they could ever imagine. Slash_" That sounds interesting, no?' said Sirius. 'What's slash?'

'No idea,' said Remus.

'Well, here we go. Ah, I'm going to read a story about me – how awesome _is _this?' And then, Sirius started reading the story to them.

**Remus Lupin had always been a bit of an outsider. He liked to think it was because he was a werewolf, but he knew it went deeper than that. In truth, he had never belonged anywhere, not even when he'd been 'normal'. Now that he was at Hogwarts, he kept waiting for his friends to realize this and abandon him, though the chance of that happening seemed to diminish as time went by. **

'You really think that?' said James, looking at Remus. 'Because we won't leave you, you know, even if you are strange and have a chocolate fetish.'

Remus shrugged. 'I… don't really worry about that anymore. But maybe this is somewhere in second year? I was afraid of it back then…'

**They hadn't even left him when they found out his worst secret.**

**Of course he had another secret, one he couldn't even dream of telling them.**

'How thrilling,' said James. 'His hidden chocolate stash, I want to bet.'

**Or, more specifically, him.**

**Sirius Black.**

**Sitting in the Common Room, Remus looked over at where Sirius, James and Peter were playing Exploding Snap. From the way they were talking, Remus deduced Sirius must've been cheating again; it made Remus smile. Sirius always made Remus smile. **

Here Sirius stopped and gave Remus a suspicious look. 'I know I'm funny, but Remus, this train of thought is a bit… intimate.'

'It's not mine,' said Remus, who'd turned pink. 'Most of the times your jokes are too stupid.'

'It sounds like someone has a crush,' said Lily.

'It's not me.'

'In the story it is.' James wiggled his eyebrows. 'Or maybe Fanfiction!Sirius is just funnier than the one we're stuck with.'

'I'll be continuing then,' said Sirius, with a dark look at James.

**He brought his attention back to his book; there were finals to study for. N.E.W.T.s to pass. **

'Still Remus, then. Had me worried there for a moment, mate,' said Sirius.

**He couldn't go and waste his time – though he admitted it might be debated whether 'looking at Sirius' counted as 'wasting time'.**

'I'm worried again.'

'Should we go for a different story? I'm not sure if I like how I'm portrayed in this.' Remus looked quite troubled.

'Maybe it's just bad writing,' said Lily.

'**Moony, you stupid wanker, stop reading,' said James. 'Sirius won't play fair if you're not here and you need a break anyway. All that reading will ruin your brain cells.'**

'Look! It's me!'

'Shut it, Potter.'

'**I really need to study,' murmured Remus meekly.**

'**Sod that. I said you needed a break,' called James. His voice was so loud, some of the girls in the Common Room – including Lily Evans – threw him annoyed looks. He noticed and winked at them.**

'Look, Evans, that's you!'

'I repeat: Shut it, Potter.'

'But I winked at you!'

'You guys, we're reading about Remus's big crush on me,' said Sirius, who was torn between fascination and revulsion. 'Yes, you're in it, but could you please be quiet? I feel plot development coming on.'

'**Come on, Moony,' said Sirius. 'Come and play.' **

'I feel gay sex coming on,' said Lily.

James looked appalled. 'Evans!'

'What? I can't be the only one to notice the subtext over there! Combined with the "staring at Sirius", I'm very sure this Remus is gay. Which is fine,' she hastened to add, looking at Remus. 'If you're gay, you can tell us.'

'I'm not gay!'

'**Well…' Remus pretended to hesitate, but he knew the battle was lost. How could he refuse Sirius anything? Sirius, whose gorgeous mouth was now curled up in his trademark sexy grin; **

'You've got to be kidding me,' Remus muttered, hiding his head in his hands. 'Who wrote this?'

Sirius checked the author. 'Someone named MissElainePotter. A relative of yours, Prongs? Anyway, yes, we were reading about how no one could refuse me anything because of my striking good looks…'

**Sirius, who had the body of Adonis; Sirius, who made Remus's heart beat faster simply by _existing._**

'**Please, Moony?' Sirius begged softly.**

Sirius snorted. 'I don't "beg". Especially not "softly".'

'That bothers you? I'm portrayed as being gay and in love with you and it bothers you that you say something _softly_?'

'Moony, I have a reputation to uphold. Begging softly just isn't cool.'

'**All right then.' Remus closed the book and went to sit beside his friends. Though he was quite good at Exploding Snap, he kept losing; this was because he, unlike James and Peter, didn't object when Sirius cheated. After all, if he complained, Sirius might stop; he didn't want Sirius to stop. He never wanted Sirius to stop.**

'**You guys, I think I'm off to bed,' murmured Sirius after a couple of rounds**_. _

'And now I'm murmuring! I don't murmur!'

'**Think you'll survive without me?'**

**_No,_ Remus thought. 'Yes,' Remus said.**

'Gay Remus is melodramatic,' said James.

'I'm not gay,' Remus said through clenched teeth.

'If you say so.'

'**Remus, would you mind… coming with me? I needed to ask you something,' said Sirius. His piercing grey eyes rested on Remus, who all but came from their intensity. Sirius's eyes were like silver – like moonlight – like limpid tears. **

'Even I'm getting a bit disturbed by this description of my perfection,' said Sirius, looking queasy. '"Eyes like limpid tears"? Who _writes _something like that?'

**Remus choked. 'No, that's… of course I'll come.' He stiffened, **

'Ooooh!' said Lily.

'Lily, for the love of all that's magic, don't make this any worse,' said Remus.

**wondering if his friends caught the innuendo, but James had his attention turned to Peter – he was explaining something about Transfiguration – and Sirius was already moving towards the dormitory. **

**As they went up the stairs, Remus had a nice view of Sirius's arse. Not that he needed it – they shared showers, after all – but it was always pleasant. **

'Remus the homosexual perv,' said Sirius. 'You don't really stare at me in the showers, do you?'

Remus stared blankly at him. 'What do you think, Sirius?'

'I don't know. This is written from your point of view and you were also worrying about your N.E.W.T.s, it could be that there's truth in more of this.'

**_You need to do something about these feelings_, Remus Lupin, he told himself, closing the door behind him. _Sirius is out of your league. Just get over it, before you get hurt_. **

'**So, what did you want to ask me?' he asked, putting his hands in his pockets. He shifted his weight from one foot to another, wondering what would happen if he just grabbed Sirius by his tie and pulled him close and let his lips – **

'That's not there.' Remus was barely audible. 'Please tell me they did not write of me as thinking about snogging Siri – oh, _Merlin_, I don't want to think about this!'

'I don't know,' said Lily. 'I think it would be kind of sexy, you and Sirius. Right?'

'Evans, no. Just… no.' Sirius shuddered.

**With a mental slap in his face, Remus brought himself back to the present_. Don't be ridiculous._**

**Sirius looked about as awkward as Remus felt. He was playing with his cufflinks, doing and undoing them. Finally he looked up. 'Moony – Remus – I – I don't know how to say this. I'm…' He ran his hand through his hair. 'I'm not good with stuff like this.'**

'**Stuff like this?' Remus mumbled.**

'**Feelings. Emotions.' Sirius sighed and rubbed his face with his hands. 'Remus, I… I love you. **

Sirius dropped the book. He stared at hit, agape. 'They did not just make me gay!'

'Sucks, doesn't it?' said Remus.

'They can't have written me as gay. Don't they know anything about me? I'm a walking shagmobile!' Sirius shook his head. 'How did that line get in there? When did anyone think I was gay?'

'Well, you do have very shiny hair,' said Lily. 'And good skin, nice clothes… I could imagine people mistaking you for gay. Shall I continue?'

'No, no, I can do it.' He picked the book up again and restarted reading.

**This probably seems weird to you, but I can't keep it in me any longer. Watching you, every day, thinking about you, wanting you… **

Sirius choked. 'I don't like where this is going.'

**It's driving me crazy, Moony.' His eyes blazed with a sudden fury and he grabbed Remus by his upper arms. 'Say you feel the same way. Please don't say all this – all this love has been for nothing?'**

'**Of course it hasn't.' Love spread through Remus like an electric current, making his hairs stand up. He clasped Sirius's face between his hands. 'Sirius, I love you too – more than anything.' **

Sirius closed his eyes, closed the book and threw it across the room, where it landed against the wall.

'The rest was… not good,' said Sirius, answering James's surprised look. 'Someone wrote how Remus and I had _sex_. Remus. And I. As in…' He groaned. 'They described me having anal sex with Moony. That's just revolting.'

'There is fanfiction about how – do I even want to know what the original works were?' said James.

'Everything inspires gay fanfiction, James,' said Lily. 'It could be about ponies and dresses and every man would still be gay. It's how things work in fanfiction. At least, that's what Petunia said; she writes fanfiction for Jane Austen and once said loads of other writers think Bingley and Darcy are gay, for instance.'

'Who are they?' said James. 'Wait, never mind. What I want to know is…'

'Why me?' Sirius howled.

'I don't know. Oh, come on, it could've been a whole lot worse. _Accio book_.' Lily caught the book just before it hit her in the face. 'Not _all _the stories in here can be strange, homosexual things. Life could be a whole lot worse.'

'Yeah, right. _You _didn't just read a story where you – I'm going to take a shower. And I don't want _either _of you in it.' Sirius got up and glared at his friends. 'Lily, you are welcome, as I feel the need to remind myself of beautiful women…'

'Thanks, but I think I'll pass.'

'Just as well.' Sirius took a deep breath and took off, leaving the other three to stare at the book.

'This might become interesting,' said Remus.


	2. Lily Evans: Demon Huntress

'Why is that still here?' Sirius glared at the book Lily was holding. 'Hasn't it caused enough damage already?'

'Don't be such a sissy, Sirius,' she said. 'I've read some of them – they aren't all that bad. I mean, there was this adorable one about you and James and how you met for the first time and I've just begun a story, _Night of the wolf, _which has a truly _heartbreaking _way of portraying Remus.'

'Lily, it's evil,' said Sirius.

James appeared by Sirius's side; he was still wearing his pyjamas and his hair looked even messier than usual. 'What is?'

'This, apparently.' Lily held up the book. 'Sirius, if you don't want to read it, fine. Just don't try to stop me from doing so, because this is _fun_. Although I must say, I am portrayed as a bit of a stuck-up whiny Prefect-person most of the time.'

'You're not whiny,' said James. 'Would you mind sharing some with me? After what I read yesterday… I'm curious.'

'Prongs, you are a wanker and don't deserve me for a friend.' Sirius grabbed the book from Lily's hands and snapped it shut. '_I _found this book, so _I _decide who reads what. And right now, _I _am going to the dormitory and read stuff about Lily, just because I can.' He paused. 'You are welcome to join me. If you dare.'

'Hey, I'm not the one who threw that book at the wall,' Lily said, getting up. 'You coming too, James?'

Something flitted across James's face, but it was too fast for Lily to see what emotion it was. 'I might as well,' he said, putting his hands in the pockets of his pyjama pants. 'It should be interesting.'

'Of course it's going to be interesting. If they butcher up Lily as much as they did with me…' Sirius ran up the stairs to the dormitory.

Lily was aware of the other students looking at her and whispering as she followed Sirius to their dormitory. She wanted to roll her eyes, but she knew that had _she _seen the Head Girl going to the room where four teenage boys slept, one of whom had a crush on her, she would whisper about it, too.

'Can't we do this downstairs?' she asked, as she entered the dormitory and was hit with a wave of boy deodorant. 'People are going to think I'm shagging one of you.'

'Not my problem.' Sirius was sitting on his bed in the lotus pose and patted the empty space next to him. 'Want to join me, Evans?'

'No.' She looked around for the cleanest bed, which would be Remus's, but it turned out Remus was still asleep, so she took a seat beside James on _his _bed. Wrapping her arms around her knees, she said, 'All right, go and read a story about me. Make it a good one.'

'Okay, how about this one: _Lily Evans: Demon Huntress. "Everybody thinks Lily Evans is just your average Hogwarts student, but she has a dark and deep secret. T for violence._" It sounds like it should be fun, right?' Sirius's eyes twinkled.

'Lily Evans _Demon Huntress?_' James said. 'That should be hilarious!'

Lily shrugged. 'Bring it on.'

**A/N: So this is that story I told you I wanted to write. SB/LE for ever!**

**Red was the blood that came up to Lily Evans's ankles. **

'O…kay. That's a nice start,**' **said Lily. 'Not even a sentence in and already I'm up to my ankles in blood.'

'You haven't had gay sex yet. Though maybe you will.' Sirius grinned and continued reading.

**The demon lying at her feet groaned and the sound was like the murder on a thousand innocent kittens. Lily sneered at him in disgust before taking her axe and, with one final exposition of her powers, she slashed off his head.**

'I'm pretty kick-ass, aren't I? I've an axe!'

'Evans, you are interrupting my wonderful reading. Be quiet.'

'**That was it for tonight,' she told no one in particular. She threw her hair back over her shoulder. It was raven black with pink and blue streaks **

'… What?'

'That's what it says, Prongs,' said Sirius. 'Don't worry, it gets worse.'

**and it came down to her lower back, cascading like a wave of the purest water. For a second she thought back of who she'd been, only a year ago, before The Change. She'd had boring red hair and green eyes and freckles; **

Lily's hand shot up and touched her hair. 'There's nothing wrong with that,' she told the book. Already she started to understand Sirius's problems better; it was one thing reading about your friends acting strange, but experiencing it yourself was horrible.

James nudged her. 'I like the red hair-green eyes thing.'

**nothing like the perfect ivory skin and jet-black eyes she had now. **

**She went back to the Hogwarts Castle that loomed over the school grounds like a big, looming castle. Thinking of the students in there, she felt nothing but pity for them.**

'I feel pity for me,' Lily said. 'Feel pity for yourself! You have _pink hair!_'

**They had no idea of the Forces going on in the universe, of the danger they were in every single day. They didn't know how lucky they were to have a Protector like her. **

This mollified Lily a bit. 'All right, all right, if I'm a Protector, it's… not as bad.'

'Lily, "Protector" is a cheesy term,' said Sirius. 'I mean, have you forgotten what you just did? That demon groaned like…' He reread what the book said. 'Like the murder on a thousand innocent kittens! That's serious business and the best name they could come up with is "Protector"?'

'Well, I'm sorry, but I haven't seen _you _going around saving the school,' Lily said. 'I believe you were too busy making out with Remus for that.'

'Oooh. That must hurt,' James said, as Sirius flinched.

'Don't ever bring that up again, Evans,' said Sirius.

'Then you don't go bitching about how I'm a Protector. At least I do useful things in the fanfiction universe.'

**She knew someone was watching her long before he stepped out of the shadows. **

'**Why, hello, Miss Evans,' he said, crossing his arms in front of his muscular chest. His long, black duster swayed in the cool November-night wind. **

'This purple prose is killing me,' Remus said from his bed. 'Can't you read something a bit less… over-the-top?'

'Remus, you're interrupting my dramatic moment with a muscular man. I know the writing is terrible, but it's the plot that counts.'

**In the darkness, his grey eyes looked silver, like limpid tears. **

'How does that work?' said James.

'I don't like the description "limpid tears" for eyes.' Remus had taken his duvet and went to sit beside Sirius. 'It sounds a bit scary, if you think about it.'

'**How was the hunt tonight?'**

**She reached into the pocket of her leather dress **

'Hmm. I must say, I kind of like that image.'

'Really, Prongs? Even with the blue hair?'

James glanced aside and gave Lily a once-over. 'I think that, even with blue and pink hair, Lily would look hot in a leather dress.'

**and got out something wet and pulsing. Throwing the demon's heart at his feet, she said, 'You could've helped, you know.'**

'**But I _did_, my dear. Someone had to keep Dumbledore busy. It would've been most unfortunate if he came outside and found out what you do when you should be patrolling.' The person smiled; his teeth seemed unnaturally white in the moonlight. **

'**Dumbledore,' she spat. 'What is he to me? **

'Hey! I like Dumbledore!'

**He knows not of the powers I possess. He wouldn't understand this.'**

'**All the more reason to keep him away from this all.'**

**She didn't agree with him. She rarely did. **

'See, that's what's so interesting about this book,' said Remus. 'One moment, the people who are "us" are so completely random I'm sure they can't be talking about us, but then something like this shows up. Lily never agrees with anyone.'

'That's not true. I agree with you all the time.'

'I say we make a bet about who the man in the shadows is,' said Sirius. 'A galleon says it's Slughorn.'

'Padfoot, he's muscular.'

'I still think it's Slughorn.'

James shook his head. 'I think… I'm just going to say it's me.'

'I think it's James, too,' said Remus. 'It would definitely go with the "She rarely agreed with him".'

'And Lily doing wet and pulsing things with him and giving him her heart, don't forget that,' said Sirius, which made Lily glare at him.

'Well, _I _think you're all wrong. I want to bet it's…' She thought of who she'd put as the dark, dangerous stranger who could give her powers. If she was very honest with herself, she knew who she'd use for the biggest dramatic effect. 'Assuming I'm a bit strange and forget everything I've ever been taught… I think it's Voldemort.'

James frowned. 'What?'

'Oh, come on. People wouldn't see it coming, because I'm a Muggleborn, so it would be this "big reveal". And if I was on the dark side, that would explain the black hair and eyes. Dark side, dark looks, that kind of thing.' She shrugged.

'That sounds… more logical than Slughorn. Okay, I join Lily in saying it's Voldemort,' said Sirius. 'Now, shall we continue and find out?'

**Though she would be eternally grateful to the one who had given her these powers, they had a lot of arguments. Of course, she suspected he did this simply to provoke her. The sex was always better after they'd had a heated fight.**

'Now I'm really hoping I'm right,' said James.

'So am I.' Lily's nose was wrinkled in disgust. 'I'd hate to… yugh. Maybe Voldemort is a bit old. Maybe it's a handsome young Death Eater.'

'Never thought you'd be so superficial, Evans,' said Sirius.

'I didn't write this! _If _I'm on the bad side and have sex with it, I can at least hope it's good-looking, right?'

**Just to get back to him, she said, 'Well, seeing as you haven't done anything _actually _useful, I guess I'll be going inside. I'm sure James Potter would _love _to help me.' **

'Sorry mate,' said Remus. 'If it makes you feel any better, that isn't actually Lily. You might still have a chance.'

'Now I want to know who _is _this guy. I need to send hate vibes at them. And maybe hex their underwear.'

Lily placed a hand on his shoulder. 'James, you do realize that this is just a story and that I'm not really having sex with someone from the dark side? Death Eater _or _Voldemort?'

'By the way, am I the only one who thinks it's strange that what we know now could mean either a _very bad guy _or Prongs?' said Sirius, looking at his best friend. 'It is a most suspicious case, hmm?'

'Just continue, Black.'

'**Never!' Sirius Black stepped forward and grabbed her by her shoulders. **

'Why do I have sex with everyone?' Sirius whimpered. 'Why am I this bad person? I don't want to be a scary guy lurking in the shadows.' He handed the book to Remus. 'You must continue, Remus, I cannot do it any longer.'

'This story stinks,' said James. 'As if Sirius would ever have sex with you.'

'**Don't you dare say something like that. He isn't worthy of you, Lily. James Potter of all people! James Potter!'**

'Sirius, I hate this you.'

'So do I, Prongs. This is almost as – no, never mind.' Sirius sighed. 'It's nowhere as bad as me in that other story. But it's still very bad.'

**She tried to hide her contentment at this outburst. James Potter was always a weak spot for Sirius. **

'Maybe you have gay sex with him as well,' said Lily. 'First Remus, now James and you just - '

'Evans.'

'I couldn't resist. Sorry, Sirius.'

'**Oh really? I always thought you were friends. **

'We are! WE ARE!' Sirius shouted at the book.

Remus moved away from him. 'There's no need to yell. It's just a story, Sirius.'

**Shouldn't you be _happy _for him that the girl he loves is finally interested?' **

'I AM! I AM happy for James that Lily's interested!'

Lily cocked her head. 'Sirius, you do know that I'm not interested in James?'

'You are.'

'I'm not.'

'Shall we save this discussion for later?' James asked.

'She is,' Sirius mouthed at him when Lily didn't look.

**Sirius's breathing quickened as he saw the challenge in her eyes. He shook his head, slowly, sensually. **

'This is going to be bad,' whispered James.

'**Don't _ever _say something like that again, Evans,' he whispered. 'I might have to hurt you.'**

'Don't you dare!'

Lily raised her eyebrows at James. 'James, _if _by some strange shift in the universe Sirius had the guts to even contemplate hurting me, I'd curse him into the new millennium. This is so unrealistic. I mean, I just killed a demon with a thousand kittens, there's no way that _that _me would be afraid of Sirius hurting me!'

'**Try your best,' she challenged. **

**The next moment, his lips were on hers and they were touching, kissing, biting. Lily moaned when **

'And that's where I'll stop reading,' said Sirius. 'Why does everything end with me having sex with people I'd never have sex with? What kind of strange world _is _fan fiction? Have they no idea of… of my complicated psyche? Or the Marauders' code?'

'You're not the only one acting Out of Character,' said Lily. She took the book from Remus and looked at the beginning of the story. 'And… Remember that author's note at the beginning? I think we could've seen that sex scene coming.' For a moment, her eyes flickered down to the end of the page, but upon seeing some of the words there – 'sword of manliness' and 'love pillows' among them – she decided she'd rather not know.

'What do you mean?' James asked.

She pointed at the top of the page. 'See that? "SB/LE Forever"? Those are our initials. She must ship us,' she told Sirius.

'Ship?' Remus said.

'Yes, shipping people means… you want them to be together, basically. Though why anyone would ship Sirius and me…' She took a deep breath. 'Okay, so this was strange and ended… even more strangely. I'm going to pick a good story now, if you're up for another one.'

'No,' Sirius said at the same time James and Remus said, 'Yes.'

'So, here we go…'

* * *

**A/N: Thanks to everyone who's reviewed! I have some more ideas for strange fanfiction (clichés), but if you have a story you'd like them to read (it doesn't have to be bad), do let me know. I hope you enjoyed it!**


	3. Little Potters

'This one should be fun,' said Sirius. 'It's called _Little Potters _and it lists James as the protagonist. Let's see what happens to _you¸ _eh?' He grinned at James, who looked a bit uncomfortable.

'The fanfiction about James isn't that bad,' said Lily. 'They usually make him a bit of a sissy when I'm around, but other than that he seemed pretty normal in fanfiction-world. At least he did in the stories I read.' She got a dreamy expression on her face.

'Ah… right. Well, mate, maybe you're lucky.' Sirius cleared his throat and started reading.

**James stared at the small stick he held in his hand.**

**He'd always been skinny; he'd accepted a long time ago that he would never be very muscular and bulky. He could eat all he wants without getting fat – or so he'd thought. **

'Is this a story about how I get fat? People write about that?'

Lily shrugged. 'Maybe it's about how I like chubby boys and this is how you managed to make babies on me?'

He blinked. '… Maybe… Are there many stories about us making babies?'

Her cheeks became red. 'There might be some.'

'We'll get to that porn later,' said Sirius. 'I'm sure I can find one.'

**Yet there was now undeniably a small bump between his hips. **

**Looking at his reflection in the mirror, he placed his hand on his stomach. Yes, there was something there – a small bump that had never been there. **

'You're pregnant,' said Remus, nodding.

'Lily's pregnant?' Peter's voice came from his bed. Half his hair stuck to his face and his eyes were still half-closed as he looked at his friends.

'No, James is,' said Sirius.

'Of course I'm not pregnant,' James said. 'I'm not sure if you lot have noticed, but I'm a boy.'

'**It can't be,' he muttered. He tried looking at his body from another angle, but no matter what he did, there was no denying it. And even _if _his body hadn't visibly changed, the stick in his hand told him the truth.**

**James Potter was pregnant.**

'Oh Merlin, no.' James buried his face in his hands. 'Remus, how did you know I was going to be pregnant? I want to bet you wrote this thing.'

Remus looked insulted. 'Prongs! I'd never come up with something like this!'

'What on _earth _are you doing?' Peter asked.

'Reading a story about how Prongs is pregnant,' said Sirius.

'Is that as nonsensical as it sounds?'

'Yeah.'

Without looking up, James said, 'Could we read another story? One that follows the laws of nature and has me having babies with Lily? Or one that follows the laws of nature and has me being rejected by her? Or one that doesn't follow any laws but at least doesn't involve me being _pregnant_, for fuck's sake!'

**The bathroom door opened and Lily came in. **

'The test is hers!' Relief flooded over James's features. 'We can continue this one.'

'Hey, I'm not the one in the story with a bump,' Lily said.

'It was an error from the author.'

'**James? Are you almost – what is -' She grabbed the pregnancy test and looked fiercely at it. She stood agape as she looked at James. 'James? What is this? Is this yours?'**

**He nodded. He now realized he wasn't wearing a shirt,**

Lily glanced to her right, but that James was still wearing one, unfortunately.

**so he got his from a hanger and put it on. 'I've been feeling weird lately, eating all kinds of stuff, and I felt sick in the morning, so I thought…'**

**Lily shook her head; her fiery red hair, hair James thought he'd loved when he was a teenager, was up in a ponytail. 'And so you thought you – have you had unsafe sex?'**

'Lily just acknowledges James could get pregnant from unsafe sex, people,' said Sirius. 'Evans, do you need me to explain something called "the birds and the bees" to you?'

'**Well, yes, but - '**

'**James!' She threw the test at him. 'How could you be so unthinking?'**

'Well, that's pretty in-character,' said Remus. 'Shouting at James while throwing things at him.'

'**I don't know,' he groaned.**

**She looked at his belly. 'You _know _Potters are known for male pregnancy. **

'Say _what_?' Peter said.

'Please repeat that,' said Lily. 'I must've misheard you.'

Grinning, Sirius said, '"You _know _Potters are known for male pregnancy!" Man, I'd never thought I'd say that. It has to be the best sentence in the whole world. "You _know _Potters are known for male pregnancy!"'

James was lost for words; there was simply no way he could describe what he felt right now. He just shook his head, trying to get his brain to work again. 'Wut?'

**Why weren't you more careful?'**

'**I didn't think it would happen to me!' He threw his hands in the air, before using them to seize his hair. 'I mean, my dad was fine - '**

'**Your dad was _straight!_'**

'I… What _is _this?' James said. 'Who _writes _this?'

'Whoever it is, he's a genius. Oh, if only I'd come up with something like this…' Sirius laughed. 'It's good to know Charlus didn't give birth to you; that would've been weird.'

'**Oh, so you think that if I'd had sex with girls, I wouldn't be pregnant?' he challenged. **

'This is so weird. This is _so _weird,' James said. 'What is this?'

'**Yes! Speaking of which – who _is _the father? Or rather, the other father.' **

Peter frowned. 'How… where is the baby in James's body? How will it get… out?'

All faces turned to look at him. It was Remus who finally said, 'Pete, that is something we shouldn't think about.'

**Lily thought of the people they shared the apartment with: Mary was a girl, so she couldn't be the one, and Lily knew _she _hadn't impregnated James. **

'There is so much wrong with that sentence,' Lily said. 'How on earth would I be able to -'

'Lily, when we're having babies, I suggest you are the one who gets pregnant. Not me. This entire thing is bad for my mental health.'

'_If _we're ever having babies, then yes, I'll be the pregnant one. God, I can't believe I just said that.'

**So the people left were Sirius, Remus and Peter – unless James had had sex with someone else entirely. **

'So now this author thinks one of us might have…?' Peter said, looking uncomfortable.

'Had sex with James? Yes,' said Lily. 'But that's no news; Remus and Sirius were at it yesterday night, too.'

'That couldn't be mentioned anymore!'

'Well, _apparently _it's not that uncommon in the fanfiction-verse. You'd think everyone is gay.'

**James shrugged. He looked quite hopeless. 'I'm not sure.'**

'**But who might it be?'**

'**Padfoot, maybe. Or Remus.' He hesitated.**

'You're kidding me. I might be pregnant from _Padfoot?_' James had gone the colour of old milk.

**Lily sensed it. 'There's someone else as well?'**

'Look! It might not be Sirius or Remus,' Lily said. 'Things aren't as bad!'

'Lily, this implies that I've had sex with three men. That _is _bad.'

'I wonder why you didn't have sex with me,' said Peter.

Sirius looked at Remus. 'Is he implying he'd like sex with Prongs?'

'I don't know,' Remus said.

Peter turned a bright crimson. 'Of course not! It's just… he'd have sex with you two, so it would be strange that he didn't…'

'Peter, you're…' James stopped and took a moment to recollect himself. 'I'm never going to have sex with you. Or Pads, or Moony. And please don't talk about this. I don't – I don't want to think about this any more.'

'Could you be quiet? I want to know who the third person is,' Lily said. 'Sirius, go on.'

'**That happened only once. But it did happen about two months ago.' He pointed at the test, which said he was about two months pregnant. 'So I suppose I couldn't rule him out entirely…'**

**She placed a hand on his shoulder. 'Who is it?'**

'**I can't tell you.'**

'Two galleons that it's Dumbledore,' Sirius said.

'That is revolting,' said James. 'That is absolutely revolting, Pads.'

Sirius skimmed the page. When he looked up again, he had a devilish smile on his face. 'Oh, but what's written in this story is a _lot _worse than old Albus, James. You're going to wish it was Albus.'

'Get on with it!'

'**James, you know you can tell me everything. Was it a doe? Because that would be very strange,' she said, barely containing her laughter.**

'They – oh, no, I'm not pregnant from a doe, am I? That _is _worse than Dumbledore!'

Lily narrowed her eyes as she looked at James. 'How on earth would you get pregnant from a doe? You don't… go around shagging animals… do you?' she added hesitantly.

'Of course not. No. Christ, no, I'm not having sex with does. It's just that… This is a very long story,' James said. He scratched his nose and didn't look at Lily. 'I'll tell you some time. But I don't have sex with does.'

'Not even in this story,' said Sirius. 'Don't worry. At least not about _that._'

'**It's not a doe.'**

'**Then who was it?'**

**He took a deep, deep breath through his nose. 'Severus.'**

'Oh, no, they didn't. They did _not._' James took the book from Sirius and read the story; but the name at the end was indeed that of his nemesis. 'I think we can all say that this story is one big pile of crap and should not be read any further. This…'

'This implies Snivelly took you through your ass, mate.' Sirius crunched up his nose. 'That's gross.'

James closed his eyes and did nothing but take deep breaths for ten seconds. When he opened his eyes again, he said, 'Sirius, if you _ever _say something like that again, I'm going to find the worst story of you and Moony and read it out to you. All the time.'

'I'd rather have sex with Moony than with Snivelly,' Sirius said.

'I cannot believe they're having this conversation,' Remus said, looking at Peter, who shrugged.

'You are the ones who found that story,' he said. 'I don't want to know how you even found something like this.'

'I feel filthy,' James said. 'I really need to take a shower.'

'Need Snivellus to join you?' Sirius asked.

James glared at him. 'One more time, Black, and you'll regret it.'

Lily stared at his back as he walked to the bathroom. She had to say, those pyjama pants suited him. The way they hung off his hips made her think of one of the stories she'd read yesterday night, where the Lily Evans of the moment had wangsted about her crush on James Potter. Of course the real Lily didn't fancy him, but it was at times like these that she had to admit he wasn't all that bad.

* * *

**A/N: and another common fanfiction theme has been tackles: The Mpreg! Would you believe me if I told you I'm _not _the one who came up with 'You know Potters are known for male pregnancy!' I read it on a tumblr for bad fanfiction, but I don't know what fic it comes from. Also, I repeat my request: has anyone got fics for them to read? I've got some ideas, but variation is always welcome, no?**


	4. Ariana Riddle I

Remus smiled as he read through a story of his friends telling him they knew of his lycanthropy. He'd read a few of them and he had to be fair, some of them were pretty accurate. It was strange to think people had put so much effort in trying to know how he thought and acted, but for some it had paid off.

'Hey. Reading them again?' Lily sat beside him on the couch and glanced over his shoulder. 'Oh, I read that one as well. It's good, isn't it?'

He nodded. 'By the way, have you noticed how everybody who doesn't think James is pregnant seems to think you and him are getting babies? Or at least together? I must've come across a hundred stories listing you two as a pairing…'

'I know. There are some in which James proposes and I say yes.' She sighed. 'If anything, I'd never accept him if he proposed in such a cheesy way. James can be dramatic all he wants, but if he gets down on one knee and conjures up hundreds of roses, there's no way I'd accept him.'

'I'll tell him. Or you could do so yourself, seeing as he's over there.'

Lily followed Remus's look and saw James, Peter and Sirius coming through the Portrait hole. James was wearing his Quidditch robes and listening to something Peter was saying, while Sirius let his eyes glide across the room. Soon he had found Remus and Lily.

'Ah, there you are. My favourite bed partner and demon huntress,' he said, coming to sit with them. 'How are you now?'

'I thought we weren't supposed to bring up that story again?' Remus said.

'You aren't, but I can do so when I deem appropriate. Have you read any other stories telling us of how James is a biological abomination?' Sirius saw James and Peter were coming, too, and quickly went to sit so he took in as much space as possible, forcing James and Peter to find their own chairs.

'No more stories of James's pregnancy, alas,' Remus said. 'I found one where you turn into a girl, though…?'

'Let's not read that.'

'No, I've already listened to enough of Padfoot's whining about his hair,' said James.

'Well, in that case I could read to you about…' He licked his fingers and turned a couple of pages. '_Ariana Riddle: Year one_. It's about… 'OC'.'

'Original character,' Lily said.

'She knows too much about this, it's suspicious,' Sirius said. 'But all right, Ariana Riddle. Bring it on, I say! Maybe we can finally have that lesbian sex I've been waiting for.' Here he threw a surreptitious glance at Lily, but she didn't notice.

**Ariana Riddle had never been like the others. **

'A good start, lesbian-sex wise,' Sirius said, nodding.

**She would always stand out in a crowd; people would always whisper things behind her back. As she walked through the Hogwarts Express, looking for an empty compartment, she wondered idly if she would have more luck at this new school. Maybe this time people wouldn't laugh at her, maybe this time she wouldn't be bullied because she didn't know who her parents were. **

'Do we _know _an Ariana Riddle?' James said. 'Or do we belong to the people who bully and ignore her?'

'I don't know her,' said Peter.

'She's a new student at Hogwarts,' said Remus. 'Maybe she's a first year. Maybe she won't come until next year.'

'Maybe this isn't based on real life and doesn't necessarily feature the people who actually attend Hogwarts.' Sirius tapped the side of his nose. 'What would you say of that, eh?'

**Though she didn't know it, Ariana was very pretty. **

'I feel a Mary Sue coming on,' Lily said.

'A what?'

'Just keep on reading; I've no doubt she will expose herself. They always do.'

**Her hair cascaded down her back like a waterfall of gold and her eyes were of the clearest blue. She didn't have a tan, but her skin was a perfect porcelain white, save for a few freckles across her nose and cheeks. She was slender, but with curves in all the right places. **

'Definitely a Mary Sue, then.'

'What's a Mary Sue?' said Peter.

'A Mary Sue is a character – usually female – without any flaws. Everybody likes her, the world basically revolves around her, and she usually has this one fake flaw, like clumsiness or something, or how she can't say no. They're horrible characters, because they've no depth to them,' Lily said. 'And because they're perfect to start with, there's almost never any character development.'

'How do you know these things?' Sirius asked.

She shrugged. 'I read a lot.'

**She had never had a boyfriend. **

'Are Mary Sues often lesbian?' Sirius looked hopeful.

'No, they usually latch on to the first handsome male they come across,' Lily said with a wave of her hand. 'So in fanfiction about us, I suppose that would be you or Remus or something.'

Sirius considered this. 'Well, she sounds hot. I suppose she could shag me…'

'She will warp you so much out of character, you won't recognize yourself,' Lily said.

'It can't be worse than Sirius shagging Moony,' said James. 'Anything is in-character compared to that.'

**Nobody ever talked long enough to her to realize she wasn't a freak – she was just shy. **

'It's the faux-flaw,' Lily whispered.

**Even as she told herself she would try harder this time, she knew her time at Hogwarts was doomed to be a disaster as well. Who could ever like her, some stupid, Muggleborn orphan? **

'And… she's a bitch,' Lily said. 'Though that was to be expected. And an orphan. A bitchy orphan – the standard Mary Sue formula!'

**She finally found an empty compartment and went to sit by the window. She took out a book – _War and Piece_ by Tolstoy, her favourite – and started reading. She had a long journey ahead.**

'Now there's an empty line and we start out with us,' Remus said.

'**There are no more empty compartments,' James Potter informed Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. 'There's just one in the back with only one girl in it. Shall we sit over there?'**

'**Depends. Is she hot?' Sirius questioned.**

'So far, Sirius sounds pretty in-character,' Peter said, a doubtful expression on his face.

'**Very hot.'**

'**Then what are we waiting for?' Sirius roared. **

'Only looking at a girl's body and then shouting he wants his way – yes, this should be Sirius,' Remus said drily.

'Up yours, Moony,' said Sirius.

Remus flinched. 'You are not allowed to say that anymore.'

Lily giggled when Sirius's face dawned with understanding of the implications. 'Moony! Did you have to say that?'

**He moved past James and opened the door to the compartment. When he saw the girl, his breath caught in his throat. James was right – she _was _hot. Those red lips, the big eyes, her long legs… **

'Hmmm. Nice,' Sirius said.

'**Hey,' he said. 'Mind if we join you?'**

**Ariana shook her head, feeling her heart beat in het throat as the four boys came in. Three of them were very good looking; one, the one who had spoken, had long, dark hair and grey eyes, like limpid tears. **

'Again with those tears! _I don't have eyes like that!_'

'Hey, at least she thinks you're handsome,' James said.

**He wore a smug, sexy grin and a T-shirt of the Beatles. The other black-haired boy wore glasses and had an athletic build, with abs clearly visible through his shirt. **

Remus stopped reading and looked at James, along with the rest. More precisely, they looked at his torso, where there were no abs visible through his shirt.

'It's flattering how she describes me,' James said, when he started feeling awkward.

'No, Prongs, it's lying,' said Sirius.

**Then there was a boy with sandy hair; he was pale and skinny, and nowhere near as hot as the other two, **

'Sorry, Remus,' said Sirius. 'We can't help it that we're this irresistible.'

'Oh, it's all right.' Remus thought back of another story he'd read, where there had been spoken of a Remus Lupin fan club. He knew he had his share in the fan girl market, too, strange as the idea was.

**but still all right. The last boy was pudgy and uninteresting (A/N FUCK YOU PETER PETTIGREW!1!eleven).**

'Oh, very funny, Remus,' Peter said.

'I didn't make it up! It's actually there.' Remus held up the book and pointed at the offending sentence.

'But why does she hate me?'

'I don't know.' Lily got up and put an arm around him. 'We don't hate you, don't worry. And anyway, this girl thinks _James _is _muscular_; she's obviously not the sharpest tool in the box.'

'**Who are you?' the boy with the glasses asked.**

'**Ariana Riddle,' she whispered shyly.**

'**Cool. I'm James Potter,' he said. 'These are Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. Are you new at Hogwarts?'**

**She nodded.**

'**Wow. I didn't know Hogwarts took transfer students,' said Sirius. **

'And Sirius points out something very important,' Lily said. 'Does Hogwarts take transfer students?'

'Not that I've ever heard of,' said James.

'I think we need to give her a bit of space here,' said Remus. 'It's a story, after all; she should get some room for improvisation, to help the plot and everything.'

**He guessed she had to be around their age, maybe a year or so younger. **

'And what age are we in this story?' Sirius said. 'Why is this suddenly written from my perspective? I thought we were reading it from hers!'

**Already he was planning on asking her out. 'So where are you from?'**

**She couldn't tell him; they would all flee from her. **

Remus snorted. 'Please. Those idiots don't run from anything, even when they should.'

'You do know you're with us there, too?' Peter said.

'I belong in the category of idiots who don't run away when they should. If I didn't, I wouldn't be reading this right now,' he said.

**It was better to be vague, she thought. 'America.'**

'**That's awesome,' breathed the boy named James. 'So do you know yet what House you'll be in?'**

'**No, I don't. Houses?' she asked.**

**James and Sirius started explaining the House-system to her, while Remus and Pettigrew talked about something else, like the next full moon. **

'That was… a random piece of information,' Peter said. 'Why would we talk about that with her near?'

'This is the first sign of your brains disappearing,' said Lily. 'That often happens to canon characters, so the Mary Sue looks good in comparison.'

**Ariana couldn't help but feel happy these boys were talking to her; of course they couldn't be friends, but it was nice to have someone to talk to.**

**Maybe this won't be so bad, she thought happily. **

**Of course she knew that wasn't true.**

**But she had to try, didn't she?**

'She's a bit whiny, isn't she?' Sirius said. 'I'm not sure if I want fanfiction!me shagging her. Even if she does have blonde hair and large tits. '

'Fanfiction!you might not be the one to be her true love,' Remus said. 'There's another author's note.'

**A/N: Tell me what you think! The next chapter should be up soon – the introduction of Snape and Lily! Do U think she should get with James or Sirius? xxx ArianaRiddle**

'She writes about herself with us?' Peter asked.

'That's what it looks like,' said Remus. 'And she doesn't know yet who she's going to end up with…' He looked at the next page, but it was blank. 'Huh. Turns out chapter two has never been written.'

'Or just not _yet_,' said James. 'Maybe it'll come.'

'Remember when we were making bets?' Lily said. 'I'd like to make one. One galleon says that, no matter who she ends up with, she'll at least snog both Sirius, James _and _someone else.'

'Fine. I say she ends with me,' said Sirius. 'And doesn't snog anyone else.'

'I'm with Sirius on this,' said Remus.

'I think she'll end up with Sirius, but snogs me too,' said James.

'And I say she ends up with some Dark Wizard,' Peter said.

'This is going to be exiting.' Lily clasped her hands. 'What, oh what, will Ariana do?'

'And on that interesting cliff-hanger, it's time for the next story. This time, I'm going to read,' said James. 'So you'd better pay attention.'


	5. Territory

'Okay, this one's called _Territory_ and is about Sirius and me.'

'I don't want to read this,' said Sirius.

'Don't care. It's listed under "humor/friendship" – that doesn't sound like I'm going to be pregnant with your child or something strange like that. The summary says - ' James cleared his throat and read, '"'I could be your pet and you'd have to take care of me and I could lie on Lily's lap whenever I wanted and look under her skirts, and nobody would notice…' A late-night conversation between James and Sirius, featuring peeing for territory, girls and possibly becoming a pet." That doesn't sound too bad, does it?'

'I don't know about that peeing, but as long as none of us has sex with someone else, I'm fine with it,' said Peter. 'Bring it on.'

**The two young men were sprawled across a red couch, both with a bottle of Butterbeer in their hands. It was obvious they weren't the only ones living in that place; there was no way these men would have kept the place as neat as it was, **

'So I assume we're living with Moony then,' said James to Sirius, who nodded.

'What makes you think you are one of those two men? Maybe they're Peter and Remus,' said Lily.

'Nah, it's us. I just know we are,' said Sirius.

**nor would they have picked a couch matching the curtain and pillows matching the couch. However, for the moment they were the only ones there.**

James read the next sentence in his head, but not aloud. 'I think we should be reading a different story,' he said.

'Gay porn so early on?' said Remus. 'Wow.'

'That's not it, it's just - '

'James, stop being such a lousy wanker,' Lily said. 'You chose this story and now you're going to read it. I don't care how awkward things might be between you and Sirius.'

James choked. 'Okay, just, er… don't go berserk when you hear.'

'**Prongs, does Lily know we're Animagi?' Sirius said.**

He couldn't continue, because he was interrupted by a loud 'WHAT?'

'Shit, Prongs, did you have to read that?' Sirius said, looking around the Common room for fear someone had overheard it.

'I said I wanted a different story…'

'Please tell me that this is due to the imagination of the author,' said Lily, who was pinching the bridge of her nose. 'Don't say that oh, wait, the two of you are Animagi.'

'We're not Animagi,' said Peter, though he didn't convince her.

'Oh, no. Oh no. How could you be – this – _what_?'

James put the book away and grabbed Lily's hands. 'Now, Lily, I told you not to panic. Yes, we are Animagi, but we have an excuse.'

Her eyes nearly bugged out of her head. 'Oh really? You have an excuse for being – illegally, I assume – an Animagus? How on earth did you _manage _that? That is very advanced magic!'

'Well, it took us a while to figure out how everything worked, that's true,' said Sirius. 'But how else were we supposed to help Moony when he's having his monthlies?'

'Padfoot, don't call them that,' said Remus. 'You make me sound like a girl.'

'You are a girl.'

'Er, let's focus on the problem here, shall we?' said Lily. 'You're actually Animagi? That is… That is…' She pulled her hands free and laid them on her cheeks as she sought for words. 'That is horrible and awesome and are you _crazy_? Don't you know what could've gone wrong?'

'Yeah, but it didn't,' said James. 'Lily, please don't tell anyone. We'd get into real trouble if anyone found out…'

'They won't hear it from me. But – whow – _Animagi_. I think the only reason I'm not mad is that it hasn't hit me yet.' She looked from James to Sirius to Peter. 'All of you are?'

'Well, I'm not, obviously,' said Remus. 'But the rest, yes.'

'Unbelievable. And what… I mean, your animal forms? What are those?'

'A stag,' said James.

'Dog.'

'Rat.'

'I'm so shocked. I am beyond flabbergasted,' Lily said, shaking her head. 'There are no words for this.'

James looked around. 'Well, er… in that case, shall I just… continue?'

'**What? Oh, no, she doesn't.' James yawned and stretched before placing his hands behind his head and looking at Sirius. 'She'd eat me alive if she found out. Why?'**

'You won't eat me alive, will you?'

'I don't know. I've always wanted to taste venison…'

James looked appalled. 'Evans!'

'Sorry.'

'**I was just wondering… If she doesn't know, where does she think the nickname Prongs comes from?'**

**James grinned lazily and stared up at the ceiling. 'From the other antlers I have when I'm not a stag.'**

'Is that true?' Sirius said.

'No. To be frank, I never had any idea where your names come from. I just… I now get Prongs, but the other two…?'

'I've padded feet,' said Sirius.

'Makes sense. And you, "Wormtail"? Oh, of course. Your tail is like a worm. Sorry, I'm a bit slow; I suppose my brain is still trying to make sense of the fact that you are all illegal Animagi. _Merlin_, that's weird.'

'**She believes _we_'d call you by a nickname from _that_?'**

'**No, but she hasn't got the truth out of me yet. At least I didn't have to explain Moony's. Pass me those beans.' He nodded to a small bowl of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans. **

'**No, too lazy to move. **

'You lazy fuck,' James said fondly. 'You're very in-character, aren't you?'

**So if she thinks Prongs comes from your manhood and Moony comes from his furry little problem… Why does she think I'm called Padfoot?' As he spoke, Sirius popped a handful of beans into his mouth. Catching James's annoyed look, Sirius grinned and threw a few at James's head. 'Here, catch.'**

'Too in-character, almost.'

'What? You said you wanted beans!'

'**You're such a git,' James said, as a bean hit his glasses. He opened his mouth and tried to catch the next one with his mouth, but it hit his cheek. With the next one he was successful. 'I told her you have a foot fetish.'**

'**And Wormy?'**

'**A bad incident during Potions. Can I have another one?'**

**Sirius tossed him another bean, which James caught again.**

'**Good one,' Sirius said, impressed.**

'**Hey, I wasn't a Chaser for nothing.' **

'**I thought you'd bribed your way in.'**

**James kicked him. 'Sometimes I really prefer you in your dog-form, did you know that? At least then you can't talk.'**

'James, you're so mean to me,' said Sirius, placing a hand over his heart. 'How could fanfiction!you say something like that to me?'

'I don't know. Fanfiction!me just voices what I always think when you're off talking bullshit, I suppose.'

'**My dog form is awesome.'**

'**Maybe you should make it permanent.'**

'**It _would _be fun, I guess,' Sirius said. 'I could be your pet and you'd have to take care of me and I could lie on Lily's lap whenever I wanted and look under her skirts, and nobody would notice…'**

'I would now. I'll never look at a dog the same way again,' said Lily. 'I'll always think of them as perverts from now on. Thanks, Sirius.'

**James got one of the beans he'd missed from between the pillows and threw it at Sirius's head. 'You're even dumber than you look if you think _I'd _take you in. Maybe Moony would be nice enough, but I know better than that.'**

'So do I, in case you were wondering,' said Remus. 'So don't even try.'

'As if I'd want to be your dog,' Sirius scoffed. 'I probably wouldn't even be allowed on the couch and you'd give me healthy dog food. It'd be the pits.'

'**You're just jealous because you'll never have your belly rubbed by a pretty girl. Believe me, Prongs: there is nothing better than that.' **

'Amen, fanfiction!me, amen.'

**Sirius closed his eyes, a dreamy grin on his face. 'To have them all patting me and playing with me and hugging me. It's great.'**

'**Now I'm definitely not keeping you as my pet; I could never have girls over for fear you'd… pee on them to mark your territory, or something like that.' James cocked his head. '_Do _you pee to mark your territory?'**

**Sirius nodded. 'When we left, I owned all of the Hogwarts grounds. Not that there are many other dogs, but…' He shrugged. **

'Sirius!'

'What? I've only done it a couple of times,' Sirius said. 'You never know!'

'**Merlin. I've got very vivid images of waking up and discovering you've peed all over the place.'**

'**As a human or a dog?' **

'Sirius!'

'Evans, will you stop that?'

**James groaned. 'It was as a dog. Now it's as a human. Why do you always make me think stuff like this?'**

'**Your brain comes up with it. But all this talking about peeing has made me realize it's time I do some. Don't eat everything.' With some difficulty Sirius got up from the couch; James immediately took advantage of his absence by claiming the new empty space. While Sirius was in the bathroom, James leafed through last month's _Quidditch Weekly_, wondering if he should buy a new broom.**

'You should. You never have too many brooms,' said James. 'You know, this story isn't all that bad. No scary gay scenes, no sex between Lily and Sirius, no… pregnant men…'

'No Mary Sues,' Lily said, nodding. 'Things could've been a lot worse. I wonder when this takes place, though? Could this be at your house, or is this maybe after Hogwarts?'

'It doesn't _sound _like my house,' said James. 'Nor Moony's.'

'Nor mine,' said Peter.

'Maybe this isour own place. We could live together, the four of us,' said James, indicating the Marauders. 'It would be the best. And of course, you'd always be welcome, Lily.'

**He was just reading about the new Cleansweep when a big, black dog jumped on his stomach.**

'**Oof! Padfoot,' he groaned, trying to push Sirius away. 'Sod off, you're heavy.'**

'Are you calling me fat?'

James slowly turned his head to look at Sirius. 'Excuse me?'

'You just said I was heavy!'

'And people say I'm a girl,' Remus muttered.

**Sirius did get off, wagging his tail. He barked twice and then rolled over, offering James his tummy.**

'Maybe this is the gay sex,' said Peter.

James frowned. 'It'd better not be. I have tickled Sirius's tummy. And it had _nothing _to do with any homoerotic feelings _whatsoever_. And it never _will _have anything to do with that. Just to be clear about that, no matter what follows in this story.'

'Very specific denial that is, Prongs,' said Peter. 'Almost too specific.'

'Wormy, I swear, if you continue that train of thought, I'll pee on your clothes and say it was the cat,' said Sirius.

**James raised his eyebrows. 'Now there are no beautiful girls around, I have to rub y – you didn't pee in the bathroom, did you?'**

**Sirius shook his head and barked again; after so many years of hanging out with Sirius as a dog, James knew that bark meant impatience. He leaned down and started rubbing Sirius's belly, yawning while he did so. It was getting late; he should kick Sirius out soon.**

'So we don't live together.'

'So James lives there, Sirius doesn't and there _is _a third, neat person,' said Remus, listing them off on his fingers. 'Do I live with James?'

'Maybe I'm living with Lily,' James said. 'You never know.'

'I wouldn't count on it,' Lily said.

'But I do, Lily.'

**He looked up when the lock clicked, the door opened and Lily came in. **

'AND I'M RIGHT!'

**She looked tired and the first thing she did was to step out of her heels. **

'**Hey,' James said. 'How were things at the _Prophet_?'**

'I work at the _Prophet?_'

Sirius gave James a very meaningful look before saying, 'That surprises you more than living with Prongs seems to do, Evans.'

She raised one eyebrow. 'Are you implying something, Sirius?'

'Not at all, Lily. Not at all.'

**Taking off her coat, she said, 'Horrible. Two hours ago news came in of an attack in Portsmouth and guess who was sent out to cover it?' She took the pins from her hair and shook her head. 'I'm exh – is that a dog?'**

'**What?'**

**James followed her gaze and saw Sirius, sitting very still and looking the part of a good, well-behaved dog, up to the puppy-eyes. **

'You'd love my puppy eyes,' Sirius said to Lily. 'I'd bet you want to keep me now.'

'**Oh, er, yes, it is,' he said, getting up. 'Would you like some tea?' **

'Ah, the Potter smoothness strikes again,' said Peter. 'I'm sure she doesn't notice it.'

**He moved to the kitchen, avoiding her look, but he could still feel it on his back. He tapped a kettle with his wand.**

'**Why is there a dog in our house?' **

'OUR house! I'm living with Lily Evans!'

He got some strange stares from the other students in the room, but they could not even hope to diminish his happiness. 'I like this author! She obviously knows how the world is supposed to be.'

'**Green tea or rooibos?'**

'**James.'**

**Reluctantly, he turned around, only to see that Lily had taken a seat on the couch's arm rest and was now tickling Sirius under his chin. There was a tired smile on her face as she said, 'She's adorable.'**

'… She?' Sirius said. 'Evans, I do hope you see I'm a man.'

'Well, I don't know. In between the long hair and comments about your weight…' Lily shrugged. 'Maybe you're a very effeminate dog.'

'**Er, yeah. She is,' James said, unable to repress a grin when Sirius pricked up his ears. 'I… one of my colleagues was going away for a couple of days and asked me to take care of her. I should've asked you, of course, but it was a bit of a last-minute thing. Do you mind?' As he spoke, he picked up the kettle and filled two cups with hot water. Just to be on the safe side, he made both rooibos and green tea; it was of vital importance Lily didn't get annoyed with him now.**

'**Thanks,' she said, as he handed her a saucer with the cup. She looked down at Sirius, who was wagging his tail again. Holding the saucer with one hand, she used the other to fondle Sirius's head. **

'I'm being fondled by Lily Evans,' Sirius said. 'Oh, the bliss, the bliss!'

'Well, she's living with me. I think I win,' said James.

'I don't know how I can survive with either of you,' Lily said.

'**How long is she staying?'**

'**Just tonight,' James said. He sat down next to her and kissed her cheek. **

'Oooh!'

'James.'

'Did you hear that, Evans?'

'James.'

'I kissed your cheek!'

'James, for fuck's sake!'

'**You look tired.'**

'**I am. Dog-tired. I'm going to bed in a couple of minutes, I think.' She leaned against him and he put an arm around her waist, wishing Sirius would evaporate. **

'**So, where is she – what's her name? – sleeping tonight?' Lily asked.**

'**Her name's Paula,' James said, remembering Sirius had once said he hated that name. **

'Hey, thanks mate. I remember why we're such good friends,' said Sirius.

'**And I thought she'd probably be fine in the living room. It's just for tonight and she's very well-behaved.'**

'**If you say so. But I'm not cleaning it if there's any poo anywhere.' She yawned. 'I haven't got the time. Bloody _Prophet_.'**

'**What time do you have to get up tomorrow?'**

'**Six. I'm the new girl, so all the stupid little tasks are left for me. Yay.' She laughed when Sirius rolled over to his back, and started rubbing her hand across his belly. 'Are you sure we can't keep her?'**

'**Very sure.' He kissed her again, trying to distract her and succeeding. **

'Don't even start, Potter.'

'I didn't say anything!'

'**Why don't you just go and take a long bath and then go to bed, and tomorrow we'll do something fun together?' he said, caressing her cheek with his thumb.**

**Her green eyes, a bit bloodshot from the exhaustion of doing extra hours all week, **

'Oh, sure. From the extra hours,' said Sirius. 'I'm sure she's just stoned.'

**lit up at the thought. 'It's a date,' she said, kissing him on his lips. **

'YES!'

'**That bath sounds like a very good idea.'**

**She took her cup with her to the bathroom. The moment she had locked the door behind her, Sirius changed back into his human form.**

'**Paula?' he asked. 'Really, Prongs?'**

'**Hey, you're the one who was being fondled by my girlfriend,' said James. **

'YES!'

'People are seriously going to wonder what's wrong with him,' Remus said. 'All that shouting all the time…'

'Besides, I don't even get what was so good about that,' said Peter. 'She was playing with Sirius, not James…'

'No, but she's my girlfriend. It's in the details, Wormy.'

'**You stupid wanker. Well, looks like I'll be staying the night after all.' Sirius took Lily's place, his arms crossed in front of his chest and a broad grin on his face. 'D'you think she'd let me sleep in bed with you?'**

'And the homoerotic subtext is back,' Peter said.

'Doesn't matter. Lily kissed me. All is well in this story.'

**James glared at him. 'Don't even think about it.'**

'**Already am, Prongs, already am.' He turned back into a dog and jumped onto the couch, where he curled up and closed his eyes. **

**James shook his head, grinning, as he went to bed. A little while later he was joined by Lily, **

'Ooooh yes! YES YES YES!'

'I'm starting to think the best way to kill him would be to shag him,' Lily said, staring at him. 'His heart would probably fail from the excitement.'

'Lily, it would be the best way to die.'

Sirius shook his head. 'Prongs, you're pathetic.'

'But successful. Just read this; we're living together. Kissing. Sleeping together. I'm sure this fic is just about our future,' said James.

**who wrapped her arms around him. **

'Yes!'

'**James?'**

'**Hmm?' he said sleepily.**

'**I was thinking, that dog was reminding me of someone, but now I know who.'**

**He tensed. 'Hmm?'**

'**She's the striking image of Bathilda Bagshot.'**

Everyone who wasn't Sirius burst out laughing.

'Now that she's mentioned it,' said Remus, eyeing Sirius, 'He does look like her, doesn't he?'

'It's in the eyes,' said Peter. 'And the hair.'

'Hey! No bitching about my hair!'

**James grinned. 'Yeah, now you say so, she is. I'll tell her in the morning.'**

'**You do that, James. Good night.'**

'**G'night.' **

'And just like that, I've proved to be better at finding stories than any of you,' said James. 'This one was awesome. Such a wonderful way of portraying our future together, Lily. I can really imagine it, can't you?'

She shook her head, but she was smiling. 'You're horrible, so you are.'

'But you love me for it?'

She didn't reply. Getting up, she said, 'After this lovely story, I'm feeling a bit peckish. Who's coming with me for dinner? Maybe they've got venison on the menu…'

* * *

**A/N: Yes, I know they're reading my story _Territory_, but I didn't have inspiration for a badfic and I got a request for them to read good fanfiction, too (I can only hope this is good; James seemed to like it, anyway). Has anyone got ideas/fanfiction clichés they'd like the Marauders to read about? Better yet, have you any stories they can read? **

**Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it.  
**


	6. The Fifth Marauder

'Oi, cut it out,' said James, opening the curtains to his bed. He glared at his friends, who were assembled on Remus's bed, singing 'In the Hippogriff's wake' so off-key James was sure they did it on purpose.

'And… why exactly would we do that?' Sirius said.

'Because I've a Quidditch practice tomorrow at eight in the morning?'

Sirius considered this for a moment and shrugged. 'Nah, that reason doesn't convince me. After all, you're the one who plans all those practices; you shouldn't have picked such an ungodly hour.'

'Could you at least quiet down?'

'Or what, you'll give us detention?' Peter said, grinning.

James groaned and closed his curtains again. 'Maybe I should. Maybe I will.'

'Oh, I'm sure we're all very frightened,' said Sirius. 'Until then, I say: "And then the old farmer took his wand -"'

'Let's go for a compromise,' said Remus. 'We won't sing, but instead we'll read a story.'

'Only if you're the one reading,' Sirius said. 'And it's a semi-normal story at least.'

Peter got off the bed and got the Companion from Sirius's nightstand. While he gave it to Remus, Sirius leaned back into Remus's pillow and made himself comfortable.

Remus scanned the 'content' page. 'What would you guys say of "The fifth Marauder"? It's about someone named Emily Lockwood, who is apparently…'

'The fifth Marauder?' Sirius said.

'Yeah.'

'Should be fun,' said Peter. 'Or at least on the verge of normal. Ish. Possibly.'

'**Good one, Emily!' Sirius cheered, giving her a high-five. **

'**Oh, well, you know me.' She flicked her long red hair over her shoulder and smiled at him. If there's a Snivellus around, I just can't help myself. **

'I have an image of her pounding on Snivelly,' said Peter. 'Like, "he's so hot, I just can't help myself."'

Sirius snorted. 'Don't be ridiculous; who could fancy Snivelly? Especially if she hangs out with us, she has to know better.'

**Combine that with my endless magical talent and proficiency at throwing objects at people, and you have awesomeness!'**

'That sounds disturbingly Mary-Sue like,' said Remus, thinking back of what Lily had told them about Mary Sues.

'No, no, no, that's just Marauder wonderfulness,' said Sirius.

'I'm with Sirius on this,' said James, who'd drawn his curtains again and was looking at his friends. 'We just _are _that amazing.'

'**Someone really needs to teach the two of you some modesty,' Remus muttered, **

'Hear hear,' said the real Remus. 'Are you listening, Pads?'

**shaking his head so his light brown hair hung in his eyes. **

'**Oh, shut it, Moony. You're just cranky because it's almost the full moon,' said James. 'Looking forward to it?'**

'**I know I am,' Emily laughed. **

'Bitch,' said Remus.

Peter startled and looked at him. 'Wow, Remus, never thought you'd use language like that.'

'Oh, come _on_! She had it coming! "I know I am" – when it comes to the full moon! And she's "laughing" it!'

James and Sirius both thought this wasn't the moment to bring up that they, too, liked the full moons.

**She was thinking about how during a full moon they all went to the Shrieking Shack. Then, when Remus transformed into a werewolf, the other four took their Animagus forms: **

'Wow, wait,' said Peter. 'The other _four_? Meaning that Emily is an Animagus as well?'

'If she's a Marauder, it makes sense,' said Sirius.

**James was a Stag, **

'That's capitalized,' said Remus. 'Like you're the ultimate bachelor or something.'

**Sirius a big, black dog, Pettigrew a rat and Emily a pure, white swan with a little star-like golden spot between her eyes. **

'Definitely a Mary Sue then,' said Remus.

'Oh come on, Moony,' said Peter. 'Give the girl a chance.'

'Yeah, swans are pretty lame animals anyway,' Sirius said. 'Who'd want to be a bird when you could be the most awesome dog in the entire universe?'

Three hands went up in the air.

'Well, fuck you, too.'

**It was something Emily always anticipated with much joy; there was nothing like the adrenaline rush of hanging out with a werewolf.**

'I really don't like her,' Remus said. 'Trivializing it like this.'

'**So, Prongs, are you asking Evans to the dance?' she asked, as they walked through the hallways. Loads of students were staring at them, but that was just a by-product of belonging to the Marauders.**

Sirius snorted. 'They're not looking at the Marauders as such, darling. They're probably just looking at _me_.'

**James shrugged. 'I doubt she'll say yes. She's probably going with that sixth-year Ravenclaw, or something. The fuckhead.'**

'Since when does Hogwarts even have "dances"?' said Peter.

'Plot convenience,' Remus said. 'Just so James could ask out our dearly beloved Lily.'

'Who will reject him, like the Lily she is.' Sirius shook his head. 'Poor Prongs. At least the real Lily wants to shag him, even if she doesn't know it. I'm sure that's a real consolation to the Prongs in the story.'

'**Aawh, Prongsie, I'm sure _one _day she'll see you for what you really are,' Sirius teased, slapping him on the back.**

'**An awfully handsome, funny, intelligent, talented, sexy young man she'd like to screw for the rest of eternity?'**

'**I was more going for "spoiled brat", but hey, whatever works for you, bro.'**

'Bro? _Bro? _I say BRO_? _What does she think I am, _American_?'

'**Boys,' Emily complained, as James pushed Sirius and Sirius retaliated by pushing him on the floor and tickling him. 'They are so childish,' she said to Remus, **

'Liking her more already.'

**before joining the two boys in the fight. **

'Never mind.'

'**I am surrounded by idiots,' Remus said, shaking his head.**

'**Don't be such a wimp, Moony. Join us!' said Sirius, grabbing Remus by his arm and pulling him into the mayhem. **

'I've read too many Padfoot/Moony stories to be unfazed by this,' said Peter, shuddering.

Sirius and Remus both sent him suspicious looks.

'You actually _read _those stories, Wormy?' Remus asked. 'Why?'

Peter shrugged. 'They're… funny? I've only read one, maybe two. Don't worry so much.'

**A couple hours later, they were in the Great Hall for their dinner. Pettigrew **

'What! Why am I "Pettigrew"?' Peter cried.

'Maybe because your name is Peter Pettigrew?' said James. 'I know it might be a bit of a shock, but…'

'No, I mean, why are you all James, Sirius and Remus and am I Pettigrew? Why can't I just be Peter?'

**was with them, too; he'd had a detention that afternoon, after he hadn't done his Transfiguration assignment and McGonagall had freaked. He tried to be a part of the conversation, but a lot of the witticisms were lost on him. **

'And I'm portrayed like some sort of loser.'

'Maybe because you _are _some sort of loser,' said Sirius. 'Sorry, mate.'

**The asshole.**

'Remus! Don't you start, too!'

'It wasn't me – the book actually said it,' said Remus. 'I guess the author just doesn't like you.'

'But _why not_?'

'**Look, Prongs, there she is,' said Emily, nodding at Lily, who was sitting a couple seats farther away, her red hair, glossy as always, up in a ponytail and a small, if smug, smile on her pretty face. Emily didn't like Lily much – **

'How can someone _not _like Lily?'

'It's explained in the next line, Prongs. If you'd stop interrupting…'

**she was too much of a goody two-shoes for her liking – but she thought it was cute James liked a girl that much. Besides, it was about time he made his move and just told her how he felt; how else were they supposed to get it on?**

'I've done that loads of times, thank you very much,' said James. 'It's not because of lack of initiative from my side that Evans and I haven't got it on yet.'

**James blushed, **

'Aawh, Prongsie, blushing!' said Sirius.

**threw a covert look at Lily Evans and then looked away again. 'Yeah, there she is,' he murmured, more to himself than anyone else, though Emily could still hear him.**

'**Don't be so shy, Prongs,' **

Here all Marauders burst out laughing.

'Prongs, shy?' Remus laughed. 'When has he ever even _tried _to be shy?'

'Around the time he started blushing every time Evans was near,' said Sirius. 'Right, Prongsie?'

**she said. 'Just go up to her and ask her to the dance. I'm sure she'll say yes.'**

'Ha!' James snorted. 'Fat chance.'

'**I couldn't - '**

'**You can!' she laughed. 'Stop whining, you loser!'**

'Well said, my friend' said Sirius. 'Listen to the fifth Marauder, James. Just go up to Lily, ask her and stop whining!'

'**You know what? You're right. I'm just going to ask her.' James got up and went to where Lily stood. The Marauders couldn't hear what he was saying, but when a broad beam spread across James's face, they knew what the answer had been. **

'… just like that?' Peter said. 'She doesn't laugh at him?'

'She doesn't say she'd rather go out with the Giant Squid?'

'She doesn't bury her face in her hands, shaking her head and wondering how on earth she could have such a misfortune as to be fancied by James Potter?'

James cleared his throat. 'In case you lot forgot, Lily and I are going to live together and contemplate having Sirius for a pet. Just thought I'd remind you. It's very natural for her to say yes to my date proposal.'

'Then why has she never done it?' Peter said.

'Playing hard-to-get.'

'**I told him so,' said Emily. 'He should've just listened to me and asked her out ages ago. I wonder how he's going to celebrate?'**

**She shared a private look with Sirius, who grinned. **

'Am I shagging her, you think?' Sirius said.

'**I think I might think of a couple of ways,' he said.**

'And that's the end of this,' said Remus, closing the book. 'I can't be the only one who thinks it's highly unlikely for us to have someone like that as a Marauder, but maybe that's just me.'

'Nah, I agree,' said James. 'Having a girl as a Marauder would just be weird. Just think of all the secret Marauder meetings she wouldn't be able to attend…'

'We have secret Marauder meetings?' Peter asked.

'Yeah.'

'Like when?'

'Well, this one,' said James. 'A girl wouldn't have been here tonight. Unless, of course, it was Lily who wanted to stay over, because she could've fit in my bed. But apart from that…'

'Like I said, maybe fanfiction!me is shagging her,' said Sirius. 'It would solve a lot.'

'Nah, it'd just make her your shag-partner. Not a Marauder,' said James.

'But let's be frank, the story could've been a whole lot worse,' said Remus. 'Even if the premise is somewhat unlikely.'

'Very true. Now that we've had this wonderful bedtime story… I'm going to sleep.'

Sirius yawned and said, 'Good plan, Prongs. Moony, can I stay in your bed? You can have mine. I just don't want to get up.'

Remus rolled his eyes. 'Get out, now.'

'Fine, fine.'

Getting out of the bed, Peter said, 'I guess this isn't the moment to suggest you both sleep there and see how those fics might become reality?'

Sirius froze. He closed his eyes and slowly opened them again. 'Peter, if you _ever _suggest anything like that again, I _will_ find you and I _will _make you regret it. Am I clear?'

'I was just suggesting something. No need to get so worked up about it, right?' Peter winked and went to his own bed, leaving Sirius and Remus to their nightmares.


	7. Say you don't want it

'You lot, I've something to tell you,' said Sirius. They were sitting in the library, doing their homework like the diligent students they were. At least, Remus, James and Peter had been; Sirius was reading something about motorcycles to put off his Muggle Studies homework. 'I'm bored. I want another story.'

'Can't you wait thirty minutes?' Remus said.

'No.'

James threw his quill on the table. 'Padfoot, you have the shortest attention span I've ever encountered. I like it. Let's read something in which I shag Lily's brains out, shall we?'

'Hey!' Lily called from the next table. 'I heard that.'

'You could come, too.'

She hesitated for a second, then sighed and put her books away. 'I will,' she said. 'And no stories of us shagging.' She ignored the strange looks she got from two fourth-year Ravenclaws.

They got out of the library and went to an empty classroom. While James and Peter got the chairs from the tables, Lily used a spell to clear the dust from the room and Remus Summoned the Companion. Sirius provided dramatic background music, drumming on a table and singing a song Lily and Remus _almost _recognized, but was too mangled by Sirius's horrible singing skills to be the actual song.

'Can I pick a story this time?' Lily said when the Companion came flying in through the open doorway.

'As long as you don't make it some strange gay porn,' said Sirius.

'Please. It's been ages since we've read something like that. But if it bothers you, I won't. I'm sure I can find something else, just as entertaining.' She took a seat. After reading a couple of summaries, she decided what she wanted to read. 'It's called _Say you don't want it_. It's a love story with Remus and an original character who's named Emma. Are we all okay with this?'

The boys nodded assent and Lily began.

**When asked to describe me, people that like me often use the word 'vivacious'. People who don't like me always use the word 'slutty'. Which I think is quite unfair, really – no one ever calls Sirius Black a slut, even though he has kissed and shagged more girls than I've boys on my name. **

'I haven't shagged _that _many girls. The stories are heavily exaggerated,' said Sirius. 'Besides, that would make me a ladies' man, not a slut. There's a huge difference.'

'The only difference is your penis, Sirius,' said Lily. 'I think you're a bit of a slut.'

'Lily!'

**You'd think that, now we live in the seventies, there's sexual equality, but no such thing.**

**Now, I won't deny that I've kissed many a boy on many a drunken occasion. And I won't lie to you and say I've never regretted any of them – believe me when I say that I have. Thomas de Courcy is one of them; **

'Hate him,' said James. 'Wanker cheated during the last Quidditch game.'

**Peter Pettigrew is another. **

'Hey! I've kissed someone!' said Peter, surprised. 'Wow.'

'Ah… not sure if you've noticed it, but she regretted it,' said Sirius. 'Just thought I'd mention it.'

'That's beside the point. I've snogged someone. That bodes well for the real me, right?'

Sirius raised his eyebrows. 'Pete, this is supposed to be a love story with _Moony _as the male lead. Somehow I've difficulty imagining it to be very accurate.'

**The first is just creepy, the second developed a small – okay, enormous – crush on me. **

'I feel your pain,' said James to Peter. 'It sucks fancying a girl who doesn't like you back.'

'But unlike you, Peter actually snogged her,' Sirius said. 'I think we can say Wormy has been more successful in love than you. So unless the beautiful Miss Evans is going to kiss you now and help you get out of your misery…'

'Not going to happen, Sirius,' said Lily. 'But it's sweet that you try.'

**He thought it meant something, though the poor boy should have known better. Had I not kissed all the other Marauders as well, without it becoming anything even remotely resembling a relationship?**

'Wow! Busy girl,' said James.

Lily raised her eyebrows at him. 'You know there are only four of you? That isn't _very _busy, spread over seven years of Hogwarts.'

**In fact, the answer to that question is a 'no'.**

'And she hasn't even kissed all of you! See, that's perfectly all right,' she said. 'And you've snogged someone now, too, James. Well done.'

'I have snogged girls. Just not the one I fancy.'

Lily felt the blood rise to her cheeks and focused on the story again.

**I had been in a relationship with Sirius; it was the longest and last relationship we both had, lasting two weeks altogether in our second year.**

**And even though James Potter had been in love with Lily for so long no one remembered it otherwise, **

'I must say, that is pretty consistent in every story I've read,' said Peter. 'I mean, even those where James is pregnant have him in love with Lily at _some _point. It has to be the most stable thing in the entire fanfiction universe.'

'That's how strong my feelings are,' said James. 'They overpower even the strangest of authors.'

**we had had a sort of friends-with benefits-thing going on in our fifth year. Lily loved this, seeing as he left her alone a bit.**

'Are you sure this is a love story about Moony and a girl and not about a girl and… all of us?' said Sirius.

**And then there is Remus Lupin. Him I've never kissed, strangely enough. **

'Ah, Moony! The girl who's even kissed Peter hasn't snogged you,' said Sirius. 'You really are hopeless with the chicks.'

**I don't know why; we've been going to Hogwarts together for over six years now. **

'See! You've had six years to snog her and you haven't done it!'

Remus squirmed in his seat. 'So? You know I haven't snogged anyone. It shouldn't surprise you that the fanfiction!me hasn't done so, either.'

Lily smiled. 'Remus, if it makes you feel any better, I fancied you back in third year. I would've kissed you, if you'd let me know. Now you're a bit too late, though.'

'What?' James said. 'What do you mean, you _fancied _him?'

'I mean that I had "Remus loves Lily" written all over my textbooks and Alice telling me I had to ask him to Hogsmeade, though I never did. I thought he'd say no anyway, because of you.'

Remus blinked. 'You're… probably right about that. But it does make me feel better. You really fancied me?'

'Seems like a love story with Moony in it isn't too far-fetched, eh, Pads?' said Peter.

**We have attended the same parties, he has tutored me in Transfiguration and Charms, I've seen him grow from a small, insecure boy to a tall, insecure man. And never have I got as much as a kiss on my cheek, let alone a full-on snog like I have had with most of the male population of Hogwarts.**

'Remus, you disappoint me,' said Sirius. 'And her, obviously.'

**This never bothered me. I like kissing, but it is not like I made it my life's mission to snog _every _boy at the school. It would be impossible; I'd have to kiss first years, and even for me, that's a bit much. But when it was the after party of the first Quidditch match and I saw Remus standing there, holding a drink, looking quite adorable, I wondered _why _I had never so much as flirted with him.**

'Adorable? That's the best word she has for me?' Remus sagged in his chair. 'Why is it always "adorable" or "cute"?'

'Because you are,' said Lily. 'It's what girls like about you.'

'But why can't I be… big and masculine and… dashing?'

Sirius guffawed. 'Dashing, Remus? Really?'

**He is not my usual type, not at all. I like my men tall, muscular, tanned, confident, which is not the most adept description of Remus Lupin, **

'And thank you, story-telling person,' said Remus. 'Because I didn't know that.'

'Well, you were wondering why no one ever called you dashing…'

**for whom the words 'bookish' and 'shy' are more fitting. **

'And I'm back to thinking this isn't a love story,' said Sirius.

**But that night, there was something about his brown hair hanging in his eyes that made me wonder if maybe he had more talents than just translating Ancient Runes.**

**You should always beware of the quiet ones, after all.**

Lily laughed at Remus's incredulous expression.

'Remus Lupin: hidden sex god,' she said in a booming voice. 'She's right – who knows what secret talents you might have?'

'Yes, I'm sure he can translate an ancient text within five minutes – _without using a dictionary!_ That's about as wild as he gets, love,' said Sirius. 'Sorry.'

'Sirius, please. Translating without a dictionary isn't that special,' Remus said.

'Which makes you all the more sad, Moony. If the most exciting thing you've ever done isn't that cool… ' Sirius shrugged. 'What hope is there for you?'

**Beside me, Alice Prewett followed my gaze and sighed. 'Emma, leave the poor boy alone,' she told me, shaking her head. 'There's no need to break his heart, too.'**

**'I'm not going to break his heart,' I protested. 'I just want to kiss him. That's all.'**

**And that was how my mission started.**

'End of the chapter,' said Lily. 'I like this story. And…' She looked at the next page, which was filled with text. The chapter title, _The first attempt_, sounded interesting at the very least.

'Interesting though it might be to read about someone who thinks Remus could be sexy… I'm hungry,' Sirius said.

'So am I,' said Peter.

'You guys go ahead; I think I'm going to finish this story. Remus, do you want to join me?' Lily asked.

Remus shook his head. 'Nah, someone needs to look after these idiots. I'll read it later; it sounds interesting, at least. _Say you don't want it_, is that what it's called?'

'Yeah. I'll bookmark it so you can read it later,' she said.

She waited until the boys had left and then she dived into the story.

* * *

**A/N: For those of you who are now interested, 'Say you don't want it' is an actual story and on my profile (yes, this is shameless advertising for my own story. I'm sorry. I was just rereading it and I thought the prologue would be funny for my darlings to read). Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! The next one is likely to be either a timetravel!fic or the second chapter or Ariana Riddle. Ideas for (bad)fic are always welcome!**


	8. Loving Petunia Evans

'So, Lily, how's the epic love story with Remus and the vivacious-if-slutty Emma?' said Sirius when Lily entered the Common Room that night. 'Have they had any action yet?'

'You laugh, but it's a cute story and nobody acts _very _weird,' Lily said. She thought it best not to mention that while no one was behaving too much out of character, the parts where fanfiction!Lily spoke about James were a bit… unnerving. She thought back of the comments fanfiction!Lily had made about James's hair and found herself looking at the actual James Potter's hair. It did look very nice. 'I think you'd like it, Remus. The author obviously fancies you.'

'I think I'll pass,' Remus said. 'Maybe later.'

'Could we read another story?' said Peter.

'Of all the books that you could read, you go for the one about yourselves,' said Remus, shaking his head. 'I'm not sure if I should be happy you lot want to read, or worried your megalomania is growing worse.'

'After reading that Potters are known for male pregnancy –' Lily stopped to snicker, '– I think their egos might need some looking after. Another story then? Who wants to read this time?'

'Could you do it?' said James. 'You've a great story-telling voice.'

Lily blinked. 'Oh. Thank you,' she said, blushing. While she chose her story, Sirius gave James a thumbs-up.

'This is a story with my sister in it,' she said, stopping at an entry. '"_When Lily invites the Marauders over to her home during the summer, Petunia realizes not all Wizards are bad._" That's actually something I'd like to read.'

'Me too. How on earth did we get to your house?' said Sirius. 'What are we _doing _there?'

'We're about to find out, eh?'

**Petunia Evans didn't think of herself as a particularly evil person. She had friends, she always did her tasks of the housework (unless she could pass them on to Lily, but really, that girl was hardly ever at home; it was no more than fitting that she should do _extra _work when she was home, right?).**

'And… we have Tuney in a nutshell,' said Lily. 'All we need to add now is her fear of magic and you wouldn't know the difference.'

'Your sister doesn't like magic?' said James, surprised.

'No.' To avoid further discussion, Lily continued reading.

**She was just a little bit lonely and when four of Lily's friends came to visit them in the summer before Lily's last year at Hogwarts… well, it wasn't as if Petunia had had much of a choice. The opportunity was just too good. The boys were just too hot. Lily had just left her potions book open on a page for love potions. **

'Oh, no.'

**Petunia couldn't _not _try it.**

'Does this mean - ?' Sirius said.

'That Petunia, a Muggle, is going to use a love potion? Yes, it does,' said Lily. 'On you four. Oh, no.'

**She'd found the necessary ingredients in Lily's cabinet; **

'And now she's stealing my things! Things she hates, for that matter.'

**she'd also used Lily's cauldron. And now she had a small amount of lilac potion, just in time; Lily and the boys – who called themselves 'the Marauders' for some strange reason – were just returning from a visit to the pool.**

'Hmm. The pool. That means you'd be in a bikini, Lily,' said James, obviously enjoying the thought.

'Ah, no. I haven't got a bikini; I have a bathing suit. Sorry, James.'

'**Hello,' Petunia said breezily, heading down the stairs. 'Would you all like some fresh lemonade?'**

'**Sure,' said one of the boys – the best looking of the lot, with long, dark hair, grey eyes like limpid tears and a sexy, sexy smile. **

'What is it with limpid tears for my eyes?' Sirius said.

'What makes you think they're talking about you?' said Peter.

'"The best looking of the lot" – who else could it be but me?'

**He had some strange name like Serious or Grave or something. **

'"Grave"? Even my parents wouldn't be…' He stopped and reconsidered it. 'No, actually, I think they might, if it'd been a family name. Yeah, they would've called me Grave.'

'Sirius is spelled S-e-r-i-o-u-s, by the way,' Lily said. 'Even Tuney's hearing makes a pun out of your name.'

**While Petunia made the lemonade, she heard her sister and the boys laughing in the living room. From the moment he'd entered, it was obvious one of the boys was in love with Lily – not Serious, but the other black-haired one, with the glasses. **

'And again, we have James in love with Lily!' Peter said. 'See what I mean? He's _always _in love with her!'  
James raised his eyebrows. 'Maybe because, you know, I _am _in love with her? I'm also wearing glasses all the time in fanfiction. It's just… part of who I am, I guess?'

'Except when you're pregnant with Sirius's, Remus's or Severus's child,' said Lily.

'No, even then he'd fancied you,' said Peter. 'You can look it up – it said something about how he'd liked you, before he… you know.' He cleared his throat and decided not to dwell on the matter of James's pregnancy.

**He wasn't bad-looking, especially not with that arse of his. Far too good for Lily. **

'Well. Well, well, well.' Lily scowled at the book. 'I love you too, Tuney.'

'Oh, Lily, I'm not too good for you.'

'I know that.'

**Now, it wasn't that Petunia had _meant _for the love potion to go into the pitcher. She'd only meant to give it to Serious or James – one was the handsomest, the other one fancied Lily too much. But she didn't pay attention and only when she brought in the pitcher of lemonade did she remember they were _all _going to drink from it.**

'Oh noes!' Sirius cried out. 'Whatever will we do now?'

'Shag my sister?' said Lily. 'By the way… aren't I going to drink from that? Does this – I'm not going to finish that thought. I'm not.'

'**Oh, shit,' she muttered.**

'**Did you say something, Tuney?' said Lily. **

'**Of course not, Lily. Except…' Petunia froze when she realized Lily might drink from it as well. Oh no. Oh no no no no. **

'At least we agree on that.'

'**Could we have a little talk? Outside? Right now?'**

**Lily, who had been pouring drinks for the boys, gave Petunia a strange look. 'Right now?'**

'**Yes.'**

**Petunia dragged Lily to the garden. 'So, Lily, I was just thinking about how you're going to Hogwarts next year and I'm going to London and do that typist course and it just seems very strange that…'**

**Lily squinted at her, a mistrustful expression on her face. 'Tuney, what have you done?'**

'Evans, you're good,' said Peter.

Lily shrugged. 'I've known you guys for over six years. You notice when people are up to something. Besides, Petunia talking about our future? Not likely unless she's trying to cover up something. Like giving you a love potion – yugh.'

'**I haven't done anything!' But her eyes flashed to the boys, visible through the window.**

'**Petunia, what. Have. You. Done?' Lily said. **

'I can just hear Lily say that,' James said.

'That is because I just did. I'm reading this to you,' said Lily.

'Oh, right. I just meant it in a "it's reminding me of last year" kind of way.'

'**Nothing,' Petunia said, avoiding Lily's green-eyed gaze. 'Just…'**

**The door to the garden opened and there was the brown-haired, skinny boy – Romulus? Remus? Something like that. 'Petunia,' he said, slowly approaching the two girls. 'You're – you're beautiful.'**

'Oh, I like this,' said Sirius, while Remus groaned. 'The anguished declaration of love, coming from Remus! Never thought I'd read that!'

'But you already have, Sirius,' said Lily, who was thinking back of Remus's declaration in _Say you don't want it_ and shook her head; the boys didn't know that part of the story. 'When he told you how much he loved you.'

'Yes, yes, but Sirius initiated that,' said Peter.

'True.'

'That story is forbidden, remember? Forbidden!'

'**Tuney - ' Lily said, but she was interrupted by Serious stepping into the garden.**

'**Get away from her, Lupin,' he growled. He strode forward, pushed Remus out of the way and went down on one knee in front of Petunia. **

Lily burst out laughing. 'This is much better than Remus's!'

'Certainly. Getting down on one knee, Pads?' said Remus. 'That sounds like it's going to be good.'

**He grabbed her hand, kissed it and then pressed it to his cheek. **

'This reads like a cheesy romance novel,' said Lily. 'Although Sirius does have the looks for a romance-novel hero. I think it's in the hair…'

'**Petunia – Tuney – you are the sun in my life. The sprinkles to my ice. You are the Isolde to my Tristan, you are a sandwich when I haven't eaten all day – **

'A sandwich? That's the most romantic you can come up with?' said James, looking at Sirius. 'A sandwich?'

'There's nothing like a sandwich at the end of a long day,' said Sirius. '_I_ think it's romantic.'

**no, much more than a sandwich, you're like lasagne made by Prongs's mum!'**

'Oh, yes, you're the pinnacle of epic love stories,' said Lily.

'Now, now, Lily, to be fair, my mum makes some awesome lasagne,' said James. 'You should try it sometime.'

'Exactly! Me saying this to Petunia _is _the proof of love,' said Sirius. 'Nothing measures up to that lasagne. It's like food of the gods, I tell you.'

'**Petunia, you are in _so _much trouble,' Lily said, her eyes as big as saucers. 'What have you _done_?'**

**Petunia staggered as Remus threw his arms around her legs and buried his face against her thighs. 'I – Lily, I can explain this.'**

'Ah. "Lily, I can explain this." Where have we heard that before?' said Remus, looking at Sirius and James.

'**Can y – oh no. Oh no, no, no.' Lily turned pale as the chubby boy, with the pleasant and normal name of Peter, came running out of the house, holding some flowers that had been in a vase on their table. When he spotted his competition, he skidded to a halt. **

'You'll never beat my declaration,' said Sirius.

'Hey! I've brought flowers – at least I'm a gentleman.'

'**P-Petunia? What is going on? Why are you – what are they doing here?'**

'Poor Peter, finding his love has other men,' said James.

**Lily pinched the bridge of her nose. 'Tell me you haven't used love potion on them.'**

'**I haven't used love potion on them!'**

'**GOD! PETUNIA!' Lily stormed into the house, only to see James staring at his glass of lemonade.**

'**Tell me, Evans,' he said. 'If I drink this, will I fall in love with your sister?'**

'And there I am – the intelligent one of our sorry group, as you all can see,' said James.

'I'm disappointed you haven't drunk it yet. It would've been very fanfiction-ish if you _had _drunk, but your true love for me would've stopped you from going after her,' said Lily.

'**Probably. So don't drink it, I need someone to stop those boys from assaulting her while I try and make an antidote. I can't believe she's ac – what is Sirius doing?' **

'Something that worries us all, my dear,' said Remus.

**Lily peered through the window; Sirius had pushed Remus away again and was now holding both of Petunia's hands in his. From his earnest expression Lily almost thought he might be proposing.**

'**I think it's time I saved them, yeah,' said James. **

'No! Fanfiction!me, don't! This is hilarious,' said James. 'Let them propose to Lily's sister, please!'

'**Good. I'm so going to _kill _her when this is solved.' Lily went to her room and started preparing the potion, while James stepped outside. He had to admit, it was pretty funny to see Sirius like this. And to watch Remus, usually so controlled, trying to tell Petunia that he was the one for her was very amusing, not even to mention Peter, who was telling Petunia of all the impressive things he'd done. **

'You lot are pathetic,' said James.

'**It's a miracle if one of use ever gets laid,' he said, shaking his head. **

'Well, I wouldn't say _that_,' said James. 'Surely it must happen _one day_…'

'**At least by one of the Evans women.**

'I can't argue there. That _is _unlikely to happen,' he said.

'Now, Prongs, things might not work out between Tuney and Remus, or Tuney and me, but I'm sure you'll shag Lily,' said Sirius.

'I'm sitting right here,' Lily said, waving her hand. 'Please have this conversation when I'm not around. Or preferably, don't have it at all.'

'**Oi!' he called to his friends, who barely paid him any attention. 'OI!'**

'**Not now, Prongs, can't you see I'm with the woman I love?' Sirius said, without averting his eyes from Petunia's face. 'Petunia, from the moment I first saw you, I knew you were the only one for me. Would you – would you make me the happiest man alive and marry me?'**

'Oh, bloody hell! I proposed to Lily's sister? How did that happen?'

'I thought she was like my mum's lasagne? You'd marry that lasagne if you could, Padfoot. Don't deny it.'

'**Christ.' This was more serious than James had expected. 'Padfoot! You – you can't propose looking like that. **

'… Wut? I don't get myself,' said James.

**Go to the bathroom and fix your hair.' While he gave his fellow Marauders advice on how to best pick up an Evans girl **

Sirius snorted. 'Yeah, right.'

**(though he didn't know why they listened to him; it wasn't as if he had any success with _his _Evans), **

'Exactly my point!'

**Lily worked on the potion. By the time she came downstairs, James was exhausted.**

**Petunia peeked around the corner. 'Are they normal yet?' she whispered.**

'**In five minutes,' said James. 'Well, as normal as they'll ever be, anyway.'**

**Three minutes later, the boys had taken their drinks.**

'**Prongs?' Sirius said meekly. 'Please don't ever let something like that happen to me again. That was the worst.'**

'And that is the end of this lovely tale,' said Lily. 'It has to be the best warning to keep you out of my house at all costs.'

'Oh, c'mon Lily, it would be hilarious if this actually happened,' said James. 'We could remind them of it for years to come. I could – oh, I'm so going to read this on Sirius's wedding, if any girl is ever unfortunate enough to accept him…'

'If you do that, I'll use your wedding to tell the world of that "epic poem" you wrote for Lily back in fourth year,' said Sirius. 'I'm not threatening you, just issuing a warning.'

'Epic poem?' Lily asked.

'At least twelve hundred lines long,' said Sirius. 'Something with a knight – Prongs – and a princess – you – and then there was a mantichore to be slain… It must be lying around somewhere. Want me go search for it?'

He winced as James kicked him against his shins. 'Ow, Prongs!'

'That poem will never, ever be shared with Lily,' said James. 'Just to be clear.'

But as Lily and Sirius exchanged knowing looks, James knew he hadn't heard the end of this yet.

* * *

**A/N: Idea for the badfic comes from Stromsten! Sorry it isn't the time-travel fic, I'm still thinking about how I'm going to do that. Anyway, I hope you liked it!**


	9. Hermione Granger saves the world

'No, no, no! James, you have it all wrong,' Lily laughed. 'Muggles don't actually believe in vampires anymore, but they _used _to and vampires are still used in things like fiction and movies. But no one _really _believes in them.'

'What on earth is a "movie"?'

She rolled her eyes. 'I'm starting to think Muggle Studies should be compulsory for all Purebloods. You wouldn't manage an _hour _in the Muggle world without attracting attention to yourself. _Crus Draconis_,' she said to the Fat Lady, who swung open.

The Common Room was almost empty, but that wasn't surprising; it was very late. However, Sirius, Remus and Peter were still awake and reading the _Companion_. They were sniggering, but stopped when they saw Lily and James.

'How was patrol?' said Remus, whose voice was even but whose grin betrayed him.

'Uneventful. Just a Huffelpuf who got back from the kitchens,' said James. He took the comfy chair next to Sirius's and glanced at the book. 'What are you reading now?'

'Ah, just a story about a day in Lily's life,' said Peter. 'Did you know she thinks about your arse _all the time_?'

'No, I didn't,' said James.

'That's because I _don't_,' Lily said. She sat down on James's arm rest. 'Do I need to remind you that not all fanfiction is accurate?'

'Lily, I hate to tell you this, but if fanfiction is right, there is no way you and James aren't going to end up together,' said Remus. 'I mean, apart from the odd story where Prongs is gay or you shag Severus, it's pretty consistent.'

'Yeah, yeah, whatever.' She yawned and got her hair from its rubber band. Combing it with her fingers, she said, 'So are you going to read me a story before I go to bed?'

'Your wish is my command,' said Peter. He went to a random page. 'This… It's called _Hermione Granger saves the world_. Do we know a Hermione Granger?' He read the summary. 'Oh, wait, she's from the future and… she's going to our time to save the world.'

'That sounds _awesome_,' said Sirius. 'Do that one!'

**A/N: This was written before 'Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince', **

Lily stiffened. 'I… I think that might be the canon book,' she said.

'Canon?' James asked.

'The book all this fanfiction is based on. I mean… it could be, right? Then… James, do you know a Harry Potter?'

He thought about it for a moment. 'I… I don't think so. It's typical that a book about Potters inspires so much fanfiction, though; it just shows our awesomeness once more.'

**so I didn't know everything yet. Just thought I'd share this with you!**

**Hermione Granger opened her eyes and knew her spell had worked. The people she saw walking around definitely weren't from her Hogwarts; their hair was all weird, nothing like what was currently in fashion, **

'… She knows she's in a different time judging by our _hair_?' said Sirius. 'Also, Miss Granger, I don't know who you are, but my hair will always be amazing. Just thought I'd tell you.'

**and she didn't recognize any of the faces either. **

**She turned around and bumped into someone. One second she wondered if maybe she had failed anyway, because it was as if she was looking at Harry – but then she saw hazel eyes behind the glasses instead of green ones, and a scar-less forehead. As luck would have it, she'd stumbled right into Harry's dad.**

This time it was James who froze. '… what?'

'If they're talking about you, that would mean that you're that Harry's father,' said Remus.

'That would be… quite cool, right?' James said. 'I wonder who the mother is.' He cast a furtive glance at Lily, and then he said, 'I mean, he has green eyes. He could be ours, Lily… Who else could I have children with?'

'Ah… Last time I checked, you were pregnant from Sirius, Remus or Severus,' she said; she smiled when he turned white. 'There is no reason whatsoever to assume that we're going to have a baby together.'

'Apart from those green eyes,' said Sirius. 'I say Harry is Lily and James's child.'

'The might Sirius Black hath spoken,' Peter muttered.

'**I'm sorry,' he said, just as another boy called, 'Oi! Prongs! Are you coming or not?'**

**Hermione's jaw dropped when she saw Sirius. **

Sirius puffed up his chest. 'My looks can do that to a girl, I'll admit it.'

**When he was older, he was good-looking, sure, **

'Naturally.'

**but his teenage form was positively perfect. **

'I love this. I really do.'

'Is the description of Padfoot's perfection almost done?' said Remus, who was looking at the ceiling rather than at Sirius's smug face.

'Almost,' said Peter.

**His features were so delicate, not yet tainted by years of suffering, and his eyes were twinkling. **

'Hey – what is that supposed to mean? "Not yet tainted by years of suffering" – what?' Sirius looked around, but his friends just shrugged.

'Beats me, mate,' said James. 'Maybe you'll have a horrible girlfriend who tortures you.'

'Maybe you'll go to Azkaban,' said Peter.

Sirius snorted. 'Yeah, right. I'd just escape from that place. No way they'd keep me there for years.'

**He'd been grinning at James, but stopped when he spotted Hermione. 'Why, hello,' he said, nudging Remus. 'Who are you?'**

**She held out her hand. 'I'm Hermione Granger, a Hogwarts student from the future,' she said.**

Lily burst out in laughter. 'Well, that was to the point,' she said. '"Oh, hello, I'm from the future" – as if anyone would just believe it like that!'

'**Really? That's cool. **

'… Ah, apparently they do. You lot are idiots.'

**I'm - '**

'**Sirius Black,' she said, taking him by surprise. 'I know future!you. And yours, too, of course, Professor Lupin – **

'PROFESSOR LUPIN?' Sirius said. '_Professor _Lupin? Moony is going to be a professor?'

'Oh, don't act so surprised,' said Lily. 'Of course he's going to be a professor; Remus is almost _made _of professorness.'

'Thanks, Lily,' Remus said. He looked very pleased with himself.

**or can I say Remus?' She giggled and turned to James. 'I don't know you in the future, but your son is my best friend.'**

'So he is my son,' said James, bemused. 'I do like the name Harry.'

'But who is the father?' Lily whispered, causing Sirius to chuckle.

'**M-my son?' James asked.**

'**Yes, Harry – Harry Potter. He's a real sweetheart.' She smiled, revealing her even, white teeth, and then said to Sirius, 'So is Pettigrew anywhere around? I need to… speak with him.'**

'It seems like this girl came all the way from the future to see you, Pete,' said Remus. 'Well done!'

'Well, you know what I'm like with the girls – they just can't get enough of me.'

'**Oh, he's not here right now, but if you give me a minute, I'll know where he is,' Sirius promised. **

'**You're going to use the Marauder's Map, aren't you?' she asked. **

'What's the Marauder's Map?' Lily said.

'Shit,' muttered James.

Lily leaned back and looked at all the Marauders in turn. None of them met her gaze. 'Oh come on, you've already told me you're Animagi – how much worse could this be?'

'The, er… the story explains more or less what it is,' said Peter, when no one answered. 'Please don't kill us.'

'Technically it's not illegal,' said Remus. 'Just remember that. I checked it.'

**She pretended not to notice the boys' astonishment. 'You can do it with me here, I've used it so often already.' **

'Just one thing – how does she ever get the Map?' James said.

'If she's friends with your son… Maybe it's going to be some sort of family heirloom?' said Peter. 'Like the Cloak?'

'What cloak?'

'Thanks, Pete,' James said. 'Lily, I'll… explain. One day.'

'Or you can explain now,' she said in a faux-cheery tone.

Remus leaned forward. 'Again, it is not illegal,' he said. 'Just remember that, Lily. _Not. Illegal_.'

'Your friends suck at helping you keep secrets,' Lily said to James. 'What kind of Cloak?'

'My Invisibility Cloak,' he said.

Lily blinked, opened her mouth and then closed it again. 'You have - ? But… I always thought they were _horribly_ expensive and rare…'

James shrugged. 'Like Wormy said – it's a family heirloom. We've had it for ages. Quite literally; I think it might've been in the family for over five hundred years or something like that.'

'That's…' Lily shook her head, trying to clear it. 'I learn all kinds of things about you through these stories.'

**So she waited while Sirius got the Map from his bag, said, 'I solemnly swear I'm up to now good' and the Hogwarts grounds appeared. **

'Speaking of learning new things – that Map. Is it a Map of the Hogwarts grounds?'

James and Sirius exchanged looks. Sirius sighed and reached into his bag. He got out a large piece of parchment and showed it to Lily. 'Watch and learn, Evans,' he said. He got his wand, tapped the parchment and said, 'I solemnly swear I'm up to no good.'

Lily gasped as the ground plan of Hogwarts became visible, including all kinds of small dots carrying names. She looked at the Gryffindor Common Room and saw five dots sitting there, exactly where they were sitting right now. 'You cannot be serious,' she whispered, taking the Map from Sirius and examining it. She looked up at the Marauders. 'Have you made this?'

'Yeah, we finished it last year,' said Remus.

'Wow. I… Christ. I am so impressed,' she said. 'I honestly have no words for this. How much time have you put into this?' Then she noticed something. She pointed at a couple of lines. 'Those hallways – they're secret? I've never seen them before…'

'Yeah. This one is behind that mirror on the second floor – you know, the one with the crack in it? It leads to the dungeons. While these -' James pointed at some others, '– lead to Hogsmeade.'

'And there I thought you never did anything but cause trouble,' said Lily. 'Wow. _Wow_.'

Peter shrugged. 'It's what we're Marauders for, eh?'

**It didn't take long for her to spot Pettigrew on the fourth floor.**

**Rolling up the map, Sirius said, 'Want me to come with you?' His eyes lit up as he spoke. Beautiful grey eyes, **

'Oh, great, we're back to Padfoot-fangirling,' said Remus.

**like limpid tears or a cloudy winter's day. Eyes that made Hermione's stomach flutter twenty years in the future, and now, too.**

Sirius narrowed his eyes. 'Does this mean that… twenty years from now a teenage girl is in love with me?'

'I think so, yeah,' said James.

'Oh, I'm the man. A pedophile – but the man.' Sirius grinned at his own awesomeness.

'**I'd love that,' she said, twirling a lock of her gorgeous brown curls around her finger.**

**At that moment a red-haired girl appeared. Hermione recognized her immediately from her eyes. They were exactly the same as Harry's. **

'Okay, I think we can safely say Lily is Harry's mum,' said Sirius, rubbing his hands together. 'I told you. I _told _you, Lily.'

'It – me being Harry's mum might not be canon,' Lily said weakly. 'It… Oh, don't look at me like that,' she snapped, when Sirius, Remus and Peter were all grinning smugly at her.

**_This must be Lily, _Hermione thought. _Harry's never going to believe this_.**

**But she had no time to linger; she had a mission and only so much time to fulfil it. She and Sirius went to the fourth floor, where they spotted Peter.**

**_The little rat_, Hermione thought. **

'Why do people hate me? Why does everyone _hate _me in these stories?' Peter said, looking quite forlorn. 'Really, what have I done?'

**She took out her wand and pointed it at Peter. 'I'll explain this in a sec,' she said to Sirius, before glaring at Peter. '_Avada Kedavra._'**

Sirius blinked. 'You made that up, didn't you, Pete?' he said.

Peter shook his head. 'I – no. It's really there. This girl just… comes from the future to kill me.' He was a bit pale. 'Why do these people hate me, for Merlin's sake?'

Lily got up and put her arms around him. 'Because they don't know you like we do,' she said. 'And these people – they're not the brightest. Just think of that, okay? There's nothing lost if they don't like you.'

'**Hey! What was that for?' Sirius cried out as Wormtail fell to the ground, dead.**

'**I'm doing everybody in the future a large favour,' she said. 'The bastard – the world is better off without him, trust me.'**

'That's not true, Pete,' Lily said. 'We like you. That Hermione person is just a bitch.'

'**Well… okay,' Sirius said. 'Hey, do you want to see my dormitory?'**

'… that's it? That's all the reaction I show to Pete's death?' Sirius looked at the book, revolted. 'I just saw him _die _and all I want is to shag this girl? Oi, author, I'm not like that! I'm not!'

**She did and then they made hot, passionate love in his bed. The end.**

'I didn't like this,' Peter said. 'Not at all.'

James shrugged. 'I… I like that I'm going to have a baby with Lily, but other than that… What was that ending for? Honestly, I doubt Pete's death would… It's just strange.'

'This entire story is strange. This night is strange,' Lily said. She glanced at the Map, which was now lying on James's lap. 'I still can't believe you've actually made that. I have so underestimated you all these years…' She was still mumbling to herself as she went up the stairs to the girls' dormitory.

James cleared his throat. 'So… er… that story where Lily's looking at my arse, yes?'


	10. These words

Sirius grinned at him. 'Sometimes I think you're an even bigger narcissist than me,' he said, taking the book from Peter and browsing through the pages, looking for the right story. 'Are you that eager to read about your own arse?'

'When it's Lily's thought about it? Yes, I am.'

'Okay, I've got it. _These words_ – look, it's even got your arse in the description,' Sirius said. 'Does anyone else want the honour or can I read?'

As none of the other Marauders volunteered, Sirius started reading.

**7.00 No! Shit! Monday! I don't want to wake up. Let's just sleep for five more minutes.**

'I knew she wasn't that much of a morning person,' James said. 'That cheery thing she does in the morning is obviously a façade.'

**7.45 Bigger shit! Why do I keep promising myself 5 minutes when I know it's always more? Okay, hurry, then I might have a shot at breakfast…**

**8.17 Or, you know, not. I'm hungry and I haven't combed my hair and… Hmmm, James Potter is looking mighty fine today. **

'See what I meant?' Sirius said, while Peter slapped James on the back. 'This Lily's all over you.'

'What are you lot doing?' Lily came down the stairs, wearing an oversized T-shirt underneath her red dressing gown. 'Have I just walked into some James/Sirius fanfiction scenario?'

'Not at all, Evans,' Sirius said. 'This is written from your point of view. Want to join us in reading? I thought you were going to bed, by the way…'

'I was, but I heard you still talking and I got curious.' She took back her seat on James's arm rest. 'So, if this is written by "me", would you like me to read it, to make it seem more authentic?'

'If you would, yes.'

**I mean, for an arrogant, bullying toerag, **

'Which is true, James,' she said.

**he has a nice arse, can't deny that. **

'Is that true as well?' James said, grinning. His pleased expression changed into one of shock when she shrugged and said, 'Yeah, it's pretty good.'

**Also, yesterday, when he came back from Quidditch Practice all wet and manly –**

**This is what not-eating does to me. Fantasizing about Potter. Merlin.**

'All right, am I the only one who thinks we should starve Lily?' said Peter. 'That way she'd be shagging Prongs within two days!'

'Two hours, more like it,' Sirius said.

_**Evans, did you know your sweater is inside out? Not that it doesn't look adorable, just thought you might like to know. James.  
P.S. If you feel the sudden need to change it, please do so when I'm present. It'd make my day.**_

'You are a perv, Potter,' Lily said.

**8.31 The cheek of him! Worst thing, he's right.**

_**The cheek of you, saying something like that, in class, no less. Evans.**_

_**A man can always try, can't he? X James**_

**8.35 Bloody James Potter. No, men can't and they shouldn't. They should leave me alone.**

'Are you all listening?' Lily said.

'No, I'm still thinking of what you said about my arse,' said James. 'Sorry Evans.'

**8.36 Wonder what he meant by that 'x'? As in kiss, or…?**

'Or maybe it's his secret signature, the one he only uses when he's about to destroy the world!' Sirius said, laughing maniacally. The others just stared at him.

'I think it's a kiss,' James said.

**8.37 Not that it matters. I'd never kiss him back anyway.**

**11.30 Okay, now I'm really getting hungry and unnecessarily mean at that. I just snapped at poor Remus for telling me my shirt was all wrong. And he didn't do it so I'd take it off, he's just being nice. Thank God I'm in Charms, I'd die if this were… Transfiguration or something like that. I can already envision McGonagall's face when she saw me like this. **

**11.45 What is it about note-passing today? Just now, Peter sent me:**

**_James wants to know what time he has to patrol tonight_.**

**I scribbled back:**

_**He can ask me himself if he really wants to know. He needn't be so childish.**_

**There. That'll teach him to send his minions.**

'I'm not a minion, Lily,' Peter said.

'I didn't say you were, the narrative did.'

**11.47 Oh no, this probably means he's going to talk to me. Must make sure sweater is correct when time comes.**

**11.50 Or maybe change? Do something with my hair?**

'As if I care what my hair looks like when James is around,' Lily said scornfully.

'So you're not saying you didn't brush your hair before you went down again?' Remus said.

'I – that doesn't matter. That wasn't for James.'

**12.20 This is seriously un-funny. I thought I was safe, but no – Flitwick of all people is telling me I look tired and there's something about my sweater. He said it a lot nicer than McGonagall would've, but _still._**

**12.21 Then again, I suppose he can't really see higher than my navel. Noticing the sweater is logical.**

'I have a very creepy image of Flitwick just staring at girls' boobs. But I mean, _only _staring at them,' said Sirius. 'And he can't even help it! He's a pervert without wanting to! Poor Filius.'

**12.30 FOOD**

Remus laughed. 'Do you really think like that?'

'Only when I'm hungry. You always think we girls are nothing but proper and tidy and whatnot, but we can be just as bad as you,' Lily said. She looked at Sirius and frowned. 'Okay, maybe not as bad as Sirius, but still pretty bad.'

**12.50 Time for a quick change. Also, put on some make-up, never know who I might meet. **

'Yeah, like Prongs,' said Sirius. 'Right?'

**Oh, Vanity, thy name is Lily Evans.**

'No, it's Sirius Black,' Remus said.

**14.20 Well, Potter spoke to me. Barely, but he did. It went kind of like this:**

**Him: 'Oi! Evans!'**

**Me: 'What?'**

**Him: 'What time is patrol tonight?'**

**Me: 'Same as ever, between 9 and 10.30.'**

**Him: 'Ok, thanks, bye.' (he walks away)**

'I can feel the love in that conversation,' said Peter, barely containing his laughter. 'How the two of you haven't got together yet is beyond me. The romance, oh, the romance!'

**I honestly don't know what's wrong with this boy. **

'Everything,' said Sirius.

'Look at yourself,' James said. 'I'm perfectly normal compared to you.'

**Sometimes he's the same as always – i.e. bratty, over-confident and a downright pervert – and then suddenly he is distant and looks like he would rather be anywhere than near me. What does he _want?_**

'Cookies,' said Peter.

'World peace,' said Remus.

'To get into your knickers,' said Sirius, looking at Lily.

They all looked at James, who shrugged. 'All of the above?'

**16.00 Library. Not staring at Potter. No, not at all.**

**16.03 I mean it, I'm not.**

'I'm starting to see why they aren't together yet,' said Sirius. 'Lily's just chin-deep in denial.'

'I'm not in denial!' _Am I?_ she wondered. _No, of course not. _'Don't be ridiculous.'

**16.05 Not a glance in his direction.**

**16.06 Except sometimes at his arse.**

'I don't always look at his arse,' Lily said, when Sirius gave her a pointed look. 'Really. I mean, it looks good, but I _can _concentrate when I've homework to do. I can!'

'Just continue reading,' said Peter, who was the only one who'd already read the story and knew how it ended.

**16.07 What would make it so nice? I know he loves Quidditch, but that's not really arse-defining, is it? Should ask Alice. And stop staring.**

Lily looked at James. 'Well?'

'Well what?'

'Answer the question; now I'm curious, too. I mean, is it Quidditch?'

'Five galleons they'll be shagging within the week,' Sirius murmured to Remus, who nodded.

A cheeky grin spread across James's face. 'Just good genetics, Evans. Like fanfiction!you said, Quidditch isn't very… arse-defining.' He blinked and shook his head. 'Can't believe I just used that word.'

**16.10 No! He looked around and caught me sta – glancing! And then he winked. Sexy wink. But am too embarrassed to really enjoy that.**

'What were you saying about that denial, Evans?' Sirius asked.

_**Lillykins, is there a reason why you're staring at us/James? – Sirius**_

**16.20 No! Sirius noticed? I thought the only thing that boy looked at was a mirror…**

'I'm not that vain!' Sirius threw his hands in the air. 'I'm not!'

**_Don't call me Lillykins. I'm not staring at you _or _Potter_.**

'She is,' said Remus. 'You are, Lily, you are. It's denial again. I think you're someone who would greatly benefit from a hefty dose of Veritaserum…'

**16.25 My eloquence keeps surprising me. Couldn't I have come up with a nice swear word or something?**

_**Of course not, love. Keep telling yourself that.**_

**16.30 Stupid Black. And Potter.**

'Hear hear,' Lily said.

'Doing my homework will never be the same with Lily around,' said James, wondering if he should put an arm around Lily's waist. 'Now that I know she keeps leering at me, will I ever feel safe from her prying eyes again?'

**16.40 Left the library – it wasn't as if I was actually studying. Also, felt like I'd die if Potter turned around and thought I was goggling him. Am going to have loads of fun with Emma now.**

**17.00 _Hello, I'm Lily Evans and I fancy James Potter and want to have his babies (or at least a good shag)._**

Lily groaned. 'Just to make it clear, that was written by someone else, probably that Emma. Neither fanfiction!me nor real!me wants to have James's babies.'

**L: _Very Funny, Emma._**

**E_: It's only funny because it's true._**

'I like this Emma,' said Sirius. 'She sayeth sooth.'

**L_: Is not._**

**E: _Keep telling yourself that, darling._**

**L: _Did you know you're actually quoting Black, as in, almost to the letter?_**

'Always a good plan,' Sirius said.

'Yes, when you're trying to get yourself detention, it never fails,' said Peter.

**E: _He has to be right sometimes, and apparently now is such a time. So do you think James already knows a name for you firstborn child?_**

**L: _Yes, he does. Helen Lily for a girl, Harry James for a boy._**

'There's that Harry Potter again,' said Remus. 'Lily, you might have to consider that Harry Potter could be your son. Not saying it is, just… that you might want to get used to the idea.'

'James and I are not going to have a son named Harry. I don't like that name much.'

_**Not that there's going to be a baby.**_

**E_: I like the names, though_**

**L: _Yes, me too_.**

'That's not true! It's not true! Although Helen _is _nice._'_

**17.50 Incredible. Mary actually just slipped me a condom, saying I might 'need it for patrol tonight'. **

'This girl is my heroine,' said Sirius.

**Honestly, what kind of girl does she think I am?**

**17,55 Her answer: a determined one. Well, can't argue there, **

'That's very true,' said Peter. All Marauders thought back to the many moments when Lily had been determined to proof them wrong, annoy them or get some information from them. 'Determined' was a very good description of her.

**except that I'm determined to not like Potter, so there is no need _at all _for preservatives.**

'See! Even the story tells us she's in denial,' Sirius yelled.

**18.00 I think.**

**18.30 It's kind of strange to walk around with a condom. As if I could have sex at any moment.**

'That's because you can,' said Sirius. 'Just tell Prongs and you're ready to go!'

**18.35 Told Emma about this and she said I would have sex any moment. Why am I friends with her?**

'Who is this Emma? I think I'm going to marry her,' said Sirius, flabbergasted. 'We're like one mind, Emma and I.'

'I… I think Emma's from another story – that girl who decided she was going to snog Remus? They're kind of the same,' said Lily. 'So sorry, Sirius, you're not her type. Moony is.' When she'd said the words, she surprised herself by calling Remus 'Moony'; judging from the faces of the others, they'd noticed it too, but no one mentioned it.

**18.45 Potter entered the Great Hall. I swear, he knows about the condom; he gave me a sexy smile and said, 'Hey Evans. In front of the portrait hole at nine?'**

'Shag!' Sirius shouted.

**I nodded, feeling the piece of rubber burning in my back pocket. 'See you then.'**

**'Yes. Can't wait.' Another sexy smile and then he was gone. Hmm, why does he have such a gorgeous body? **

'Oh, no,' Lily groaned. 'Potter, your body isn't _that _gorgeous. The arse, yes, but other than that? It's not that… I mean, it's not bad, but…' She tried to phrase it without either insulting him or leading him on, and found there was none. 'Hm.'

**Wonder what it would feel like? **

'Want to find out?' James said.

**Those stomach muscles must be…**

**Brain, stop!**

**It's the condom. I hope.**

'Shag!' Sirius said again. 'It's not the condom, Lily!'

**20.00 Hmmmmm. Just spent a very pleasant hour 'working', i.e. taking my books and daydreaming while pretending to work. **

Lily almost wished she hadn't read that sentence, because Peter sat up straighter and looked at her. 'That isn't what you really do, is it?' he asked, eyeing her suspiciously.

'I… sometimes,' she said. 'I'm only human!'

'I want to bet she thought about Prongs,' said Sirius. 'Shag!'

**It's a good thing imaginary me was prepared, otherwise imaginary Harry and Helen might've come a couple years early. **

'See! I told you!'

'So, Evans, sex fantasies with me in it, eh?' said James.

'Sod off, Potter.'

**Also, must say imaginary James is very talented. Wonder what he's like in real life?**

'I repeat: want to find out?'

She smacked him on the head with the book. 'This story is making you cockier than is healthy for you. No, I don't want to find out.' _I think_. _NO, BRAIN, WHAT IS THIS? Of course I don't want to find out. He's James POTTER!_

**20.15 How I hate Sirius Black. I was dreaming and he just sits next to me and says, in a perfectly serious voice: 'Evans, if you had to have a baby with James or me, who would you choose?'**

'That sounds like Sirius,' said Peter. 'I remember him saying that to me once.'

'I do hope you said James,' Remus said. 'After all, Potters are known for male pregnancies.'

**Alice came in from behind, rolling her eyes. 'He's asked Lexi and me the same question.'**

**'And what did you say?' I asked.**

**'She said Sirius – Merlin knows why. **

'That must be horrible, having Sirius for a father,' said James.

**I'd go for James, I feel like he'd make a better father.'**

'I would, I think.'

'Probably, yes,' said Sirius, stroking his chin.

'Though "better than Padfoot" still doesn't say much,' said Peter.

**I told Sirius to piss off, then started wondering. If imaginary me hadn't had that condom and imaginary Harry and/or Helen were born, what kind of father would James be? He'd stand by me, that's for sure, but for the rest? Intriguing thought.**

Lily glanced to her left, but James wasn't looking at her; she could see he was repressing a smile. _What kind of father would he be?_

**20.55 Oh, damn, almost nine. Time to meet the real-life father of my imaginary children.**

**21.05 Very weird to actually see him now. Does he know I've been thinking about him? Does he care?**

'Yes, Evans, he does,' said Sirius. 'Believe me. Just see him sitting there, all smug because of those comments about his arse.'

**21.30 So far, my imagination was more exciting. **

'Then shag!'

'Sirius, stop that,' said Remus.

**When is he going to push me up against a wall, declare his undying love for me and kiss me like his life depends on it? I'm waiting, Potter.**

'Are you, Evans?' James said.

'No. ' She thought back of their patrol that night. It would've been interesting, to say the least, if he _had _started kissing her. But she didn't actually want him to, of course; it was just the story giving her strange ideas.

**22.00 Any time now…**

**22.10 Just had an awkward conversation. It started with James asking me if I was all right.**

**I shook my head, feeling a bit embarrassed. 'Everything's fine, Potter.' Then I thought, if we were going to have babies, they'd be Potters, too! Naturally, I did not tell him this. 'Just tired.'**

**'Oh, okay. I thought I might've done something wrong,' he said. 'You keep throwing me strange looks… **

'Looks of lust, Prongs!' Sirius shouted. 'SHAG!'

'Sirius, be quiet, you might wake others,' said Remus.

**and, you know, if I did anything wrong, I'm sorry.'**

**I mumbled he hadn't done anything, avoiding his gaze. Very warm feeling in stomach.**

'Then SHAG!'

**Am worrying about the next twenty minutes.**

'That's enough time for a quickie!'

**22.15 Am distracted by the sexy. Can't work like this. Stupid butterflies.**

James leaned back, grinning, and Lily smacked him with the book again.

'Don't look so happy with yourself,' she said. 'I don't really think this when we're on patrol.' She was thinking it now, yes, but not on patrol.

**22.16 Stupid condom.**

**22.17 Stupid real James. You were better in my imagination.**

'I get the impression you're a disappointment between the sheets, mate,' said Sirius. 'Or maybe Evans has just got very high standards…'

**22.25 'Why Harry and Helen?'**

**'Hmm, what?'**

**'Why would you call our children Harry and Helen?' I demanded, standing still.**

**He grinned. 'Why, did you have any other names in mind? 'Cause we could always go for Elfendork; it's unisex…'**

'That's a horrible name, Prongs. I'll never allow you to name your children that,' Sirius said. 'As a person named _Sirius_, I know the burden of a strange name. With Elfendork people will never know if it's a boy or a girl!'

**'Over my dead body am I calling my child Elfendork!' I was quiet for a second. 'But I like Harry and Helen.'**

**'Yeah, so do I.' Silence, but a pleasant one. Wonder what would happen if I leaned into him?**

**22.26 Answer: He'd put an arm around me. **

Just to try it, Lily leaned into James, who was so surprised he just stared at her.

'Evans?'

'You really _are _disappointing. Even the disappointing fanfiction!you is better than this,' said Lily, who sat upright again.

**23.00 Oh, Merlin. I was just leaning against him, thinking it was all very nice and that he smelled verrrry good, when he said, 'So, are Harry and Helen going to be immaculately conceived, or is this a sign we might one day go for the more natural course?'**

'The cheek of you!' Lily said.

**The cheek of him!**

**'The cheek of you!' **

'Whow. Cheek-overload,' said Peter. 'Do you really think that, Evans? "The cheek of you"?'

'I – yeah. I like the expression.'

**I told him for the second time today. Then I added, 'Yes to the second.' Suddenly, felt like a woman in control, felt strong, felt very sexy, and so I grabbed him by his tie, pulled him close and kissed him. Just like that.**

Lily fell silent, while Sirius cleared his throat.

'Just shag already,' he said in a calm, collected voice.

'You know, Lily, you could always do that,' said James. 'Just decide you're in control and snog me. I promise I won't object at all.'

'Maybe I'm momentarily brain-dead in the story,' said Lily. 'Let's continue and hope it gets better.'

**Was more than a bit shocked by self. **

'Ah, see! There's reason again.'

**If I'm honest, I think James was, too, because when I released him, he looked as if someone had hit him on the back of his head with a frying pan. I had expected this much; imaginary James had done the same thing in several fantasies.**

**All the witty remarks fantasy-me had uttered, however, had completely evaporated, leaving me lost for words. Eventually, I settled for, 'James? Are you all right?'**

'He probably just jizzed in his pants,' said Sirius.

James buried his face in his hands. 'Did you have to, Padfoot? We're reading about how I've just snogged Lily and you have to bring _that _into it?'

**He nodded, though he barely seemed to realize it himself. He blinked. 'I – I think I feel a bit faint,' he said. 'Did you just snog me or was that my brain snapping?'**

'The latter. That, or my brain snapped.'

**'Your brain is fine,' I said.**

'It's not,' Sirius, Remus and Peter said in unison.

**This seemed to bring him back to earth. 'Okay. Er… great. **

'"Did you really snog me? Oh. Awesome. Right. Now what?"' said Sirius, imitating James's voice. 'How eloquent you are. Evans, you should snog him just before he has to give a talk or something like that, just to see if he can even say _anything_.'

**So, want to do it again?'**

´No!´ Lily said.

**I did, and so I kissed him again. **

'No! What am I doing?'

'Snogging me!'

**No, it wasn't as wild as in my imagination (though at a certain point he did push me up against a wall (why do I think that's sexy? Why?) and kissed me like his life depended on it); **

'Pushing you against a wall? Would that work?'

'Only if you wanted to be prosecuted for rape,' she said. She decided not to mention that, with consent, she did think it was very sexy. It had something very manly, didn't it? And if James did it, then…

'Evans?' Peter said, waving his hand in front of her face. 'Is something wrong?'

She shook her head. 'No. Sorry. I'm continuing.'

**there was no declaration of love and all of our clothes stayed on. In retrospect, this was very good, because something happened that I had not foreseen.**

**It was McGonagall. Walking in on us, snogging in the corridor, after curfew.**

'You're kidding,' said James. 'That would happen? That – that is like God is pissing on us!'

'I kid you not,' said Lily.

**I think she took it fairly well, considering her age and everything. 'Mr. Potter! Miss Evans! What do you think you're doing?'**

**We tore apart. As I stood there, my mouth opening and closing in horror, James took the lead.**

**'Snogging the mother of my future children, Professor,' he said. **

Lily laughed. 'Okay, that's funny,' she said. 'I wonder how she'd take it if you said that?'

'"Well done, Potter. I knew you had it in you – five points to Gryffindor!"' James said.

**'I _am _sorry, I know this isn't the appropriate place or time for such behaviour, but the love just became too much. We won't do it again.'**

**In the end, we didn't even get detention. Long live being Head Girl!**

'That's unfair. I'd be killed if Minnie caught me,' said Sirius.

'Yes, but that's because you're just snogging a girl. I'm snogging the mother of my future children – it's a completely different matter,' said James.

'Yeah, Minnie's probably got money on this,' Peter said, nodding. 'She wants to cash in.'

'I… oh come on, people don't have bets on that,' said Lily. She scanned the rest of the chapter, but decided it wasn't interesting enough. 'We end up shagging, I think,' she said to James. 'But this story proves that fanfiction isn't the most accurate.'

'Hmmhmm. If you say so, Evans,' said Sirius. 'Let me know when Harry's coming – I want to be his godfather.'

Lily smacked him with the book. 'You're horrible, all of you. I'm off to bed, for real this time.'

They said goodnight and went to their own dormitory, where James read the rest of the chapter on his own. If he was not mistaken – and that was a big "if" – then it seemed like his Lily might be closer to her fanfiction!self than she wanted to know.

* * *

**A/N: A more romantic one, with an edited version of my story 'These words'. If you have ideas for next chapters, let me know!**


	11. Chocoholic

'And – we're – free!' Sirius ran out of the classroom and did a little victory dance. 'We're free, we're free, we – are – free!'

'Well, apart from the homework we have to do,' said Remus.

'Homework? No, Remus, no homework. We are free and we are going to enjoy this! I say we're going outside and RUN LIKE THE WIND!' Sirius turned around, spread his arms, looked out of the window – and groaned as he saw the torrential downpour effectively killing off his chances of going outside with his friends.

'Look at the bright side,' said Remus. 'James had a Quidditch training planned for tonight. You could be in his team.'

'Moony, Prongs is the main reason why I didn't even consider trying out this year.' Sirius walked over to the window, his face that of an abandoned puppy. 'Now what are we supposed to do?'

'Homework,' said Peter.

'Now what are we supposed to do?' Sirius repeated.

'How exhausting it must be to share a dormitory with him,' Lily said to James. They were both standing in the doorway and looking at Sirius's dramatics. 'How do you keep him silent at night?'

'Nowadays we read him a story,' said James. 'Before that? Drugs. Stunning Spells. Gags. Anything, really, but you get used to it.'

'Why don't we read one story before we do our homework?' Peter suggested. 'Then we have some time to relax before we force our brains into submission again.'

The others agreed, so they went to their favourite abandoned classroom. A cold December wind came in through the window, so instead of just de-dusting the room, Remus also conjured a couple of small fires to keep them all warm. The result was a very comfy, campfire-y atmosphere.

'Okay, let's read this,' Lily said, choosing a story. 'It's called _Chocoholic_, by someone named Carrot-Bunny. It is, as you've probably guess, about our dearly beloved Remus and his chocolate addiction.' Lily grinned at Remus. 'And something with Wolfstar, but I've no idea what that is.'

'Only one way to find out,' Sirius said. 'And true Gryffindors never back away from a quest!'

**Remus remembered his first Hogsmeade back in third year. He had been standing in front of the Honeydukes display window, gazing longingly at the magnificent chocolates on display inside and wishing he had enough money to buy them. **

'Í remember that, too,' said Peter. 'That "woe is me"-expression on his face…'

Remus shrugged. 'I hadn't discovered the kitchens yet, okay? And – and Honeydukes does have the most amazing offer of chocolate…'

**Unfortunately, he never received much pocket money, but that didn't stop him from spending a good part of every Hogsmeade visit standing in front of the sweet shop, freezing his hands off and longing for something he would never be able to have.**

'Am I the only one who thinks of a forbidden love when reading "something he would never be able to have"?' Lily said. 'Almost like he's Sir Lancelot and looking at Guinevere, knowing she belongs to someone else…'

'That probably _is _how he feels about chocolate,' Sirius said. 'His one and true love, eh, Moony?'

**A few years on it was still very much the same as always, only that now he was no longer alone, nor were his hands freezing in the cold. **

'He's found love! He's found Elaine of Astolat, whom he pretends to love but will never be as wonderful as his Guinevere-chocolate,' Lily said. 'But still she warms him, when he's cold and lonely at night…'

'Lily, the story's about chocolate, not Arthurian romance,' said Sirius.

**They were now held by another pair of hands, gently rubbing against his.**

'If this isn't romance, I don't know what is,' said Lily. 'I do love stories where Remus finds someone.'

**"Damn it Moony, it's your entire fault I have to stand here with you in the freezing cold."**

**"And why is that, Padfoot?"**

'I…' Sirius looked at the book. 'Why am I warming Moony's hands?'

'Because they're cold,' said James. 'Because you love him!'

**"If it wasn't for those chocolate-tasting lips of yours, I could have led a simple, chocolate-free life. **

'… Who is sa – oh, please don't tell me fanfiction!me is saying this. How would I know what Remus's lips taste like?' As a matter of fact, Sirius _did _know what they tasted like, but that was one drunk, drunk, _drunk _moment he and Remus both pretended had never happened. And that time Remus had tasted of vodka.

**But no, now I have to stand here wishing for some of that sinfully delicious stuff inside. It's like a drug."**

'"You're like a drug to me,"' said Peter. '"Like my own personal brand of heroin."'

Everyone gave him strange looks.

'What was that?' James said.

'Er… nothing.'

**"You could go inside and buy some, you know."**

**"Nah, I spent most of my pocket money in Zonko's Joke Shop. I don't have enough left. But if you could, which one would you buy?"**

**Remus pointed to the largest box of chocolate in the window without hesitation. "That one."**

'I have this image of Remus and Sirius, both boys from the dregs, heartbreakingly skinny in their worn-out clothing, looking at the candy store, hoping they'll get the Golden Ticket…' Lily let out a deep sigh. 'Oh, to have that Golden Ticket…'

'I… I think you're the only one who thinks that, Evans,' said Sirius. 'Personally, I have an image of Remus standing in front of Honeydukes, wanking off to chocolate the way he always does.'

**"You just ****love**** wanting stuff you know you can't have, don't you?"**

**"I don't care."**

**"Yeah, I thought as much." Suddenly Sirius was hit by a bright idea. **

'Oh, no, everyone run,' said James. 'I know Sirius's "bright ideas"…'

**"Hey, why don't we pool in all our money together and buy it?"**

'Oh. Well, that wasn't so bad,' said James.

'Just wait until he gets the idea to turn the chocolate into a mini-dragon that will eat Snape and burn his hair, or something like that,' said Peter. 'You know it's only a matter of time before he thinks of that.'

**Remus turned to look at him. "You'd be willing to use up all your money for that box of chocolate?"**

**"If you're willing. And don't forget, we split it equally, got it?" With that, Sirius led Remus by the hand into the sweet shop.**

'_Wolfstar,_' Lily said, suddenly knowing what it meant. 'Of course!'

'Does anyone else get it?' Sirius said.

'Nope.' James shook his head.

'That doesn't matter – let's continue, shall we?' she said, wondering how Sirius would react to this.

…

**It was night in Gryffindor Tower, and all the dorm rooms were dark, except for the seventh-years' boys dorm room. All its occupants were sound asleep, except for two who were sitting on opposite sides of the bed in the farthest corner with its curtains drawn. **

'Bewitching the chocolate dragon, no doubt,' said Peter.

**The only light came from a pair of wands **

'Oh, yeah, sure – "wands,"' Lily said, earning herself some surprised looks.

**lying at the side of the bed, illuminating their owners' faces as they finished off a box of chocolates together.**

'Am I… sharing my chocolate with Padfoot?' Remus said. 'I mean, I know he paid half of it, but…'

'But usually you still wouldn't share? Remus, this is the clearest sign I'll never buy you chocolate,' Sirius said. 'Of course you'll share with me, I'm the most important person in your universe.'

**"Don't you think we should save some for James and Peter?"**

'No,' Sirius and Remus said at the same time.

**"Nah, finishing it all in one go is more fun. Besides, they didn't help buy it."**

**"Still, it seems a bit wasteful, eating it all at once. **

'That isn't wasteful, that is the ultimate pleasure,' Remus said. 'There's nothing like eating a whole box in once. Except maybe eating _two _boxes…'

**I mean, we'll probably wake up tomorrow morning with our purses empty and our stomachs wanting more. And then we won't be able to buy any more."**

'I'm reminded – again – of the Golden Ticket,' Lily said. 'You two poor boys, starving, with no one to look after you…'

'Lily, they're at Hogwarts. There are House Elves,' James said. 'Even if they've no chocolate, they won't _starve_.'

**"Hey, don't forget we still have that secret passage into Honeydukes. We can go and get some any time we want it, and we won't have to pay either."**

'Once again, fanfiction!me makes excellent points,' Sirius said. 'Why didn't we think of that earlier in the story?'

**Remus shot his friend a glare. "You know I don't like to do that."**

'Oh. That's why.'

'What? It's stealing,' said Remus. 'It _is _wrong.'

**"Yeah, yeah, Prefect Moony. But I say stolen bread - or in this case, chocolate - tastes better."**

'See, the stolen moments with Guinevere-chocolate are better than when Remus could've come out and just declared his love for her,' said Lily. 'Even Sirius-Elaine sees that.'

**"But using your money to buy it gives you a sense of contentment…" His words drawled off as he took the last piece of chocolate in the box and took a dainty bite, savouring the taste of chocolate on the tip of his tongue.**

James was the only one who saw the corners of Lily's mouth turn up – the rest was too engrossed in the story. But now James, too, had a feeling he might know what Wolfstar meant…

**Sirius, who had long since finished the last of his portion of chocolate, was now eying Remus greedily. **

'Remus, or Remus's?' Sirius said, sounding a bit worried.

'Remus,' said Lily. 'It definitely says Remus.'

Sirius choked. 'Must be a spelling error, then. That's all right.'

**"Hey no fair, why do you get more chocolate than me?"**

**"I don't. We split it equally. You just ate faster because you swallow them whole like a hungry dog."**

**"Moony, I _am _a hungry dog."**

**"And I'm a sophisticated wolf who likes to devour his prey bit by bit and savour every last bite."**

'I can't believe I said that,' said Remus. 'I'm hardly what you'd call sophisticated as a wolf…'

'Even as a wolf you're a thousand times more sophisticated than Padfoot,' Peter said.

**"You know, Moony, that's probably the most perverted thing I've heard you say." **

'How is that perverted?' Sirius asked.

'Subtext, Sirius, subtext,' Lily said.

**Sirius watched as Remus finished the last of his chocolate and carefully licked his fingers like a cat cleaning itself. "You've still got some on your mouth."**

'I hate it when he does that,' Sirius said. 'Looking content with himself because he's had chocolate…'

'Sirius, we're getting to the climax – shut up,' Lily said, her cheeks a bit red.

**"Do I?" Before Remus could stick out his tongue to lick it off, however, Sirius had pounced on him, pinning him to the mattress. **

Sirius blinked. 'Lily, don't do this.'

'I didn't write it. Come on, you two… wrestle… all the time. Maybe it's nothing,' Lily said.

**"Sorry Moony, but that chocolate is mine." **

'See? You're just a hungry bastard,' said James, taking off his glasses and cleaning them with the hem of his jumper, so as not to look at Sirius. 'No surprise there. It's not _our _fault you see sex in everything.'

**Before Remus could protest, he could feel a hot wet tongue slowly licking the edge of his lips. He held still, not daring to move.**

'… Am I the only one who thinks this is slightly rape-tastic?' Peter said. 'I mean, Remus… doesn't sound like he's enjoying it.'

'I've just been assaulted and licked by Padfoot – would _you _enjoy that?'

'That is unresolved sexual tension, Remus, unresolved sexual tension!' Lily said.

**"All done." Sirius got off, leaving his friend to let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. Remus sat up, and immediately noticed his fellow chocoholic was still staring at him. "What, is there a spot you missed?" Highly unlikely, he thought.**

'That just sounds like Padfoot slobbered all over him in his dog form,' said Peter.

'Maybe he did,' James said.

**"I wonder if you have any hidden in your mouth." A sly grin was spreading on Sirius' face.**

'I'm not going to snog Moony, am I?' Sirius said. 'I'm not gay! I'm not!'

'No one said anything about snogging, Sirius,' James said.

Sirius raised his eyebrows. 'Prongs, that isn't just "subtext", that's not my perverted brain, that is – I mean – just _read _that sentence! Fanfiction!me is _so _obviously trying to snog Moony, it's not even subtle!'

'No, but when have you ever been subtle?' Peter said.

**"Padfoot, that's absurd - " Remus didn't get to finish his sentence as his friend had pounced on him again, now pressing his lips to his own. **

'Whoohoo!' Lily cheered. 'Resolved sexual tension!'

**This time he didn't hold in his breath, but readily opened his lips slightly as he felt Sirius' tongue in his mouth, exploring the corners for any trace of chocolate.**

'It's just for chocolate,' Sirius told himself, staring stonily ahead. 'I – Moony, I'd never do that. So don't go eating chocolate just because you think I'd shag you.'

'How funny would it be if Peter woke up right now and told them to be quiet?' Lily said.

**Sirius finally let go, and rested his head on his friend's chest. "Moony, is your mouth made of chocolate?"**

'Probably,' James snorted. 'Eating so much of it is bound to affect his body in more ways than one.'

**Remus stroked his friend's hair gently. "I don't know. Would you like to find out?"**

'No!' Sirius said.

'Sirius, come on, you're cute together,' said Lily. 'And at least this story had some sort of plot-ish thing going on. Unlike that other one where you and Remus were just suddenly shagging. I think it's cute. Now be quiet, I'm almost finished.'

**"I would." Sirius lifted his head and kissed his friend again, feeling him respond with equal passion.**

**Later that night, as the two of them lay breathless on the bed, Messr Padfoot had come to the conclusion that Messr Moony's mouth was indeed made of chocolate, and many more sweet things besides.**

'And that's the end,' Lily said.

'Why do people pair me with Moony?' Sirius said, shaking his head. 'Why?'

'Well, it makes sense,' James said. 'I mean, everybody thinks Lily and I belong together – and it's no good looking like that, you know it's true,' he said, looking at Lily, '– and for some reason people hate Peter. So _if _people have to be gay, those would be you.'

'But why would someone have to be gay?' Remus said. 'That's what I don't get.'

'Because boy on boy is hot,' Lily said.

James stared at her. 'I'm sorry?'

'It is! Boys are always going on about how girl on girl is hot and then they're surprised when we feel the same, except about boys. I mean, it's not really my cup of tea, though Sirius and Remus would be cute together, but… yeah, I get why a lot of girls like it.' She didn't look at the Marauders as she said, 'So, er… homework now?'

* * *

**A/N: Story not written by me, but by an actual person! Carrot-bunny. The story can also be found on her profile, in a non-MST'd way :) Hope you like it, next chapter should be up soon.**


	12. Ariana Riddle II

'There's another chapter of Ariana Riddle!' Sirius exclaimed when James entered the dormitory. 'Want to read it? Moony said we had to wait until you got back.'

James, who was soaked through and through, just shrugged and started to take off his Quidditch robes. 'If you want to,' he said. He shivered when a cold gust of wind came in through the window. 'I think I'm going to take a shower first, though.'

'You are such a wimp,' Sirius said. 'Just make it a quick one.'

'I'll get Lily.' Peter got up from his bed and went downstairs. A couple of minutes later he returned with Lily by his side.

'A new chapter of Ariana Riddle?' Lily said, as she sat down on James's bed. She looked around the room, a small crease between her eyebrows. 'Wait, where's James? I thought we were waiting for him?'

'Did you see him when he got in?' Remus said. 'He couldn't have been wetter if he'd fallen into the lake.'

'Well, he did plan the training; he could've waited for better weather,' said Peter. 'It's his team I feel sorry for.'

Just that moment the bathroom door opened again and James entered the room, wearing nothing but a red towel around his waist. As Lily watched, a drop of water fell from his hair onto his chest and slid downwards.

She blinked and averted her eyes. 'Hey James – you might want to get dressed,' she said.

He jumped up. 'Evans! Didn't know you were here. I… should probably put some clothes on. Wait one second.' He walked to the bed and stopped when he was standing in front of his drawers. Through sheer will Lily forced herself not to turn around and look at him until he said, 'Okay, I'm decent.'

'About time. I want to know if I'm going to shag this girl,' Sirius said. 'Now, who is going to read?'

'I'll do it,' said Peter, taking the book. 'All right – chapter two! It's called "The Sorting".'

**After hours of talking and getting to know one another, the train stopped **

'Am I being a horrible person if I point out that isn't grammatically correct?' Remus said. 'The way this is phrased makes it seem like the train was talking…'

'Yes, Remus, that would make you a horrible person,' said Sirius.

**and the Marauders plus Ariana looked out of the window. Ariana gasped for breath; **

'Well, doh – what else was she supposed to gasp for?' Remus shook his head. 'Barely two sentences in and already I'm behaving like this. I'm sorry, guys.'

**the Hogwarts Castle was more beautiful than she'd ever imagined. **

'**You have to go with Hagrid,' Sirius explained, as they got out and stood on the platform. 'All new students go with him – but you're not a First Year…'**

'She should still go with the others over the Lake,' said Lily. 'It's tradition – it doesn't matter if you're technically a first year or not! It's symbolic for entering the castle for the first time.'

'**She can just go with us,' James decided. 'It would be strange for her to go with all those children.'**

'Oh, sorry, I forgot she's a Mary Sue,' Lily said, shaking her head. 'She has to be special and everything – there's no way she could enter the castle with those lowly _first years_.'

**Though Ariana didn't want to stand out – **

'– she always did,' Sirius finished.

'I see you're getting a knack for knowing about Mary Sues,' said Lily.

**that never ended well for her, she'd discovered – she was glad she didn't have to go with all the First Year students; like James had said, it would be strange and she would look weird, which was the last thing she wanted. **

'She's so shallow!'

'Lily, relax – it's just a story, remember? And yes, she's shallow, but things could've been a lot worse,' said Peter. 'She could hate you, for instance.' His eyes tightened.

**So she followed the Marauders into a carriage and went with them to the castle. She was feeling queasy with nerves about her Sorting, but Remus had assured her that a girl like her would end in Gryffindor, no doubt. **

'Now that's just plain ridiculous,' Lily said. '"A girl like her" – meaning to say that she's so pure and sweet she'll get into Gryffindor, because that's the only place nice people end up? Doesn't she know we've loads of shitheads, too? Not to mention the other Houses, which are _filled _with wonderful people and - '

'Stop taking offence to this!' Sirius said. 'And stop nitpicking. Remus probably just said it to comfort her or something.'

**They entered the castle; with every step she took, Ariana was more surprised by the sheer beauty and wonder of the building, while everyone else acted as if it was completely normal. **

'Maybe because it is,' James said.

Lily repressed a shudder. Was it her, or had James voice just been very sexy? It hadn't even been a sexy comment.

_All this fanfiction is getting to my head_, she thought.

**When they sat down at the Gryffindor table – and Ariana looked at the ceiling, mesmerized – James suddenly perked up and started ruffling his hair.**

'**Is something wrong?' Ariana asked.**

'**It's Lily,' he whispered, **

'Well, that's pretty accurate,' said Peter. 'He did always start doing his hair when he first sees you every year…'

James ran a hand through his wet hair, making it stand up. 'Yes, all that effort into my hair, when apparently all she ever looks at is my arse.'

'I don't only look at your arse,' she said. 'I'm a personality kind of person.'

'No, Lily, you get off on his arse and you know it,' said Sirius. 'That's fine, just don't deny it and shag Prongs already!'

**motioning to a red-haired girl sitting a couple of seats away. Her face was pretty, **

Lily smiled. 'Why, thank you.'

'Suddenly she likes Ariana,' Sirius said. 'Now Ariana's nice to her.'

'I don't like her, it's just flattering to hear this!'

**with emerald eyes and a small, straight nose, but her body had nothing on Ariana's; **

'I knew I didn't like her. So much for the flattering.'

**this Lily was just a bit too thin, her breasts too small. **

Lily was miffed, but at the same time she almost had to laugh at the not-very-subtle looks the Marauders were now giving her.

'Her breasts aren't that small,' Sirius finally said, being the first to show his true colours. 'I mean, not big like this Ariana's, but… you know. Firm and everything.'

Now she really had to laugh. 'I know I'm not well-endowed. I just didn't think fanfiction would know it, too.' Although she had to admit, it was very strange to think people wrote about the size of her breasts.

'They're not small,' James said. 'Not big, but you're a small person, Lily. It would be… strange if your boobs were big when the rest of you isn't. They're just well balanced.'

'Okay, and we've had enough talk of my boobs – Peter, please continue.'

**Still, Ariana had to admit she looked nice.**

'**Prongs fancies her,' Sirius laughed. 'But she doesn't look at him twice.'**

'Oh, she does now,_'_ Sirius said.

'**This year she will,' James promised, checking his reflection in the back of his spoon. 'This year she will go out with me.'**

'This is just too familiar,' said Remus. 'I remember wishing she'd go out with him just so _this _would end.'

**Ariana couldn't understand why Lily would have rejected James before; he was so handsome, not to mention funny and smart and nice. **

'You're kidding me, right?' Lily said. 'Are we sure James didn't write this?' Because even if it was true – which she wasn't admitting to anyone, least of all herself – then she had still had enough reasons not to go out with him. He'd bullied her best friend, for one; and of course there was his arrogance. Although she had to admit that his hubris had diminished and she and Sev weren't friends anymore…

**Just as she mused what could possibly move Lily to not-go-out with James, the door to the Great Hall opened again and a stern-looking witch entered, followed by a group of a hundred or so eleven-year-olds. Ariana, knowing she was going to be Sorted too, wondered if she should get up and join them, or wait here until her name was called; after all, it wasn't as if she'd get into another House than Gryffindor, so why should she give up this good spot?**

'Oh, could it be a red herring?' Lily whispered.

'A red herring?' said Peter. 'What has fish got to do with this?'

Lily shook her head. 'Never mind.'

**One by one the First Years were called forward, where the witch – who was called McGonagall – put a large, old Hat on their heads, which thought for a couple of moments and then shouted a House. Because her name was Riddle, Ariana had to wait until almost all the other students had been before McGonagall yelled, 'Riddle, Ariana!'**

'**Good luck,' Sirius whispered, squeezing her hand. 'See you here in a sec, eh?'**

'I hope she gets Sorted into… into going away,' Lily said. 'How can she be so sure where she's going to end? Nobody knows that!'

**She smiled at him, but it didn't feel convincing; she felt as if she was about to vomit. Slowly, hesitantly, she walked to the podium, feeling all eyes on her. From the crowd she heard whispers – **

'"What is wrong with her hair?"' Lily said. ' "Do you think she _knows _she's a Mary Sue?"'

'**Who is that?' 'What is she doing here?' 'Why was she already sitting at the Gryffindor table?' 'She's so pretty – like a princess' - but she ignored them. **

'Bitch.'

'Lily, stop hating her!' Sirius said. 'I get it that you don't like her, but she hasn't done anything to you and you're interrupting a good story.'

'This, good? I'd rather read another story where James proposes to me.'

**Suddenly – there was a voice in her head!**

'Never a good sign,' said James.

'**Ah, Miss Riddle,' it said. 'Yes, I was wondering when you'd come. Now, let's see where to put you – you are very brave, **

'– Naturally - '

'Evans.'

'I'm sorry! She's just such a Sue, I can't help myself!'

**so that would make you a Gryffindor, but at the same time your loyalty and honesty make you suited for Hufflepuff. **

'Honesty? The second thing she said was a lie,' Lily said.

**Your intelligence **

'Right.'

**and curiosity would put you in Ravenclaw, but in the end, there's only one House where you really belong – not surprising, with _your _heritage! SLYTHERIN!' he bellowed for the whole hall to hear.**

'Oh, no, this story has us hanging out with a Slytherin?' James said. 'Yugh.'

'They're not all bad,' said Remus. 'You should know – wasn't your mum a Slytherin?'

'That is something we don't talk about.'

'I think we should all be happy she's not in Gryffindor. I would've had to share a room with her – I can't imagine that would end well,' Lily said. 'And, as proved by James's mum, Sirius can still shag her!'

**_No_. Ariana sat in shock, frozen to the chair, while on her left the Slytherin table cheered. With the utmost effort, she took off the Hat; she cast a look at her friends at the Gryffindor table and they looked just as confused as she felt. How could she belong in Slytherin? Sirius and James had told her it was the place all bad wizards and witches went – **

'That's not the same as "All Slytherins are evil", you know,' Lily said. 'Damn, this girl is stupid.'

'I think you're just jealous because the author thought Ariana might end with James,' said Sirius. 'That, and that comment about your boobs… It's just jealousy.'

'I'd rather have a brain than big boobs.'

**then what would she do there?**

**She descended the small steps and walked to the Slytherin table, all the while feeling her knees tremble. She took a place next to a handsome boy with dark, long, shiny if a little bit greasy hair, a big nose and the blackest, deepest eyes she'd ever seen. **

'Wasn't this the chapter where they introduced Snape?' Sirius said. 'They – this can't be - ?'

James snorted. 'Pads, would you describe Snivelly as "handsome"?'

'Would anyone describe _you _as muscular?' Peter said.

'**Welcome to Slytherin,' he smiled at her, offering her his hand. 'I'm Severus Snape.'**

'Gah! It is Snape! How on earth could he deserve a description like that?' James said, outraged. 'This author has _no _grip on reality whatsoever! Snivellus, handsome? No! Just – no!'

'So, how are we on those bets?' Peter said. 'Could I up the stakes by saying she'll shag Snivelly _and _Sirius?'

Sirius threw him a revolted look. 'Are you kidding me? That's just unreal. I could never go out with a girl who could also date Snivelly. The sheer thought makes me want to vomit.'

Lily just rolled her eyes at him. Two years ago she would've said that Severus wasn't that bad, just misunderstood, but two years ago she never would've been on James's bed. It was safe to say things had changed.

'So are we doing another one?' Remus said.

'I don't know; we've class tomorrow,' said Lily, glancing at her watch. 'We shouldn't stay up too late.'

'Just one more, Evans,' said Sirius. 'For me?'

She laughed and threw James's pillow at his head. 'Fine, fine. _One _more, and then I'm off to bed.'

* * *

**A/N: As always, reviews and badfic!ideas are very much appreciated, and thank you for reading!**


	13. Snape's Worst Memory I

The next morning the Marauders got up around eleven, went downstairs to get some food from the kitchens and returned to their dormitory, where they found Lily sitting on James's bed, leafing through the Companion. When she saw the boys, she smiled.

'Hey,' she said. 'I was just thinking – are those croissants?'

'Want one?' Sirius sat down next to her and handed her a croissant. 'But you were just thinking…?'

'That I wanted another story and that I could read it on my own, but I'd rather do it with you.' She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. 'If you don't mind?'

'I think I can imagine worse things than having you in my bed, early on a Saturday morn – afternoon,' James said, after glancing at the clock. He jumped on his bed and lay down, his head propped up on his pillow. 'So, Lily, are you going to read to us?'

'Because of my good reading voice?' she said. 'I might as well. Okay, this one is called… "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" – chapter 28.'

'Can't we start with chapter one?' Peter said. 'Just an idea.'

'Chapter one isn't in there,' she said. 'Probably because this book is about that Harry Potter, but this is the Marauder's Companion. Though I don't know for sure… anyway, shall I start?'

**He took a great gulp of breath, and plunged his face into the surface of Snape's thoughts. **

'That must be horrible,**' **Sirius said, horror-struck. 'Diving into Snivelly's thoughts?'

**At once, the floor of the office lurched, tipping Harry head-first into the Pensieve.**

'Oh, this explains why this is in the Companion,,' said Remus. 'This Harry is travelling to our time through the Pensieve… I must say, that's interesting.'

'I'm glad we get to read more about Harry. I want to know what my son is like,' James said.

**He was falling through cold blackness, spinning furiously as he went, and then - **

**He was standing in the Great Hall, but the four house tables were gone. Instead, there were more than a hundred of smaller tables, all facing the same way, at each of which sat a student, head bent low, scribbling on a roll of parchment. The only sound was the scratching of quills and the occasional rustle as somebody adjusted their parchment. It was clearly exam time. **

**Sunshine was streaming through the high windows on to the bent heads, which shone chestnut and copper and gold in the bright light. **

'I like how this is written,' said Peter. 'This has to be the best we've read yet.'

**Harry looked around carefully. Snape had to be here somewhere; this was _his_ memory.**

'But why would you want to look at Snivelly?' Sirius said.

'Sirius,' said Lily. 'Please stop those comments. I know you don't like him.'

**And there he was, at a table right behind Harry. Harry stared. Snape-the-teenager had a stringy, pallid look about him, like a plant kept in the dark. His hair was lank and greasy and was flopping onto the table, his hooked nose barely half an inch from the surface of the parchment as he scribbled. **

'A very apt description, if I may say so,' said James.

Lily couldn't argue there; Severus had never been much of a looker. 'I wonder how he knows older Severus?'

'I – now you say so, what on _earth _is my son doing in Snape's thoughts? Just – why would he want to be there?' James shivered.

**Harry moved around behind Snape and read the heading of the examination paper: DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS - ORDINARY WIZARDING LEVEL. **

Lily tensed, but none of the others noticed. She remembered the day of her Defence O.W.L. very clearly.

**So Snape had to be fifteen or sixteen, around Harry's own age. His hand was flying across the parchment; he had written at least a foot more than his closest neighbours, and yet his writing was minuscule and cramped. **

'And unreadable,' said Remus.

**'Five more minutes!' **

**The voice made Harry jump. Turning, he saw the top of Professor Flitwick's head moving between the desks a short distance away. Professor Flitwick was walking past a boy with untidy black hair… very untidy black hair…**

'And there I am,' James said.

'It's pathetic how the first thing people notice about you is your hair,' said Sirius. 'And that it's messy. Honestly, Prongs.'

**Harry moved so quickly that, had he been solid, he would have knocked desks flying. Instead he seemed to slide, dreamlike, across two aisles and up a third. The back of the black-haired boy's head drew nearer and… he was straightening up now, putting down his quill, pulling his roll of parchment towards him so as to reread what he had written…**

**Harry stopped in front of the desk and gazed down at his fifteen-year-old father. **

'I was sixteen during those tests,' James said. 'But other than that, I like this. I'm in it.'

'You've been in basically every story so far,' said Lily. 'There's no need to act surprised now.'

**Excitement exploded in the pit of his stomach: it was as though he was looking at himself but with deliberate mistakes. **

Sirius guffawed. '"Himself, but with deliberate mistakes" – Prongs, your own son just said you're abomination! Well done!'

'That's not what he meant,' said Peter. 'You know that.'

'Yeah, but it's more fun interpreting it like this. Have to say though, he's very excited about seeing you; I don't think I'd be that bothered if I saw my father as a fifteen-year-old.' Sirius thought for a second. 'On the other hand, I doubt my father has ever _been _fifteen, so it's moot anyway.'

**James's eyes were hazel, his nose was slightly longer than Harry's and there was no scar on his forehead, **

'It must suck to have a scar on your forehead,' James said, touching his own forehead. 'Everyone'd see that.'

**but they had the same thin face, same mouth, same eyebrows; James's hair stood up at the back exactly as Harry's did, **

'He inherits my hair!'

'I feel sorry for him already,' said Remus.

'Don't be,' said Lily. 'The hair – horrible as it is – is quite nice. I mean, it is now. I used to hate it, but… It looks good on him. And if Harry's exactly the same…' She shrugged.

'And let's face it, if he didn't have my hair, he'd be ginger,' said James.

'There's nothing wrong with gingers!'

'Of course not, Lil,' he said. 'Just not sure if it would look good with the Potter-genes.'

**his hands could have been Harry's and Harry could tell that, when James stood up, they would be within an inch of each other in height. **

**James yawned hugely and rumpled up his hair, making it even messier than it had been. Then, with a glance towards Professor Flitwick, he turned in his seat and grinned at a boy sitting four seats behind him. **

**With another chock of excitement, Harry saw Sirius give James the thumbs-up. **

'He's happy to see me, too,' said Sirius, looking happy. 'It's obvious I have a very deep connection with your son, Prongs.'

**Sirius was lounging in his chair at his ease, tilting it back on two legs. He was very good-looking; **

'Why does _every _fic have to tell us how good-looking Sirius is?' Lily groaned. 'We _know _already, okay? No need to tell us again and again and again!'

**his dark hair fell into his eyes with a sort of casual elegance neither James's nor Harry's could ever have achieved, **

'That's because my hair is infinitely superior to theirs,' said Sirius.

'Please. Lily just said my hair is nice – I win,' said James. 'That's the highest praise hair can receive.'

**and a girl sitting behind him was eyeing him hopefully, though he didn't seem to have noticed. **

'And we have Sirius the womanizer,' said Lily. 'It's like those are his two defining characteristics, when he's not shagging Remus.'

**And two seats along from this girl - Harry's stomach gave another pleasurable squirm - was Remus Lupin. **

'I'm starting to feel like your son has a crush on all of us,' said Remus. 'Isn't this how people usually describe being in love?'

**He looked rather pale and peaky (was the full moon approaching?) **

'It was,' said Remus. 'Thank _God _it waited until after exams.'

**and was absorbed in the exam: as he reread his answers, he scratched his chin with the end of his quill, frowning slightly. **

**So that meant Wormtail would have to be around here somewhere, too… and sure enough, Harry spotted him within seconds: a small, mousy-haired boy with a pointed nose. **

'My nose isn't pointy,' said Peter, grabbing his nose.

'It's a touchy subject,' James whispered to Lily. 'Ever since he's an Animagus, he thinks he's starting to look like a rat. Pointy noses are his biggest fear.'

'Apart from actually growing a tail,' said Sirius. 'Though I don't know why he's so afraid of that; having a tail is _awesome_.'

**Wormtail looked anxious; he was chewing his fingernails, staring down at his paper, scuffing the ground with his toes. Every now and then he glanced hopefully at his neighbour's paper. **

'Wormtail!' James said loudly, causing Peter to startle. 'Cheating during your exams! How dare you?'

'I was nervous, okay?'

Remus coughed. 'Hypocrite.'

**Harry stared at Wormtail for a moment, then back at James, who was now doodling on a bit of scrap parchment. He had drawn a Snitch and was now tracing the letters 'L.E.' What did they stand for? **

'He's not the brightest, is he?' Sirius asked dryly. 'What else could they stand for, if not for the initials of the world's most beautiful, amazing woman?'

'You always write my initials on your tests?' Lily asked James.

He shrugged. 'It was a phase, the same way Sirius had a time when he kept drawing penises on everything and everyone.'

**'Quills down please!' squeaked Professor Flitwick. 'That means you too, Stebbins! Please remain seated while I collect your parchment! _Accio!_' **

**Over a hundred rolls of parchment zoomed into the air and into Professor Flitwick's outstretched arms, knocking him backwards off his feet. **

'Oh, Filius,' Lily sighed, placing a hand over her heart. 'He's adorable, isn't he?'

**Several people laughed. A couple of students at the front desks got up, took hold of Professor Flitwick beneath the elbows and lifted him back onto his feet. **

**'Thank you… thank you,' panted Professor Flitwick. 'Very well, everybody, you're free to go!' **

'It was about time,' said Sirius. 'I'd finished that exam an hour sooner than the time – you can't believe how bored I was.'

'Oh, woe is you, Sirius,' said Peter. 'It must be horrible to finish exams before the time and then having wonderful grades. I feel so sorry for you.'

'You should. Boredom is horrible, Pete.'

**Harry looked down at his father, who had hastily crossed out the 'L.E.' he had been embellishing, jumped to his feet, stuffed his quill and the exam paper into his bag, which he slung over his back, and stood waiting for Sirius to join him. **

**Harry looked around and glimpsed Snape a short way away, moving between the tables towards the doors of the Entrance Hall, still absorbed in his own exam paper. **

'The unsociable arse,' said Sirius.

'Sirius,' Lily said. 'Please stop it.'

'Sorry, Evans.'

**Round-shouldered, yet angular, he walked in a twitchy manner, that recalled a spider, and his oily hair was jumping about his face. **

'I love this author,' said Sirius. 'She just _knows _how to write about Snivelly. That spider-description! It brings back memories of fifth year… Oh, how young and innocent we were…'

Lily snorted. 'Don't be ridiculous, Sirius.'

**A gang of chattering girls separated Snape from James, Sirius and Lupin, and by planting himself in their midst, Harry managed to keep Snape in sight while straining his ears to catch the voices of James and his friends. **

**'Did you like question ten, Moony?' asked Sirius, as they emerged into the Entrance Hall. **

**'Loved it,' said Lupin briskly. '_Give five signs that identify the werewolf_. Excellent question.' **

'Wow! Wait a second,' said Peter, who stared at the book. 'This – I remember this conversation! We had this after the O.W.L.s! This writer actually – I mean, that isn't just fanfiction, she actually _knows what we did!_'

'I don't remember this,' said James. 'But I guess… it could be, yeah…'

'That makes what follows only more interesting, doesn't it?' said Sirius. 'See how much she's got right.'

Lily didn't say anything, but her insides were twirling, and not in a pleasant manner. She just hoped the author was wrong about what followed; she didn't think she wanted to read about what happened after their exam, not if it went down the same way it had in reality.

**'D'you think you managed to get all the signs?' said James in tones of mock concern. **

**'Think I did,' said Lupin seriously, **

'Why am I Lupin? Prongs is James, Padfoot is Sirius, Wormy is just Wormy – and they call me Lupin? What's up with that?' said Remus. 'Why would James's son refer to me by my last name?'

'They've done it to me, too,' said Peter. 'You get used to it.'

**as they joined the crowd thronging around the front doors eager to get out into the sunlit grounds. 'One: he's sitting on my chair. Two: he's wearing my clothes. Three: his name's Remus Lupin.' **

**Wormtail was the only one who didn't laugh. **

'Boo, party-pooper,' said Sirius. 'I remember that joke, too.'

**'I got the snout shape, the pupils of the eyes and the tufted tail,' he said anxiously, 'but I couldn't think what else -' **

**'How thick are you, Wormtail?' said James impatiently. 'You run around with a werewolf once a month -' **

'Always so nice, aren't you, James?' Lily said.

'Oh come _on, _I had an excellent point there! How _could _Wormy not know?'

**'Keep your voice down,' implored Lupin. **

**Harry looked anxiously behind him again. Snape remained close by, still buried in his exam questions - but this was Snape's memory and Harry was sure that if Snape chose to wander of in a different direction once outside in the grounds, he, Harry, would not be able to follow James any further. **

'I get some serious stalking vibes,' said Sirius. 'Prongs, your son is scary. First diving into Snivelly's memory, now this…'

**To his intense relief, however, when James and his three friends strode off down the lawn towards the lake, Snape followed, still poring over the exam paper and apparently with no fixed idea of where he was going. **

'Hell,' Sirius said.

**By keeping a little ahead of him, Harry managed to maintain a close watch on James and the others. **

**'Well, I thought that paper was a piece of cake,' he heard Sirius say. 'I'll be surprised if I don't get "Outstanding" on it at least.' **

**'Me too,' said James. He put his hand in his pocket and took out a struggling Golden Snitch. **

'This is amazing. Managing to capture both your cockiness and that annoying playing with the Snitch,' said Lily. 'This author _really _knows her stuff…'

'After all that crap, we had to come across something decent,' said Remus. 'Even if it's a bit closer to reality than comfortable.'

**'Where'd you get that?' **

**'Nicked it,' James said casually. He started playing with the Snitch, allowing it to fly as much as a foot away before seizing it again; his reflexes were excellent. Wormtail watched him in awe. **

'Your most loyal fanboy,' said Sirius.

'I'm not a fanboy!' Peter said.

**They stopped in the shade of the very same beech tree on the edge of the lake where Harry, Ron and Hermione **

'My shag-partner!' Sirius said. 'I remember her!'

'So do I,' Peter said. 'She killed me, remember?'

'Oh, er, right. Forgot about that part.'

**had once spent a Sunday finishing their homework, and threw themselves down on the grass. Harry looked over his shoulder yet again and saw, to his delight, that Snape had settled himself on the grass in the dense shadow of a clump of bushes. He was as deeply immersed in the OWL paper as ever, which left Harry free to sit down on the grass between the beech and the bushes and watch the foursome under the tree. The sunlight was dazzling on the smooth surface of the lake, on the bank of which the group of laughing girls who had just left the Great Hall were sitting, with their shoes and socks off, cooling their feet in the water. **

'Good times, good times,' said James. 'When we were jung und schön und ohne Sorgen.'

'Your German pronunciation is horrible,' said Remus.

James shrugged. 'It was never my thing. My mum just loves that expression.'

**Lupin had pulled out a book and was reading. Sirius stared around at the students milling over the grass, looking rather haughty and bored, but very handsomely so. **

'Stop – with – Sirius's – looks!' Lily's hand twitched. 'This is so not good for his ego. This is just… gah!'

'What can I say? My looks are so important, they're mentioned at least as often as your love for James,' said Sirius. 'And seeing as at least _half _of those fanfictions has you two shagging, that's saying something about my beauty.'

**James was still playing with the Snitch, letting it zoom further and further away, almost escaping but always grabbed it at the last second. Wormtail was watching him with his mouth open. Every time James made a particularly difficult catch, Wormtail gasped and applauded. **

'What were you saying about not being a fanboy again, Wormtail?' Sirius said. 'I'm surprised we haven't come across a Prongs/Wormy fic yet, I can just _feel _the love…'

'Padfoot, don't,' said James. 'Don't give those writers any ideas.'

**After five minutes of this, Harry wondered why James didn't tell Wormtail to get a grip on himself, but James seemed to be enjoying the attention. **

'Attention whore,' Lily coughed.

'Hey! I've grown out of that. I'm very mature now,' said James.

'No, Prongs, you'll always be an attention whore,' said Lily. 'It's all right, we've accepted it. But it's still true. I – why are you looking at me like that?'

James was grinning like a madman. 'You just called me Prongs.'

'… Yes…?'

'You've never called me Prongs before.'

'James, stop being surprised by that!' Sirius hit him on his stomach, causing James to cringe. 'We've had all but Merlin coming back from the dead telling you you're going to marry Lily. We _know _you're going to have a son named Harry with her. Why are you still shocked every time Lily shows she wants to shag your brains out?'

'You're so eloquent,' Remus said, when both Lily and James turned a bright crimson. 'I think you should leave those… motivational speeches… for when Lily isn't around. Or maybe just for when no one is around.'

**Harry noticed that his father had a habit of rumpling up his hair as though to keep it from getting too tidy, **

'"As though"?' Lily said. 'No, that's exactly his intention. I'm glad Harry doesn't seem to be doing it, though.'

**and he also kept looking over at the girls by the water's edge. **

'Cough, cough, Lily Evans, cough, cough,' said Sirius.

'Everybody seems to be having a sore throat,' said James, glaring at Sirius. 'Maybe you should sod off for a while, Pads, and wait for it to get better?'

**'Put that away, will you,' said Sirius finally, as James made a fine catch and Wormtail let out a cheer, 'before Wormtail wets himself with excitement.' **

**Wormtail turned slightly pink, but James grinned. **

**'If it bothers you,' he said, stuffing the Snitch back in his pocket. **

**Harry had the distinct impression that Sirius was the only one for whom James would have stopped showing off. **

'Now _I'm _surprised there aren't more Padfoot/Prongs fics,' said Peter.

'I suggest that on that wonderful homosexual note, we stop for now,' said Lily, who closed the book. 'After all… it's snowing. It would be a waste to spend this wonderful day inside when we could be having a snowball fight, right?'

'I'm not sure if you want to be in a snowball fight with us, Evans,' Sirius said. 'Not to put you off or anything, but we don't exactly play fair.'

She raised one eyebrow. 'And what makes you think I do, Sirius?'

'Fine – if you want to take the risk…' Sirius shrugged. 'But don't think we'll go easy on you just because you're a girl.'

'I didn't expect that. So, are we going outside or not?'

* * *

**A/N: They had to stumble into canon sooner or later. Next chapter will be the rest of this HP-chapter. Also, I'm thinking of introducing an OC, so Lily isn't the only girl reading this; what do you think about that? And as always, badfic-ideas are more than welcome!**


	14. Snape's Worst Memory II

**A/N: This one isn't particularly funny, but it had to be written. Next one will be funny again, I promise.**

* * *

Hours later they came back to the Common Room. James was hardly recognizable from the snow beard and eyebrows Sirius had charmed onto his face, and Remus, Peter and Lily were all shaking the snow out of their robes.

'I suggest we put on dry clothing and then read the last of the chapter,' said Peter, who was shaking his head like a dog, so everyone in a five-foot-radius was splattered with half-molten snow. 'I mean, I know what's going to happen, because it actually did, but I still want to read it.'

'Yeah,' Lily said without much enthusiasm. 'I'll just… go and change, okay?'

The Marauders stared after her in confusion, until Remus smacked his forehead.

'Oh, shit, of course,' he said. 'D'you guys remember what happened after our O.W.L.s? You started hexing Snape and then Lily came and he called her a Mudblood…' As he spoke, realization dawned on the faces of James, Sirius and Peter.

'Oh, shit,' said James. 'Maybe we shouldn't… Should we just skip the rest of this chapter?'

'No. It's fanfiction; maybe it turns out to go very differently and you and Lily end up having sex in the grass,' said Sirius. 'And if Lily really doesn't want it, she can always go away. It's just a story; nobody's forcing her to read it.'

'Fine. But if she wants to stop, we'll stop,' said James.

They went to their dormitory and changed; a couple of minutes later Lily entered. She took her now-familiar spot on James's bed and said, 'I don't want to be the one to read the rest – Remus, will you…?'

'Sure.' He cleared his throat.

**'I'm bored,' said Sirius. 'Wish it was full moon.' **

'You sound like that fifth Marauder-chick,' said Peter.

'No, she wants to sound like me. I'm the original,' said Sirius.

**'You might,' said Lupin darkly from behind his book. 'We've still got Transfiguration, if you're bored you could test me. Here…' and he held out his book. **

'Please. I never understand why Remus thinks that's a good way to spend time,' said Sirius, looking at James.

'Hey, don't look at me – I don't know, either!'

**But Sirius snorted. 'I don't need to look at that rubbish, I know it all.' **

'Yes, you're so in-character,' Lily said. 'This author is good.'

**'This'll liven you up, Padfoot,' said James quietly. 'Look who it is…' **

Remus choked and the Marauders looked around nervously; they all knew what was coming. James shuffled away from Lily, just to be on the safe side.

**Sirius's head turned. He became very still, like a dog that has scented a rabbit. **

**'Excellent,' he said softly. '_Snivellus_.' **

'Lily, do you want us to do a different story?' Remus said, noticing Lily's discomfort.

'No, that's fine. I mean, I was there. I know what's going to happen. I got over it, really,' she said. 'I want to know how they described this. I mean… it's interesting that from all the memories Harry could've seen, he sees this one…'

Remus wondered if this was the moment to point out that the chapter had a name – 'Snape's worst memory'. He decided against it.

**Harry turned to see what Sirius was looking at. **

**Snape was on his feet again, and was stowing the OWL paper in his bag. As he left the shadows of the bushes and set off across the grass, Sirius and James stood up. **

**Lupin and Wormtail remained sitting: Lupin was still staring down at his book, though his eyes were not moving and a faint frown line had appeared between his eyebrows; Wormtail was looking from Sirius and James to Snape with a look of avid anticipation on his face. **

'This doesn't really paint us in a good light, does it?' James muttered.

'You did it, you can be ashamed of it,' said Lily.

**'All right, Snivellus?' said James loudly. **

**Snape reacted so fast it was as though he had been expecting an attack: dropping his bag, he plunged his hand inside his robes and his wand was halfway into the air when James shouted, '_Expelliarmus!_' **

'Now, Lily, in all fairness, he would've cursed me if I hadn't - '

'If you hadn't called to him first. Just… continue reading, Remus.'

**Snape's wand flew twelve feet into the air and fell with a little thud in the grass behind him. Sirius let out a bark of laughter. **

**'_Impedimenta!_' he said, pointing his wand at Snape, who was knocked off his feet halfway through a dive towards his own fallen wand. **

The atmosphere in the dormitory grew more awkward with every word. None of them remembered this with pride; Sirius and James, confronted with their behaviour, could only think that at least they had changed, while Remus chastised himself for not interfering and Peter felt sorry for Severus. Lily was the only one who wasn't bothered by the bullying per se; it was what was coming up that she was nervous about.

**Students all around had turned to watch. Some of them had got to their feet and were edging nearer. Some looked apprehensive, others entertained. **

**Snape lay panting on the ground. James and Sirius advanced on him, wands raised, James glancing over his shoulder at the girls at the water's edge as he went. Wormtail was on his feet now, watching hungrily, edging around Lupin to get a clearer view. **

'I – I didn't notice that,' James said, trying to diffuse the discomfort. 'That Pete watched, I mean.'

'Everyone was watching, Prongs,' said Sirius.

**'How'd the exam go, Snivelly?' said James. **

**'I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment,' said Sirius viciously. 'There'll be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word.' **

Lily wrapped her arms around her legs, wondering if maybe she shouldn't just leave. _Why are you making yourself go through this? _she scolded herself. _You know what's going to happen. There is no need to open old wounds. The Marauders have changed since then. It's old news. Stop reading._

'I need to go to the loo,' she said. 'Don't stop for me, I'll be right back.' She jumped off the bed and went to the boys' bathroom.

**Several people watching laughed; Snape was clearly unpopular. **

**Wormtail sniggered shrilly. Snape was trying to get up, but the jinx was still operating on him; he was struggling, as though bound by invisible ropes. **

**'You - wait,' he panted, staring up at James with an expression of purest loathing, 'you - wait!' **

**'Wait for what?' said Sirius coolly. 'What're you going to do, Snivelly, wipe your nose on us?' **

**Snape let out a scream of mixed swear words and hexes, but with his wand ten feet away nothing happened. **

**'Wash out your mouth,' said James coldly. '_Scourgify!_' **

It was the most fascinating thing. None of the boys wanted to read this – it was too confronting. At the same time, they couldn't stop reading; out of bile fascination they wanted to know how this ended. As the only one who'd portrayed them accurately, this author hadn't glossed over their faults. They wished she had.

**Pink soap bubbles streamed from Snape's mouth at once; the froth was covering his lips, making him gag, choking him - **

**'Leave him ALONE!' **

The moment Lily entered the story was the same one that the real Lily chose to get out of the bathroom. Her face was wet – James surmised she had splashed some water in her face. Silently she took her place next to James and listened to the rest of the story.

**James and Sirius looked round. James's free hand immediately jumped to his hair.**

At this, the corners of Sirius's mouth twitched.

**It was one of the girls from the lake edge. She had thick, dark red hair that fell to her shoulders, and startlingly green almond-shaped eyes - Harry's eyes. **

**Harry's mother. **

'Well, er… see? Prongs is going to have a baby with you, Evans,' said Sirius. 'This author says so, and seeing as she got everything else right…'

'I thought we wouldn't act surprised over that anymore?' Lily said.

'Oh, right. Just thought… You know. He has your eyes – that's good. Your eyes are way better than Prongs's and stuff. Right.'

**'All right, Evans?' said James, and the tone of his voice was suddenly pleasant, deeper, more mature. **

**'Leave him alone,' Lily repeated. She was looking at James with every sign of great dislike. **

'At least that has changed, right?' James said.

'Only because you have. If you still behaved like this…' She shrugged. 'Let's just say I wouldn't be sitting here right now.'

**'What's he done to you?' **

**'Well,' said James, appearing to deliberate the point, 'it's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean…' **

**Many of the surrounding students laughed, Sirius and Wormtail included, but Lupin, still apparently intent on his book, didn't, and nor did Lily. **

**'You think you're funny,' she said coldly. 'But you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. **

With every word of that insult, James flinched.

**Leave him _alone_.' **

**'I will if you go out with me, Evans,' said James quickly. **

'Thank God you've stopped that tactic,' Lily said. 'And you were surprised why I always rejected you.'

'I was young and stupid,' said James. 'I didn't know what to do with girls!'

**'Go on… go out with me and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again.' **

**Behind him, the Impediment Jinx was wearing off. Snape was beginning to inch towards his fallen wand, spitting out soapsuds as he crawled. **

**'I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid,' said Lily. **

'Then again, the Giant Squid is very handsome,' said Peter, making the others laugh nervously. 'Who wouldn't choose him over Prongs?'

'Yeah, you could have… tentacle sex and everything,' said Sirius.

'What?' Lily actually forgot her distress for a moment, staring at Sirius. 'Tentacle sex?'

'Apparently it's big in Japan. I… let's just not go deeper into that, shall we?'

**'Bad luck, Prongs,' said Sirius briskly, and turned back to Snape. 'OI!' **

**But too late; Snape had directed his wand straight at James; there was a flash of light and a gash appeared on the side of James's face, spattering his robes with blood. James whirled about: a second flash of light later, Snape was hanging upside-down in the air, his robes falling over his head to reveal skinny, pallid legs and a pair of greying underpants. **

**Many people in the small crowd cheered; Sirius, James and Wormtail roared with laughter. **

**Lily, whose furious expression had twitched for an instant as though she was going to smile, said, 'Let him down!' **

'Shouldn't we stop?' Peter said.

'I want to finish this,' said Remus. 'Call me crazy, but…'

'Inside, we're all masochists,' said Sirius. 'Merlin, this is worse than reading about me shagging Remus. And that's saying something.'

**'Certainly,' said James and he jerked his wand upwards; Snape fell into a crumpled heap on the ground. Disentangling himself from his robes he got quickly to his feet, wand up, but Sirius said, '_Petrificus Totalus!_' and Snape kneeled over again, rigid as a board. **

**'LEAVE HIM ALONE!' Lily shouted. She had her own wand out now. James and Sirius eyed it warily. **

**'Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you,' said James earnestly. **

'As if you could,' said Lily. 'I could easily take you in a duel, be it with snowballs or wands.'

**'Take the curse off him, then!' **

**James sighed deeply, then turned to Snape and muttered the counter-curse. **

**'There you go,' he said, as Snape struggled to his feet. 'You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus -' **

'Oh, shit. Here it comes.' Lily had gone a bit pale around her nose.

'I say we stop,' said James, looking at her in concern. 'This is just -'

**'I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!' **

Lily let out a deep breath. Even though it was almost two years ago, those words still haunted her and reading them, after the rest of the event had been so perfectly described… it hurt.

'He was just being stupid, Lil,' said James, who placed his hand on her shoulder.

'Just continue, Remus,' she said. 'Get it over with.'

**Lily blinked. **

**'Fine,' she said coolly. 'I won't bother in the future. And I'd wash your pants if I were you, _Snivellus_.' **

**'Apologise to Evans!' James roared at Snape, his wand pointed threateningly at him. **

**'I don't want _you_ to make him apologise,' Lily shouted, rounding on James. 'You're as bad as he is!' **

**'What?' yelped James. 'I'd NEVER call you a - you-know-what!' **

Here Lily smiled, just a little bit. 'A "you know what",' she said. 'That was very politically correct of you, James.'

'Yeah, well, I behaved like an arse during the rest of that, so I had something to make up for, didn't I?'

**'Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can - I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK.' **

Now it was James whose face darkened. He remembered that speech very clearly; it had been his main motivation to change when sixth year started.

**She turned on her heel and hurried away. **

**'Evans!' James shouted after her. 'Hey, EVANS!' **

**But she didn't look back. **

**'What is it with her?' said James, trying and failing to look as though this was a throwaway question of no real importance to him. **

'While in reality this was of course the reason his universe fell apart,' said Sirius. 'Right, Prongs?'

James was toying with his robes, not looking at anyone. 'Hmmhmm.'

**'Reading between the lines, I'd say she thinks you're a bit conceited, mate,' said Sirius. **

'Sirius, the oracle on all matters female.' Remus shook his head. 'She thought you were more than a "bit conceited".'

'Well, I could hardly tell him, "Oi, Prongs, she thinks you're a complete wanker", could I now?' Sirius shook his head. 'Have you never heard of something called "tact", Remus?'

'Let's take a moment of silence for the hypocrisy that has just been expressed,' said Peter.

**'Right,' said James, who looked furious now, 'right -' **

**There was another flash of light, and Snape was once again hanging upside-down in the air. **

'Is that what you did after I left?'

'I'm not proud of that,' James said quickly. 'If I could do it again, I wouldn't. Really.'

**'Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?' **

'And I didn't actually do that.'

**But whether James really did take off Snape's pants, Harry never found out. A hand had closed tight over his upper arm, closed with a pincer-like grip. **

'Wait, I thought that when you were in a Pensieve, people didn't notice you and couldn't touch you?' Lily said. It was easier to focus on intellectual matters than emotional ones right now.

'It must be someone in the real world, at least Harry's real world, pulling him back,' said Remus.

**Wincing, Harry looked round to see who had hold of him, and saw, with a thrill of horror, a fully grown, adult-sized Snape standing right beside him, white with rage. **

'Oh, shit,' said Peter. 'That can't be good.'

**'Having fun?' **

**Harry felt himself rising into the air; the summer's day evaporated around him; he was floating upwards through icy blackness, Snape's hand still tight upon his upper arm. Then, with a swooping feeling as though he had turned head-over-heels in midair, his feet hit the stone floor of Snape's dungeon and he was standing again beside the Pensieve on Snape's desk in the shadowy, present-day Potion master's study. **

'And… that's the end,' said Remus.

'Thank Merlin, Morgan and all the other important dead people,' Sirius said. 'What about we do something very silly now? One where… where… we do something stupid?'

'Yeah. I think I'm going to sit that one out,' said Lily. 'I, er… I'll see you lot later.' She got off the bed and went downstairs, but before she'd reached the Common Room, she felt a hand on her arm. Turning around, she saw James had followed her.

'Lily, could we have a talk?' he asked.

'I… yeah, sure. Here on the stairs, or…?'

'They're as good as anywhere.' He put his hands in the pockets of his robes and shifted his weight from one foot to another. Every cell in his being oozed nervousness. 'Lily, I want to apologise. Not just for that scene, but for all the bullying I've done. I shouldn't have done that and if I could, I'd change it, I really would, but I can't. And now I have changed and... ' He ran a hand through his hair, looking at the stone wall rather than Lily's face. 'I'm really, really sorry.'

Without saying anything, Lily sat down on the steps. 'I know you've changed,' she said, after a long silence. 'And so have I and Severus. It's just… reading about that… It wasn't pleasant. I hated how you treated Sev.'

'I know. And I regret that.' James sat down next to her.

She rested her head on his shoulder.

He glanced around, wondering what was the right course of action, before he wrapped an arm around her. 'I'm ashamed of how I behaved that day,' he said. 'And I'm really sorry, but there's nothing I can change about that now.'

'I know. What's past is past. And like you said, you've changed. I… If I'm very honest, I held this against you for a very long time. I kept thinking you were the reason Sev and I weren't friends anymore, but that's not true. It was just easier to blame you, I guess. And that's what I'm sorry for. Even when I knew you didn't act that way anymore, I kept treating you as if you did.'

'Well, even if you did, I think we can safely say I behaved the stupidest, out of the two of us, at least.'

'That's true. You _are _the stupidest.'

They both laughed. The sound echoed through the stone staircase.

'So, er… am I forgiven?' he asked.

She nodded. 'Yeah. Sorry it's so late, but you are forgiven.' She pecked him on the cheek. 'I'm going to my dormitory. I'm glad we had this talk.'

As she went to her own dormitory, it felt as if a huge burden had fallen off her shoulders. Now that she had forgiven James – while before she hadn't even noticed she'd still been holding a grudge against him – she realized there were some feeling that were more than just relief. Feelings that were completely different now that she didn't resent James anymore.

Feelings that would one day lead to the birth of baby Harry.


	15. Miss Lupin

'What a troubled expression you have, Miss Evans,' said Sirius, who sat down next to Lily and put an arm around her. 'What is on your mind?'

She didn't avert her eyes from the book she was reading – the _Companion_. 'I have just read the strangest, most disturbing story in the entire history of everything,' she said, as James went to sit by her other side. 'This wasn't just bad anymore, this was just – it was - '

'It was worse than me being pregnant?' James said.

She nodded. 'In chapter two, Madam Hooch bit of someone's nipple.'

The two boys just stared at each other after that comment.

'That… sounds interesting,' Sirius finally said.

'Interesting is right. It was so bad, but I – I couldn't stop. I kept wondering how much worse everything would become.' Lily shook her head and closed the book, hoping she would never have to look at that story again. 'And… it said something about Animagi. I'm sure it was made-up, but with all the other things I wouldn't have believed – such as you being Animagi and that Marauder's Map – I mean, it might be true…'

'You know you can ask us anything,' Sirius said.

'Okay. I – I just read it. I know it's rubbish, but - '

'Just spill it, Lil,' said James. 'Whatever it is, I'm sure we've heard weirder by now.'

'It said that a sign of being an Animagus is that you can… Merlin, this is embarrassing. Forget I ever said anything.'

Of course, she should have known that this wouldn't work with the Marauders, and after five minutes of pleading, threatening, tickling and flattering, Lily uttered the words. 'It said you could control the growth of your pubic hair.'

'I – I -' James blinked and shook his head, trying to find a suitable reaction to that statement. 'I think that isn't true. I don't think I can… Can you?' He looked at Sirius.

'Even if I could, I wouldn't. Lily, what kind of stories do you _read_? How come everything you find in this thing is so disturbing? Controlling your pubic hair – ugh! We change into animals; that has nothing to do with our hair.'

'I thought so,' she said. 'I was _very_ confused when I read that.'

'As you should be.'

'Shall we read something… not-pubic-hair-related?' James said, taking the _Companion _from Lily's lap. He noticed some other students staring at them, and added, 'And shall we not do it here, before Lily and I lose all respect we have as Head Boy and Girl?'

'That, Prongs, sounds like a great idea,' said Sirius. He then gave James a meaningful look and said, 'Why don't you and Lily go upstairs already, while I go and get Moony and Wormy.'

'I can't be the only one who thinks that sounded like we were going to be in a fivesome,' said Lily as she and James went up the stairs.

'I think it's the fanfiction going to your head, Lily,' said James. 'Whatever those stories might be telling you, our dormitory isn't _the _place to be for gay sex. Or any sex, now I think about it.'

'That's not what Sirius would have me believe.'

'Luckily you're wise enough to know most of what Sirius says is crap.'

They were silent until Lily was sitting on James's bed again. Just as he was about to join her, she said, 'James? Would you do something for me?'

'Sure.'

Lily ignored the way her stomach was dancing and turning under James's gaze. 'I was just wondering… I'd love to see your Animagus form. If you don't mind. I don't really know the Animagus-etiquette.'

He laughed. 'I don't think there _is _Animagus etiquette. But all right, here I go.' He took a couple of steps away from her. Lily's heartbeat sped up as James disappeared and a stag came in his place.

She got up from the bed and gingerly touched James's antlers.

'Wow,' she whispered. 'Prongs.'

The stag's large brown eyes looked up at the sound of footsteps climbing the stairwell, and before Lily knew it, the stag turned back into James. Lily suddenly found her hand in his hair and retrieved it, feeling the blood rise to her cheeks.

'That was… impressive,' she said.

'Thank you.' He smirked and then the door opened and Sirius, Peter and Remus came in.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' said Sirius. 'We're not interrupting anything, are we?'

'Not at all,' James said, sitting on his bed and looking like nothing had happened.

_And maybe nothing has_, Lily thought. _You just touched his antlers. No big deal. _

'I came across a story yesterday,' Peter said, reading through the index page, his finger sliding down the list of stories. 'It sounded good; oh, here it is, page 683. It's called "Miss Lupin."'

'Bring it to me,' said Sirius.

**Remus Lupin wished he could die.**

'Oh, yes, this does sound like fun,' Remus said. 'Great choice, Pete.'

'Shush. It gets better, believe me,' said Peter.

**Death was preferable to what he was going through now. The embarrassment, the humiliation, the feeling that he had lost himself to – to the _thing _he was now. **

'Is this about my transformation? Because if it is, I don't want to - '

'Remus! Just give this a chance, okay?'

'Yeah, Moony. You shouldn't always think the worst of stories,' said Sirius.

**He wasn't Remus John Lupin anymore. If he was anything, he had to be – he had to be –**

'Batman!' Lily cried.

'**You know, Moony, you look pretty hot,' said James, **

'No!' This was James, who looked shocked. 'No, I don't want to read something where I'm gay with Remus! Do something else – anything else!'

'You're not gay, Prongs,' Peter said, a wicked smile on his face. 'Just bear with me for a while.'

**eyeing his friend with unconcealed lust in his eyes. **

'… I do _that_ and you're saying I'm not gay? Peter, do you know what being gay _means_? It means being attracted to people of your own sex! I'm a man! Remus is a man! That would make this gay!'

'**This look works for you.'**

'**James, if you value my sanity, you shut up _right now_,' Remus said, **

'Cue James to start blabbering about everything,' said Sirius. 'When has he ever valued anyone's sanity?'

**staring at his reflection in the mirror. Slowly, wishing he would just stop torturing himself, Remus raised his hands and cupped his breasts. **

'… say what?' Remus blurted out.

'You cup your breasts,' said Peter. 'Yes, you heard that correctly.'

'I… I might just be saying something that is very obvious, but _I _was always under the impression that Remus didn't have any breasts,' said Lily. 'Now, I know you've kept much more from me, but…'

'Don't worry, Lily, I didn't know I had breasts, either,' said Remus.

'You'd think being a Marauder makes you a biological anomaly,' said Sirius. 'First Prongs gets pregnant, now Moony has tits… What's next, I'm on my period?'

'**I think I'm going to be sick.'**

'**Oh, don't,' Peter said. 'It's not sexy when girls vomit.'**

'Oh, Moony is just a complete girl, then. No, that makes sense.'

'Where – where do fanfiction writers get this idea?' Remus whispered. '_What _does that sentence have to do with me?'

**Remus flinched. He looked at the reflection of his eyes, blue, like limpid tears, **

'HEY!'

Everybody jumped at Sirius's outcry.

'What?' James said.

'When did Remus get eyes like limpid tears? _I _always have those eyes! They have nothing to do with Remus!'

'He really needs to get his priorities sorted out,' Lily said to James. 'I thought he hated those eyes?'

'I do, Evans. But that doesn't mean Moony can just _steal _them.'

**in the mirror; they were the only things that hadn't changed about him. For the rest? Remus had turned into a babe.**

'… No. Why? Why me?'

**Yes, he was sexy. **

'WHY ME?'

'Your irresistible charm,' said Lily.

'Your tits,' said Sirius. 'Now that you have them, apparently.'

**But he didn't want to be sexy – not like this. Not with breasts, long, shiny brown hair, a clear skin and an ass he would tap, if it weren't his own. **

'This is wrong on so many levels,' Remus said.

'Imagine tapping his arse,' said James.

'Wouldn't be too bad.' Lily shrugged. 'It's not as nice as yours, obviously, but…'

'**Peter, don't. Don't make this any worse.'**

'Worse? How could things be worse when I'm – a – girl?'

'You could be pregnant.'

'With Severus's child, don't forget that, Prongs,' said Sirius.

'**Maybe we should ask Lily if you could borrow one of her bras,' James said, grinning. 'You can hardly go walking around like _this_.'**

**Remus's eyes widened. 'I'm not going to walk arou – I can never leave this dormitory! People can't see me like this!' He grabbed his hair with both his hands, but it didn't calm him; if anything, the way it felt only reminded him of what had happened. 'Prongs, I'm a _girl_!'**

'**But a sexy one,' said James. **

'Talk about having priorities sorted out,' said Lily.

'**It's that I love Lily, otherwise…'**

'Wow. That really _is _the most consistent thing in this entire bloody fanfiction universe,' said Sirius, amazed. 'Is there even one story where James doesn't love Lily? Just one? When people even change our sex and kill our awesomeness – even then Prongs fancies Lily! What _is _this?'

**All blood was drained from Remus's face. 'I'm – I'm going to pretend you never said that. I… I need to take a shower. See what the damage is.' He looked down at his body, covered in robes. It looked nice for a girl's body, but it wasn't as if he had a lot of reference material. **

'**Could I come, too?' Peter said.**

'Is it gay when Remus is technically a girl?' Peter said.

'Yes. Yes, it is,' said Remus. 'Don't ever dare think about this, Peter. Don't.'

**Remus shivered. 'No. No, I don't want either of you in there with me.'**

'**But Remus! You're so sexy!'**

'Gah! I don't want you lot thinking I'm sexy!'

'We don't,' said Sirius.

'**I'm off.' Remus grabbed a towel and dashed for the bathroom. **

Peter cleared his throat; his cheeks had become a bit pink. 'Er… the next part is basically Remus touching himself. Do we want to read this?'

'No,' said Lily. 'No, I can read a lot of crap, but I don't need to know… no.'

'Right. I'll just skip that part.'

**Sirius was lying on his bed, reading through a magazine on motorcycles, when the door to the bathroom opened and in came a beautiful young woman wearing nothing but a too-small, red towel. **

'I hate knowing that's Remus,' said Sirius. 'It would be great if it were just – just some girl.'

'Like Lily,' said James.

She smacked him. 'Keep your thoughts to yourself, please.'

**Needless to say, Sirius's attention was no longer with the motorcycles.**

'**Why, hello,' he said, taking in the girl's long legs. **

'No! Why is Padfoot always flirting with me? Why?'

Sirius shrugged. 'Because the universe is a cruel, cruel place. Whatever these stories might tell you, Moony: you're not my type.'

**The girl jumped and swivelled around, pressing the towel closer to her admirable chest. 'Oh, Pads. It's just you,' she said. She went to Remus's bed and took the towel off; Sirius's eyes bugged out of his head as he took in every inch of her body.**

'I do have to say, all in all, this bothers me less than when Sirius and I are _really _gay,' said Remus. 'At least when I'm described as a girl, I can pretend it isn't me. Although I still don't like the idea of Sirius staring at me like that.'

'**I – er – who are you?' he said, placing the magazine on a strategic place. **

'A… strategic place?' Lily said, confused. 'As in, in front of his eyes so he doesn't have to ogle her, or what?'

'No, she mea – yeah. Yeah, in front of his eyes,' said James, pretending not to notice Sirius's broad grin.

'**Remus,' the girl said, as she pulled on a pair of Remus's boxers. 'Wh – oh. No. No no no.' She grabbed the towel again and used it to shield her – _his?_ Sirius wondered – body. 'Sirius, you stop looking at me like that _right now_.'**

'Oh. _That _is the strategic place,' said Lily, whose face had turned the colour of her hair. 'Sorry. I feel really stupid right now.'

'Lily, your innocence is endearing,' said Sirius.

'**Sorry,' Sirius said, averting his eyes. 'You're just very sexy.'**

'**I know.' **

Sirius let out his barking laugh. 'Modest, aren't you, Moony?'

**The girl – could it be Remus? – sighed. **

'Oh, how horrible your life is, being a beautiful girl,' said Peter, who placed the back of his hand against his forehead and pretended to swoon. 'How do you survive, Remus?'

'Want me to turn _you_ into a girl?' Remus said, fingering his wand.

Peter blanched. 'Never mind.'

'**If I don't find a cure soon, I think I'm going to have some trouble with that sexiness.'**

**Never had he thought those words would become so true.**

'Is that it?' Remus asked, hopeful.

'No, there's an author's note.'

**A/N: I was just thinking, you know, that Remus would be **_**wonderful**_**as a girl, **

'What? Why?'

**so I thought I'd try and write this! Who should (s)he end up with, at least until Tonks comes along? xxx LupinLoveForever**

'Who is Tonks?' Remus said, looking worried. '_Who is Tonks?_'

'The husband of my cousin Andromeda,' said Sirius. 'Ted Tonks.'

'Why – why would – oh no.' Remus groaned. 'Please tell me people don't think I'm in a relationship with that Ted.'

'You'd better not be,' said Sirius. 'They've a child. How awful would it be to have your parents divorce because your father wants a much younger, male lover? Yugh. Never thought you were a home wrecker, Remus.'

'Never thought I'd be a girl, either. I keep surprising myself,' said Remus.

'Well, that was interesting,' said James. 'Is there another chapter? I want to see how Remus is too sexy for Hogwarts.'

Peter turned the page. 'No, it's blank.'

'Shame.'

'We could always do another story?' said Lily. 'Something sweet? And normal?'

'Sweet and normal? Lily, have you been paying attention? When has any story in here been sweet and normal?' Sirius shook his head and grabbed the _Companion_. 'But another story it is! Brace yourselves – this is going to be good.'


	16. The two husbands of Lily Evans I

'This one sounds… _very _interesting. It's listed under romance and adventure and it's called _The two husbands of Lily Evans._' Sirius looked from James to Lily and back again. 'Now, I can't be the only one curious as to what that's about?'

'You're not,' said Lily. 'Since when am I a bigamist? I thought people had agreed that I was going to marry James. Or at least have his babies.'

'There's only one way to find out,' said Sirius. 'Here I go!'

_**This is a public announcement made by the Ministry for Magic. As of the first of September, 1978 AD there will be a new marriage law. **_

'A Marriage law?' Peter said, confused. 'Do we have marriage laws?'

'No, not really. I mean, I thought it was illegal to marry goats, but maybe they've changed that after the incident with Aberforth…' Sirius shrugged. 'Maybe it's a law telling everyone who they should marry!'

'Don't be ridiculous,' said Remus. 'Wizards are weird, but they'd never do something like that. It's the vilest thing you've said so far, Padfoot.'

**_Due to the diminishing numbers of Wizards and Witches, the Ministry feels like this will be necessary to uphold the Wizarding World. Each unmarried Witch or Wizard over seventeen years old will receive an owl with the news of their new life partner. There will be no switching. Procreation is mandatory for _all _couples. _**

'I – I stand corrected,' said Remus. 'Is that really in there? A rule where the _Ministry _chooses who people will marry?'

'That's sick,' said Sirius.

'I've seen it pop up a couple of times,' said Peter, frowning while he thought. 'They were mostly to couple Lily to Lucius Malfoy or You-Know-Who or James.'

'To Voldemort, Lucius Malfoy _or _me? That – am I the only one who thinks there's a _very _big difference between those three?' James looked disgusted, his lip curled up in distaste.

'It's also the most unromantic way of getting together, ever,' said Lily. 'Wouldn't it just be some sort of Stockholm Syndrome kicking in after a while?' She paused and then her eyes widened. 'Oh, yugh! A law for marriage and procreation – people write stories where I have sex with Voldemort?'

Peter shrugged. 'They usually write that he's very handsome, Although they _always _mention he doesn't have a nose. Does You-Know-Who not have a nose?'

'I wouldn't know why not,' said Sirius. 'Unless someone truly awesome cursed it off one day. Let's hope that happened.'

_**On your shoulders rest the future of the Wizarding World.**_

_**The Ministry for Magic.**_

**Lily reread the article that had been in the _Daily Prophet_. It had appeared a week ago and it was now September first. As she had only just come out of Hogwarts, she didn't have a husband yet. **

'And rightfully so! Why would I want to get married straight out of Hogwarts?'

'Now that we're interrupting this anyway – I suggest we make bets on who the two husbands are,' said Sirius. 'I'm pretty sure one is Prongs and the other one is Remus.'

'Why me?' Remus said. 'If this really is a reproduction programme, I wouldn't be given a wife, not with my condition. They don't want me breeding.'

'Then I think Lily _has _to marry Prongs, but loves you,' said Sirius. 'Just trust me – I have a feeling on this.'

'I also say James is one husband. The other one is You-Know-Who,' said Peter. 'Past experience has taught me that.'

'I think… James and… and… Sirius,' said Remus.

'Why _me_?' Sirius said, sounding genuinely surprised.

'Because it would have great dramatic tension if she's married to you, but loves James, and you love James as a friend, but you have to have sex with Lily… It's what I would do, I think. If I were ever inclined to write something like this, which I'm not.'

'Right. Prongs – who do you think?'

'I… I'll just agree with you and say I'm one husband and the other one… ' He thought for a couple of seconds. 'The other one some Death Eater.'

'Can you name a specific one?' said Sirius. 'Extra money if you can do that.'

James shook his head. 'Nah, just some very creepy guy.'

Now it was Lily's turn. She sighed. 'I guess James is one of my husbands, seeing as it's no good denying a hundred Lily/James fanfictions, and the other one must be… Who would I like as my second husband? What would I do as a writer? I agree with Peter; I think it's Voldemort,' she said.

'Yeah, but you also thought that for _Lily Evans: Demon Huntress_,' said Sirius. 'And that turned out to be me.'

She shrugged. 'I don't think I'd marry you in this fic. I stick with Voldemort.'

**She didn't like the law, but she understood it; **

'I don't,' said Lily.

**there was a massive shortage of Wizards. **

'So? This is barbaric!'

'I do wonder who the rest of us ends up with,' said Sirius. 'I mean, only two of us could get Lily in this thing. That still leaves two Marauders.'

'You could marry one another,' said Lily. 'After all, fanfiction has told us that that doesn't have to stop you from making babies, right?'

'Ah, but Lily, then _James _would have to remain single, and he's the only one we _know _won't end with someone other than you,' said Remus.

'We don't _know _that, we all just think it.'

Sirius raised his eyebrows. 'No, Lily, at this point, we know it. How else is Harry supposed to be made?'

**She only hoped she would be paired with someone halfway acceptable; **

'Like Prongs,' said Peter.

'You know, I wouldn't like being paired with Lily in something like this,' said James. 'It sounds like a horrible base for a marriage. Even if she started liking me, I'd constantly wonder if it wasn't just because she _had _to, rather than because of who I am.'

'That's very deep and romantic of you,' said Sirius. 'Tell Lily, I'm sure she'll appreciate it.'

**someone who she could talk to; someone who understood the importance of personal hygiene. **

Lily smiled. 'That _is _important,' she said.

'That rules Snivelly out, then,' Sirius whispered to James.

**She gasped when an owl came soaring in through the window, carrying two letters.**

**_One for me, one for Alice_, she thought, **

'Alice?' Lily said, confused.

'Maybe Alice Prewe – Wait, it's Longbottom now, I think,' said James. 'I was at their wedding this summer. It's the only magical Alice I know.'

**as she took the letters from the owl. **

'**Alice!' she called. 'Alice, the letters – they're here!'**

'**Oh, no!' Alice Prewett came running in, **

'Definitely that Alice, then,' said James.

'I hope I end with her,' said Sirius. 'She doesn't sound half-bad.'

'She's a married woman now, Padfoot.'

'Not in that fic, she isn't.'

**her long, blond hair still wet from the shower. 'I do hope I get someone nice!'**

'**Time to find out, eh?' Lily tossed her the letter with '_Alice Prewett_' written on it in green ink, while she opened the one that had her name on it. She scanned across the page – a lot of it was an introduction to what the marriage would entail, how many children she would have to have, that kind of thing. **

Lily stared, agape. 'That has to be – "How many children she would have to have"? Who writes something like that? It's the most sexist since – since - '

'Didn't Emperor Augustus do something like this?' said Remus.

'That doesn't make it any better. It doesn't. Just read that! It sounds like we women are nothing but breeding stock – it's the most insulting thing I've ever read in my life!'

**Then there, in the middle, was the name of the man she was going to marry.**

'Prongs!'

'**No,' she whispered. 'No!'**

'Who is it?' James said.

'Well, she seems unhappy about it, which we can interpret in several ways,' said Sirius. 'One: this is one of those stories where she hates you in the beginning, but then starts to like you. Two: This is a story where she likes you, but doesn't want to know it yet. Three: She loves you, and has to marry someone else.'

'There is _no way _James isn't involved in this?' Lily said, raising her eyebrows. 'Maybe it's just a horrible person – ever thought of that?'

'Lily, James is in this. Accept it!'

**She looked up to find Alice beaming at her. 'I've got Frank Longbottom!' she said,**

'Well, that's interesting – Alice does really marry Frank,' said James. 'I don't think they got together like this, though.'

**cradling the letter to her chest. 'Frank Longbottom! Can you believe it, Lily? Lily?' Concern flitted across her face as she saw Lily's horrified expression. 'What's the matter?'**

'**You – you'll never believe who I'm going to marry,' she said. **

'Just tell us already!' said Sirius, throwing his hands in the air in exasperation. 'Is – it – Prongs?'

'Your friends really want us to get together, don't they?' Lily said to James.

'So would you, if you'd shared a dormitory with him for six years,' said Peter. 'Lily, I think you underestimate how boring it can be to share a room with someone who pines after someone else. '

'Exactly. You don't want to know how often we've had to hear his laments about how you didn't like him,' said Remus. 'After a while, one starts to hope you'll snog him, just to put us out of our misery.'

'Oh, by the way, a new part starts – there was a white line in the story,' said Sirius. 'We've the introduction of the husband - ergo Prongs, I hope!'

'**So. We're going to get married,' she said upon meeting her future husband. **

'Prongs!'

**Their wedding was planned in four days. **

'I think it's disturbing how I meet him and marry him for days later,' said Lily. 'Shouldn't we get to know each other?'

**They hadn't chosen the date; it was just that the E came relatively early in the alphabet, so they were two of the first people to get married. **

'How romantic.'

'**Yeah.' He was positively glowing. 'Who'd have thought?'**

'I had!' said Sirius. 'I've known all these years that Lily would marry Prongs!'

'If we ever get married, remind me not to let Sirius speech,' Lily said, smiling at James. 'I think there wouldn't be an end to it…'

'At your wedding I won't tell about your epic love, Evans,' said Sirius. 'I'd tell you all of the horribly ridiculous things Prongs has done, so by the time I'm done, you'll regret marrying him. Just you wait – I already know what I'm going to say.'

'Let's never get married, just to never give him that chance,' said James.

'Then Harry'll be a bastard.'

'I'll do it at the birth of baby Harry if you don't marry,' said Sirius. 'Don't worry, I'll find a way.'

'**Not me, certainly,' she said. 'Believe me, if I could undo it, I would.'**

'**Don't you like me?' he said. Behind the bravura, his eyes looked hurt. **

'She does like you,' Sirius said. 'I mean, I can't be the only one who just saw that smile. She wants to shag you, mate.'

'I repeat: would you please stop saying that I want to shag him? At least while I'm present? I get the _thousands _of remarks about how he likes me and how we're going to get married and have babies and whatnot, but leave my sex life out of this,' said Lily. 'Especially when it comes to things that don't happen in fanfiction. That wasn't a "I want to shag Prongs"-look.'

'Then what _was _it?'

She shrugged. 'A "Sirius is a complete retard"-look?'

'If you want to think so. I guess I'll just say this: the first time you called him Prongs was after talking about shagging him. I might mention this at your wedding…'

'**You know I'll be a good husband. We could take walks through the forest together, I'll cook you dinner, then afterwards we'll have amazing sex…'**

'Doesn't sound bad, eh, Evans?' Sirius said.

'All right, that's it.' Lily grabbed her wand and pointed it at Sirius. '_Silencio_.'

'Now who'll read?' said Peter.

'I will.' Remus got the book from Sirius, who was glaring at Lily, and started reading.

'**Don't talk to me about the sex. I'm trying to pretend that doesn't exist,' she said.**

'**Won't work. Part of this entire ordeal is so we Wizards reproduce. Unless you have some fancy way of doing that without sex… I'd say you'll have to sleep with me.'**

'Well… Muggles _are _working on that,' said Lily.

James gave her a strange look. 'What?'

'Muggles. They're trying to invent a way of making children without the parents having sex; it's to help people get pregnant when they've difficulty with it,' said Lily.

James's, Sirius's and Peter's eyes nearly bugged out of their heads.

'Muggles can make babies without having sex?' Peter said. 'That's – that's - '

'That's in vitro fertilisation,' said Lily. 'It doesn't work yet, but they're getting there. I don't think it'd be nice, though – you'd have to take loads of hormones. I'd rather just have sex with James. If I had to choose, that is, in the entire… context of this story. And all.' She cleared her throat and tried to ignore the meaningful glances the Marauders were giving each other.

_Shit. Should _so _not have said that._

**Lily shook her head. She didn't want to think about it. Yes, they'd been friends once, but that was long over. She didn't want to have his babies and not only because she now really disliked him. **

**No, she didn't want to have his babies because there was someone else. **

'O… kay. So maybe the husband-to-be isn't me, and Lily is now thinking about me?' James said. 'Which raises the question: who is the husband?'

'Maybe you are and I'm in love with Remus, like Sirius said.'

'No, I think Prongs is the other man,' said Remus.

**Someone who she would have loved to get married to, but who hadn't been allotted to her by the Ministry. **

'That doesn't have to mean anything.' Sirius had managed to remove the Silencing Charm. 'She's still got four days, right? She could just go to Vegas and marry him there – problem solved! She isn't married yet.'

**What would she do now? Would she just forget him – accept her fate? Or would she fight? **

'The latter, I hope,' said Peter. 'Otherwise the story would be very boring.'

'**Don't even think about it,' her husband-to-be said, upon seeing her face. 'I know what you're thinking and it's not going to happen. Besides, you won't be able to find a way out, not in four days. **

'Yes, there is – in Vegas! Come on, fanfiction!Lily! Think of Vegas! And take me with you, while you're at it.'

'I'll take you to Vegas when hell freezes over,' she said, laughing at the thought of Sirius in Vegas. 'It truly would be the end of the world. Not to mention that _if _I ran away with James – which I'm not saying either real!me or fanfiction!me will do – then I wouldn't take you, just so you wouldn't be able to speech.'

Sirius's bottom lip trembled. 'You're so cruel to me, Lily – denying me what little happiness I can get! After the years of torture you've put me through!'

**And I heard _he _is getting married to a girl named Ashford; he'll be married tomorrow. You'd just accept it, Lily. In four days time, you'll be Mrs Severus Snape, and that's the end of it.'**

'You're kidding me,' said Lily, staring at Peter.

'No, Lily, I shit you not. You're going to marry Snape in this story,' said Peter, giving Lily a look of pity.

'I want to read the rest,' she said. 'I want to know who that other husband is.'

'You already know. It's Prongs,' said Sirius. 'Who, by the way, has won our bet – he and some Death Eater. Congrats, Prongs.'

Lily's head shot up. 'Severus isn't a Death Eater,' she said.

'Maybe not officially – but he will be. Let's not fight about it,' said Sirius. 'Okay, we won't say Prongs has won until the fic confirms that Snivellus is a Death Eater – what do you say about that?'

'I – all right.'

'Now I'm hungry. Dinner, anyone?'

* * *

**A/N: Everybody thank you for your reviews! This badfic is going to be a longer one, too, I think. I can already imagine how I'm going to make this horribly clichéd... Anyway, reviews and badfic ideas are always appreciated!**


	17. Ariana Riddle III

'James, are you ready to go?' Lily said, peeking around the door to the boys' dormitory. She smiled when she saw the four boys sitting on Peter's bed, their heads around the Companion. They all looked up guiltily at the sound of Lily's voice.

'Ready, Evans?' James said, pushing his glasses up his nose. 'What for?'

'It's almost nine thirty – time for patrol,' she said.

He groaned. 'Can't we just skip that for tonight? We're reading the funniest story…'

'James Charlus Potter, if you think that you can just shirk your responsibilities as a Head Boy because you're reading a funny story while you _aren't _including me, then you obviously don't know me well.' She closed the door and walked to the bed. 'What's it about?'

'Nothing,' said Peter. 'It's nice that you're joining us.'

Lily looked at him, suspicion written all over her face, but then she turned to James. 'I was serious, though, you have a Head Boy responsibility.'

'C'mon, Evans; it's almost Christmas,' said James. 'One more week and everyone will be gone; even Minnie is relaxed-ish.'

'Well… What if we get that Map – the Marauder's Map – and check it once in a while?' Lily said. 'It would be more effective than patrol, because we can look at the entire castle and it'd make me feel less guilty.'

James stared at her as if she'd suddenly grown a pair of wings. 'Evans – you're – you're brilliant!'

'Thank you, thank you.'

'I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with this,' Sirius said, as Remus got the Map. 'The Map is for mischief-makers and now it's being used by… by… responsible people? Who want to uphold the rules? I can't be the only one thinking that's against the very essence of the Map!'

'That depends on how you look at it, Pads,' James said. 'Technically, Lily and I are being irresponsible by neglecting our patrol, so _some _rules are broken.'

'I still don't like this,' said Sirius. 'But – oh!'

He'd been looking at the index page; right under the 'Ariana Riddle: Chapter two' appeared a new line, written in red ink as opposed to the black ink of the other entries. 'Ariana Riddle has a new chapter!'

'I came just in time then,' said Lily.

**Ariana kept looking at the Gryffindor table while she ate. Every time she looked up, she saw Sirius, James or Remus was looking at her, too, **

'Wondering what on earth we'd been thinking, socializing with a girl like that,' said James.

**and they usually smiled at each other awkwardly. **

'It's only awkward because we're worried she's going to stalk us!'

'Since when do you dislike her so much?' said Sirius.

'Since she started being rude about Lily. I feel like I need to defend her honour.' James shrugged.

Lily was unable to hide her smile. 'You don't have to do that. I can look after my own honour,' she said. 'But it's sweet nevertheless.'

**She wished she could just sit with them; at least with them she felt comfortable. They were the first people, ever, who had been nice to her – **

'How old is this girl? Fifteen? And no one has ever been nice to her?' Remus said. 'Might just be me, but doesn't that imply that maybe she isn't very nice, either? Usually people have the decency to be polite, at least when they've only just met someone.'

'Yes, but that would make her tragic backstory less tragic,' said Lily. 'Remember what I told you about Mary Sues – they have loads of needless suffering and angst, because it makes them "deep" characters.'

**well, apart from _him_, but she couldn't think about that right now.**

'I wonder who _he_ is?' Sirius said.

'Her ex-boyfriend?' said Peter.

'Or her dead father,' said Lily. 'Or brother.'

**The boy she was sitting next to was very kind, though. **

'I thought she was sitting next to Snivellus,' said Peter.

'He _was _nice,' Lily said. 'He isn't anymore, but… he was.'

**He kept asking her questions about her life _before _Hogwarts and Ariana was sorry she had to lie to him so much when she barely knew him. She remembered Sirius and James saying something about a Severus – or, as they called him, Snivelly – but he didn't seem bad to her at all.**

'How can he _not _seem bad?' said Sirius. 'I'm sorry, but even if you don't know he's a creep who's all but a Death Eater, he still _looks _like a creep who's all but a Death Eater! That hair! The nose! That scary thing he does with his eyebrows when he's talking!'

**_No_, she thought, looking at his arms, the muscles of which were clear even through his Wizard's robes, _He doesn't look at all bad._**

'I think this might just be… not-Severus,' said Peter. 'Because this is just too strange.'

'Well, if James can be muscular, Severus isn't too much of a stretch,' said Lily, elbowing James in his stomach.

'Hey, I might be scrawny, but I look a _lot _better than Snivellus,' said James. 'Or have you forgotten my Quidditch-defined arse?'

'I thought that was just good genetics?'

'Whatever. Fact is, I'm much more likely to be described as muscular than Snivellus.'

**After dinner she hurried to catch up with the four Gryffindors – although it were three, she noticed, when she had finally reached them. James had disappeared; she soon spotted him talking to that Lily Evans.**

'"That Lily Evans" – that sounds very condescending,' said Lily.

'It must really suck, to have people in fanfiction portray you as someone who isn't nice,' said Peter. 'I do wonder what it's like.'

'**Hey,' she whispered to Sirius, as he pulled her into his arms for a hug. **

'Wait – what? I'm _hugging _her? Is she sure I'm not… strangling her? She might have Snivelly-germs all over her!'

'**Does – does this mean we can still be friends?'**

'**Of course we're still friends!' he roared. **

'You're very enthusiastic,' James said. 'I think she's going to shag you in this story, seeing as I'm already in love with Lily.'

'I'm not sure if I want a Mary Sue to have sex with fanfiction!me,' said Sirius. 'All that whispering is getting on my nerves.'

'**You don't think we care what House you're in? **

'Even though we do.'

**You're a great person, we like you even if you aren't a Gryffindor.'**

'**Yeah,' breathed Remus coolly. **

'Is it… me or is that sentence just… strange?' Lily bit her lip and looked at the book, trying to define what was wrong with it. 'Something's just _off_, you know?'

'It makes me think of gum-commercials,' said Remus. 'Where they have icy breath.'

'Yes! Yes, exactly that!'

'**So, you were sitting next to Snivelly?' Sirius asked, letting her go. 'How did you survive?'**

'**He – he seemed kind of nice,' she whispered. **

'**He isn't,' Sirius swore. 'He's evil.'**

'Well, thank you, fanfiction!me,' said Sirius. 'I'm glad that's still the way it always is. Imagine if we were suddenly _friends_…'

'Imagine if you might be pregnant from your one night stand with him,' said Lily.

Sirius grinned at James, who glared back at him. 'Yeah, that would be even worse.'

**She thought it best not to quarrel with him. Instead she looked at James and Lily; it was obvious she wasn't interested, as she looked straight ahead while walking and didn't respond to anything he said. **

'Oh, so we're still in that phase,' said James, sounding a bit disappointed. 'I like the other fanfictions better – you know, where we're living together and all that jazz.'

'Hey, at least she's got some things right about us,' said Lily.

'**Why does Prongs keep trying?' Ariana asked Sirius.**

'**Potters are known for **

'MALE PREGNANCIES!' everyone but James said in unison.

'That's not what it says,' said James haughtily, taking the book from Sirius.

**their love of redheads,' answered Sirius, shrugging. **

'That _is _true,' said James.

'**His mom was a redhead, too.'**

'But now it just sounds like I've some messed-up Oedipus complex.'

'Aren't Oedipus complexes always messed-up?' said Remus.

'Just to be clear, you don't remind me of my mum,' said James. He frowned and turned to the book. 'Dammit, they wrote "mom". My mum isn't a "mom". She's a mum.'

'**She's very pretty,' Ariana murmured.**

'**Yeah, well, she's also a real bitch. **

Lily's jaw dropped. 'Ex_cuse _me?'

'I am just reading it,' said James. 'In no way do I agree with this!'

'I don't really think you're a bitch, Lil,' said Sirius, patting her knee. 'A bit cold at times, yes, but now that I know you're the mother of my godchild… It's all okay.'

**Treating Prongs like that.' Sirius shook his head. They spoke about the Sorting Ceremony for the rest of the walk, until Sirius suddenly halted and turned to Ariana.**

'"What are you doing here?" he asked, looking confused. "You're a Mary Sue! Go away! Leave us alone and stop hating on Lily!"' said Remus in a dramatic voice. 'And so the Mary Sue, who was recognized for what she truly was, turned into dust, taking away Lily's bitchiness, James's muscles and Severus's shampoo.'

'Maybe you should start writing fanfiction,' said Peter. 'You have a real knack for it.'

'**Ari, you shouldn't be here,' he told her. **

'Already I've a nickname for her? Please. If anything, I'd be more original than that.'

'Yes, but would you waste that originality on her?' said Peter.

'**You need to go to the dungeons.'**

**Ariana's eyes flew open. 'W-what? Why would I have to go there?'**

'For an all-night torture session, in which you are forced to listen to James singing under the shower and thousands of rants from Remus about how irresponsible and stupid you are!' said Sirius. '_And _everything smells like Wormy's socks!'

'That'll show her, I'm sure,' said James. 'How terrifying you are, Padfoot.'

'**Because it's where the Slytherin Common Room is! Come on, I'll take you,' he offered. **

'Why would I do that?'

'Because you know where it is?' said Lily. 'Wait – do you know where it is?'

Sirius tapped the map. 'It's even on here, babe. Yes, I know where it is. Still, if Ariana'd had any brains, she would've gone with some Slytherin prefect.'

'This is the girl who had to specify she was gasping for _breath_, Sirius,' said Remus. 'She _doesn't _have any brains.'

'**That would be so kind of you,' she whispered shyly.**

**So they set off to the dungeons, where Sirius told the password to a place in the wall, which opened to let Ariana in.**

'Wonderful descriptions,' said Peter. 'I can really feel the atmosphere here. It's so exciting.'

'**Will I see you tomorrow?' she asked.**

'**I can't wait,' he murmured. **

'What? No! Fanfiction writers, _stop this_. I – don't – murmur! It's the most un-Sirius-y thing you could have me do, honestly!'

'And in this context it makes you sound a bit creepy,' said Lily. 'Like you're some scary rapist who, while saying this, is already planning sneaking into her room to watch her sleep while she hardly knows you…'

'**Good night, Ari.'**

**He gave her hand a squeeze and turned around to walk away. Ariana stared after him, mesmerized by his beauty, **

'Why is everyone going on about Padfoot's beauty?' James said. 'Is he really that good-looking?'

'Yes,' Lily and Peter said at the same time.

'O-oh.'

**until she couldn't see him anymore. Then she walked into the Slytherin Common Room.**

**She wasn't sure what she'd expected; **

'A Medieval torture scene?' said Sirius. 'That's what I expected before I got there.'

**some place where people laughed with each other and ate marshmallows by the fire, like the Marauders had told her the Gryffindors did. **

'We eat marshmallows by the fire?' said Lily.

'Apparently.'

**Instead of that, she got an underground lair kind of place, where everyone spoke in muted whispers. Everybody looked at her as she entered **

'Thinking, "My God, what an attention whore,"' said Lily. 'Oh, James, there's a fifth year on the second floor; should we go get her after this chapter?'

'Let's just finish this and then see what we'll do,' said James.

**and she could already hear her name being whispered and murmured by everyone.**

**With her head bowed, hoping her hair would conceal her face from those glaring eyes, she hurried quickly to her dormitory.**

**A/N: The next chapter: the introduction of her roommates! You'll never guess who's secretly a Slytherin…**

'Do I want to know?' Peter said. 'It's probably… probably… Dumbledore's daughter or something.'

'I don't think he has a daughter, Pete,' said Remus.

'Whatever. Evans, shall we go?' said James, jumping off of the bed. Lily followed his example and after a last look at the Map, they left to fulfil their duty.

'What are your plans for Christmas?' James said, waiting for her to go to the Portrait hole before following her. 'Are you going home?'

'Only for the first week,' she said. 'My parents want me to be at home during Christmas itself, but other than that? I'm going to use the peace and quiet at Hogwarts to study some more. What are you going to do?'

'We're all staying,' he said. 'Marauder tradition. My parents are probably coming to Hogsmeade for a couple of days, though.'

'So much for peace and quiet at Hogwarts, then.'

'Ah, come on, we'll be quiet if you want us to,' he said. 'Do come that second week.'

'I probably will. Annoying as you Marauders can be… I've grown quite fond of you.' She smiled, but then she looked up and let out a throaty laugh. 'James, look.'

He followed her look and blushed when he saw the mistletoe they were standing under. 'Oh,' he said. 'I didn't know - no one's seen this – I mean, we could always just…'

_You've got to be kidding me_.

'James?'

'Yes?'

'Shut up.'

She placed her hands on his shoulder and stood on her tiptoes, giving James a swift kiss on his lips. 'It's a good Christmas tradition,' she said. 'Now come on, I want to get the Hufflepuff before she's gone.'

* * *

**A/N: Darlings, give me more badfic ideas! I need YOU!  
**


	18. In which Peter isn't ready

'Prongs – lookie who's there,' said Sirius, elbowing James in his ribs and grinning at a group of girls a couple of feet away.

James followed Sirius's gaze and smiled when he saw Lily. He raised his hand in some half-wave. He hadn't seen her since that patrol – except in his dreams, where she was now more active than ever (except for a short period in his fourth year, when he had just – no, it was best not to think about that right now, he decided. Lily had been a bit _too _active in his dreams back then).

They watched as Lily said something to her friends and then came over.

'Lily Evans,' said Sirius in his deepest voice, holding out his arms for her, 'your beauty shines as the dawn, but burns more brightly than the sun on a hot August day.'

She squinted at him. 'What do you want?'

'Nothing, I'm just messing with you and stealing Prongs's lines. I heard you had quite the patrol, Tuesday night.' He gave her a fat wink, which made her laugh.

'I should've known he'd tell you all about that,' she said. 'Yes, it was fun. A shame that we missed the Hufflepuff, though.'

'Evans! Shirking your responsibilities so you could snog with Prongs!' Sirius waved his finger at her. 'You're the last person I expect to behave in such a way just because you desperately wanted to get into his pants!'

'I didn't _snog_ him, I kissed him,' she said.

'That's not what he said.'

James frowned. 'Er… yes it was.'

'Prongs!'

'Oh, look, it's Lily and James,' said Peter, who'd appeared with Remus. 'Are they declaring their eternal loves yet?'

'No, but Sirius was,' said James.

'To whom?'

'Me,' said Lily.

Peter's face fell. 'That's a shame. I thought I'd finally get to see some male pregnancies in real life… Speaking of which!' He got the Companion from his bag and waved the heavy book in front of their faces. 'You'll _never _guess what I read!'

There was a short silence before Remus said, 'Well… With this fanfiction, there _is _a decent chance that we'd never guess it. What was it?'

'It was a couple of chapters from something called _My Immortal_ – that's about your son, Prongs, although he is behaving… very weird…' Peter shook his head. 'But that's not what I wanted to say. There's a point in it when Harry – who calls himself Vampire – and is a boy – Harry points his womb at someone! So it really _does _run in the family, it isn't just you!'

James just stared, dumbfounded, as the others burst out in laughter.

'Hey, Lily, might I remind you that _you _are the mother of Harry,' he said, when his friends had quieted down. 'I might father Harry, but you're as much a parent as I am.'

'That's true. I just still don't understand how I get you pregnant,' she said, shrugging.

'Let's, for the sake of my sanity, just assume _I _get _you _pregnant,' said James. 'And if it happens to go differently, we'll see what happens.'

'On that note,' said Remus. 'We just spoke with Flitwick; our first period's cancelled, because he had to help McGonagall with her sixth-year class. Pete and I thought we might do another story?'

The others agreed and they went to their favourite empty classroom. Peter looked through the book until he found a story that seemed fun.

'This one is supposed to be about me,' he said.

'That's a first,' said Sirius. 'See, Pete? I told you you had to have _some _fan girls.'

**'Well Remus, that makes you "Almost ready – but with the right man"' Sirius informed him. **

'Okay, wait, what?' Remus said. 'In what context could Sirius say somethi – please don't tell me this is a fic where I have sex with Sirius _and _Peter?'

'It's called _In which Peter isn't ready yet_, so I think that I'm off the hook,' said Peter. 'Can't say anything about you and Sirius yet, though.'

**Three of the Marauders were in the dormitory, huddled around Sirius's bed. **

'I wouldn't be so sure of your safety, Pete,' said Lily. 'Remember _Forbidden Fruit_? I wasn't sure if Remus was ready there, either, but that didn't stop Sirius…'

**Sirius had discovered _Dance!-_magazine did not only tell him things about his relationships – there were tests in it as well. **

'Why on _earth _is Sirius reading _Dance!_?' Lily said. 'That's something my sister reads!' And her father, but he wasn't exactly the target audience; he was just very interested in the dramatic real life stories and tips on toning your legs.

'Well, obviously, they tell me things about my relationships,' said Sirius.

'What relationships?' Remus said.

'Maybe this magazine will teach me.'

**After figuring out whose style he had (like Marilyn Monroe, apparently, which he thought rather flattering; he adored Marilyn, even if she went a bit bonkers at the end), **

James coughed loudly at this; Sirius chose to pretend that didn't happen.

**he found another test: Are you ready for it yet?**

**Yes, "it". The magazine did not dare use the word "sex", which Sirius thought was hilarious.**

'This explains a lot,' said Remus, looking relieved. 'For a moment there I thought…'

'We all did,' said James. 'At the rate fanfiction!you is going…'

**'"Almost ready"?' Remus repeated. 'Why?'**

'Well, I wouldn't say you are _ready_,' said Sirius, looking at Remus. 'I mean, if Lily offered herself to you right now, you probably wouldn't sleep with her, would you?'

Remus seemed uncertain about what to answer to that. 'No?'

'See? It's obvious.'

'However, if _Sirius _offered himself…' said James, which earned him a smack on the head from Sirius. 'What? The magazine said with the right _man_!'

**'Because obviously, since you don't flirt with boys on parties where you don't know anyone **

'I wonder why,' Remus said.

– **you only got three points for that question, mate – and you're insecure about your body, but your preferred dessert is chocolate mousse instead of ice cream, so…'**

**'What does that have to do with Remus having sex?' Peter asked.**

'I wouldn't underestimate the appeal of chocolate mousse and sex,' said Sirius. 'Trust me on this one, Pete. And you should too, Lily, in case you and Prongs were ever… If it took some difficulty making Harry.'

'I'll keep it in mind,' said Lily. She exchanged looks with James and they both muffled their laughter, while Peter continued reading.

**Sirius shrugged. 'I didn't design the test. All right Pete, your turn. Question one: What would be your ideal date? A, go to the cinema and for a pizza afterwards, B, a romantic picnic at the beach, C, Date? I don't date, I just have sex.'**

'I think we all know what Sirius answered,' said Remus.

**Peter frowned. 'The cinema, I think. Though I don't know what it is – the pizza sounds good.'**

'Do you want to know what a cinema is?' Lily said to Peter.

'I… no. The pizza is what matters, I think. I agree with myself in fanfiction.'

**'Okay, so that is A,' Sirius said, marking it with his quill. 'Question two: Your ideal man is, A, sensitive and caring, B, wild and adventurous, C, Artistic and mysterious.'**

'He actually got Remus to do the entire quiz?' said James. 'Pads, what did you _use _on him? The Imperius-curse? I'd have slapped you by now.'

**Peter rolled his eyes. 'I don't know…'**

**'I think you'd go for wild and adventurous – it explains why you hang out with us all the time,' Sirius decided.**

'I suppose I don't need to point out all the "slash" implications?' Lily said.

**'What did you choose?' Remus asked.**

'"D: It doesn't matter as long as she's naked"?' said Remus.

'"E: It's all moot, because he'll only love Remus,"' said Peter. 'Which would probably mean he'd go for A.'

**'Artistic and mysterious. I like it when I have to discover things about a girl… and mysterious girls usually have far sexier underwear. But that doesn't matter, we're checking out if Wormy's ready yet. So, question three: How would your friends define you? A, easy and outgoing, B, shy and funny, C, dreamy and full of ideas, D, a boy who needs to get laid but is too afraid of rejection to actually do it. That would be D, Peter,' he added seriously.**

'You're so nice to me,' said Peter. 'Glad you're so in-character.'

'I'm only saying the truth!'

**This time, Peter did not bother to roll his eyes. 'I guess B?'**

**'Yeah,' Remus said. 'Definitely. Unless you have a hidden, outgoing side…?'**

'Oh, he does,' said James. 'Remember last summer?'

The other Marauders nodded, looking a bit pained. Remus rubbed over his shoulder at the memory of the experience.

'Do I want to know what happened?' Lily said.

'No. No, Evans, you do not,' said Sirius.

**'Must be very well hidden, then, 'cause I haven't found it yet.'**

**'Okay, so that would be B. Four: You're all alone at a party; you came with your friend, but she's off somewhere with her boyfriend. **

'I hate it when Sirius does that – leave me to be with his boyfriend,' said James.

'Everybody! I! Am! Not! GAY! Stop making those jokes!'

**What do you do? A, wait near the punch table for it to be over, B, go and talk to a cute boy or some nice-looking girls, or C, what does it matter? You'd already been dancing like crazy and met tons of new people. I think we all know what this is going to be,' he sighed.**

**'Yeah, Peter going crazy, of course,' said Remus.**

'No, no, no, Peter shouldn't go crazy again! It only ends in madness, despair and FLAN!' James said, waving his arms around. 'Don't go crazy, Pete!'

**'Shut it, Moony. I think… okay, it's A,' Peter sighed. He had the feeling he knew what the result of this test was going to be. And that was unfair – if even Remus was ready, **

'If _even _Remus was ready? Am I that pathetic?' Remus said.

'Don't worry, Remus. I've read loads of fanfiction where you're shagtastic,' said Lily.

**Remus, who had never had a girlfriend, while he, Peter, had dated someone in fifth year… Surely he could not be that hopeless? Just because he was not as extravert as Sirius and James did not mean he had no social skills at all. Just not with people he hardly knew.**

'Which is fine, you know. Not everybody needs to be like James and Sirius,' said Lily. 'God knows, the world wouldn't be able to handle it…'

**'Not surprising,' muttered Sirius. 'Okay, you're going to like the next question: what is your favourite dessert? Chocolate mousse, fruit or C, ice cream? I hate that ice cream,' he added, before Peter could say anything. 'Why can't they just say "ice"?'**

'Merlin, you're such an elitist brat,' said James, looking at the ceiling.

**'Sirius, now it not the time to contemplate how the English language has been raped by Americans,' said Remus.**

'Thank you, Remus. Thank you.'

**'Ice cream,' Peter said.**

**'Really? I'd have thought you were a chocolate mousse, like Remus here… Question six: What is your biggest wish? **

'A motorcycle,' said Sirius. 'Definitely a motorcycle.'

'A cure for my lycanthropy,' said Remus.

'Lily,' said James.

'A nice job,' said Peter.

They all looked at Lily, who shrugged. 'I… World peace? Or a life supply of strawberries with chocolate. One or the other.' _And maybe a shag with James. But that should be within my reach._

**A, Find a nice boyfriend, B, World peace, C, a good career.'**

**'What does that have to do with being ready for -'**

**'Just answer the question already!'**

**'Okay. Er… ' He thought of Emma. **

'It's not the same Emma again, is it?' Sirius said. 'The one I was supposed to marry but who suddenly fancied Remus?'

'It might be,' said Lily. 'I hope so. I liked her. Oh, no, what if she's Peter's girlfriend?'

**True, she was not a boyfriend, **

'That's what Sirius is for,' said James.

**but she was someone he liked more than anything else. Then again, world peace would always be good, just as a good career, but… Emma… 'A, the nice boyfriend.'**

**'Good for you, I'll find you one,' said Sirius, **

'Like Sirius!'

'Prongs! This is so un-funny! Lily, when this story is done, I'm gone to find that poem Prongs wrote for you and read it to you!'

James blanched. 'Don't! I'll stop!'

Smirking, Sirius said, 'I thought you would.'

**though Peter suspected he would have forgotten the promise tomorrow. 'Only three more to go! Seven: You have been together with your boyfriend for six months and want to do it for the first time. He wants to do it without a condom. What do you do?'**

'Always with a condom,' said Lily. 'You'd think that if you're both boys, nothing can go wrong, but you just _have _to have a Potter and everybody knows what _they_ are known for.'

´Good one, Evans!' Sirius held out his hand and she gave him a high five.

´In case you've forgotten, I was the only one James _wasn't _possibly pregnant from,´ said Peter.

**This was not hard; Sirius did not even need to tell Peter the answers. 'I wouldn't do it, he'd just have to wait. Or procure a condom somehow. I so would not get knocked up for someone like that.'**

'Good for you,' said James.

'Maybe that's why you weren't a possible father,' said Remus, his face serene, though the amusement was clear in his voice. 'You were the only one smart enough to use a condom.'

**'You sure?' Sirius asked. 'Option B is, it doesn't matter, you take the pill anyway…'**

**Peter recalled Moony going for that option, **

'Of course,' said Sirius.

**and that was probably true; if Remus were a girl and had a boyfriend, he would be smart enough to start taking the pill. **

'That sentence is so weird,' Remus said. 'That's so weird.'

'We'll just have to hope a new chapter from _Miss Lupin_ shows up soon, right?' said Sirius. 'See if you're really that diligent in your contraception.'

'Oh – right. _That _story.'

**He was not too sure about himself, though; he would probably forget taking it at least once every two days, and… did the pill work if you forgot it once? **

'It's not completely safe anymore,' said Lily.

Sirius raised his eyebrows. 'And you know this… how?'

'Out of the five of us, I'm the only one who's a girl and actually has to worry about this. I mean, unless you've just never told me about it, I _assume _those pregnancy and girl fics are completely made up…?'

'They are,' said James quickly. 'Completely, yes.'

**'Still the no-sex-option, whichever that may be,' he decided.**

**'All righty! What do you think of your body? A, it's fine the way it is – not special, but not ugly, either, B, I don't like my body, C, I'm one sexy lady.' Sirius said the last answer in a tone that left no doubt as to what he had chosen.**

'You're one sexy lady, Pads?' said James.

Sirius shook his hair from his face. 'Bitch, I'm _fabulous_!'

**'A,' Peter said, after a moment's thought. 'Yeah, A.'**

**'Good for you, Pete,' Remus said.**

**'And now, for the last question: what do you think is more important, love of pleasure? A, Love, B, Pleasure, C, I could never have pleasure without love.' Sirius grinned mischievously.**

**Peter sat up straight, a contemplating look on his face. 'I think… Love?'**

**'Bad choice, but it's cute you think so,' Sirius said. **

'How is that a bad choice?' said Lily, feeling offended. 'I think love is far more important than pleasure.'

'So even if Prongs was horrible in bed, you'd stay with him?' said Sirius.

Lily decided not to answer that. She didn't think James was bad in bed. She had yet to figure it out – but she had all faith that he would turn out quite good.

_If _she ever slept with him, that was.

Not that she was going to.

No, really.

She'd enjoyed that kiss, but that was all. Just because of the mistletoe. No exterior motives whatsoever, no, not at all.

**He marked the last question and then turned the magazine around to count Peter's points. After about twenty seconds, he held the magazine up right again, and started to read, '"Twenty-seven to forty-two points_: You're not ready yet_. **

'Shit,' said Peter.

**Hey hey hey, don't hurry into anything you don't want to do! It's obvious you are not ready yet for sex, although this might change when Mr. Right comes along. You should not feel obliged to lose your virginity any time soon, even if your friends do: it is the most precious gift you have, and you are wise for waiting with it." Well, isn't that nice?'**

'That was revolting,' said Remus. 'Girls like shit like this? "It's the most precious gift you have"…'

'These magazines tend to have outdated, sexist views on stuff like that,' said Lily. 'It's not as if James would love me any less if he found out I wasn't a virgin anymore – right?'

'Of course I wouldn't,' he said. He was silent for a second. 'Are you still a virgin?'

She rolled her eyes at him. 'That's none of your business. But yes, I am.'

'Man, your first time is going to be _awful_,' said Sirius, his voice filled with pity. 'Both of you still virgins – how on earth are you going to do it? At least _one _of you needs experience…'

'Let's not discuss this right now,' said James.

'Yeah, they've hardly had their first kiss,' said Remus. 'Give them some time, Sirius.'

**Peter felt the urge to slap him. 'No. What did you have?'**

**'The advice to relax, before everyone would think he was a slut,' Remus chuckled. 'He didn't seem too shocked by it, really.'**

**'I can imagine.' Peter eyed Sirius, **

'Gay sex at last,' said Lily. 'And from Peter! I knew it could happen.'

**who was lying on his back, eyes closed, his hands folded behind his back, just a hint of his stomach visible over his tight leather pants. **

'Pete, you don't really…?' Sirius said.

'No. No, I don't. Not. At. All.'

**Had Sirius been a girl, **

'– like Remus, in some people's minds - '

**'her' reputation would not even be that of a slut anymore, it would… well, it would simply be something the English language had yet to find a word for.**

**'You laugh, but I have snogged more girls than the two of you combined and every single one of them loved it,' Sirius informed them, not bothering to open his eyes.**

'That's what you say,' said Lily. '_I _have heard differently.'

Sirius choked. 'What?'

'Oh, nothing, nothing.'

**'Yes, we know, we've had all of them crying at our door,' said Remus. 'Really Pads, sometimes I really think you should get your heart broken – no, mangled – just once, so you know what it's like and stop torturing all those girls…'**

'Hear, hear!' said Lily. 'I'd read _that _story.'

**'Or at least so we can laugh at you for once,' said Peter.**

'Once? I laugh at Sirius all the time,' said James.

**Sirius opened one grey eye and looked at Peter. 'Pete, Pete, Pete,' he said, sounding more than a little bored, as if this was the zillionth time he had to say this, 'Don't you know that thoughts so malicious could harm that innocent soul of yours? Girls don't dig that, mate. But you know something, Remus? Maybe I will try and stay with a girl for a longer period.' He closed his eye again. 'You know, to see what it is like.'**

'Oh, please do that, Sirius,' said James. 'I'd die of laughter.'

'I'll try this when you've hooked up with Evans,' said Sirius.

'Deal.'

**'Already I feel sorry for her,' Peter said. 'And what do you mean by "longer period"? Is that, long enough for her to sleep with you twice, or is it a challenge – a week or something?'**

'As if any girl would survive with Sirius for that long,' said Lily.

'You're right, Lily. The combination of my stunning good looks, quick wit and amazing other qualities might just be too much for one girl.'

**'Shut it, Worms. Before you start picking on me, have a look at your own sex life, will you?' **

'Ouch,' said Remus. 'That was harsh.'

'Sorry, Pete,' Sirius said. 'Once again I have to say it's true, though.'

**Yup, he was definitely bored, and Peter felt a small stab in his chest. **

'Please don't let him be in love with me, please don't let him be in love with me,' Sirius muttered, his eyes closed and fingers crossed.

**Why was it that Sirius always made him feel so incompetent? Sure, he was like this to everyone, except maybe to James, but was it his imagination, or did Sirius _really _like him less than the rest?**

'Please don't let him be in love with me…'

Peter smiled and wished he wouldn't be reading this to them. The worries were uncomfortably close to the ones he really had and he didn't want to share it with the others, no matter how much he loved them.

**He knew that if he wanted this to stop, he'd have to confront Sirius with it; there was no way Sirius would notice he was being a jerk if no one informed him of the fact, and even then Peter suspected he would probably ignore it.**

**No, he would talk to Sirius.**

**Just not yet.**

'That was a rather depressing note to finish it with,' said James. 'Peter, you little killjoy.'

'Sorry,' Peter said. 'Didn't mean my inner monologue to bring you down.'

James waved his words away and looked at his watch. 'Right. I've got Herbology in ten minutes; Remus, are you coming?'

And thus, the end of their free period was reached.


	19. In the new moon

'You look troubled,' said Peter that night at dinner. He looked at Sirius, who was frowning and stabbing his food with a passion usually reserved for the nastiest of meals.

'I _am_ troubled,' he said.

'Oh God, what's wrong now?' Lily said. 'Are you on your period?'

'Evans, please. I'm not pregnant and not a girl – you can't make that joke with me. No, it's something different.' He sighed and pushed his plate away from him. 'One of those stories? It was a test to see which Marauder you were and I thought I'd do it.'

'Because you need tests to remember who of us you are?' Remus said.

'Because I wanted to know what kind of questions they'd ask!'

'I don't get the narkiness,' said James. 'Were the questions too difficult for you?'

Sirius glared at him. 'No, they were fine – strange, but fine. The problem is… That test said I was Remus! Remus! In a – a "Which Marauder are you" test, I wasn't even me! How is that even possible? Remus and I are completely different!'

Lily almost choked on her mashed potatoes. After James'd given her a couple of gentle slaps on her back, she said, 'You were Remus in that test? So now, what, you're in an identity crisis?'

'Exactly!'

'As am I,' said Remus. 'And I haven't even done that test. How could Padfoot be me?'

'I don't know. And I don't like it. I've a very distinct personality; how could anyone confuse that with yours?'

'How indeed?' Peter muttered.

'Now I want to do that test, too,' said James.

'So do I,' Lily said. 'See which of you I resemble most.'

'We're not the only answers; you're one, too,' said Sirius. 'People are so certain you're going to shag Prongs that they actually count you as a Marauder, even though you aren't. But that's beside the point! People think I behave like Moony!'

'That's not a bad thing, you know,' said Remus, insulted.

'Yeah, the world would greatly benefit if you acted like Remus some more,' Lily said.

Sirius folded his arms across his chest. 'You're no good, you lot. I just want sympathy and what do I get? "Yes, they're right" – thanks a lot!'

'Ah, Pads, are we that mean to you?' said James, switching his empty plate for Sirius's half-full one. 'Do the other kids not want to play with you?'

'Up yours, Potter.'

'So, after that nice discussion and psychoanalysis… another story after dinner?' said Peter.

.

'Okay, this one is a "crossover",' Remus said, stopping at a story that seemed fun. '_Harry Potter _and _Twilight_. It has…. an… interesting summary. _Bella Swan isn't actually Bella Swan; she is Lily Evans, sent on a mission to save the Wizarding world. After Edward leaves her, she can go back to Hogwarts, but what will happen when Jacob follows her? Jacob/Lily/James__**.'**_

'Who's Jacob? And Edward? And Bella, for that matter?' said Lily. 'Why would she be me?'

'Except that she isn't,' said Sirius, who was cheered up by Lily's newfound identity issues. 'She isn't Bella Swan, she's actually you.'

'You know, that doesn't make much more sense. But it sounds interesting – let's do that one,' said Lily.

**My fake family thought I overreacted because of the shock of Edward's departure. **

'I have a fake family – interesting.'

'Again, that Edward is leaving… who is Edward? Do we know an Edward?' said James. 'And why would he leave Lily, is he retarded?'

**They didn't know it wasn't grief that made me near-catatonic; it was relief. I was free, ready to go home again and be with the people I loved, be where I belonged. Yeah, wiping Charlie's memory would be a bitch, **

'Do we know a Charlie?' said Peter.

'I know Arthur and Molly Weasley have a son named Charles,' said James. 'And there's my dad, Charlus, but I don't see why Lily'd have to wipe his memory. I don't think we know a plot-relevant Charlie.'

**but he wouldn't miss me. And it wasn't as if I was his real daughter anyway.**

'Ah, he's a part of the fake family,' said Sirius. 'What's Lily doing with a fake family?'

'Pretending to be one Bella Swan,' Lily said. 'Though I still don't know why.'

**I smiled when my _real _father Apparated in my room. **

'Seeing as my dad can't Apparate, I'm going to assume I've a new father,' said Lily. 'Want to make bets on who he is?'

'Always,' said Sirius. 'I say it's Voldemort.'

'Good one,' Remus said. 'I agree with Sirius.'

'My money's on Lucius Malfoy,' said James.

Lily frowned. 'Why on _earth _would Lucius Malfoy be my father? Isn't he only five years older than me?'

'I just have a feeling about this,' said James. 'In my head, it sort of makes sense.'

'I think it's Slughorn,' said Peter.

'And I think it's someone completely different – Aragorn,' said Lily. 'If they're mixing us with _Twilight_, whatever that might be, I want some _Lord of the Rings_.'

'What's _Lord of the Rings_?' James whispered to Remus.

'A book trilogy. It's awesome,' said Remus.

'Okay, so, ready to find out who has fathered James's children's mother?' said Sirius.

'**Hey Dad,' I smiled, as Albus Dumbledore closed his arms around me and gave me a tight hug. **

'Albus _Dumbledore_?' said Lily, perplexed. 'I – _Dumbledore?_'

'I was closest!' Peter said.

'No you weren't – Remus and I thought it was Voldemort. He's, like, the evil counterpart of Dumbledore, so we were closest,' said Sirius. 'Sorry, Pete.'

'Imagine Dumbledore as a father,' said Remus, a dreamy expression on his face. 'That would be brilliant…'

'I wonder who my mum is?' said Lily.

'I'm sure we'll find out soon enough,' James said. 'Okay Pete, continue!'

'**How has everything been at Hogwarts?'**

'**All right – but we've missed you,' he murmured. 'Especially Mr Potter.'**

'Good to see that I still love Lily when she's Albus's daughter,' said James.

Sirius grinned. 'How funny would it be if you knocked her up and then had _Dumbledore _chasing you like some overly protective dad? Or when you pick her up for a date and he's all "Are you good enough for my daughter?"'

'I don't think he'd do that – he approves of James,' said Peter. 'That's obvious.'

'**I know, I know. I've missed him, too.' **

'Oh yeah!'

'Does it still excite you every time fanfiction!me mentions liking you?' Lily said. 'After so many stories, I thought you'd get used to it…'

'Evans, there's nothing I like to hear more. Unless, of course, it is the _real _you telling me you like me.'

**I sighed. _James_. He hadn't liked that I was going away – especially not as my duty was to seduce a vampire. **

James frowned. 'In what context would you be sent away to seduce a vampire?'

'I've no idea,' said Lily. 'Maybe the vampires are on Voldemort's side? Maybe… maybe… Okay, so does this mean Edward is a vampire?'

'I think it does,' said Remus.

'Okay, so I pretended to be some Bella Swan to have sex with a vampire named Edward. And I'm Dumbledore's daughter.' She was silent for a moment. 'Dammit, I sound like a Mary Sue. I just hope she doesn't go off describing my beauty.'

'Ah, Lily, you just say that,' said Sirius. 'Having your beauty described in great detail is one of the best things of reading fanfiction – at least when you're me. The others don't get that treatment too often.'

'Maybe because we have more characterization than our beauty,' said Peter.

'Nah, I'm just the handsomest of us.'

**But now that said vampire had dumped me… We could be together again. **

'**Have you got everything?' Dad asked. **

'Anyone using "Dad" to refer to Dumbledore is weird,' Peter said firmly. 'It just doesn't add up. I could almost forgive "grandpa", but "Dad"? No.'

'**I think so.' I looked around and saw I'd almost forgotten my Amulet; **

'I want to bet it holds some super powerful Mary Sue formula,' said Lily. 'I really hope I become a less-Sue-ish person.'

**it was enchanted, so when I wore it I could look however I wanted. **

Lily and Remus looked at each other.

'Does it count like the Amulet of Sueness?' Lily said.

Remus thought about it for a moment. 'Semi-Sueness. It's a bit too convenient to just be used like that, but you probably need it because otherwise you'd be too pretty for this world, or something like that.'

'Remus, leave those lines to me,' said James.

'We're discussing Fanfiction!MarySue!Lily, not the one sitting there,' said Remus. 'I'm not hitting on her.'

**For the past year, I'd used it to look like Bella Swan; plain and normal. Now I didn't need it anymore, but I kept it anyway. It was always fun to look like Padfoot's mom and then walk in naked to his room when he didn't expect it. **

Sirius turned the colour of sour milk and hid his face with his hands. 'Oh, no, the mind images, the mind images,' he moaned. 'I don't want to think of Mother naked. I don't want that. Why is this Lily so cruel?'

**I looked out of the window and saw my best friend in Forks: Jacob Black. **

'Related to you?' Lily asked.

Sirius, still trying to live with the thought of his naked mother, shook his head. 'Jacob is a normal name – we don't do that in our family.'

**In a lot of ways he reminded me of Sirius; there was the shared last name and of course they could both change into giant dogs. **

'"Of course"?' said Remus. 'I wouldn't say that is "of course". Are we supposed to know this Jacob?'

'He might be important in that _Twilight_-stuff,' said James.

'I don't like him,' said Sirius, who'd recovered. 'He's obviously just some cheap knock-off.'

**Jacob already had a motorcycle, but Sirius wanted one. **

'Wow. I mean it – he does sound like some knock-off.' Sirius looked amazed. 'I'd almost sue for identity theft, but apparently I'm Moony anyway, so it doesn't really matter.'

**Of course I liked Sirius better; **

'Naturally.'

**his friends were much funnier than Quil and Embry. **

'If by "funnier" you mean "complete and total retards" – then yes,' Sirius said. 'Of course the real me has better friends than that Jacob Black.'

**But Jacob had been sweet while I had to be Bella. **

**As Lily I didn't have time for him. **

'Arrogant much?' Peter said.

**I grabbed Dumbledore's hand and we Apparated to the Hogwarts grounds. I couldn't wait to see James again, so after giving Dad **

'Don't call him "Dad"!' Peter cried out.

'I hate this inconsistency in referring to him,' said Remus. 'The author should go for "Dad" or "Dumbledore" – not switch all the time, it's tacky.'

**another fierce hug, I ran for the dormitory. Oh, the look on his face when he saw me again!**

'Who, Dumbledore?'

'I think she means me,' said James.

**James wasn't the first Marauder I crossed paths with; it was Remus. The look on his face when he saw me was priceless. **

'You know, there are several things that I don't like about that sentence,' said Remus, stroking his chin while he spoke. 'I mean, of course the expression is on my face – where else is it supposed to be, my arse?'

'That's called nit-picking,' said Peter.

'I'm not finished yet. Did you notice she used almost the _exact _same wording only two sentences ago? What's wrong with variation?'

'Definitely nit-picking, this.'

'It just bugs me!'

'I feel your pain, Remus,' said Lily.

'**Lily! You're back!'**

'**Indeed I am,' I agreed, hugging him. 'Did you miss me?'**

'**Of course,' he assured me. 'We all have. It's so good to see you again! How long have you been here?'**

'**Oh, about five minutes,' I joked. **

'And I hate that too!'

Sirius sighed and cast his eyes heavenwards. 'What is it now?'

'All those dialogue tags! What's wrong with "he said", "I said", "she said"? Why does it have to be "joking" and "agreeing" and "murmuring" and "whispering" all the time? Just make them say things and let the dialogue speak for itself!'

'I haven't noticed it,' said Sirius.

'It happens in every story! Every last one of them! Haven't these people heard of Said Bookism? Well?'

As no one but Remus had, even in the real world, they decided not to answer that question.

'**Everything's been such a rush, after Edward left and all that. Or haven't you heard yet?' I hadn't been allowed to contact my friends while I was Bella; they'd thought it would be unwise if Edward ever found out. **

'Edward sounds like a creep,' Lily said.

**How often had I stared at my phone, hoping there'd be a text from James, only to see bloody Mike Newton had tried to call me. **

James opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again. 'A phone?' he said. 'A text? A call? Lily, care to explain?'

'A phone is Muggle device – it can connect to another phone in the world and then when you're calling each other, you can speak have a conversation. It's very useful,' said Lily. 'I've no idea how you could send texts with phones, though…'

'**Not yet. James is going to be so happy to see you again,' Remus gushed. **

Remus's hand clenched at the dialogue tag.

**At that moment, Sirius and James turned around the corner. James was holding a pile of books, but dropped them to the floor when he saw me. His mouth was open and his eyes were big (he didn't wear glasses anymore, by the way, he had contacts now). **

'Were they red?' Peter said, but he was ignored.

'That was stupid information,' said James, touching his glasses. 'My glasses are great, thank you very much.'

'I think they're sexy,' Lily said seriously. 'Really, don't take contacts, I'd never go out with you.'

'**Hey James,' I smiled at him. 'Missed me?'**

'He always does,' Sirius said. 'Oh, the wanking he does when you're not around, Evans…'

Lily turned red. 'Sirius? Please don't talk about that. I… Just don't tell me about it.'

**The next moment I was lifted up in the air and he was kissing me furiously, in a way that Edward never dared because he feared he might 'break me'. I kissed him back, happy to be the centre of his attention again. **

'Attention whore much?' Peter said.

'I say I'm a Mary Sue in here,' said Lily. 'Shit.'

'At least you're still a girl – no sex changes for you!' Remus said.

'**So does this mean you'll stay?' Sirius inquired, when, after ten minutes, James's lips finally released me.**

Sirius snorted. '"James's lips finally released me" – Merlin, that sounds like James is just a pair of _huge _lips that tried to kidnap Lily.'

'For some reason, I'm picturing a giant, big-lipped fish,' said Peter. 'With contacts.'

'What did you and Remus do those ten minutes?' said James, looking at Sirius. 'Were you just standing there watching how I snog Evans?'

'If it requires a description like that, I think we were making sure you didn't eat her,' Sirius said.

'**Probably, yes – I'm not sure yet, but I don't think anyone is going to follow me here. And seeing as Edward didn't want me anymore… I'm all yours again.' I said this mostly to James, who started kissing me again. While our tongues battled for dominance, **

'Man, that description is revolting,' said James.

'I've seen it pop up quite often,' said Lily.

'It's _still _revolting.'

'Now I can't stop thinking of _two _giant big-lipped fishes that are sword-fighting with their tongues,' Peter said.

**Remus and Sirius went for breakfast (because there is a time difference between USA and England and stuff). **

'This author sucks.' Remus said. 'That's a horrible way of conveying information. "And stuff"? And at what time did Lily leave America? Because the time difference is, what, five, six hours? If we're going for breakfast, did that mean Lily left at two in the morning? Why would she do that?'

**That's how I returned to Hogwarts. **

'And that's how this chapter ended,' said Peter.

'This has to be one of the worst-written things ever,' said Remus. 'And I'm including the purple prose from _Lily Evans: Vampire Huntress _or whatever it was, _and _all the angsty thoughts from _Forbidden Fruit_.'

'That's because you're a perfectionist and annoying,' said Sirius. 'The writing wasn't too bad if you didn't focus on things like _dialogue tags_.' He said the last two words like they were dirty.

Remus shrugged. 'When you've read as much as I have, you'll know what I mean.'

James checked his watch. 'Shall we do another one?'

'I suppose one more can't hurt,' said Lily, and so she started searching for another story.

* * *

**A/N: I got a request for a Twilight crossover, so there! The first line of the description - Bella Swan isn't actually Bella Swan - I have seen on , and the story was about how Hermione was actually Dumbledore's daughter and Sirius's fiancé. I shit you not. And I'm sorry for Remus's rant about dialogue tags, but it drives me crazy, people using all those annoying tags when 'said' will do. Dialogue should speak for itself; only when it isn't obvious from the statement itself should you specify _how _someone says it (at least that's my opinion). Any badfic ideas are very welcome; they turn out to be harder to write than I'd thought (hence the 'long' updateless time). **

**Sorry for the long A/N, and see you next chapter!  
**


	20. Chatrooms

'All right, this one says it's a… IM-conversation between us?' Lily frowned. 'Does anyone know what IM is? Is it some Wizarding thing I've never heard about?'

'I don't think so,' said Sirius. 'I've never heard of it either.'

'O… kay. Well, the format is… it's almost like a script,' said Lily. 'Oh, what if we all read out the parts said by "us"? I mean, if there are no other people and there's no narrative, we could do that, right?'

'Sure,' said Remus. 'And who knows? Maybe we'll find out what IM is.'

**PadfootIstheBest: Hello? Anyone here? **

'PadfootIstheBest?' James said, raising his eyebrows at Sirius. 'Are you kidding me?'

'It might just be one of my fan girls,' said Sirius haughtily.

'What fan girls?' said Peter. 'The ones in your head?'

**PadfootIstheBest: No?**

'Oh, I'm all alone. Why don't you guys come and play with me?'

**PadfootIstheBest: Stupid losers**

'Because you insult us all the time,' said Peter.

**PadfootIstheBest: I don't need you**

'And you don't need us anyway,' said James. 'Are these the conversations you have in your head, Padfoot? When we're not around, you just go telling people who aren't there that you don't need them?'

**PadfootIstheBest: I have loads of fun without you!**

'Yeah, we all know that,' said Remus, making James and Peter grin.

'Do I want to know…?' Lily said.

'It's not suited for your delicate ears, darling,' said James.

_**Moony has logged on**_

'About time!' said Sirius. 'I thought you'd abandoned me!'

**PadfootIstheBest: MOONY!**

'Someone is happy to see Remus,' said Peter. 'Who wants to bet they end up having sex with each other?'

'Five galleons,' said James, shaking Peter's hand. 'It doesn't seem like a shag- story.'

**Moony: Hey Pads**

**PadfootIstheBest: I was having so much fun before you came**

'Oh, dammit, now that sounds very wrong,' said Remus, clenching his eyes.

**Moony: Is that so?**

'He knows what you've been doing,' said James.

'It's not really that hard to guess,' Remus said.

'You guys, I wasn't wanking,' said Sirius. 'Stop suggesting that!'

**PadfootIstheBest: Yeah. Wish you weren't here**

'Okay, maybe I was.'

**Moony: …**

**Moony: Right**

'He definitely knows what you've been doing,' said Peter.

**PadfootIstheBest: Yeah!**

**Moony: I'll go then**

'Thank God,' said Remus, taking a deep breath through his nose. 'For a moment there, I was afraid I might join him or something. With my fanfiction history…'

'Yeah, like when you were masticating on a broom while looking… oh, right,' said Peter, when everyone looked at him like he'd just grown two extra heads. 'You guys haven't read that, I forgot.'

**PadfootIstheBest: WHAT?**

**PadfootIstheBest: No**

**PadfootIstheBest: I was just joking**

'I think I'm going to win our little bet,' said Peter. 'Pads so wants Moony to join him.'

_**ProngsPower has logged on**_

This time Sirius was the one who laughed. 'ProngsPower? PadfootIstheBest is so much cooler!'

'Yeah, right,' said James. 'At least mine alliterates.'

'How do you know that word?' Lily was shocked.

'You're forgetting the poem I wrote for you, Lily,' said James. 'I actually researched things like this. It didn't do me any good, but I know all about alliteration and dactylic hexameters and everything.'

'What did he just say?' Peter muttered to Remus.

'Doesn't matter.'

**PadfootIstheBest: Prongs! Tell Moony not to go!**

'Oh, Remus, don't go! Don't leave us!' said James, draping an arm over his eyes and pretending to swoon. 'Sirius cannot go on without you!'

**ProngsPower: Moony, don't go**

**Moony: Fine**

'You were easily persuaded,' said Lily.

'No, I just have wonderful rhetorical skills,' said James. 'It wasn't easy, but you can sense the despair in that one line.'

'Yup, you're the new Shakespeare, Prongs,' said Peter. 'Why would you want to be a Healer when you can write prose like that?'

**PadfootIstheBest: How was detention?**

**PadfootIstheBest: With Snivelly?**

'Oh! Maybe it's not Sirius/Remus – maybe it's James/Snape!' said Peter, his eyes gleaming. 'If that's the case, do I still win the bet?'

'Peter, no one in his right mind would ship me and Snivellus,' said James.

'It's already happened – he was a possible father of your children, remember?' said Sirius.

**PadfootIstheBest: Did you discover you're secretly related?**

'As if. We aren't even on the same evolutionary scale,' said James. 'And there's no way someone with hair like _mine _is related to someone with that greasy mob of… "hair".'

**ProngsPower: No**

**PadfootIstheBest: That you're secretly engaged?**

'Nah, Harry is born out of wedlock,' said Sirius. 'Fanfiction!me, James wasn't even sure Snape was the father! I wouldn't just assume they've already made their relationship public, not when he's still shagging Remus on the go!'

'How funny would it be if someone walked in right now and heard Sirius say this?' Lily said.

**ProngsPower: What?**

**ProngsPower: No!**

**Moony: I wonder where he gets those ideas…**

'It's his biggest dream, of course,' said James. 'Marrying Snape. He just doesn't want to come out for it.'

'Potter, I hate you.'

**PadfootIstheBest: Family reunions**

'Sirius, what kind of family do you _come _from?' Lily said.

Sirius shrugged. 'It's… your family is probably nicer. And I could get ideas like that one from family reunions – last time I went to one, I heard everyone wanted me to marry Cissy. She's with Lucius Malfoy now.'

'Cissy? As in Narcissa Black?' said Remus. 'But…'

'She wouldn't even have to change her last name? Exactly,' said Sirius. 'Then again, neither did my mother. She was born a Black and married a Black.'

'Incest: a game the whole family can play,' Peter said, low enough for no one else to hear.

_**PeterPettigrew has logged on**_

'Why am I always the last?' said Peter. 'The last to have any lines, if I have any at all, the last to enter this conversation…'

'Because for some reason people don't like you,' said Remus. 'We don't know why.'

'Surely I can't be _that _bad?'

'Well… No offence, but you sometimes smell a bit weird,' said Sirius. 'Maybe that's it.'

**PeterPettigrew: Hey guys!**

**PadfootistheBest: PETER PRONGS IS SHAGGING SNIVELLUS!**

'Did you have to scream it like that?' James groaned.

'It's in capitals; capitals should be emphasized,' said Sirius. 'Ergo: shouting.'

**PeterPettigrew: WHAT?**

**PadfootIstheBest: I KNOW ISN'T IT REVOLTING**

**Moony: *?**

'Do you really have conversations like this when I'm not around?' Lily said.

'I… yeah. We do,' said Remus. 'Unfortunately. Sirius usually yells less, though.'

**ProngsPower: Yeah, Snivellus proposed after detention and I couldn't say no**

**PeterPettigrew: Of course not**

'Not when you were carrying his child,' said Sirius. 'It would be bad for the baby.'

James smacked him on his head. 'You wanker.'

'I'd rather be a wanker than engaged to Snivellus!'

**ProngsPower: Not to someone with such greasy hair, such a huge nose… **

**ProngsPower: I was afraid he might kill me if I said no**

**PadfootistheBest: Wonder what Lily will say?**

'And the Lily-loving has started,' said James. 'Evans, what would you say if I married Snape?'

She was silent for a long time while she considered this. 'In all honesty?'

'Yeah.'

'I'd probably piss myself from laughter.'

_**Lily has logged on**_

**Moony: "Thank God, I'd thought his day would never come"**

'Don't know if I would say _that_, though… Then again, with all that sexual tension between you and Snape…' she said, biting her lip.

'The only one Prongs has sexual tension with, is you,' said Sirius.

'And Pads, occasionally,' said Peter.

'That's only when he's drunk,' said Sirius. 'And not to be taken seriously.'

Lily snickered. 'Taken. Siriusly. Sorry, very, very bad pun.'

**Lily: You saw me only thirty minutes ago!**

**Lily: Hi, by the way**

**Moony: I was talking about the epic love between Prongs and Severus**

**Lily: Oh, that**

'For someone who'd piss herself, you don't sound very surprised,' said Peter.

**ProngsPower: …**

**ProngsPower: Lily, shouldn't you be more upset?**

**Lily: By what?**

**PadfootIstheBest: Oh, I don't know**

**PadfootIstheBest: JAMES SHAGGING SNAPE?**

'Stop with the bloody capitals!' James yelled at the story. 'Especially when they're saying that!' He looked around, worried anyone else might have heard this. It would kill his reputation if people thought he was shagging Snape.

**Lily: Nah, I've known for years**

'Which is why you never said you liked Prongs back! You thought his love for Snivellus was too strong!' said Sirius.

Lily rolled her eyes at him. 'Oh, yeah, you caught me – that was _exactly _what I thought all these years. Wasn't it obvious?'

**ProngsPower: WHAT?**

**ProngsPower: There wasn't anything to know!**

**ProngsPower: We were joking!**

**ProngsPower: I only love you!**

It was the first time fanfiction!James had openly declared his love for her. Not that he liked her, not that he thought she was pretty, not that he wanted to have her babies – that he loved her. Lily had to admit, she liked hearing those words from James's mouth, even though he was just reading them. They were directed at her, even if it was just fanfiction!her.

**PeterPettigrew: Should we go and leave them to it?**

**PadfootIstheBest: Are you kidding me?**

'A wanker and a Peeping Tom,' said Remus. 'You're such a charmer, Pads.'

**Lily: I know, James**

**PadfootIstheBest: This is hilarious**

**PeterPettigrew: Is he going to propose now?**

'That would be very unromantic indeed,' said Lily. 'I mean, I wouldn't need flowers, but right there, with all the other Marauders present? Yugh.'

'When I propose, they won't be there,' said James.

**Lily: James**

**ProngsPower: Yeah?**

**Lily: You left your boxers in my room**

'LILY SHAGGED JAMES!' Sirius shouted. 'I KNEW IT!'

**Lily: Just thought I'd tell you**

_**PadfootIstheBest has changed his/her name into LILYSHAGSJAMES**_

'You and fanfiction!you really do think alike,' said James.

'Oh, come on, it's worth the outburst,' said Sirius. 'I mean, Lily _snogging _James is funny – but the pair of you shagging…'

**LILYSHAGSJAMES: JAMES CHARLUS POTTER**

**LILYSHAGSJAMES: DO YOU NEED TO TELL US SOMETHING?**

'Too. Many. Capitals,' Remus said. 'Sirius. Stop. Shouting!'

**Moony: The caps are hurting my head**

'Only you can get a headache from reading capitals,' said Peter, nudging Remus. 'You're like the princess in _The Princess and the pea_.'

**PeterPettigrew: Kind of like Padfoot in real life, huh?**

'Yes!' everyone but Sirius said.

**Moony: Yeah**

**ProngsPower: I didn't _shag _Lily**

'Shame,' said James.

**Lily: Yes you did**

'Never mind!'

'Why would James be denying it when I don't?' said Lily. 'What kind of master plan does he have?'

**LILYSHAGSJAMES: SEE! SEE! I KNEW IT!**

**LILYSHAGSJAMES: YES! FINALLY!**

**LILYSHAGSJAMES: PRONGS YOU FUCKHEAD WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US**

'If we ever shag, let's not tell Sirius,' said Lily. 'Or at least do it when I'm not around; I can't stand all the shouting.'

'Evans, that's not fair. You can't not tell me,' said Sirius. 'Not after all those years I've heard Prongs pining after you.'

_**LILYSHAGSJAMES has changed his/her name into PadfootIstheBest**_

**Moony: I'm surrounded by idiots**

_**Moony has logged off**_

'The wisest decision you've made thus far, I reckon,' said Peter.

'Probably, yes,' said Remus. 'If only I could just leave conversations in real life – it would be so easy whenever Sirius started about a new prank involving eighteen tomatoes and a giant bra…'

**ProngsPower: Lily, what I meant is**

**PadfootIstheBest: - 'He wants to do it again!'**

**ProngsPower: That, too**

**ProngsPower: But I thought we'd done more than just shag**

'That sounds very suspicious,' said Sirius. 'What did you do? Chain each other to the bed? Play scrabble while you were doing it? DID YOU TURN INTO A STAG WHEN -'

'Sirius, don't finish that thought,' James said, taking out his wand and directing it at Sirius. 'For the love of your hair, don't finish that thought.'

**Peter Pettigrewt: ?**

**PadfootIstheBest: LIKE WHAT?**

**Lily: Oh jayzis**

**ProngsPower: I thought it meant more than just a shag**

'Oh, Prongsie, you're all romantic now,' said Sirius. 'I should've known it wouldn't be something kinky.'

'That would've been funnier to read, though,' said Peter.

'Definitely.'

**Lily: It does**

'And Lily loves you back!'

Lily blinked a couple of times. 'Where did you see that? I said it was more than a shag – that doesn't equal "I love you"!'

'You once told me about subtext, Evans,' said Sirius. 'Right now, I'm reading the subtext. But it's hardly subtext; it's basically text. You love Prongs!'

**Lily: But it was a shag, too**

**ProngsPower: And a good one, at that**

**Lily: Obviously**

**PadfootIstheBest: PRONGS YOU'RE IN MATE!**

'No shit, Sherlock,' Remus said. 'And where are the commas?'

'I'm just spreading the happy news,' said Sirius. 'Can't wait until I can do this in real life. You should shag before the holidays, okay?'

'I'm not going to shag James within the next two days just because that would be the most convenient for you,' said Lily.

'No, that would just be _one _of your reasons. You should shag James within the next two days because you're burning with lust for him and can't get enough of him. And don't deny it – I've seen the way you look at him!'

**ProngsPower: Yeah, I noticed**

**Lily: So**

**Lily: James**

**Lily: Are you busy?**

'Booty call!' said Sirius.

'He's almost happier than I am,' said James.

'That's how desperate I am for you to shag.'

**ProngsPower: Fourth floor, statue of Barnabas the Beheaded, five minutes?**

**Lily: OK**

_**Lily has logged off**_

_**ProngsPower has logged off**_

'And we all know what they're doing!' said Sirius, wiggling his eyebrows.

**PadfootIstheBest: Well, Pete**

**PadfoodIstheBest: That leaves just us**

**PeterPettigrew: …**

'Peter is not happy about this,' said James.

'Of course not – knowing Pads, he'll just start wanking again,' said Peter. 'And being alone with him is never a good idea, not even under the best of circumstances.'

**PeterPettigrew: Yeah**

**PeterPettigrew: About that**

**PadfootIstheBest: What?**

**PeterPettigrew: I've to go**

**PadfootIstheBest: What?**

**PadfootIstheBest: No!**

**PeterPettigrew: Yeah**

**PadfootIstheBest: No!**

**PeterPettigrew: Sorry mate**

_**PeterPettigrew has logged off**_

'I hate you,' said Sirius. 'Why do all my friends leave me? I can forgive Prongs – he had Lily to shag. But other than that? Wormy, what is your excuse? You should stay! Remus should come back!'

**PadfootIstheBest: Fine.**

**PadfootIstheBest: Doesn't matter**

**PadfootIstheBest: I CAN HAVE FUN ON MY OWN!**

**PadfootIstheBest: loads**

**PadfootIstheBest: of**

**PadfootIstheBest: fun**

**PadfootIstheBest: Oh, sod this**

_**PadfootIstheBest has logged off.**_

'I thought the format was strange,' said Remus. 'But… well, you know, relatively speaking, strange-plot-wise, considering all the other things we've read… it wasn't too bad, right?'

'Yeah,' said Peter. 'Sirius was a bit annoying - '

'– but when isn't he?' said James, nodding.

'Darlings, I think I'm going to bed.' Lily got up and smiled at the Marauders. 'I'll see you all in the morning?'

'Why, you don't have to say goodbye just because you're going to bed,' said Sirius. 'I'm sure you'd be more than welcome to spend the night in Prongs's bed…'

'Goodnight, Lil,' said James. 'See you tomorrow.'

He stared after her as she left, grinning goofily. 'Man, she's beautiful, isn't she?'

After a couple of minutes, Peter and Remus went to their dormitory as well. Taking advantage of this alone time with James, Sirius leaned forward. 'Prongs, I'm serious here. Shag her before she leaves, or I'll lose my bet with Pete.'

James was ripped out of his reverie and turned to Sirius. 'What?'

'We made a bet. What with everything that's been going on… I thought you'd score before Christmas.' Sirius shrugged. 'Please?'

'I, er… I can't promise anything.' The thought of lying in bed with Lily Evans within forty-eight hours was appealing, yes, but a bit surreal, if James was honest. 'Let's just see how it goes, shall we?'

'Fine. But I assume you'll do your best to charm your way into her pants as fast as possible.'

As they went upstairs to their dormitory, James wondered if he should remind Sirius that he'd been trying to charm himself into Lily's heart for years and that it hadn't really worked. Yes, he would try – but that was something completely different from succeeding.

* * *

**A/N: I got a request to make the 'Which Marauder are you' test Sirius did;**

**1) Are you interested in them reading/doing that?  
**

**2) Would anyone be willing to make it? I can do it myself, but... I don't know. Variation and all that jazz.  
**

**Anyway, I hope you liked this chapter!  
**


	21. Which Marauder are you?

'I really need to start packing,' said Siobhan, a seventh-year Ravenclaw. 'Of course I should've done it ages ago, but with the way the teachers are going on, I just couldn't imagine Christmas was so close. And now we're leaving in…' She looked at her watch. 'Fourteen hours.'

'Same here,' said Lily. 'Oh, shit, you've got patrol tonight, right?'

'Yup. Great planning I did there, huh? Oh, hey Sirius.' She smiled at the boy who had just appeared behind Lily.

'Siobhan! How wonderful to see _you _again,' he said, while wrapping an arm around Lily's shoulders. 'Looking forward to the break? Oh! Has Lily told you the wonderful news yet?'

Siobhan looked from Lily to Sirius. 'Ah… I don't think so.'

'Lily and James are going to have a baby named Harry!'

If Siobhan was surprised to hear this, she didn't show it. 'Is that so?'

Lily rolled her eyes. 'Yeah, it's true. James and I are going to have a baby. The only problem is that we aren't sure who the mother is.'

Now Siobhan's poker face broke and she frowned. '… What?'

'How could you forget that Potters are well known for male pregnancy? Clearly, it's because they're part Veela. Really nearsighted, really brunet Veelas.' Lily shrugged; she tried to keep a straight face, but burst out laughing when she saw the utter confusion in Siobhan's expression.

'I think I missed a _lot _of inside jokes,' said Siobhan.

'You did,' said Sirius. 'I'm more than willing to explain them to you over a cup of hot chocolate and steaming love?'

'How tempting, but no. I have things to pack, before the train leaves and I forget Julius – again. You're staying at Hogwarts, right?'

He nodded. 'All Marauders are.'

'Well, in case I don't see you again: happy holidays. To you too, Lily, but I'll probably see you on the train tomorrow.' Siobhan waved at them and then she left to go to the Ravenclaw Common Room.

'I must say, that was a beautiful summary of James's biological issues you just gave there, Evans,' said Sirius, as they started walking towards their own Common Room. 'Poor Shiv will probably think you're crazy, but hey, it was about time she found out.'

'I'm not crazy, that Companion is just brainwashing me.'

'Of course. Hey, Remus found another _Which Marauder are you?_-test and wanted to do it with all of us, see if this one is more accurate – want to come?'

Lily thought of all the clothes that were still unpacked, the letter she had to send to the _Daily Prophet _for a possible internship, the gifts for her family she still had to sort out. She really didn't have time. 'Sure!'

No one in the Common Room thought anything of it any more when Lily followed the Marauders up the stairs to their dormitory. Lily wondered if that meant they knew she was just friends with the boys or if they had just accepted the idea that she was shagging the lot of them. She hoped it was the first one.

'Hey Lily,' said Peter when he saw her. 'Ready to see who of us you are?'

'I'm scared of the answer, but by Merlin, I'll try,' she said. She sat down next to James, got his pillow and hugged it to her chest. 'Start with the quiz, gentlemen.'

**1. What is your favourite food?**

**A. Chocolate**

**B. Food? Drink! Firewhiskey!**

**C. Lasagna**

**D. Anything**

'I think we all know I'll go for A,' said Remus, writing it down on a piece of parchment.

'I'm for C,' said James.

'As am I,' Sirius said. 'Especially the one made by Prongs's mum.'

'I'm for A,' said Peter. There was a time when he'd have picked D, but if there was anything Sirius had taught him, it was that there were a lot of things that could go wrong with food. Eating 'anything' would be very stupid.

'I'm an A too,' said Lily.

**2. Severus Snape walks past. You…**

**A. Nod at him and walk on**

**B. Get out your wand to curse him into the new millennium**

**C. See if Evans if around and then curse him – or not**

**D. Hide and wait for him to go away**

'C,' said James and Sirius at the same time.

'You'd bother with checking if I'm around?' said Lily. She wasn't looking at James – she knew _he _would make that effort, although she'd have preferred it if he'd chosen A – but was giving Sirius a strange look.

'Yeah, otherwise you'd probably curse my arse off,' he said. 'I'm reckless, not stupid.'

'Well, I go for A,' said Lily.

'Same here,' said Peter, and Remus was also an A.

**3. What is your ideal girl like?**

**A. Open-minded and intelligent**

**B. Hot and adventurous**

**C. Red-haired and smart**

**D. Any girl I can get**

'I think James is going for C,' said Remus.

'You'd think so? Why? When have I ever shown any interest in smart, red-haired girls?'

'I don't know what girl I'd like,' said Lily. 'I guess I'd like a _guy _who's adventurous? So that would make me a B.'

'Put me down for a B, too,' said Sirius.

'I'm a D,' said Peter. 'Although – no, I'm not. I'm not that desperate. My ideal girl is B.'

'All right. So that's… Three Bs, one C and one A,' said Remus, scribbling it down.

**4. On a Saturday night you…**

**A. Want to go to bed early and read a book**

**B. Snog a girl senseless**

**C. Prank! **

**D. Do whatever your friends are doing**

'C,' said the Marauders in unison.

'Which is funny, seeing as you all spent last Saturday night reading this,' said Lily.

'This is like a cosmic prank,' said Sirius. 'We're pranking with God.'

'Ah… right. Well, much as I like snogging girls senseless, I think I'm going for D,' said Lily. 'Even if that means reading stories of said friends being pregnant and suddenly female and me being a Demon Huntress.'

**5. What do you want to do after Hogwarts?**

**A. Study some more, discover more about Magic**

**B. Party all day, all night**

**C. Join the Order of the Phoenix and fight Voldemort**

**D. Become a traitorous little fuckhead that betrays his friends**

'Okay, what is that D about?' said Remus. 'The D's been like this the entire time; why would anyone choose this?'

'I have no idea. Because the quiz-makers are stupid?' said Sirius. 'Anyway, I'm a C again.'

'As am I,' said James.

'Same here,' said Remus.

'If you keep going on like this, you'll all end up the same Marauder,' said Lily. 'I'm C too, by the way.'

'I'm a B,' said Peter.

Sirius blinked. 'Are you now, Peter?'

'Hey, it said what I _wanted _to do. I'd like to party.' He shrugged. 'I'm not saying I _will _do this, just that I'd _like _to.'

**6. Your favourite means of transportation:**

**A. Walking, maybe go by train**

**B. Apparition**

**C. By broom**

**D. On someone else's expenses**

'What would this say about your Marauderness?' said James. 'Are we distinguishable by how we _get _somewhere? I'm a C, by the way.'

'I'm B,' said Sirius.

'A,' said Lily. 'If you all pick a different way, then yes, James, the means of transportation are a way of defining which Marauder you are.'

'I'm B,' said Remus.

'And I'm an A,' Peter said.

**7. My best quality…**

**A. My intelligence**

**B. My good looks**

**C. My loyalty**

**D. I have no good qualities**

'What is _wrong _with answer D?' Sirius said, disgusted.

Peter started to have an inkling of what it might be, but he tried to ignore it. There was no reason to assume they'd hate him that much – unless that 'traitor' answer said more about his future than he wanted to know…

'I don't know. I'm a C again,' said James.

'As am I,' said Sirius.

'Really? I thought you'd go for B,' said Remus.

Sirius rolled his eyes. 'I may be heart-stoppingly beautiful, Remus, but that doesn't mean it's the most important thing about me. Hell, my Animagus form is even a dog, an animal that's _known _for its loyalty. I'm C all the way.'

'Once again, I'm A,' said Lily. 'I think.'

'As am I,' said Remus.

Peter didn't think his best quality was in this list. He had loads of them; obedience, patience, empathy. Just not one that was named here. 'Er… C,' he said. 'Yeah, put me down for C.'

**8. Your worst quality**

**A. My self-loathing**

**B. My irresponsibility**

**C. My arrogance**

**D. My disloyalty**

'Fine, I'll be C again,' said James, running his hand through his hair. 'After years filled with Lily's rants, at least I _know_ I'm arrogant.'

Lily smiled. 'You're not that bad anymore,' she said.

'I have to be, otherwise I don't know what to answer to this question.'

'Is "lazy" somewhere in that list?' Lily said.

'Hey! I'm not lazy!'

'Ah, a young lover's quarrel,' said Sirius, unheard by James and Lily. 'Just wait until they relieve all that tension by kissing. And until then, make me a B.'

Remus wrote it down and put an 'A' after his own name.

'I guess I'm a B too,' said Peter. He wondered if maybe he was an A, but no, he didn't hate himself. Yeah, he sometimes felt inadequate, but all in all, he was a decent person. Right?

Right?

'Lily! What's your worst quality?' Sirius said. 'Apart from being a horrible cocktease?'

'I'm not a cocktease. And I'm… Shit, I guess I'm a C?' She thought about it. 'It has to be C, because the other ones _really _don't make any sense for me.'

**9. Kiss on a first date?**

**A. No, I want to get to know a girl first**

**B. Just kiss? Fuck!**

**C. Only if it's Evans**

**D. I can't even get dates**

'Let's make that a C for Prongs,' said Sirius. 'And… Mine isn't in there.'

'Not a B? I remember a certain indecent proposal you did to Siobhan only thirty minutes ago,' said Lily, raising her eyebrows.

'Yes, but I know Siobhan. Sleeping with a girl on the first date is a horrible idea, you'd lose all the tension,' said Sirius. 'So I'm an A, if "get to know a girl" means "enjoy sexual tension." Now, Lily – would you kiss Prongs on a first date?'

Lily glared at him. 'Make me an A,' she said.

'But you already know Prongs, so you could still kiss him on the first date,' said Sirius.

'Exactly.'

'I'm a B' said Peter. 'I would do it if I could, I think. And I've nothing against kissing on a first date.' So Remus wrote it down, while putting a D behind his own name.

**10. What's the most important thing in life?**

**A. Acceptance**

**B. Having fun**

**C. Your friends and family**

**D. Yourself**

'Is there anyone who doesn't vote for C?' said Remus.

'No,' came the answer from the others.

'Well, that was easy. All right, I'm going to look at the scores now.'

**James: CCCCCCCCCC**

**Sirius: CCBCCBCBAC**

**Peter: AABCBACBBC**

**Lily: AABDCAACAC**

**Remus: AAACCBAADC**

'And now… James, you've… only C's, which makes you…' Remus checked. 'James Potter! Wow, hadn't seen that one coming. Okay, the description is - '

'Who am I?' said Sirius. 'First tell us who we are, then you can tell us what it means.'

Remus sighed. 'Fine. You have… mostly Cs, which makes you… James as well.'

Sirius tightened his eyes. 'What do you mean, I'm _James_? First I was you, now I'm Prongs – why can't I just be myself? What is wrong with this? I'm Padfoot – why don't these quizzes know that?'

'Apparently you were the B-answers,' said Remus. 'Guess you weren't slutty enough to be yourself.'

'Ridiculous,' Sirius muttered.

'Peter, you've… Three As and three – no, _four _Bs, which means you're Sirius,' said Remus.

Sirius gasped and snatched the score sheet from Remus. '_What?_ How can Peter be me when I'm not? What _is _this? Peter, what have you _done_?'

'I don't know,' Peter said. 'I… I guess we're just very alike?'

'Please. You and I, we're light-years apart!'

Remus cleared his throat and retrieved the sheet. 'Lily, you are five As, which makes you me.'

She thought about it for a moment. 'That isn't too bad,' she said. 'How strange would it be if I were James? It would make him an incredible narcissist, wouldn't it?'

'Yeah, but now we just have lovely Moony/Prongs slash undertones,' said Peter. 'Much better!'

'Peter, don't start,' said James.

'So, Remus, who are you?' said Lily.

'I'm myself,' he said. 'So Prongs is himself, I'm myself, Padfoot is Prongs, Wormy is Padfoot, and Lily is me. That was an interesting outcome…'

'I don't like it. Why don't these tests get my awesomeness?' said Sirius. 'They all think I'm some sort of superficial sex-maniac. Hello, fanfiction writers! There's more to me than just that!' he shouted at the ceiling.

'At least I'm one hundred per cent me,' said James, looking at his score. 'That's comforting, even if… Sirius could be me too.'

'Yeah, well… guys? I'm going to leave you. I need to pack,' Lily said.

'Goodnight,' said Remus.

'Have a nice holiday and I'll see you in a week.' She got up, giving the pillow back to the bed. Looking at the Marauders – Sirius still muttering about being misunderstood, Remus clearing away the Companion, Peter stalking off to the bathroom and James just lying on his bed – she was filled with an incredible fondness for them all.

'James?' she said. 'Could I have a quick word with you before I go?'

It was a sign of Sirius's distress that he didn't leap up and tell her he knew she loved James all along.

'Sure,' said James, getting up and following Lily to the stairwell. He leaned against the cold stone wall, looking very sexy, and Lily hesitated just a moment – before remembering that he liked her. He really did. She could have a talk with him, no matter how sexy he was.

'I just wanted to… wish you a merry Christmas,' she said.

He looked puzzled. 'You just did, with the rest.'

'Yeah, well, I wanted to wish you, specifically, a merry Christmas. And, er, I hope you have a good time at Hogwarts. And… maybe write to me once?'

'If Sirius heard this, he'd say I was as good as married now,' said James.

'So don't tell him. Then again, I'm not the one who has to live with him…'

'I'm not going to tell him. So, er… Happy Christmas to you too, Lily. And I'll write,' he said, briefly touching her hand. 'But you'll only be gone a week, right?'

She felt awkward. How was she supposed to explain to him that a week was _long_? 'Yeah, I just… I'm off to bed now. Good night.' She kissed him on his cheek and then all but ran down the stairs.

'Good thing Sirius is in shock,' said Remus.

Touching the place where Lily had kissed him, James turned around and faced Remus. 'We'd better not tell him.'

'He won't hear a word from me.'

'Good.'

* * *

**A/N: So, which Marauder were you? Also, I really want them to read fanfiction with the typical fanfiction grammar/spelling problems, except that I can't write that. I just can't make myself write grammatical errors and more than a typo is not something I'm capable of. Would anyone be so brave as to write me a story with _My immortal_-esque (or maybe a little less) horrible English? And as always, I hope you enjoyed the chapter!**


	22. Black love

Remus woke up around eleven. He lay in his bed for a couple of minutes, his eyes still closed, and enjoyed the moment of peace. Right now he had nowhere to be, nothing to do, no one to talk to. The hardest decisions he had to make were when he was getting up, what he wanted for breakfast and what he would do afterwards. For now, life was perfect.

Thirty minutes or so later, he decided he was rather peckish, so he got up and took a long shower. By the time he finished it and re-entered his dormitory, he saw the rest of the Marauders were awake as well. James and Peter were both dressed and covered in snow, while Sirius was lying on his back and eating what looked like cake.

'Hey Moony,' said Peter. 'What's up?'

'I was just wondering what the two of you were doing awake already,' said Remus. He ran a hand through his wet hair and stifled a yawn. 'I'd have thought that on the first day of the Christmas break you wouldn't be out until one at least.'

'James got up early. Said he wanted to "enjoy the day",' said Peter, making quotation marks with his fingers. 'I reckon he just wanted a goodbye kiss from Lily, but he won't admit it.'

'I wanted to see her off,' said James. 'And it was enjoying the day!'

'I still think it's sick, getting up that early,' said Sirius.

James frowned. 'You don't know what time we got up.'

'It's before ten. That is ridiculously early, Prongs. Thanks for the cake, by the way. I think I'm just not going to get dressed today. Oh, I could stay in bed all day, do nothing but eat and eat more and annoy you for a bit and then eat _more_…' Grinning, Sirius delved into the stack of food that was at the foot of his bed.

'We brought you some, too,' said Peter, nodding at Remus's bed. 'Didn't know how hungry you were, so we just took loads.'

'Figured you could never have too much food,' said James. He sat down on Remus's bed and took one of the apples. 'You don't mind, do you?'

'No, go ahead.'

While Remus got dressed, the others discussed their plans for today. They all decided that Sirius's plan to stay in bed and do absolutely nothing all day seemed wonderful. Other than that they knew they wanted to read some of the Companion and maybe see if there was anyone in the school they could prank.

'When's the full moon again?' said Sirius, while James Summoned the Marauder. 'Wednesday, right?'

'Tuesday,' Remus said. 'Once again, guys, thank you so much for staying - '

Sirius rolled his eyes. 'Moony, don't be so grateful. It's not that big a sacrifice to stay here during Christmas. I mean, yeah, I've given up some of Dorea's lasagne, but other than that? Hogwarts is awesome!'

'Okay everyone – this story is called _Black Love_,' said James. 'Can we handle this?'

'I don't know, but by the grace of Circe, we will try,' said Sirius. 'Hit it, Prongs!'

'**Mr Black, Mr Snape, I would like to see both of you after class,' declares Slughorn, **

'Oh, man. I've read too much fanfiction. All I can think of right now is that they're going to be in some scary threesome,' said Peter, covering his eyes with his hands. 'And we're not even two sentences in.'

'You have a sick mind, Pete,' said James. 'There's _nothing _that implies there's going to be a three… some… with Slughorn. Dammit, now you've got me thinking about it as well! Thanks a lot.'

**five minutes before the bell rings. 'Report at my desk when you're done with your potions.'**

**James and Sirius exchange looks. **

'"James? Does it bother you if I have sex with Horace and Snape?"' said Remus. '"Do you want to come?"'

'Shut it, Miss Lupin.'

**James raises his eyebrows – **_**What is wrong? **_**Sirius shrugs – **_**I don't know**_**.**

'And there we saw wonderful nonverbal communication, written down in the most boring way imaginable,' said Peter. 'Is it just me, or is it annoying that it's written in present tense? It unnerves me. Like it's happening _right now_.'

'**Good luck, old chap,' James wishes him luck **

'Like I would say that! It's what "mate" is for! Or "lazy wanker" or maybe even "my friend". Only my dad says "old chap".'

**when the bell rings and everyone else is getting ready to leave. 'Want me to stay so he doesn't curse you?'**

'How chivalrous of you,' said Sirius.

'Yeah, it's his way of getting into your pants,' said Peter.

'WORMY! Stop it!' James said. 'What is it with you and gay subtext?'

'Remus is just as bad as I am!'

'Both of you will stop it, do you understand?'

'**I'll be fine. I can handle Snape,' muttered Sirius. 'See you in a bit.'**

**James nods and follows Remus and Pettigrew out of the classroom. Sirius walks to the desk, his hands in his pockets. He isn't looking forward to this at all; being around Snape makes him feel awkward at best. **

'"Awkward" – that's an understatement if I ever heard one,' said Sirius. 'I'd go for… nauseated. Or maybe disgusted. Possibly even horrified. '

'**You boys have got to stop behaving like this,' Slughorn announced, when Snape had joined their little group.**

'Hey, the author seems to have listened to you,' said Remus, looking at Peter. 'It's not present tense anymore. Man, that's bad form.'

'Yes, isn't it tacky?' said Sirius, rolling his eyes and flipping his hair. 'Like those dialogue tags, like, oh my god, right?'

'**All this cursing and shouting and bullying. It's not healthy for boys like you to be in fights with others like that.'**

'Why would it be _unhealthy_? I get why he wouldn't want us to, but it's not unhealthy,' said Sirius.

'I think someone has forgotten that time you landed in the hospital wing with dragon scales all over your skin,' said Remus. 'Or when Snape's arms were changed into bat's wings. Or when your hair was almost set on fire…'

**Sirius makes a noncommittal nod with his head, while Snape just stares at the floor. **

'And we've made a tense-switch again! Author, this isn't a matter of style – this is just plain wrong,' said Remus.

'**Come, now. I want you to shake hands and promise me you will play nicely in the future,' said Slughorn. **

'And again!'

'Okay, Remus, you've mentioned it, now you can start on the process of ignoring it,' said Peter. 'Those mean tense-switches aren't going to hurt you as long as you don't hurt them first.'

**Unwillingly, Sirius extends his hand to Snape, who shakes it. When their skins meet, Sirius feels a tingly sensation go from his palms through the rest of his body. **

'Is this subtext or is it text?' said Peter. 'What do you think, Prongs?'

'I think you should read the next sentence.'

_**Yugh, Snivelly germs**_**, he thinks, shaking his head as he thinks of all the diseases he might catch. **

'And that right there proves why Peter was wrong in ever even thinking about that threesome,' said Sirius, proud of his fanfiction self. 'Speaking of things that are unhealthy!'

'**Now that's all taken care of, you may go,' promises Slughorn, who is grinning broadly. 'And I expect to see the both of you as partners for my next class – **

'Partners,' said Peter, looking at Sirius.

'Wormy, don't be ridiculous, please. I've better things to do than ignore your attempts at horrifying me.'

**we're going to make a potion and I'm sure the two of you combined will be **_**magnificent**_**.'**

**Neither of the boys answers. They leave the classroom in silence; it is only when they have rounded a corner that Snape starts to speak. **

'**Don't think this changes anything, Black,' he says, his dark eyes scorching.**

'Of course it doesn't,'said Sirius. 'If it had changed every time after McGonagall reprimanded us, we'd be married by now.'

'I suggest you don't make jokes about that, Pads,' said James. 'In this universe, you just might end that way.'

'Or even pregnant,' said Remus. 'He might be germy, but hey, if he could knock up Prongs…'

'**I didn't,' says Sirius. 'You're still a slimy git.'**

'**And you're an insufferable brat.'**

'I am not! You stupid little - '

'**You're Batman without the coolness.'**

'What does that mean? I don't get the insult,' said Peter. 'Who is Batman? Is he cool?'

'I have no idea who Batman is. He sounds like Snivellus, though; he _would _be a bat. He even walks like one,' said Sirius.

'**You're Potter but without the skills.'**

'Hey, think Snape knows about your test results?' said Peter.

'**Arse.'**

'**Wanker.'**

'How eloquent you are,' Remus said. 'I can really feel the hatred. Are these the best insults fanfiction!you could come up with?'

'I'm disappointed in me as well,' said Sirius. 'But then again, I'm a busy and important man. I have better things to do than think of new insults for Snivellus.'

**They've stopped walking and are facing each other now, their faces aflush with their insults. **

'Moony, correct me if I'm wrong here, but is "aflush" a word?' said Peter.

'I think it is,' said Remus. 'Can't be sure.'

'It's embarrassing that Sirius blushes from those insults,' said James. 'I tell him worse things every day and he never blushes to me!'

'It might be a sign of sexual tension,' said Peter, before Sirius could stop him.

'Let me get something clear,' said Sirius. 'There isn't – never was, never will be – any sexual tension between Snape and me, because Snape is the most revolting thing on this planet after my mother, and because I am straight, and because it's just gross. Wormtail, if you ever make a comment on it again, I will hit you.'

'I'm just expressing what we're all thinking,' said Peter.

**Again, Sirius could feel something brewing in his stomach.**

'Yeah, vomit,' Sirius said.

**As their eyes, grey, like limpid tears, **

'Gah! Not that again!'

**and black, like the darkest night, stare into each other, **

'Were those interruptions really necessary, author?' said Remus. 'Couldn't you just say "grey and black"? Or even just say "their eyes"? This really interrupts the flow of your story.'

'Right now, _you're _interrupting the flow of the story,' said James. 'Just let me read, okay?'

**Severus opens his mouth to say something. **

'But he was distracted by the vomit that was suddenly covering all of his robes,' said Sirius.

'Something much better, mate,' said James, reading ahead. 'This is priceless.'

**But his words are lost. Because in that one moment, that millisecond in which they really looked at each other, Sirius knows what had been bothering him so about Snape.**

'You mean apart from sudden switches in tense?' said Remus, clenching his hand into a fist.

'I know what bothers me about him,' said Sirius. 'I don't have to look at him to know that. I dislike the way he looks, the way he acts, this scary way of walking he has, the fact that he doesn't even know what personal hygiene is, his ideas of wizard superiority, the fact he calls people Mudbloods – see? All those from the top of my head and I'm not even looking at him!'

'Unfortunately, that's not what you think here,' said James, holding up the Companion. His broad grin was the surest sign for Remus to assume bad things were coming. Bad, hilarious things.

**It wasn't that he was a Slytherin;**

'Oh, I dislike that about him, too. Yeah, forgot to add that one,' said Sirius. 'Good one, fanfiction.'

**it wasn't that he was always hanging out with scary types; it wasn't even his unfashionable hair.**

Sirius was nodding along with the narrative; he wasn't even bothered by the sudden tense shift. He could only agree with what his fanfiction!self said here. So many things about Snape that annoyed him, listed here. 'Good writing, this.'

**No, Sirius Black hated Severus Snape because he loved him more than life itself.**

Sirius blinked. Looked at James. Shook his head. Felt a bit queasy. 'Prongs, you are going to tell me that you just made that up, right? Right?'

'Oh, if only,' said James. 'Gee, Pads, if I'd known _this _was why you disliked Snivelly so much, I would've set up a date for you ages ago!'

'Don't,' Sirius whispered. 'Prongs, don't. Not now. Not with this.'

'"More than life itself",' said Peter. 'That's a lot.'

'All those feelings, repressed for so many years,' Remus said. 'You can admit them to us now, Sirius. We won't judge.'

'Except when we laugh our heads off,' said James.

'And when we vomit at the thought,' said Peter.

'Other than that, we won't judge you,' Remus said. 'Not much.'

**Without hesitation he lurched forward, **

'And hit Snape in his face?' Sirius whimpered.

**pulled Severus closer to him and pressed his mouth to his. **

'This is a thousand times worse than when this happened with Moony,' said Sirius. He had gone pale. 'There are no words for this horror.'

**Their tongues battled for dominance **

'Not that sentence again,' said Peter. 'Although I guess it does mean something when they use the same description for Lily and James as for Snape and Sirius. Just imagine how big your love for Lily must be, Prongs, if it can be compared to a passion like this!'

**and as Snape ran his hands through Sirius's long, lush hair, they both knew that this was life, this was love, this was everything.**

'It is all the horrible things I ever thought of – put into one small paragraph,' said Sirius. 'By the mighty underpants of Merlin, never had I thought I'd come across something as dreadful as this. With Snivellus! SNIVELLUS! WHY?'

'Maybe we should just… leave him alone for a second,' said Peter, eyeing Sirius's greenish colour. 'He looks as if he might vomit.'

James sighed. 'You and Moony can go and get some food – I think I need to be here, support him, that kind of thing. Just in case it all becomes too much and he decides… I don't know, to off himself, or something.'

'He takes this even worse than you did being pregnant with his child,' said Remus.

'Probably because me being pregnant from him is _really _impossible, while this… might… happen?' James shrugged and then he waved his hand in front of Sirius's face; he got no response. 'Hey, Moony, do you think we should slap him?'

'Not unless you want to die,' said Remus.

Sirius started shaking his head. 'Don't worry. I'm fine. Sort of,' he said. 'Just… please distract me? Let's go outside. Let's go eat. Let's go do our homework. Just – make me forget this. Please?'

Remus smiled. If there was anything the Marauders were good at, it was distracting each other. It had worked when Remus was worried about being a werewolf; it had worked when Peter had worried about his weight; it had worked countless times when James had been rejected by Lily; and now it would work to heal Sirius's poor, abused soul.


	23. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

**A/N: Story they read - a named-changed version of Thirty Hs - might be offensive. Don't read this if you don't think you'll... I don't know. Like it? Be able to handle it? Next chapter will be child-friendly again. As much as I ever am, anyway.**

* * *

'Prongs, you old wanker, where've you been?' said Sirius when James came through the doors of the Hospital Wing. 'I've found the most amazing story and now we had to wait for you!'

'Sorry. Just posting my letters,' said James. 'My mum says hi to you all, by the way.'

'Ah, Dorea,' said Sirius, who'd already forgiven James. 'And your love letter to Evans?'

'It's not a love letter. But I sent that too.'

'But the story!' said Peter, waving his arms. 'He wouldn't tell us what it was about until you got here – but he says it's funnier than Moony being a girl.'

'Is it another Sirius/Snape fic?' said James as he took a seat next to Remus's bed. 'Moony, are you up to something like that, just before Wolfing? Won't it make everything a thousand times worse if you think of the pair of them snogging?'

'The only thing that'll hurt are my ribs, from laughter,' said Remus. 'Sirius, bring us the story.'

'Yeah! Okay, It's called – or _Thirty Ms _for short. It's got Lily and Moony listed as the characters and apparently you,' he looked at James, 'are going to drink tea with a famous writer.'

'Only Sirius could find something like that,' said James.

**Peter relished his groinsaw's roar **

''Sorry, my what?' said Peter.

Sirius grinned broadly. 'Your groinsaw, Pete. I guess it's a saw that grows out of your crotch?'

'Why, that's a good start,' said Remus. 'Nothing like groinsaws to start a story!'

**as he withdrew the flesh-choked blade from the astronaut's ruined skull.**

'What on _earth _have I been doing?' said Peter. 'What - ?'

'Well, it's with an astronaut; maybe you weren't doing it on earth,' said James.

'Oh, thanks Prongs. Now it makes sense?'

**He turned to James, thrusting his bloody, retina-covered pelvis with elfin fervor.**

'Is this… some sort of mating dance?' said Remus.

'Don't know. I'm more worried about how I seem to have turned into an elf,' said Peter. 'And that I'm covered in retinas. What – what _is _this?'

**"How does Padfoot taste, master?"**

'Oh, shit, am I snogging Sirius? Please don't let that be it,' said James.

Sirius read ahead and wasn't sure whether to grin or be shocked. 'You're not snogging me. That's about the only good thing.'

**James spat out an eyeball. "Like some kid with eyes."**

'… like limpid tears?' said Remus, thinking a sentence like that wouldn't harm anyone at this point.

'I was eating Padfoot?' said James. 'I was _eating_…?'

'And then you observed that I tasted like I had eyes. Well done, Prongs.'

**Peter ducked an astronaut's poison barbed fist, digging his groinsaw into the beast's abdomen **

'Wait – what beast?' said Peter. 'What am I killing?'

'Prongs?' Sirius surmised. 'He turned into a cannibal, I'd say you were a beast then. And does it count as intercourse if Pete's doing it with his groinsaw?'

'It would explain James's pregnancy,' said Remus.

'Remus, this story doesn't explain anything,' James said.

**and letting the spray of viscera wash over his elfin space armor. The skulls' eye sockets on his shoulders grew brilliant with an infernal cast and vomited a bolt of light through an astronaut; he was thrown back against the deathwall, his flesh boiling in another dimension.**

'I'm not sure if I'm very cool or very fucked up in this,' said Peter, with awe in his voice. 'I mean, it's sick, but how many people can make someone's flesh boil in another dimension?'

'Remind me never to get on your bad side,' said James. 'I'd hate to see what you'd do to me then.'

**James slapped Peter, who giggled.**

'Slapping me is a way of getting on my bad side,' said Peter.

'Nah, I want to bet it's kinky,' said Sirius. 'Strange space BDSM sex between you and Prongs.'

'As opposed to _normal _space BDSM sex between Pete and James?' said Remus.

'Yeah, exactly!'

**James reminded himself to kill himself later.**

'… wut?'

'Guilt over what you've just done,' said Peter.

**"Master, look out!"**

'Master? Oh, this is very kinky indeed,' said Sirius.

**Peter's groinsaw screamed as it flew off the armor, rocketing through the air like an early dream of mankind. **

'I wonder what that must look like,' Remus said.

**It flew through three astronauts who dropped their hellspears as the saw cut a hole in the ground beneath them so they fell to hell and the demonic spheres rape them to this day, boys and girls.**

'And that was chapter one,' said Sirius. 'I… do we want another chapter of this? I mean, I'm intrigued – flabbergasted, but intrigued.'

'As am I. What was the author thinking while he wrote this?' said Peter. 'Just… what? '

**Chapter 2**

**"Now, Peter."**

**Peter knelt before his master.**

'I hate subtext,' Peter muttered.

**James withdrew his guitar, **

'I have a guitar? Cool!'

**Fuckslayer, **

'Not so sure about the name, though…'

Sirius stared at him. 'Prongs, are you crazy? Fuckslayer is an awesome name for a guitar!'

**from a dimension where all screamed for naught.**

'What was my guitar doing there?'

**Wrought from the silver heart of heaven's false promise, laced with vessels that pulsed with angel's menstrual blood, hewn from the horns of Satan's generals, it laughed as it was set loose, a laugh that only James could hear, but no one could share.**

'Great, my demonic, semi-heavenly, bloody guitar named Fuckslayer is a psychopath only I can hear. This is just great.'

**James swung the guitar through Peter's chicken neck.**

Peter's hand shot up to his neck. 'Ow!'

'I'm sorry, Pete,' said James.

'Look at it from the bright side – at least he didn't eat you,' said Sirius. 'I wonder when Moony and Lily are appearing in this story… They should be the protagonists, after all.'

'Maybe Lily Evans: Demon Huntress and Protector of Hogwarts is coming to kill this abomination that has taken over our beloved Prongs?' Remus said. 'While I… wait somewhere and hope you don't send me to dimensions where all screaming was for naught?'

**He took the head of his fallen dwarfslave **

'And again, thanks,' said Peter. 'I might be short, I'm not a dwarf! And I'm not your slave either!'

'Peter, you can't really get mad at _me_,' said James. 'Even in my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine something like this. And that's saying something, because my dreams are very weird.'

**and tore open his stomach, stuffing the head inside. James vomited steam **

'You should have that looked at,' said Sirius gravely. 'Can't be healthy, Prongs.'

**and summoned a great meteor from space to smash into Hogwarts and kill everyone there, **

'Wait, what? Why?' said Remus. 'Huh?'

**for no reason at all. **

'He… that isn't really in there… is it?'

Sirius shrugged. 'Believe it or not, Moony, but it is.'

'After all those fanfictions, I believe it.'

**A vision then appeared. **

'Oh, blimey. No. Please don't make him prophetic as well,' said Sirius. 'He's strange enough as it is!'

**It was Dumbledore, **

'This is going to be bad,' said Peter. 'Real bad.'

'If Prongs can do all those things, Dumbledore must be like God,' said Sirius. 'I really want to see what he can do!'

**entombed in his cursed mummy armor,**

'It's a good start!'

**calling James from his Moonbase which wasn't on a moon.**

Sirius hesitated. 'Guys, is this cool or is it retarded?'

'It's Dumbledore – let's give him the benefit of the doubt,' said Peter.

**"James, you must rock the fuck out."**

The corners of James's mouth twitched. 'Imagine Dumbledore saying that. It would be… the best.'

**James channeled his rage through Fuckslayer. The angel blood boiled as he summoned the great meteor, swathed with the blood of the tiny fucklings at Hogwarts, leapt onto it, and flew into space. **

'Am I awesome or am I a psychopath? Either way, I'm soaring through space!'

'After killing everyone at Hogwarts, and Peter, and eating Sirius,' said Remus. 'An awesome psychopath?'

**He encased the entire meteor in a wreath of holy fuckfire and flew through Mercury, killing the fuck out of it. **

The four boys were silent for a while.

'I just killed the fuck out of a planet,' said James.

'You just killed the fuck out of a planet,' Sirius said. 'I just can't… picture anything with this, except for an explosion of awesome.'

'And madness. Don't forget the madness,' said Peter.

**Then he sent Mercury's carcass into Venus, killing the fuck out of it and making every vagina in the galaxy explode, **

'Good God,' said Remus. 'What is this?'

'Lily's first appearance?' said Peter.

**and inside every vagina a booby sang of mortal life's fleeting precipice.**

**James then did fly his meteor through space, punching astral vampires in half with his fists encased in fuckfire **

'This is both so bad and so cool,' said James.

'Question is, what were those vampires doing in space in the first place?' said Remus.

**and throwing their ruined heads into the past **

'Because I'm just that cool. I can make vampires travel through time!'

**where they bit cavemen on mars so that history changed and now there are vampire cavemen on mars. James received another vision from Frumblegore, **

'From _who_?'

'Frumblegore,' said Sirius. 'Albus's long-lost twin?'

**who was having tea and chumpits with the president of Pangea.**

**"Care to have tea, James?"**

'"Ah, I see you just changed history and fought astral vampires. Fancy a cup of tea?"' said Peter. 'What's a chumpit?'

**"You know how I hate chumpits."**

'As much as you hate the rest of the universe?' said Remus.

'Well, that was chapter two,' said Sirius. 'Who wants to know more about Prongs, the vampire-burning, planet-destroying, chumpit-hating madman?'

**Chapter 3**

**James slammed his book shut. **

'What would this James be reading?' said Remus. '"The ten fastest way of killing everyone on earth"?'

'Nah, probably _The Marauders' Companion_,' said Peter. 'It's the only thing that could inspire something like this.'

**It wasn't really a book, because the pages were made of lasers and the words were made of headless women making godless love to dragons made out of motorcycles, but it was still reading.**

'I… does anyone… want to say something about this?' said Remus. 'Because this… has to be the strangest thing in the story thus far. And considering what we've read…'

'I am curious,' Sirius said. 'If dragons are made out of motorcycles, what happens when they blast fire? Is it made by the motorcycles? Or do they have the right bodily fluids even though they're made out of motorcycles? Do all the motorcycles get burned, or molten, or whatever happens when you light them on fire? Or is the fire made out of motorcycles as well and do the dragons then, in fact, vomit free motorcycles? Could I have one?'

James started at him. 'I ate you. You haven't even got eyes anymore, because I spit them out. You can't drive a motorcycle, Padfoot.'

**"Gumbledorp, if you don't stop, we'll starve, **

'Wait, what? How did this happen?' said Peter. 'How did Albus's twin brother get in here? What should he stop? Weren't there tea and crumpits only a couple of lines ago?'

'Yeah, but Prongs won't eat them,' Remus said. 'Maybe only he will starve, but he's talking about himself in the royal plural.'

**and no one will be around to kill everyone in the universe if we get around to bringing everyone back to life after we killed them."**

'Holy – say what?' James said. 'Am I that much of a… I'm not sure if I should say "psychopath" or "god" or "creature"… But what is this? Why would I kill everyone, bring them back and kill them again?'

'Because you can, Prongs,' Sirius said. 'Because you can.'

**"I am no longer Scrumblegort."**

'You're Dumbledore again?' said Peter. 'I hope he is.'

**The ancient man dropped some of the planets he was juggling.**

'Dumbledore juggling planets…. Is it awesome or is it mad?'

'This is awesome,' said Sirius. 'Definitely awesome.'

**"The worlds have shifted. I am Dumblecop, of the Darkmeal."**

**He flexed one of his legs, which was made of pistols, and kicked a planet in half.**

'… How big is that leg? For that matter, how big is Dumbledore?' said Remus. 'Doesn't it hurt, kicking planets in half?'

**"Bugger your Darkmeal, faggart of a thousand suns."**

Sirius let out his barking laugh. 'Oh, I'm going to keep that one. You faggart of a thousand suns! It has a certain… poetry to it, doesn't it?'

**Dumblecop sniffed.**

**"And what of it? Is it a sin, should a man feel like faggarting a sun or a thousand? Why should the suns heave through the void, if not to be skewer't bypon ourn fagpoles?"**

'What the hell did that mean?' Peter said.

'I have no idea,' said James, looking quite forlorn.

**James cast a glance at the book. Unsavory sounds emanated from a particularly damned chapter. He was hungry. He looked at a nearby cup. It had a faded brown film on the bottom. He thought about chumpits.**

'And thus endeth the third chapter,' said Sirius, closing the book. 'I suggest we take a break from reading this, before our brains are burnt like they have been scorched by the holy Fuckfire of Fuckslayer.'

'I so hope I don't think about this tonight,' said Remus. 'The last thing I need is to give my wolf-form inspiration.'

'Inspiration to do what? Kill the fuck out of planets?' said Peter. 'Or kill everyone just to kill them again later?'

'There is so much wrong with that story,' said James. 'I long for the days when we just read about Mary Sues and thought they were strange. This? There are no words for it.'

'And that's the best description you could give,' said Remus.

* * *

**A/N: Yes, I've written badfic, but this one isn't mine. It's by SecondPillow and originally called . I just... I couldn't /not/ use it. In the original, James is Harry, Peter is Dobby and Sirius is Ron. **

**I keep forgetting just how horrible that story is. At least we didn't get to the part with the Rape Ape... Anyway, I hojpe you enjoyed it and that your brains are still more or less intact after that beautiful piece of badfic!**


	24. Serenity Starr and the Kings of Time

'What is Prongs _doing _all the time?' Sirius said, looking at James Potter's dot on the Marauder's Map. 'In the Owlery again – how many letters does Dorea send?'

'I don't know,' Remus mumbled. His eyes were closed and he was hoping it would take James a while to get here. Sirius was adamant they read another story from the Companion, but after yesterday's horrible, _horrible _story and last night's full moon, Remus wasn't sure if he could handle another 'story'.

He must've dozed off, because the next thing he knew was Sirius shouting, 'Prongs! How is Dorea?'

Remus opened his eyes to a very confused James holding a letter in one hand and his Gryffindor hat in another.

'What's with my mum?' he said, throwing the hat on the bed next to Remus's.

'Weren't you in the Owlery?' said Sirius.

James frowned. 'Yes…?'

'So, didn't you get a letter -' Sirius stopped. His eyes twinkled and his lips curled up in his trademark smirk. 'Aaah, of course. You didn't get a letter from my dear Dorea.' So fast James didn't have time to react, Sirius reached out and snatched the letter from his hand. 'It's a looove letter from the beautiful Miss Evans!'

'Ooh, Prongs!' Peter wiggled his eyebrows. 'What does it say?'

'Padfoot, give it back,' said James, holding out his hand. 'Now.'

'I think… not.' Sirius jumped on Remus's bed and, looking down upon his minions, he started orating. '"_Dearest James, all I can say is just… _what_? Vampires in space? Dragons made out of motorcycles? I don't think I want to know what else you Marauders get up to when I'm not around._" Ah, dammit, Lily! That sounds nasty!'

James rolled his eyes and beckoned for Sirius to give the letter back. 'No one's forcing you to read it.'

'"_Here things aren't as interesting – I'm not sure if that's a bad thing, though. Petunia's boyfriend comes over for dinner every night and he's driving me up the wall. He's about the size of a small whale and smells like one, too._"' Sirius stopped. 'Hey, Petunia, wasn't she that girl that used a love potion on all of – hey!'

James had used a silent Summoning Charm to retrieve his letter, which flew out of Sirius's hand. 'Sorry, Pads. But it's none of your business.'

'I want to bet the rest of it is die hard porn,' said Sirius, coming down from the bed.

'Oh, yeah, Lily and I always send each other long erotic letters. So, you wanted to do another story?' said James, taking a seat and turning it so he was sitting on it backwards, his arms and chin lying on the backrest.

'Something easy, so Remus won't die,' said Peter.

'A nice Mary Sue fic?' said Sirius.

Remus groaned and pulled his duvet over his face. 'Just something that doesn't involve exploding vaginas,' he said.

'Gotcha.' Sirius read through the index page, until he came to a story that sounded like it was about a Mary Sue; '_Serenity Starr and the Kings of Time_'. He went to the right page, skimmed the story and nodded. Yes, this was an appropriate story for a post-moon day.

**Hi! **

'Hello!' said Peter. 'Polite story.'

**My name is Serenity Sapphire Starr, **

'Think her parents were on drugs when they named her?' said James.

'I've read worse,' said Peter. 'At least this one doesn't have apostrophes dangling in the middle of a name.'

**but I hate my name, so I just go by Ren. I have long, golden hair that flows down to my waist like a liquid-gold waterfall. **

'I hate knowing she is Mary Sue,' said Sirius. 'Now I can't picture a hot girl with blond hair, but I'm stuck with Remus's voice in my head, saying "this is a bad character. You mustn't write things like her."'

'Sorry,' said Remus, getting out of his hiding place.

**There is also a scar on my cheek that I really really hate. **

'Really really?' said James.

'Really _really _really?' said Sirius.

'Really really -' started Peter.

'Guys, stop it. Yes, really. Now cut it out.'

**I have yellow eyes like limpid tears, **

Sirius gasped and pointed at the parchment as if it had personally offended him. 'No! Those are mine! First Remus stole them, now you – what is this? And what kind of scary tears are _yellow_?'

**something people always comment on, since no normal person has eyes that color.**

Remus coughed. 'Sue!'

**The thing is, I'm not a normal person. **

'At least she _knows _she's a bad character to write,' said James. 'Does that make it better?'

'Her eyes were yellow, like limpid tears,' Peter said. 'Nothing can make that better.'

**My father, a very influential wizard (I'm a pureblood) **

'Boo!' Sirius said.

'Sirius, you're a Pureblood,' said Peter. 'So am I. And James.'

'Yes, but we don't mention it every two seconds, do we? All the inbreeding – it leads to Sues. Luckily, we only have insanity in our branch of the family; I'd die if I were related to a Mary Sue.'

**offended the werewolf Fenrir Greyback (Yeah, the one that bit Remus!) **

Remus blinked. 'Okay, that was random information thrust upon us…'

**and one night, when I was one, he bit me. **

Remus's jaw dropped. 'What? No. That's not possible. He would've eaten you. You can't just bite a one-year-old; they wouldn't survive the transformation.' He shook his head, then realized something else. 'And she's stealing my life story! That's – more or less – what happened to me!'

Sirius prodded Remus in the ribs. 'Does that mean we should worry about you turning out to be a Mary Sue as well?'

**I never even had the chance to be a normal child. I've been a werewolf for as long as I can remember. **

'And there I was, thinking you'd have memories from before you were one,' said James, smacking his forehead with his hand. 'How silly I am!'

**I'm fourteen now, but I never went to school before because I was really scared of being rejected by any friends I might have made. Mom home-schooled me instead, and I was really good at everything even though I didn't really try because learning is for nerds.**

'I suppose that's where the comparison with Remus ends,' said Peter. 'Learning is for nerds, indeed.'

'I think it's really weak she didn't even try to go to school to make friends,' said Sirius. 'Just look at Remus – he's got us! That's how you do it, bitch!'

**I was really nervous, because today was my first day at Hogwarts. I woke up early, brushed my hair and put a ribbon in it, and picked out my outfit. **

Sirius yawned. 'I don't care. Get on with it already.'

**I put on a soft blue top with sequins on it and designer with embroidered flowers. **

'I agree with Sirius,' said James. 'We don't care what you wear!'

**I pulled on my black ballet flats and put on a little concealer. **

'Good gracious,' said Peter. 'Will this ever end?'

**(My eyes still had dark circles underneath them from last night's full moon.) **

'Well, at least that was some useful information,' said Remus. 'Random as it might seem.'

'Yeah, but it's the only useful part. Just you see,' Sirius said.

**I also put on sparkly eye shadow, even though I don't normally I then skipped happily down to breakfast.**

**"Good morning, mom!" I chirped as I sat down.**

Remus flinched. 'Oh no. I feel bad dialogue tags coming on. Just what this story needed.'

**"Good morning, darling!" My mom cooed as she put a plate of food in front of me. I began to wolf it down (get it?) quickly.**

Sirius placed a hand over his heart. 'Let us have a moment of silence for that horrible joke.'

**Platform 9 3/4 was crowded with students. **

Peter jerked up. 'What? I thought we were having breakfast with her mum?'

'Y-yeah… well… not anymore. I guess,' said Sirius, rereading the previous sentences. 'Nope, this really is the transition. It's a new paragraph, though, so… maybe… that makes it… never mind. I won't pretend to understand this story.'

**Mom kissed me goodbye (my dad left us after I was bitten) **

'I hate, hate, _hate _it when writers put that kind of information between brackets! Make it clear from the narrative,' Remus said. 'Now all this story needs is random tense-switches and vampire cavemen on Mars and it truly will be the death of me!'

**and I set off to look for a compartment. My midnight black owl, Midnight, **

'That's a horribly uncreative name for an owl,' said James. 'Also, midnight black? As compared to… what? A different kind of black? They're all the same! You don't have several shades of black – then it would be grey!'

**hooted softly at me as I chose an empty compartment and sat down.**

**Sirius POV**

'Dammit,' Sirius said. 'I just hope she does me justice.'

**I pushed James, snorting at him. "You idiot, everyone knows that The Magic Bagpipes are way better than Celestina Warbeck!"**

'Or… not. I'm not saying I like Warbeck, but by Merlin, she's better than The Magic Bagpipes! Why would I talk about them at all?'

**"Are you kidding?" James gushed as we made our way to our usual compartment. "The only better looking girl in this world-no, this galaxy, than Celestina Warbeck is Lily Evans!"**

'I can think of a lot of girls who are better-looking than Celestina Warbeck,' said James. 'Like Peter.'

'Hey!'

'McGonagall,' said Sirius.

'Moaning Myrtle,' Remus said.

**"Here we go again," Remus grumped, rolling his yellow eyes. **

'Please don't tell me my eyes are like limpid tears, too,' said Remus. 'And why are my eyes yellow? Seriously?'

**He looked like crap, still beat up from the full moon the night before.**

'At least that much is true,' said Remus. 'Though I doubt I'd be taking the train if it had been a full moon just the night before…'

**"Did you know that we're going to get married and have two kids, Harry James and Hannah Lily?" James continued. I sighed. James had had a crush on Lily Evans since the day he first saw her. **

'I wonder… would it be necessary for me to narrate that?' said Sirius, tapping the book. 'Judging from _all _those stories that have James shagging Lily, it seems to me that people _know_ he's fancied her for years.'

'Well, yes, but I didn't start fancying her until third year,' said James. 'So maybe they felt the need to specify this, as it's wrong and obviously a deviation from canon.'

**Me, on the other hand, not so much. **

'No, it would be strange if I'd fancied Lily too,' said Sirius.

'Just imagine the fights…' Peter said dreamily. 'It would be epic.'

'Yeah, well, no one seems to think Evans and I would make a good couple, except for one person who also thinks Lily should dye her hair black and pink. I think we can safely say Lily and I aren't meant to be.' Sirius shrugged. 'Besides, when she's writing such love letters to Prongs, what chance have I?'

**I'd kissed lots of girls at Hogwarts, but none of them was exactly my type. **

'Why do I always sound like a slut?' Sirius said. 'Always? I'm handsome, not promiscuous!'

**Remus and Peter never kissed anyone, Remus because he was afraid of rejection and Peter because he wasn't very attractive.**

**I pulled open the door to the compartment that we usually sat in, only to find the most beautiful girl in the world was already sitting there. **

'Barf, barf,' said James. 'Also, this sounds very familiar. Wasn't this almost the same in _Ariana Riddle_?'

'I think it's a standard format,' said Remus. 'Describe looks, describe source of angst, be lonely in compartment, be visited by us, who are shocked by your beauty. We should research it, see how often it happens and what different traumas they have…'

**She was slender, with curves in all the right places and long legs. Her blond hair flowed down her back like a shimmering waterfall. **

'Using _that _description twice? That's just tacky,' said Remus.

'I can't believe people believe I'd actually think like that,' Sirius said.

**There was an ugly scar on her cheek, but it didn't diminish her beauty for a second. **

'"After a minute, however, looking at it became rather jarring,"' said Peter. '"So the Marauders got up and left."'

'I don't think we're that lucky,' said Sirius.

**She looked at us with yellow eyes like limpid tears. **

'GAH!' Sirius threw the book across the room, almost hitting James in the face. 'TWICE! She's used it TWICE! She's making _me _think it! About _someone else_! No! WHAT IS THIS TRIPE?'

'So much for "we're taking it easy with just a Mary Sue,"' said Peter, while James Summoned the book.

**I realized right then that she was a werewolf like Remus. Huh.**

'One: I didn't just think "Huh" – it's not what I do. Two: What in the name of Eleanor of Aquitaine does that mean? Werewolves have yellow eyes – what?' Sirius looked around. 'Moony, have you got contacts?'

'No. This doesn't make any sense at all,' said Remus, frowning. 'Why would your eye colour change when you become a werewolf?'

**"Well, hello," I said smoothly, sitting next to her and smoothing my hair. **

Remus winced. 'Using "smooth" twice. Oh, the tackiness…'

'Sirius sounds a bit like one of those slick, greasy guys you always see in cheap pubs,' said Peter. 'With their hair gelled back and a constant, "I'm going to rape you"-smile on their faces…'

**"I'm Sirius, Sirius Black. Who are you?"**

**The girl blushed prettily, looking down. "Serenity Starr, but you can call me Ren," she whispered. She held out a slender hand and I took it, holding on for a moment longer than necessary, relishing the softness of her skin.**

'Yup, I get the "I'm going to rape you"-vibe,' said Sirius. 'I prefer being slutty to being like this.'

**"Hi Ren, I'm James Potter," James said as he sat next to me. He ruffled his hair, making her laugh. **

'Because that's so funny?' said Peter.

'It isn't,' Sirius said to James. 'Just thought I'd let you know, before you get any ideas.'

**Her laugh sounded like the chiming of a bell.**

'That must be some seriously fucked-up vocal chords she's got,' said James. 'What has she done to them that they sound like _that_? Metallic and inhuman.'

**"Remus Lupin," Remus said quietly as he sat across from me. His eyes lingered on hers and she gasped softly.**

**"You're a werewolf, aren't you?" she whispered. **

'Hello to you too,' said Remus. 'This is just plain rude. You can't go around asking people this! Besides, how on earth did I keep my secret if everyone can just _see _I'm a werewolf because I have these messed-up eyes?'

**Remus nodded.**

**"Yeah, I am. But so are you, aren't you?" he asked. She nodded, looking down.**

**"I can leave, if you want," she murmured.**

'Please do,' said Peter.

**"Please don't," I begged. **

'I don't "beg"! Especially not for someone like _her _to stay in _our _compartment,' said Sirius.

**"We don't mind, I mean, we've been friends with Moony for ages now and never wanted to leave-"**

**"Except when he keeps telling us to study," James joked, and we all laughed. "We used to have another friend, Peter, but he got stuck in a chimney using Floo powder and died last week." **

'Oh. Okay. Gee. Thanks,' Peter said. He wasn't as shocked as the first time he read fanfiction hating him like this – but he still didn't understand. What had he done that everybody hated him so_?_ 'I like you too! What is _with _these people?'

'I'm sure we'll find out, if we just read enough fanfiction,' said Remus. 'If we're still sane by that time is another matter…'

**"Oh, that's so awful!" Ren gasped. She looked like she was about to cry.**

**"Oh, it's alright, Ren," I soothed. "He wasn't a very good friend anyway."**

'Wh – wh - ' Peter had turned red with outrage. 'Oh come _on!_'

'This is the second time you died and I was just "Oh, whatever",' said Sirius, looking at Peter. 'What kind of friend do they think I am? I care! Oi! Fanfiction writers! I CARE! And Peter _is _a good friend!'

**"Oh," Ren shrugged. "Okay, then."**

**"Anyway, we're working on becoming Animagi to help Remus with his transformations," James smirked. **

James facepalmed. 'Good lord, I'm thick here, aren't I? "Hey, let's just tell our big secret to this completely random chick we've known for all but two seconds!"'

**"We haven't gotten it yet, but we're pretty close!"**

'It's "got,"' Remus said. 'Not "gotten", you stupid Americans!'

**We spent the rest of the train ride laughing and joking, and I could tell we would be great friends. **

'But then the Marauders used her for a pagan sacrifice ritual to get Peter back and she died,' said Sirius. 'The end!'

James grinned, but continued reading.

**I hoped it would turn into something more, though. Ren was perfect for me, and I for her.**

'Why always me?' said Sirius. 'Why? Why am I the shallow, uncaring, slutty one who ends with Mary Sues? I flirt with girls. That does _not _make me an egoistical sex maniac with bad taste!'

**When the train stopped in Hogsmeade, Ren had to leave to go with the first years.**

**"Bye, Artemis!" I murmured.**

'AND I DON'T MURMUR!'

**"Artemis?" she inquired.**

**"Yeah, it's your new Marauders nickname!" I gushed. "See you at the feast?"**

'Oh, no. She didn't just get a Marauder nickname,' said James. 'That's just ridiculous. You need to _earn _those nicknames! Besides, naming yourself after a deity is maybe just a teeny tiny bit arrogant.'

**"Sure," she leaned forward and kissed me briefly on the cheek before disappearing into the crowd. I stood there, dumbfounded, staring after her.**

James slammed the book shut. 'And that's the end of it. Horrible as it might have been -'

'– it wasn't as bad as Thirty Ms,' said Remus. 'But oh, the Sueness! The dialogue tags! The characterization! Everything just _hurt!_'

'Moony, you need to rest,' said Peter. 'We shouldn't be bothering you with nightmares like this. Sorry.'

'Yeah, sorry, Moony,' said James. 'When you're better, we'll do a _really _good story. Not one that's only not-horrible in comparison.'

'Can't wait,' Remus said. 'Now sod off so I can sleep.'

* * *

**A/N: Another classic Mary Sue, so your brains can have a moment's peace. This one is originally called _Serenity the Mary Sue_ (i have edited two or three things to make it worse, though) and written by Dndchk, who was so gracious as to let me borrow it! I know it's similar to Ariana Riddle, but I thought it would be funny to see their reactions now they're more aware of what they're reading. **

**Also, I notice I get a lot of requests for stories with Harry in it, so I thought I'd just post it here: maybe one or two will come along eventually, but as it's the Marauders' Companion, it's filled with Marauder-era fanfiction, and Harry just wasn't born back then. Sorry!  
**

**I hope you enjoyed the chapter and this is the end of my long rant. Adieu!  
**


	25. Harry Potter Prequel

Sirius looked at his reflection; his new leather jacket looked good. Very good. 'I'm going to look so badass once I've got a motorcycle,' he said, turning to look at the other Marauders, who were sitting on Peter's bed and eating the candy Dorea had sent James.

'We wanted to give you one of those, but we figured you wouldn't have a place to park it,' said Remus. 'And of course it was just a bit above our budget.'

'I can just picture it,' said Sirius, moving to the bed. 'Me, in my awesome leather jacket, on an even more awesome motorcycle, fighting the Death Eaters and picking up chicks everywhere… Next year is going to be the _best_. You should move in with me,' he said to Remus and Peter.

'If we dare,' said Peter.

'Moony'll keep us on the right path.'

'Am I invited to this big Marauder-house event or…?' James looked at the others.

'Of course not.' Snatching a chocolate frog, Sirius said, 'Haven't you been paying attention, Prongs? This time next year you'll be living with Lily, talking about how you'd want me as a pet. No way I want to _live _with you two lovebirds.'

'So, what are we going to do today?' said Peter.

'Read another story?' said Remus. 'Maybe one that's actually _good_?'

'It's cute how you still think those exist,' said Sirius. He sprang up from the bed and retrieved the Companion from Peter's bedside table. 'Could I pick one?'

'No. You're the one who found _Thirty Ms_ and _Serenity Starr. _I'm choosing this time,' said James. It didn't take him long to find a story that seemed interesting. 'It's called, ever so originally, _Harry Potter Prequel_ and it's written by some JK Rowling. She says it's for charity – isn't that cool? People pay money to read about us!'

'Just start the story already,' said Remus. 'If it's for charity it has to be halfway decent, at least.'

**The speeding motorcycle **

'Motorcycle! It's a good story,' said Sirius. 'It'd better be mine, that motorcycle.'

**took the sharp corner so fast in the darkness that both policemen in the pursuing car shouted 'whoa!' **

'Because I'm just that cool when I'm on my motorcycle. My _motorcycle_.' Sirius said the word lovingly, like he was talking about his firstborn child.

'Who wants to bet we find out it's not really Padfoot's motorcycle, but Lily's?' said Remus.

Sirius was aghast. 'Remus John Lupin, I'm the only one who'll have a motorcycle!'

**Sergeant Fisher slammed his large foot on the brake, thinking that the boy **

'See, Remus? Boy. So it isn't Lily.'

'It could still be me…'

Sirius snorted and ruffled Remus's hair. 'Please, as if you'd ever drive that recklessly.'

**who was riding pillion was sure to be flung under his wheels; however, the motorbike made the turn without unseating either of its riders, and with a wink of its red tail light, vanished up the narrow side street.  
**

'Oh, I can feel the awesome,' said Sirius, closing his eyes. 'I want this to happen. It would be wicked.'

**'We've got 'em now!" cried PC Anderson excitedly. 'That's a dead end!"  
**

'Just a quick question: do we know PC Anderson or Fisher?' said Peter.

'Who cares? He's not important – focus on the motorbike,' Sirius said.

'I don't think we know them,' Remus said to Peter. 'But being a sergeant means he's some sort of… Muggle equivalent of someone who works for the Office of Magical Law. So we can safely assume _someone_ is breaking Muggle laws.'

**Leaning hard on the steering wheel and crashing his gears, Fisher scraped half the paint off the flank of the car as he forced it up the alleyway in pursuit. **

Sirius flinched. 'Okay, cars aren't as cool as motorbikes, but you should still be careful with them, Fisher! Don't you know how cool you look in a good car?'

'How do you even know about cars?' said Remus.

'I take Muggle Studies, Moony,' he said haughtily. 'Besides, I live in London, or at least I did. It's nigh impossible to miss cars when they're around you _all the time_.'

**There in the headlights sat their quarry, stationary at last after a quarter of an hour's chase. The two riders were trapped between a towering brick wall and the police car, which was now crashing towards them like some growling, luminous-eyed predator.**

**There was so little space between the car doors and the walls of the alley that Fisher and Anderson had difficulty extricating themselves from the vehicle.**

'Which is why motorbikes are more practical than cars,' said Sirius. 'I'd never have that problem. Prongs, I must say, you do know how to pick the good stories; so far, I haven't felt the need to gouge my eyes out. Which is refreshing.'

**It injured their dignity to have to inch, crab-like, towards the miscreants. Fisher dragged his generous belly along the wall, tearing buttons off his shirt as he went, and finally snapping off the wing mirror with his backside. **

'Be _nice _to the car!' Sirius looked at the book, shaking his head. 'What has the poor thing ever done to you?'

'After all those stories he can still get upset over a car mirror breaking off,' said Peter. 'He shows more emotion now than he did when you'd eaten him, Prongs.'

**'Get off the bike!' he bellowed at the smirking youths, who sat basking in the flashing blue light as though enjoying it.**

'Sirius just loves attention,' said James. 'Who would the other person be?'

'It has to be someone of near-inhuman coolness, to be allowed on my bike,' Sirius said.

**They did as they were told.**

'Maybe it isn't Sirius, then,' Remus said. 'As he's physically incapable of _ever _doing what he's told.'

'Remus, this man is obviously a brute,' said Sirius. 'If he hurt a car like that, what's to say he won't try and hurt my motorcycle as well? There's no safety around blokes like him.'

**Finally pulling free from the broken wind mirror, Fisher glared at them. They seemed to be in their late teens. The one who had been driving had long black hair; **

'Please don't mention eyes like limpid tears,' said Sirius, crossing his fingers. 'I like this story. Keep the limpid tears out of it – please, please, please!'

**his insolent good looks reminded Fisher unpleasantly of his daughter's guitar-playing, layabout boyfriend. **

'Even now people mention Pads is good looking,' said James. 'How many fangirls does he _have_?'

**The second boy also had black hair, though his was short and stuck up in all directions; he wore glasses and a broad grin. **

'Prongs, I'm proud to say you _are _cool enough to be on my bike.' Sirius slapped James on his shoulder. 'Congratulations. Though I won't let you drive it. You haven't reached that state of amazingness yet.'

**Both were dressed in T-shirts emblazoned with a large golden bird; the emblem, no doubt, of some deafening, tuneless rock band. **

'Like a Phoenix,' said James. 'Do we know any bands with a Phoenix in the name?'

'Maybe it just means we're members of the _Order _of the Phoenix,' said Sirius, stroking his chin. 'Which would be cool, but not very surprising. I mean, that motorcycle is made for fighting crazy maniacs.'

**'No helmets!' Fisher yelled, pointing from one uncovered head to the other. 'Exceeding the speed limit by – by a considerable amount!' (In fact, the speed registered had been greater than Fisher was prepared to accept that any motorcycle could travel.) **

'Because I'm just that awesome,' said Sirius, glowing in the 'praise'. 'And of course I don't wear a helmet. Those are for Muggles.'

'**Failing to stop for the police!'**

'We'd have loved to stop for a chat,' said the boy in glasses, 'only we were trying -'

'**Don't get smart – you two are in a heap of trouble!' **

'Well, that's something we've never heard before,' said Sirius, smirking. 'He's rude, isn't he? Won't even let you finish. I want to know what we were trying to do, dammit!'

'Get home in time for me to have a shag with Lily?' said James. 'Pick up Remus and Peter and go for a night drinking?'

'You're not allowed to drive a motorcycle when you're drunk,' said Remus. 'It's not safe.'

'Moony, you're such a rebel,' said Sirius.

**snarled Anderson. 'Names!'**

'Names?' repeated the long-haired driver. 'Er – well, let's see. There's Wilberforce… Bathsheba… Elvendork…'

**'And what's nice about that one is, you can use it for a boy or a girl,' said the boy in glasses. **

'So that's why you wanted to name your kid Elvendork,' said Sirius. 'Prongs, I'm with Lily on this. I don't care how lazy you are, you can't name your child that. You need to come up with a name for a girl _and _a boy.'

'I already know I'm going to name the boy Harry – and for a girl? I'll think of something,' said James.

'Name her after me – Petra,' said Peter.

'No, I hate that name. I'd sooner call her Jamie. And I hate that name, too,' said James. 'But seeing as I haven't even snogged Lily yet, I think this is something I don't have to worry about just yet.'

**'Oh, OUR names, did you mean?' asked the first, as Anderson spluttered with rage. 'You should've said! This here is James Potter, and I'm Sirius Black!'**

**'Things'll be seriously black for you in a minute, you cheeky little -'**

'Talk about rude! Making fun of my name,' said Sirius. 'And that's a pun I haven't used before; I should remember it. Seriously black.'

'And there I thought we'd heard the last one when he heard "Are you fucking serious",' Peter said. 'The money from this charity should go to us for living with him.'

**But neither James nor Sirius was paying attention.**

'Talk about rude,' said Remus.

**They were suddenly as alert as gundogs, staring past Fisher and Anderson, over the roof of the police car, at the dark mouth of the alley. Then, with identical fluid movements, they reached into their back pockets. **

'You shouldn't keep your wand there,' said Remus. 'I heard some Wizards have lost buttocks from it…'

'Moony, sometimes I wonder what kind of company you keep,' Sirius said.

**For the space of a heartbeat both policemen imagined guns gleaming at them, but a second later they saw that the motorcyclists had drawn nothing more than -**

'Okay, help me out here – guns?' said James.

'Some sort of… stick-thing Muggles use to shoot at each other,' said Remus. 'They're supposed to be deadly, usually.'

**'Drumsticks?' jeered Anderson. **

'Yes! The Drumsticks of Doom!' said Sirius. 'Come on, Anderson! How stupid do you think we are?'

'**Right pair of jokers, aren't you? Right, we're arresting you on a charge of -'**

**But Anderson never got to name the charge.**

'Shame. I want to know what it is,' said Remus. 'Would've made my day, to have you two arrested for breaking the speed limit or something.'

**James and Sirius had shouted something incomprehensible, and the beams from the headlights had moved.**

**The policemen wheeled around, then staggered backwards. Three men were flying – actually FLYING – up the alley on broomsticks – and at the same moment, the police car was rearing up on its back wheels.**

'Awesome,' Sirius whispered, his eyes big.

**Fisher's knees bucked; he sat down hard; Anderson tripped over Fisher's legs and fell on top of him, as FLUMP – BANG – CRUNCH – they heard the men on brooms slam into the upended car and fall, apparently insensible, to the ground, while broken bits of broomstick clattered down around them.**

'Now we've broken both the car and their broomsticks,' said James. 'And Sirius doesn't say anything about it.'

'I am sure we had our reasons for this,' Sirius said. 'If anything, people who are flying around a Muggle neighbourhood are so thick they _need _to be hit by a suddenly-upending car. To teach them a lesson.'

'"Never fly because Muggle objects could just jump up and attack you"?' said Peter. 'Yeah, that lesson must be useful.'

**The motorbike had roared into life again.**

'Motorbike!'

**His mouth hanging open, Fisher mustered the strength to look back at the two teenagers.**

**'Thanks very much!' called Sirius over the throb of the engine. 'We owe you one!'**

**'Yeah, nice meeting you!' said James. 'And don't forget: Elvendork! It's unisex!'**

The Marauders laughed.

'Only you, James,' said Remus, taking a handful of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans. 'Great priorities you have.'

**There was an earth-shattering crash, and Fisher and Anderson threw their arms around each other in fright; **

'I feel subtext! Subtext!' said Peter. 'Now I'm just waiting for a story of how they're in a secret relationship. It has to be somewhere.'

**their car had just fallen back to the ground. **

'The poor car,' Sirius said. 'We wouldn't have done that to you if it hadn't been necessary, believe me.'

**Now it was the motorcycle's turn to rear. Before the policemen's disbelieving eyes, it took off into the air: **

'MY MOTORCYCLE CAN FLY! Take that!' Sirius jumped up and pumped his fist in the air. 'That is so awesome! I want a motorcycle – I can't wait another year! Did you read that? It's a _flying_ motorcycle!'

**James and Sirius zoomed away into the night sky, their tail light twinkling behind them like a vanishing ruby.**

'I'm going to keep this story,' said Sirius, taking the book from James and cradling it to his chest. 'It's about my motorbike. This has to be from the future, it has to be a sign of awesomeness to come!'

'Of course,' said James. 'Just keep telling yourself that.' He yawned and looked out of the window. 'Maybe we should go ice-skating on the Black Lake,' he said. 'Or see how Hagrid's doing?'

'Let's,' said Sirius. 'Then I'll tell him about my motorbike – I'm sure he'll like that!'

* * *

**A/N: Like Sirius said, this one isn't written by me but by the wonderful JK. Ah, i'm being so bad; I didn't write this one, nor the one before this, not even the one before that and the next one won't be mine either! What will they read, then, you wonder? You'll see...**


	26. Going under

'And.'

'Peter.'

'Wanted.'

'To.'

'Impregnate.'

'Sirius!'

Sirius looked up and frowned at Peter. 'Peter, as I'm neither a woman nor a Potter, I doubt you could impregnate _me_.'

'I didn't mean it like that – that wasn't my word. It was my "Sirius, you fuckhead!" exclamation.'

'Whatever. So, Peter wanted to impregnate Sirius,' said James. 'Er… But!'

'Sirius.'

'Didn't.'

'Want.'

'Babies.'

'What on earth are you guys doing?'

James scrambled up and looked at Lily, who was standing in the doorway, a very confused look on her face.

'Peter wants to have babies with Sirius? Is this because of one of those fanfictions? Because if it is, I might have to take them away from you; they're obviously not safe.' While she spoke, she moved to James's bed and sat down. 'Hello, by the way.'

'Lily, it is an honour to be graced with your presence once more,' Sirius said. 'We all think so, but Prongs the most.'

'I know. He told me.' She held up a piece of parchment that James recognized as the letter he sent yesterday. 'I just read it,' she told James. 'I missed you too. But Sirius's pregnancy? What's up with that?'

'We were just playing this game where you make sentences and everyone says one word,' said Peter. 'It was Moony's idea!'

'Yes, when I introduced it to you _four years ago_. Sirius loves it,' Remus said. 'People always end up pregnant – Peter, usually – or dead – James – or adored by spaceships – Sirius…'

'What can I say? My natural creative abilities need to come out somehow and I'm not going to write a novel or something like that,' Sirius said. 'But hey, now that Lily's back, we can do _real _Marauder stuff, meaning we can torment Prongs by embarrassing him in front of his girl!'

James ignored him. 'How was the train ride?'

'Long. Boring.' She shrugged. 'The only other person returning was a second year named Brandon. We really shared our life stories – it's like I've a new best friend. So, has anything happened here that I haven't heard of yet?'

'You mean apart from Prongs being the reason there are vampire cavemen on Mars?' said Peter.

'No, I know about that one.'

'Snivellus and Sirius being in a relationship?' Remus said.

'Heard that one as well.'

'James sighing and wearing his "woe is me"-expression because you weren't here to be gazed upon and kissed underneath the mistletoe?' Sirius said, earning him a smack on the head from James.

'He didn't outright _say _that, but it was implied,' said Lily.

'Well, then I guess you know everything. Of course I could show you my wonderful new jacket, but…'

'I think we should celebrate Lily's return by reading a particularly gruesome story,' said Peter, who got the Companion. 'I happen to know one that will make her toes curl and her hair stand upright, it's so horrible.'

'We're not continuing _Thirty Ms_,' said Remus. 'We're not!'

'No, no, I don't mean that one. Just… You'll see. And you'll probably go ballistic, Moony – just thought I'd warn you.'

This meant Remus felt dialogue tags coming on. Maybe Mary Sues. Maybe even redundant things like gasping for air.

How unprepared he was.

'Do you want to read it? Because you're back?' said Peter. 'It really has the most impact if you read it.'

'I don't trust you for a second, but okay. I'll read.' Lily accepted the book and started reading.

**my **

'That isn't capitalized, by the way,' Lily said. 'Yugh.'

**name is Eletric Dementia Dakota Dark'ness Way **

'You're kidding me,' said James. 'That has to be the _worst _Mary Sue name yet! Serenity Starr is normal compared to that!'

**and I have long black midlenf **

'What?'

'Midlenf,' Lily said.

Remus blinked. 'Lily, you know that's not a word?'

'I'm just reading it!'

'Less then one sentence in and already you're going crazy,' said Peter. 'I knew this would happen.'

**black hair with eletrik blue streaks (thatz how i got my name) **

'Imagine having a baby with blue hair,' said Remus.

'I think I read somewhere that your baby's going to have blue hair,' said Lily. 'Can't be sure. It might've been purple…'

'Moony's kid, blue hair? Yeah, right,' Sirius said.

**that sways sexyly behind me as I walk. My boobs are qwite big, **

'Not this again,' Lily muttered.

**but my waists really skinni. I have red eyes like limpid tears **

'The whore,' Sirius said. 'That's my trademark horrible description! Now you've used it, Serenity Starr has, Remus has…'

**becoz **

Lily twitched.

'What's wrong?' said James.

'The spelling! It hurts my eyes – can't someone else do it?'

'I'll read,' said Sirius. He scanned the page and even he, who wasn't exactly a Grammar Nazi, needed a second to absorb this story's spelling. 'Christ!'

**im a vamp, however even tho im a vamp my teeth are perfectly straight and white and my skin is also white. **

'And there I hoped we'd read about tan vampires,' said James.

'Prongs, I once read a story where vampires _sparkled_,' said Sirius. 'Nothing is worse than that. Ebony can't be such a horrible vampire if she doesn't sparkle.'

**im also a witch so i go to this school full of preps called hogwarts. **

'Preps? Is that a… different word for 'Wizards'?' said Lily. 'Or is it a word to describe people wearing polo shirts and khaki pants?'

'The latter, I think,' said Remus.

**peepz say i look lik Amy Lee **

'Who's that?' said Peter.

**(if you dont know who she is den get da hell out of here!111!) **

'Oh. Sorry.'

**Im not related to Gerard Way **

'Who's that?'

'Pete, stop it. We don't know and we probably don't want to know,' said Sirius. 'Don't torment yourself.'

**but i wish i was coz his a major fucking hottie. **

'Now that's just sick,' said Lily.

'She sounds like she might be related to me,' said Sirius. 'I mean, this _is _how they think in my family. "Oh, we're related? Good, then we can get married!"'

'It's still sick,' Lily said.

'You know, Lily, even though you're a… "major fucking hottie", I never wish I was related to you,' said James.

'Good. Because we'd never go out if we were related. _God_, the idea alone! It's enough to make me nauseated!'

**Im a goff (incase you couldnt tell) and i wear mostly black. For example today im wearing a black, lace corset and a black leather miniskirt and black combat boots howeever my fishnets are neon pink. **

'That sounds incredibly ugly,' said Lily. 'Neon pink fishnets? Really? And a lace corset? What, is she not only a gothic vampire, but Hogwarts's most important prostitute as well? There's no way she'd be allowed to wear that!'

**i was walking outside hogwartz and it was snowing and raining at the same time so there was no sum, **

'… No sum of what?' said Remus.

'She probably means sun,' Sirius said. 'Or maybe there was no sum of the snow, because the rain washed it away?'

'Let's not pretend that makes sense,' Peter said, to general agreement.

**which made me verry verry happy :) **

'There's a… colon and a bracket,' said Sirius. 'A closing bracket. But there's no opening bracket. I don't… I don't get this. At all.'

'Just ignore it,' said Remus.

**A lot of preppy preps stared preppily at me so i put my middle finger up at dem.  
"Hey Electra Blue Dementia Dakota Dark'ness!" **

'Good Merlin, people say her _entire name_?' said Remus. 'That would be like people saying, "Hey, Remus John Lupin, what's up?"'

**shouted a voice. I looked up. It was... **

'Dumbledore!' said Peter.

'Voldemort,' said Sirius.

'Lily Evans: Demon Huntress, ready to kick some ass,' Lily said.

'Sirius Black, who is no doubt destined to be with her,' said James, grinning broadly at Sirius.

'Fuck you, Prongs. I'd never date this shite.'

'I think it's a random person we've never heard of before but who everyone thinks we'll know intimately,' said Remus.

'So who is it?' said Lily.

**Serious Black!  
**

'I'm so good at this,' said James. 'I hope they're going to shag.'

**"Whats up Serious?" I asked**

This time, Sirius was the one who flinched. 'Spell my name correctly, please. It's only six letters and _not that difficult_! The Sirius/Serious joke _only _works when spoken! Not written down!'

**"Nuffin" he said shyly**

James guffawed. 'Yeah, of course – Sirius, the paragon of shyness!'

**but then I heard my friends and i had to leave. **

'Saved by her friends,' said Sirius. 'Thank you, poor friends of this loser.'

**My friends were... Lily **

'NO!' Lily's hand flew up to her mouth. 'How did this happen? I'm a demon huntress, she's a vampire, shouldn't I kill her? Or at least avoid her?'

**(lilys no longer an uptight prude ginger bitch, **

Now Lily lowered her hands; her jaw was slack from disbelief. 'And _thank you_,' she said. 'What is this? _What is this?_'

'We don't think you're a bitch,' said Peter.

'If she starts hating on my breasts, I'll find her and hit her,' Lily said darkly.

**shes turned goffic now and died her ugly read hare black oh and she's called Raven now, becuz of her Raven-black hair) **

'My hair isn't ugly, dammit! Why do all these stories make me dye my hair? Or… die it…'

'Don't worry. Prongs has said time and again how he loves your hair,' said Sirius. 'How the colour reminds him of your fiery personality and the hot pas- '

'_All right_!' James cleared his throat. 'You can continue reading, Padfoot.'

**(and she isnt Evans anymoar, becuz shes actshelly (geddit, hell?) a Pureblood)**

'To sum it all up, I am no longer called Lily Evans, I no longer _look _like Lily Evans, I no longer _behave _like Lily Evans – are you sure this is me?'

**and Waterfall (AN: this is you Magpi!11)**

'Do we know a Waterfall or a Magpi?' said Peter.

'Of course not,' Sirius said. 'Like Remus said – completely random people we're suddenly supposed to know.'

**"OMFG I sore u **

'I what?'

'You sore her,' said Sirius. 'It's the past tense of _to see_.'

**taking to serious black!" Raven exclaimed.  
"Yeah? So?" I blushed**

'So, that is my cue to come and save him, of course,' said Lily. 'I can't just let poor Serious be corrupted like that!'

**"Do u like him?" Waterfall asked, flicking her long black hair as we walked to the slytherin common room (lillys in slytherin now. **

'No!'

**so is Serios)**

'No!'

'It makes me wonder where we are,' said Peter.

'By the rate this is going, I'm pretty sure you're dead,' said Remus. 'These writers always kill you, remember?'

**"No I so fucking dont" i shouted. **

'Good. I wouldn't want someone like you fancying me,' said Sirius.

'She's rude, though, isn't she?' said Lily. 'Makes me wonder even more why I'd be friends with her.'

**just then serious walked up to me**

'– and slapped her in the face!'

**"can we go for a walk" he askd**

'– and slapped her in the face!'

**"yeah i replied flirtily. we walked into the forrbiden forest and serious **

'– slapped her in the face!'

'Sirius, no matter how often you're going to say that, I doubt it'll be in the actual text,' James said. 'Just thought I'd say it, before you get disappointed.'

**said "you are so beautiful and sexi and funny and amazing did u no that?"**

'No! Why does she make me do this?' Sirius exclaimed in despair. 'This is worse than having me murmur! Stop raping me like this, author, please!'

**"no" **

'Because you aren't and he's having you on,' said James. 'Sorry, Electra.'

**i responded to be modest **

'Though she doesn't mean it, that's clear,' said Lily, her nostrils flaring.

**evn thow evry1 tells me this **

'How much does she pay them to tell her that?' said Remus.

**(a/n: she isnt stuck up but a lot of ppl tell her shes hot, Ok?). **

'What a smug bitch,' said Sirius. 'She isn't hot. She _is _stuck up. Face it.'

**serious leaned in extra close **

'– and slapped her in the face?' Sirius said hopefully.

**and looked at me with his goffic red eyes **

'What?'

'They must be red from all the crying,' said James. 'I'd cry if I were this close to her…'

'Or maybe her BO is so bad you're showing an allergic reaction,' said Peter.

'It could be your Mary Sue sense, alarming you to stay away from her,' Remus said.

**(he waz wearing color contacts) **

'I hate this author. I really do.'

**which revealed so much depressing sorrow **

'Yeah, no shit, I'm talking to you!'

**and evilness and then I suddenly felt verry turned on, **

'Oh no. I can see where this is going. I hate this.' Sirius gave the book to James. 'Prongs, you read it. And please… make it quick. I don't know how much more of this I can stand.'

**kind of like an erection except I'm a girl so don't you get one, sicko!1**

'I doubt anyone, anywhere would've got an erection from this,' said James. 'I… just… This hurts.'

**and then.. suddenly serious **

'– slapped her in the face with a crowbar?' said Sirius.

James shook his head. 'I'm terribly sorry, mate.'

**kissed me passively. **

Sirius closed his eyes and choked. 'It's okay – I saw this coming. I can accept this. I just need to… relax. Breathe.'

'At least it's passive,' said Lily. 'You're not… I mean, I don't know what it means if you're passively kissing someone, but the passion isn't really there, is it?'

'That's true. Thanks, Evans. I needed that.'

**serious climed ontop of me **

'_- and chopped her head off with a herring!_' Sirius yelled.

**and we started to make out keenly against a tree. he took of my top and i tok off his clothes. **

'What a horrible sex scene,' said James. 'There is no sexiness in this at all. I've read better me/Lily sex… scenes…' He turned red and decided it might be best to just continue reading.

**i even took of my leather BRA! **

'How exciting,' Lily said.

'It is, it has two exclamation marks,' said James, who wasn't looking at her. Thinking about sex scenes with Lily in it was _not _a good idea when said Lily was also present, it turned out.

**then he put his thingie **

'My crowbar, I hope,' Sirius said.

**into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.**

'Okay, now that crowbar remark is really nasty,' said Lily, whose face was scrunched at the thought of having crowbars in her you-know-what. 'I get it that having sex with her would be nasty, but this…'

**oh!oh!oh! i screamed. we started to kiss EVERYWHERE and then...**

'- Sirius slapped her in the face with dead fish?' said Sirius.

'Even better,' said James.

**"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING MOTHERFUKERS?111"  
It was... **

'Go on – guess,' James said.

'It's Lily,' said Peter. 'Or Remus – they're Prefects, they'd freak out if they saw this.'

'Prongs is Head Boy – wouldn't he freak out, too?' said Sirius.

'Not at you. I'd just try to save you from this monster,' said James. 'But it's not me, nor Lily, nor Remus.'

'Electra's boyfriend?' said Remus.

'N-no. I think not.' James frowned; it would be very messed-up if he was Electra's boyfriend, but it wouldn't fit in the rest of the story. 'I think he isn't her boyfriend.'

**Dumblydore!**

They gasped.

'Dumbledore? He said "motherfucker?"' said Peter. 'Never!'

'I kid you not,' said James. 'It says so right there.'

'This story. It rapes us all.' Sirius shook his head. 'At least in _Thirty Ms_ I was just eaten and that was the end of it, but this…' **  
**'I missed this,' said Lily. 'Even if it mutilates my brain, the Companion is always entertaining.'

'That's some sick sense of humour you have, Evans,' said Peter.

'Anyway.' Sirius cleared his throat. 'I think it's time we go somewhere that isn't here, so that Prongs may have his loving reunion with Lily. Right?'

'Right,' Peter and Remus said in unison.

'I hate you,' James muttered.

'Ah, Prongsie, you just say that. Good luck.' He winked at Lily, gave James a thumbs-up and then scurried out of the dormitory along with Remus and Peter.

'He is as subtle as a baseball bat in the face,' said James. He tugged at the collar of his robes; was it him, or was it suddenly very hot in the dormitory? Again flashes from James/Lily fiction popped up in his head and he was very sure it was him, and not the dormitory.

'That's Sirius, I suppose,' Lily said.

'So how did things end with Mr Whale on two legs?' James said. It seemed like a proper, unsexy topic to discuss.

At least until Lily sighed and let herself fall back into his pillows. His mind took a turn for the sexy once more.

'Well, apparently Petunia had told him about my "aberration" and he says he doesn't "hold it against her" – his words, not mine. So for Petunia things ended great and for the rest of the family… We're still hoping she'll see sense.'

'So your parents don't like him either?' He forced himself to keep his eyes locked on her face.

'Not particularly, no. I mean, they don't dislike him – that's just me – but they think Tuney could do better. She can. But that's just because almost everyone is better than Vernon "I've a pole up my arse" Dursley.'

'If she's anything like you I'm sure she'll see sense soon enough,' James said.

She cocked her head. 'I think you need to read those fanfictions a bit more thoroughly, Mr Potter. Petunia isn't like me at all, except maybe that we're both incredibly stubborn. Me disliking Vernon might be the _exact _reason why she'll keep him.'

They were silent for a while. James tried to muster up the strength to think about things that were less sexy than Lily – dead rats, Snivellus, his grandmother naked on a children's bike – but fact was that when Lily Evans was lying in his bed, with no one else around, it was hard to concentrate.

Very hard.

'So, I'm a "major fucking hottie"?' Lily said.

'Yes,' he said immediately.

She laughed and popped herself up on her elbows. 'Thank you. You're not so bad yourself, either. But, er… I think I still need to unpack a couple of things. So I'd better do that now before I get very tired and forget and… you know.'

'Oh, yeah, of course.' As she got off his bed, he asked, 'So are you coming back later tonight? We could do another story…'

'Sure. I'll… see you then.' She leaned towards him, stopped, frowned and finally ruffled through his hair. 'Bye.'

Watching her retreating figure, James wonder just what the hell had been going through her mind the past couple of minutes. Because he had absolutely no clue.

* * *

**A/N; not what I'd been planning to do, but the original was too gloomy and I really wanted to do this one. This wonderful badfic is by the wonderful millie-mae, who should be praised for daring to write something with such atrocious grammar. Hope you liked it!**


	27. Ariana Riddle: IV

'But this isn't how it was supposed to happen,' James said. 'She was supposed to come back and discover in that time that we were apart that she really liked me, and then she should've told me when she saw me. But I don't think anything has changed from before she went away and what am I supposed to do? I mean, should I tell her that I like her? She already knows that – right? She can't have missed it…' He ran a hand through his hair and stared at the wall behind Sirius's head. 'Dammit, why are girls so complicated?'

'I don't know, mate.' Sirius had a hard time biting down his laughter; James natural drama queen tendencies were always multiplied tenfold whenever Lily got involved and this time was no different.

'Do you think she likes me?'

'She doesn't _dis_like you…'

'I know that! But does she _like _me? Does she fancy me?'

Sirius held up his hands. 'I have no idea. I think she does, but she's a girl. Hell, she's _Lily Evans_. You had to go for one of the most complicated girls in Hogwarts, Prongs. This is the price you pay for it.'

'You know, you could at least _pretend _to feel sorry for me,' James said, noticing the amusement in Sirius's voice.

'Prongs, you have no idea how hilar… Hear that?' Sirius tensed and cocked his ears. James became silent as well, until he heard the familiar voices coming closer.

'Just one more story,' said Lily. 'Because I've missed them for a week.'

'One more story because there's a new chapter of Ariana Riddle,' said Peter. 'You know you want to find out who her roommates are…'

'I'd rather read another chapter about me and my two husbands…'

Remus opened the door and he, Lily and Peter stepped inside.

'Done unpacking, Evans?' James said, making place for her on his bed. His smile faltered and disappeared when Lily didn't take him up on his unspoken offer, but instead opted to sit on Remus's bed.

'Yeah, almost,' she said. 'I came across – yeah, I'm almost finished. Just a couple more things.'

'That's… that's good,' he said, not knowing what else to say. The fact that Sirius was grinning next to him didn't help.

'Okay, while those lovebirds are having a nonversation, think we should start on Ariana?' said Sirius. 'If she's got a new chapter… I mean, I want to know what's happening to the girl who thinks I murmur and give Marauder names to just anyone.'

'Serenity Starr was the one who got a Marauder name,' said Remus, while leafing through the Companion for the next chapter of _Ariana Riddle_.

'Doesn't matter, I still blame Ariana for it,' said Sirius. 'Hit it, Moony!'

**Ariana hoped she would be able to ignore the growing sense of danger that was growing in her stomach. **

'The growing sense that was growing? I am not impressed by the first sentence,' said Remus, sounding very much like McGonagall.

**Hurrying prettily, **

Lily snorted. 'She hurried prettily? What am I supposed to think when she says that – that Ariana's skirts were billowing behind her and her cheeks were just blushing ever so slightly from the exercise?'

'You're good at the purple prose, Lil,' said Remus. 'If I didn't know any better I'd almost suspect you of being a fanfiction author as well.'

**she opened the door to her dormitory quickly and stepped inside. She was met by **

'- Sirius, who slapped her in the face!' said Sirius.

'Padfoot, be realistic. You can't be in a girls' dormitory,' said Peter.

**the faces of three other girls; **

'- who slapped her in the face!'

'Is that what he's going to say to every Mary Sue we encounter?' Remus said, feeling weary. 'Maybe we should Silence him…'

**two of them were rather plain-looking and the other one was the most beautiful girl Ariana had ever seen.**

'Prettier than Ariana?' said James. 'Didn't think we'd see that…'

'It isn't said that she's prettier,' said Lily. 'Just that she's the prettiest Ariana has ever seen; but apparently Ariana, in all her modesty, doesn't know that she's beautiful, too, so our wonderful protagonist is probably the most beautiful.'

'**Hello,' she murmured shyly, **

'And I thought she'd murmur it confidently,' said Sirius. 'Yes, author, when she murmurs something like that, we can assume she's shy! You don't have to tell us – we're not retarded.'

'Her normal readers might be,' said Peter.

**looking around for her bed. She found there wasn't one without stuff on it; but none had her stuff! What could it mean? **

'That she doesn't belong at Hogwarts and will be sent back immediately,' said Peter. 'Hogwarts doesn't want Mary Sues.'

'It would be an interesting, meta twist on it all, wouldn't it?' Remus said.

**she wondered. 'I'm Ariana.'**

'**Tiffany,' said the pretty girl. She had midnight black hair, **

'Now all I can think of is that bloody owl from that Electra-story,' said James. 'What's wrong with just saying "black"? We know what it looks like and it doesn't become clearer if you use all kinds of nouns to describe it!'

'Never thought I'd live to see there day when James and Sirius look so deeply into a text,' said Remus. 'Even I wasn't bothered by that…'

**eyes of the clearest blue you can imagine, **

'Yet not like limpid tears,' Sirius said smugly. 'Not cool enough for that, Tiffany? Huh, are you? Are you?'

**and full, red lips. 'Tiffany Dawkins. And these are my friends – Mary Cattermole and Petunia Evans.'**

'Er – what? I'm sorry, but _what_?' Lily looked at the boys, shock written all over her face. 'How did Petunia suddenly get into Hogwarts? Why is she in our year? She's older than me! And she wouldn't be a Slytherin; she's a born Hufflepuff!'

**She indicated the two other girls. One, Mary, Ariana presumed, **

'Stop interrupting yourself!' said Remus. 'Just say "Mary", for Merlin's sake, and get rid of the commas.'

**had thin, wheat-blond hair **

'And start using proper spelling. She's a blond_e_, with an E at the end, unless she's turned into a boy,' said Remus.

**and bad teeth; the other one, Petunia, was rather horse-looking and had nothing in common with her sister, **

'Well, that much is true,' said Lily. 'She does have equine features. I think it's in the neck – she has an incredibly long neck…' She thought back of when she'd walked in on Vernon kissing that neck passionately and felt a bit uneasy. At the time all she'd thought about was if such a moustache didn't tickle; now she was just revolted by the thought of those sweaty, fat hands on her.

She glanced at James. He didn't have fat hands. Or a moustache. Just a little bit of stubble, she noticed now. It looked good on him.

_Good thing you didn't notice earlier_, she thought, _or you might've jumped on him there and then. Christ, Lily, get a hold of yourself! He's your friend, not the person you fancy. He isn't. _

**except for her lack of… assets. **

That snapped Lily out of her short-lived daydream where James was kissing _her _neck. 'What? What has this author got against my breasts? This is the second time she's mentioned them like that!'

**Ariana noticed Petunia was staring jealously at Ariana's breasts and she pulled her gown a bit tighter so she wouldn't feel too exposed.**

'… She feels exposed so she makes her clothes tighter?' said Peter. 'Robes don't cover more when it's tighter. It's just… tighter. It only shows more.'

'Maybe that's what she wants. I'll forgive Ariana everything if we get hot lesbian sex between Ariana and Tiffany,' Sirius said. 'Well, maybe I wouldn't forgive the murmuring, but other than that, I mean.'

'**Nice to meet you,' she murmured. **

'**I can't say I agree,' announced Tiffany haughtily. **

'We didn't like her either,' said James.

'I like Tiffany, though,' Peter said.

'**Didn't you talk to Sirius _Black_? Yugh. I despise him.' **

'Well, that's not necessary. I'll be nice to you if you'll be a bitch to Ariana, yes?' Sirius said to the book.

**She turned her nose up in distaste; she, once, had been rejected by Sirius and had never forgiven him.**

'How – how does Ariana know this? Did Sirius tell her this? Is it so obvious from Tiffany's nose? This is supposed to be told from Ariana's perspective,' said Lily. 'Ariana doesn't know this; it's strange to tell us like this. Also, I think we've stumbled upon another literary device!'

'Have we now?' said Sirius. 'The Upturned Noses of Evil™?'

'No, but the so-called Scary Sue. She's basically a Mary Sue who failed and in the story, she only exists to make the Mary Sue look better,' Lily said. She was glad for this little piece of normality and knowledge; it made her forget who was sitting next to Sirius. 'They're usually portrayed as very shallow and unnecessarily mean to the Mary Sue and they're jealous and do everything to thwart the Mary Sue. She'll often point out flaws of the Mary Sue – which are there, but as a reader we're supposed to think the Scary Sue is wrong. And of course the Mary Sue _always_ wins the argument.'

'So she'll be the vessel for all my hatred?' said Sirius.

'If she really is a Scary Sue, then yes, probably.'

'All right. Tiffany, I don't care if you dislike me – I like you from now on. Bring the hate!'

'**Oh. I liked him,' Ariana murmured. She pushed a lock of her golden hair behind her ear; in the process, her fingertips grazed the small, star-shaped scar behind her earlobe. **

'Is it the Scar of Suedom?' Remus said. 'Could it have magical properties?'

'She can probably save the world with it,' said Peter.

'**Which bed is mine?'**

**Tiffany looked around the room. 'Why, I'd say the floor would do for scum like you.'**

'**But…' Ariana looked bewildered. 'H-haven't I got a bed?'**

'**Your bed is currently being used to host more _deserving _stuff – like my clothes. **

'Hear, hear,' Sirius said. 'Why did we have to wait so long for the Scary Sue? This is great – this is what I wanted to tell Ariana all along! And an actual character is telling her!'

**They deserve a bed. You, filthy Gryffindor, don't. I'm sure you're not even a pureblood.' **

'Okay, she loses some points for that.'

'But that's the thing about Scary Sues; they're portrayed as really evil,' said Lily. 'And though they usually have a point, sometimes the author just feels the need to show of how _eeeevil_ the Scary Sue is by making her say random things like that.'

**Flicking her hair over her shoulder so it cascaded down her back like a waterfall of doom, **

Sirius guffawed, too shocked to say anything to that.

'What is a waterfall of doom supposed to look like?' said James. 'A waterfall of doom? Really?'

**Tiffany turned around and walked to the bathroom, followed by her minions. **

'My sister isn't a minion,' Lily said. 'She's an annoying brat, yes – but not a minion.'

**They were surprisingly graceful in a way that an overweight construction worker is not.**

'I'm really starting to wonder if the author just has her wall covered in notes with random words and then closes her eyes and throws darts at it,' said Sirius. 'How else could she come up with comparisons like that?'

**Ariana went to the bed that looked the least used and magicked the clothes away. **

'Ah, but whereto? It's not very polite, losing someone else's clothing like that,' said Lily. 'Turns out our Mary Sue is a bitch! Who'd have thought.'

**She now saw that this was where her trunk was standing; it had to be her bed. Though she didn't want to anger Tiffany, she had to sleep somewhere. **

**After she had changed into a cute, short, pink nightie **

'Oh no, clothing description,' Peter groaned. 'Merlin, spare me!'

**that was very sexy but not because she tried it to be sexy; **

'That's an ugly sentence,' Remus said.

'Yeah. Ariana doesn't need to try it to be sexy,' said Sirius. 'That nightie? The things she gets up to when she's clubbing! That nightie is one sexy lady and that's not through any action of Ariana's!'

**Ariana just thought it was very comfortable. She didn't even know she looked sexy in it, but if Sirius – or any other man, really – had seen her, he would've told her she was the most beautiful girl in the world, even being more beautiful than Tiffany. **

'This is just painful,' said James. 'I used to think you overreacted when it came to Mary Sues, but… damn. This is bad.'

**She lay in bed and closed her eyes. She wouldn't cry. **

'She will by the time I'm finished with her,' Sirius said.

**Tiffany wouldn't get her down. Slytherin wouldn't get her down. **

'Oh, her life is so hard. Let us wait while angels come down from the heaven and weep for her soul,' said Peter, rolling his eyes. 'This girl is more melodramatic than Prongs!'

**She had friends – **

'Snivelly, maybe, but surely not us,' said Sirius.

**great friends. **

'And now she hasn't even got Snivellus anymore.'

**They were handsome, funny, smart… **

'Your first-mentioned and therefore probably best quality? Your looks,' Lily said. 'We can add shallowness to her list of unintended flaws.'

**she could do this. All she had to do was keep her secret from them – **

'And lying.'

**because surely they would leave her when they found out…**

'Let's hope,' said James. 'Those friends who are definitely not us don't deserve a girl like her. Nobody deserves her.'

'Except Serenity Starr,' Sirius said. '_And _that Electra chick. They deserve this. I wonder who'd kill the others first for the position of Queen Sue…'

**As she drifted into sleep, she got a dream. She was standing on a graveyard. Around her the rain poured swiftly from the heavens, **

'Stop! With! The! Useless! Information!' Remus said. 'What else was the rain supposed to do? Just crawl upwards from the ground? Of _course _it was fast! Of _course _it comes from the sky! We know that! You don't – have – to – tell – us!'

**soaking the ground around her and Ariana herself also. **

'And that sentence was uglier than Celestina Warbeck,' he said.

'I guess I'm still too traumatized by _Going Under _to notice that,' said Lily. 'Everything is grammatically correct compared to that.'

**A lightning flash illuminated the scene and Ariana gasped; there, on one of the grave stones, was a giant black dog! **

'And we have the introduction of her Sue-perpower,' Lily said, hating every word of this story. 'She has symbolic dreams. My _God_. The clichés are starting to hurt my head.'

'Oh, Lily, I'm sure Prongs would love to help you with that,' said Sirius. 'Need a massage? A snog?'

'Someone to hit you in your guts? Now that you mention it…'

**_The grim! _Ariana thought, **

'She's going to die! Hurray!' Peter said.

**though she was not afraid. She felt safe around this dog. **

'And then he ate her, end of story,' said Remus. 'But alas, it isn't so…'

**When a stag and a wolf appeared behind it, **

'No! No! What is this?' James said. 'Dreaming of the Grim is one thing – dreaming about us in Animagus form is just plain _weird_! She doesn't know about that, she can't just _guess _it after one day; it's completely random!'

**she did not feel even the slightest ticker of fear. **

'Which was stupid, because only seconds later, they devoured her,' said James.

'Honestly, Ariana. That wolf? It's a werewolf. You're human. You _should _be afraid,' said Peter, not noticing Remus flinch. 'How thick are you?'

**Not one, even though a normal person would be very afraid. **

'That doesn't make her brave, it makes her stupid,' Remus said. 'Another unintended flaw, Lily.'

**Ariana was brave in the sight of danger. **

'Here, either we _are _dangerous and she's just being very stupid, or we _aren't _dangerous and she's not being heroic at all,' said Sirius. 'You lose, Ariana!'

**How fearless she stood there, **

'YES WE KNOW!' Peter cried. 'STOP TELLING US!'

**her hair swaying in the wind like flowers in the wind, **

'And lay off the strange similes while you're at it,' said Remus. 'I think you might be on to something with that theory about darts, Pads…'

**her hand raised as if in prayer, her blue eyes like the moon… **

**A/N: So did you like it?**

'No,' James said.

**The next chapter should be up soon! xxxx for everyone who reviewed – you're heroes! **

'Well, that was a lot of shite,' Sirius said.

'Exactly what I needed before I go to sleep.' Lily stretched and yawned. 'Think you lot can survive the night without me?'

'It'll be hard, but we'll try,' said James.

'Oh, something will be hard alright,' Sirius snickered.

'Sirius, you are disgusting. I bid the rest of you goodnight.' Lily smiled at each of them – except at Sirius, at whom she cast a playful glare – and then she left.

'So, guys,' James said, once he was sure she'd descended the stairs, 'D'you think she wants to shag me?'

'Definitely,' said Sirius.

'Shut up, Padfoot. I'm asking normal people.'

'Hey!'

'I think Sirius might be right,' said Peter. 'But I don't know. Maybe Moony could ask her…'

James's eyes lit up at the thought. He stared at Remus, who seemed confused for a second. Then his puzzlement turned into reluctance.

'Prongs, no.'

'Please, Moony? Please? Just very, very subtly ask her… You know, without actually saying anything about me, but just… subtle in a way an overweight construction worker is not… Yes? Please?'

Remus sighed. 'Fine. I'll do it.'


	28. Master of the universe

'Lily, James loves you and wants to be with you for the rest of his life and have loads of red haired, mischief making babies – what's your opinion on that?'

Lily looked up from her Potions book to see Remus sitting opposite her in the library. She pushed a lock of hair out of her face while she thought of the right answer to that question. 'Um… Why are you asking?'

'They made me.'

She softly kicked him under the table. 'Okay, why did they make you?'

'Because James wants to know. I was supposed to be subtle about this, but I figured you'd see through me anyway.' He shrugged. 'And it's not like you don't know James likes you, so I never saw the need for subtlety in the first place.'

Rolling her eyes, she said, 'I just can't wait until _you_ fall in love. Then you'll know why people need to be mysterious about things like the weather, let alone _feelings_.' She closed her Potions book and shoved it away.

Remus was still looking at her expectantly. 'Well?'

'Well what?'

'What _do _you think about Prongs and his babies?'

She got up and put the book back on the shelf. With her back still to Remus she said, 'Do you want the real answer or the short version?'

'Just give me the real one.' He sighed. 'Is it going to be long?'

'Possibly.'

'Complicated?'

'Probably.'

'Melodramatic?'

'Definitely.'

She sat down again and picked at a chipped nail. 'Okay, well, here I go. I like James. A lot.'

She paused for so long that Remus sat up straighter and said, 'Well… that didn't seem very long, complicated _or _melodramatic, if I'm honest.'

'That's because you don't know what's going through my head every time I see him. Ow, dammit.' She frowned at her nail, where a little bit of blood welled up.'The thing is, Remus, that I don't really know what to do now. I mean, I fancy him – and now what? It's so _weird _liking James, because I disliked him for so long and all of a sudden he's sweet and funny and sexy and empathic and it's not even that much of a sudden, because it started last year already. Imagine!'

'I was there, Lily. I saw him change. I still don't see the problem, though…'

Lily chuckled when she saw Remus's discomfort. 'Neither do I. I guess I've just read too much fanfiction, where they always let me have this strange denial-complex, or whatever is wrong with fanfiction!me. I just never acknowledge my feelings or something like that?' She turned the sentence into a question; Remus just shrugged. 'And yeah, I really want to snog James and all that, but actually _doing _that is a lot scarier than just _fantasizing _about it, right? It's like I can't just walk up to him right now and say, "Oi, James, I want to shag you" because it's just embarrassing and…' She sighed. 'This is just a lot more complicated than I thought.'

'But y - '

'And another problem is, James is going to have such high expectations, isn't he?' she interrupted him. 'After all those stories and, well, four years of liking me, he's going to expect me to… know what to do and be good at it. But I don't. I mean, what if he thinks I'm a horrible kisser? Or what if…'

'Good heavens, Evans, you're worse than those novels my mum reads,' said Peter, appearing from between two bookcases. He looked from Lily to Remus with nothing less than admiration on his face. 'And you listened to all that with a straight face? Remus, you're stronger than any of us.'

'Thanks. What are you doing in the library?' Remus said.

'Prongs and Padfoot want to read another story,' said Peter. 'And you're both invited. Especially you, Evans.'

Lily glanced at the essay she'd half written. To retrieve the Potions book and work or to spend some time with James and the other Marauders?

'I'd love to,' she said.

They walked to the Gryffindor Portrait Hole. Just before they reached the Common Room, Peter said, 'Oh, by the way, Lily, you really don't have to worry about James. If you tell him you like him, he's going to be over the moon. In fact, he might just get to Jupiter. He _really _won't notice if anything is wrong.'

'Thanks for the advice, Pete,' she said. 'I'll keep it in mind.'

Remus said the password. When they entered, James and Sirius looked up from the Companion. While Sirius swiftly went to a different page, James shot Remus a meaningful look that wasn't lost on Lily at all. From the corners of her eyes, she saw Remus nod. At this sign James sagged back into the couch in relief.

'Hey guys,' Sirius said. 'Did you have fun in the library?'

'You have no idea,' said Remus.

'Well, now that you're here, Prongs and I found a story named _Master of the Universe_ and it's supposed to be about Prongs and our dear Lily. He thought it might be cool. Think you're up for it?'

'That depends,' Lily said, sitting down next to James. Now she was the one giving Remus the meaningful look. 'Is this about surf ninjas and books made of dragons made of motorcycles…?'

'Nah, it's listed under _Romance_.' Sirius wiggled his eyebrows. 'So Prongs probably won't go around killing everybody in the universe after they've been brought back to life after he killed them for the first time. That _stays _weird, no matter how much I think about it,' he added, looking at James.

'I didn't come up with it,' said James.

'Right, so – _Master of the Universe_,' said Peter. 'Bring it on.'

**Lily's POV – AU**

'AU?' James said.

'No idea,' said Peter.

**I bit my rose coloured lip, wondering what I was supposed to do. **

'Oh, no. Am I a damsel in distress? I don't want to be; can't I be a demon huntress again?'

'Lily, stop being so judgemental. Just because it's fanfiction doesn't mean it's bad,' said Peter. 'Just give the story a shot.'

**This man – his voice – it was so compelling. **

'That sentence is bad and you should feel bad,' Remus said.

**I shouldn't even be here. So I'd gotten drunk and called him – why did he have to have come and witness my embarrassment? **

'Called him?' James said. 'As in, "Oi, you, come here" or…?'

'I think she meant by telephone,' said Remus.

'Lily has a telephone?'

'Well, they don't work at Hogwarts, so I don't have one here, but we have a telephone at home, yes,' Lily said. 'I wonder who "he" is, though; it can't be you if he has a telephone…'

'I wonder what Lily's embarrassment is,' said Sirius.

**First he'd seen me being assaulted by that vile Peter Pettigrew, **

'Ah, well, that _is _embarrassing.' Sirius nodded. 'But there's more!'

**then he was there when I'd vomited all over the place and he'd caught me when I fainted. **

'This has to be the first story where I'm featured, not dead and not given an author's note saying "Fuck you, Peter" – but now I'm a rapist,' Peter said. 'Why am I always the butt monkey?'

**And now I was lying in a bed. In a hotel. And he just came in through the door, wearing nothing but a towel around his waist. Oh, he was gorgeous – muscled, his gray eyes intense, like limpid tears, **

'Oh _no_! The story lied – I don't want to read about me and Lily,' Sirius said. 'Authors, that's never going to happen, okay? Even if I did like Lily – which I don't – then Prongs still likes her too much for me to try something. Haven't you _ever _heard of the Marauders' Code?'

'You have a Code?' Lily said.

'Not written down or anything, but we have a code of honour, yeah,' said James.

'And if one of us shagged you that would probably be one of the worst violations of the Code,' said Peter. 'We can't just betray Prongs like that.'

**his trademark smirk on his face. I was supposed to hate him, despise him, but I found I couldn't. **

'I'd rather you hated me than shagged me,' Sirius said. 'It would be easier.'

'Don't worry, Sirius. I neither hate nor shag you,' she said. 'You're not my type.'

He raised his eyebrows and scoffed. 'What, tall, dark, handsome, confident, talented, intelligent troublemakers aren't your type? Prongs would beg to differ, I think.'

**He was too compelling; I wanted to know more about him, what his secrets and desires were, what made him happy…**

'You not being in my bed would make me happy, I think,' said Sirius. 'As for in real life… A sandwich, perhaps? A good rubbing over my belly?'

'**Lily,' his tongue caressed my name and I flushed. **

Both Lily and Sirius burst out in laughter.

'My _God_,' Lily said. 'That line is horrible. I can only think of Sirius trying to _snog_ my name, like this.' She stuck out his tongue and tried to say 'Lily' while pretending to lick something.

'That she flushed makes me feel like Lily's on the toilet,' Peter said, a contemplative tone to his voice. 'It puts the whole scene in a new light, doesn't it?'

'**How are you feeling now?'**

'**Better,' I croaked. 'Have I slept here?'**

'Surely I know where I slept? This is becoming… creepy. Like he drugged me or something,' Lily said, shifting uncomfortably.

'I think drugging Lily to have sex with her might actually be a worse violation of the Code than just having sex with her,' said Sirius. 'But don't worry, Lil – we wouldn't do that to you or anyone else.'

**His grey eyes are scorching, **

'Oh no. They start switching tenses? I hate that,' Remus groaned.

**burning their way into mine. 'Yes, Lily, you have.'**

**I have to avert my eyes; something between my legs in tingling. **

Lily felt herself turn red. 'Er… That should be "is", not "in",' she said. 'And it's seriously embarrassing to have you read about something like that.'

'Yeah,' Sirius said, looking innocent. 'It would be embarrassing if we read about that, wouldn't it, Prongs?'

**Choking, I whisper, 'And you? Where did you sleep?'**

'Er, on the couch, I suppose?' Lily said. 'I mean, I don't get the impression we're in a relationship and apparently I was completely shitfaced and unconscious that night. It would be slightly rapetastic if he slept in the bed.'

'**Here as well, of course. It is my bed.' **

'Yes, but I was in it! He could've put me on the couch if he didn't want to sleep there! Sirius, you're an asshole in this story.'

'I'm sorry. I won't do it in real life.'

**His voice is warm and husky, like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel… or something. **

Lily and Remus looked at each other.

'Do you want to?' Remus said.

She shook her head. 'The honour is all yours, Remus. Give us all you've got.'

'Right.' He cleared his throat and then – he went loose. 'WHAT KIND OF SENTENCE IS THAT? Just – what is it supposed to mean? I know my chocolate – and you don't want it warm. Nor is it ever, _ever _husky. It's not an adjective you can ascribe to chocolate. If you're going to make a comparison, make sure the tertium comperationis is something they _actually have in common! _And then -' He looked lost for words and pointed at the book. 'It's so specific – like just "chocolate" or "fudge" or "caramel" isn't enough, no, she has to be _this specific _and then add "or something"? WHAT? Being so specific is bad – then saying it might be something else is just _horrible! _Horrible! Like what is it then, hmm, author? White melted chocolate fudge caramel? Or am I completely off and could his voice be like a rock? WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH THIS SENTENCE?'

'Hey, Moony – calm down,' Sirius said, taken aback. He placed his hands on Remus's shoulders and squeezed. 'It's just fanfiction. It's just a story. This hasn't been edited, this is just a teenage girl writing, it's not a published author, it's just one sentence… You can survive this, okay? Be strong.'

Remus was breathing heavily. 'But that sentence – that _sentence _- '

'I know. But shouting won't make it go away. Okay?'

'Okay.'

_**Oh my! **_

'I think "Oh my"?' Lily said. 'I am not amused. I don't think that. Ever.'

**I spent the night in James Potter's bed – **

'WHAT?'

'I thought it was me,' said Sirius. He scanned the beginning of the page. 'Yes, it's about me! Grey eyes like limpid tears – that's always me! And definitely not Prongs. His eyes are hazel, guys. How did I become Prongs all of a sudden?'

'How did James become such a dick, you mean,' Lily said. 'I… gah!'

**and he was there, too! **

'Yes, and it's creepy,' Lily said. 'You were unconscious! Be freaked out!'

**I suddenly notice I'm not wearing any pants. **

'Mother of Merlin. This has just got a whole lot worse.' Lily glared at the book. 'Does that James have no manners at all? This is just downright disgusting. Taking advantage of a girl when she's drunk.'

Though no one said it, they all thought back of the one time James _could've _taken advantage of a drunken girl. Last year, at the post-Quidditch party, Lily had become so inebriated she'd offered herself to James, who had then told her that was not a good idea. At the time Lily had been mortified she'd been rejected – but now she was happy he had. Especially when reading this story, because it brought up the anger of men who _did _take advantage of people like that.

'**O-oh.' I look down at my legs and he follows my gaze. He seems to like what he sees.**

'He is so scary. James, why are you such a rapist?'

'Only in the fanfiction,' he said.

'**Did we… Did we have… you know…?' I say, all awkwardness and inexperience with this sort of thing. **

'That sentence is bad and you should feel HORRIBLE!' Remus yelled. 'Author! Shame! On! You!'

**My subconscious rolls her eyes at me. **

'Sorry, what? My _subconscious?_' Lily said, looking at Peter, sure she'd misunderstood. 'Er… shouldn't my subconscious be something I'm… not aware of? When did that change?'

'Around the time my eyes became grey and I turned into a rapist, I'd reckon,' said James.

_**Of course you had sex with him; you spent the night in his bed. What else was he supposed to do?**_

'My subconscious expects you to take advantage of me. My subconscious is a horrible person. I'd kind of expect him to, you know, _respect me_ and – why am I even trying? This is just revolting.' Lily crossed her arms.

'**No, Lily – I prefer my women conscious,' he said. **

'Well, at least he didn't sleep with you,' Peter said. 'Feel better now?'

'Marginally so. He's still a dick.'

'**Necrophilia isn't my kind of thing.'**

'There's a difference between death and sleep,' said Remus. 'Or even unconsciousness. Shouldn't he say "somnophilia"? Do the research, author. Because this doesn't necessarily mean he didn't want to sleep with her even though she was unconscious.'

'Remus, could you please not make rapist!James any scarier than he already is?' Sirius said.

**_What is his kind of thing_? I wonder. **

'I'd say "you are", but in this context that would be creepy,' James said. He looked sideways at Lily. 'I'm not really a rapist, though.'

She smiled and unfolded her arms so she could grab his hand. 'I know that. I'm not angry with you – I'm angry with the author.'

**Oh, I want to have sex with this man – so badly. **

'How did this happen?' Lily let go of James's hand immediately. 'What leap did we just make in this story?'

'**Why aren't I wearing my jeans?' I ask instead, **

'Because he raped you!' Peter said. 'Isn't that obvious?'

**because it's easier than thinking about James _completely _naked as opposed to the _mostly _naked he is now.**

'… she doesn't ask it because she wants to know why she's _not wearing her pants while spending the night in someone's bed_?' Sirius asked, incredulous. 'Forget James having the wrong characterization – our Lily would've smacked this guy, stolen his pants and then left, and none of this creepiness would've occurred. Where is your spine, girl?'

'**You'd vomited all over them,' he said. **

'That is a legitimate reason to take your jeans off,' Remus said.

'Don't care; he's still scary.'

**Suddenly his voice is stern and I flinch under his disapproval. **

'And now I get father-vibes,' Lily said. 'What isn't wrong with this story?'

'**Remus is cleaning them.'**

Remus's jaw dropped. 'What? I'm suddenly your _cleaning man_? What?'

'So now we have Peter the rapist, James the rapist, Lily the spineless damsel and Remus the cleaner,' Sirius said, ticking them off on his fingers. 'I wonder what I'll be… Mass murderer, perhaps? Escapee from Azkaban?'

'Probably just a horrible womanizer,' said Peter. 'You always are in fanfiction, Pads.'

**He's scolding me. This is so embarrassing. I have to bite back tears as I whisper, **

'_That _line makes me cry? I don't want Remus cleaning my jeans?'

'It's more about the scolding,' said Peter.

'I still wouldn't cry over it. I'm proud to say I can handle worse than James scolding me.'

'**Why… Do you have to scold me like this?'**

'**You're lucky I'm just scolding you,' James murmurs. **

Lily let out a short laugh. 'What is that supposed to mean? That he could've been cursing me, but opts to just shout at me instead? Oh, yeah, I get why I'd want to have sex with this arse.'

**His voice is stern now, **

'It was stern two paragraphs ago,' Remus said. 'Please pay attention to your own text.'

**not at all the playful tone I'm used to. 'If you were mine, you wouldn't be able to sit for a week after that stunt you pulled! **

They were all silent for a couple of seconds.

'Right. So that would make James an _abusive _rapist,' Sirius said. 'Are we sure this is romance? It sounds like the beginning of a thriller to me. Girl wakes up after a night drinking, this strange man comes in, there's the hint he might've raped her over the night and now he's threatening her with physical violence, saying she got off lucky…'

**Drinking on an empty stomach, endangering yourself like that… I hate to think what could've happened to you.'**

'Well, it's none of you fucking business, is it?' Lily said. 'If fanfiction!me wants to drink, then she can, dammit!'

**If I were his… Oh, what wouldn't I do to be his! **

'WHAT? IS SHE RETARDED?' Lily jumped up and kicked the book from Sirius's hands. 'What is this? I just – he just _threatened me_ with violence! He all but said "If you were my girlfriend I'd beat you up" – and all she can think of is becoming his girlfriend? WHAT?'

'I think we can say this story has failed on every level,' said Sirius.

'Yes, we can say that. Good _lord_, this was bad. This was… Yugh. I feel dirty now.' Lily sat down again. 'Sorry for that outburst, I just… I lost it there for a second.'

'We get it,' said James. Lily looked up when he grabbed her hand. 'But let's just console ourselves with the thought that if our names hadn't been there, we never would've recognized "ourselves", so it's not really about us.'

'That's… true.'

'So… shall we do another one, to wash the filth of this one away?' Peter said, Summoning the book.

'Oh, fine,' Lily sighed. 'Just make it one that doesn't push all my wrong buttons, okay?'

* * *

**A/N: A couple of things I'd like to say!**

**1. In reply to a review who hasn't got a fanfiction account: I use apostrophes instead of quotation marks because that is the proper way in England (while Americans do use the quotation marks) and Harry Potter is a British fandom. (Though I'm cheating here, because my American fanfanfictions have also got apostrophes, but anyway).  
**

**2. This one isn't very funny, but I wanted to put in another cliché that is very terrifying and seems to be present more and more since Twilight. This guy? A psychopath. This is not romantic, it's not sweet, it's not funny. Stalking isn't love, controlling isn't love, abuse isn't love. Girls these days are confronted with all kinds of media wherein this is presented as good and romantic - because look, he saved her, so that makes it okay that he stalked her cell phone and then slept in the same bed with her? But okay, I won't rant about that. Just wanted to share it with you.  
**

**3. The sentence about the husky voice fudge brownie? I didn't make that up. Nor did I come up with the scary scenario Sirius described, or the 'You're lucky I'm just scolding you'. No, those were taken from an actual fandom that IS NOW A PUBLISHED NOVEL MY GOD HOW DID THAT SHITE GET PUBLISHED WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO THE WORLD  
**

**4. Ten points to the one who guesses what shite I parodied.  
**


	29. Take my hand and never let go

**A/N: internet-cookies and ten points to the awesome pumpkins who guessed that the last scene was from _Fifty Shades of Grey_. The beginning of chapter five, edited for maximum awfulness, but none of it doesn't appear in the series. (I kid you not. It really is that awful. Don't read it if you can help it.) Anyway, here's the next chapter!**

* * *

'Okay, this one is about Sirius and Dumbledore and apparently they're going to take over the world,' said Peter. 'That sounds harmless enough, compared to scary rape scenes and everything, right?'

'Dumbledore taking over the world?' said Remus. 'How do fanfiction authors come _up _with things like this?'

'I'm ready for it,' said Sirius. 'As long as there's no slash, no rape and no man-eating, I should be fine!'

'He's asking for it,' Peter muttered to Remus. 'I'm sure God has now changed this story just so all those things are in it.'

'Don't be ridiculous. Sirius and Dumbledore? No one would ship that,' Remus said. Then he remembered someone had even thought to ship Sirius with Snape and he wasn't so sure of his words anymore.

'**You summoned me, Professor?' Sirius Black stepped into the Headmaster's office, holding his bleeding arm against his chest. **

'Good, a dramatic entrance,' Lily said. 'What have you done?'

'We don't know yet,' said Sirius. 'I like to think I just saved the world from evil Death Eaters, or maybe that I had kinky sex with a beautiful girl… or maybe Peter tried to make brownies again.'

'That _was _a bloody mess,' James said.

'Every time one of you mentions something like that I wonder if it's something I want to know.' Lily nudged James in the ribs. 'Am I to think "bloody" is the literal bloody right now?'

'Yeah. When the brownies came out of the oven Peter wanted to cut them, but they were rock hard…'

'Okay, while James is telling that thrilling tale, let's continue, shall we?' Sirius said.

**Dumbledore swivelled around on his chair and looked at Sirius; **

'I hate fanfiction. Already I'm seeing homoerotic subtext and it's _not even there_,' Peter said. 'How did my brain get messed up like this?'

'Peter, that isn't funny. Not with _Albus_, of all people. That man has to be over a hundred.' Sirius wrinkled his nose. 'I hate you, Peter. I don't want to think these things…'

'He's just looking at you. You came in, bleeding – it's not subtext. Only in Peter's mind,' said Remus.

**at his bleeding arm, the wound on his head, **

'Okay, this sounds like I'm in battle – that's good. It's manly.'

**his grey eyes, his well-defined biceps and butt, **

'Or not.' Sirius glared at the book and did his best to push the images from his mind of him and Dumbledore. 'Dumbledore is checking me out. That's just revolting. That's just – yugh.'

'At least no one said anything about limpid tears,' Peter said.

**not to mention his delicate, almost feminine, but still undeniably sexy hands. **

Sirius looked at his hands. 'Where did that aside come from? My hands aren't feminine, are they?'

'Maybe Dumbledore has a hand fetish,' Peter said, grinning. 'It could be that he thinks your hands are delicate and that you've just never noticed him looking at you like that…'

Sirius put his hands in his pockets. 'My hands are the manliest hands ever known to man. Just thought I'd mention it. Nothing delicate or feminine about it. Though they might be sexy.' He paused. 'I have no idea, I'm not into hands…'

'**Yes, Sirius,' he said, stroking his beard with one hand. With the other he motioned for another chair, but not a cool one that can rotate but just a normal one. **

'That sentence is bad, but I can take it after the last story,' Remus said. 'Shame that you don't get a cool chair, though.'

'Does this mean Dumbledore _does _have one of those chairs? Because now I just imagine him in his office, going around and around on his chair while he should be working,' Sirius said.

'**Sit down. You're bleeding.'**

'**Yeah, a Death Eater cast a nasty spell at me,' Sirius said, wincing. **

'It probably wasn't meant that way, but I can only read this as "The Death Eater was _mean _to me!"' Remus said. 'Surprisingly in-character, isn't it?'

'Piss off, Moony. I'm bleeding after a dramatic fight – let's see what _you're _doing then, shall we?'

'**I should be all right later.'**

'See? I have the pain and I suffer through it like a man!'

'**No doubt. Sirius, there are some thing I'd like to discuss with you,' Dumbledore said. He leaned forward and pressed his hands together while looking intensely at Sirius. **

'Oooh, intense looks,' Peter said, nodding at Sirius.

'Wormtail, don't. You're annoying.'

'**In truth, I want to offer you something.'**

Peter and Remus chuckled at each other, making Sirius roll his eyes.

'Guys, no one – _no one – _would be stupid enough to write about a relationship between Dumbledore and me. No matter how glaring the subtext is, Dumbledore isn't my type. For some reason. I think it's the beard.'

'**Really?' Sirius didn't know what it could be. He was curious. **

'We can tell. What an emotion,' Remus said. 'This author sure knows how to tell a thrilling tale.'

'It's about Sirius and Dumbledore taking over the world – it could still be become thrilling,' Peter said. 'You and Lily are so prejudiced, you need to learn how to give stories a chance.'

'I have given stories a chance and look where it got me! In relationships with Padfoot, in a girl's body, working as a cleaner…'

'**Sirius, I can offer you the world!' **

'… For some reason, I don't like that,' Sirius said. 'It makes it sound like I should sleep with him before he'll help me, doesn't it, Prongs? Prongs?' He glanced to his side, where James was sitting – and didn't believe his eyes.

Peter and Remus followed his gaze. Peter's eyes nearly popped out of his head and Remus blinked so rapidly his eyes started to hurt. Nobody noticed as the Companion slid from Peter's hands and onto the ground.

Because right there, less than two feet away from Sirius, were James and Lily, kissing.

'I… should we…' Sirius wanted to know James's take on the world-line. He really did. But he couldn't just interrupt Prongs when he was snogging Lily, could he? At least not the first time.

'Well, that…' Remus coughed. 'Okay. Guess Lily's crisis is solved now.'

'Seems like it,' Peter said. 'How long d'you think they've been doing that?'

Sirius shrugged. 'No idea. Should we give them some privacy and… continue reading?'

Peter nodded and picked up the book from the floor. Turning back to the right page, he continued reading.

**Dumbledore held out his hand. 'Join me in my conquest of the world. Together we will rule!'**

'So, homoerotic subtext,' Remus said. He scratched his nose, knowing no one was really focused on the story. 'I think the "sleep with me and you'll have power" might be a proper analysis of the story, Pads.'

**Sirius's spirits rose. He clenched the hand of his good arm into a fist. **

Peter paused and read the beginning of the story again. 'Okay, is it me, or is there a lot of focus on hands in this story? It's like every action that's described has to do with hands…'

'**What do you mean?'**

'**Voldemort is but a step in the grand scheme of things, Sirius. **

'Okay, so, we now have a gay, hand obsessed Dumbledore who seems a bit scary,' Peter said. 'Forget the "sleep with me" line, this is just plain out of the mouth of a villain!'

**We can be more – **

'_We can be loveeeers_,' Remus sang, causing Lily and James to break their kiss.

'Who? What? Remus?' James said, looking very confused. 'You're whose lover? What happened?'

'Dumbledore wants to sleep with Sirius in exchange for world domination,' said Peter matter-of-factly.

'Hey Prongs. Good to see you're back.' Sirius grinned and winked at Lily. 'So, the two of you were having fun, eh?'

'Y-yeah, well…' James glanced at Lily, who was smiling broadly. 'Yeah, we were having fun.'

'By all means, continue,' said Sirius. 'Don't let this wonderful story interrupt your lovemaking.'

'Don't mind if we do,' Lily said, grabbing James by his tie and pulling him close for another kiss.

'Ah, young love,' Remus said. 'So, where were we?'

'Dumbledore saying he and Pads could be more than Voldemort,' said Peter.

**we can finish what he never could. **

'Dumbledore really is a psychopath, then,' Sirius said. 'I don't think finishing what Voldemort started is a good idea. Albus, if you're going to seduce me, this is not the way to do it.'

'Do you mean to imply that there is a way for Dumbledore to seduce you?' Peter said. 'My, Padfoot, I'd never thought old men would be your style…'

Sirius glared at him. 'You just _want _there to be subtext. You _always _go on about it. Is there any particular reason why you so badly want me to be gay, Wormtail?'

**All you need to do is trust me.' **

**Sirius stared at the hand Dumbledore offered him, unsure of what he was supposed to do. World domination? Him? **

'We're doomed,' Remus said.

**To have the world in the palm of his hands… **

'I'm starting to see the hand focus,' Sirius said.

**It would be magnificent. **

'No, it would be a disaster,' said Remus. 'Sirius in charge over the world? How quickly do you want it to end? He'd probably _lose _it somewhere and then say "ah, well, who needs the world anyway?"'

Sirius rolled his eyes. 'You could have _some _faith in me as ruler of the world, Moony.'

'I'll believe in your skills when you start writing your essays on time.'

**He and Dumbledore – **

'Together!' Peter exclaimed. 'Forever!'

'Peter, stop it.'

**Albus, he thought to himself – to rule together. His hands shook at the thought of the power he would possess. **

'Remember what you said in the last story, where we were all rapists and psychopaths and you thought you'd go to Azkaban?' Remus said. 'I think you might just be the new Voldemort.'

'That's new,' said Sirius. 'Especially when Dumbledore is the one inspiring to become him. Have these authors even _read _canon, whatever that might be?'

'Maybe you don't get a lot of lines and characterization in canon,' Peter said.

'Pete, canon is about Harry Potter. Prongs's boy. Of course I get a lot of lines – I have no doubt I'll be the most important person in his life! Like a father figure, only better.'

**But…**

'**What about the others?' he asked. He placed his hands on his legs to stop them from shaking.**

'I like that he thinks about others,' said Peter. 'It's a nice change from the self-centred brat he is in most fanfictions. And real life.'

'I'm not _that _self-centred. I just have a healthy interest in my own profit,' said Sirius.

**Dumbledore took his glasses off with his hand **

'And I thought he'd use his nose,' Peter said. 'Now I can't stop wondering what Dumbledore's hands look like.'

'Wrinkly, probably,' said Sirius. 'Not delicate, feminine and sexy.'

**and cleaned them with his robe. Sirius stared entranced as Dumbledore moved his thumb over the glass. **

'Author, I don't have a hand fetish. Especially not for old hands. Just thought I'd let you know.'

'**The others, Mr Black?'**

'**Yeah – James and Remus and Lily,' Sirius said. **

'And again, Pete's not mentioned,' Remus said. 'Why do people hate you? Just… why?'

**He didn't include Peter because he was a stupid Death Eater and not a Marauder anymore. **

'That's why,' Peter said. 'Because I'm really a Death Eater type…?'

'The same way I'm really gay with Dumbledore,' Sirius said, shrugging. 'Just ignore the hate, Pete. At least you're not Snivellus, right?'

'Right…'

'Come on, Wormy, man up,' Sirius said. 'You think you got it bad? I'm being seduced by Dumbledore in this scene. Prongs was an abusive rapist in the last story and don't forget he got pregnant. Remus is a wimp in every story. You might be hated, but at least you don't have _that _shit.'

**And his hands were fat. **

'That's true, though,' Sirius said, looking at Peter's hands.

'Well, we can't all be effeminate,' said Peter.

'**What's their place in the scheme of things?'**

'Already Ï sound like an evil overlord,' Sirius said. 'Not sure if I like it.'

'But at least you're good at it. You should keep it in mind for when being an Auror doesn't work out for you,' Peter said. 'I assume I'll be your beta…'

'You're really stupid if you think so, Pete. If I'm going to rule the world, Prongs is going to be my beta. We'd unleash mayhem upon the world, give Hogwarts a new class – "Pranking for experts" – install a new dress code where pretty girls have to wear short skirts…' Sirius sighed happily. 'Maybe I _should _become an evil overlord.'

'**They will survive,' **

'That's nice – my friends don't die. Good.'

**Dumbledore hand waved the matter. 'I wouldn't want to hurt you, Sirius.' **

Sirius choked, all pleasant dreams of world domination forgotten. 'Is this going to be…?'

'Only one way to find out,' Remus said.

**His blue eyes were piercing and he suddenly grabbed Sirius's hand **

'Gah! Don't do that, Albus!'

'It gets worse, Pads,' Peter said.

**and put one of the fingers in his mouth. **

Sirius clenched his hands into fists. 'No, no, no, stop this! Stop it now! I – the – _ALBUS DUMLBEDORE _of all people!'

His cry was loud enough to interrupt Lily and James once more.

'What's with Albus?' said James.

'**I'd never want to hurt you, Sirius. I love y**ou.'

'That's with Albus,' said Peter, closing the Companion. 'Dumbledore is trying to seduce him.'

James blinked. 'I think I have probably spent my time better than you have.'

'Yes, well, seeing as Lily's the only pretty girl at Hogwarts right now and she's already taken, we have to make our own fun,' said Sirius. 'But enough about strange world domination and slash – the two of you, are you now officially a couple or should we still be more or less subtle when Lily's around?'

'Padfoot, you wouldn't know subtlety if it high fived you in the face with a chair,' James said.

Sirius shrugged. 'Only because it's boring. Tact is just lying to people, Prongs.'

'But yeah, I guess we are dating now.' Lily laced her fingers through James's and smiled.

'Dorea is going to laugh her head off when she hears,' Sirius said. 'I can already picture her reaction – "Well, about time, James! What took you so long?" Oh, Lily, you're going to love Dorea; she's a lot like you. Always bossing Prongs around while making it clear she adores him…'

'What do you say if you and I go somewhere Sirius is not?' Lily said to James, trying to block Sirius's jabbering from her mind.

'Brilliant,' he said. 'Any preferences?'

'Somewhere comfortable.'

'Gotcha. Lads, I'll see you later – I have a date with Lily Evans.' He and Lily left the Common Room, both still grinning like a pair of eejits. Which was quite fitting, Sirius thought, because they _were _a pair of eejits.

'Are we up for another story or is it going to be Exploding Snap?' he said.

Remus raised his eyebrows. 'You know, Sirius, I think I might have a better idea…'


	30. Sir Sirius and his Knights

**A/N: There seems to be a minor misunderstanding among some of my readers. I write _everything _in the Companion; their reactions, but the horrible stories they read as well, except when otherwise said in my Author's Notes. So far, every chapter they've read is by me, save for chapter 11 (_Chocoholic_, by Carrot-Bunny), chapter 24 (_Serenity Starr and the Kings of time,_ by dndchk), chapter 26 (_Going Under_, by millie-mae). All of these have been written especially for the Companion of have the author's consent. I don't have the author's consent for _Thirty Ms_ (which is originally _Thirty Hs _by Secondpillow, and of course I don't own the parts by JK Rowling. Every other chapter? Written by me. I critize my own work. And in reply to one review, yes, I also wrote _The Fi__fth Marauder_, which exists of solely the chapter that they read. **

**Right, on with the story.**

* * *

After dinner that day, Lily and James decided to put a temporary end to their snogfest and spend some time with the rest of the Marauders. They weren't surprised to find the others in the Common Room, poured over the Companion. They looked very happy with themselves – even more so than usual.

'Why do I have the feeling they're up to something?' Lily muttered to James.

'I suggest you stay alert. Just in case.'

'Around you lot, I'm always alert. Believe me, Potter, I may not know everything you get up to, but I know enough to never trust you combined. Especially when they're laughing like that.'

He grinned as he sat down. 'Clever girl. Hey guys.'

'Ah, the illustrious Mister Potter has decided to grace us with his presence once again,' said Sirius. 'How honoured we are.'

'Fuck you,' James said, wrapping one arm around Lily's shoulders. 'What have we missed?'

'Oh, nothing much,' Peter said. 'I mean, we saved the world while you were away, found a cure for dragon pox, ended world hunger and were back in time to make wonderful pancakes…'

'But other than that our lives have been boring without you,' said Remus.

'Well, I can't say the same about my life without you. I had a great time.'

'Who'd have known?' Sirius said. 'You know, we, er, came across a story that sounded like fun. It's called _Sir Sirius and the Knights of the Round Table_ and hey, if that title isn't awesome, what is, right?'

'_Sir Sirius and the Knights of the Round Table_?' Lily bit back her laughter. 'What, is it some sort of epic about your deeds of saving the kingdom, while courting beautiful women everywhere?'

'Something like that,' Sirius said. 'Are you ready?'

**This is the tale of Sirius Black, a young knight so noble, so chivalrous and so funny, his deeds have been passed on to future generations **

'The fangirl who wrote this was fapping to it,' James said. 'Why _anyone _would want Sirius's deeds to be passed down through the ages…'

'I'd say we have a couple of pranks worthy of immortality,' said Sirius. 'Also, I take offence to your lack of trust in me. Haven't you read how noble, chivalrous and funny I am?'

**so they could learn and become better beings. **

'This doesn't mean they'll become like Sirius, right?' said Lily. 'Because if he's going to inspire the future generations…'

'… the world would be made of awesome, exactly, Evans.' Sirius got up and ruffled her hair.

**He had his noble friend, Knight Remus Lupin, **

'Since when does the magical world have Knights?' Lily said. 'I mean… you don't, right?'

**who had slain the dragon of Antioch, who had been present at the battle of Hogwarts **

'The Battle of Hogwarts?' said James. 'What, the biggest detention ever?'

'You focus on all the wrong things,' said Peter. 'Moony also killed the dragon of Antioch! A fearsome creature if there ever was one, with eyes like burning fire and – and - '

'And a tail made out of smaller dragons that all attacked you as well,' Remus said. 'It was an incredibly hard kill and before me no one had dared even approach the awful creature.'

**and who could eat no less than five bars of chocolate under a minute. His other friend was Knight Peter Pettigrew, who was an all-around shagmobile **

'Who wrote this?' James said. 'I mean, I'm glad Peter's finally getting some action, but… What?'

'Prongs, this has to be written by the greatest creative minds of our time,' Remus said. 'You laugh, but this is high quality literature. That right there gives the fanfiction!Peter hidden depths and a backstory!'

'Fine, fine,' James said. 'I just thought it was odd, is all.'

**and had loads of illegitimate babies.**

**One day, Sir Sirius was just riding his noble steed through the country when he came upon a young couple frolicking in the grass! **

'Is this "Enter Lily and James"?' Lily said. 'Who have neither slain dragons _nor _given birth to illegitimate children?'

'Prongs might've,' said Sirius. 'I don't think he was _married _to Snivel - '

'All right, Padfoot, time to shut up.'

**Sir Sirius looked at Lord Remus, who simply sighed. Lord Remus generally didn't have time for things like girls and the like, because he had to be out saving the world from danger. **

'"Saving the world from…"' Lily shook her head. 'Have you all got hobbies I never noticed you had? Since when do you go around saving the world?'

'Lily, you only know him by day,' said Sirius. 'But at night Remus takes off his robes to reveal his super outfit, including tights and this strange thing with his underpants over his normal clothing, and he goes out and _saves the world! _It's only because of him that the Trolls of Tarantula didn't attack the school last year.'

Lily raised an eyebrow. 'Funny, I never noticed that.'

'Only because I do my job so well,' said Remus. 'You don't have to thank me – it's just the right thing to do.'

'You know, they're uttering more bullshit than usual,' Lily said to James. 'I can't be the only one who's getting suspicious here.'

'**Good day,' Sir Sirius said to the couple.**

**The couple turned out to be a red haired girl and a boy with glasses and HAZEL EYES LIKE LIMPID TEARS. **

'Well, that's a first,' said James. 'Did you really have to shout it, Peter?'

Peter gave him a dude-ur-so-retarded look. 'It's in capitals, Prongs, so yes, I did have to shout it. Otherwise the importance of the sentence wouldn't come across, now, would it?'

'Please respect Peter's creative interpretation of the text, James,' Sirius said. 'Don't be so rude.'

**(Sir Sirius didn't have them, because the depth of his eyes was incomparable to anything like tears.) **

'They're definitely up to something,' James whispered to Lily.

**The boy was obviously a bit of a sissy, with glasses that he should've replaced ages ago and an annoying habit of tapping his leg with his hands when he was talking. **

'That's unfair – I don't notice it when I do that,' James said loudly.

'That doesn't make it any less annoying,' said Sirius. 'You know, Prongs, I think you should take what this fanfiction says to heart. You might learn valuable things about life and annoying tics you have.'

**It annoyed Sir Sirius, Lord Remus and Knight Peter very much.**

'Very much,' Peter repeated. 'Especially at dinner.'

'And when we're studying,' said Remus.

'Are you trying to tell me something?' James said. He started tapping his leg, just to annoy them.

'**Hey guys,' he said.**

'**Prongs, you are such a wanker,' said Sir Sirius. **

'Truer words have never been spoken,' Sirius said. 'All listen to Sir Sirius!'

'**Where were you yesterday when we were slaying the Mantichore of Evilness? **

'The…'

'Evans, shut up, it's a very evil creature,' Peter snapped. 'And Prongs wasn't there to defeat him! Not that we needed him, of course…'

**How come you weren't present when I personally defeated the Wizard of Wickedness?'**

'**Too busy dancing around in the garden with his girlfriend,' said Knight Peter. **

'Oh, come on – surely you could fight someone named the Wizard of Wickedness?' said James. 'He sounds like Sirius should be able to take him on his own – easily. So there's no reason why I shouldn't be with my girlfriend.'

'You weren't just _with_ her, you were dancing in the garden,' Sirius said. 'Doing that strange thing where you hold hands and run through the fields and just look like a complete nutcase because it's so sappy.'

'Still sounds better than fighting the Wicked Wizard.'

'**Shame on you, Mister Potter, for forgetting your Marauder's ways in the sight of a girl's bosom.'**

'As if I'm the only one!'

'The only one with success,' said Lily, smirking at Sirius. 'I guess the other Marauders are just jealous – right, Sirius?'

'Hey, I was saving the world from danger. I didn't need to shag my girlfriend,' said Sirius. 'I just have different priorities.'

'**It was - 'James said, but Lord Remus interrupted him.**

'**No, there are no excuses. **

'Remus is in full Prefect mode, I notice,' James said.

**Because you have neglected your Marauder duties, there is only one thing for you. Code _Red_.' **

Lily snorted. 'You have _codes_? I thought you just had "The Marauders' Code" – but you actually _label _them?'

'No,' James said at the same time Sirius and Peter said, 'Of course!'

**His eyes flashed dangerously and James staggered back, shielding his eyes with his arm.**

'Because Remus's glare is just so evil?' said James. 'Why am I suddenly such a loser?'

'Losing your masculinity because you're not around us enough,' said Sirius. 'That's what you get when you have a girlfriend. In cases like that… well, you need a Code Red to get you back on track.'

'**No! Not Code Red!'**

'**I'm afraid we have no other choice, Prongs,' Sir Sirius said, shaking his head. 'We don't want to do this, but sometimes…'**

'Just a sec – what is a Code Red, anyway?' Lily said.

'**What's Code Red?' Lily said. **

'Wow, I'm in character!'

'Like I said: this is written by literary geniuses,' said Remus. 'People so talented they just _know _how you would react, because they're just that good.'

Now something clicked in Lily's head. She threw her head back and laughed. 'Oh my god, you wrote this?'

'No!' Sirius rolled his eyes at her. 'Evans, do you really think we'd waste our time -' He caught her look and sighed. 'Yes, okay, we did. But you have to admit, it is one of the best things we've read yet, right?'

'You are such a narcissist,' Lily said. 'A Knight so noble his deeds had to be remembered? Really, Sirius?'

He shrugged sheepishly. 'If I had to write fanfiction, I was going to do it well.'

'Continue – I want to know what Code Red means,' James said.

'**Code Red is when you have breached the Code so severely, there is only one thing you can do to make it up to us.' Sir Sirius got off his horse and walked towards James. 'In order to gain our forgiveness, **

'You just loved writing this, didn't you?' James said to Sirius, who grinned.

'Best fun I've had in ages. I should do it more often.'

**James will have to do a naked conga **

'Nice,' Lily said.

Peter groaned. 'Lily, please don't say that.'

'So you're allowed to make comments on my sex life _all the time_, going on about how I should shag James and whatnot, and when _I _say anything that has something to do with James and sex, you get nervous?'

'Pretty much,' Sirius said. 'Glad we're so clear on this.'

**while singing the Russian national anthem in ancient Norwegian **

'Does anyone of you actually _know _the Russian national anthem?' James said.

'No, but that's irrelevant. You're the one who needs to sing it,' said Remus.

**in canon, **

'On my own? I have several voices?'

'Again, that's not our problem, mate. You're the one who got to Code Red.'

**while waving around a flag with our - ' He gestured at himself, Peter and Remus, ' – faces on it. It is the only way.'**

James shook his head, laughing. 'My friends are complete shitheads.'

'And you love us for it,' said Peter. 'Don't you?'

'I'll just say "yes", before I have to translate Russian anthems into Norwegian.'

'_Ancient _Norwegian,' Sirius said. 'Otherwise it'd just be a Code Pink, wouldn't it?'

**James looked resigned. 'I suppose I have no other choice then.'**

'**Oh, and you have to drink a gallon of tomato juice,' Knight Peter said quickly.**

'That's just gross,' James said.

'It's very healthy, Prongs.' Sirius placed a hand over his heart and put on his most concerned expression. 'We do nothing if not care for your health.'

'So if I died of embarrassment…'

'That won't be a problem. Hence the tomato juice; it's save you so you can life with the shame forever!'

'**And your hair should be shaped like a phoenix,' said Lord Remus.**

James was silent. 'You know, that would be very cool… Impossible with my hair, but very cool.'

'Maybe we should try some way to do that,' said Sirius. 'My hair should be able to look like a Phoenix, right? Who knows, we might set a trend…'

'**And in the meanwhile, we will** **get popcorn, look at you and laugh!'**

'That's as far as we got before you two entered,' said Remus.

'So, what do you think?' Peter looked at James and Lily. 'I came up with the Code Red.'

'It has to be one of the best stories I've ever read,' Lily said. 'The witty dialogue, the characterization, the plot – it was stunning. How do you come up with something of this awesomeness?'

'We're born with it, darling,' Sirius said. 'Being accomplished at things like writing novels is something that just comes with being a Marauder. You should wait until we write a symphony; it'll beat Mozart.'

'Oh, I've no doubt,' Lily said. 'After all, I heard James sing under the shower – it really gave me confidence in your musical skills.'

'Prongs isn't exactly the creative mastermind in our group,' said Sirius. 'After all, he didn't contribute to this piece of art either.'

'How was it going to end?' said James.

Sirius, Remus and Peter exchanged looks. Peter raised his eyebrows and Sirius and Remus nodded.

Peter cleared his throat and went to sit more comfortably. 'The rest of the story would be a gripping tale of friendship and adventures, where the brave protagonists would be faced with dangers such as monsters, murderers – and themselves. On their journey they encounter loss, but they also learn the value of trust and friendship. Oh, and there's going to be a _huge _explosion when we escape from Gringotts after breaking in.' His eyes gleamed with excitement.

'I can't wait to read the rest,' Lily said.

'Until then…' Sirius looked through the Companion. 'This is a story about Remus and – you'll never guess this one – my cousin, Nymphadora Tonks. Everyone who wants to read that says "Aye"!'

"AYE!"


	31. Young Love

**A/N: By popular request: A Remus/Tonks fic! Oh, and props to bluemeanies, who did some research on the Russian national anthem in 19771978. Luckily for James, it turns they _did _have an anthem; it was made in 1977, so by December they did have one. Not that Sirius would've cared if the Russians hadn't had an anthem; James just should've written one in Russian and then translate it. Probably. **

**On with the story!**

* * *

'Okay, so, who is the other person again?' Remus said.

'My cousin's daughter, Nymphadora. She's… four now, I think? Maybe five. Something like that.'

'What on earth would I be doing with her?'

Sirius grinned. 'Let's see, shall we?'

**As Remus wiped the gooey red finger paint off his forehead, he swore he would never forgive Sirius for this. **

'We're off to a good start,' Lily said. 'Remus got into trouble because of Sirius? Very realistic.'

'Although the real Remus would forgive me,' said Sirius. 'He loves me too much to hold something against me for very long. And of course I'd take his Lord-ness from him.'

**Even if they both lived to be a hundred and fifty Remus would _still _hold Sirius responsible for doing this to him. **

'And people call me a drama queen.'

'Maybe what you did to me is just very awful – ever considered that?'

'Guys,' Peter said, sounding a bit worried. 'I… This isn't something _shipping _Remus with the girl, right? Because that would be very scary, very weird and it would make Remus a paedophile…'

'Don't be silly, Peter,' Lily said. 'The worst Remus ever is, is a sissy or James's cleaner. No one would set him up with girls thirteen years his junior.'

**He was supposed to write essays before the new school year started, he still had loads of things to buy and his chocolate stash was low; he didn't have time for things like _babysitting_.**

'Oh. No, I'd never forgive you for that,' Remus said. 'I'm horrible with young children.'

'Really?' said Lily. 'I always thought they'd adore you; always carrying chocolate, endless patience…'

Remus shrugged. 'They always hate me. I usually don't even have to say anything for them to conclude I'm either boring, the "Bad Guy" or otherwise evil. Them throwing red paint at me sounds quite probable.'

'**No, please, Dora, come down,' he said, looking at the top of the china cabinet. There, half hidden behind the fancy wooden decoration, was a small girl with bright pink hair, **

'Pink hair?' James said. 'Sirius, what have you done to the poor girl?'

'She's a Metamorphmagus,' Sirius said. 'Last time I saw her, she had blond curls; time before that, the hair was pink and she had this _amazing _pig snout.'

'That must be so cool.' Peter sighed. 'To just change your looks at will…'

'Imagine all the pranks we could pull,' said James. 'And they wouldn't know it was us!'

**grey eyes and a wicked smile that was too much like Sirius's for Remus's comfort.**

'It probably means she's actively out to torture him,' said Sirius. 'That's what I usually try to convey with my smile.'

'**No!' she said petulantly. 'You're stupid.'**

'I see the family resemblance,' said James.

'Just on a side note – I thought you hated your family,' said Lily. 'Why would Remus be babysitting them then?'

'Dora's Andromeda's baby. Andromeda is cool; she married a Muggleborn. They burnt her off the carpet as well.' Sirius stared wistfully at a tapestry on the wall.

'Burnt her off the carpet?'

James nodded. 'There's this big carpet in their house with their family tree on it. We used to be there, too, but I think we were burnt off after taking Sirius in… Walburga hasn't spoken to my mum since, anyway.'

'**I'll be nice, I promise,' he said. **

'I hate you, Peter. Now I get paedophile!vibes,' Remus said. 'I'm not a paedophile!'

'**Just let me get you down from there, okay? You don't want to break anything… right?' **

'If she's related to Sirius, breaking things will be her most natural urge,' said Peter. 'Just thought I'd warn you, story!Remus.'

'That's what I seem afraid of,' said Remus. 'I start to see why I'd never forgive Sirius for this.'

**She shook her head. 'I want Pad to come and play. **

'Oh! She likes me better!'

**Why isn't he here? Mummy promised me he would come! You're stupid!'**

'**Sirius couldn't make it,' Remus said. 'But in thirty minutes a lovely girl is going to come. **

'Remus's girlfriend?' said James. 'I'd laugh so hard if he had a girlfriend.'

**Lily, **

'Never mind. She'd better not be his girlfriend.'

'Talk about possessiveness,' Lily said, rolling her eyes.

**she's very nice. And until then you can play with me. Just please come down from there…'**

**When Sirius had said he couldn't come because he had an interview for the Auror department, **

Sirius pumped his fist in the air. 'Because that's what I'm going to do, bitches. See, fanfiction _knows _I'm going to be an Auror.'

'And of course fanfiction is never wrong,' Remus said. 'I mean, just look at Peter here, who's obviously dead, James, who has given birth to four children, you and me, being gay together…'

'I have a feeling about this, Moony,' said Sirius. 'Sometimes you need to trust your instincts.'

**he had given Remus an innocent, pleading look. **

'I'm not stupid enough to fall for that.'

**As soon as it became clear to Remus that he didn't have much of a choice, **

'That is a nice euphemism for "Sirius used blackmail",' Remus said.

Sirius shrugged. 'Apparently it worked, so I'm not feeling guilty about it.'

'Until both Nymphadora and I are completely traumatized.'

Sirius snorted. 'No, I wouldn't feel guilty then, either. Besides, I'm sure you'll both survive. I wonder what I used, though? If it persuaded Moony to go babysitting, it had to be _very _bad…'

'Maybe those pictures from last year at the lake,' Peter said.

Sirius grinned at the memory. 'Yeah, I guess those _would _be wonderful blackmail material…'

**he started begging his friends to help him. James and Peter had both said they had better things to do, **

'Great friends you have,' Lily said.

'Tell me about it.'

**but Lily, who Remus now thought of as an angel, had offered to help him out. **

'Because I'm nice like that,' Lily said.

**However, if Nymphadora didn't come down _very _fast, he would have other things to worry about; the Tonks's entire china collection, for one, and Nymphadora's safety for another. **

'**Dora, do you w - '**

'**Don't call me that! I'm Joan!'**

'… What?' Remus said.

'She hates her name,' said Sirius. 'Not very surprising, I mean, she's named _Nymphadora_… Most Blacks go through a phase like this. Makes you wonder why they never learn and give their children normal names…'

'How are you planning on calling yours again?' Lily said.

'Alice and Bob. I won't burden my children with a strange name.' He paused. 'Except maybe Guinevere for a girl. Oh, and Althalos or Ulric for a boy. Those names sound manly, don't they?'

**Remus blinked. Only an hour ago she had told him he had to call her Stacey (which he constantly forgot. Maybe that was why she was hiding from him. )**

'The inconsiderate bastard,' Sirius said. 'No wonder she doesn't like you. You never listen to her, Remus. You just don't understand her problems.'

They were distracted by Peter, who gasped. 'Guys – this story _is _listed under Romance. So either Remus is going to shag Lily or we are going to have to keep him away from young girls…'

'Give me that,' Remus said, snatching the book from Peter. He looked at the summary and blanched when he saw the title: _Young Love_. It would be really, really sick if he – no. 'I – let's just assume I'm going to flirt with Lily, okay?'

'**Okay, Joan, will you come down? Please?'**

**She thought about it for a second. 'No!'**

Remus choked. 'There's a white line now, so I guess we're starting another section. I really, really hope…' He didn't know what he hoped. That he would be snogging Lily? He didn't want that in the story. But he didn't want anything concerning romance and a four-year-old either.

'Want me to read?' Lily said.

'Please.'

**Tonks rested her head on her husband's chest, **

'Tonks? Does that mean Nymphadora Tonks or her mother or someone else entirely?' said James.

'Probably Dora; she once wanted me to call her Tonks,' said Sirius. 'So I guess we just made a _huge _jump in time. When Dora's married. Damn, that is a strange throught.'

**feeling tired but content. **

'That's a nice way of saying they had sex,' Peter said.

'**So that was our first meeting? **

'They're not… I mean…' Lily hesitated. 'The context suggests that she is talking to Remus, doesn't it? It's about their first meeting, it has Remus and her listed as main characters…'

'Lily, do you honestly think Remus would marry Dora? The girl has pink hair,' Sirius said. 'Besides, Remus would sooner go for an older woman than one younger than him. He's already like an old man; if he's _really _an old man with a young girl…'

**And there I thought we hadn't met until two years ago… To think you babysat me. I married an old man.' **

'Well, apparently he is an old man with a young girl,' James said. 'That is disturbing.'

Remus held up his hands. 'She sounds legal!'

**He lazily ran his fingers through her hair. It was bubblegum pink, like that first time he saw her. He'd never thought he could like that colour so much. 'You knew I was old.'**

'So let's take a look at this,' Peter said. 'Remus – our Remus, bookish Remus – is now in a relationship with -'

'Married to,' Sirius said.

'- is now married to a girl who's much younger and has pink hair? How did that happen? I know people ship strange things, but isn't this just…' Peter shrugged and looked around at the others. 'I don't see it happening.'

'Oh, I do,' Lily said. 'I think Remus has a streak for energetic, strange girls. I can really picture it, you know.'

'Lily, you ship the strangest couples,' Sirius said. 'You really need to become more realistic.'

'**Yes, but it'd never occurred to me that you were _that _old. I really asked you to call me Joan?'**

'**And Stacey, Emily, Princess Amelia of Fairy Land…'**

'Like you said, Sirius: Blacks and horrible names…' James grinned.

**She grimaced. 'Well, that's still better than Nymphadora, in any case. **

'I quite like Nymphadora,' said Peter. 'It has this nice, mythical feel to it, doesn't it?'

**But in the end Lily saved you?'**

'**Yeah. You liked her.'**

'That's good. You know, for when we have Harry,' James said. 'If you're good with children, then that makes at least one of us. Then all we need to do is keep Moony away from him and he should be fine!'

'I'm more concerned about Sirius, actually,' Lily said. 'Just think of the value system Sirius would teach him…'

'**And I didn't like you, oh, how horrible.' She rolled her eyes. **

'A sarcastic, energetic, pink haired girl,' Peter said. 'Okay, she's getting closer to Remus's type.'

'I still don't think I'd go for girls that young,' Remus said.

'You say that now. Just wait until we're old and girls that young are still pretty,' Sirius said. 'You'll be dying for a girl like that then. In fact, I think we can say you're quite successful in life, Moony.'

'**And then when I did start liking you, it wasn't good, either. You really need to make up your mind, Remus. **

'I love this girl,' James said. 'Listen to your wife, Remus, and stop moping.'

**And learn how to act around children; you're going to need that skill.'**

**He stiffened, **

'Oooh, Remus,' Sirius said. 'Stiffening, hmm?'

'What? I'm married to her, aren't I?' Remus had no idea what side he was supposed to take on this. He didn't even know what side he wanted to be on. After reading how he babysat a girl, how could he possibly think of having sex with her, even if she was a grown-up? It just felt wrong. Also, he couldn't imagine pink hair looking good on anyone.

**noticing something strange in her tone. She sounded very excited… 'Is that so? Why, planning on having any kids over?'**

'**Not exactly…' She turned, so she rested on her elbows, her face only inches away from Remus's. **

'It's strange to read about Remus being in bed with a girl like this,' Sirius said. 'Especially when I know that girl. It feels wrong.'

'I can think of loads of girls who'd want to be in bed with Remus like that,' said Lily. 'And most of them are off age.'

'Ah, but Remus isn't shagging them, is he?'

'Do I need to remind you that right now I'm not shagging _anyone_?' Remus said. He started to get irritated with Sirius's constant remarks. 'Maybe this Nymphadora and I meet in the future. Maybe this is just as strange and impossible as your love for Severus. You, Padfoot, need to learn the difference between fiction and reality.'

'Oh, for the love of Merlin, would you shut up?' Peter said. 'We're getting to the climax of the story and you're ruining it!'

'**Remus, I'm pregnant.'**

'What? _What?_ Are you kidding me?!'

'How can something like this shock him?' James said. 'Remus, even I've been pregnant at this point. It's not that strange for you to impregnate a woman with whom you've had sex. It's kind of what happens.'

'But I can't have children,' said Remus. 'I just can't.'

'Apparently you do. Look, mate, if you're bad with children, that's all right. My mum? She hated children,' James said, but Remus shook his head.

'That's not what I mean. I can't have children because of…' He looked around even though he knew no one was there, and he lowered his voice when he continued, 'because of the FLP.'

'FLP?' Lily said.

'Furry Little Problem,' said Sirius. 'My God, Remus, you're so unnecessarily dramatic sometimes. You married Dora, didn't you? She obviously didn't mind it, unless you somehow managed to hide it from her, which I doubt, because you _suck _at hiding your FLP – '

'But I still can't have _children_! What if they're like me? It would never work!'

Lily let out a deep sigh and got up from James's lap so she could walk over to Remus and put her arms around him. 'Remus, I really doubt your children would become werewolves. I think that if that's what happened, you'd just become infertile.'

'Gee, thanks, Lily.'

'No, I mean – babies aren't generally the way werewolves… procreate. At least… you know what I mean.' Lily wondered what the most politically correct way to say these things was. 'It doesn't make any sense for you to suddenly give the werewolf-ness to someone else by just fathering him.'

'I think I might've read a story about your child, now that we're on this topic,' said Peter. He frowned, deep in thought. 'I think he's called Teddy. Want me to look some up for you, see if he's a werewolf?'

Remus shrugged. 'Er… Yeah, okay. I…' Now that he had heard of the existence of his child – more or less, anyway – he _was _curious. 'I'm going to call him Teddy?'

'It could be that you're naming him after his grandfather, then,' said Sirius.

'My father's named John.'

Sirius rolled his eyes. 'I meant Dora's father. Ted Tonks. It would make sense, wouldn't it?'

'N - '

'Found it!' Peter cried. 'Who wants to read about Remus's kid?'


	32. Maps

'Feel honoured, Remus,' James said. 'We're reading about your son before we're really reading about mine, and we've known Harry exists for _ages_!'

'Yeah, but we always knew you and Lily were going to have enough babies to make your own Quidditch team,' said Sirius. 'Whereas Moony marrying a very young girl and making babies with her… It's far more noteworthy.'

'**Is there any particular reason why you're staring at an old piece of empty parchment?'**

'Knowing the Lupins, it's probably because there's some dead language on it that he feels is interesting,' said Sirius. 'They do that once in a while, person-who-hasn't-got-a-name-yet.'

**Teddy looked up from the parchment and into the green eyes of his best friend, Charles Crawford. **

'MOONY YOUR SON IS GAY!' Peter yelled.

'Er… Pete, he has a friend. That doesn't necessarily mean he's gay,' said Remus. 'Although I'd accept it if he was gay. I'm supportive of that for my children.'

'**Yes, but I don't know what it is,' he said. **

'Doing random things without any reason? If Dora and I weren't related, I'd almost think Remus would have to worry about who the father is,' said Sirius.

'Good thing you know better, than,' Remus said. 'Before you start _shagging my wife_!'

'**Harry **

'HARRY!'

'James, be calm,' Lily said. 'Or do you need me to come over and smother you?'

James wiggled his eyebrows. 'Not sure if Harry's supposed to be made already, but hey, you can always try…'

**gave it to me, saying it might "help me get out of detention" – though how some old parchment is supposed to help me with that? **

'Your son is helping my son be a rule breaker,' Remus said to Lily.

'It's James's DNA playing up. I guess all my nurturing couldn't fix that.'

**First I thought there might be instructions on it, you know, in invisible ink, but I couldn't find anything.' **

'**Harry has ways of getting out of detention?' Charles said. **

'Don't sound so surprised,' said James. 'I have no doubt that my son has done many things to warrant him a detention, only to be awesome and not have to go. He is a Potter, after all.'

'**Mr "I saved the world from You-Know-Who" Potter actually got in trouble when he went to Hogwarts?'**

'Pete, could you reread that?' James said.

Peter cleared his throat. 'Mr "I saved the world from You-Know-Who" Potter.' He knew he didn't have to repeat the rest; it was obvious this was the part James was excited about.

'My son's going to stop Voldemort! That is so cool!'

'It bothers me that this Charles doesn't seem to realize you can both save the world _and _be a rebel at the same time,' said Sirius. 'I mean, look at me! One year from now I'll be kicking Death Eater arse, but that doesn't mean I can get in trouble now, right?'

'Sirius, shut up about yourself. My son is going to stop Voldemort – nothing you can do beats that coolness.'

'**Are you kidding me? He usually had to break _loads _of rules before he could defeat Voldemort. **

'But luckily, Remus's boy sees reason. Good on you, Teddy. Also, read that, Evans? He had to break rules to save the world. That's Prongs's DNA saving the world and if you'd raised him so he wouldn't get in trouble, who knows what will happen with the Wizarding World?' Sirius smiled.

**Like when he went to the Chamber of Secrets – **

'The Chamber of Secrets doesn't exist,' Remus said. 'It's a myth.'

'Apparently it isn't,' said Peter. 'That is so cool. That is _so _cool. We need to find out where it is – put it on the Map.'

**students were supposed to be in their dormitories then. Or during the Triwizard Tournament… **

'Harry participated in the Triwizard Tournament?' James said. 'What kind of Superman am I fathering? This is beyond awesome!'

**Or that time in the Department of Mysteries…' **

'Anyone care to explain to me what that is?' Lily said.

'It's a part of the Ministry,' said James. 'I don't think anyone really knows what happens in there – except, of course, for our son, because he's just great like that.'

'I must admit, this does sound pretty cool,' Sirius said. 'I'd die to see that department…'

**Teddy shook his head. 'If there's anything my godfather was good at, it's getting in trouble. **

'Harry's Teddy's godfather?' Remus said. 'Harry is old enough to be Teddy's godfather?'

'That isn't too weird,' Lily said. 'If James and I started a family at, say, twenty-five, that Tonks would still be only twelve. By the time Harry is eighteen, she'd be thirty; it could happen, right?'

'But why isn't one of you the godfather?' said Remus. 'That makes a lot more sense to me, rather than your _son_…'

'I am insulted about that,' Sirius said. 'I'd love to be your son's godfather, Remus. Just thought I'd mention it. And I'm sure I'm Harry's godfather too – and see how he's doing! Saving the world and all that jazz. I'm a great godfather influence.'

**And getting out of it, obviously. So this probably has a point; I just have to figure out what I'm meant to do with it.'**

'**Want my help?' **

'**Gladly.'**

'**Okay.' Charles sat down next to Teddy and stared at the parchment. 'There isn't any invisible ink, you say?'**

'Please – invisible ink? That's for Muggles,' said Peter. 'Why would Harry give you something like that?'

'**No. Not even a hint of it to give us further directions.'**

'So basically Harry gave him a blank piece of parchment,' Lily said. 'I must say, my son's good at doing vague things. Why a bl… ank… piece of parchment.' She smiled as she realized what was going on. 'Of course. Should've thought of that.'

'**Hmm.' After getting out his wand, Charles held it over the parchment. 'Mind if I try a little magic on it?'**

'Smart move, friend of Teddy,' said James.

'**By all means, go ahead. I was just planning on doing that anyway,' said Teddy. He ran his hand through his hair – it was a light brown today, **

'Wait, _today_?' Remus said.

'Well, Dora's a Metamorphmagus,' said Sirius. 'I guess she could pass that ability on. Oh _Merlin_, Moony, that is _so awesome_. Your son is a Metamorphmagus! He'd better use that for pranks!'

'Why does everyone always get cool things in these stories except for me?' Peter said. 'Harry saves the world, Teddy is a Metamorphmagus, Sirius shags everyone, James shags Lily, Remus is some mastermind – and I'm always dead or absent or a loser!'

**much like his father's before he'd gone grey, although Remus had never had curls – and groaned. 'Harry could've given me _some _hint…'**

'**Lupin, this is a challenge. I thought you were all for those?' said Charles as he tapped the parchment with the tip of his wand.**

'Your son had better figure out how it works,' said James. 'I'm going to be deeply disappointed in your fathering skills if he can't. My son obviously could.'

'I like Teddy and Charles,' said Lily. 'It's so refreshing to read about normal people for a change – but maybe that's just because we're not reading about ourselves. Speaking of which… What _does _this story do in the _Marauders' Companion?_ I thought this was just about us…'

'Don't forget what they're playing with, darling,' said Sirius. 'I think we'll make an appearance in this.'

'**Yes, when I have _something _to work with. **

'Man, he sounds like Remus. "Fine, I'll help – but you have to make a beginning _at least_,"' Peter said, mimicking Remus's voice whenever Peter asked him to help with his homework.

**For all I know, Harry just thought it would be funny to see how long I'd -' Teddy shut up as before him handwriting appeared on the parchment. **

'Enter: Marauders,' James said.

**It was a handwriting he recognized, though he didn't know where he'd seen it before.**

_**Mr Moony suggests you ask us some things. **_

'He doesn't recognize my handwriting as mine?' Remus said, slightly disappointed.

'I think we can safely say that some time is going to pass between now and, well, _then_,' said James. 'Christ, by then we'll be old men. Say we go by Lily's theory and Dora gives birth at thirty, then we would be forty-three when Teddy is born, making us… how old is he here?'

'We'd be over fifty-five at least,' said Peter.

'Just think of it. We'd be old. Prongs might even have grandchildren,' said Sirius. 'He and Lily would be _grandparents_!'

'**Mr Moony?' said Charles. 'Us?'**

'**No idea,' Teddy said. **

'Oh, come on! You know the name Moony, don't you?'

'Maybe you didn't tell him everything you did at Hogwarts. You know, persuading friends to become illegal Animagi and stuff,' said Peter. 'It might give him bad ideas.'

'And it can become very boring to listen your old man talk about his time at Hogwarts,' James said.

'Prongs, if my father had told me he was an Animagus so he could hang out with werewolves, I wouldn't have run away from home,' Sirius said. 'Remus has _awesome _stories about his time here.'

**He got out his wand as well and tapped the parchment. 'Who are you?'**

**A different handwriting appeared; the messy scrawl reminded Teddy of Harry's short letters.**

'Enter: me,' said James.

_**We are Messrs Moony, Padfoot, Wormtail and Prongs, also known as the Marauders. Is that the best you've got?**_

'Your son is being mocked by the Map, Moony,' said Sirius. 'That's pathetic.'

'**We're being mocked by parchment,' said Charles. 'This is pathetic. **

Sirius blinked. 'Well, er… I agree completely. This Charles is one smart fellow.'

**Okay, er… What kind of parchment is this? What can you do with it?'**

'Only ensure that you're the badassest badass around,' said Sirius. 'Or make it possible to eat as much as you want at night, without being caught. Or sneaking around. Or, if you're a beginner, it could teach you about the secrets of Hogwarts.'

**A third handwriting appeared.**

**_When used properly? This can be used to create mayhem and chaos in Hogwarts. Otherwise – especially in the hands of _Prefects_, like Mr Moony here –_ _one can use it to make patrolling easier. We recommend you don't do that. It wouldn't do justice to this thing of beauty._**

'And thank you, Sirius,' Remus said.

'What? I didn't do anything!'

'Oh, come on, it's obvious that was you.'

'Remus, why do you never _trust _me?'

'If they keep bickering like that, it really _is _like they're married. I understand their shippers,' said Peter.

**Teddy and Charles exchanged excited looks. Cause mayhem and chaos? That sounded like a good idea. **

'Your son has received the James Potter Sign of Approval,' said James. 'He sounds worthy of using the Map.'

'**And how can we get it to help us?' Teddy said. **

_**Show us what you want to do with it. Make sure it isn't good at all.**_

'The slash subtext is amazing,' Peter said in awe.

'Peter, is there something you want to tell us?' said Sirius. 'Because at the rate you're going, I'm inclined to think you're using this as a _very _strange way of coming out of the closet.'

Peter turned as red as his Gryffindor tie. 'Sorry. I'll shut up about it.'

'Good.'

'**What do we want to do with it?' Charles said. 'We don't even know what it is!'**

**As he spoke, a fourth handwriting appeared.**

_**Mr Wormtail also suggests you are solemn. He just thought he'd tell you that. Good luck!**_

**Teddy raised his eyebrows. 'Okay. Er… Charles Crawford and I, Ted Lupin, want to use this thing to pull amazing pranks,' he said. **

'That is not the right thing to say,' said Sirius. 'Sorry, Teddy-kins.'

'I think it's pretty good,' said Lily. 'Map!you are all being rather vague at best and just downright confusing at worst. It's quite something that he came up with this.'

**He put his hand over his heart, to show how solemn he was. **

'And that's just sweet. Remus, I adore Teddy,' Lily said. 'I just hope he comes over a lot so I can hug him and… give him cookies. I'm fifty by that time, right? It's a good age for stuffing teenagers with cookies.'

'I'd say you should feed him chocolate. He is my son, after all,' said Remus.

**The second handwriting returned.**

_**Too specific. Not solemn enough. **_

'Why don't we just help the poor kid?' said Peter.

'Because that's not how the Map works,' said James. 'I think we're helping him plenty, but in the ends he needs to figure it out himself. If he can't, he didn't try hard enough and doesn't deserve the Map anyway.'

'But seeing as this is a Lupin, I think we can safely assume he'll try until either the Map or he dies,' said Sirius.

'**Well, you're not specific enough,' Charles muttered. The third hand replied immediately.**

_**If you can't figure it out, you're not worthy anyway. You're with a Lupin – he should know what to do. **_

'It's scary how much you say the things that are in the story,' Lily said.

'Sign of a good author, I suppose,' said Remus.

'**They know my family?' Teddy said. 'I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not…'**

'Oh, we know your family,' Sirius said. 'And it is a good thing – for us, anyway.'

'It's a shame he doesn't know who we are,' said Peter. 'I just can't believe Remus would never refer to any of us by our nicknames. How can Teddy _not _know that it's us talking to him? His dad's among us!'

'**Doesn't matter, they have a point. You're the one whose father was a Professor **

'Let's all act surprised even though we aren't,' said Sirius. 'See, Remus? You keep making an issue out of your FLP, but no one cares. You get a job, you get married, you get awesome kids – nobody gives a _damn _that you're a werewolves once in a while. Except to show their support, of course.'

**and whose mum managed to become an Auror. **

'Dora's going to be an Auror? So basically she's going to become Awesome Incarnate – and then marry Remus?'

'I thought my FLP didn't affect anything in my life?'

'No,' Sirius said, 'but the fact that you're an old man does. You're already an old man now – thirty years from now, that's going to be even worse. If Dora's that awesome, why doesn't she go for some nice biker bloke of her age?'

'It must be Moony's irresistible charms,' said James.

'Never seen them before.'

'That's okay – Nymphadora won't be legal for the next decennia anyway. Moony has loads of time to practice,' James grinned.

**You have thinking DNA,' Charles said. 'So _think_, Lupin!'**

'A line uttered so many times, I'm glad future generations have copied it,' said Peter.

**As Teddy pondered the words, he gave himself a goatee he could stroke. **

'That is so cool,' said Sirius. 'Remus, why is your son so cool? How did that happen?'

**_It isn't good at all. Solemn. Didn't you one hear Harry say something… What was it again? _'I think I remember Harry once saying… "I swear I'm up to no good"?' He tapped the parchment again.**

'Not bad,' said James.

'I wonder how Harry got the Map,' said Lily. 'Are you going to keep it after Hogwarts and then give it to Harry? Or will it stay here and just be passed on through the students until somehow Harry gets it?'

**_Close. Are you sure you're solemn enough? _the first handwriting wrote.**

'I'm already getting fatherly vibes from Map!Remus,' said Peter.

**A broad grin appeared on Teddy's face. 'Charlie? I think I know how it works.' He cleared his throat and tapped the parchment for the last time. 'I solemnly swear I'm up to no good.'**

'And that is the end,' said Peter.

'I… I must say, I like how he is portrayed,' said Remus. 'This isn't the worst story we've read, not even close. But it's such a strange idea that I'm going to have children with a girl who is now four.'

'Yeah, well, Harry's old enough to be a godfather, so Dora's old enough to be legal,' said Sirius. 'Say, did anyone else get hungry from all that reading? Want me to go down and get us a snack and then do one more before we go to sleep?'

'I'll pick a story,' said James. 'See if there's anything else that's worth reading.'

* * *

**A/N: Before I knew what I was doing, I'd got myself in a position where I had to write both Teddy _and _Marauders. I didn't want to go for a timetravel fic - it seemed too easy as a way out. So here, stretching the meaning of 'Marauder's Companion' is the story with Teddy! I hope you like it; the next chapter should be some badfic again. **


	33. The two husbands of Lily Evans II

**A/N: I kept thinking I wrote the first part to this only a week ago. Turns out it's 16 chapters - oops. Anyway, here's chapter two.**

* * *

'Okay, I'm ready for another story,' said Sirius, opening a package of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans. 'Give me something good, something dramatic, something where I save the day.'

'There's a new chapter of _The two husbands of Lily Evans_,' said James. 'You know, that story where the Ministry suddenly thought "Hey, let's force everyone to marry someone!" and Lily got paired with Snape while secretly loving me?'

'As I recall it, it was never confirmed that I loved you,' Lily said. She took a hand of Beans and leaned with her back against James's chest. 'We all just assumed that's what it was.'

'I still say it is. But shall we do that one?' James said.

'Fine with me,' Sirius said. 'Lily, will you do us the honour?'

**Lily didn't attend James's wedding. **

'Well, at least we're sure James is the other man,' said Peter. 'That mystery was solved quickly.'

'It would've been brilliant if the other man had been… I don't know, James's dad or something,' said Sirius. 'Or Peter or maybe that Alice girl…'

**She knew it would be too painful to see him getting married to someone else. **

'Luckily, based on fanfiction, you won't have to,' James said, kissing Lily's temple.

'Prongs, I'm fine with you and Lily being all… touchy-feeling, but please don't get so… "romantic" when I'm around,' said Sirius. 'There's a time and place for everything and courting dear Lily is something you do when you're not with your friends.'

'You could always leave,' Lily said.

'And miss out on this interesting story? You should know me better than that, Evans.'

**She _did _do some research on the girl who was going to be his wife; a twenty-five-year-old blonde, **

'What is it with Lily being against blondes?' Remus said.

'The fact that they're constantly trying to sleep with James? Although that isn't true. I dislike Ariana because she's a huge Mary Sue; I dislike Serenity Starr for the same reason… I don't really have anything against blondes.'

**with full, pouty lips, dark eyes and a figure Lily would kill for. **

'Prepositions aren't a good thing to end your sentences with,' said Remus.

'What is it with the emphasis on me not having curves?' said Lily. 'I mean, I get it, I don't have them, but I don't _resent _girls who do.'

'Prongs – save that for later,' Sirius said when James opened his mouth. 'Or at least do it quietly so we don't have to hear you.'

**Lily wondered if it bothered James that he'd be marrying her and if he ever thought about _her_. **

Remus sighed. 'This author needs to make her pronouns clearer,' said Remus. 'I mean, we _know _who she means by the first "her" and by the second, but grammatically speaking, Lily refers to herself with both, seeing as she's the only "her" in this sentence this can refer to.'

'What about prepositions being a bad way to finish your sentence?' said Sirius.

'I'm talking, not writing a book; you don't think I do this in my essays, do you? At least, I don't when I can avoid it.'

**They hadn't seen each other much lately – well, they had in her dreams, but James wasn't to know that. **

'He likes to think it, though,' said Peter. 'Even if he doesn't know for sure.'

'Peter, I'm sure I'm in an identity crisis right now,' said James. 'I'm suddenly married to a blonde while Lily is going to marry my archenemy. I have more important things to worry about than if Lily dreams about me.'

'Ah, but do you?' Peter wiggled his finger. 'At times like these you would take the most comfort from small things, like Lily still thinking about you.'

'But I don't know she does!'

'That's beside the point! Merlin, Prongs, you'd be a horrible romance writer.'

**She'd keep that information to herself.**

**On the day of her own wedding she eyed the dress the Ministry her given her. It was a simple white dress with a modest cleavage, **

'Oh no, do we get more costume porn?' James said. 'Can't they just say it's a white dress and be done with it?'

**spaghetti straps and gold sparkles over the skirts that came to Lily's ankles. It was stunning. But she refused to wear it to a wedding with _that _man. **

'… so basically we just got that entire description for nothing, because she's not going to wear it anyway,' said James. 'What does this author want?'

'It sounded very pretty,' Remus said, teasing. 'But you're right, it had little importance to the plot.'

**Instead she put on old jeans with a hole at the knee and a shirt that had a giant red paint stain on it. **

'And that_ is_ important.' Remus looked content, as if the author had finally listened to him. 'Because this shows Lily's attitude to her wedding. She probably even made an effort to find clothes that old. That's relevant information for Lily's characterization.'

**She wore no make-up; no way in Hell was she giving Snape the satisfaction that she'd prettied up for him.**

'Prongs,' Sirius said, but James ignored him.

'You know you don't need make-up to be the most beautiful girl alive?' he said to Lily, who rolled her eyes but smiled nevertheless.

'I agree with Sirius,' she said, placing her hand on his knee. 'Not with them present. But thank you.'

**Her wedding would start at four. At 3:45 there was a knock on the door. **

'It was Sir Sirius, ready to save the noble lady from this horrible fate!'

**Lily looked at Alice – who _was _wearing nice clothes for the occasion – and silently begged her not to open the door. Alice gave a sympathetic shrug of her shoulders, **

'Well, what else is she supposed to shrug?' said Remus. 'Shrugging usually means you use your shoulders, unless it's made clear that you shrug something else.'

**got up and left to see who it was. Seconds later she returned. By her side, dressed in his tattered dress robes and wearing an expression suitable for a funeral, was Remus Lupin.**

'Lord Remus, ready to save the noble lady?' Sirius said. 'Not what I was going for, but I'll let it pass. Anything to keep Lily from Snivelly's greasy tentacles.'

**Lily smiled weakly at him. 'Remus, hey. What are you doing here?'**

'**Making sure I'm on time for my third wedding in five days,' he said, **

'That's it? Just… going to her wedding?' Peter shook his head. 'Remus, you should be ashamed of yourself. You could've saved her – and instead you just stand there and watch. You traitor.'

**walking over and enveloping her in his arms. 'Do you need some time to get changed?'**

'**No, I'm going like this,' she sighed. 'No point in pretending this is a happy occasion.'**

'That's depressing, but true,' Lily said.

'I can really picture this, though,' said Sirius. 'Lily thinking, "Well, if I won't like it, _nobody_ will like it, dammit!" and just trying to out-stubborn the Ministry.'

'If I were trying that, I think I might have a chance of succeeding,' said Lily.

'Oh, please. You didn't even out-stubborn Prongs!'

'He tried for five years! I doubt the Ministry would care that much. And in case you hadn't noticed, I only gave in when James actually became a nice person, so I _did_ out-stubborn the bastard side of him.' She grinned as Sirius narrowed his eyes and sought for something to say against that.

'**Normally I'd tell you to stay positive, but this time you might be right. But hey, maybe it won't be so bad.' **

'Wow, that's encouraging,' Peter said. 'Great motivational speech you gave there, Moony. I can really see how you showing up makes Lily feel better.'

'At least I did show up! I don't see any of you there.'

**His smile wasn't very convincing and Lily thought of how depressing it was that she entered her marriage thinking it 'might not be so bad'. That was a long shot removed from how she's always imagined it.**

'**Is anyone else coming?' she asked.**

'See? There we are,' said Peter. 'This is where we get introduced.'

**He shook his head 'no'. **

'Or… not.'

'This author keeps swaying between adding useful information and just padding her story,' said Remus. 'Author, if someone shakes their head, it usually means "no", so readers will just assume that's the case when a character does so. Only when he's trying to convey something _else _should you mention it!'

'**Padfoot's new wife wants to decorate their marital home **

'Oh, shit, of course – I'm a B,' Sirius said. 'I wonder if I know who I married…'

'Probably some relative of yours,' said James. 'Or maybe a seventy-year-old woman who never got laid and was still in the system and who is _delighted _with her handsome new husband and - '

'Time for Prongs to shut up! Go flirt with Lily if you have to, but please, I've heard and read more than enough about me being flirted with by old people.' Sirius shuddered.

**and she's so scary he doesn't dare say no, **

'A seventy-year-old _dominatrix _spinster…'

'I hate you, Prongs.'

'… possibly with a hand fetish…'

**and Pete's working overtime to make up for all the days he's missing.'**

'That's a shitty excuse to miss my wedding,' Lily said to Peter. 'Just thought I'd let you know for future reference.'

**When Lily couldn't bring herself to say anything, Alice inquired, 'And James?'**

'**He, er… he…'**

'**He isn't coming,' Lily surmised. **

**Remus shrugged. 'He said he couldn't.'**

'And you have no excuse whatsoever to miss my wedding,' said Lily.

James grinned. 'Don't worry, Evans, I'll be there. It would be a bit embarrassing if I missed my own wedding, wouldn't it?'

'Yeah, my speech won't be half as much fun if Prongs isn't there,' said Sirius.

**Though Lily hadn't attended his wedding either, she'd hoped James would be man enough to show up at hers. **

'I'd like to take this moment to point out Lily has more balls than Prongs,' said Sirius. 'So she shouldn't be surprised that he's too chicken to show up.'

Lily scoffed. 'Please. Why would you want balls? They're so vulnerable; one good kick is enough to take you down. Now, a vagina – that can push out a baby and still work fine. Please, Sirius, don't say I have balls – I don't need them.'

**Not that she was really surprised, but… it was a disappointment nevertheless. Probably because she still had the hope somewhere that during the ceremony he'd stand up and say, 'I object!' **

'I would. The real me would,' James said.

'And then you'd come running down the aisle, swoop me into your arms, kiss me and marry me right on the spot?'

'Something like that.'

They grinned at each other until Peter cleared his throat and said, 'Sorry to interrupt this romantic moment, but James is already married at this point, so he can't marry you. And I'd like you to continue reading.'

**_It would be too little, too late_, she thought. **

'Speaking of which, why didn't Lily barge in on Prongs's wedding and say she objected?' said Sirius. 'That could've helped, they could've eloped – to Vegas! – and then they'd have a happily ever after. It just seems too pointless for them to wait around until they get married off to someone.'

'But that would take all the conflict out of the story,' said Peter. 'This is what the author needs to get het story rolling…'

'Yes, but think of what she could write if she followed my logic!' Sirius was getting excited now; James and Remus became a bit worried. 'Okay, say it really is bad to not marry the one you're allotted. Lily could come in, disrupt the wedding and elope with James to Vegas or somewhere else, and then they'd be on the run from the Ministry officials. In the meanwhile, it turns out Prongs's fiancée is both madly in love with him _and _a psychopath, so she calls in the help of some scary bloke who has killed before and who has a mysterious relation to Lily – maybe her long lost father or an ex-stalker…'

Remus blinked. 'That doesn't even sound that bad,' he said.

'Of course it doesn't. I also came up with most of the plot for _Sir Sirius_, didn't I? I just have a lot of creative energy.' Sirius shrugged as if he came up with storylines like this every day. 'Maybe I should write something like that…'

**She glanced at the clock and realized she only had five minutes to spare to get to the Ministry. Feeling like she's rather die than go there, she put on her coat and she, Remus and Alice Disapparated.**

**The ceremony was brief, fortunately. **

'What? That's all we're hearing about it?' said Remus. 'I get skimming over James's wedding because the narrator wasn't there, but… is this it?'

'More or less. We get a little more detail,' Lily said.

**Just her, Snape, one of his slimy friends – and Remus's and Alice's pitying looks. **

'_That's _all.'

'I wonder what friend it was,' said Peter.

'Avery, probably,' Lily said. 'They hang out a lot since… you know, they hang out a lot.'

**Lily pitied herself. **

'I do pity myself,' Lily said. 'That sounds like an awful wedding.'

**She wasn't looking forward to tonight at all – her wedding night. **

Lily paled. 'That… In the context of all this? That's revolting. That's basically giving someone a marital rape licence: it's not rape when you're married.' She shuddered at the thought. 'Doesn't this author know what she's writing?'

**And it turned out to be just as bad as she'd thought.**

**Dinner was excruciatingly long, with Snape talking to her and her not replying because she was too preoccupied with more important things. **

'Isn't anything more important than what Snivellus says?' Sirius said. 'Imagine having to talk to him during dinner; that would ruin just about anybody's appetite. With his greasy hair hanging in the soup and that scary look in his eyes and I'm creepy myself out so I'm shutting up now.'

**Like what James was doing, what she was going to do tonight, **

'Say you're on your period?' Lily said. 'Curse him? Run? Poison him so he becomes impotent? Run? File a request for a divorce? _Run?!_'

**if hanging would be a very painful way to kill herself or **

'Yes,' Peter said. 'It is, because you either have to break your neck or wait until you die of asphyxiation.'

**she should try arsenic instead.**

'What a lovely young bride I am,' Lily said. 'Less than one day in my marriage and already suicide seems like the best option.'

**Or maybe use the arsenic on Snape.**

'Next to murder. The problem is, I don't know how serious I am in this story,' said Lily. 'Is this a very badly timed attempt of humour, or does this author not realize that, in such a situation where I'm about to be raped, something like this may _really_ seem like the best solution? It's not funny when used like this.'

**Around eleven, Snape said, 'So, Lily, on to bed then?' His smile revealed his yellow teeth and Lily's body cringed with revulsion.**

Lily was silent as she read ahead. 'The rest is… basically a rape scene,' she said, closing the book. 'I don't want you to read that. Suffice to say that it sends with me crying in my pillow. At least it isn't portrayed as funny…'

The light hearted mood had disappeared, leaving them all feeling awkward.

'So, er, shall we just go to bed then?' Peter said.

'Good plan,' said Remus. He, Peter and Sirius got up and went upstairs, but Lily remained seated and, seeing as James was functioning as her chair, so did he.

'Lily? Are you okay?' He shifted his body so he could look her in the eye.

She shrugged and rested her head against his shoulder. 'I don't know. This kind of thing just… pushes the wrong buttons with me. I think that author _really _doesn't grasp that what she just wrote is vile and seriously fucked-up and I just… want her to know that it is. Even if it's used for drama, it's not… things like that happen, when girls _are _forced into marriages, by the government or their parents or the man, and they _do _get raped like that and this author was just so... so _flippant_ about it. Like, "Oh, well, this sucks, but she'll be saved later and she's married so it's fine!"'

James tightened his arms around her. 'She's probably just young and silly and doesn't know any better.'

She sighed. 'You're probably right. James?'

'Yeah?'

She closed her eyes and snuggled even closer to him, wrapping her arms around him as she did so. 'Would you mind sitting with me for a while?'

'Of course not, Lil.'

They were found the next morning when Remus came down for breakfast, wrapped around each other and fast asleep.


	34. Ariana Riddle V

_He was wearing a torn shirt that was whipping against his body in the wind. Against his chest rested Lily, her red hair even more fiery in the light of the setting sun. James brought his face down to hers and their lips touched in a mixture of endless pleasure, love and bagels._

_Bagels that were falling from the sky, followed by trumpets and Snape, who sang, 'Lily's married to me!' and accompanied himself by the trumpets._

'_This is shite,' said Sirius. 'Such clichés.'_

'_It's a romance novel, Padfoot,' Remus said._

_Against James's chest, Lily stirred. 'Oh, James,' she said dramatically. 'Is this a dream?'_

When James woke up, the first thing he noticed was that there was something tickling his nose. The second thing was the fact that he was lying very uncomfortably and had cramps everywhere. And the third and last thing was that there was a sleeping girl on his chest.

'Good morning, sunshine,' said Sirius.

James groaned and pushed his glasses, which had become lopsided during the night, back on his nose. 'What time is it?' He craned his neck so Lily's hair wouldn't be in his face anymore and looked around. The rest of the Marauders were sitting in surrounding chairs; on the table were a large chocolate cake and the Companion.

'Eleven thirty. About time you woke up,' said Peter, taking a bite from a slice of cake.

'You just looked so sweet, we couldn't bear the thought of waking you,' Sirius said, his expression angelic.

James's suspicions rose. 'What have you done?'

'What's going on?' Lily mumbled. Her face was still half pressed against James's chest, so she was hardly audible.

'And good morning to you _too_! I'm so glad to see you're finally awake,' Sirius said. 'How did you sleep, Lillykins? Was Prongs comfortable? I want to bet he wasn't, he's all bones.'

Lily propped herself up on her elbows and blew her hair from her face, though it did little to help her out-of-bed look. Yawning, she said, 'He's fine. How long have you been there?'

'About an hour or so,' Remus said.

'Pervs,' she muttered. She sat up straight and looked down at James. A smile spread across her face. 'Hey,' she said, in a tone that made all the other Marauders turn away and resume their conversation. 'Wow, I thought your hair couldn't get messier, but it turns out I was wrong.'

'You're one to talk right now,' he said, reaching out to push some stray locks from her face.

'Mornings aren't my prettiest time of the day,' she said.

He grinned. 'Are you kidding me? I don't think you've ever been more beautiful.'

'And there I thought I looked halfway decent during the day.'

'Guys? This is all very romantic and stuff, but if you wanted to have a morning-after conversation, you shouldn't have fallen asleep in the Common Room,' Sirius said. 'Either do this in the dormitory or stop, please.'

'We'll stop,' Lily said, getting off of James and the couch. 'I think I'm going to brush my teeth and then steal some of that cake…'

'If there's any left by then,' said Remus. 'Hurry up.'

As Lily went to her dormitory, Sirius looked at James and tried not to laugh. 'Prongs, you look like a puppy who's finally found a family who loves him after years of abandonment.'

'Then I wouldn't be a puppy anymore, would I?' James said. He took this moment of freedom to stretch out as far as he could; his legs, especially, were grateful for that after a night of carrying another body. Not that James wouldn't do it again every night of his life, if he had the chance. This was definitely worth the discomfort. 'What are you reading?'

'Writing, actually. Sirius is working on a novel about us,' Peter said. 'It promises to be good.'

'Good Lord. No wonder I started having nightmares,' James said. 'Was that you reading out that shit to me?'

'No, that was probably Sirius's commentary on some of the other things we read,' Remus said. He got the chocolate-covered knife from the table and held it up. 'Cake?'

A couple of minutes later, when Lily had returned and been provided with cake, Peter took the Companion from Sirius and declared that they were to read another story. 'Our luck is in – there's another chapter of our darling Ariana!'

'Start my day with that?' Lily said doubtfully. 'At least I have cake…'

**The next day Ariana had forgotten about her dream. **

'That's dumb,' Remus said. 'She has symbolic dreams and forgets them? What?'

**She vaguely remembered the big, black dog, but dismissed it as being unimportant. **

'I'll dismiss you as stupid,' Sirius said.

**Right now she had other things on her mind, **

'I'm not sure if I agree with that,' Remus said. 'Wouldn't it be necessary for her to have a brain before she could have things on her mind? Let alone _several _things?'

**like why Tiffany hated her **

'Maybe because she's an obnoxious Mary Sue?' Peter said. 'Maybe because you were mean to me? Maybe because your face?!'

**and how she was going to keep her big secret from the girls – or, even more importantly, from the boys. **

'Do we have any idea what her big secret is?' Peter said.

'I think it might be that she's secretly related to a murderer,' said Remus.

'_Related _to a murderer? This girl is a stone-cold killer,' Sirius said. 'Hidden psychopath, brought to Hogwarts by Voldemort to kill us all with her Mary Sueness.'

'For all your dramatics, you do come up with a lot of plots,' Lily said, impressed. 'Care to tell us what your novel is about?'

'Not yet, darling. But what you just heard is but a taste of my genius. Just wait for my magnum opus.'

**Her new friends. **

'Like Snivellus,' Sirius said.

'I thinks she means us,' said Peter. 'Well, you. I'm not in the Circle of Chosen Ones.'

'And you should be _happy _about it,' James said.

**The only friends she'd ever had. She would die if they rejected her.**

'Well, you know what to do then,' Lily said. 'Go on, reject her!'

**She got dressed in a simple blue dress that brought out the colour of her eyes, her golden necklace and a pair of black ballerina flats. **

'I don't care,' James said.

**No make-up; she didn't need it with her complexion and naturally dark, long lashes. **

Lily groaned. 'Yes, she's the most beautiful thing to have ever walked upon this earth – we get it!'

**She put her hair in a chignon. Tiffany wore different clothes; a skirt five inches too short, **

'Five inches too short for _what_?' Remus said. 'We're all supposed to wear robes to the ground. If her skirt is so short, nobody would see it anyway!'

**high heels, and a tight blouse that was all but see-through. She wore tons of make-up, which didn't make her any prettier, if you asked Ariana.**

'I hope Tiffany kills her in her sleep,' Lily said matter-of-factly. 'This slut-shaming is just horrible.'

**When Ariana got down in the Great Hall, she wondered where to sit. **

'Outside,' Peter said. 'In the rain.'

**With her House, or…? Sirius answered the question for her by waving at her from the Gryffindor table. **

'I hate you, Padfoot,' James said. 'This is your fault.'

'I apologise. Shall I dedicate a chapter of my book to her gruesome death?'

'Please do.'

'**You're happy for this early in the morning,' Remus said, noticing Sirius's waving.**

'A sign that she's poisoned me,' Sirius said. 'Recognize it, Remus, and save me! Note: poison people so they behave differently.' He got out a piece of parchment and scribbled it down.

'**There's a beautiful girl about to join us – **

'And it's Lily! Tiffany! Moaning Myrtle!' James said. 'Anyone but Ariana!'

**of course I'm happy,' Sirius remarked. 'Just look at the way she walks, Remus. **

'Why? Is she auditioning for the Ministry of Silly Walks?' Lily said.

Peter turned to her in amazement. 'Muggles have a Ministry of Silly Walks?'

'Oh, yes,' said Remus. 'My mother applied, but her walk wasn't silly enough. They're going through a rough time; this year; they cut their funds down to only _twice _the size of the military budget!'

'I should've been a Muggleborn,' Peter said. 'That sounds far better than our Ministry!'

**Like she's the sun and all other people are nothing but planets to orb around her… **

Lily's jaw dropped. 'The author really wrote that? She doesn't even pretend her Sue isn't the centre of the universe – that right there says it! Everybody is nothing but something that needs her to survive and they live their lives around her!'

**She's magnificent.'**

'In her stupidity, maybe,' Sirius said.

**By now, Ariana had reached them, so they shut up.**

'So the only conversations we _ever _have now are about her,' Sirius said.

'Yes, she's your sun and all that, remember?' Lily said. 'What _else _could you talk about?'

'**Good morning,' she greeted, taking her place next to Sirius. She smiled seductively, though she didn't mean to be seductive; **

'Oh, no, because she's just so _pure_, she couldn't dream of actively doing something about boys,' Lily said. 'The girl is going to be one giant cocktease and pretend she's innocent, just you wait.'

'But of course all boys will be lying at her feet anyway,' Remus said. 'Feeding her strawberries dipped in chocolate and caviar even though that's disgusting.'

**she just couldn't help it around Sirius. 'How are you?'**

'**Great, now you're around,' Sirius breathed, **

'That's not even pathetic anymore, mate,' James said. 'And you sound stalker-ish.'

'I know,' Sirius said.

**and Ariana blushed.**

'**Ah, so this is the new girl,' murmured a husky voice behind Ariana. **

'It was Lily Evans: Sue Hunter, ready to send her back to the Sue-hole she came from!' Lily said.

'Lily, your voice isn't husky.'

'Doesn't matter.'

**Ariana turned around and looked into the green eyes of Lily Evans.  
**

'See? I told you.'

**Had those eyes been angry when they looked at James, Lily was positively murderous now.**

Lily clapped her hands. 'See? I _am _about to murder her for being a Sue. While all of you are under her spell, I still have a clear head and know I have to save Hogwarts.'

James grinned. 'Yes, darling, you're a real hero. And you've got cake on your mouth.'

She raised her eyebrows at him. 'Then do something about it.'

The other Marauders waited for a second while James took care of the little problem, and then Peter continued reading.

'**Hey Evans,' James said, running a hand through his hair so it was even messier and he looked kinda cute. **

Remus flinched. 'Kinda?'

'**You look great today.'**

'**Shut up, Potter,' she spat, **

'Oh, right, I was a bitch here,' Lily said.

'Lily, if you kill Ariana, all will be forgiven,' Sirius said.

**turning back to Ariana. 'You must think you're quite the big thing now, don't you? **

'She compared herself to the sun,' Remus said. '"Quite the big thing" doesn't even begin to cover it.'

**Well, listen up, missy. **

'I love myself,' Lily said.

'I think the best way to save this story is if Lily kills Ariana and then has sex with Tiffany,' said Sirius. 'Or James. Or maybe both. No, just have sex with James, I'll have sex with Tiffany and then we're all happy.'

**_I'm _the Queen here **

'I'm the what?'

'Apparently you're the Queen,' said Peter. 'Though I've no idea what that means.'

'That I'm the most popular girl?' said Lily. 'That's sad, referring to yourself as the "Queen."'

**and I'd better warn you: if you so much as _try _to steal that place away from me, I will do horrible things to you with this spork!' **

'I love you, Lily,' Sirius said. 'Marry me.'

'Sorry, I've already got someone else. I'll let you inherit the… spork… used on Ariana, though,' she said. 'Will that make you happy?'

'Endlessly so.'

**She held up a device that was a mixture between a spoon and a fork. **

'And which is now crowned the Holy Spork of Gryffindor,' Lily said, holding up her own fork.

**Ariana choked. 'I – I won't do anything, I swear,' she murmured.**

'But can the Gryffindor Spork stop her from acting like a Mary Sue?' Remus said.

'I hereby declare that sporks are made to kill Mary Sues,' said Lily. 'So yes, Remus, it will. I'm sure that, as Protector of Hogwarts, I have many ways of using that utensil, only to be finished in time for dinner with James.'

'Using the same spork?' Sirius said.

'And eat Mary Sue? No, thank you, Sirius; they don't taste so good with pasta.'

**Lily smirked and tossed her shiny red hair over her shoulder. 'Good. Enjoy your breakfast – while you can. And Potter, stop drooling – it's pathetic and it won't get you anywhere save for the Hospital Wing.' **

'Why is it that the only people who make sense in this story act like bitches?' Sirius said.

'I've become a Scary Sue,' said Lily. 'That's bad.'

James squeezed her leg. 'You've got the Spork of Gryffindor; I'm sure you'll be able to save not only Hogwarts, but yourself as well.'

**With those words, she walked off, walking in a way that left no doubt she knew boys were watching.**

'I'm a Scary Sue slut. Oh, this girl has a spork coming for her!'

**_What a bitch_, Ariana thought, shaking her head. _Maybe it's time someone did something about that._**

'Hah! Hypocrite!'

'Lily, stay calm,' Remus said.

_**Ariana, you couldn't – you shouldn't bring attention to yourself like that.**_

'Hah! Hypocrite!'

_**But you can't let her stay as Queen and ruin everybody's lives like that! **_

'Hah! Hypocrite!'

Sirius cast James an amused look. 'She has a broad vocabulary, hasn't she?'

'Broad in the way that an anorexic ferret isn't,' James said. 'I reckon Ariana has killed some of her brain cells.'

'Well, we all suffer from that, I suppose.'

_**You need to stand up to her!**_

**And so, Ariana decided she would stop Lily's tyranny. **

'Suddenly I'm a tyrant Scary Sue slut,' said Lily. 'As long as it keeps me away from her, I like it. So, what shall we do now?'

'I will retreat to my chambers, where I will start working on my masterpiece,' Sirius said, taking some pieces of parchment with him. 'I don't care what the rest of you do.'

'Pads, wait a sec.' James got up and followed Sirius up the stairs. 'What did you do to us while we were sleeping?' he asked Sirius's back, as Sirius pushed open the door to their dormitory.

Sirius turned around. 'If you haven't found out yet, I'm not going to tell you. Catch you later, Prongs!'


	35. Teachers' Troubles

After a shower, James was sure Sirius hadn't drawn anything on him. That was good and reassuring. Of course, it meant he still had no idea what Sirius _had _done, and after six and a half years, he had a fair idea of the things Sirius usually did. He could only hope Sirius had had some scruples when it came to Lily.

Around two, when Sirius had spent hours writing his masterpiece, they decided to read another story. While everybody took a comfortable seat in the Common Room, Peter scanned the story summaries.

'This one doesn't seem so bad,' he finally said, reading the summary for a story called _Teachers' Troubles_. 'It's about Lily and James and, naturally, is about Romance. Maybe we should try something semi-normalish to come back from the Mary Sueness of the last chapter?'

'I don't know if that will inspire me, but we can always try.' Sirius swung his legs over his chair's one armrest, and rested his back against the other. 'Do you want to read, Wormy, or shall I do you the honour?'

'Go ahead,' Peter said, handing Sirius the book. 'It's a good practice for when you're reading your own work at conventions.'

**Lily checked her reflection in the hand mirror in her bag. **

'I want to bet you can't talk to people on the other side,' Sirius said.

Lily frowned. 'No. Why, do you often talk to your mirrors? I'm not sure if that's a good sign, Sirius.'

Sirius shrugged. 'Depends on the mirror, Evans.'

**Overall, she had to admit she looked good today, **

'I hope I still look normal and there won't be emphasis on my suddenly black hair,' Lily said. 'Or – even worse – what if they turn me into a Mary Sue?'

**save for the dark circles underneath her eyes. **

'Is that enough to save her from Sueness?' said Peter.

'It… might be,' Remus said. 'It's just said she looks good – not that her beauty is equal to that of a thousand suns or something like that. I _think _Lily isn't a Mary Sue, but…'

'If I am, don't fear to use the Spork,' Lily said. 'It will be better for me.'

**_That's what you get, spending your night thinking about James instead of sleeping_****, she chastised herself, **

James grinned at Lily. 'Ah, Lily, I'm sorry if my sexiness is bad for your night rest.'

**sneaking a peak at James sitting not too far away. **

'You should be sorry for so much more, Prongs,' Sirius said. 'Not only are you interrupting her nights, now you're making her not pay attention in class as well. You're such a bad influence on her!'

**He caught her eye and smiled at her. Lily smiled back, her heart hammering in her throat.**

'Probably not as fast as Prongs's, though,' Peter said. 'Remember that time in sixth year when she smiled at him when she said "hi" and he all but came right there in the corridor?'

They all laughed, except for Lily. 'Er… no, I don't recall that happening…'

'You just underestimate the impact you have on him,' Sirius said. 'Believe me, you're happy you don't share our dormitory ever since you're together.'

**'Miss Evans!' McGonagall said in a tone that made it obvious her quota of patience for the day had been used already by other students. **

'I like that thought,' Remus said. 'A quota of patience. Like when Sirius annoys me at seven A.M., I'll be nice and compassionate and help him out, but when he does it at seven P.M. I'll just say, "Oh, no, sorry mate, Peter already used everything today! Good luck and sod off." Maybe I should have something like that… it might stop you from bothering me at _eleven thirty _about your essays…' He glared at James and Peter.

**'Would you please focus on what I'm trying to tell you? It's your exams you would be failing in spring!'**

'As if Lily would fail,' Sirius scoffed. 'I doubt she's physically capable of failing an exam.'

'Hey! I have had bad marks,' said Lily. 'Not often, but… I failed Divination in third year.'

Sirius rolled his eyes. '_Anyone _with a brain failed that, Lily. It was great fun, though. Maybe I shouldn't have dropped it…'

'Wasn't your future filled with fame, fortune and then, all of a sudden, murderous cupcakes enchanted by your jealous third ex-wife?' James said.

'Something like that. I panicked, okay? That guy just kept looking at me like he wouldn't believe my future was that good, I had to come up with something to compensate for my Order of Merlin, First class.'

**'Right, sorry.' Lily turned her attention back to her notes, though she could still feel someone smirking beside her. 'Siobhan, please stop that.'**

'Siobhan is in this?' James said. 'That's a first. I always thought Lily was best friends with that Alice who keeps popping up…'

'Or Marlene McKinnon,' Sirius said. 'Or that other one… Dora… Dori…'

'Dorcas Meadows,' said Remus.

'The mysterious girls I've never met but who are my best friends,' said Lily. 'It's nice to read about someone who exists. I just hope she stays in character…'

**'Oh, I'm sorry, was I interrupting your daydream?' the blonde girl asked. **

'Or… not. Blonde hair would look very weird on Shiv,' Lily said, thinking of Siobhan's straight, brown locks. 'What she says is accurate, though…'

'What, do you often daydream about Prongs?' Peter said.

She shrugged. 'Sometimes James. Last year I had this wonderful thing where I sat in classes, stared at the door and pretended Robert Redford would get in and give everyone cake… It was a great way of getting through Arithmancy at times.'

**'What, were you just at the dramatic point where James ran over the beach to you, held you in his arms, looked into your eyes – which will probably be described as "endless pools of emerald" or something like that – and kissed you, his fiery desire – '**

'I want Siobhan to help with my novel,' Sirius said. 'She knows the clichés! Maybe she could write the romance parts – although I hope she's just being sarcastic here. Otherwise, I could never have this in my work…'

'Er… Sirius, you realize that this is fanfiction!Siobhan and that there's no reason to assume our Siobhan would want to work on something like your novel?' Remus said.

'I can still ask her. Who knows, maybe Prongs won't be the only one to find love through fanfiction.'

**'Thank you, Shiv. You've made your point clear,' Lily said. 'And it was in a forest, not on a beach, thank you very much.'**

'A forest, hmm?' James said.

'Yes. In a meadow, with the wind blowing through the trees, lying in the sunlit grass, surrounded by flowers…'

'Merlin, Lily, do you even think about sex in those fantasies?' Sirius said. 'Or just the surroundings?'

**'Miss Evans, I would like to see you after class.' McGonagall seemed to have appeared out of thin air behind them. **

'I hate it when she does that,' Peter said. 'Frightens the hell out of me.'

'Especially when you know you've done something wrong,' James said. 'And you just keep thinking, _does she know? Does lying help?_ It never does. Not with Minnie.'

**Lily and Siobhan both jumped, leading to some chuckles here and there. **

**'Okay, Professor,' Lily said. This was embarrassing; it had to be the first time she had to come to the professor for something other than extra assignments she'd done or questions about the patrolling schedule. **

'That… that…' Lily hesitated. 'Now that I think about it, that might be true. Oh, now _that_'s embarrassing.'

'You've still got six months,' Peter said. 'I'm sure we can get you into trouble, if you want to know what it's like.'

'I can get myself into trouble, thank you very much.'

**She decided to show her best side for the rest of the class, until a small parchment plane landed on her notes and smudged the ink. Quickly, she unfolded it and read the message.**

'It was a letter from the Society of Young People with Lives, saying that her membership had been rejected until she got in some real trouble,' Sirius said.

Lily raised her eyebrows. 'Sirius? I said I've never been called to the teacher's desk after class. Not that I've never been in trouble – or made some. I'm just better at getting out of it than you Marauders. You know why?'

'Do share,' Sirius said.

'Because once teachers think you're a good girl, you can get away with almost anything. There are loads of tests I didn't have to take because the teachers said, "Oh, well, she'll pass them anyway!", not to mention all the times I sneaked out at night and no one caught me…'

'You wouldn't do that,' Peter said.

'Oh, I would. And I haven't even got an Invisibility Cloak to hide under.'

'How badass you are, Evans,' Sirius said, clearly not impressed. 'Shall we continue?'

**_Want me to get in trouble too? We could go to detention together; something else than patrolling for a change. James._**

'Smooth, Prongs,' Sirius said. 'I totally see why she fell for your charms.'

'It's a sweet gesture,' said Lily. 'And it's the thought that counts.'

**'How romantic,' Siobhan said. She'd read over Lily's shoulder. **

'Yes, Siobhan seems in character, apart from the hair,' said Lily.

**'It's neither a beach at sunset, nor a forest, but I suppose McGonagall's office ****_has _****its perks…'**

The corner of Lily's mouth turned up in a half smirk. 'And knowing Siobhan, she has some very specific perks in mind.'

'Oh, come on. Siobhan is a prude,' said Sirius.

'A prude with a dirty mind, darling. Just because she doesn't _act _on it doesn't mean she doesn't _talk _about it.'

This got Sirius's interest. 'So you girls talk about sex with each other?'

'Yes.'

'And what do you say? What kind of things do you discuss?'

'Sirius, you insulted my fantasies; I'm not going to tell you about my conversations. You'll just have to use your imagination for that.' She reached out to pet his head, but couldn't reach him and settled for a thumbs-up instead. Next to her, James snorted.

**'Shut it, you.' Lily looked over her shoulder and shook her head at James. **

'Rejected!' Peter said.

James wrapped an arm around Lily's shoulders. 'Successful!'

**'You sure?' he mouthed.**

**She nodded, though a part of her wondered how that would end. Not as well as her imaginary forest scene, probably. **

'This is the moment where you tell us about that scene.' Sirius closed the book, though he kept his finger at the right page. 'Go on, Evans. We'll listen carefully.'

'Nice try, Black. I'm not telling you a _thing_.'

**'Potter!' McGonagall called, startling Lily again. 'I'll see both you ****_and _****Miss Evans in my office this afternoon.' **

'If this is turning into a threesome with Minerva, I don't need to read the rest,' Remus said. 'Just let me know if that's the case.'

'I don't think so,' Sirius said, reading ahead.

**For someone who only seconds before had offered to get in trouble for this exact result, James looked pretty surprised. Probably because he hadn't done anything wrong yet. **

'See? Teachers never think Lily would do something wrong – and they think I'm being naughty without doing anything!' James shook his head. 'The world is so unfair.'

**'Well, that's solved,' said Siobhan. 'I expect the two of you shagging at the end of the afternoon, darling.'**

'It doesn't work that way,' said Sirius. 'I've told James this loads of times, and the _one time_ I forget it, he actually starts snogging her!'

'Just to spite you,' Peter said.

**Lily looked sceptical. 'What, exactly, do you expect to happen during that meeting that couldn't happen during our patrols?'**

'That's just a stupid question to ask in a story,' Peter said. 'If a character says something like that, you just _know _something big is going to happen!'

'There's a line break now, so we're moving on to after class,' said Sirius. 'Be ready!'

**'Mister Potter, Miss Evans, don't you think it's about time the UST between you was resolved?' Minerva McGonagall said, **

Lily guffawed, but none of the others reacted.

**when after class Lily and James were the only ones left. **

'What's UST?' Peter said.

**'U-UST, Professor?' James said.**

**She let out a long sigh. 'Unresolved Sexual Tension, Mister Potter. **

James blinked. 'McGonagall is talking to us about Unresolved Sexual Tension?_ McGonagall_? How did this happen?'

'I bet she's been shipping you for years,' said Peter. 'She was just looking at you, thinking, _Oh, if I could get those two together, my life as a teacher would be complete! _And now she's decided to stop the subtle hints and just tell you to get on with it already.'

'Because that really sounds like something McGonagall would do,' Remus said.

**I expected a teenage boy to know that.'**

'Seconds after talking about UST, she's moved on to insulting Prongs's… womanizing skills? Wanking skills? Porn reading skills? I don't know what she's insulting,' Sirius said. 'But _something _about you is being insulted, James.'

**'Oh. Well, Lily and I – we're still – there isn't that much UST,' he said, tugging at the knot of his tie. **

'I love it when a man does that,' Lily said dreamily. 'Too bad you don't wear a tie in the woods. Though maybe you should…'

'Oh, so James actually _is _in the fantasy?' said Sirius. 'That's good to know. I thought you were just tanning.'

**The door opened and in came Slughorn. He took one look at the scene and narrowed his eyes at McGonagall. 'Minerva, this is cheating.'**

'Am I the only one who now thinks there was going to be a threesome, but McGonagall is secretly dating Slughorn and now he thinks she's cuckolding him and it ends in a foursome?' Peter said.

The others were silent.

'Yes, Peter,' said Remus. 'You were the only one who thought that.'

**'It is helping my cause, Horace.'**

'Her cause? To get Lily and James together?' Remus said. 'Or is there a hidden bigger plan going on?'

**'What are they talking about?' Lily muttered to James. **

**'Their own UST, maybe?' he said.**

'See! Fanfiction!Prongs thought McGonagall and Slughorn were shagging,' Peter said. 'I knew I wasn't the only one.'

**'Mister Potter, Lily,' Slughorn said, turning to the students, 'if I so much hear a rumour that the two of you hook up ****_before _****next Monday, you will both get detention.'**

'And there's Horace Slughorn, the evil man who is the _real _reason Lily has been rejecting James for so long!' Peter said. 'Now I'm starting to think he might have UST with her…'

'How come he sees subtext everywhere?' Lily said. 'Peter, it's Slughorn. Slug. Horn. I respect Horace very much, but I think he might be a bit old for me.'

**'Horace! You can't do that!' Minerva got up from her chair. She was a lot more impressive when she stood and towered above Slughorn. 'It's for their wellbeing that I'm helping them with this!'**

'So it is Minnie's bigger goal to just get you together,' Remus said. 'The things I learn about my teachers…'

**'This bet has nothing to do with that!'**

'The bet?' Peter said.

'It gets explained,' said Sirius.

**'Er… bet, sir?' said Lily.**

**He sighed and took out a handkerchief from his breast pocket. Wiping it across his forehead, he said, 'I thought it would take you until at least February before you gave in to Mister Potter's romancing. Minerva, however…'**

James wasn't sure whether to laugh or groan. 'Teachers had bets on that?'

'I don't know about that, but the students did,' said Sirius. 'A lot of money is going to change hands when they get back after Christmas and find out you're a couple now.'

**'Horace, you have no idea how their minds work!'**

'Implying that Minnie knows all about hormonal teenage minds?' said Peter. 'Now, she's a smart woman, but I doubt she knows _that_…'

**'Oh, I know a ****_lot _****about how teenagers think about those things!'**

'Peter, don't,' Remus said, when Peter opened his mouth.

'Guys, that isn't even subtext anymore! Just read that!' Peter pointed at the book. 'McGonagall is shagging her students, I tell you!'

**'Maybe it's about time we leave,' James said to Lily. **

**'Good plan.'**

**As they walked away, they both realised that there was one true thing about this entire event. McGonagall had been right: it was time they did something about their UST. So they snogged in a broom closet and skipped dinner. The end.**

'That was abrupt,' James said. 'So much for romantic build-up or something like that.'

'Quick, to the point, leaving out scary details where people describe what Prongs's spit tastes like…' Remus noticed the strange looks he was getting. 'Okay, I only read one story where they described that, but that was more than enough.'

'I love it how the author added "and skipped dinner". After years they finally get together – oh, and they missed dinner. Because that really means something to the readers?' Sirius shook his head and searched for another story to inspire him. 'These authors…'

'I can't wait to see you do better,' Remus said.

'You'll be blown away, Moony. Until then – shall we do another one?'

* * *

**A/N: Pilko95 came up with the idea of Lily and James getting together and teachers having bets. I'm not sure if you can tell, but I couldn't decide on making this a badfic or not, so it's a semi-seriously written badfic kind of... oneshot thing. Or something. I hope you like it!**


	36. Lord Potter and the Forces of Darkness

**A/N: This story? Isn't very funny. I came across a fanfiction a couple of days ago and this is based off that one. It just made me _so _angry and then I thought, 'Well, I have a fanfiction for pointing out why this is messed up, haven't I?' So that's what I'm doing. After the page break (about halfway through), things might push the wrong buttons for some people; if you're one of those, I suggest you stop reading there. To put it in perspective: I felt physically ill writing it.  
**

* * *

'This one is called _Lord Potter and the Forces of Darkness,_' Sirius said. 'It isn't as impressive as Sir Sirius, I'm sure, but we can always try and see how James would handle having a title.'

'Even though the Magical World doesn't have any titles,' said Remus.

'When has logic _ever _stopped these authors?' Peter shook his head. 'Remus, it's brave of you to keep trying to find sense in this, but you have to admit, you won't find any. Once in a while we come across a story that has a plot and normal characters and reality, but most of the time, it's shite. If you accept that, things will be easier for you.'

'Someone needs to keep trying,' said Remus.

'And I'll always help you.' Lily grabbed his hand. 'Together we will wield the Holy Spork until everything in the fanfictions makes sense.'

'Right, so, Lord Potter?' James said.

**A/N: This is kind of a story in an AU **

'Do we know what that means yet?' Peter said.

'Yes! I looked it up,' said Remus. 'AU means Alternate Universe. So we can all relax and know that this is _not _how things will go according to canon.'

'Which is a shame if this story is about how Prongs gets turned into a unicorn and spends the rest of his life eating rainbows and pooping butterflies,' said Sirius, 'but might be a relief if the story is about psychopaths. At the rate we're going, I'm more inclined to go with the latter.'

'Am I going to turn into a unicorn in your novel?' James said.

'Nah, I think Pete's going to be one. You'll be in a secret organisation, though.'

**where Voldemort has won **

'Meaning that in the real universe Voldemort won't win?' Lily seemed cheered by the thought. 'Well, that's something at least.'

'Why would someone write about a universe where Voldemort _has _won?' Sirius said.

'Angst purposes?' said Remus. 'Wangst? Drama? Or maybe she's just plain evil.'

'Wangst?' Peter said.

'A combination of whining and angst. It's not good.'

**and James has gone over to the bad side **

'I'm already out of character and the real story hasn't started yet,' said James.

'Well, at least you can't be as bad as in _Master of the Universe,_' said Lily, resting her head on his shoulder. 'You really were a scary little man there. At least here you're just a Death Eater.'

**but is still a good person and stuff. **

'I'd say Death Eater and good person are mutually exclusive,' said Sirius.

'Maybe I'm just such a… Mary Sue I can pull it off anyway. Do male Mary Sues exist?' James looked from Lily to Remus.

Remus shrugged, but Lily nodded and said, 'They're generally called Marty Sues or Gary Stus. They're less common and usually manifest themselves differently from their female counterparts. While Mary Sues are often beautiful and pure and super talented, Gary Stus are like the _ultimate _man, with constant stubble and a whole list of people they've killed and they have loads of girls chasing them. They're _rough_, generally. In a way, Gary Stus are older than Mary Sues; Medieval literature was full of them, like Galahad, or maybe even Arthur, although he _did _make one grave mistake…'

'Enough with the lecture already,' said Sirius 'Prongs: Evil and Gary Stu. Onwards!'

**Lily is going to redeem him in the end. **

'We haven't started the story and we already know how it's going to end,' said Peter. 'I'm not sure if that's lazy or brilliant, if, in the end, Lily doesn't redeem him and the author is going to laugh at us and say, "Did you actually believe that?" It would be very clever, wouldn't it?'

**He's not a bad person and they have a true love and everything. **

'We have a True Love,' said Lily. 'I hate it when people say something like that. It's beyond tacky. Like there's someone in the world just _waiting _for you and the moment you clasp eyes on him or her, you just know, and then you're happy with each other for the rest of eternity, even though you never take the time to get to know each other.'

'If there's anything we can say about our relationship, it's that _that _isn't true,' said James.

'No. You're right. Maybe I was talking more about Love at First Sight…'

**A/N 2: **

'Why isn't that just with the first author's note?' said James.

'Maybe it was added later – just wait,' said Sirius.

**Some reviewer said James is a psychopath but he isn't. **

'I'm not,' said James. 'I'm weird and I've been a bully, but I'm not a psychopath.'

**Psychopathy doesn't just strike, okay? **

'Maybe he was a psychopath the entire time?' said Peter.

'You should take your own advice to heart and not think about logic, Pete,' Remus said.

**And he's under a lot of pressure. He is still a good guy. No flames anymore, please.**

'And _finally _we get to the actual story,' Sirius said.

**At the reading of the will of the late Lord Charlus Potter, **

'My dad's a Lord?'

'That's why you inherit the title, probably,' said Remus.

**many people were present. The Dark Lord, of course, **

'Oh, yeah, of course Voldemort is present at the reading of my father's will. Why wouldn't he be!' James shook his head. 'I know I'm evil here, but this is still weird. Why would Voldemort _bother_? Does he think my dad left him something?'

**but also others, like James Potter, **

'Good to know you're present,' said Peter. 'It would've sucked if you'd just thought, "Sod it, I'm off", huh?'

'That's my money they're reading about,' said James. 'Not going would be stupid, even if I am evil.'

**Sirius Black (who was a Death Eater now too), **

'Am I still good as well, or is James the only one who's that special?' Sirius's mouth was a tight line. 'I get that it's an Alternate Universe, but really, this is just denying my entire character, isn't it? Even if I wasn't opposed to Voldemort's ideals, I still wouldn't join, just to annoy my parents. I hereby declare this Sirius Black to be a fake.'

**Remus Lupin, Lily Evans and many others. **

'This is one of those few cases where I'm glad I'm always neglected,' said Peter. 'Are Remus and Lily evil as well?'

'Probably, otherwise Voldemort would've killed us, I reckon,' said Lily.

'**And now I shall knight Mr James Potter, so he may becometh Lord James Charlus Potter, **

Remus repressed the urge to slam his head against the table. '"Becometh"?'

'I'm just reading it, Moony,' said Sirius.

**of the Ancient and Noble House of Potter,' **

'This is bullshit,' James sang.

**The Dark Lord said, taking his wand and tapping James's shoulder. 'Rise, Lord Potter!'**

'Is there _any _way someone could say that without sounding like a pompous arse?' said Lily.

'It's so bad and I'm sure you're going to hate me after this, but… there might be small Lord Potters rising, if you know what I mean,' said Peter.

Lily groaned. 'That does _not _make the line better, Peter. And I doubt it's called Lord Potter.'

'It isn't,' James said quickly.

**James got up from his kneeling stance. On his finger appeared a heavy, golden ring that before had adorned his father's hand. In the middle was the Potter Seal.**

'Your family has a seal?' said Lily.

'Yes, but… I wouldn't wear a ring with that on it.'

'**And now, I shall read the rest of the Will.' **

'That's capitalized. Now I just keep thinking of Voldemort reading a person named Will,' said Sirius. 'Why is he doing that anyway? Aren't there people in the Ministry for that?'

'Plot convenience?' said Peter.

**The Dark Lord sayeth, **

'Oh, for Merlin's sake!' Remus exclaimed. 'WHY?'

**taking the scroll of parchment. 'It is hereby declared that an amount of a hundred thousand galleons shall go to Sirius Black. **

'Wow,' said Sirius. 'Thanks, Charlus. I think you might've just given me half of England's galleon collection. I doubt our economy would work if people just had amounts of money this big.'

**Another hundred thousand galleons shall go to Remus Lupin. **

'That's nice, considering the amount of interaction your dad and I had,' said Remus. 'He's a nice bloke, but…'

'Now I can't help but wonder, if he's giving this much to you, is anything left for me or does my family suddenly have a _massive _vault for all this money?' James said.

**The rest of the fortune, being eighty million four hundred and twelve galleons, five sickles and eight knuts, will go to Lord James Potter, **

'A massive vault, then,' James said. 'I… am… very shocked.'

'I'm pretty sure there aren't enough galleons in Europe for this,' said Remus, frowning as he did the calculations. 'I… either way, this amount of money would be very bad for our economy, like Sirius said. Unless there's been some extreme inflation, but even so…'

**as will the Potter Mansions. **

'Oh, we have several mansions now?' James said. 'There is no end to my wealth, it seems.'

'It's not like you're poor now,' said Peter.

'No, but this is a whole new dimension of being rich!'

**Also, due to the new Muggleborn Restriction Law, **

Lily blinked. 'I beg your pardon?'

'A Muggleborn Restriction Law,' said Sirius. 'No idea what it means.'

'It can hardly be more sexist than that Marriage law,' said James.

* * *

[**real A/N: Do not continue if you think this might trigger you.]**

* * *

**he will get Lily Evans as his slave, **

Lily's jaw dropped. James had been wrong – this was far worse than a Marriage law. 'I – I – WHAT? WHAT?! How did that – that is – how – _who wrote this?!_'

'Lily, calm down. It's just a story. And seeing as I'm still good, I'll release you anyway,' said James, wondering if that made it any better. He was feeling queasy at the thought of having Lily as a slave, but that was nothing compared to how Lily seemed to be feeling.

'That is – that - '

'It'll probably get better,' said Sirius.

**and the right to marry two women and have an unspecified number of concubines.'**

'Or not. Christ.' Sirius had to blink from the misogyny.

'**Wow, James,' Peter whispered. 'How - '**

'**Don't call me James,' James spat. 'It's Lord Potter for you, you miserable excuse for a human.' **

'Is this author trying to make us hate the story in every way imaginable?' said Remus. 'Or would that just be a side effect from his horrible, horrible thoughts?'

**He got a quill and wrote his name under the document the Dark Lord had been reading.**

'**Wh-what?' the redheaded girl whispered. **

'God, this is almost worse than what came before,' said Lily, who was almost on the brink of laughing for lack of a better way to express her horror. 'I don't have a name anymore – I'm just a redheaded girl now. It's subtle, but that is a horrible objectification of a human being. This author has some issues.'

'**I – I'm just going to be his sex toy? **

'And this _is even worse_! I just assume James is going to use me for sex? I don't have any faith he'll be nice to me, respect my wishes, release me, or whatever? I just - ' Without noticing it herself, she grabbed James's arm and pinched him so hard James flinched. 'I hate this author so much.'

**Just – just like that? How is that even possible?'**

'At least Lily's still complaining in-story,' said Peter. 'Maybe… maybe everything will turn out okay…'

'**It's the new law,' explained Remus. **

'I differentiate myself from this Remus Lupin as well,' said Remus. 'I don't care what the context is, I wouldn't just stand there and say _that _when one of my friends was about to be enslaved. With that one sentence the author made me a sociopath!'

Sirius sent him a rueful smile. 'You think you're a sociopath? Just wait for my next lines in this. And Lily, I'm just reading this, it in _no way _reflects my opinions.'

'**Please don't make a scene.' **

Lily took a deep breath and dug her nails into James's arm.

'Er… Lily?' he said.

'What?' She followed his gaze to his arm and quickly let him go. 'Sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I just… _Merlin_, I'm so angry right now.'

**Sirius placed a hand on her shoulder, but quickly pulled it away when he saw James narrowing his eyes at him. **

'That fanfiction!me just joined the psychopath club,' said James.

'Can I give a mini rant? I fear I might explode otherwise,' Lily said.

'By all means, go ahead.'

'That right there, it's horrible! First Sirius tells me to just accept it that I'm going to be a slave and then he wants to comfort me, James _doesn't want me comforted_ and he starts treating my like I'm his property! This has to be the most sexist thing I've _ever _read and I've read _Fifty Shades of _fucking _Grey!_'

'**That's the way things go nowadays, Evans. You're a Muggleborn, you become the property of Pureblood Wizards. **

'There are no words to express how fucked up this is,' Lily said through clenched teeth.

**At least you're James's now; things could've been much worse!'**

'With James going downhill so fast? I doubt it,' Lily said.

'**But - '**

'**Lily, shut up,' James commanded, **

'See what I mean? I hope I hit you in this story,' she said. 'So far I'm the _only _one showing normal behaviour in this.'

**and just like that, Lily found she couldn't finish her sentence.**

'Okay, that's it. _That's it_. We're not finishing this,' she said, getting up. 'That is revolting. It's sexist and sociopathic and vile and I feel dirty just reading it.'

'You're not the only one,' James muttered. 'Shall we… do something normal? Something fluffy to… make the pain of this go away?'

'I think I might have to go vomit first.' Sirius placed the Companion on the floor and slowly walked up the stairs to the dormitory.

* * *

**A/N: There. It's sick, it's twisted, and it's based off _Harry Potter and the Head of Black_, by el pepe (don't know where it's published; I only read a sporked version of it). If you love your brain, don't read the original. It's worse than this and it had me clenching my fists in anger. And that was _with _someone else pointing out every sentence what was wrong with it.**

**Next one will be funny again, I promise. I just _had _to vent my anger over this popping up, because I know it happens more often and it's sick.  
**


	37. Teacher's Pet

'Give me something fluffy or I'll die,' Lily said when Sirius had returned. 'I mean something that will just make me squeal with "That's so cute!" rather than "Oh my God, I'm going to find this author and chop his head of with a Spork"…'

'We must look at the bright side,' said Peter.

'There was a bright side to that shit?' James wondered if maybe it was time to worry about Peter's mental health.

'Yes. At least we know we will _never _find anything worse than that. No matter what horrible things we might encounter in the future, I doubt there is anyone else as completely psychotic as that author.'

'Right. Okay. This one is – thankfully – rated T, which means Teenager,' said Sirius. 'It's called _Teacher's Pet_ and is about Remus and Hermione Granger.'

'That name rings a bell – which bell is it?' James cocked his head, trying to remember where he'd heard the name Hermione before.

'Well, Hermione is the daughter of Helen of Troy and Menelaos of Sparta, and later married Agamemnon and Clytemnestra's son Orestes…' Remus said. 'But she's also the girl who came from the future, just told us so, proceeded to kill Peter and then had sex with Sirius.'

'Oh, that one,' said James.

'As soon as it becomes squicky, we stop,' Lily said. 'You all agree on that?'

The Marauders nodded and Sirius started reading.

**A/N: This is in the third year, but just imagine Hermione is, like, seventeen or something, OK? **

'The third year?' Peter said.

'Harry's third year, probably,' said Lily. 'Which, if we still think I got Harry at twenty-five, means that Remus is about thirty-eight. If it's romance - '

'- Remus would be a bit of a paedophile, but hey, we're used to that by now,' said Sirius. He was being overly cheerful in order to keep the awkwardness from the last story at bay. 'I mean, the difference isn't much bigger than between him and Dora…'

'Maybe it isn't romance,' said Remus.

'It is. Says so right here.' Sirius tapped the story's description.

**I don't own the Harry Potter series – if I did, Remus and Sirius would still be alive. **

That took the smile off Sirius's face. 'Meaning I am dead the way it is now?'

'Author of canon, I do not approve of this,' Remus said to the ceiling, but alas, JK Rowling did not hear him. 'Please keep us alive.'

**So would James and Lily **

'At this rate, we're all dead,' James said. 'Maybe this is just very far in the future? I mean, in this story you're obviously still alive, so maybe this is just about when we're supposed to be ninety or something and they wanted to give us eternal life?'

'Maybe,' said Lily. 'I hope so.'

**and Fred **

'Fred?' Peter said.

'Don't know one,' said Sirius.

**and… everyone, actually, except for Dolohov, Peter and Voldemort.**

'What. Do. I. Do. To. Get. In. That. List?!' Peter said, his anger making it difficult to speak. 'I mean it! Everybody would be alive – except for me, a Death Eater and Voldemort? Why does everybody hate me?'

**The door to Remus's office creaked when it was pushed open, startling the professor as he graded the second-years' essays. **

'Let's analyse this, shall we?' Sirius said. 'One: it is the office of Remus. Two: A professor is grading. We already had that other story mentioning Remus as a professor. Ergo, Remus really is going to work as a professor at Hogwarts. Let us all rejoice this discovery even though we never expected any differently.'

'What would I teach?' said Remus.

'Anything but Potions, Divination or Care of Magical Creatures, I'd reckon,' Peter said.

**He looked up just in time to see Hermione Granger closing the door behind her admirable arse.**

'Even though she killed Peter, I can't help but like this Hermione,' said Sirius.

Lily groaned and slapped his arm. 'Just because she has a nice arse doesn't mean she's a nice person.'

'But it never hurts, either.'

'**Hello, Professor Lupin,' she said. **

'Just think of all the students, calling Remus that,' James said. 'Just think of how he'd give people detention. He could take points from Houses! He could even become the Head of Gryffindor if Minnie decides to stop!'

'**Miss Granger,' he said curtly, **

'That is not the way into a girl's heart, Remus,' Sirius said. 'Always be nice and charming. They like that.'

'I'm her teacher, I shouldn't want to get into her heart,' Remus said. 'Besides, I thought she was shagging you last time we read about her? I doubt she's my type.'

'From what I can gather, young, feisty girls are exactly your type,' said Sirius. 'And maybe Hermione and I don't hook up in canon. Maybe she's your fling before you marry Dora.'

'Maybe she doesn't really sleep with either of you,' Lily said. 'Seeing as _both _of you are at least… twenty years her senior, if not more. Maybe this is just like those Remus/Sirius or me/Sirius ships; personal preferences of the author with no ground in canon.'

'And maybe Remus is shagging his students,' Sirius said. 'One or the other.'

**bringing his attention back to his essays. They were safer to think about than the way he caught just a whiff of Hermione's perfume or the fact that he'd been dreaming about her all night. **

'And I think I'm right,' Sirius said.

'Maybe she's two-timing you,' said James.

'I still think this doesn't really happen.' Remus looked uneasy. 'I mean, it said in the author's note that we had to pretend she was seventeen. So she probably wasn't, meaning she was probably younger. I really think I'd draw the age-difference line at twenty.'

'**Can I help you with something?'**

'Is it subtext here?' Peter looked around. 'Or is it just plain text?'

'Text,' Lily said. 'Definitely text.'

'**Yes, actually.' **

'I'll bet she said this with a meaningful look,' said Sirius.

**She leaned against his desk and fumbled with the knots of her robe where they were tied together at her neck. **

'Oh, man, we're getting a striptease!'

'Sirius, don't start wanking,' said James. 'There are ladies present. And _we're_ present, for that matter. We don't need to see you doing that.'

Sirius rolled his eyes. 'We've been told this girl is hot, she's stripteasing for Remus… I can like this, can't I? From a purely aesthetical perspective?'

**Sighing deeply, she let her robe fall to the ground, revealing a classy but sexy black dress, black tights and very high heels. **

'To be fair, it is a relief that someone is wearing normal clothes,' Lily said, 'After pink fishnets and corsets and Merlin knows what else, I'm glad that this Hermione dresses classily. She might have killed Peter and shagged both Remus and Sirius, but she does it in style.'

'**I had some difficulty with my essay.' She took a rubber band from her hair and shook her head, so her dark blond curls framed her face.**

'Someone else read, please,' Sirius said, handing the book to Remus. 'My mind is too active when I'm reading the words myself. I need one of your voices to un-sexify it for me.'

**Not that Remus saw it – **

'There you go – already it's less sexy,' Sirius said. 'Merlin, Moony, you need to get your priorities right. Hot girl stripping for you means you _pay attention to her!_'

'She's my student!' Remus threw his hands in the air. 'It's inappropriate!'

**he was still staring at the essays, though it became increasingly hard for him to do so. **

'Finally, some sign that he is a normal human being. About time.'

'Sirius thinks it's his job to make sure we have half-decent sex lives,' James said to Lily. 'Last summer he tried to get all of us laid, but no one did. Not even he. It's quite pathetic, really.'

'**What part do you need help with?' **

'**I just don't get how vampires did the mind control thing,' she said, **

'No! Hermione, I counted on you to be a sexy vamp!' Sirius said, but then he smiled. 'Ah. Vampires. Vamp. I get it. Smooth, Hermione. I see why I like you.'

**reaching out to touch his shoulder. 'Do they need eye contact with their victims? Is it true they actively sought out beautiful women to change?' Her fingers caressed his neck, played with his tie.**

'What's with women and ties?' Peter said, looking at Lily. 'First Lily, now this Hermione…'

Lily shrugged, a happy smile on her face. 'I don't know. There's just something incredibly sexy about them. And you can use it to pull him closer to you and… I don't know. Ties are sexy.' As if to give her words more credit, she gently tugged James's tie. 'Very sexy.'

'Evans, we're already reading a half porno,' Sirius said. 'We don't need to _see _one as well.'

'**Hermione, we can't do this,' he said. **

'Thank you, fanfiction!me,' Remus said. 'Glad to see someone is making sense here.'

'You'll change your mind,' said Sirius. 'Trust me on this.'

**He had to choke back the desire building in his throat. **

'See? You totally want her.'

He didn't notice the way James rested his hand on Lily's leg. Lily noticed, though.

So did Peter, who glared at James until he pulled his hand away again.

'**You're my student, it would be wrong…'**

'Listen to me, listen to me,' Remus said, closing his eyes as if in prayer. 'I make sense. Don't make me a paedophile…'

'**I'm off age,' she said. **

'She's legal, mate,' Sirius said.

'Still my student!'

**Her tone made it clear they'd had this argument before. **

'Oh no.' Remus shielded his eyes with his hand. 'I often argue with my students about having sex with them?'

'I think it might be just this student,' said Sirius. 'Well, Hermione and Dora, anyway. Which puts the total at two. You're a naughty teacher, Moony.'

'**Remus, I -'**

'**I'm still your teacher…'**

'So, is he going to sleep with her?' James said. 'I say he does.'

'Definitely,' Sirius said.

'I won't,' said Remus.

'He will,' said Lily, and Peter nodded.

'Do you guys _want _to see me arrested?'

Sirius snorted. 'No, they just want to read about sex, Moony.'

**She looked down at her lap. His eyes followed her gaze. 'Fine,' she said. 'If you don't want to play. **

'Bit petulant, isn't she?' Lily said.

'I wonder what she means by "play",' Peter said.

Sirius rolled his eyes and put a hand on Peter's shoulder. 'Wormtail, this might come as a bit of a shocker, but… I think she means sex.'

'No, I mean – think they're doing role plays?'

'Guys, time to stop,' Remus said.

**Maybe Professor Snape would help me. **

'Aaaaaaand she killed the mood. Just like that.' Sirius snapped his fingers. 'How did Snape get into the conversation?'

'Forget that – how did he become a professor?' said James. 'Can you imagine him teaching your children? I'm sure he'd bully them to an inch of their lives and then _take that inch_.'

'Also, is this Hermione into older men? First Sirius, then Remus, now Snape…' Peter raised his eyebrows.

'She doesn't really shag Snivellus,' Sirius said confidently. 'She's just saying that to piss off Moony.'

**I heard _he _knows a lot about eye contact as well.' **

'Yes, because you need it during dark curses,' said James. 'Not because it helps when flirting with someone.'

'I wonder how good Hermione's grades are…' Sirius mused.

**She slid off the desk and headed for the door, but was stopped by Remus's hand on her wrist.**

'See? That's a shag coming, right there,' Sirius said. 'Told you so.'

'**Mione, please don't go,' he said, pulling her towards him. **

'That's an awful nickname,' Sirius said, frowning. 'I hope I don't call her that in bed…'

'Oh, yes, _Padfoot_, Mione is a horrible nickname.' Lily grinned at his insulted expression. 'For someone who called his best friend _Wormtail_, I doubt you have any right to say _anything _about horrible nicknames.'

**She grinned as she tumbled against him. 'You don't want me to leave?' she whispered, her mouth close to her ear. **

'Either that last "her" should be "his", or this shagalicious girl we've been reading about has some strange facial features,' James said.

**His arms closed around her. 'Never.'**

'How dramatic.' Sirius yawned. 'Get on with it already!'

'**That's a relief. I almost considered going to Pigfarts, **

Lily choked. While James clapped her on her back, she said, '_Pigfarts_?'

'Yeah, never heard of it?' Sirius said. 'I've a third cousin twice removed, or something like that, who went there.' His face was perfectly innocent.

'_Pigfarts?!_'

**hoping their teachers would be nicer.' She laughed and tried to kiss him, but he pulled away.**

'I seem to be stronger than you give me credit for,' Remus said. 'I knew I wouldn't have sex with my students.'

'**Pigfarts?' he said.**

'You're only not sleeping with her because you want to know what Pigfarts is. Curiosity killed the shag.'

**She groaned. 'That'll teach me for talking about something you don't know about when I'm horny, I guess. **

'She knows you well,' Sirius said.

**Yes, Remus, Pigfarts. **

'That name doesn't get any more normal when you hear it more often,' said James.

**Surely you've heard of it? It's a magic school on Mars.' **

'And this explains it! Schools on Mars never have normal names.' James shook his head. 'How do these authors come up with things like this? Magic schools on Mars?'

'**I think I might've read about it somewhere,' he said. 'Isn't their headmaster a lion?'**

'Remus, want to tell us something?' Peter said. 'About schools with lions for headmasters?'

'**Who can talk? **

'Talking lions for headmasters?' Peter gave Remus a pointed look.

**Yes. Malfoy has told me all about it – **

'Malfoy – Lucius?' Sirius said, looking mostly at James.

'Maybe his kid? If she's friends with Harry, then Lucius might have a kid the right age as well…'

**apparently he's going as soon as his intergalactic spaceship is finished **

'I have bad memories concerning intergalactic things and wizards,' Peter said. 'Let's never send Prongs to Pigfarts.'

**and he offered for me to come with him.' She giggled at Remus's jealous expression. **

'I'm jealous of someone who… thinks…' Remus shook his head. 'Pigfarts. I just can't wrap my mind around it.'

'**Don't worry, darling. I'd never leave you for someone who thinks you need an intergalactic spaceship to get to Mars.'**

'I'm not sure if that remark is very smart or just very weird,' Lily said. 'Sure, you don't need an intergalactic spaceship to get to Mars, just one to cross our solar system, and not even that far – but if someone has an intergalactic spaceship, wouldn't that alone be reason enough to talk to him? Think of the possibilities!'

'So back in fourth year, I should've just got one of those and you'd have gone out with me?' James said.

She grinned and leaned over to kiss him. 'Maybe.'

'**Good. Spacesuits wouldn't suit you.' **

'Spacesuits don't suit anyone,' Remus said. 'They're the most uncharming attire since collars that made you look like a bird who's swallowed a plate.'

**He did kiss her now and his fingers were playing with the hem of her dress.**

Remus scanned ahead. 'And… the rest is porn. It's consensual, though, which is nice. For a change.' He put the book away; he doubted his friends would want to read about him having sex, even if it was with a beautiful girl.

'Right,' James said. 'So, after… this story, I… Lily, have I ever shown you my… my…'

'Collection of… things?' she said, nodding. 'No, you haven't. Maybe you should.'

'Now.'

'Yes.'

'Right. Bye. See you lot later.' James nodded his goodbye at the other Marauders and then followed Lily up the stairs to their dormitory.

'Ah, dammit,' Sirius said, as he hear the door slam behind them. 'My novel's there. Now I can't work on it.'

'Time for a snack then?' Peter said.

'Good plan.'

* * *

**A/N: Once again, I am sorry for the last chapter. I'm glad you were all outraged - the original got good reviews. So, about this chapter. Shameful confession: when I was younger (i.e. before HBP) I shipped Remus and Hermione, sort of. I always thought they'd work out together. So this is kind of a late wishfulfillment kind of thing. Also, everybody rejoice, today I'm 18! Hurrah!**


	38. Family Business I

'So I was thinking, after I compete in the Triwizard Tournament, which I'll win, but only _just_, because the competition from Beauxbatons is very fierce, it'll turn out that Peter is actually a Death Eater who has been trying to kill me all along. He's the one who made sure I got into the Tournament in the first place, because he hoped one of the tasks would kill me. _Then_, in a shocking twist of twistiness that is unexpected, Remus will confess that he's been shagging… Siobhan for months. And even though I love her, I couldn't come out for it because I thought Voldemort might target her otherwise, so I can't blame Remus. And in the background of events, Prongs discovers that Lily has been a vampire hunter for years and they have relationship issues.' Sirius looked around at his friends. 'I thought that might make a good second instalment of my novel.'

'Maybe you should make this the first one,' James said. 'The plot sounds a lot more plausible than you escaping from Gringotts on a dragon or finding the Chamber of Secrets…'

'Although that was an awesome idea,' said Peter. 'Maybe I could have a realisation that I don't want to be a Death Eater, get something very important from Gringotts and then have that escape?'

'I don't know.' Sirius took a deep, contemplative breath. 'I think it would give depth to your character if we all really thought you were a good guy, but you turned out to be evil all along.'

'But wouldn't it be character development if I repented?'

Sirius pinched the bridge of his nose and waited a couple of seconds before answering. 'Wormtail, your character development would be that you become evil. Your slow slipping of slippery slopes would be the development. You can hardly go back up again after that.'

Peter tried to keep his face straight. 'But…'

'It just isn't likely.'

'Oh, and Remus having sex with Siobhan _is_?' Peter gestured at Remus, meaning to indicate his skinny frame and general lack of sexual experience. 'If Remus can have an affair, I can become a good guy again, can't I?'

'I'll think about it. I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you, though. I like the idea of you as a villain, unrealistic as it might be. Oh, and look who's there – our favourite demon huntress and vampire slayer!'

James smiled when Lily came in through the Portrait Hole.

'I knew about the demon huntress, but when did I become a vampire slayer?' she said, throwing her bag next to the couch and sitting down on James's arm rest.

'Since I thought it would give depth to your character. And it sounded cool.' Sirius shrugged. 'I think I'm really going to put a lot of thought behind it – some ancient ritual, making you the chosen one or something like that.'

Lily nodded, impressed. 'That sounds like a great plan. Anything else I should know, or would that spoil the plot?'

'Best to keep it a surprise,' said Sirius. 'But it's going to be awesome, I'll tell you that.'

'Until then, shall we do another story from the Companion? Maybe Sirius will be inspired,' said Remus, Summoning the Companion with a flick of his wand.

'I want something with a hot girl in it,' said Peter. 'Maybe that Hermione, if she's not killing me…'

Lily smirked a smirky smirk of smirkiness. 'I wouldn't count on it, Peter. I've read some other stories with her in it – apart from when she's shagging Remus or Sirius, she seems quite bookish and not very… she's very different from what you've read.'

'So she might not really kill me?'

'Probably not.'

'Okay, what about this story,' Remus said. '_Heart of the lion._ The summary is:_ About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Remus was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him – and I didn't know how dominant that part might be – that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him. Remus/Lily.'_

'That sounds incredibly shitty,' James said. 'I mean, even when we leave out the fact that Remus is a werewolf… how stupid would this Lily be? "Oh. he's planning on killing me – but I love him anyway"?'

'Sometimes I think that those characters are created just so the authors can try to prove Darwin wrong.' Remus chuckled. 'It does make you wonder how their genes managed to survive… But okay, a different story, then.' He closed his eyes and opened the Companion on a random page. '_Forgotten Fallen Friend: After Sirius's death – '_

'Different one,' Sirius said.

'_Family business: Sirius and Regulus, the two Black brothers. What people don't know, is that there was a third player in their family – their sister, the enchanting and enigmatic Danaë. What will happen when she goes to Hogwarts?'_

'I'd have a sister?' Sirius said. 'That sounds messed up and Sue-ish, doesn't it? Let's give it a try!'

**Danaë knew she was in trouble the moment **

' – the Holy Spork came crashing down on her,' Lily said.

**the Hat opened his mouth and didn't yell 'Slytherin' **

'She's not a Slytherin?' Sirius looked at Remus. 'She's _not_ a Slytherin? She might not be too bad after all…'

'Sirius, she was described as "enchanting and enigmatic" in the summary. She's still a Mary Sue; I don't even have to read the story to know.'

**for all the world to hear. No, instead she had followed her brother Sirius's example, **

'Always a good idea,' Sirius said, nodding. 'Well done, Danaë.'

**which was why she was now in Gryffindor. It had happened four years ago, this dramatic moment, **

'So she's now a fifth year?' Peter said. 'Think we're still at school?'

'Okay, if she is a Sue, she will probably end up with one of us.' James indicated Peter, Remus and himself. He refused to think of the possibility where she ended with Sirius, though he knew it was there. 'Who do you think?'

'Not Peter,' said Lily. 'Authors dislike him too much. So that would leave you or Remus, and seeing as most people agree our love is the truest to ever lovingly love, that leaves Remus, doesn't it?'

'Welcome to the family, mate,' Sirius said, clapping Remus on the shoulder. 'I really hope for fanfiction!your sake that she's getting disowned, otherwise you're in for a shitload of boring family gatherings.'

'Well, I don't know,' said Peter. 'I mean, isn't she a bit old for Remus's taste?'

Remus narrowed his eyes at him. 'I'm not a paedophile!'

**but her parents never failed to bring it up in their letters, scolding her for it as if there was anything Danaë could've done about it.**

'Well, at least they write to her,' said Sirius. 'They hardly bothered doing that with me. Then again, that might be because I never wrote back.'

**Danaë was two years younger than Sirius, **

'Meaning she's Regulus's twin? Or is this author incapable of counting?'

'Everybody knows writers can't do math,' said Lily.

Sirius blinked. 'I can do math.'

'You won't make a very good writer, then. Unless you're just so talented that you can do both…'

**and looked a lot like him. **

'With dainty, feminine hands?' Peter said. 'Eyes like limpid tears?'

**They both had the same dark hair, the same grey eyes, like limpid tears, **

Peter groaned. 'I was joking!'

**and the same good skin and high cheekbones. **

'This… has to be one of the first time we get a semi-decent description about other things than hair, eyes and amount of muscle or boob,' said James. 'She might still be a Mary Sue, but I think this does make it less bad. No strange details about her hair like… waterfalls of gold or whatever they say, but something that actually helps us to picture her.'

**Her character was completely different from his, though. **

'And we should all be happy about it,' said Remus. 'Because one is more than enough.'

**Where Sirius was brave, impulsive, even reckless at times, Danaë always took care to consider every option, weigh her choices. **

'In other words, she was boring,' said Sirius. 'Sounds like a relative, yeah.'

'Now, Pads, I'd use a lot of words to describe your family, but "boring" isn't among them,' James said. 'You can't deny that family reunions were always interesting. Remember that one time when Lucretia got drunk and tried to murder Cassiopeia because she thought Cassie had stolen her jewels?'

Sirius got a fond smile on his face as he recalled it. 'Oh, right. Shame she didn't succeed, though. I hate Cassie. Stuck-up bitch.'

**She was shy **

'Oh no, not the "I'm so shy and have no friends" routine again,' Lily groaned.

**and didn't have many friends; **

'It's Ariana Riddle all over again,' said Peter.

**most Gryffindors evaded her because of her family, **

'Then you're doing something wrong, darling,' said Sirius. 'I'm from that family as well and Gryffindors aren't evading me, are they?'

'You're interrupting her wangst,' said Remus. 'Don't you hear the angels crying upon the battlefield that is her heart, while playing the smallest violins in the world?'

**most Slytherins despised her because of her House. **

'That still leaves fifty percent of the student population,' said Lily. 'Just thought I'd throw that out there. Authors being unable to do math is one thing, but just forgetting two Houses?'

**Her heart was an emotional wasteland **

'A wasteland instead of a battlefield,' said Peter. 'You're still pretty close, though.'

**and few days went by where she didn't wish she'd just been Sorted into Slytherin.**

**On this day, at the start of her Fifth Year, she knew things wouldn't be any different this year. **

'Oh, come on! Have you never heard of positive thinking? Of taking the initiative yourself?' Lily said. 'If you start your year thinking like this, of course you won't make any friends. People generally aren't attracted to people who keep sulking.'

**After her O.W.L.s, she'd still have the same amount of friends – ergo, none – she'd still be loved exactly as much by her parents – ergo, not at all – and her happiness would still be on the same level – ergo, nonexistent. **

'How horrible her life must be,' said Peter. 'I think I agree with Lily – even the most pathetic figures can make friends, so she should be able to, as well. She can hardly expect that if she just _sits _there and does nothing, friends and happiness will just pop up and say "Okay, your time of moping is done, you're happy now!"'

**Little did she know that things were about to change.**

'Or maybe she can.' Peter shook his head.

**You see, **

Remus glared at the book. 'Don't talk to _me_.'

**things had changed for her over the summer. **

'She'd got "curves in all the right places"?' said Lily.

**While Danaë thought she still looked the same as always, she was now becoming a woman – with all the assets that belonged to being a woman. **

'Is this story very predictable or are we just getting very good at spotting clichés?' Peter said.

**Danaë only thought about it when she reminded herself to buy bigger bras. The boys at Hogwarts only thought about it every time they saw her and all the moments they didn't. **

'Because all boys think about sex all the time,' said Remus, sounding insulted.

'Well…' Lily shot a meaningful look at Sirius and Peter. 'Sometimes, I think they do.'

'**Hey, Black! Black!' someone – a good-looking sixth year Gryffindor – called. **

'Could this be her love interest?' said Sirius. 'I say he is, for Remus's sake.'

**Danaë ignored him, knowing he'd just make fun of her if she reacted.**

Lily was not amused. 'That's not very polite, Danaë.'

**He ran towards her and then eased his pace so he walked at the same speed she did. 'Hey. How are you doin'?' he asked.**

'**Go away, Montgomery,' she sighed.**

'Hey, Danaë! Newsflash! Maybe you haven't got any friends because you're rude,' Lily said, waving he arms. 'Think it's strange nobody wants to talk to you when you just tell them to piss off?'

'**I just want to ask you something,' he retorted. **

Remus flinched at the dialogue tag. 'Author, no. Don't.'

'**Whatever it is, the answer is "no". Leave me alone.' **

'I think your theory is probably right,' James said to Lily. 'This is one of the fastest ways to ensure people leave you alone.'

**He grabbed her wrist. **

'Or not.' Lily frowned. 'Please don't make this something rapetastic again, author. We've had that more than enough already.'

'**Now, Bl – Danaë, play nicely.' His tone suddenly wasn't amiable anymore, but threatening, and Danaë squirmed under his piercing gaze. **

'Why do these authors think rapey vibes are necessary?! She's a witch, have her curse something off or something!' Lily yelled. 'Don't just stand there meekly, cowering under his gaze – _do something!_ This is _your_ story, _you're _supposed to be the heroine!'

'**I just want to talk to you for a moment.'**

'**I – I want to go,' she whispered, trying to pull her arm free.**

'That's a start. Now _hit him_,' Lily said. 'C'mon, Danaë! I might forgive you your clichés if you decide to become a strong woman and stand up for yourself. Don't wait for a handsome man to come and save you, take your faith into your own hands!'

'**I just want to _play_,' he said, **

Lily shuddered. 'At least he is portrayed as scary. I just hope he isn't the love interest.'

**but at that moment, another voice spoke up.**

'If someone is going to save her, could it at least be a woman?' Lily said. 'Just to give the story a feeling of semi-feminism?'

'But that wouldn't be romantic, Lily,' Sirius said. 'Unless this is becoming lesbian porn, which I'm still waiting for…'

'**She said she wanted to go, Montgomery,' James Potter said, **

'Oh no. James is the love interest? I hate you, Danaë,' said Lily. 'He's mine. '

'Don't worry, Lily. I like strong women,' said James. 'I've nothing against saving them, but in the end, I'll always choose you.'

'Barf, barf,' Sirius said. 'Don't be so slimy, Prongs.'

**his voice threatening. 'So I suggest you let the lady go. _Now_.'**

'**I – oh, sorry, Potter. I'm going.' Montgomery backed off. **

'Am I very scary or is he just a wimp?' James said.

'He's a wimp,' said Sirius immediately. 'You couldn't be scary if you tried.'

**James didn't pay attention to him. He was focused on Danaë, who was still a bit shaky.**

'Grow. A. Spine,' Lily growled. 'For fuck's sake, woman!'

'**Are you okay?' he asked. He reached out and briefly touched the back of her hand. 'Montgomery is an arse.'**

'Okay, so Remus isn't the one who is her truest of true loves,' said Sirius. 'It's Prongs. That's a nice and unexpected twist that, no doubt, will ensure Lily is going to be portrayed as a harpy in later chapters.'

**Danaë nodded. She just wished she knew what it all meant. Montgomery, talking to her? And then James, saving her like that? **

'This girl should be in a Victorian novel,' said Remus. 'She fits the part perfectly.'

'I think it's funny how she just assumes James would let her get… assaulted?... while he's there,' said Peter. 'It's not even like he had to go through a lot of trouble to "save" her, he just told someone to sod off. It's not that special.'

'Ah, but Pete, didn't you see the part where he touched her hand?' Sirius said. 'It's their connection of… of… specialness and love. This is a very important moment for the plot. If there is a plot, anyway.'

**Her head was spinning from all that had happened. **

'This is just sad. Maybe the girl has mental problems?' Lily said. 'Or she's suffered some serious neglect, if she thinks this is very unsettling. Hell, I've had more upsetting moments with random strangers on the street and wasn't this shaken!'

**When she looked up, she looked into James's eyes. **

'Using the word "looked" twice in once sentence? Bad author,' said Remus. 'Don't do that.'

**They were a beautiful, dark brown. They reminded her of chocolate. **

'That girl needs to get contacts. They're hazel.'

Sirius sniggered. 'Getting a bit possessive, aren't we, Evans?'

'If she's going to steal my boyfriend, she could _at least _use the right colour to describe his eyes.'

'**Thank you,' she whispered.**

Lily pretended to swoon and fell in James's arms. 'Oh, thank you, James, for saving me from the man who dares talk to me while I didn't want to! How heroic you are! I must praise you because I am nothing but a weak female waiting to be picked up and rescued by the nearest handsome man!'

'Not sure if I'd describe Prongs as "handsome" – d'you want me to save you, Evans?' Sirius said. 'I could hit him to make him let go of you, if you want.'

Lily shifted her weight so she was sitting rather than lying on James, and shook her head. 'Thank you for the offer, but I'm quite comfortable, thank you.'

**He smiled. 'You're more than welcome. Danaë.'**

**He left and she was left looking at him. She loved the sound of her name as spoken by him. **

'We all have things that turn us on,' said Sirius. 'This is a bit sad, but it's better than a fetish concerning House Elves.'

**She laughed when she caught herself thinking about kissing James. **

'Well, that escalated quickly,' Lily said. 'He said hi to you and you already start fantasizing about him?'

James shrugged and ruffled his hair. 'Men like me are used to invoking feeling like that in girls, Lily.'

'What, hysteria? I suppose that _is _true…'

**That was a ridiculous thought. Everyone knew he loved Lily Evans. **

Lily smiled smugly. 'And thank you, author.'

'Even when we know almost certain that James is going to shag the protagonist, people _still _inform us he loves Lily,' Peter said. 'Is it just that important that you two end up together?'

'Wormtail, our son is going to defeat Voldemort. Yes, it is very important that Lily and I get together.'

**She wouldn't have a chance. Would she?**

'No, she wouldn't,' Lily said. 'So please don't try.'

'This was the first chapter – do we declare it worse or better than Ariana?' Sirius said.

'I… I think it's better…' Remus hesitated. 'Although… I don't know. I've grown strangely fond of Ariana's Sueness in a way, while this… Maybe I'll like her better after some more chapters.'

'I prefer Ariana,' said Lily. 'I might be a Scary Sue there, but… No, actually, I think I might prefer this one. I hate Ariana.'

'I need to see how the rest of us are portrayed,' said Peter. 'If I live in this one, I prefer Danaë.'

'So we're generally undecided, then,' Sirius said. 'Okay, that can happen. Shall we do another one?'


	39. Forbidden Love

**A/N: The piece of beauty they're going to read is written by FeetofFire and magic-will-never-end7 and is called _Forbidden Love_. It can be found of FeetofFire's profile and it features one of the worst things imaginable: hidden legacies.**

* * *

'Okay, my little pumpkins,' Sirius said, causing Lily to burst out in laughter. 'What?'

'"My little pumpkins"?' she giggled.

He straightened his shoulders. 'It is what I like to call my readers. You're my readers. Just accept it, Evans. _Anyway_, after this rude interruption… what I was going to say is this. There is a story named _Forbidden Love_, written by FeetofFire. It's about – you've guessed it – Prongs and Evans again and apparently Lily has got a heritage she is ashamed of.' Sirius smiled. 'Does it sound like fun or what?'

'I have a heritage I'm ashamed of?' Lily sounded surprised.

**Her heart melted as she looked deep into his hazel orbs, like limpid tears. **

'Prongs, you've stolen my epitethon ornans!' Sirius said. 'Those limpid tears are mine, dammit!'

'Maybe your eyes suddenly turned hazel?' said Remus.

Sirius shook his head. 'Nah, this lists Evans and Prongs as the protagonists, it's about Prongs. James, I am not amused by this usage of my epitethon. Feel ashamed of yourself.'

**It was as if she was looking into his soul. **

'That is so clichéd it burns,' Peter said.

**She wished she could be his forever, but doubted James Potter even knew she existed. **

Sirius guffawed, disbelief written all over his face. 'James Potter not knowing Lily Evans exists? That has to be the funniest thing we've read yet!'

'It makes you wonder what their period at Hogwarts looked like,' said Remus. 'Prongs fancying Evans was always a source of entertainment for everyone – where would people get their kicks if he isn't being rejected by Lily?'

'Masturbating, like normal people,' said Peter.

**Even if he did, he would never return her feelings. **

'This is weirder than reading the same thing from your perspective,' Lily said. 'Or maybe this isn't written from my perspective and this is someone else lamenting how much you love me. That seems like the only reasonable explanation.'

**Especially once he found out that she was slytherin-raised. **

'Oh, well, there you go,' said Lily. 'It's not me.'

'Then who is it?' said James. 'Danaë again?'

Sirius shook his head. 'Nah, she would've been mentioned somewhere, I think. Maybe it's Ariana? Or maybe we've encountered a whole new Sue!'

**James Potter was about as anti-slytherin as you could be. **

'Except when my mum is one,' said James. 'And… I'm not anti-Slytherin! There are just a lot of slimy gits in there. I've nothing against the House per se.' He paused for a moment. 'Okay, except during Quidditch. And when they almost win the House Cup. And when they go on about how they're destined for greatness. And every other moment. But other than that, I've nothing against Slytherins.'

**He was as anti-slytherin as her family was pro-pureblood. **

'I thought I'd take this moment to remind the Sue that being from a crapsack family doesn't mean you can't have any cool friends or your own opinions,' said Sirius. 'It is not a legitimate source for angst!'

'Thus making it wangst,' said Remus.

'Exactly!'

**She watched with her emerald green eyes **

'That _is _how people usually describe Lily's eyes in these fics,' said Peter.

Lily snorted. 'Yes, but I am very sure of James's affections, always have been, and my family isn't exactly pro-pureblood, unless I've missed a whole lot of memos.'

'I still think this is you,' said Peter. 'I just have a feeling.'

**as he raised his hand up into the air to answer the question Professor Slughorn just asked. **

'How erotic,' Remus said drily.

**His voice was smooth and warm, like snow on a sunny day... or something. **

Remus's jaw clenched. 'I won't rant – I won't rant -' he chanted to himself. 'I won't rant – DAMMIT, author, you can't just put that "or something" there! It's a story, not a "Choose your own adventure" kind of thing!'

**She never knew what the question was, even when she was called on to answer. **

'And Pete thought this might be Lily,' Sirius said, shaking his head.

**She didn't pay attention in class, but she wasn't failing because her family had so much influence in the Ministry and on the Wizengamot.**

'I dislike her,' said James. 'I guess the author is right and I don't know she exists. And if I did, I wouldn't bother with her. She's smugger than Padfoot after he got his O.W.L. results.'

'That isn't the smuggest I've ever been,' Sirius said.

'No, that must've been after you'd first kissed Mary, but you were _so _smug back then, this girl doesn't even come close to beating it.'

**No, sweet, innocent, studious Lily Evans **

Peter whooped. 'I told you it was Lily!'

'How did you know? Even if I _was _listed as a character, you have to admit that that description was about as non-Lily-ish as can be!' Lily was aghast. 'I don't need my parents to bribe my teachers into giving me good grades!'

Sirius laughed. 'That is what bothers you? The allegation that you might not _really _be the best student in our year?'

Lily crossed her arms in front of her chest. 'Yes, it is.'

**was not who everyone believed her to be. **

'I was so cunning, I'd even deceived myself!'

**Once her secret was discovered, no gryffindor in their right mind would associate with her. **

'Just to annoy Remus and Lily, I'll just mention that thus far, none of the names of the Houses have been capitalized,' Sirius said gleefully.

'What would her secret be?' Peter said.

'It must be my vampire and demon hunting,' said Lily. 'I come from a long line of warriors, bound to protect the innocent, and if someone finds out, they will have to die. It's the only thing I can come up with.'

Sirius eyed her appreciatively. 'You know, Evans, that's going into my novel. If you don't mind?'

'No, just mention me as one of your muses.'

**Once they found out her secret, she would be even more invisible than she is now. **

'Since when has Lily _ever _been invisible?' said Peter.

'I have to be, to keep my identity secret,' said Lily. 'The less people notice me, the less people will wonder how I got those injuries or why I sneak out at night.'

**More invisible than the thestrals roaming on the Hogwarts grounds. More invisible than someone under the universe's most powerful disillusionment charm. **

'Okay, author, we get it,' Remus said. 'You can stop the fragments and the wangst.'

**Even more invisible than death under his invisibility cloak. She was a Malfoy, **

'I'm a _what_?'

'A Malfoy.' Sirius didn't attempt to hide his disgust. 'Old Wizarding Family. They're not really right in the head, if you ask me.'

'How did I ever become a Malfoy? Hello, Muggle-born here!'

'It would explain why you want to hide it,' said Sirius. 'Being associated with them is a real pain – believe me, I know.'

**and no matter how many invisibility cloaks Lily Evans-Malfoy had, **

'That just sounds horrible,' said Lily. 'Evans-Malfoy. Yugh.'

**she could not hide from the pureblood legacy that was her father before her, **

'I repeat: yes, you can! Come on, fanfiction!Lily, show us what you're made of!' said Sirius.

'I rarely seem to do that in fanfiction,' said Lily. 'And frankly, this Lily doesn't really sound like me at all. I haven't got the same friends, I haven't got the same family, I obviously don't have the same mindset when it comes to school and Merlin knows how many other things… '

**and her grandfather before her father, all the way back until her greatest of great grandfathers, Salazar Slytherin himself.**

´Wow. One moment I'm a Muggle-born whose parents work in banking life and health care, the next I'm a descendant of one of Hogwarts's founders. If it weren't so unrealistic, it'd be an interesting twist…´

'You're still a Muggle-born in my story,' said Sirius.

'A Muggle-born who comes from a long line of demon hunters?'

He nodded. 'I'll figure out a way to make that work.'

'It's sad how Sirius's idea sounds more realistic than this,' said James.

**It was bad enough that Lily was best friends with a Slytherin. **

James murmured something under his breath that sounded a lot like, 'Bad indeed.'

'When is this?' said Lily. 'I mean, if I'm still friends with Sev…'

**James Potter and his friends hated Slytherins, **

'That has already been mentioned,' said James.

**especially Lily's best friend Severus Snape. **

'At least the author has _something _right,' said Peter.

'But it doesn't make any sense. I doubt the Malfoys live in Cokeworth, which is where I met Severus. I don't know if we'd be friends if we hadn't met before going to Hogwarts…' Lily's voice trailed off as she thought of the days before Hogwarts. How things had changed; from being Severus's best friend to kissing his worst enemy.

**Soon enough, word would get out that she was a Malfoy too, **

'Is there any particular reason why that would happen?' said Remus. 'The author can tell us this, but so far Lily's been able to fake being a non-Malfoy. Is something going to happen to reveal her "true" identity or is this just wangst?'

'I think we all know the answer to that,' said Peter.

**if there was one thing James and his friends hated more than Slytherins, it might be the Malfoys.**

'Stop wangsting yourself out!' said Sirius. 'Coming from a family of nutjobs isn't enough reason for everybody to hate you! He doesn't hate me, does he? Just act like a man, tell you're a Malfoy and become an awesome person anyway!' He noticed the others giving him funny looks. 'Sorry. It just bothers me when people say they can't do something because of their family. You really want something? You'll find a way. This is just playing the victim and it's pathetic.'

**Lily wasn't exactly proud of her heritage, **

'I don't feel sorry for you,' Sirius spat.

**of her purebloodness. Lily was the exact opposite. **

'Yes, id est, I'm a Muggle-born,' said Lily. 'And I'm not ashamed of that, so I don't see why this author felt it necessary to change it.'

**She was disgraced and embarrassed of her family's barbaric ways. **

'Still not feeling sorry.'

'Sirius, it's obvious this version of Lily has less backbone than a jellyfish,' said Remus. 'You can't expect her to actually act.'

'Yes, I can!' This was Lily, who seemed at least as annoyed as Sirius. 'If she would just get her head out of the sand and realise she _can _do something about it, all this wouldn't be necessary. She could tell James she likes him – or at least talk to him – she could try to make friends, she could _start paying attention in class_, but she makes a conscious decision not to because her life is just so hard. Well, I'm not buying it.'

**This is why she always chose to stay at Hogwarts during breaks. She wished to spend as little time with her family as possible. **

'Okay, I'll give her this,' said Sirius. 'I get how she feels.'

**There was also less of a chance for her true housing to shine through the less time she spent with her fellow Malfoys. **

'"True Housing"?' Sirius said. 'There went my compassion for you. Your true Housing is the House where you're Sorted, not the House you're family have been in! This chick sounds like my mother!'

**Plus, Gryffindor red complimented her eyes and complexion so much better than the Slytherin green. **

'Let's add vanity to the list of things that bug me about her,' said Lily. 'Gryffindor red clashes with your hair, Lily. It looks _absurd_.'

'It looks great,' said James.

'Don't lie, James.'

He shrugged. 'Okay, so sometimes the colours clash a bit, but you can have it.'

**Even though her eyes were the same color as the emerald green quidditch jerseys they wore on game days.**

'So, what, people get Sorted depending on what colours look best on them?' said Peter.

**Lily hoped more than anything that no one would find out who her family was. **

'Repeat, repeat…' James said. 'Sing another tune!'

**Only Sev knew, and she trusted him more than anyone. **

'How wonderful.' James looked sullen.

'James, you're such a wussy.' Lily grinned and leaned up to kiss him. 'It's a story, remember?'

**She felt terrible because she knew Remus's secret, and he didn't know hers. **

'If she doesn't have any friends outside of Snape, how does she know I'm a werewolf?'

'Wangst,' said Sirius. 'The knowledge found its way into her head just so she could feel bad.'

**Of course, if he knew her secret, he wouldn't trust her anymore. **

'Great, this trust she has in me,' said Remus. 'I wouldn't mind.'

'WANGST, Remus! WANGST!'

**What would he think of her? Her family was known for hating muggles, muggleborns, and half-breeds. **

'Like me,' Lily said.

**He'd probably never speak to her again.**

'No, because you'd bury me under a fountain of angst,' said Remus. 'That has nothing to do with your heritage and everything with your internal monologue. Will this ever _end_?'

**But Lily was fairly sure she didn't have to worry about Remus or any of the other Marauders finding out her secret. **

'Apart from the line a couple of paragraphs back where she was convinced it wouldn't be long until we found out,' said Peter.

'Do you need me to shout "wangst" again, Peter?' Sirius said.

**She had gone to great lengths to cover her true identity. She posed as a muggle-born,**

'Why? If my family hates them so much, why would I do this?' Lily said. 'I obviously don't hate them enough to break free completely, so why would I defy them in a pointless way?'

'Lily. Don't make me shout it again.'

She grinned at him. 'Oh, come on, you know you want to.'

'That's true,' he said, grinning back. 'WANGST!'

**dyed her trademark Malfoy blonde hair to a terrible red**

'Stop bashing my hair! Only I can bash my hair,' Lily said, touching her hair. 'Why do all these authors hate it so much?'

'Because they don't know how sexy red hair is,' said James, kissing the top of her head. 'I really think your hair might be the reason I first started fancying you. It's great. Very sexy.'

**(which was now fortunate, as Potters were known for their love of redheads. **

'Once in a while this author baffles us with things that are true,' said Peter. 'And this isn't the first time they mention that love for redheads that Potters seem to have… Think Harry's going to hook up with a redhead?'

'I hope so,' said James.

**And male pregnancies,) **

'Oh, fuck!' James looked at the book. 'No!'

'Second time they mentioned _that _as well,' Sirius said. 'Something you'd like to tell us, Prongs?'

'Yes, I'm pregnant with Lily's child,' said James. 'This Malfoy-Potter child is going to be the heir of Slytherin and open the Chamber of Secrets, which is why Harry was able to find it. Happy?'

**and became a Gryffindor. **

'You can't just _choose _to become a Gryffindor. It's your qualities that make you one,' said Sirius.

**She had only kept her Slytherin green eyes. **

'Oh, yes, they're green because I'm secretly a Slytherin! Of course!'

'Never mind that Malfoys generally have grey eyes,' said Sirius.

'Like limpid tears?' Peter said.

**Nobody could ever suspect her true self, and for that she was truly grateful.**

'This just sounds like I'm a repressed serial killer or lesbian,' Lily said, frowning.

**The only people Lily had to depend on were the teachers and staff of Hogwarts, none of which were trustworthy. **

'Yes they are,' Remus said.

'Moony – wangst.'

'Not screaming it anymore?'

Sirius shrugged. 'Sometimes less is more.'

**She knew she could trust Professor Slughorn, but she wasn't sure about McGonagall and Dumbledore. **

'She doesn't trust _Dumbledore_?' James said. 'If there's anyone you can trust, it's him! He's like the most trustworthy of trustworthy trustees!'

**For some reason, Lily thought that Dumbledore wasn't trustworthy, like he might raise a child just for them to die or something. **

'That is one random thought,' Peter said. 'Why on earth would Dumbledore do something like that? No, Sirius – you don't have to tell me, I already know,' he added, when Sirius opened his mouth.

**McGonagall seemed sneaky, like a cat. Maybe this was because she was an animagus. Time would tell.**

'And that is the end to this weird story that has Lily warped beyond recognition,' said Sirius, who was already looking for another story. 'Interesting how people pretend to write about us, but just end up writing their own characters anyway, huh?'

'I think I understand how she was thinking,' said Remus.

James raised his eyebrows. 'You, being in the head of one of those authors?'

'Yes. I think that this girl _wanted _to write a story where her self-insert ended up with Prongs.'

'God knows why,' Sirius said.

'Exactly. But seeing as Prongs and Lily have that "child is going to save the world so we must date" thing going on, James couldn't just get into a relationship with someone else. So she _said _it was about Lily, when in reality it was about herself.'

'How well you understand those authors,' Peter said. 'It would make you think you'd cut them some slack when they write something that doesn't adhere to your rules of writing…'

'I understand them, that doesn't mean I approve of them.'

'Okay, everybody, I've found another story – by that JK person again,' Sirius said. 'It's called _The Forest Again_, and apparently it's from _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_. Who wants to read that?'


	40. The Forest Again

'_Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows?_' Lily said. 'Are we supposed to know what the Deathly Hallows are?'

'They're three objects made by Death for the three Peverell brothers,' said James. 'To cut a long story short, he gave one a wand that made its owner invincible, one a ring that could bring back the dead, and one an… Invisibility Cloak.' He shrugged and looked at the chair's upholstery. 'It's just a fairy tale, of course.'

'Think Harry's going to have them?' said Sirius. 'How cool would it be if he had the Deathly Hallows? He's already… ' He caught James's eye and changed his course, '… a smart young fellow, though, so he probably won't need them.'

'Does the fairy tale say it's the Peverell family?' said Remus, frowning. 'I don't recall that being mentioned…'

'It isn't. It's just, you know, "rumour has it", that kind of thing,' James said. 'Probably completely unfounded. And the name's died out anyway, so it doesn't really matter.'

Lily groaned. 'Okay, enough information. I want to read about my boy! Can I read?'

'Of course,' said Sirius, handing her the Companion.

**The black stone with its jagged crack running down the centre sat in the two halves of the Snitch. **

'There's a stone in the Snitch?' said Peter.

'Well, it's obviously not just a stone, but the Resurrection Stone,' Sirius said impatiently. 'Hence the title _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_. There won't just be stones in Snitches. Christ, Wormtail.'

**The Resurrection Stone had cracked down the vertical line representing the Elder Wand. The triangle and circle representing the Cloak and the stone were still discernible.**

**And again, Harry understood, without having to think. **

'Harry has the Resurrection Stone,' said James. 'He -' He looked at Sirius. 'I… I didn't think they actually existed, the oth - the Hallows.'

'But if the Ring exists, then surely the others must as well?' Lily said. 'Maybe we should look into that. It would make a fun project, wouldn't it?'

'Evans, you need to find a hobby,' said Sirius. 'And "investigating whether fairy tales have any foundation in truth" is _not _a hobby, it's quite possibly a disease of the mind.'

'Congratulations, Sirius – you have just ensured that I am going to the library after this story, just to see what I can find about the Hallows and the Peverells.' Lily sent him a dazzlingsmile. 'Just to spite you.'

**It did not matter about bringing them back, for he was about to join them. He was not really fetching them: they were fetching him.**

'Wait – if he's going to summon the dead, but actually they're summoning him… Does that mean Harry's about to die?' Peter said. 'Of _all _the things we could read about, we have to witness his suicide?'

'I don't think it's a suicide,' said Remus. 'It doesn't read like one. More like a… a sacrifice.'

**He closed his eyes, and turned the stone over in his hand, three times.**

'Who is he going to bring back?' said Lily. 'Think his grandparents are dead? It's an interesting question… if you could bring _anyone _back from the dead, who would you choose?'

'I… I think we might not like the answer to that,' said Remus. He was getting a nasty feeling of foreboding.

**He knew it had happened, because he heard slight movements around him that suggested frail bodies shifting their footing on the earthy, twig-strewn ground that marked the outer edge of the Forest. **

'The Forest – the Forbidden Forest, you think?' said Sirius.

'I guess so,' said James.

**He opened his eyes and looked around.**

**They were neither ghost nor truly flesh, he could see that. **

'How does that work?' said Lily.

'In the Fairy Tale – _The Tale of the Three Brothers_, in case you still want to research it – it is said that the second brother uses the ring to call back his dead beloved, but that she didn't belong in this world anymore. She can't really get another body, so she has this sort of… ghost-ish thing going on,' said James. 'He killed himself out of grief not much later.'

Lily choked. 'That doesn't bode well for Harry…'

'No, but he already seems to know he's going to die,' said Sirius. 'I… how do we Marauders feature into this? Is one of us going to show up and stop him from killing himself, or…?'

'I think we might be the ones brought back,' said Remus, his face ashen.

**They resembled most closely the Riddle that had escaped from the diary, so long ago, **

'The Riddle? As in, Ariana Riddle?' Peter frowned.

'I… I don't know,' said Sirius.

**and he had been memory made nearly solid. **

'No then, unless Ariana has become a man…'

'Oh, for fuck's sake, Sirius,' Lily snapped. 'Stop interrupting it!'

**Less substantial than living bodies, but much more than ghosts, they moved towards him, and on each face there was the same loving smile.**

**James was exactly the same height as Harry. **

Though it wasn't exactly a surprise, this knowledge still hit James – hard. 'I'm dead?'

'Not the only one,' said Lily, reading ahead.

**He was wearing the clothes in which he had died, and his hair was untidy and ruffled, and his glasses were a little lopsided, like Mr Weasley's.**

'How… How long have I been dead, you think?' said James.

They were all silent, until Remus said, 'A pretty long time, I think. It's not just this, it's… remember the chapter about Snape? He was _so_ happy and excited to see you… I think you might not have been there when Harry grew up. I could be wrong, of course…' He certainly hoped he was wrong.

**Sirius was tall and handsome, and younger by far than Harry had seen him in life. He loped with an easy grace, his hands in his pockets and a grin on his face.**

'I'm grinning? I'm back from the dead and I'm _grinning_? Hello, fanfiction!me, Harry is about to _die_! This is _not _the proper moment for grinning, this is where you use a rueful smile!'

'At least we know Harry really sees you in life,' said Lily. 'Thus far, that's more than we can say of James.'

**Lupin was younger too, and much less shabby, and his hair was thicker and darker. **

'I seem to last longer, too,' said Remus.

'You'd better look after Harry, then,' said James. 'Or I'll come and haunt your house.'

**He looked happy to be back in this familiar place, scene of so many adolescent wanderings.**

'So we are at Hogwarts, then,' said Peter. 'How – how is Harry planning on killing himself? Is he just going to wander into the woods and wait for something to kill him? Won't someone see him?'

**Lily's smile was widest of all. **

'Both his parents are dead, then,' Lily said. Her voice wavered. 'Remus, Sirius, I agree with James – you'd better look _very well _after Harry.'

'Er, Lily, by now we're dead as well,' said Sirius.

'Before that, then!'

**She pushed her long hair back as she drew close to him, and her green eyes, so like his, searched his face hungrily as though she would never be able to look at him enough.**

'**You've been so brave.'**

Lily found her vision was becoming blurry. She hardly knew what the context of this all was, but she wanted to run towards Harry and hug him and tell him everything was going to be okay, there was no need for him to end things like this. After wiping away a tear that had escaped, she continued reading.

**He could not speak. His eyes feasted on her, and he thought that he would like to stand and look at her forever, and that would be enough.**

'I – I don't think I'm around much during his life, either,' Lily said softly.

'Hey, Lily… don't cry. Please don't cry…' James took the book from her and enveloped her in his arms, resting his chin on the top of her head. 'We'll figure things out, okay? And Sirius and Remus and Peter are going to be there to look after him and…'

'We'll just make sure you don't die,' said Sirius. 'Problem solved.'

'Peter isn't there,' said Remus. 'He… either he isn't dead, or Harry doesn't want him there.'

'I hope the first,' said Peter. 'Someone has to look after him when all of you are gone, right?'

'Right,' Lily said. 'Okay. I'll continue.'

'Are you okay?' James said, giving her the book again.

She nodded. 'Yeah, I'm fine.'

'**You are nearly there,' said James. **

'"There"?' said Peter.

'**Very close. We are… so proud of you.'**

'Could someone else read?' Lily choked back another bout of tears. Sirius took the book from her and continued the reading, though his voice wasn't as steady as usual.

'**Does it hurt?'**

**The childish question had fallen from Harry's lips before he could stop it.**

'You don't have to do it,' Lily said. 'Harry, there are other solutions.' Her arms ached for the boy she'd never met. Frustrated, she wiped away another tear.

'**Dying? Not at all,' said Sirius. 'Quicker and easier than falling asleep.'**

'**And he will want it to be quick. He wants it over,' said Lupin.**

'So someone is going to murder him,' said James, his voice oddly calm.

'Seems like it,' said Peter. 'Think it's Voldemort?'

'No. In the story about Teddy it was said Harry had defeated him,' said James.

'Maybe he's going to,' Remus said. 'It could be that he's going to meet Voldemort for a duel and simply thinks he isn't going to survive? It would explain why he'd want us there – moral support for something like that. Then, against all odds, he wins nevertheless…'

'I hope you're right,' Lily said.

'**I didn't want you to die,' Harry said. These words came without his volition. 'Any of you. I'm sorry -'**

**He addressed Lupin more than any of them, beseeching him.**

'**- right after you'd had your son… Remus, I'm sorry - '**

Remus let out a deep breath. 'That… that explains a lot about the story with Teddy,' he said.

'Oh, Remus.' Lily pushed James arm away and moved to sit next to Remus, wrapping her arms around him. 'I'm so sorry for you.'

'Yeah… well…' He awkwardly petted her shoulder. 'At least I'm around for Harry – that's something. And Harry seems to take good care of Teddy… right?'

'**I am sorry too,' said Lupin. 'Sorry I will never know him… **

Lily wasn't the only one with tears streaking down her face now.

**but he will know why I died and I hope he will understand. I was trying to make a world in which he could live a happier life.'**

'And he will,' said Peter. 'Teddy was happy, wasn't he?'

**A chilly breeze that seemed to emanate from the heart of the Forest lifted the hair at Harry's brow. He knew that they would not tell him to go, that it would have to be his decision.**

'**You'll stay with me?'**

'Of course,' Lily said in a voice so small it was barely audible. James reached out and squeezed her hand.

'**Until the very end,' said James.**

'**They won't be able to see you?' asked Harry.**

'**We are part of you,' said Sirius. 'Invisible to anyone else.'**

**Harry looked at his mother. **

'**Stay close to me,' he said quietly.**

'I will,' said Lily. 'I will, Harry.'

**And he set off. The Dementors' chill did not overcome him; **

'What are Dementors doing on Hogwarts grounds?' said Peter.

'Pete – not now,' said Remus, noticing Lily's erratic breathing, James's wet eyes behind his glasses. Looking down, he found his own hands were shaking.

**he passed through it with his companions, and they acted like Patronuses to him, and together they marched through the old trees that grew closely together, their branches tangled, their roots gnarled and twisted underfoot. **

'Better watch your footing,' said Peter jokingly, but he was ignored.

**Harry clutched the Cloak tightly around him in the darkness, travelling deeper and deeper into the Forest, with no idea where exactly Voldemort was, **

'It is Voldemort, then,' said James.

'That's a good thing, right?' Peter said. 'We know Harry's going to defeat him, so… Harry won't die. Yay!'

'It's not just that Harry might die!' Lily got up and glared down at Peter. 'It's not just that. It's that apparently he grew up without his parents, that people who were supposed to be his father figures then are now dead as well, that Remus's child is going to grow up without a father, that Harry is now scared and alone and thinks he's going to die!' She took a deep breath and sat down again, this time on James's lap, clasping his hand. Not looking at Peter, she said, 'Don't pretend everything about this is okay just because some other story suggested he'd survive. This is the future, thus far that JK Rowling woman has been _very _accurate – I think we have a reason to think this might really be so, and that's more than we can say of _Maps_. We don't _know _Harry's going to survive.'

**but sure that he would find him. Beside him, making scarcely a sound, walked James, Sirius, Lupin and Lily, and their presence was his courage, and the reason he was able to keep putting one foot in front of the other.**

'That's where this ends,' said Sirius after a long pause. 'Guess we won't be present during the battle itself…'

'So let's just assume Harry wins, eh?' said Peter.

'Peter?' James said.

'Yes?'

'Are you _trying _to be an insensitive fuckhead, or is it just in your nature?'

Peter looked as if James had slapped him in the face. 'I'm just trying to lighten the mood, is all.'

'Yes, well, it's not working, is it?' Lily said.

'Lily, I didn't mean to upset you - ' Peter said.

'Well, you did!' Lily snapped. Immediately she regretted the words. 'No, Peter, sorry. It's not your fault. It's the story. I might not be completely fine right now. If you don't mind, I think I'm going to my dorm for a moment.' She pecked James on the cheek and left the room.

'It might not happen,' Sirius said, when she was gone. 'So what if Rowling knew about that scene by the lake? It doesn't mean anything. '

'Maybe not…' James said. 'Time will tell, I suppose…'

No one knew what to say, and for a couple of minutes an awkward silence hung in the air. They were all thinking about the same things; how would they die? When? Would Harry survive? If so, would he take care of Teddy? Would Tonks be alive to look after Teddy if Remus was gone?

'On a… different note,' Remus said, when he couldn't handle it anymore, 'That assignment for Transfiguration – shall we work on that?'

James looked disgusted at the thought, but Sirius leaped to his feet. 'Let's. It's about time I did something useful around here. Prongs, you coming?'

James shook his head. 'I think I'm going to check on Lily for a sec.'

Sirius didn't push the matter. 'Wormy?'

'Okay,' Peter said.

Just before they left, Sirius tapped James on the shoulder. 'Just thought I'd let you know: if anything happens to you and Evans, I'll be the best godfather Harry could wish for.' He didn't wait for James's reaction, but instead followed Remus and Peter out of the Portrait Hole.

* * *

**A/n: I always, ALWAYS cry when reading that part. But then, again, I'm usually already crying by then - from Remus's death, Snape's memories, Fred's death... It's always a tearfest, that part of DH. Anyway, my little pumpkins (yes, I'm Sirius in disguise! It's the big reveal!), my summer school starts tomorrow, so updates might come a bit more slowly. **


	41. Who am I?

Lily peeked aside when she heard someone sitting down in the snow next to her. She'd thought it would be James, or maybe Remus, but it was Sirius who was grinning at her from underneath his Gryffindor hat.

'Aren't you cold?' he said by means of greeting.

'A little bit. My toes, mostly.' She waggled her feet. 'It doesn't really bother me.'

'Now, Lily, I understand that whatever deep contemplations that went through your mind were incredibly important, but it wouldn't do to become ill.' He took off his hat and handed it to her.

She put it on her head and pulled it over her ears. 'What makes you think I was having deep contemplations?'

'The look on your face. And the fact that we read a story about how you're not going to live to see your son grow up. And that you're just sitting here watching out over the Lake.' He waited for her to answer; when she didn't, he asked, 'So do you want to talk about it?'

A rush of pity went through Lily. 'Did James put you up to this?'

'What? No!' Sirius looked so surprised Lily believed him. 'I was looking at the Map and you were just sitting here and I thought I'd check on you. Sometimes I do nice things, you know.'

She smiled and leaned against him. 'I just hate the thought of Harry being so alone. I mean, I know you'll look after him, but James and I are his parents. Nothing bad about your godfathering abilities - '

'Good, because they're amazing.'

'Obviously. But they won't be the same as having parents and… I don't know. Apparently you'll be dead as well, and Remus too, and Harry just felt so lonely. I wish he wouldn't have to go through all that.' She glanced up at him, but he wasn't looking at her. Instead, he was staring out over the Lake, much like she had done only five minutes ago.

'I wonder why Peter wasn't there,' he said.

'Those author's don't like him,' said Lily.

'But why don't they? It's not like with Snivellus, where some people are divided about the question. Everybody – and I do mean _everybody_, I even read one about Kreacher – everybody has at least _some _fans, someone to portray them positively. But there is just _no _story about Peter – at least not one that's positive. There are loads of oneshots about Prongs and me, or you and Remus, or just you, and Merlin knows how many times I must've seen "Wolfstar"… but nobody ever bothers with Pete.'

'Maybe he just isn't the kind of person people write about,' she said. 'Do you think there's more to it?'

He nodded grimly. 'I just have no idea what it could be.'

Deciding it was time to lighten the mood, Lily said, 'Maybe he's just not stunningly handsome enough.'

'Yeah, that must be it. Although it doesn't explain why they _do _bother writing about Prongs…'

She smacked him on his chest. 'James is very good looking, I'll have you know. Besides, there are loads of dramatic things you can write about with James, like his struggles with the unexpected pregnancy…'

'… with Moony as a father…'

'… while James was in a relationship with me…'

'… and Moony had a crush on me.'

'Exactly. That's why people write about James. Come on, let's get to the castle before your ears freeze off.'

* * *

'Hey Pads, Lily,' James said when she and Sirius entered through the Portrait Hole not much later, both carrying baguettes, cheese and chocolate.

'Bonsoir, mes amis,' Sirius said, throwing his load on the table and taking his usual seat. 'What have we missed?'

'Remus found a story that seemed both un-depressing and funny,' said Peter. 'He thought we might like it after the… event of this afternoon's chapter.'

'Okay…' Lily said. 'What's it about?'

Remus got the Companion and read, '_Who Am I? After she falls on her head, Lily Evans wakes up – only to find out she lost three years of her memory. Suddenly she has a job, a house – and she's friends with the Marauders? How did this happen? _I thought it didn't sound too bad.'

'It has potential,' Lily said. 'And if it does squick me out: I've got chocolate to console myself.'

'**I don't know what I want to do with my life,' Lily said to Alice **

'Ah, Alice, the girl I've never met but who's my best friend. Nice to see you again – I almost feel as if we know each other,' said Lily. 'And I do know what I want to do with my life. I'm going to work for the _Daily Prophet_. Or maybe at the Ministry.'

**as they walked by the Great Lake. They were in the middle of their O.W.L.s and supposed to be studying for their Defence exam, **

'Shite,' James muttered.

**which would be tomorrow, but they'd both decided their brains needed a moment's rest. **

'A wise decision if Lily ever made one,' said Sirius. 'By the way – I want my hat back. You can steal James's if your head's still co -' He didn't get to finish his sentence, as Lily threw the hat in his face. 'Thank you.'

'**I guess I'd like to make the world a better place, fight Death Eaters. **

'Oh, yes, I'm going to do that as well,' Lily said.

**Or maybe I should design shoes…'**

Lily's eyes twinkled. 'That's brilliant. I should do that! I could bring a whole new look on Magical fashion – it would be wicked!'

'**You could make amazing shoes that double as weapons to kill Death Eaters, making it a logical way of improving the world, because people are both fashionable and morally … right.'**

'This Alice is smart,' Sirius said. 'I mean, there must be a market for that, right? Death Eater killers who want to look fashionable?'

'Well, I've found my dream job, it seems,' Lily said. 'Thank you, fanfiction.'

'**I don't think I'd design good Death-Eater-fighting shoes,' Lily said. **

'I would! I have no idea how to do it, but I can learn!'

James grinned and kissed the top of her head. 'You're adorable when you say that.'

'James, I'm a woman who's serious about my career – don't refer to me as _adorable_.' She scowled at him, but was mollified when he kissed her.

'Ah, young love and all the _gross cheesiness that shouldn't be done in public_,' Sirius said loudly.

**She looked at her own shoes, heels with a five inch heel. **

'I'm going for a walk in heels that high?' Lily was impressed. 'I didn't know I could do that. I'm definitely not going to try.'

'Is it that bad?' Peter asked.

She nodded. 'Believe me, after a walk all you want to do is chop off your feet. Maybe everything below the knee. It _hurts_. Not to mention the instability you have on grounds like grass. You have to really dig your heel into the soil, which isn't good for your shoes.'

**Laughing, she made a pirouette, **

'I frighten myself,' Lily said.

**but her laughter turned to shock when she lost her balance. **

'Oh, never mind – I'm still human, then.'

**As the world – and one nasty looking stone in particular – came closer and closer to her face, she closed her eyes. _This is going to hurt_.**

'Yes. Yes, it would,' Lily said.

'Well, on that note, we start a new part of the chapter,' said Remus. 'I don't know why we needed that first bit…'

'It's obvious, isn't it?' said Lily. 'It's partly to establish the last memory I have – ergo, the moments before I last hit my head _before _the actual accident – it's partly as some sort of irony, where I talk about doing things in the future, and the next moment, it _is _the future, and it's partly so the story can pass the Bechdel Test.'

'The Bechdel test?' Peter said.

'Where you look if a book – or movie, or comic series, or whatever – at a certain point has a scene with two women, who both have names and talk about something other than men,' Lily said. 'You'd be surprised if you know how few books actually pass the test.' She blinked. 'Why do I know all these things?'

'Because the author of the fanfiction you're in wanted to make a statement and used you as her mouthpiece?' Remus joked.

Lily rolled her eyes. 'Remus, one, this isn't a story, this is our real life. Two, even if it was a story, it would be canon, because it's happening to us, isn't it?'

'So – the new part of the chapter,' Sirius said in order to stop the Meta conversation.

'**She's coming to!'**

'**For Merlin's sake, man, give the woman some space! She hit her head pretty hard!'**

'**Peter, stop shouting.'**

**Lily's head hurt. The voices around her confused her. She recognized all of them, but still they were difficult to place. **

'You know you've reached a now emotional lowest point in your life when you have difficulty remembering who we are,' said Sirius.

'Thus far, Pete's the only one of us who's been confirmed,' said Remus.

'And I'm not sure if that's a pity or not,' said James.

**Groaning, she opened her eyes – only to look straight into the face of James Potter. **

'Always a bad way of waking up,' Sirius said.

'You sound as if you have some experience with it, Sirius,' said Lily, raising her eyebrows. 'Want to tell me something?'

'No, he doesn't,' James said. 'He's overreacting.'

'I wasn't overreacting, it was fucking scary!'

'Oh, come _on_, it happened ages ago - '

**It was enough to make her headache even worse.**

'Your internal monologue is rude,' Remus said to Lily.

'No, it just tells the truth,' said Sirius.

'**Ugh. Potter? Go away,' she groaned, pushing him away. **

'How much love there always is between you,' said Peter.

James wrapped his arms around Lily's waist while she squeezed his knee. 'What were you talking about, Wormtail?' James said.

'Nothing.'

'**Lily, sweetheart? Are you okay?' he asked, reaching out to stroke her face. She angrily shoved his arm away, cursing him under her breath when the action made her dizzy. **

'Because obviously that's his fault,' said Remus.

Lily smiled. 'I don't think you understand what my modus operandi has been over the past years. Whenever something went wrong, there was a ninety percent chance that I could blame James for it. So I usually did. It was pretty foolproof.'

'**What happened?' she said, sitting up. To her surprise, she wasn't sitting in her dormitory, or the Gryffindor Common Room; not even in the Hospital Wing. **

'If I'm lying in bed with stalker!James again, I'm going to hit the book,' Lily said. 'Because that scene was seriously unfunny and unromantic.'

**She was lying on a dark red couch, **

'That's better, I suppose.'

**surrounded by the Marauders, Alice and Dorcas. **

'And we have Dorcas Meadowes, my other wonderful friend I keep forgetting,' said Lily. 'No wonder I'm confused, I don't know half the people there!'

**There was something off about them, though. **

'Yes, their faces,' said Lily.

'That's mean!' said Peter.

**Alice looked… older. Her hair – which had been short before Lily'd fallen – was now around her shoulders, and Dorcas had lost a lot of weight **

'Which would mean more if we had any idea what Dorcas looked like when Lily had last seen her,' said Sirius. 'Really, was she fat before and normal now? Or just less fat? Or seriously skinny? Author, what does it _mean_? This is like starting a book saying, "I looked a lot like my mum, but she's prettier" when we have no idea what your mum looks like!'

**and – could it be so? – **

'Yes!' Sirius said.

'No!' said Remus. 'Let it not be so!'

**yes! **

'Told you so, Moony.'

**Dorcas was holding _Remus's _hand! **

'I'm not gay! Or shagging my students! Hurrah!'

**How had that happened?**

'Yes, Remus having a girlfriend? What spells did he _use _on the poor girl?' Sirius tut-tutted at Remus.

'Maybe he just used a love potion,' said Peter.

'Hah! As if Moony could make one of those,' James laughed. 'She'd just die, Pete.'

'That's true.'

'**You don't remember?' said Remus. **

'I don't remember the question,' Peter said.

'"What happened?"' said Lily.

**Lily shook her head. 'No. What are you all doing here? Where _is _here, anyway?'**

'**Lily, you're home,' said James.**

'Now we get to the heartbreaking moment where Lily doesn't remember she loves James, she's forgotten the love they shared, oh, how will his broken heart ever beat again?' said Sirius.

'**I'd laugh, but I don't think my head could take it right now,' she said, glaring at him. 'Whose home? Why am I here and not at Hogwarts? And what on _earth _has Peter done to his hair?!' **

'His hair must be very horrible to be mentioned in this context,' said Lily, looking at Peter.

'Or rather, his hair must be very horrible to be mentioned at all, considering you're used to Prongs,' said Sirius. 'Not to forget that Peter's hair has never been that great, so for it to be noticed that it's even worse…'

**She stared at Peter, who was sporting a curly 'do that made his face look even fatter.**

'_Even _fatter? My face d – I'm chubby, okay? Not fat.'

'**It was an accident,' Peter muttered. 'It'll grow out!' **

'**Why would you be at Hogwarts?' Sirius asked. He and James exchanged worried looks. **

'And now we get to the part where Prongs and I are anguished with worry for your mental health,' said Sirius. 'Hoping things will be okay, praying we can fix you…'

'**Er, because I'm a student there? **

'A very legit reason,' said Lily.

**Because that's where I fell?' She tried not to overdo it on the sarcasm, but she couldn't deny that Sirius was asking for it. **

'And thank you,' Sirius said. 'Do you really do that, Evans?'

'Yes. But sometimes you need it, Padfoot.' She smiled at him.

'Don't think that calling me Padfoot will get you off the hook,' he muttered.

'**And whose house is this?'**

'**Ours,' James said. **

'Oh, yes, the lovely house with Sirius for a pet,' said Remus.

'The lovely house where Lily and I share a bed,' said James pointedly. 'You focus on the wrong details, Moony.'

'**What do you mean you're a student at Hogwarts?'**

'How stupid are you?' Lily said.

**_Oh my God. How stupid is he?_ she wondered. **

'Oh. Well.' Lily was taken aback. 'Sometimes these fanfictions frighten me.'

'Sentences like these make me nervous when reading other stories,' said Remus. 'If this is so true, what does that say about those other things we read? How much truth is there in those stories?'

'None,' said Peter. 'None at all.'

'**Well, I know this might come as a bit of a surprise, but sometimes, people attend school in order to learn things. **

'Heavy with the sarcasm, aren't you?' Sirius said. 'It seems worse than usual – does that always happen after a smack on your head?'

'I don't know, shall we shove you out of the window and find out?' she said. 'No, sorry, that was mean. I don't want to shove you out of the window. Not before I've your hat again.'

**That mak -'**

'**Lily,' he said. 'Not funny. What are you talking about?'**

'I can sense the distress Prongs is radiating in the story,' said Sirius. 'Oh, how will his lady love and he figure this out together? Will their love last?'

'**No, what are _you _talking about?!'**

'Miscommunications between Lily and James? Yes, that sounds realistic,' said Peter.

'**I think I know what's going on,' Remus said. He kneeled by the sofa and said, 'Lily, what date is it?'**

'**The… fifth of July? Fourth, maybe?' she said. 'Why?'**

'**No, the exact date. What year is it?'**

'**1976,' she said. 'I repeat: why?'**

'Lily is impatient, Remus is vague, James is worried… Now all we need is for me to be awesome and Pete to cry and we're all in character!'

**Remus smiled, but he obviously wasn't amused. 'Because I think you might have severe memory loss. It's 1980.'**

'DUN DUN DUN!'

'What was that supposed to be?' James said, completely baffled.

'Dramatic music, Prongs,' said Sirius. 'Wasn't that obvious?'

'But wait – there's more!' said Remus. 'There is an author's note!'

**A/N: A preview for the next chapter! **

'Whoohee!' said Peter. 'There will be more!'

'Peter, shut up,' said Remus.

'**WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M MARRIED TO JAMES POTTER?!'**

They all burst out laughing.

'Oh, imagine the look on Lily's face if someone told her she was going to marry Prongs back when she hated him,' said Sirius. 'I mean, someone apart from Prongs telling her that. I would've paid good money to see that.'

'If the author continues the story, you might be able to read about it,' said Peter.

'I hope so. It would be hilarious.'

'Until then… James, want to go for a walk?' Lily said, getting up from the chair.

'Oh, sure, a "walk",' Sirius said, when James leaped up and followed her out of the Portrait Hole. 'Well, at least they're not doing it in public – or when I'm around. Merlin be blessed for small favours.'

* * *

**A/N: The plot bunny for an actual story like this had been jumping through my head for weeks, but I didn't have the time for it (because I was writing for you, my pumpkins!) so I decided to incorporate it here. Also, your sympathy was heartwarming, but I'm the kind of person who actually likes spending a week of summer translating Euripides and Ovid (and I'm not being sarcastic. The summer school is voluntary). Yes, people like that exist. Anyway, hope you liked the chapter!**


	42. Ariana Riddle VI

**A/N: Just a quick note because I've seen this in some reviews: I won't write about Harry/Ginny. It's the Marauders' Companion, I only write about them. Harry is only mentioned when the Marauders are important in the scene. Also, I don't like Harry/Ginny; it's canon, but I won't write it myself.**

**On. With. ARIANA!**

* * *

'Oh, how overjoyed you two look,' Sirius said, when he, Peter and Remus sat down at dinner next to Lily and James. 'Bathing in your love and happiness like the two brainless idiots you are.'

'Are you trying to tell us something, Pads?' James said.

'Just that you'd better enjoy this little moment of serenity, because after dinner I am going to destroy every calm thought you've ever had.'

'I haven't been calm since I met you and knew what stupidity you were capable of.' James took a bite of his mashed potatoes. 'What are you going to do to make it worse?'

'There's a new chapter of our dearly beloved Ariana.'

This was enough to make James choke. Sirius slapped him on the back, knowing everybody had their moments of distress and Ariana was so horrible she'd make a grown man cry.

'You'll survive,' Sirius said. 'Sure, it might give you nightmares for years to come, but you know you love Ariana.'

'Do I?'

'Yes, Prongs. You do. And so do you, Evans,' Sirius said, when Lily groaned in despair. 'She might be an evil Mary Sue who butchers our characters until there's nothing left but void copies of herself or her enemies, but you love to hate her. I see the look on your face when you yell at her stories – I want to bet Prongs never made you look like that!'

She stared at him. 'Sirius, I've given James the _exact _same look thousands of times. I think you forgot shouting at him was one of my main hobbies over the past years – at times it was even more fun than yelling at Ariana.'

'You enjoyed bashing me more than bashing Ariana?' James said.

She grinned and kissed him. 'Sometimes.'

'I would feel very insulted if I were you, James.' Sirius pointed at him with his fork. 'I'd feel…'

'Right now, I feel hungry the way a cannonball wouldn't,' James said. 'So I'm just going to eat while I can and think of Ariana later, all right?'

Sirius agreed and while they ate, they discussed normal things – pranks to be pulled, homework to be ignored, girls to be chased when they returned from their holidays tomorrow. Sirius told them about the beginning of his novel and before they knew it, they had finished eating and they all knew there was no escaping now. Ariana Riddle called to them, pulled them towards her like a black hole that sucked all their intelligence out of them. That was okay – they were used to it by now.

'Okay. Ariana,' Peter said, flipping to the right page. He and Remus took the couch, hoping to give the subtle sign to Lily and James that they should both have their own chairs and not play the couple in love all the time – but to no avail. They just shared one chair, making the situation even worse.

'Yes. Peter, give us what you've got,' said Remus.

'**Hey, Ariana, do you want to come with us to class?' Sirius asked. **

'Well, that would depend on her timetable rather than if she wanted to, wouldn't it?' Remus said.

'I'm sure she's special enough to have her timetable altered just so she could have classes with Sirius,' said Lily. 'That, or Providence made it unnecessary and made sure she would be around Sirius non stop anyway, just to help the love development.'

'**We could show you around and stuff.'**

'I don't say "and stuff". I'm a literary genius, author – please respect the way I talk,' said Sirius.

'After all she's already killed about you, you worry about your speech?' said Peter. 'I can't wait until we get to a story where you're just brutally murdered in an author's note – see how much you care about your speech _then_.'

'Well, Peter, if you were a more interesting character, you wouldn't _have _to be killed off in the author's notes,' Sirius said. 'It's not my fault all these authors hate you.'

'**Ooh, yes, I'm sure Sirius would love that,' James laughed. '"Show you around."'**

'Is the author writing innuendo?' said Lily. 'Isn't her precious Ariana too pure to be exposed to something as dangerous as teenage boys' dirty thoughts?'

'Yes, she is, but because Sirius is her One True Love, their sex will be pure and probably not before either marriage or a dramatic declaration of love,' Remus said. 'So although James shouldn't be making remarks about something as sublime as their physical love, it is permitted because it still transcends normal humans.'

**Ariana didn't quite catch the double entendre **

'Ah. There we have it. Her faux flaw – naïveté.' Lily pulled up her nose. 'Come on, author, give us something real to work with!'

**his eyebrows so eloquently expressed. **

'I don't think you can use "eloquently" like that, unless James's eyebrows really are talking,' said Sirius. 'Which would be funny to see, sure, but…'

'**If you would do that,' she smiled, pushing a lock of her golden hair behind her ears. **

'We should start a drinking game – a shot every time her beauty or shyness or general Sueness is mentioned,' said Sirius.

'We'd be stone drunk within five minutes,' said Remus.

Sirius shrugged and got out his wand. 'That, my dear Moony, might be the only way for us to reach the end of things.'

'Just don't Summon Firewhiskey,' Lily said. 'I hate Firewhiskey.'

'We'll take it easy – just some wine I know the Elves have lying around. Okay, let's continue until the drinks get here.'

**Her earrings, small rubies with a gold setting, had been her mother's – **

'Does this count as Sueness?' Peter said.

'Seeing as it marks her as both from a rich family, and in the possession of what is supposed to be beautiful jewels… yes, it does,' said Remus. 'Would that be two shots or just one?'

'Two,' James said. 'Definitely two. Oh, there it is.'

Four dark green bottles came in through the window and landed on Sirius's lap. He tapped one of them with his wand to open it, while James conjured five glasses out of thin air.

'Okay, so that's two swallows for all of us,' Sirius said as he poured the wine. 'Cheers!'

**or so she'd been told. **

'Oh, right, she was an orphan, wasn't she?' Peter said. 'Or was that another one?'

'No, Ariana was an orphan,' said Lily.

**They were beautiful **

'And another one! Christ, Moony, I think "five minutes" was giving us too much credit,' said James. '

**and Ariana's most prized possession.**

**When classes were over, **

'Wait, I thought we were at the beginning of classes?' said Peter.

'Time transition is something this author has yet to master,' said Sirius. 'I, on the other hand…'

'Sirius, you can't brag until we've read it,' said Lily.

'Darling, I can _always_ brag.'

**Sirius showed Ariana the school. **

'More specifically, the dungeons and the many torture devices there,' said Peter, glaring at the book.

'Do you _really _want this girl to know where she can find torture devices?' said James.

**James and Remus had tried to go with them, but Sirius had subtly made sure they stayed away **

'How noble I am.' Sirius was obviously impressed by himself. 'Sacrificing myself for your sake.'

'Should we take another drink?' said James. 'This is Sue-ish behaviour, isn't it? Showing off how much Sirius loves her already?'

'Or it might just be showing Sirius is a slut,' said Remus. 'This doesn't get a shot.'

**so he could be with Ariana. He came up with a nickname for her – **

'Filthy canon killer?' said Sirius. 'Annoying, out-of-character warper? Evil Monster of Death and Destruction to good characterization?'

'**Goldilocks', because of her hair – **

'_Really_? I thought she'd be called that because of the size of her toes!' Lily rolled her eyes and refilled her glass. 'This nickname deserves a Sue Shot – already she's so accepted and loved that she has a nickname that only emphasizes her beauty.'

**and if he had been any more obvious in his intentions, **

'Like planning to murder her?'

**even Ariana would have noticed he was flirting with her. **

'Either she's very stupid, or I really am planning on killing her.'

'Also, another shot – now it really is just so we know Sirius adores her,' said Remus.

**But it didn't cross her mind that he might – **

'Ah, like Remus once said: "The only reason he'd be lost in thought is because he's never been there",' Sirius said. 'We know the thought doesn't cross her mind, author, because _no thought _ever crosses her mind. It's _empty!_'

**after all, he was handsome, popular Sirius Black **

'Indeed I am.'

**and she was only Ariana Riddle, the nobody. **

'Sue Shot,' Lily and Remus said at the same time.

'What? Why?' said Peter. 'She just said she's a nobody – wouldn't it be an anti-Sue Shot?'

'Peter, even I can see this one,' said James. 'She's just saying this so the readers will think "Oh no, he adores you!" and it's _obvious _she isn't a nobody to this school, seeing as everybody is always talking about her and trying to wipe her arse.'

'**Seems like Sirius Black has got his new victim,' a blonde fourth-year Gryffindor with the face of a Pekinese muttered to her friend, who had small eyes, glasses and ugly hair.**

'That would make it two Sue Shots, then,' said Sirius. 'One for having completely random characters talk about her, because that's all they do, and one for making it clear that they're not as beautiful as she is.'

'This drinking game was a bad idea,' Lily said.

'**She won't last,' the friend retorted. 'Nobody ever does with him. **

'I'm not a slut!'

**Why would she be any special?'**

'Because she's a Mary Sue with prophetic power and beauty beyond comparison?' said Lily. She noticed already things were taking just a tad longer to register. This drinking game had been a very bad idea.

**The blonde shrugged. **

'Now that – that bugs me,' Remus said. 'I've seen it loads of times in stories. People are suddenly referred to by their hair colour. Yes, we don't know what her name is, but why call her "the blonde"? It doesn't matter to the situation that she's a blonde, it doesn't add any depth or whatever, it just… reminds us again that she's a blonde. It's ugly.'

'**She is very pretty – **

'Shit, another shot,' said Remus.

**even you have to admit that.'**

'And another for having her enemies admit her perfection…'

'Time to open another bottle?' Sirius said, looking around.

'**But pretty enough for Sirius Black's attention? Nobody ever is.'**

'Maybe – just maybe – she has a nice character?' Lily said, taking her time to pronounce 'character'. 'Not all boys just go for looks. Yes, Sirius might _look _like a superficial asshole, but he has a heart of gold.'

'Ah, Lily, I knew you secretly loved me,' Sirius said, grinning.

**That night at dinner, **

'Whow! Time warping going on here!' said Peter. 'Take it easy, author!'

**Ariana sat with the Marauders. She didn't really talk to James, because he **

'– was being saved by his love for Lily,' said James. 'Because let's face it, thus far that's the only thing keeping me normal in there.'

'Our True Love is so strong it can protect you even from the evilest of Sues,' Lily said. 'Where Sporks have failed, our Love will triumph.'

**was too busy staring at Lily Evans, **

'I really _am _being saved by fancying Lily,' James said. 'Wow.'

**who was ignoring him and talking instead to a boy who reminded Ariana much of the man who **

'How many more "who"s are in this sentence?' Remus said.

'Almost done,' said Peter. 'Take it easy, Moony. Have a drink.'

**had raised her when she had been left by the mother who she had never known. **

'Smart mother,' Sirius said.

'Cruel mother, forcing this man to live with the Sue,' Lily said.

'She had to save herself! You can't blame her for wanting a better life, especially after she'd seen what she'd given birth to! Not all of us can make Voldemort-defeating, awesome children,' said Sirius.

**She had fun with Sirius and Remus, though **

'I hope we sporked her,' said Remus. 'That would be fun.'

**(not Peter, he was in the Hospital Wing because someone had tried to kill him). **

'Whatever you say about people hating you, it _is _saving you from being Sued,' said Sirius. 'You're a man to be envied, Wormtail.'

Peter wasn't sure if he agreed, so he decided to take another drink. Alcohol solved a lot of problems when reading fanfiction or when dealing with Sirius, it seemed.

**Sirius and Remus told her about all the pranks they pulled and Ariana came up with a lot of ideas for new pranks they could pull.**

'Using "pranks they pulled" twice in one sentence is ugly and you should feel ugly,' Remus said. 'Also, that's a Sue Shot – see how she's just being included in our pranking, pretending she's always been there?'

'**You're brilliant,' Sirius marvelled.**

'Another one already? Holy pants of Merlin.' Lily took just a small sip.

**She blushed shyly **

'Another one, just because I hate it when they mention how shy she is,' said Remus.

'Remus, don't force me,' said Lily.

'Oh, you can take it,' said Sirius. 'It's just wine.'

**and shrugged. 'Thank you.'**

**They were about to go outside so Sirius could show her the grounds, when Ariana felt very faint in her head. **

'It's the SPORK OF JUSTICE!' Lily cried out.

'Maybe she was right after all.' Sirius subtly grabbed her glass and emptied it in his own. 'She should take it easy.'

'Is no one going to make the "Well, don't hurt yourself when thinking, Ariana" joke?' Peter said. 'It's practically obligatory.'

'That's not a thought hurting her – it's my spork,' Lily said. 'Trust me on this, Peter.'

'**Wait a minute, guys,' she whispered, bringing her delicate hand **

'Shot for all who aren't Lily!'

**to her face. 'I'm not feeling too well…'**

'**Oh, no! **

'Oh yes,' Remus whispered.

'He's quite scary when he does that, isn't he?' Lily said into James's ear.

He nodded. 'Remus has that sometimes. Are you all right?'

'Yeah, I'm fine. Just don't give me any more alcohol for the next five minutes. I'm feeling a bit dizzy and it's _not _from a spork.'

**Ariana! Is there anything I can do for you?' Remus urged. **

'Like I'm her servant!' Remus was outraged. 'Fanfiction!me, listen. There is _nothing_ that will stop the Spork once it has found a Sue to end! Nothing you can do will help her and when she's gone, you'll be normal again! Let it be!'

**But at that moment, Ariana fainted into Sirius's arms. **

'That deserves a Shot for being dramatic,' said James.

'Guys, can I be excused from the drinking too?' said Peter. 'I think I'm going to vomit.'

Sirius rolled his eyes. 'You are pathetic, Wormtail. And – hey, I didn't open the third bottle, did I?' His eyes went to Peter's glass. 'Oh. You're a lot further than we are. In that case you're definitely not excused – you brought this upon yourself. Toughen up.'

**Her eyes closed, but her mouth – **

'That just sounds like she's giving a weird blowjob,' said Peter. 'Is it subtext?'

**it started speaking in a horse voice. **

'"It"? Meaning… Ariana is a thing now?' Remus said. 'Good.'

**Immediately she got everybody's attention; **

'Another shot,' said Sirius. 'Little attention whore.'

**even some of the teachers got up from their table to see what was going on.**

'And another shot. And I'll take that book,' Remus said, noticing how Peter's words were slurring. He read the story up to where they were now and wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. Good thing he was tipsy. 'Okay, guys? The next… the following _thing _is a prophecy. Don't interrupt – I want you to feel the whole impact.'

'**_On the third week of the fourteenth moon_**

_**When the sun and moon will both rule**_

_**Only then, far too soon**_

_**Will there be Chaos at the school.**_

_**Child of Summer, at Hogwarts restored**_

_**Eyes like tears, loved by none and all**_

_**She will meet the Dark Lord**_

_**And he will fall.'**_

Sirius was perplexed. 'Well, I guess we _can _all give birth to people who destroy Voldemort – sorry about that, Evans. I didn't know Ariana was going to steal Harry's spotlight.'

'So, how many Sue Shots is this?' said James. 'One for suddenly having a prophecy, one for being the subject of the prophecy, one for being destined to defeat Voldemort, one for being named "Child of Summer", one for stealing Sirius's epithet…'

'I feel guilty for not drinking at all with this one,' Lily said. She took a small sip from her glass. 'Kurr-ist, that prophecy is horrible. "Eyes like tears, loved by none and all" – oh, that's another shot by the way, saying everybody loves her…'

'Aren't prophecies supposed to be vague?' Peter said. 'This one just said "Well, yeah, Ariana is going to destroy You-Know-Who". It just pretends to be vague with the moon-shite.'

'How funny would it be if it turned out this prophecy was actually about Peter?' said James.

'It says "she", Prongs. I'm not a girl.'

'Well, you're not a man either, so what are you then?'

Peter chose not to answer that, and Remus continued reading.

'**Oh my God!' Sirius exclaimed when Ariana came to. 'I never knew you were a Seer!'**

'Is it a shot?' James said.

'No – let's take it easy,' said Remus. 'Before Peter starts puking.'

'**What… what happened?' she muttered. 'What did I say?'**

'**Ar- Ariana… I think I might know what this means,' whispered Remus. **

'"Great Sporks are coming, Ariana!"' Remus said. '"Beware of their sporky revenge!"'

**His eyes were big with worry. **

'Or joy. I say that depends on character interpretation,' said Sirius. 'My Remus has eyes big with joy.'

'**I – I think this might be a prophecy about Voldemort. **

'Wow, you're bright,' said James. 'How would he know? Could it be from the "Dark Lord" part in there? No, it couldn't be – could it?'

'James, you're rambling,' Lily said.

**And if my calculations are correct… **

'When did I calculate _anything_?!'

'Moony, you don't think you would just aim the Spork, would you? You would be the one to calculate just how you'd have to hit her for maximum impact,' said Sirius.

**that means there's someone who can stop Voldemort.' **

'I thought I was supposed to be the smart one. This doesn't make me smart, it just makes everybody else look outrageously stupid.' Remus frowned. 'Oh, well, we're getting to the last line – beware, everyone, we're going to need to empty a glass after this.'

**He choked. 'And that would be you.'**

'Sue shot,' they all said and emptied their glasses.

'Alcohol does make it more bearable, you were right about that,' Lily said. 'I'm dizzy as hell, but Ariana didn't hurt as much as she used to.' She rested her head against James's chest. 'Are we going to do another story, now the pain is numbed anyway?'

'If you think you can handle that,' said Remus. 'Let's do this!'


	43. Meething his Mother

'This one sounds like it might be fun to read,' said Sirius after stealing the book from Remus. 'It's called _Meeting his mother _and it's about Lily meeting Prongs's parents.'

'We're all very curious about what's going to happen then,' said Remus, filling all glasses with wine again. 'I say we drink every time their True Love is mentioned.'

'And any time Dorea mentions how Lily's not good enough for her darling Jamie,' said Sirius. 'Are we still doing Sue Shots?'

'I doubt they'll be necessary,' said Lily. 'Unless I become a Sue… let's just keep them anyway. Any other moments we're going to have to drink or do you think you might let me get to the end of this night without puking?'

'I think this might be it – we'll see about others once we've started,' said Sirius. 'On we go with the story.'

**The atmosphere in the Potter household was loaded. James was constantly running to and from the door, **

'The little neurotic,' Sirius said.

'I'm not neurotic.'

'Don't worry, we still love you.'

'I'm not neurotic!'

**re-ruffling his hair like there was no tomorrow, **

'That just makes it sound like the worst thing that could happen to him is die with bad hair,' said Peter.

'That would be said, thinking Prongs is going to die with bad hair anyway,' Sirius said.

'My hair isn't bad!'

'Don't worry, we still love you.'

'My hair isn't - '

'Don't worry about your hair, Prongs,' Lily said, ruffling it for him. 'I like your hair. It's far nicer than Sirius's could ever hope to be.'

'Hey!' Sirius exclaimed. 'And no snogging, please. I'm not yet drunk enough to watch that. Also, it deserves a shot, because you're shoving your True Love™ into our faces in real life. That's even _worse _than when you do it in fanfiction.'

**while Sirius leafed through old photo albums to find the most embarrassing pictures to show Lily. **

'Oh, I don't need to find them – I already know exactly which ones I'd show her,' said Sirius. 'And I will show them, when the time is right.'

**Mrs and Mr Potter kept looking out of the window, **

'It's nice that for once my parents are in here and not-dead,' said James.

'Even if they are just as neurotic as you are.' Remus nodded.

**anxious for a sign of their son's first real girlfriend. **

'This gets a Sue Shot,' said Remus.

'WHAT?' Lily said, louder than she'd meant to. 'Sorry. But that doesn't deserve a Sue Shot, they're just curious about me!'

'It's semi-Sueish.'

'Then it deserves a semi-shot.'

And so they all took one. All except for Peter, who had fallen asleep in his too comfy chair, his glass dangling from his hand and dripping wine all over the carpet.

'**So she's coming by Muggle traffic?' said Mr Potter. 'How fascinating…'**

'My father likes Muggle-things,' James said when Lily raised her eyebrows. 'They amaze him. He always said he should've married a Muggle because it would be so interesting. It's why he's so happy you're a Muggleborn.'

'So if I ever go to meet your parents I'll have to explain him all about our Muggleborny ways?' she said.

'Probably, yeah. If you don't mind.'

'**Please don't embarrass me,' James pleaded. 'Please?'**

'How could we _not _embarrass him in a situation like that? It's our duty, Prongs!'

James groaned, but Lily said, 'Oh, don't fret, James. It's not like there's anything they can tell me that ups the things I've seen of you these past few years. Not to mention the past few _days_…' She grinned.

'Now, now, Evans.' James shook his head while placing his hand on her leg. 'Those things aren't to be ashamed of.'

'No. That's true,' she said.

'Shall we give it another True Love™ shot?' said Remus.

'Definitely.'

'Guys, this isn't good for me,' Lily said, after taking a swig.

'Then stop being so lovey-dovey with Prongs! You are doing this to yourself, Lily,' Sirius said. 'We don't _want _you to get drunk, but you're giving us no choice.'

'**Honey, when would we _ever _embarrass you?' his mother asked. **

'I hope that's a rhetoric question,' said James. 'I haven't forgotten the summer of '75…'

**She looked at her reflection in the mirror and touched her hair, trying to give it more volume. Though she was mostly grey, some of her natural red was still visible. Her face, though wise, was still beautiful; **

'Sue-shotting because Prongs's mum is a Sue?' Remus sounded doubtful.

'No, she's just a pretty woman,' said Lily. 'Right?'

'Er… I don't know.' James shrugged and tried to think of his mother in non-motherly terms. It didn't work. 'She's my mum.'

'She's a mumsy person,' said Sirius. 'Not that she's ugly or anything, but… I wouldn't say beautiful. She's just a mum. A great mum – but still a mum.'

**it wasn't hard to see why James's dad had fallen in love with her. **

'It's because of the way she pronounces her "R"s,' James said. 'He told me once.'

'I _think_ the narrative is trying to tell us it's because of her beauty,' said Remus.

'No, it's because of her "R". I am _absolutely _certain about it, Mister Lupin.'

'**She's here,' James said when the bell rang. He gave his hair a last ruffle, looked back at his parents and Sirius, trying to convince them not to be _too _stupid, **

'A hopeless case if ever there has been one, Mister Potter,' Remus said.

'They're Mistering each other already?' Sirius looked from one friend to the other, a scowl on his face. 'That's pathetic, guys.'

'It's just funny, Pads,' said James. 'It's funny.'

'He really means it, doesn't he?' Lily giggled.

**and then went to get the door. And there, on the doorstep, her beauty warming him from within like hot chocolate on a cold day, was Lily Evans.**

'And I'm Sued,' Lily said, taking a sip of the wine. 'Shame. I like the part about my beauty…'

'It's completely true. Like the fire your hair resembled, you awaken a spark in me - ' James started, but Sirius interrupted him by shouting, 'TRUE LOVE ™ SHOT! And another one for your crappy lines – who writes that shit?'

'The new Homer,' James said. 'Believe me, Padfoot, when I say that my lines are written by one of the – one of the greatest… whatever. But my speech writer is great, just trust me on that. GREAT, I tell you.'

'**Hey James,' she smiled, kissing him on his cheek. **

'That doesn't count as - ' Lily started.

'TRUE LOVE ™ SHOT!'

'**I'm not late, am I?'**

'It's not like she's capable of getting late,' said Sirius. 'So no, I doubt it.'

'**No, you're right on time,' said James. 'You're perfect.'**

This time, nobody had to say it. They all just took their cups and drank and when they were finished, Sirius filled their glasses again.

'**Thank you.' She leaned in to kiss him again, but Mr Potter appeared in the hallway at that moment.**

'Cockblocked by your old man,' said Sirius. 'Sounds like something that should happen to Mister Moony. Oh no, I'm mistering? It's because of your snogging!'

'Why would _I _be cockblocked by my dad?' said Remus.

'Never mind, Moony – we are to continue on our journey!'

'**Lily Evans,' he said, holding out his hand. 'How nice to finally meet you. **

'It doesn't count as Sue-ing, it's just common courtesy,' Lily said.

'Fine. If you don't want to get drunk,' Sirius mumbled.

**James has told us so much about you.'**

**Lily froze, knowing not all of that could have been good. **

'Oh, it was,' said Sirius. 'Yes, it was always mixed with "Oh, but she will never love me back, woe is me, angels cry upon my broken soul", but he always adored you, Lily. Always. The way he wouldn't adore an old man's wrinkly feet.'

'The way you would adore and old man's wrinkly hands?' Remus said.

'Exac – no! Mister Moony, that isn't funny!'

**She decided to smile and shook his hand. 'Likewise, Mr Potter.'**

'**Oh, you can call me William,' he informed her. **

'What? Why would she call him William?' said Remus. 'I thought he was named Charlus?'

'He is. I'm confused,' James said. 'Is this a story where I found out my father isn't my real father?'

'No, no, no, Prongs, you completely misunderstand the purpose of this fic.' Sirius placed one hand on James's shoulder and used his other to gesture with his glass of wine. 'You see, Charlus is a born Potter – this means he has all of the Potter abilities. William is just the other father. You know how Potters are known for male pregnancies.'

'Then what's my mum doing there?'

Sirius was silent. He did not know the answer to that question – but he would ponder it deeply in minutes, hours and days to come.

'**Come in, come in.'**

'Where is Peter when you want someone to shout about subtext?' Remus said.

**Lily stepped inside and hung her coat on the hanger. Then she followed James and his father into the living room, where she was immediately hugged by Sirius. **

'Poor me,' Lily said. 'Let fanfiction!me go, fanfiction!Sirius. I'm about to meet the in-laws, I'm nervous enough the way I am, I'm sure.'

'**Hey Padfoot,' she said, shoving him away. 'I missed you too.'**

'I didn't!'

'Yes you did!'

'I'd never!'

'I like their discussions when they're like this,' Remus said. 'So easy to follow…'

'**You've been missed here as well. James's life was void without you,' Sirius said.**

'TRUE LOVE ™ SHOT!'

James waited a moment before answering. 'No, Mister Padfoot, that is you being sarcastic. It doesn't warrant another shot. Even if it were true, it isn't nec - necesir – necessarily – Merlin, I hate that word – it isn't n – a sign of our true love.'

**Lily laughed, and then she looked at James's mum. Her heart started drumming faster as she took in the woman's beauty, poise, grace – **

'Is she describing my mum like that?' James said.

'Dorea's hidden, sexy side?' said Sirius.

'Don't frighten me. I'm not drunk enough for that.'

'Maybe I'm just intimidated,' Lily mumbled. 'That could be it, right?'

**it was unbelievable. **

'See? Intimidated. Very much so. I can see it. In the text.'

'And she says I start rambling…' James grinned and kissed her, leading Sirius to announce another True Love ™ Shot.

**_She _was unbelievable. **

'I almost start feeling lesbian vibes here,' Sirius said.

James hit him on his head. 'You are a horrible, horrible person and should die in a fire while people get lesbian-y vibes from your mother. Don't _ever _suggest something like that again. My mum's with my dad and they're happy together.'

'Then what's William doing in the picture, Prongs?' said Sirius. 'Can't answer that, can you?!'

'Neither can you!'

'He's not shagging my dad!'

'That's what you think!'

'You think yourself!'

'Wow, you're right,' Lily said to Remus. 'Sirius _is _funny like this… Anyway.' She hit both Sirius and James on the head. 'Attention back to the story, everybody?'

**How could any woman look like that? **

'Just how scary is your mum?' Lily said.

'Not at all. Except when she gets angry. Or when she tries to bake, for some reason…' James stared off in the distance. 'It might be because flour makes her look like an evil bird… My mum has bird-like features, you know. Flour makes it worse. That's why she looks bad when baking.'

**Was she a goddess or a mortal? **

'Not just lesbian-y _vibes_,' Sirius said. 'Maybe I finally get my lesbian porn?'

James threw the last remainder of his wine on Sirius. 'With my mum and girlfriend?!'

'Okay, so maybe not. Damn, Prongs, that's a waste of good wine!'

**And if she was a goddess, she reminded Lily most of Artemis – **

'Wow – wait. What? _What _just happened?' Sirius looked at Remus. 'What is the _Odyssey _doing in here?'

'The _Odyssey_?' Remus said. 'I don't know. Where do you see it?'

'That part, right there! It's from when Odysseus is talking to Nausikaä! How did it get into a – OH MY GOD LILY IS FANCYING YOUR MUM!'

This woke up Peter, who blinked rapidly. 'Who fancies your mum?'

'You do,' James said. 'Finally awake, Peter?'

**her playful air, her length, her beautiful curves.**

'Why am I shagging Prongs's mum?' Peter said. 'Since when has she got beautiful curves? Is this why everybody hates me – because I broke up their marriage? What happened?'

**Lily's knees buckled underneath her. James caught her as she fell against him.**

'Is this a True Love™ shot?' Sirius said. 'Or does it not count anymore now that Lily has got the hots for Dorea?'

'I don't fancy his mum,' Lily said. 'So yes, it counts as a True Love™ Shot.'

'**Lily? Lily, are you okay?' he asked.**

'Does this line get a shot, too?'

**She nodded, feeling faint in the head. **

'From fear,' Lily said, when Sirius started grinning.

'You say it's from fear, I say it's from desire, and let the story tell us who is right.'

'**Yeah, I – I think I forgot to breathe.' **

Lily was so shocked she dropped her glass. 'I forgot to _breathe_? How stupid am I in that story? Forget lesbian vibes – I'm obviously not mentally stable! How can _anyone _forget to _breathe_?!'

**But now she remembered breathing. **

'Isn't that nice,' Lily said. 'It's sad when "breathing" is important enough to be mentioned in a narrative. It's a clear sign not enough is going on.'

'Miss Evans, there's a lot going on, and it's happening in your pants,' said Sirius. 'You want to jump Dorea's bones, just admit it.'

'Never!'

'So… Lily is going to shag Dorea?' said Peter. 'Not me?'

'No, Peter, not you,' said Remus.

**She was aware of her body in ways she never had been before. James's mother – she was perfect. **

James opened his mouth and closed it again without saying anything. He repeated this several times while that sentence was processed. 'I need more drink. I need _way _more drink.'

'Never had I thought I'd read this,' said Sirius, as he filled James's glass to the brim. 'It would explain why Evans always turned you down, Mister Prongs. She's actually hot for the girls.'

'This is just a fanfiction,' Lily said. 'If I'm a lesbian, you and Remus are gay.'

'Yes, with each other,' said Sirius. 'You're lusting after James's _mum_. That's far worse.'

'**Lily,' James's mother said in her husky voice. 'How… how wonderful to see you.'**

'And she likes you back!'

'Well, at least one of the in-laws will like me,' Lily said, after taking some of James's wine. 'That's a good start, right? Awkward, what with the unexpected sexual tension, but…'

**Lily nodded. 'It is wonderful to see you, too.'**

**They shared a look – a moment – a love. **

'Wow – that escalated quickly,' said Remus. 'Lily moves fast! Even Mister Padfoot and I never fell in love that quickly in any of the stories.'

'Just imagine,' Lily said, a dreamy expression on her face, 'if I did, for some reason, have a relationship with James's mum – Dorea – I would be his stepmother. He'd be my stepchild. I could _ground _him. Wouldn't that be _brilliant_?'

'More wine, Prongs?' Sirius said.

**One moment Lily was leaning against James, the next she was kissing his mother, wrapping her arms around the woman's waist\**

'I can't do this. There isn't enough alcohol in the world to make me survive that,' said James. 'How – _why _do people ship that? In what context could it be a good idea? And shouldn't Lily and I have our True Love and everything?'

'I think it's sweet,' said Sirius. 'After years of denial, both your mum and Lily realize they've been going after the wrong sex for years. Or maybe you Potter men just put women off men for the rest of their lives. Both sound equally likely, if you ask me.'

'You don't put me off men,' Lily said. She put her arms around James's neck and pulled him close for a kiss. 'In fact, you make me like men a lot.'

'Oh no, drunk snogging,' Sirius said, taking the Companion and getting up. He felt a bit dizzy when he stood, but after a second of closing his eyes he was fine again. 'So will the normal people go to their beds while James and Lily try to make babies?'

'Let's,' Peter said. 'Beds sound good.'

'Indeed they do. G'night,' said Remus to Lily and James, before he, Sirius and Peter took off.

* * *

**A/N: People wanted femslash? Well, there you go! Also, sorry for the random Homer in there; it's the summer school getting to me. After translating Bubblegum Latin (it's my new favourite expression, so it might pop up in here as well), I needed some hard epics and what's a better place for random Homer than a Lily/Dorea fic with random Twilight bashing? Exactly!**


	44. Sirius Black: A Novel I

'There you are.' Relief crossed Sirius's features when Remus entered the Common Room. He looked peaky, but none of the Marauders was looking their best today. A hangover formed by alcohol and badfic turned out to have an unsexying effect on them.

'Here I am,' Remus said, taking a seat. 'Have you missed me?'

'There was no end to my loneliness. Oh, how void my life was without you, Moony.'

'Darlings, it's too early in the morning for your UST, great as it might be that you two have finally found each other,' said Lily. 'Remus, we have been waiting for you.'

'That sounds ominous…'

'It is.' James was the only one who looked excited, despite the dark circles under his eyes. 'Sirius is going to let us read from his novel.'

Remus paled. 'Oh, God.'

'Hey! It's quite good, if I may say so myself.' Sirius pulled out a thin book and lovingly stroked the leather bindings. 'In here is my baby – my _baby_, Remus. Yes, we've come across some seriously shitty writings these past few weeks, but I feel that my story, my fanfiction, will shed a new light upon the whole experience of writing fanfiction. I think… I think I might've written canon, Moony.'

'Oh, God.'

Sirius smacked him on the head with the book. 'Sod off.'

'I thought you wanted me here?'

'I don't anymore.'

'Remus will be nice,' Peter said. 'He really wanted your advice on it.'

'I feel flattered,' said Remus.

'Don't. I don't want your advice anymore. You can go wank somewhere.'

Remus rolled his eyes. 'I'll be nice when reading it.'

'Fine then.' Sirius opened the book and said, 'Okay, so the opening quote is our Marauder motto - '

'We have a motto?' said Peter. 'Since when?'

'Since I wrote a novel about us,' said Sirius impatiently. 'So, our motto is "Video meliora proboque, deteriora sequor" – which, for those of you uneducated enough not to know Latin…' He looked at Peter, 'means: "I see the better things and I approve of them, but I follow the worse." I thought it was appropriate for our attitude and all that.'

'Very literary,' said Lily.

'Well, it's my novel – it's going to win literary prizes, so I thought I'd best start off well by quoting bubblegum Latin.' Sirius shrugged in fake modesty. 'Okay, so then there's the "thanks" part, which I haven't written yet and might not write at all, then there's the part where I summon the Muses…'

'Why are you summoning the Muses?' said Peter.

'Because I can hardly write an epic without asking the Muses for guidance first, can I? No, Peter, I can't. So, after all those things, you get the first chapter. And… oh, I can't read.' He averted his eyes and tossed the book at Lily. 'Evans, you do it!'

'You were just throwing your baby around,' said Lily. 'That can't be good for her – him? Her?'

'Her. It's a girl,' said Sirius.

'Has she got a name?' said James.

Sirius nodded. 'The working title is _Sirius Black: A Novel_, but seeing as I'm going to write from other people's perspective as well… What would you say of _Everything's just wonderful_? It would be ironic, because everything's shit and we know it, but we keep lying to ourselves, to each other, to give each other strength…'

'Let's… let's read a bit first, and then see what might be a good title,' said Remus.

**In the smoky, dimly-lit cafe, the sounds of the band tuning their instruments are drowned out by a group of drunk Irish lads, singing – I am using this word very loosely, since it is closer to shouting – a song about a wizard who went out to war. **

'You're writing in present tense?' said Remus.

'Not every part – just the parts written from my perspective, and Lily's,' said Sirius. 'Because they're very action filled, they're very much in the here and now, and it gives some ambiguity on whether we make the end of the story or not. Whereas your parts will be written in past tense, with a lot of plot-relevant information you're pondering…'

'You're going to write from my perspective?'

Sirius nodded. 'From yours, mine, Prongs's – everyone's, really.'

'Okay. We'll see how that works out… present tense, though.' Remus nodded, impressed. 'That's difficult to pull off; good luck with that.'

**One of my mates, going by the unfortunate name of Remus Lupin, **

'My name isn't unfortunate!'

Sirius scoffed. 'Oh, come _on_, Remus! You're named _Remus Lupin_ and you're a _werewolf_. That's about as unfortunate as you can get. People wouldn't even believe it if I said you were a werewolf, because they'd just think, "Nah, he's just messing with the names to make us _think _so". You really being a werewolf after all is going to be a twist! It'll be the big, pink elephant!'

'All I can say to that is this,' said James. '_Sirius. Black. Unfortunate. Name._'

**is standing not too far off and seemed on the verge of killing himself. **

'What a happy character introduction I have,' said Remus. 'Are you trying to tell me something, Padfoot?'

'You have reasons for being suicidal. Just continue.'

**Peter Pettigrew – another friend and the reason I'm here tonight – stood by the side of the stage, **

'I'm alive! Always a nice change!'

'Well, yes, but you shouldn't forget that later on in the story you turn out to be a Death Eater. Don't laugh yet, Pete. At this very moment… no.' Sirius grinned and shook his head. 'Never mind – that would be telling.'

**an adoring look on his face. **

'Is my girlfriend on the stage?' said Peter.

'Wormtail, you look at _us _with an adoring look on your face,' said James. 'You look at Lily with that expression – hell, you even look at _Flitwick_ like that. That doesn't mean people fancy you back.'

'This is fiction,' said Peter. 'I could have a gi – hey! I've had a girlfriend! It's not -' He closed his mouth and bit on the inside of his cheek when he noticed people weren't listening to him.

**For it has happened that Peter has come across a band named _Never Feeling Shabby _**

'That's a shitty name. Just thought I'd mention it,' said James. 'You're welcome.'

'It's a shitty band,' said Sirius. 'So it's appropriate.'

'Oh no, is Peter in a band?' said Remus. 'Please say it isn't so…'

**and has fallen in love with their lead singer. **

'Phew. Had me scared there for a moment, Pads.'

**She has yet to notice him, **

'Of course,' Peter muttered.

**but until then he drags us to their every gig. It is painful enough to drive any man crazy and the fact that James Potter hasn't come tonight, **

'What? I'm not there?'

**claiming he and Lily had some 'business to sort through', **

James raised his eyebrows. 'Is that a euphemism for shagging?'

Shaking his head, Sirius said, 'You're not together yet. I'm going to do the same as those other authors and drag out the moment until you get together. Now you're both just patrolling with _heavy _UST, when suddenly you're attacked by a vampire.'

'Which, as a vampire killer…' Lily said.

'… you will kill. Exactly.'

**only made it worse. **

'And you said life without Remus was hard. Look at that! Sirius's life is useless without me, he wrote it himself.'

Lily groaned. 'James, it's too early for your smugness. Keep it down, okay?'

**It is a new low point in my life **

'Lower than that time your mother walked in on you wanking?' said James.

'Er – yes.'

'Lower than the time that guy thought you were a girl and started flirting with you?' said Remus.

'… yes…'

'Lower than the time -' Peter started.

'YES! It was a new low point, okay? It's fiction! Just let it be!'

**made only worse when I spot someone who was a Death Eater hiding between the souls unfortunate enough to listen to _Never Feeling Shabby._**

'I don't think you should phrase it like that,' said Remus. '"someone who was a Death Eater" – just go for "a Death Eater". It's shorter, simpler, doesn't feel like padding…'

Sirius nodded and scribbled it down. 'Got it. Any other suggestions?'

'We haven't got to dialogue tags yet… Maybe you should tone down the purple prose a bit,' said Remus. 'Though it's… it's not all that bad, actually.'

**With his greasy, dark hair and hooked nose, Severus Snape **

'Did you have to, Sirius?' said Lily.

'Yes. You know it's true, Evans. He's the _perfect _antagonist for my story.'

**certainly looks the part of an evil wizard. **

'And you can't deny that's true.'

She couldn't. 'Still… couldn't you just make up someone?'

'When I have such a perfect example just lying around? No! Although I might change his name in the final version – what with copyright and whatever.'

**And if his general air of evilness isn't convincing enough, the ability to listen to this music without wincing is. **

Remus smirked. 'How bad is the music?'

'Imagine Prongs underneath the shower, maybe with a hint of Peter that time he hit his own thumb with a hammer… Then you've got what I imagined for this band.'

**Peter's new girl could be a follower of Voldemort and make the Cruciatus Curse unnecessary. **

'Is this subtle foreshadowing?' said Lily.

'I tried. Is it subtle enough? I thought she might pull Peter into evilness,' said Sirius. 'He likes her, she realizes he's friends with us, so she starts pretending to like him, manipulating him until he's in too deep… It explains why Snivelly's there, you see.'

'Wow. You really thought about this, didn't you?' said James.

'You don't write literary masterpieces by just writing some shitty romance with sparkly people,' said Sirius. 'My characters have deep motives for the things they do, Prongs.'

'I think my demise is romantic,' said Peter. 'I mean, I'd still prefer it if I didn't become evil, but doing it all out of love, misguided though it is…'

**I reach for my wand, but don't pull it out. **

'That's not the Padfoot we know and love – where are the rash actions?' said James.

'He's Suing himself,' said Lily. 'If that becomes too bad, Sirius, _I'm _gong to be your editor, and I _won't _be nice.'

'Note to self: Don't Sueify,' said Sirius. 'Got it. Luckily I've got you to keep me on the right track.'

**Making myself noticeable when I'm not supposed to be in Hogsmeade might not be the best idea, **

'But when have you _ever _done what's right?' said James.

'Can't you just be happy that for once in my life I listen to reason?'

**certainly not now that I've entered the Triwizard Tournament.**

'My Sue Senses are tingling,' said Lily. 'If you don't watch out, I'll get a Spork.'

'I'm less Sui-ish after this, I promise,' said Sirius. 'But the Triwizard Tournament is important to the plot _and_ I have loads of difficulty with it, because I'm a relatable character and all that. I'm just more awesome than the average Hogwarts student.'

'**Padfoot.' In that scary way he has, Remus has appeared beside me without me noticing. He glances down at my wand and gives me a look that could rival Minerva McGonagall's. **

'So first you make fun of my name, then you imply I'm suicidal, and now I'm an uptight prick?' said Remus. 'Padfoot!'

'You'll get better! Remember, you're going to shag Siobhan,' said Sirius. 'And it won't be your translating skills that make her like you, if you get what I mean.'

'**You're going underneath the Cloak next time.'**

'Sweet how you think he'll listen to you,' said James. 'Don't you know better by now, Moony?'

'**I'll be fine,' I say, waving his words away. **

'Perfectly in-character, then,' said Remus.

'Well, I did write it, remember?'

'That doesn't necessarily mean you'll be in-character,' said Lily. 'I've read loads of stories where the author outright _says_ "I'm sending myself to Hogwarts to have fun with the Marauders!" and have herself be the _biggest _Sue you can only hope she isn't in real life. Sirius being a douche here is in-character and that's good, because it's not all positive what he's doing.'

'I am wondering… when are you telling us about your eyes like limpid tears?' said Peter.

'Yes, aren't they your epitethon?' said James.

'No limpid tears are getting into my novel,' said Sirius. 'So don't hold your breath.'

'**You worry too much. Think Pete's almost done gazing upon her immortal beauty?'**

'And making fun of Wormtail… You're good, Pads…'

'You make fun of – wait, stupid question.' Peter glared at James, but he didn't notice. No one ever did.

'**He just said, "Isn't she beautiful? I could look at her all night" – so I guess not.' Remus sighs and looks at his empty Butterbeer. **

'And now I'm an alcoholic. Have I offended you somehow, Sirius?'

Sirius gave him a sincere look and placed his hand on Remus's shoulder. 'Moony. James singing in the shower. Except non-stop.'

'Okay, that makes the drinking logical, I'll give you that.'

'**Maybe we should drag him away. Sometimes violence _is _the answer,' I say. **

**Remus looks as if he's about to disagree, but then Peter's girl hits a particularly false note and determination settles on his face. **

'I'm not sure about that sentence,' said Remus. 'It sounds… I know what you're trying to convey with it, but it doesn't work.'

'You think so? I thought it was quite… literary… no?'

'I think it can stay there,' said Lily. 'Or at least, I wouldn't know what to use to replace it. "Determination marked his features"? Or maybe "His face set in grim determination"?'

'"A look of determination crossed his face"?' said Peter.

'"His eyes flashed with determination"?' James looked proud of himself.

Sirius wrote all their suggestions down and reread them. 'I'll think about it. At least I've got some alternatives now… Did you know "Determination" becomes a very strange word when you hear it too often? Determination. _Determination_. I hardly remember what it means now.'

**Guess this music truly is life-altering and inspiring.**

'Don't write it like that,' said Remus. 'Always, _always _have a subject in your sentence. So that would be "I guess". Otherwise it's like a fragment, only _worse_. You don't want fragments, Sirius.'

**We move towards Peter. **

'- for surprise buttsex!' said James. 'Am I right or am I right?'

'You're disgusting, what about that?' said Sirius. 'Honestly, Prongs. Go snog Lily or something. Just don't talk.'

**Just as Remus lays his hand on Peter's arm, **

'… subtext?' Peter said in a small voice.

Sirius blinked. 'It's not _supposed _to be there. I'm shipping Remus with Siobhan – but maybe… yeah… I guess I could put in some Moony/Wormy subtext…'

'Thanks a lot, Peter,' said Remus.

**the singer has finished her song and, after a bow, jumps off the stage. **

'This is where she starts flirting with Remus, but thinks he's gay. I'm going to play that angle very clearly,' said Sirius. 'Especially now that I know of the Remus/Peter subtext. And then it's going to be a big shocker when Remus turns out to be in love with Siobhan!'

'You've read too much fanfiction,' said Lily.

'_I _think it's a gripping plot,' said Sirius.

'Good for you, Pads.' James yawned and stretched. He checked his watch; it was about one in the afternoon. 'Ah. I think it's about time we headed down for breakfast. We'll read more later. Can't wait to read about how you portray Lily… or me…'

* * *

**A/N: So, the first part of Sirius's novel! I had no idea where to start this, but then I stumbled across an old original fiction I'd once written and I liked the first sentence so much I recycled it. Also, in response to some reviews I got: I'm the sick brain that wrote _Meeting his mother_. I don't know if anyone else ships Lily/Dorea - but this is the internet. Surely somewhere... there must be a real fic about that?**

**Right?**


	45. Peter's Revenge

'Time for another chapter, before the other students get back and we have to move back to the dormitory,' said James, taking his usual place in the Common Room. 'Sirius, can we read more of your novel?'

'No, I still want to edit some things before I let you read the rest. I think you underestimate how much time and effort goes into writing a novel like that. I forgive your ignorance, naturally, for how could you know any better?'

'Is he constantly going to talk like that now?' said Peter to Remus.

'Seems like it. At least he hasn't starting randomly quoting Shakespeare,' said Remus.

'Don't give me any ideas, Moony.'

'Well, if Sirius's masterpiece isn't an option…' Lily checked the Companion. To her disappointment, there were no new Ariana Riddles, nor was there a new chapter for _Who am I?_ What she did see was a story about Peter and Dumbledore. 'We have a story with Peter as a protagonist!'

'Really?' said Peter. 'An actual story about me?'

'Who'd have known, something _is _worth mentioning about you! Let us all rejoice,' said Sirius. 'It's not that big a deal, Peter. There are loads of stories about me in there and you don't see _me _getting excited, do you?'

'Sirius, be nice,' said Lily. 'Or I'll Spork your novel. So, this story! It's called _Peter's Revenge_. The summary is as follows.' She cleared her throat and read, '_Rated M for subject matter. AU - or is it? Heavy Dumbles-bashing, abuse. Don't like, don't read._ Well, that told us absolutely nothing.'

'Dumbles-bashing?' said James. 'Has that got anything to do with Dumbledore?'

'I don't know,' said Remus. 'Maybe. I'm more worried about how it might be AU and might not be. Something happened in canon – or the real world, anyway – or it didn't. You can't just optionally Alternate Universe it – can you?'

'Maybe it's just a very loose interpretation of some events,' said Lily.

'Why does the one story with me in it have to have abuse in it?' Peter looked like a small boy who'd just been robbed of his candy. 'Why can't I just have a nice story where I meet a blonde girl and have lots of babies?'

'Don't dismiss it just yet,' said Lily. 'Who knows what might be here. Okay, so, are you ready?'

'I love it when she says that,' James whispered to Sirius. 'Always means good things are coming.'

Sirius bit his tongue to stop a comment about things coming, fearing Lily's reaction if she heard.

**Peter marched through the woods, having finally got away from Sirius. **

'The tone makes it sound like being around me isn't the most amazing experience anyone could ever hope to have,' said Sirius. 'Thus far I am not impressed by fanfiction!you, Wormtail.'

**It was dusk, and the trees were becoming ghostly, their autumn colours graying to the charcoal and silver of night. **

'See, Peter? The story's written by someone who can actually write,' said Lily. 'That gives good hope for the rest of the story, doesn't it?'

**Peter paid his surroundings no heed.**

'Except that this is where she kind of slips,' said Remus. 'Assuming she's writing from Peter's perspective, if he doesn't notice his surroundings, neither should the narrative. But maybe it's just an omniscient narrator…'

**Instead, his thoughts were on why he was about to betray his oldest friends. **

'Excuse me?' said James.

'That's what it says,' said Lily. 'I'm not saying anything about the amount of truth it has – it just says that Peter is… being a dick.' She nervously pushed a lock of hair behind her ear. 'I'm sure things will be explained, okay? Let's not jump to conclusions.'

'I don't _jump _to conclusions. I just take a tiny step and there they are!'

'Then stand still!'

**_Friends?_ He snorted at the thought **

'How else were you planning on calling us?' said Sirius. 'Minions?'

'It's just fanfiction!' said Peter. 'You don't have to be that offended. Not sure if you've forgotten the many parts where you or Remus just casually mention you're better off with me dead! I'm not all that bad here!'

**as he kicked through a pile of leaves. _Deluded fools. Pawns!_ **

'I'm not a _pawn_,' said Sirius. 'I'd be the chess player, even though I hate chess and have better things to do.'

**Peter was no pawn, or rather, he had reached the end of the chessboard and finally had become an important piece in play. **

'So he had been a pawn before?' said James. 'When Sirius is playing chess? That must suck.'

'No, Pete's friends were pawns still,' said Remus. 'So someone else is masterminding the whole thing.'

'Like Dumbledore?' said Lily. 'He is named as the other protagonist…'

**Dumbledore would be checked at last.**

'Which raises the question: why would Peter want to defeat Dumbledore?' said James. 'He's on our side.'

'Maybe Peter has beautiful hands as well.' Remus laughed as horror appeared on Sirius and Peter's faces. 'And maybe instead of offering Wormtail a seat in his plans for world domination, Dumbledore's really a dirty old man!'

'That would be revolting,' said Sirius. 'That's so messed up it's not going into my novel.'

**_Dumbledore is too arrogant to know it, of course_. **

'What is that supposed to mean?' said Lily.

**A slight sneer crossed Peter's face without his knowledge, and his hand gently touched the top of his head equally unconsciously. There was no longer a bump to feel, but Peter's life had completely changed because an ordinary-seeming bump had once been there.**

'Cue dramatic music and – hopefully – some explanations,' said Sirius. 'A bump on Pete's head? Really?'

**Peter had gotten **

Remus flinched at the verb conjugation.

**the bump during a long monologue from Dumbledore in the Headmaster's office.**

'How did that happen?' said Peter. 'Dumbledore was talking so loudly I fell over?'

**'Tutoring sessions' were quite important to the old coot for a variety of reasons. **

'Okay, those apostrophes around "tutoring sessions" really just make it sound like Dumbledore _is _a dirty old man harassing his students,' said Remus. 'That's _not _what you want to convey, author. It's just… gross. And the mental images are revolting.'

**Firstly, the office itself was a suitably magnificent setting for the World's Greatest Wizard. **

'It's capitalized, the "World's Greatest Wizard". I'm almost expecting it to be trademarked as well,' said Lily. 'But alas, it isn't so.'

**Brilliant light shone through the tall Gothic windows onto the dark polished floor, the carved and gilded cabinets, and the many shiny mechanical gizmos of Dumbledore's collection. **

'And that suits Dumbledore because Dumbledore likes shiny things?' said Sirius. 'What isthe point this author is trying to make?'

**Each device was actually the transformed body of someone who had proved inconvenient to the Dark Lord, **

'Okay, that is seriously creepy,' said James. 'Dumbledore's things used to be people? What did Voldemort _do _to them? Did he just turn them into… whatever it is Dumbledore has in his office? Think they still _know _they're there? If so, are they just trapped like that for all eternity? That must be horrible…'

'Forget that – why has he got them in the first place?' said Remus. 'Did he break into Voldemort's lair and steal them, is he trying to restore those people back to their bodies… what? What are they _doing _in his office?'

'Being shiny,' said Sirius.

**that is to say, Dumbledore himself.**

'… Doesn't that mean Dumbledore is the Dark Lord?' said Peter. 'What? When did that happen?'

'Is this enough to disregard everything else this fic is going to tell us?' said James. 'Dumbledore being the Dark Lord? I suppose that Alternate Universe not _was _correct, then.'

'Good. For a moment there, I thought Pete might betray us.' Though his tone was light-hearted, Sirius's gaze was fixed on Peter and he wasn't smiling. He hadn't forgotten the _Which Marauder are you?_ quiz, nor all the other hints the fanfiction authors had so liberally bestowed on them.

**This leads to the second reason for 'tutoring.' **

'_Stop with the apostrophes!_' Lily said. 'They make everything so much creepier!'

**The old coot had to boast; **

'Even the Dumbledore in _Take my hand and never let go _was closer to our Albus,' said Sirius. 'And I hated that story.'

**he simply could not bear to withhold his genius from lesser mortals. **

'No, author, that's _Sirius _you're talking about,' said Remus.

**He loved to shock his students with the truth: **

'In reality, he didn't like Lemon Drops – Dumbledore was an Apple Bonbon man all the way,' said James. 'The candy industry would never be the same again after that truth was revealed.'

**that many victims were all around them **

'Victims?' said Peter.

'Of his scary "tutoring", no doubt,' James chuckled. 'Because we all know Dumbledore is a scary paedophile! Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if the author said that.'

**(implying that the students could join them at any moment), **

'Stop being so scary,' said Lily. 'I mean it, story!'

**that Dumbledore held the Elder Wand **

'It would be cool if that were true,' said Sirius. 'Shame it's an Alternate Universe.'

**(implying that he was magically unbeatable), **

'Well, yes, that _is _generally seen as the point of the Elder Wand,' said James. 'We're not stupid. Stop holding our hand through this all.'

**and that there had been no epic duel against Grindelwald **

'Now she's just being stupid. That's history you're altering there. Just check the books,' said Remus.

**(implying that Dumbledore could get away with anything). **

'Okay, maybe I need a bit more handholding with that one,' said James. 'Dumbledore didn't fight Grindelwald, so he can get away with anything? How does that work? Did someone else defeat Grindelwald and is Dumbledore now stealing his claim to fame, or what?'

**Grindelwald had let himself be put in prison for the 'Greater Good' of his lover's 'benevolent' rule over the Wizarding World. **

'So now Dumbledore is a homosexual Dark Lord who is in possession of the Elder Wand and has _very _strong subtext implying he rapes his students,' said Sirius. 'What canon did the author base this on?'

'You forgot that his lover was one of the evilest Wizards of all time,' said Lily. 'I'd say that's pretty important in this weird version of Dumbledore.'

'The imagination of these people…'

**Dumbledore loved to laugh about this most of all. He then Obliviated his audience.**

'Why bother telling them, then?' said James. 'In all honesty, Dumbledore! Why?'

**Of course, many things can be hidden by a good Obliviation: in the interest of killing two birds with one stone, Dumbledore buggered the boys while 'tutoring.' **

'No. no, no, no! That's – that's – no!' Lily placed a hand over her heart, too shocked to continue reading. 'He really _is _a raping paedophile!'

'And he's tutoring me,' said Peter. 'I'm being raped by Dumbledore? And then he erases my memory? Who – what – huh?!'

**Thus came to be the bump on Peter's head.**

'In all fairness, that still doesn't make any sense,' said Sirius. 'Was Albus shagging Peter's head?'

'Padfoot. Don't.'

**One day in Peter's seventh year, Dumbledore was leaning back in his chair, monologue-ing away as Peter knelt on all fours, **

'This is the pits,' said Peter. 'Why am I always the butt monkey?!'

'Not sure if "butt monkey" is the word you want to use right now,' said James.

**naked in the brilliant light, staring at the dark polished floor, trying not to cry as his head occasionally hit the drawers of the huge carved and gilded Headmaster's Desk. **

'I can't finish this,' said Lily. 'I'm sorry, it just… I can't.'

'I'll do it,' said Peter bleakly, taking the book from her. Now that he'd found this story, he wanted to know how it ended.

**His head started bleeding as the Dark Lord finished up. Dumbledore then Scourgified them both and fastened his robes; **

'The calculating, distant way in which this is described is so chilling,' said Remus. 'You can really tell Dumbledore has done it more often and that it's just routine for him now.'

**Peter dressed unsteadily as the Dark Lord continued to monologue. It seemed almost that the boasting were more important that the buggering to Dumbledore; it certainly was to Peter, who had now heard the whole of his Headmaster's enormities as Dumbledore concluded with a smirking 'Obliviate!'**

'What other things has Dumbledore done that he could boast about it like that? I'd say raping and then _mind_raping his students is about the worst you can do in a position of power!' said Lily. 'Forget the Elder Wand, forget not fighting Grindelwald – this is bad! And because they don't remember, they can't report it, even if they dared!'

**Peter saw the Dark Lord's expression change to his usual twinkle, and was offered a Lemon Drop, which Peter took. **

'At least the candy industries are still safe?' said James.

**He palmed it rather than actually pop it into his mouth, and, realising that he still remembered the whole afternoon, **

'What? But he was Obliviated. By the Elder Wand,' said Remus. 'Is that a plot hole? I dare say it is.'

**avoided looking back into the Headmaster's eyes as he was told to return to his dormitory.  
As Peter staggered into the Gryffindor Common Room, blood dripping down his face, **

'And that looks like another plot hole – wouldn't Dumbledore know to cover up the blood?' said Remus.

'How can things like plot holes bother you when I've just been raped by Dumbledore?' said Peter.

'Focusing on the little things makes it possible to ignore the bigger picture. It's a matter of self-preservation.'

**he eagerly looked for his friends, his Marauder brothers, **

'Who would stand up and fight for his honour!' said James. 'Right?'

**for the strength to unburden himself. They sat by the fire, and, upon seeing Peter, burst into howls of laughter.**

'Or, more accurately: who'd laugh at me,' said Peter. 'Guess I shouldn't have been surprised.'

'What is that supposed to mean?' said James.

'Nothing. Just forget it.'

**'Oi, Pete, fell down the stairs again?' Sirius shook his head in mocking disbelief.**

'He "fell down the stairs"? Talk about a classic abuse excuse,' said Lily. 'I haven't seen it used to casually since _Twilight_! Author, you don't want to look like Stephenie Meyer's work! It's bad! Bad!'

**'Pete, Pete, what are we going to do with you?' chortled James, the Head Boy.**

'With a horrible dialogue tag,' said Remus. 'And would it matter that James is a Head Boy in this context? No? Then leave it out, author.'

**Remus sighed in concern. **

'I sigh in concern? I didn't know people did that… Exasperation, maybe, but concern?'

'At least you are concerned,' said Lily. 'Thus far you seem to be the only one…'

Peter rolled his eyes. _No big shocker there._

**'This happens at least once a month. **

'Now it sounds like Peter is a Periodeschläbberer,' said Sirius. 'Oh! Brain! Stop that thought!'

'A periodeschläbberer?' said Peter. 'What's that?'

'No, I won't tell you. You do not. Want. To. Know. I hate myself for even thinking it.'

Deciding that if even _Sirius _thought it was too nasty to verbalize, he'd rather not know, Peter continued reading.

**Are you sure the Slytherins aren't hexing you? Maybe we should talk to Dumbledore for you.'**

'See! And that's why it's so bad Dumbledore is doing it!' said Lily. 'Look at the power he has! It's sickening!'

**Peter stopped and stared. _Once a month? And they laugh?_ **

'Fanafiction!us aren't known for our social skills,' said James. 'But this is really bad. We _are _his friends, you know.'

**He then realised that saying anything about the truth would be totally disbelieved, **

'I might have a point there,' said Peter.

'Yes, you do, but we'd listen to you,' said James. 'We can hardly help you if you don't even _tell _us what's going on.'

**and would only cause him to become an outcast. _Like Severus Snape._**

'Whow – what? When did Severus get into this?' said Lily. 'He's molested by Dumbledore as well? What?'

_**Severus must not be able to be Obliviated, either. **_

'Or maybe he's just a slimy git. Telling people he's being raped by Dumbledore isn't necessarily the reason why he hasn't got any friends,' said Sirius.

_**I need to find some way to talk to him…**_

'Well, he's a student at a school we're you're a student as well,' said Remus. 'You have classes with him. Dinner with him. Just walk up to him and talk. '

**The woods had become as dark as Peter's thoughts **

'Ergo, we're back into the present again?' said James.

'Yes. Where he's about to betray his best friends,' said Sirius.

**as he reached a clearing outside Godric's Hollow. Severus waited at the right hand of another of Dumbledore's victims, **

'So now, years later, I'm meeting up with Snape? I'm choosing _Snape _over _you_? Talk about things that are unlikely,' said Peter, putting extra vigour in his voice to mask his insecurity. 'I'd never do that. You know that, right?'

'Of course you wouldn't do that, Peter,' said Sirius, not looking at him. 'You know better than that.'

**the most powerful of them all. **

'Who could it be?' said Remus. 'Grindelwald?'

'No, Grindelwald was his lover,' said James. 'A powerful person raped by Dumbledore? Er…'

**Peter was puzzled as he thought he saw a flash of pain cross Severus's face; **

'I'm puzzled, too,' said James. 'Anyone care to explain this?'

'I would if I could, Prongs,' said Peter.

**Peter knelt before the wizard who would rid the world of Albus Dumbledore.  
'Welcome, Secret Keeper.' **

'I'm someone's Secret Keeper? Cool…'

'Well, yes, but you're about to betray the Secret,' said Sirius. 'Which makes you a traitor.'

**Voldemort smiled. **

'You're about to betray one or more of us to Voldemort,' said Sirius. 'Great job there, Pete.'

'It's just a story,' said Peter. 'It's not necessarily true, Padfoot.'

**'Where is the prophesied Child? Where can I find the Potters?'**

'So he's going to – oh. I think I might have a moment of clarity,' said James. 'The prophesied child must be Harry, seeing as he is going to destroy Voldemort… and now Peter is… oh. Good thing this is an alternate universe…'

**Peter smiled in return and began to speak.**

'And you're smiling while you're betraying them,' said Sirius. 'You're a sick little fuck in this, aren't you?'

Peter's head snapped up as if Sirius had hit him in the face. 'I'm _sorry _if you don't like my characterization in something like this!' He jumped up and glared at Sirius. 'I'm sorry if the one time a story is about me, it's not completely to your liking! I'm sorry if I can't be cool enough to really be a Marauder! I'm sorry for existing, okay? And you made it more than obvious that you're sorry about that too. You don't need to keep reminding me, _Padfoot_.' He looked like he was about to say more, but changed his mind and just walked away.

'I – shit. Pete,' James called, getting up and following him. 'Wormtail. Sirius didn't mean it like that. He's just a dick.'

Peter laughed humourlessly. 'Yes, I know. Just leave me alone, okay? I don't need to have it rubbed in my face how you'd rather I wasn't there. I get the message, Prongs. Just go and hang with your perfect little girlfriend and your perfect little friends and forget I exist! Hey, fanfiction seems to have no problem with that!'

'Peter,' Lily said, getting up as well, but Peter drew out his wand and pointed it at her.

'Leave me alone. I mean it. I don't want to see any of you right now.' Still keeping his wand pointed at Lily, he hurried backwards towards the stone staircase. When he reached it, he turned around and ran upstairs.

'Shit,' Remus said.

* * *

**A/N: Seeing as I got loads of people asking for a fic where Peter's motives were shown _and _the fact that Stromsten wrote this beautiful piece for the Companion: a story about Peter! The poor boy. Yes, I hate him and he should die in a fire, but he _was _nice when at Hogwarts. I think. And how did Lily read Stephenie Meyer's works? Plot convenience. Hope you liked it!**


	46. The hidden sex god

They didn't speak to Peter for the rest of the day. As the other students returned from their holidays, it was easy for Lily and the Marauders to focus on other things: essays they still had to finish, friends they had to catch up with, returns they had to celebrate. The next morning at breakfast, James and Lily were sitting together and explaining to passers-by that yes, they were together now, yes, they had been for a couple of days, yes, the questioner could go to Sirius and he would see how much he or she had made by betting on the outcome.

Meanwhile, Sirius and Remus were sitting with Siobhan, discussing Sirius's novel. Siobhan was more than willing to help and seemed amused by the prospect of her secret relationship with Remus, giving him many eyebrow wigglings and flirty smiles, just to see him blush.

And Peter? He was sitting at the Hufflepuff table, his back to the Gryffindors, talking to some other friends he had. Friends who _did _appreciate him.

'Shouldn't we go and apologise?' James said when they walked to their classes and Peter was still ignoring them. 'We have been treating him shittily lately…'

'He's overreacting,' said Sirius. 'And he _was _being pathetic – we were just telling him. He shouldn't take those stories that personal.'

'Want me to talk to him?' Remus said.

'No. He can stop being such a drama queen.' Sirius didn't leave any room for discussion. Behind his back, James and Remus exchanged shrugs and 'he'll see sense'-looks. It wasn't the first time they saw him like that.

'So, Lily.' Siobhan started walking next to Lily on their way to Arithmancy. 'I heard Sirius's novel was inspired by a book filled with stories about you?'

'Yes, it is,' said Lily. 'It's the weirdest thing, really. People have these images of us in their mind… I'm always an uptight prude, Sirius is the biggest slut imaginable, James has no life apart from me, Remus is incredibly bookish and Peter… usually doesn't exist.'

'Peter doesn't exist?' Siobhan raised her eyebrows.

'Long story. You could read one of the fics with us, if you want,' said Lily. 'We were planning on reading one during lunch. They've become a bit of an addiction to us, and of course Sirius needs inspiration for his novel – and he needs to know what he has to avoid at all costs.'

'Great. I'll be there,' Siobhan said.

* * *

'Okay. Wormtail isn't here, something I'm sure we all regret deeply, but luckily we have Siobhan, ready to soften the pain for us.' Sirius bowed for her and pretended to take off his hat. 'Now, as I was sitting in Transfiguration, I was looking through the stories and I thought that this one should be fun. The title sounds like this story is a quick and easy way of showing Shiv what the Companion is about.'

'Is he always this formal about it?' Siobhan whispered to James.

'No, usually just with his novel. He'll get out of it.'

'So, this is called _The hidden sex god_,' Sirius said, but before he could continue, Siobhan burst out in laughter.

'Sorry, what?'

'_The hidden sex god_. Apparently, it's about our lovely Remus.' Sirius reached out to pat Remus's head, but Remus slapped his hand away.

'As in, _Remus_ the hidden sex god?' said Siobhan.

'It makes sense. You see, I'm a demon hunter, James can get pregnant, and Sirius and Remus are in a relationship with each other,' said Lily. 'You get used to it pretty easily.'

'I'm very intrigued.' Siobhan straightened her shoulders. 'So, let me hear it!'

**Everybody always thought that, of the Marauders, James was the one with a True Love. **

'He is. It's sickening,' said Sirius. 'That's pretty central in all these stories. James loves Lily, and Lily alone, and he has never looked at any other girl, ever. Except Severus, whose child he is carrying.'

**Peter might've had a boyfriend or two. **

'I thought Sirius and Remus were gay?' said Siobhan.

'Apparently, now is Peter.' James shrugged. 'Our sexualities are very flexible in these stories. Like our personalities. And our non-Marauder friends.'

**And Sirius was the sex god. **

'No idea where they got that idea from,' said Lily. 'But it is _very _consistent.'

**What nobody knows is that there was someone a lot more sexually active than Sirius. **

'He isn't _that_ sexually active – are you?' said Siobhan. 'I mean… I never really hear anything about it…'

'I'm not that bad,' said Sirius. 'I suppose people just can't grasp that someone with my good looks doesn't get laid every day. Truth is, I have better things to do than shagging.'

'Like reading this?' she said.

'Exactly! And writing novels, and pranking, and being awesome…'

**Someone who, later, might seem like an innocent goody two-shoes, but who was in reality the biggest flirt Hogwarts has ever known.**

'Lily Evans,' said Sirius. 'The sly little seductress.'

**Remus Lupin.**

'Well, we hadn't seen that one coming, with him being listed as the protagonist,' said James. 'Wow! What – a – reveal!'

'Could you be silent, please? Remus is going to be my fictional boyfriend, I want to know how he's fictionally sexy,' said Siobhan.

**Yes, Remus Lupin is the man who had three dates to the Yule Ball. **

'… What's the Yule Ball?' said Lily.

'There's the Triwizard Tournament – which our son is apparently going to compete in -' James added, for Siobhan's sake, 'and as a part of that, there's a ball around Christmas. And apparently, Remus had three dates.'

'As the Marauder I am,' Remus said.

**Remus Lupin is the one who gave Lily Evans (and Bellatrix Lestrange, for that matter) her first kiss. **

'Am I?' Remus seemed impressed with himself. 'Lily, how was I?'

'Oh, very good, no doubt,' said Lily. 'Shiv, you have nothing to worry about in Sirius's novel.'

'Apart from Death Eaters trying to kill you and a possibly fatal attack on you by your vampiric father,' said Sirius.

'Oh, okay.' Siobhan nodded. 'I should be able to handle that.'

**Remus Lupin is the individual whose picture was on every girl's nightstand. Remus Lupin is the inventor of some of the best Magical pickup lines to date. **

'What, better than "I've been whomping my willow thinking about you"?' said Sirius.

Lily and Siobhan both looked appalled.

'Sirius! Really?' Lily said. 'That is just gross. I think we know why your sex life isn't that good, despite your eyes like limpid tears.'

'**I think you're pretty,' is what he said in first year, when he had yet to get used to the other sex. **

'And it's a good line,' said Siobhan. 'Simple, but effective.'

'Siobhan, I think you're pretty,' Sirius said.

The corners of her mouth turned up. 'Oh, Sirius, that is the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me, please whisk me off my feet and marry me in Vegas!'

'And just imagine, apparently I mastered this at the age of eleven,' said Remus. 'That's a _lot _of Vegas marriages.'

'**Your eyes are such a wonderful colour – like chocolate.' **

'Remus would go for a girl with chocolate coloured eyes,' said James. 'It's the only way he could look at them for longer than two seconds.'

**It was his line in second year, in an attempt to charm Emma Hart. **

'Wasn't this my soul mate?' said Sirius.

'Yes. In another story,' Lily said when Siobhan looked confused.

**Her eyes were blue, but she forgave him – it was because of the smile that accompanied his compliment.**

'What kind of Remus did this author have in mind when she wrote this?' Sirius said. 'In all honesty, I get why girls… might like him… speaking from a completely heterosexual view, of course - '

'Of course,' James said with a straight face.

'- but _so _cute that they'd forgive him everything?'

'**Baby, if you were a Dementor, I'd go into crime just so you'd kiss me,' is the one he'd used for Alice back in their third year.**

'That one won't work. Dementors are too unsexy for that,' said Sirius. 'Is what I think.'

**By fourth year, things went a little bit differently. 'I might not be Xenophilius, but I sure know how to love good.' **

'I don't get it,' Lily said.

'Xenophilius Lovegood – he's a bit weird. He's a couple of years older than we are. I think he works for the _Prophet_,' said Sirius. 'Last time I saw him he told me I had to look out, because boys with my kind of skin were in danger of attracting sparkling vampires. Very weird fellow.'

'Am I the only one bothered by "good" being an adjective, instead of the adverb "well"?' Siobhan looked around.

'You're not,' said Remus. 'That's why I doubt I'd actually use that line.'

**This is the only one that hadn't worked for him – **

'Well, the bad grammar and the fact that it doesn't work, obviously.'

**the girl had been obsessed with grammar. **

'I like her.'

'It must be Siobhan, then. That's how you almost got together, but just not yet!' Sirius grinned.

**They shagged the next year, though, when he came with…**

'My novel! No, wait…' Sirius read ahead. 'Something even better!'

'**Have you heard of Platform 9 and 3/4? Well, I can think of something else with the exact same measurements.'**

Lily let out a shocked laugh. 'That's so bad. That's _so _bad.'

'I _think _I've found why I'm with Remus in your novel, Sirius,' said Siobhan.

'I didn't actually put this in,' Sirius said. 'And I won't. But it's good that you know that. Character development and all that.'

**Then came sixth year, the year he and Lily had a secret affair, **

'But what about me?' said Siobhan.

'What about me?' said James.

'If it helps, I have no recollection of this.' Lily held up her hands. 'And I'm still your One True Love™, remember? It's mentioned at the beginning.'

**which he'd initiated with, '****I know we're not in Professor Flitwick's class, but you still are charming.****' **

'That's sweet,' Lily said. 'I'd almost fall for that, Remus.'

**Soon he'd charmed her out of her clothes.**

'Smooth.' Sirius slapped Remus on the back. 'You're doing well in this story, mate. And people say I'm portrayed as slutty.'

**And then came seventh year, by which time he'd lend some of his phrases to the other Marauders. **

'How nice. Apparently you've had the key to Lily's heart all these years and only now you're sharing it with me?' said James.

**While Sirius tried to impress girls by saying, '****Hagrid's not the only giant on campus, if you know what I mean****', **

'Boo,' said Lily. 'That wouldn't work _at all_.'

**James said to Lily, '****I must have had some Felix Felicis, because I think I'm about to get lucky****' **

'But that one might…'

'Would it work if Mundungus Fletcher used it on you, Evans?' Sirius said.

She crunched up her face. 'Yugh! Don't make me think of that, please!'

**and Peter tried his luck with, 'Are you going to bed? Mind if I Slytherin?' – **

'Well, for a Slytherin girl…' Sirius said.

**while his friends still used those, Remus had moved on to a new tactic. **

'By the age of seventeen, Remus discovered that sex wasn't his cup of tea, and decided he would prefer being a monk,' said James. 'And there was much rejoicing.'

**Yes, there was the irresistible smile, the deliciously touchable hair, his fine body, the perfection of which even Hogwarts robes couldn't conceal… **

'It's so weird to read something like this about yourself.' Remus cocked his head, deep in thought. 'It _really _makes me wonder what people are thinking when they write this.'

'It's not just what they're thinking – you should also wonder what they're doing,' said Sirius. 'Are they writing with both hands, or… not?'

**but with Remus, it went deeper than that. **

'I have a personality?' Remus said.

'Please,' Sirius scoffed. 'Of course not. I never have one when I'm a slut, either.'

**Remus Lupin was, in fact, sex on legs and every girl knew it. **

'See? Told you.'

'"Remus Lupin was, in fact, sex on legs" – I must say, I'd never thought I'd hear those words,' said Siobhan. 'I mean, nothing bad on you, Remus, but… I wouldn't exactly describe you like that.'

'That's the great thing about the companion,' said Sirius. 'It gives us beautiful lines like "I love you, you're like a sandwich!" and "James! You know Potters are known for male pregnancies!"'

'How would male pregnancies work? Just _how _would they work?' Siobhan said.

James held up one hand. 'We've already thought about that, and decided that ignorance is bliss.'

'We've the same opinion on the question how those babies are made,' said Sirius. 'Especially when turned out Snivellus was the father.'

**Sure, by the time he went to teach, **

'Remus is going to be a Hogwarts teacher and marry a girl who's thirteen years younger than he is,' said Sirius in a matter-of-fact tone.

'Meaning that our love won't last?' Siobhan said.

'Maybe you won't make it to the end of my novel.' Sirius had the decency to look guilty. 'Or maybe you'll – oh, yes! You'll find out you're actually lesbian!'

She raised her eyebrows.

'Or maybe you just have to move so you can get a wonderful job somewhere,' he said. 'And be a lesbian.'

'Like Prongs's mum?' Remus said.

'Your mother is a lesbian?' Siobhan said, turning to James. 'I didn't know…'

'She isn't. And definitely not with Lily!'

Siobhan blinked. 'If you say so…'

**he'd learned to control his outrageous sexiness, **

'Merlin. That's almost on line with "I'm so sexy, how will I survive?"' said Sirius. 'Moony, you're worse than I've _ever _been in these stories!'

**but sometimes it still proved too much for his students. **

'Remus the paedophile is _back_! I'm sure we've all missed him,' James said.

**Many a morning had he woken up to find a fifth year had sent him a rose, or a seventh year would let it casually slip that she was legal. **

'Not a paedophile.' Remus was smug.

'This is hardly better,' said James.

'What? I can't help it that I'm so unbearably sexy.' It was impossible for Remus to keep his serious expression; at the end of his sentence, he burst out laughing from the mere notion of his sexiness being so overwhelming.

Even though everybody of course knew that Remus was drop-dead gorgeous.

Obviously.

**Remus always smiled at them, but he never gave in to their advances. They were his students, after all. It wouldn't be right. **

'Oh! See how much of a non-paedophile I am!'

**Although he did make an exception for Adelle Dewitt, **

'Forget what I said.'

**but that girl _was _the ultimate woman.**

'I hope she was off age,' said Sirius. 'Otherwise you could be in a lot of trouble, Mister Moony.'

**And now that he was married, **

'To my cousin, Nymphadora, who is now about four, five years old,' said Sirius.

'That's… kind of disturbing,' said Siobhan.

'That's Remus.'

**he found it gave him joy to keep his sexiness to one person. Dora was everything he could've wanted and he seemed to be the same to her. **

'But then this is sweet,' she said.

'We have a son – Teddy,' Remus said.

**Now she was the only one to fully appreciate how hot he was, and that was fine with him. He was happy now.**

'And that's the end,' said Sirius. 'Just in time, too. I've got Charms and no beautiful girls to charm out of their clothes… Maybe I should just skip it.'

'Don't,' Lily said. 'Be a grown-up, go to Charms, and then make up with Peter. You'll feel better if you do.'

'But I'll feel awful while doing it…'

The bell rang.

'I'm going to Ancient Runes,' Siobhan said. 'It was really fun, reading this with you. Let me know when I can read part of your novel, Sirius – I'm really curious.'

'Oh, it will exceed any expectations you might have.' He got up slowly and put the Companion in his bag. After a deep sigh, he said, 'Fine, fine, I'll go to Charms. _And _I'll apologise to Peter,' he added, when Remus crossed his arms. 'Christ, Moony, get that pole out of your arse, or you'll never get laid.'

* * *

**A/N: 1. Don't worry, I'm not replacing Peter with Siobhan. He'll be back next chapter and she won't be more than a side character.**

**2. SOMEONE WROTE A POEM TO ME! Props to Natalie91084! I'm flattered!  
**

**3. A reaction to a guest review: no, this story doesn't have a plot, and I agree with you that normal stories should. However, the Companion is (to me) more a means of sporking the stories they read; the story lines of the ones reading it aren't as important. This is in a way more a sporking than a story. (This is also why, despite several requests, I won't put in chapters without the Companion. They're not relevant to this story.)  
If it's any consolation, Ariana Riddle has a plot... sort of...  
**

**Anyway, after this: I hope you all liked the chapter!  
**


	47. Sirius Black: A Novel II

'What is going on in there?' Lily said, looking at the stairs that led to the boys' dormitory. 'They've been up there for ages. I thought Sirius was just going to apologise?'

'Sirius always has some difficulty with that,' said James. 'Admitting he's in the wrong isn't his best quality.'

'You know, after all that fanfiction we've read, I'm almost starting to believe there's some hot and heavy Sirius/Peter going on up there.' Remus stroked his chin as he spoke and looked troubled by his own thoughts. 'I hate fanfiction.'

'I don't think a lot of people ship Sirius with Peter – not when they can ship him with you or with themselves,' said Lily. 'But yes, it is rather suspicious, isn't it?'

'So, we'll just think them gay until proven straight?' said James.

'Let's.' Remus returned to the game of cards they were playing, not knowing that James had used this small window of time as an opportunity to steal some of Remus's best cards. Not that it mattered – Lily had cheated even more, and thus she was the one who won.

They were in the middle of their fourth game when Sirius and Peter came downstairs, engaged in a heated discussion.

'But that doesn't seem likely, Padfoot,' Peter said. '_If _Echo really does that, why would she talk to her like that? Why would she bother?'

'Because that's what bad guys do in general. They need to gloat and maybe Echo thought she'd join them.' Sirius shrugged and took a seat next to James, while Peter sat down between Lily and Remus. '_I_ think it makes sense.'

'Nothing you say ever does, Padfoot. What are you talking about?' James said.

'My novel. I've got another part I'd like you to read.' Sirius laid the book on the table. He started smiling every time he looked at it – like it really was his baby. 'It's written from Lily's perspective and it's completely different from my part.'

'You write fast,' said Remus.

'I've so much inspiration, Moony – you can't imagine.' Sirius handed the notebook to Peter and tilted his chair so it was resting on only his hind legs. 'Peter, will you do us the honour?'

'**And of course _Vermin _didn't do anything to help, he just sat there while we cleaned up. And usually I wouldn't mind, because he was the guest, but he's just so _rude_. **

'Are you talking about Vernon, Sirius?' Lily said. 'Or is someone actually unfortunate enough to be named Vermin?'

'His name's Vernon? I thought… Oh.' Sirius thought back of the few times he'd seen the name – yes, it could've been Vernon instead of Vermin… 'In that case, Vermin is your nickname for him, Evans. Accept it.'

**I honestly don't understand what Tuney sees in him,' **

'That _is _true.'

'I know,' Sirius said. 'I've done my research on things like this.'

**Lily says as she and James patrol the corridor. She glances out of the window every few seconds, but the grounds seem peaceful. Maybe tonight will be an easy night.**

'What is that supposed to mean?' Remus said.

'You'll see,' said Peter.

'**Maybe he has hidden qualities,' James says. 'For all you know he might be great in the sack.'**

'_Vernon?_ I think you haven't done your homework that well, Sirius,' Lily said, stifling a laugh. 'He hardly dares kiss Petunia on her cheek. And, of course, there's the fact that he's physically repulsive…'

'Lily, could you _please _just read the rest of my story before you call me out on inaccuracies that aren't even there?' Sirius glared at her. 'I know what I'm writing, thank you very much.'

**She laughs. **

'See how well I get your reactions? You laugh in real life when you hear that, you laugh in my novel when you hear that.' He wrinkled his nose to show his hurt pride, and Lily rolled her eyes.

'Drama queen.'

'**Are you serious? He's fatter than an obese whale. **

'Okay, I really do describe him like that…' Lily looked slightly freaked-out. 'When have I _ever _discussed Vernon with you?'

'Oh, you mention it in passing once in a while.'

'I mention _Vernon_?'

Sirius nodded, but was more interested in the lines carved into the table than in Lily's face.

**He'd have to be _incredibly _talented to make up for all that… all that… yugh. **

'And he isn't. Vernon has the talent of… of… of an empty peanut,' said Lily. 'A _rotten _empty peanut, for that matter.'

**I didn't want to think about that!' She shakes her head in disgust, and as she does so she spots some movement outside. **

'**I'm just saying… maybe he's not as bad as he seems.' **

'Oh, he is,' Lily said. 'I can't wait until you meet him, James. You'll die. Of laughter, that is. And I'll die of embarrassment. He's just so… _vile_. And he has this moustache and it's – so – big!'

'Did you give Lily something while we were gone?' Peter said.

'No, she always gets like this when describing Vernon. She really dislikes him,' James said.

'That, or she's hidden feelings for him. I'd be worried, Prongs. I see some _heavy _Lily/Vernon subtext here, both in real life and in the fic.'

Lily shivered. 'Peter, please, please, _please _don't. You underestimate how disgusting Vernon is.'

**But she doesn't listen to James; **

'You've really got her to a T,' said James. 'How well I know this situation…'

**she's stopped walking and is now standing in front of the window, scanning the landscape below her. Just as she decides she must've imagined it, she sees it again: **

'A cowboy unicorn with a pirate on it!' Lily said.

'Nothing of that awesomeness, I'm afraid, Evans.' Sirius looked apologetic. 'I might put one in later, though… it sounds cool.'

**a tall person with pale skill and clothes that had been out of fashion since the 60s. The 1860s. **

'A _vampire!_' Lily said.

'… Maybe she had something without our knowledge,' James said to Peter.

'**Evans?' **

**She swivels around and tries to smile. 'James, I have to go for a moment.'**

'**Why?' **

'To save the world, of course. Isn't that obvious? It's what I always do!'

**_Shit. What am I going to tell him?_ she thinks, just as she blurts out, 'Vampire.' **

'Apparently, story!Lily is on the same drugs ours is right now,' Remus said. 'Sirius, what have you done?'

'I'm just an incredibly good writer, anticipating reactions like these before Lily even knows she's weird.'

**James frowns. 'Sorry, what? Vampires?'**

'Yes, they're un-dead, drink blood, can't stand crosses and holy water… Does it ring a bell?'

'**Y-yes,' she says, searching frantically for an explanation. 'Vampire… romance. **

'Sirius! I don't read that!'

**I just had a great thought for – for Sirius's novel and I should really tell him now.' **

'You put your novel in your novel?' Remus said. 'That's very meta…'

'I know! Maybe I should have them read from my novel… Then in my novel, they read a novel that is the novel!'

'**Sirius writes a novel?' he says. 'What?'**

'I didn't believe it either, when I heard he was going to do it,' said James. 'Although I'm worried you're portraying me as an idiot…'

'Just staying close to reality, Prongs. I can't help it if you've the brain capacity of… well, of James Potter.'

'**Yes, it's going to be a great literary masterpiece **

'Did you have to, Sirius?' Remus said.

'It's true and you know it.'

**and I've promised to help him with… the… things. **

'It sounds like I'm in an affair with Sirius,' Lily said. 'And I just got incredibly horny. In the story, I mean,' she added, when Sirius gave James a meaningful glance. 'Not here.'

'If you and Prongs want some alone time, we could continue reading this later,' said Sirius. 'I completely understand, Evans. And it would be a waste if you couldn't fully appreciate my novel because all you could think about is Prongs's prongs…'

'I think I'll manage,' she said.

**Like vampire romance. So I really should do that right now.' She reaches out as if she's going to place her hand on his shoulder, **

'See! I knew I was horny in the story!'

'But you thought it was for Sirius. Here, it's obvious you just love me.' James was incredibly smug. 'Not that I'm surprised…'

**but stops just before she touches him. **

'Or not. Guess I'm shagging Sirius after all.'

'That's not what I meant by it,' Sirius said.

'Tough luck. That's called alternative character interpretation.'

'**I will see you later. Won't I?' **

'No, by the time you return from shagging Sirius, James will have turned into that cowboy unicorn and fled away into the forest,' Peter said. 'That's his true Animagus form – the stag is just for when he's feeling down and can't change into his full potential.'

'That's _brilliant_,' Sirius said, writing it down. 'That's _so _going in there!'

'**Yeah, of course…' He looks at her like he's worried about her mental health. **

'We all are,' said Remus. 'At times, at least. Like when she thought it would be a good idea to go out with you…'

'**Lily, are you sure you're okay?'**

'Ah, how sweet and caring you are.' Lily grinned and kissed James.

'You're lucky we're not doing a drinking game, or this would be a True Love ™ shot,' said Sirius.

'**Fantastic. Okaygottarunbye!' As she runs off, she reaches inside her Hogwarts robes for her stake. **

'Because I have that on me at all times…?' Lily said.

'Of course! You never know when vampires might attack Hogwarts!'

**The Powers that Be – **

'The _what_?'

'It'll be explained later on,' Peter said. 'As in, the following words are the explanation. Have some patience, Lily.'

**the big, supernatural organisation she works for – **

'… The Powers that Be? _Really, _Sirius? What's next, a vampire with a soul who helps the helpless?' Lily raised her eyebrows.

'I might write a completely different novel about that,' Sirius said. 'Yes… and then he'd get into a relationship with a vampire slayer, like you…'

'And then James the Unicorn attacked them and they were all dead, the end,' said James. 'Eh?'

**didn't inform her about the impracticality of Hogwarts robes when fighting vampires, **

'I hadn't even thought of that. They're so long, how can you really kick someone while they're floating around your legs? For that matter, people can easily grab them and… Fighting vampires in Hogwarts robes is just dumb,' Lily said.

**but Lily has learned her way around it. **

'Don't Sue me, Sirius.'

**This year is her easiest vampire hunting year so far. **

'How long have I been doing it?'

'I think this is your third year, something like that. But you were trained from the moment you could walk. _Which _is why you hate Vermin so much! Because you've always had to work hard, and he's just a lazy, fat bastard who never put his life on the line! Oh, I'm a genius!'

**She has better fighting skills, better stakes, and the fact that she was Head Girl means she doesn't have to sneak out anymore. She can just say she's on patrol – and she is. **

'How practical being a Head Girl is, when you're fighting vampires,' Lily said. 'Who'd have known?'

**The teachers just don't know she isn't only hunting snogging students and mischief makers, **

'Alliteration?' Remus looked at Sirius.

'It's a proper literary device, Mister Moony, may merciful merchants make merry… mixtures… Okay, I'm done.'

**but vampires as well. **

**In Hogwarts the students are safe; vampires can't enter if they haven't been invited. **

'Really?' Peter said.

'Yeah, don't you know your vampire lore? It's a pretty well known fact.'

**However, Lily knows that vampires have been invited in before and that the results weren't pretty. That's why she's here: to make sure incidents like the one in '46 don't happen again. **

'What happened in '46?' said James.

'I don't know yet, but it was very bloody.'

**Once outside, Lily is on her guard. Her eyes take in the scene, but she relies on her ears the most. Making barely a sound herself, she waits for the moment the vampire betrays himself. **

**A rustling behind her alarms her someone's coming. **

'It is paedophile Remus!' Peter said.

'Don't be ridiculous – I'm off age in this. Far too old for Remus's tastes,' said Lily.

Remus narrowed his eyes at her. 'Tonks was off age. And that Adelle Dewitt probably was, too. And Sirius is!'

'That's homosexual Remus. This is paedo Remus. They're different Remuses,' said Peter.

**She turns around swiftly and raises the stake, ready to strike, but then she nearly dropped it in astonishment. In front of her stands Echo Chambers, a girl from her Muggle class.**

'I don't know an Echo Chambers,' Lily said.

'No, she's an original character. I need some of those,' said Sirius.

'**Echo?' Lily says. 'What are you doing here?'**

'A very valid question, seeing as she's a Muggle,' said James.

**Echo has hardly changed at all since Lily last saw her this summer. **

'And where are we now in the story? October? November?' Lily said.

'Half-November.'

'And I'm out fighting vampires… I must be freezing…'

**Her light brown hair is still in the same pixie cut, she wears clothes Lily has seen before, and her trademark silver bracelet is around her wrist. In the moonlight she seems paler than Lily remembers, and her dark eyes stand out against her white skin.**

'Vampire! Oh, see how well I spot them. I really should become a vampire hunter…'

'**I just thought I'd see how you were doing.' **

'Oh, yeah, I always go to different countries, and then to places I'm not supposed to be – where I can't even be, because of protective enchantments – just to visit someone,' Remus said. 'Not suspicious _at all_.'

**Smiling, Echo holds out her arms for a hug, but Lily doesn't come any closer. **

'Because I know she's a vampire.'

**Echo's smile falters. 'Lily? Is something wrong?'**

'**Not at all,' Lily says. 'How have you been?'**

'Huh? What is this? "Oh, she's a vampire – let's have a chat!"? Sirius?'

'**Oh, you know. **

'"Just a vampire, you know what things are like,"' James said.

**Dead. **

'Oh. I was pretty close. Maybe _I'm _a vampire!'

**You?' **

**Lily shrugs. 'Witching. Changed by that bloke I saw earlier?'**

'… Why don't I care that she's a vampire?'

'Because this isn't the first time it's happened, and you've put a protective layer around your heart so you won't be hurt that easily anymore,' Sirius said. 'It's why you won't go out with Prongs; you're afraid he'll get hurt or changed or maybe even die, so it's safer if you don't get any feelings for him. Not that it works, because True Love's pull is stronger, of course…'

'Wow. I sound _deep_…'

'**Charlie? Yeah. He's great, Lil. **

'"He killed me, but hey, that's life!"' Peter said.

**I mean, he smells a bit like a musty corpse, **

'Which he is,' said Remus.

**but you can hardly bl - ' Echo doesn't get to finish her sentence. Sensing the approach of the other vampire, Lily has decided to cut short the pleasantries and put the stake through Echo's heart. **

'No! Echo! I feel bad for you, even though you only had so few lines,' said Peter. 'But that might just be because I know your entire background…'

'How? She doesn't exist,' James said.

'Sirius told me. When we were upstairs?'

'Straight, then,' said Remus. 'Shame.'

**Just in time, because the next moment she feels a hand on her shoulder.**

**She doesn't waste any time; she raises her elbow and slams it backwards into her opponent's face, hearing a 'crunch' when his nose breaks.**

'I'm cool,' Lily said. 'I'd love to be able to do that. Death Eaters wouldn't expect it if you suddenly used physical violence in a fight… And look how cool I am, just kicking vampire arse like that!'

'**Shit! Evans! What was that for?' **

'Or not,' Remus laughed.

**Lily's heart sinks to her feet. Slowly, she turns around and sees James hunched over, his hands over his nose. **

'James doesn't see physical violence coming, either,' said Peter. 'The poor boy.'

James gingerly touched his nose. 'Remind me not to make you angry when I'm standing behind you.'

'**Oh, shit! James, I'm so sorry.' Still looking around for 'Charlie', Lily squats down and tries to assess the damage. 'I thought you were someone else…'**

'And that's all I've got. What do you say?' Sirius said.

'Thus far, I've been stupid, my girlfriends wants to shag _you,_ and I've been hit by said girlfriend,' James said. 'Who isn't even my girlfriend yet. I feel like a dork.'

'You are a dork.'

'Don't worry, Sirius, I like it,' said Lily. 'I must admit, at first, I had my doubts about becoming a vampire hunter, what with how the demon hunting story worked out… but this is cool. And I love my back story.'

Sirius beamed. 'Oh, well… thank you,' he said, blushing. 'I'm really glad you like it, Evans.'

'Look at him, all flattered that someone likes his story,' said Remus. 'I haven't seen him like that since McGonagall said she liked his singing voice…'

'So, can we expect anything new soon?' Peter said.

Sirius nodded. 'Oh yeah. I've so many ideas lined up… '


	48. Oh my God I don't want to know this

'So, while we wait until I have a new part of my impossibly good novel to read to you, what say you about reading another part from the Companion?' Sirius said. 'To celebrate the fact that we're young and awesome?'

'I know better ways of celebrating that, but all right,' said James. 'In here?'

'Will that be safe?' Peter glanced at the students surrounding them, knowing that if they came across another _Thirty Ms _or – Merlin forbid – _Master of the Universe_, their reactions might make others wonder what the hell was going on. Not to mention the risks of coming across a Sue – the Sporks of Justice might compromise their little group.

'Let's not risk it,' Remus said. 'Before I lose all credibility I have as a Prefect. Our dormitory, then?'

'Effectively killing all credibility I have as a chaste, innocent Head Girl,' Lily said, as she got up.

James shrugged and put an arm around her. 'Lily, you're with us now. Nobody believes in your innocence anymore, and as for you chastity… Why would you _want _to be chaste?'

'You might have a point there.' She grinned and kissed him.

'I'd say "get a room", but we're already going to get a room and I don't want the two of you trying to give each other a clothed shag while we're reading,' said Sirius. 'Please try and behave.'

'How silly he is, thinking we'd ever behave,' James said.

'Up we go.' Peter led them all upstairs, where they all assembled on the beds of Sirius and James. Peter was the one who got the Companion and chose a story this time. 'It's called _Oh my God I don't want to know this_ and it's about Lily!'

Lily blinked a couple of times. 'If the story itself is already called _Oh my God I don't want to know this_, how big are the chances that _we _want to know it?'

'We can always try it and if you feel like you're going to combust with rage again, we'll stop,' said Sirius. 'Just relax, Evans. Reading about these twisted minds might give you insight in life and make you appreciate the wonderful company you have around you at the moment.'

'**You mustn't discuss this with anyone, Miss Evans,' Dumbledore said, **

'I hope I listen to Dumbledore to the point where I don't even discuss it with the readers,' Lily said.

'Who wants to bet Lily and Albus have an affair?' Sirius put his hand in the air, and Peter and Remus followed suit. 'The old man has already had Peter and me, it's about time he went for a girl, no?'

**as I followed him out of his office. **

Sirius gave Lily a pointed look.

'Oh come on! Even Peter doesn't see subtext in this,' Lily said. 'I was in his office and he asked I didn't tell anyone, that's all.'

'I think it might be subtext, Lily,' Peter said. 'Better safe than sorry.'

Her face was scrunched up in confusion. 'How does that even - ?'

'**If word gets out, the school will become a madhouse. I have complete faith in your discretion.'**

'Definitely shagging,' said Sirius.

'**I won't disappoint you, Professor,' I said, feeling his distress. **

'Okay, fine, fine, I'm shagging Dumbledore,' Lily said. 'I hate it that you always see the worst in these fanfictions. And I thought I had a True Love ™ in James?'

'We already know you like older people,' said Peter. 'Just now you like older men instead of older women. It makes sense, if you think about it.'

She was about to say, 'No, it doesn't', but she stopped. In fanfiction land, it did make sense.

'**Just let me know when you have a solution. And please stop thinking about the time you walked in on McGonagall in her experimental phase. **

'… What?' Remus said. 'Dumbledore needs to find a solution – which means she might not be shagging him, by the way - '

'Because Remus is the only real paedophile on board there,' Sirius said.

'Piss off. What I was saying is, McGonagall in her experimental phase?'

'Let us not elaborate on that,' James said.

**I didn't need to know that.'**

'We almost have a title drop!' Remus said. 'Maybe this story is about discovering Minerva is actually a hippie and has a hidden spot at Hogwarts where she eats space cake and thinks about life…'

'I'd read that,' Sirius said. 'And I totally believe that might be true.'

**He nodded and then returned into his office. I straightened my shoulders and I thought I was ready to face the rest of the world. **

'What have I been _doing _in there?' Lily said.

**Yes, there was a lot of noise and the images that kept popping into my mind weren't always pleasant – but I could do this. **

'I have absolutely no idea what's going on right now,' James said. 'Lily's having an affair with Albus and now – oh! She must've used some of Minerva's space cake!'

**I just needed to be discreet and let nobody find out that I – **

'– am pregnant with Albus's child,' Peter said.

'– think James is secretly a duck in a human body,' said Sirius.

'– cheated on my Transfiguration exam,' Remus said.

'- have the irrepressible urge to go to James and snog him senseless,' said James.

'– am surrounded by idiots who have _very _weird brain waves.' Lily said, shaking her head. 'How come you are all lauded by the teachers for your intelligence? How do you fake that in class?'

'**Evans! Oi! Evans! Is it true that you can read minds now?!' Sirius Black said. **

'Okay, that's far cooler than anything we came up with,' said Remus. 'You win, author.'

'I don't know. I like the idea of a little Lily Dumbledore.' Sirius shrugged. 'The child could have Lily's eyes and Albus's beard…'

'I think I prefer a Voldemort-defeating child with James,' said Lily. 'But I'll consider Albus as a possibility.'

'But wait. If Lily can read minds, doesn't that mean she knows what Padfoot is thinking right now?' Peter said. 'Imagine knowing what goes through his mind…'

Remus shivered. 'That must be a horrifying experience.'

'**That's _so _awesome. What am I thinking about now? **

'Oh, God,' James said. 'I can just imagine this scene…'

**What is he thinking about?' He pointed at a sixth year, who threw us one look and then hurried off. **

'I think we all know what he was thinking,' said Remus.

'**Or that girl? What _do _girls think about? **

'Me,' Sirius said. 'I already know that.'

'Only in the "Oh bugger, why won't he leave me alone?" sense, darling,' Lily said.

**Is someone masturbating right now?!'**

'Good gracious, _Padfoot!_' Remus sounded really indignant. 'Did you _have _to?'

**The influx of thoughts and emotions from Sirius was overwhelming. How did he survive being in his head? **

'Something that amazes us all,' Peter said.

'It's wonderful to be in my head,' said Sirius. 'You have no idea what you're missing out on.'

'Sex, pranks, more sex, food, prank, prank, annoy Snivellus, prank, food, annoy friends, food, more sex and then maybe homework once in a while?' James said.

'You're _good_,' said Sirius.

**I sure wouldn't. **

'Amen, Fanfiction!me,' Lily said. 'Amen.'

'**Er… You think about how cool I am right now, **

'I would think that,' said Sirius. 'That, or I'd be panicky and try not to think about embarrassing things.'

**the boy is thinking about how you're weird, **

'I'm a mind reader, too!' Remus said.

'No, that's just something that everybody always thinks about,' said James.

**the girl worries about her mum being ill and no. **

'What's the "no"?' Peter said.

'If anyone's masturbating right now,' said Lily.

**And girls think about lots of different things.' **

'Like?' Peter prompted.

'Food. Clothes. Friends. Not necessarily in that order. And education, magic, family, boys, books, gardening… loads of things. We _are _normal human beings, you know.'

'Sometimes I doubt that,' Peter said. 'Sometimes I really do.'

**I shake my head and try to block Sirius out, but his presence was very… present. **

'Loud in act, loud in mind… who is surprised?' James said.

**He had a very verbal mind, it turned out.**

'**And please don't think of me like that,' I added when I came across a thought I didn't have to know. **

'Thought control!' Sirius said. 'My mind is my own private place, Evans!'

Lily held up one hand. 'I don't know what you were thinking about, but whatever it was, I probably had my reasons for not wanting to know it. You could _try _to keep it down while around me, the same way I don't snog James when you're around.'

'**I thought James was the one who fancied me?'**

'Oh. One of _those _thoughts,' Lily said. 'I'm just going to assume the fanfiction made that up and none of you think of me that way.' She looked at the non-Pottered Marauders.

'So smart, yet so naïve,' Peter whispered to Remus. 'What does she think teenage boys _do_?'

'Well, not think about their classmates naked!'

Sirius rolled his eyes. 'It's sweet, this. It really is. Maybe there is some truth in that image people have of her as an innocent, chaste girl.'

'There isn't,' James said. 'Trust me on that.'

She smacked him on the chest. 'Fuck you.'

'**You can't honestly be surprised that I've a dirty mind,' he said. **

'I have a point there,' Sirius said.

'That doesn't mean _I _have to be in your dirty mind!'

'Now she has a point,' said James.

'Oh, Prongs, protecting your lady love's virtue?' said Peter. 'How romantic.'

'**You should know me better than that.'**

'**Hey, Lily,' I suddenly heard behind me, although I already knew Remus was going to speak to me. Just as I knew what he was going to say before he continued, 'We heard you could read minds – how did that happen?'**

'How weird that must be. It would make talking obsolete,' said Remus. 'I could just give you my entire life story and not say a word…'

'_That's _what he thinks about,' Sirius said, exasperated. 'Of _all _the things you could convey with Lily's mind reading power, you go for something that boring?'

'**Incident in Charms.' **

'What kind of charm would that be?' Peter said. 'One that just make you telepathic? How could anyone accidentally do that?'

**I shrugged, then focused on James. **

'I think you'd break up with me if you could read my mind,' James said. 'You'd really wonder what kind of idiot your boyfriend was.'

'I already do, James. And I'm still here, aren't I?'

**He hadn't been all that annoying lately – becoming a Head Boy seemed to have changed him for the better. 'Hey James.'**

'Ah, you're not even together yet and she's going to read your mind.' Sirius looked sympathetic. 'Will your True Love™ be strong enough to conquer James's wank fantasies? Let's find out.'

'**Lily. Hey.' He smiled awkwardly. _Oh, shit, she can read minds. Maybe she can – of course she can read mine. Shit. Have normal, unsexy thoughts. Normal thoughts. Sirius in a pink thong._**

'I hate you, fanfiction!James,' Remus said. 'I hate you so much right now.'

'Remus, don't hate the strange comment; embrace the wonderful subtext,' Peter said. 'This is how male pregnancies are made!'

_**NO! SHIT! **_

'At least he knows it's a weird thought,' Lily said.

'I don't usually think about Padfoot in pink thongs. I mean… I do now… unfortunately… but it's generally not…' James squeezed his eyes shut and tried to banish the picture form his mind. 'Oh, man, I don't want to think about this.'

'Still, we have to be honest here: if any of us – apart from Lily – had to wear a pink thong, I'm the only one who could've pulled it off,' Sirius said. 'This isn't as bad as, say, Moony in one, or Pete.'

'Your vanity really is a gift, Sirius,' Lily said.

_**Lily, I didn't think that, I didn't – **_

'**Did you draw that image from memory or your imagination?' I said, looking at him. **

'I don't know which is worse,' Peter said.

'Memory,' said Remus. 'That implies that Sirius actually wears pink thongs.'

'Yes, but imagination makes it seem like I would _want _him to,' said James. 'Imagination is definitely worse.'

'**Sorry. I didn't mean to peek. **

'Lily, with her pervy peekishness,' said Sirius. 'How weird would it be to hear someone's thoughts when he's masturbating to you? Would that be very awkward or just very flattering?'

'Only you, Padfoot, could think of something like that,' Remus said, pinching the bridge of his nose. 'And that's not a compliment.'

**I just don't know how to shut things out.'**

'That's what she said,' Peter snickered.

**His face turned the colour of parchment. 'Shit. You weren't supposed to… It was…' _Memory_.**

'Did you _have _to, author?' Sirius said.

'I thought you could pull it off?' Remus said. 'So what's the problem?'

'Where did he _get _that thong?' said Lily.

**I crunched up my face. 'Oh. Nasty.'**

'**Yeah.' **

'Why was James ever in a position to see him in a thong? Is that what you Marauders do when I'm not there?' She looked around. 'Because if it is… I'm glad you do it when I'm not there.'

'I've never _really _worn a thong,' said Sirius. 'Bras, though…'

**Peter now appeared, too. His thoughts were calmer and focused on dinner so much that I started to feel peckish myself. **

'**We could have so much _fun _with this,' said Sirius, thinking of hundreds of possibilities. **

'And I don't want to know even _one _of them,' Lily said.

'**The things you could find out, Evans…'**

'**Stop thinking of me naked!' I snapped. **

Lily buried her face in her hands as all Marauders suddenly looked away from her. 'You don't really…?'

'Of course we do,' Sirius said. 'It's just mentioned there! What else do you expect us to think about?'

'I'm not thinking about myself naked!'

'You should. It's great fun,' Peter said.

She glared at him. 'Just because I'm a girl?'

'A pretty girl,' Sirius said.

She groaned.

**He became a bright red, but my cheeks were flaming as well. That one comment was enough to make every Marauder around me picture me naked. **

'Oh Merlin! Look how in character we are,' Peter said. 'Maybe – maybe this is going to happen as well?'

'Seeing as James and I _are _together, while we aren't yet in the story… I don't think that's going to happen,' said Lily. 'Thank God.'

**I wasn't sure if their flattering depictions of my body were good or bad for my ego. **

'Why would they be bad for your ego?' Sirius said.

'Because if I turn out to look different, it's… disappointing, I suppose? Not that it matters, as none of you is ever going to see me naked. Except in your mind. Which you are probably seeing right now. Oh, I _hate _this!'

'**This is so embarrassing,' Remus said.**

'**You have _no _idea,' I said. **

'And that's the end,' Peter said.

'I understand the title now,' Lily said. 'There was so much "don't need to know" in that story…'

'Shall we make it better by reading another story?' Peter said.

'How would that make anything better?' Lily said.

'It might make us stop thinking about you,' said Sirius. 'I'm with Wormtail on this. On to the next one!'


	49. Stagman

'Okay, let me pick one.' Lily got the Companion and browsed through it until she stopped at a story named _Stagman_. 'Okay, this story is named _Stagman_. The summary goes: "_After witnessing the cruel murder of his parents, James Potter knows the world cannot go on like this any longer. He decides to stop evil. He becomes… Stagman._" That sounds like fun, doesn't it?'

'My parents are dead – what's the fun?' James said.

'In the fact that your superhero name is Stagman, obviously,' said Remus.

'Let us read about Stagman,' said Sirius. 'And let us see how much we can tease him with this afterwards!'

**Stagman **

Lily's mouth twitched.

'It's just a name,' James said.

'Yes, but it's a hilarious one. Stagman. _Stag_man. Stag_man_. It's so adorably… pathetic.'

**flew into the boys' dormitory, careful to make as little noise as possible. **

'I know it's James, but this still gives me creepy vibes,' said Peter. 'Like he would just sneak into a girl's room through the window while she didn't know it, and watched her sleep even though they'd barely even met each other…'

'That sounds more like something that messed up James from _Master of the Universe_ would do,' said Lily. 'Not James who thinks Stagman is a good superhero name. He probably still thinks girls are gross.'

'And maybe he just has a homosexual relationship with Sirius,' said Remus.

'The subtext is there already,' Peter admitted.

Sirius shook his head. 'You lot are pathetic.'

**Keeping his cape in check – **

'I have a cape?' James said. 'What's next, I have a very weird mask, too? Or a hat with antlers on it?'

'Those might be useful in combat,' Remus said. 'You could use them to hit people with, or maybe hide blades in them and then head bang your way to justice…'

**the thing had the annoying habit of wrapping itself around his legs when he wasn't flying – **

'Which can be very dangerous,' Peter said. 'Imagine being too wrapped up – no pun intended – in your cape to notice you're flying towards a wall?'

'A cape is impractical anyway,' said Remus. 'While those antlers might serve a purpose when fighting, a cape is just a liability. They could get caught up in something, your opponent could grab it and try to strangle you with it…'

'Yes, but you look fashionable.' Sirius said. 'And let's face it: you can hardly go around fighting crime with clothing like Prongs's. They'd run just so he wouldn't affect them with his bad fashion sense..'

'That's his face you're talking about, I think,' Remus said.

'Have I told you lot I hate you?' said James. 'Because I do. I really do.'

**he closed the window behind him and walked to his bed. **

'"His" as in Stagman's, or as in Sirius's?' Peter said.

'Let's just say it's Sirius's,' said Remus.

'Who is secretly his little helper, Padfoot!' Lily added.

'_Please_. I wouldn't be his little helper – I'd be the evil overlord who's taking over the world with Dumbledore, remember?'

**Just as he pulled his red underwear **

'Oh, Merlin, no,' James groaned.

'He goes to Sirius's bed and takes off his underwear… Oh, I love you, subtext,' Peter said.

'Maybe we should inform him there's gay porn,' Sirius muttered to Remus. 'It'd make his life, don't you think?'

'I don't know. I really think it's just the subtext he likes, but we could always try…'

**down over his tights, **

'This just gets worse and worse…'

'Oh, don't worry, babe.' Lily wrapped her arms around him. 'I'm sure you would look _great _in tights. Like a sissy, sure, but a wonderful sissy.'

'Speak for yourself. Those chicken legs would look horrible in tights and you know it, Evans,' Sirius said.

She rolled her eyes. 'Oh, I'm sorry, Mister Sirius "I look good in a pink thong" Black, I forgot you had the exclusive right to wear women's clothing.'

**someone hit him on the back of his head with something heavy.**

'Sirius doesn't want tonight,' Peter said. 'But he's always the one faking a headache, so now he's making Prongs have one!'

'It's fascinating,' James mused. 'My hatred just flows freely from one of you to the other. One moment I hate Padfoot more, but then you come with something like this, Pete, and I all but forget how much Padfoot should be thrown in front of the Mary Sues…'

'**Ow!' he yelped, **

'Sissy,' Sirius sang.

**turning around swiftly, only to be faced with Sirius, **

'Yeah, I think my hatred is firmly back on Sirius right now,' James said.

'Shall I make a subtext joke and save your sorry arse?' Peter said to Sirius.

'No, those subtext jokes make me uncomfortable. I'm fine with Prongs hating me – I know that beneath it all, he still loves me even more than he loves Lily.' Sirius solemnly placed a hand over his heart.

**holding up a big book. **

'The Companion!' Lily said.

'Are you kidding me? That's a gay Kama Sutra,' Peter said. 'They're probably just into BDSM.'

Sirius and James locked eyes. 'I think I'm with you on hating Peter right now,' Sirius said.

'**Sirius! What are you doing?'**

'"Not there, darling! Higher! Higher!"' Peter said.

'Now you're even freaking me out,' said Lily. 'There is a line and you just crossed it, Peter.'

**Sirius nearly dropped the book. **

'And they - ' Peter started, but Sirius put his hand over his mouth to shut him up.

'**Stagman? **

'… What? Does he even realize it's me?' James said. 'How stupid is he?'

**What are you doing here? Is something wrong? Evil you have to fight?'**

'He really doesn't realize it's me. Padfoot, in this story you have the IQ of a peanut. An _empty _peanut,' James said.

'But at least we're not shagging,' Sirius said.

'We've never shagged. In all those fanfictions, we've _never _come across someone pairing us, except one where you _might _be the father of my child.' There wasn't enough sense in the world to make that sentence logical to James. 'It's remarkable if you and Moony aren't shagging, it's remarkable if Lily and I aren't shagging, it's remarkable when Peter is shagging, but the two of us not shagging is normal.'

**Yes, Stagman was a superhero. **

'We'd gathered that,' Remus said.

**Ever since he'd taken up his father's cloak at the age of thirteen, he had been fighting crime, **

'So my dad died at thirteen? That sucks,' James said.

'You're wearing tights; _that _sucks,' said Sirius. 'And we already knew Charlus – or what was he called again? William? – was dead.'

**Death Eaters and bad grammar. **

'How does wearing a superhero suit make it possible to fight bad grammar?' said Remus. 'Because if it works… '

'Moony, no. You'd look even worse in tights than Prongs!'

**Every night he flew away, ready to save the innocents. His outfit consisted of red briefs over golden tights, **

'That sounds more like you're some strange stripper,' said Peter. 'Is this subtext, an author fetish, or…?'

'Golden tights on James…' Lily mused. 'I'm not sure if that idea fascinates or repulses me. Either way, you shouldn't try it. Tights are one thing. Golden tights are a disaster.'

**and a tight-fitted T-shirt with a stag on it, **

'I think you might be on to something with that stripper theory.' James was loathe to admit it, but the signs were there. That, or the author was just very, very bad.

**together with a red cape. He was every villain's biggest nightmare.**

'He's going to be in my nightmares, too,' Remus said. 'Imagine waking up and seeing Prongs looming over you in his gold tights… '

'And a tight T-shirt. I want to bet this author things he has abs,' Peter said.

'I have abs!'

'Only because you're absurdly skinny,' said Sirius. 'That doesn't count.'

'Could everyone please stop acting like James is physically repulsive?' Lily glared at all of them, except James. 'He has a very nice, cuddly, if a bit bony, physique, I'll have you know. And I'm sure he'd look even _better _than you in a pink thong!' she spat at Sirius.

'But let's not try that out for real,' Remus said hastily.

**But he also had a secret identity. A secret identity that had to stay secret **

'Is the secret identity a secret? Who'd have thought?' Peter said. 'Maybe James's secret identity is actually Snivellus…'

'No, I'm James's s secret identity!' said Sirius.

'No, I am!' said Remus.

Lily snorted. 'Darlings, we all know _I'm _James's secret identity.'

**at all costs, or else everyone he loved would be in jeopardy.**

'Where did I read this before?' Lily said. 'Oh, right, Sirius's novel! Wasn't this how I thought as well?'

'Yes, but I wrote it better, Secret-Prongs Number Three.'

'**Yes, Sirius,' he said.**

**Sirius's eyes became wide. 'You know who I am!'**

'Oh, no. I'm a _fanboy _now?'

'**Indeed I do. **

'Since when do I talk like that?'

'You're saving the world by being an insufferable arse,' said Sirius. 'It's comforting to see you've put that quality to good use.'

**Sirius, I need you to trust me for a moment. I will be back, but right now, I have somewhere else to be.' Stagman **

Lily giggled. 'That name stays amazing.'

'Couldn't I have called myself The Prongs? Or maybe something like The Invisible James?' James said. 'And how did I come up with Stagman? If I became a superhero at thirteen, I didn't know yet what my Animagus form was going to be…'

**clenched his hand into a fist. 'Will you please look away and not mention this encounter to _anyone_?'**

'Oh, a random superhero who looks suspiciously like your best friend comes into your dormitory and knows your name and then expects you to just not mention it to anyone,' Remus said. 'Five galleons saying that Sirius will tell the first person he sees.'

'I'm not betting against that. I'm a complete retard in this,' Sirius said. 'So you're probably right.'

**Sirius nodded and turned away. **

Peter pushed Sirius's hand away. 'FOR SURPRISE BUTTSEX!'

'Why, Peter?' Remus said. 'Why?'

**In these moments, Stagman grabbed the glasses off the nightstand and put them on, and stripped off his tights and extra underwear. **

'If the author makes me fall for that, I'll cry,' Sirius said. 'Is that _all _there is to Stagman? I honestly don't recognize James without his glasses on?'

'_And _in gold tights. Maybe they blinded you,' Remus said.

´Maybe you're just an idiot,' said James.

**When Sirius turned around again, James Potter was standing there in the Stagman T-shirt most Hogwarts students had in honour of the great hero.**

'Now I'm a fanboy of myself,' James said. 'And suddenly I'm just James again?'

'What's up with that? I thought I was his secret identity,' said Remus. 'Now I'm disappointed in myself and I'm not even in this story!'

'**Whoa! Prongs! You'll never believe what just happened!' Sirius said. 'Stagman was here!'**

'It's official: I have no brains,' Sirius said. 'Not here, anyway. "Don't tell anyone." "Oi, Prongs, guess what!" I hate to think what else this author thinks I do.'

'**No, really?' James said, feigning surprise. 'Unbelievable!'**

'Sirius has known for years and just helps me keep my identity a secret,' James said. 'It's the _only _logical explanation for this.'

'That still isn't logical, but we'll go with it anyway,' said Remus.

'I think it's sweet how you keep searching for logic,' Peter said. 'How, no matter what these authors throw at you, you stay strong and keep believing in a bigger power that will make everything okay again. I admire that.'

'Peter, it's a shitty story, not something like exams or the end of the world,' Lily said. 'It's not _that _weighty a matter.'

'**That's what I said! Isn't it the coolest thing ever? Stagman, Prongs! Stagman!'**

'I basically just _told _myself who Stagman is. I agree with you, Prongs: I'm either in the know or _so _stupid that I differentiate myself from this person who pretends to be Sirius Black.'

'**Yes… I… it is remarkable.' James hoped he could just get into bed, **

Peter gave James and Sirius a pointed look.

**but Sirius had to choose this night **

Here Peter didn't even have to look. Sirius and James both averted their eyes and looked at the ceiling and floor respectively.

**to become perceptive.**

'I really hate subtext,' Sirius said under his breath.

'**Where have you been all night?' he said, **

'"Were you with another man?"' Peter said. '"Is that it? Is he handsomer than I am? Don't you love me anymore, James?" Oh, come on!' He looked at his annoyed friends. 'Read that sentence and tell me it's not about a woman scorned in love! Except that Sirius is the woman. Which is rather fitting, with his hands and hair and all that. Sorry,' he said, when Sirius glared at him.

**squinting at James. **

'"Taking in his handsome features, oh, how Sirius wished he could be - "'

'_Silencio_.'

Sirius looked at Remus, surprised. 'Thanks, Moony.'

'No problem.' Remus put his wand away again. 'It's bad enough reading this – Peter doesn't have to _add _subtext.'

'**And don't tell me you had patrol, Lily said you didn't.'**

'I'm the other woman,' Lily said. 'I sense how jealous Sirius is of me.'

'If you start taking over Peter's role, we _will _Silence you as well,' said Sirius. 'You're just Prongs's One True Love and I am mentioning it to you. I'm sure that what follows is an account of how much he loves you and cannot live without you, thereby annulling _all _possible homoerotic subtext found earlier in this story.'

'Yes, that, or I'm the other woman.'

'Indeed.'

**Ah, Lily. **

'It actually says "Ah, Lily"?' Remus said. 'Like a sigh of love?'

'Or a sigh of hopelessness,' said James.

**The girl James had been in love with from the moment he first clasped eyes on her. **

'Okay, so, James might be in love with Lily,' Peter said, having lifted the Silence Charm, 'But maybe his alter ego Stagman isn't! Maybe he's secretly gay and needs his superhero persona to – Fine, I'll stop!'

**How often he wished he could tell her who he really was, **

'That would be weird, seeing as I'm your secret identity,' Lily said.

**how much good he had done – **

'Hoping that she'd give him a chance, oh, woe is him, how will he survive without his lady love?' Sirius said. 'I wish we still had alcohol; this would be a True Love ™ shot.'

'Only because you _made _it about our True Love ™,' said James. 'In the story it's still about how I'm saving the world. You're just trying to make us drunk on alcohol that isn't even here!'

**but she could never know. **

'So all those times he asked me out in earlier years were just decoys!' Lily said. 'So I wouldn't find out he secretly loved me!'

'_Or…_' Peter started, but he knew he didn't have to finish this thought when everyone else groaned.

**She'd find someone else one day, he hoped, **

'Like Siobhan,' said Sirius. 'You'd make a great couple, Lily.'

**someone who would take care of her **

Lily narrowed her eyes. 'As if I need that. Even if we assume, just for now, that I'm not a vampire and demon huntress, I can _still _take care of myself, thank you very much. I don't need someone in _tights _to help me.'

**and love her when James couldn't. **

'_This _would be the True Love ™ shot,' James said.

'**Oh, just about,' James said. 'I didn't think you'd notice.'**

'To be fair, James _does _sound like someone who's been cheating,' Remus said.

'**Well, I did.'**

**James laughed uncomfortably. 'Well, I didn't really expect the Spanish Inquisition **

'Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!' Lily said.

James, Sirius and Peter all looked at her in confusion, but Remus just shook his head. 'No, Lily. I'm sorry to tell you this, but _everyone _expected the Spanish Inquisition. They gave you a thirty days' notice.'

Lily felt as if someone had kicked her in the stomach. 'Remus! You just – my whole life is a lie! People expected the Spanish Inquisition? What's next, you're going to tell me that the Castle of Aaargh doesn't exist, either?'

'I have no idea what they're talking about,' Sirius said.

**just because I was gone for a while. Why, what did you think I did? **

'That you slept with someone else,' Peter said. 'Isn't it obvious from his hurt expression?'

**That I'm secretly Stagman and was fighting evil just now?'**

'How stupid _are _we in this story?' James said. 'Just… on a scale of one to ten, shouldn't we be in the infinite numbers by now?'

'**No, of course not,' Sirius said. 'It's just that Lily was searching for you. I think she likes you, mate. **

'But isn't that dangerous for her?' Peter said. 'Isn't it safer to go for Sirius, who might be Stagman's biggest enemy, but who is also the only one strong enough to survive the lovemaking?'

**You should make some work of that. She could be the deer to your stag, right? **

Lily got a glassy look in her eyes. 'If… completely theoretically speaking… but if you had sex with a deer, _could _you make baby deer?'

James blinked. 'I don't know. I guess so. It's not something I plan on trying out. Making baby deer isn't exactly… I'd rather just have sex with you. As a human.'

**And then you'd make Bambi!'**

'Or Harry Potter, Evil-fighting Awesomeness made corporeal,' said James. 'I prefer that over Bambi.'

'**Bambi?' James said, his face blank.**

'**Moony told me about it. **

'You talk about Bambi?' Lily said.

'I even watched it,' said Sirius. 'Heartbreaking.'

**A baby deer. Stag. I don't know.' Sirius shrugged. 'Let's just go to bed, mate. **

'Okay, it's not subtext anymore,' Peter said. 'That right there? It made it real. According to the fic, at least Sirius is gay.'

**Ah, man, I saw Stagman! Maybe I could become his helper when I've finished Hogwarts…'**

'And that's the end of this beautiful tale,' Lily said. 'It is… definitely interesting. Wonderful imagery. Weird, possibly absent subtext that Peter found nevertheless. I think I daresay I've never read anything like it.' She smiled absentmindedly as she leafed through the pages again, until…

'Oi! There's a new _Ariana Riddle!_'

* * *

**A/N: My Word didn't know the word 'Stagman'. It knew the word 'Swagman'. Oh, how Remus would've cried if that had been James's superhero name… Also, the idea for a James-as-a-superhero comes from TheWriterofAwesomeness. And to answer one reviewer's question: Siobhan is an OC. (:  
**


	50. Ariana Riddle VII

'Let me read,' Remus said. 'I hate her the most; it's my prerogative.'

**In the weeks that followed Ariana **

'There should be a comma there, author,' Remus said. 'Now it sounds like the weeks are following Ariana.'

'Possibly while armed with Sporks,' Lily said. 'Even Time itself wants to end her Sueness.'

**got used to life at Hogwarts. **

'So we won't hear anything about her reaction after she _fainted and had a prophecy that said she would fight Voldemort?_' James said. 'That's not important enough?'

'No, darling. It was just so we could be reminded of how special and talented she is,' Lily said. 'The actual _plot _probably won't come around until the last two chapters, when it's dealed with easily and prettily and she can be lauded as Saviour of the World. Until then, we'll probably just get a lot of romance and filler.'

'You know a _lot _about standard Sue fic,' Peter said suspiciously.

Lily shrugged. 'It fascinates me.'

**She worried a lot about the prophecy, **

'That's good to know. So would I, if I were destined to destroy one of the darkest Wizards of all time,' said Remus. 'Good to see she doesn't take her responsibility lightly. With her, you're never sure.'

**but it was impossible to worry about anything when you were around Sirius. **

'There are a _lot _of things you can worry about when around Sirius,' said Remus. 'Personal safety, your reputation as a non-paedophiliac straight man, world hunger…'

**With his incredibly good looks, quick wit and constant energy, **

' – he was a danger to everyone around him,' said James. 'Author, we know you fancy him, you can stop mentioning it.'

'You're just jealous.' Sirius flipped his hair. 'You wish you had that many Mary Sues chasing after you because of your sexiness.'

**it was difficult not to love him. **

'It isn't,' Lily said.

Sirius looked shocked. 'What? Evans! I thought you loved me like the brother you never had, the knight who never came to save you -' He frowned. 'Sorry, that came out wrong.'

'I'm not saying _I _don't love you,' she said. 'Just that _others _might not always fall head over heels in love with you the moment they see you, silly as it sounds.'

'I don't believe you,' Sirius said. 'I'm as close to a Mary Sue as you can get in real life, without being obnoxious.' He paused for a moment. 'Okay, maybe I'm a _little _bit obnoxious…'

**Ariana soon found herself thinking about him all the time, wondering what it would be like to kiss him. **

'Painful, because I'd slap her in the face with a Spork,' said Sirius. 'But you can always try, Ari.'

**Of course, she would never dare to – **

'That's a shame. I was looking forward to it,' said Peter.

**he was a Gryffindor, she was a Slytherin… **

'Why do people keep having minority complexes about their Houses? Yes, it sucks being in Slytherin, but dammit, my mum was there and she married my dad, didn't she?' James crossed his arms, miffed. 'The reason he won't go out with you is because you're an insufferable Mary Sue, not because you're a Slytherin!'

**And what was that big black dog doing in her dreams?**

'How did we get to that subject?' said Remus. 'Just… that was just tagged on to the rest of that paragraph. What is Sirius's Animagus form doing in her dreams and more importantly, _what is it doing here in the narrative?!_'

**Of course, Tiffany was still mean to her. **

'And rightly so,' said Lily.

**Ariana was scared to death **

'I assume that is a metaphor and that we won't _actually _have the pleasure of having Ariana die,' said Sirius. 'But I will keep hoping.'

**that she, or her little minions Petunia and Mary, would find out about Ariana's big secret. **

'What is her secret?' said Peter.

'She was born as Arnold,' said Sirius. 'Her parents were aliens from planet Sue. She's not a natural blonde. When you hit the back of her head, her face falls off. She's secretly married to Snivellus. She's gay. She's a man _and _gay!'

**Ariana was sure Sirius wouldn't even look at her **

'Damn right you are!'

**if he knew where she came from. **

'She's a gay man from Wales? Yugh.'

**She would die if Sirius didn't talk to her anymore.**

Sirius closed his eyes. 'Please, fanfiction!Sirius, make this not a hyperbole, please don't let this be a hyperbole. Stop talking to her. You can do it, you can kill the Sue like that, I know you can!'

**Another person who got on her nerves was Lily Evans. **

'You're a star, Lily,' James said. 'Even when you're in a horrible story like this, you still manage to be amazing.'

She smiled. 'Thanks. I try to be my best, even in fanfiction.'

**As if it wasn't bad enough to see how Lily treated James – **

'Yes, it's horrible how she treats me,' James said. 'All the snogging and hugging and attention, how will I survive?'

'I think you haven't reached that stage yet, at least not in the story,' said Remus. 'Remember when Lily shocked Ariana by rejecting you ever so cruelly?'

'Because what girl would ever reject a man when he asks her?' Lily rolled her eyes. 'I had perfectly legitimate reasons for rejecting James. And now I have even better reasons for not rejecting him.'

'Are those reasons, by any chance, in Prongs's trousers?' Sirius said.

She kicked him. 'No.'

**teasing him and then rejecting him, time after time – her bitchiness to other people **

'I'm not a bitch. Yes, I can be self-righteous, and stuck-up and a bit of a hypocrite, but I'm _not _a bitch. I'm a nice person. Aren't I?'

'The best,' James said.

'After me, that is,' said Sirius.

She nodded. 'Naturally.'

**was enough to show Ariana that Lily _had _to be deposited. **

'Deposited?' Peter said.

'As Hogwarts Queen,' said Sirius. 'Still don't know what she meant by that.'

**Ariana had to end the Hogwarts Monarchy; **

'How can I be the head of Hogwarts Monarchy? Just _how_?'

'Rule of Drama made this possible,' said Remus. 'Rule of Sense didn't have much to do with it.'

**it was the only way to stop these girls from being so terrible. **

'I'm only terrible to Mary Sues,' Lily muttered. 'They deserve it!'

'**Hello Ariana,' Sirius greeted her **

'Oh, really? I thought he was replying to a question, or maybe asking something,' Remus said. 'If someone says "Hey", we _know _he's greeting someone else! Bloody dialogue tag abuse.'

**on one Tuesday afternoon at the end of September. **

'So we just skipped almost an entire month,' Peter said. 'That has to be the worst time transition thus far…'

**He grinned as he looked at her. If Ariana had had any experience with boys, **

'Because she doesn't, you know,' Lily said. 'She's pure and virginal and waiting for her True Love that isn't trademarked because it's not as True as mine!'

**she would've recognized that grin for what it was – **

'A slasher smile, on a man who was about to Spork her into the new millennium,' Sirius said.

**the grin of a boy who liked her a lot. **

'Ah, shit. I prefer my version.'

**But Ariana never thought anyone could be interested in her, **

'Because deep down, she knew she was an unlikeable girl,' said James. 'It's a sad truth she still had to acknowledge to herself.'

**not when she shared a room with the gorgeous Tiffany, or when mean-but-pretty girls like Lily Evans were still at school.**

'So looks are all that matter to boys,' Lily said. 'She just made an entire sex superficial, just so she could be faux-modest.'

'You whore,' Sirius said to Ariana.

'Exactly!'

'**Hi Sirius,' she murmured shyly, **

'GAH! I _hate _that dialogue tag!' Remus's hands twitched. 'And she _keeps using it! _I know she murmurs shyly! Stop going _on _about it!'

**blushing a bit. **

'Because she's shy and demure and pure, don't forget that,' Lily said, hatred dripping off her voice.

**It made her even prettier, **

Lily's nostrils flared, but she didn't say anything, opting to send hateful vibes to the book instead.

**reminding Sirius of a damsel, **

'Just before she was eaten by the giant dragon, oh what a shame,' Sirius said.

**or maybe a princess **

'That's bad,' James said.

'It gets worse,' said Remus.

**fairy **

'A fairy princess? Talk about overkill,' said Peter.

'We're not there yet,' said Remus.

**elf. **

'This author is so fascinating,' said Sirius. 'All that shit, in so few words…'

'**Ariana, how are you today?' he murmured, **

'NO! I hate that dialogue, too!' Sirius said. 'Don't use it for me!'

**as he reached out and held her hand. **

'Yugh, Sue germs,' James said. 'Make sure you don't get infected, Padfoot.'

'**I haven't seen you that much today…'**

'Because I was saving you!' said Lily. 'I tried to protect you from her bad influence, but she was just too Sueish even for me to withstand!'

**He hadn't; **

'Good. I thought he'd been lying,' said Peter. 'If he says that, we'll assume it's true, author.'

**Ariana had had to stay in detention after **

'- she was outed as the Sue she was,' said Remus.

**Tiffany had made it seem like Ariana had hexed one of their classmates. **

'Tiffany, you're the best,' Sirius said. 'I adore you, even though you're one-dimensional.'

'**I know,' she whispered. 'Tiffany did… something. **

'Now it just sounds like she and Tiffany did some experimenting together and Ariana is indeed gay, but afraid of her feelings,' said Peter, shaking his head.

'How does he _see _that?' Lily said to James.

**I don't want to talk about it.' She averted her eyes out of shame, but he held her chin gently in his hand and forced her to look up at him.**

'Oh no. I can see where this is going. Run, fanfiction!me! RUN!'

'**Ariana, you are a thousand times the woman Tiffany is,' he vowed. **

'She's a thousand times the _Sue _Tiffany is…'

'**You're so beautiful, **

'Men _are _that superficial in this story,' said Remus. 'Ariana is better than Tiffany? The first thing Sirius assures her of is her beauty. Not her courage or her loyalty or her good sense of humour, but her beauty.'

'Well, she started with his beauty as well, when she said why she liked him so much,' said Peter. 'So women are just as bad.'

**so sweet, **

'Like _when? _She's a little bitch,' said Remus.

**so funny, **

'Has she said anything funny?' said Peter. 'Because if she did, I don't remember it.'

**so intelligent – **

'I think we can just say that this is a very bad case of "Tell, don't show". If you want us to believe something like this – like how funny Ariana is – then show it. Show her saying something funny. If she's really that sweet, show her helping someone,' Remus said. 'Don't just _say _she is, _show _it!'

**Tiffany has no idea to be any of those things. **

'She just does it naturally,' said Peter. 'Helping the world get rid of a Sue like yourself…'

**She is just jealous of your perfection.' **

'Maybe this story is just mocking Sue clichés,' said James. 'Either that, or she's a _really _bad Mary Sue…'

**He caressed her cheek with his thumb **

' - and then smacked her in the face?'

**and Ariana felt a wave of love go through her.**

'In other words, she got horny,' said James.

Peter frowned. 'I don't know, James. Maybe she really just loves him.'

James's jaw dropped. 'Am I seeing subtext where you don't? Shit. I need some brain bleach…'

'**Oh, Sirius,' she sighed. 'I just don't know what to do. **

'I do: Die!' Sirius said. 'Die! Die! Die!'

**I don't want her to hate me. **

'But she has no choice, seeing as I'm such a Sue… Oh, woe is me,' said Lily.

**I just want us to get along…'**

'Which I showed to you by making her clothes magically disappear from her bed,' said Lily.

'**Ariana, when you're as beautiful as you are, you will always have enemies. People will _always _begrudge you that beauty, **

'Okay, the entire world is superficial,' said James. 'That's mildly depressing.'

**but you mustn't let them get you down. Remember, Ariana, that I will always be here for you. **

'Ready to attack you with a Spork the instant you become too bad,' said Sirius. 'I'll be right behind you. _Right _behind you…'

**All of us Marauders are, but I…' **

´… have been abused the worst by you and therefore am allowed the first Spork.´

**He let her go and looked away, embarrassed by how much he'd let her know already.**

´The Sporking Plan was supposed to be a secret,' said Peter. ´Now he had no choice but to Spork her immediately!'

**It was true. **

'We know! I already yelled at you for this,' said Peter.

**For the first time in his life, Sirius Black was in love. **

'With myself? Please make me in love with myself,' said Sirius. 'Or even Lily, or Remus, for that matter. Anyone other than Ariana…'

**Every waking moment, Ariana was in his mind, **

'Only because I want to Spork her, dammit!'

**her beauty warming him from within. **

'In other words, he had a boner,' said James.

'No, Prongs, that's not there!' said Peter. 'You suck at spotting subtext.'

**Never had he imagined he could feel that way. **

'Luckily, he soon discovered wanking and the problem was solved,' said James.

**The first moment he'd seen her had been as if **

'- he'd been hit in the face by a Sue?' Sirius said.

**everything that made him to who he was – his love for his friends, his loyalty to his House, the hatred for his enemies, his home, his name, his _self _– disconnected and let him float into space. **

'So, in short, everything I thought was important wasn't anymore,' said Sirius. 'How big is this girl's megalomania? The moment I see a hot chick, my friends aren't important anymore? Even Prongs isn't that bad, and he's the hopeless romantic of our sorry lot.'

'Yes, but I'm not a Mary Sue,' said Lily. 'I never expected him to make me literally the centre of his universe. It would just be weird and overwhelming and unpleasant.'

**All that mattered was the small, **

'Because heaven forbid that she'd be fat,' said Peter.

**delicate girl he was now talking to. He would do anything for her, **

'I'd kill myself if that made her go away,' said Sirius.

'She'd just use her Sueperpowers to bring you back and be with her forever and ever and ever and _ever!_' James said. 'You'll never be free of her!'

**become anything she wanted for her. **

'Sirius would become anything she wanted?' Lily said. 'Author, that isn't romantic. There's a difference between changing a bit for your lover, become a better person because of your love. If Sirius was now a self-centred arsehole and Ariana's love made him think more of others, that would be character development and _good_. If he is willing to become – I don't know – a bookish boy who listens to Mozart just to please her, that _isn't _good. You shouldn't change your whole personality just so someone else will like you!' She shook her head and shuddered. 'This, combined with the fact that this author _can't _write anything humorous and the above text saying his sense of self was less important than Ariana… It makes me wonder if this author has any idea what a normal relationship is supposed to be like. She should like him because of who he is _now_, she shouldn't think "I'd love him if he were someone different!", because then he wouldn't be Sirius anymore!'

'Wow,' said Peter, blinking. 'That was a _long _rant.'

'Because it really bugs me. If we take, say, James. If he'd changed into a musician just because he thought I liked that, it wouldn't be good, because I'd never really love him, just who I thought he was. Whereas when our True Love ™ inspired him to become a better person would count as character development in a story. Or when he decided to take up… ballroom dancing because he knows I like it, or something like that. Small changes for one another: good. Complete personality change: bad. It's not love.'

'Right. Let's just continue,' said Sirius.

**He could only hope that one day she'd feel the same about him, **

'Lily, here I have to say: if Ariana would become anything for me, I could de-Sueify her,' said Sirius.

'Yes, and she wouldn't be Ariana anymore! If you de-Sueify her, nothing of her will be left. That would be a blessing, true,' Lily admitted, 'but it wouldn't be love. And that's what she's trying to show us: love.'

**though of course she could never guess the depth of his love.**

'That's not romantic, it just makes it sound like they hardly know each other,' said Lily. 'Gah!'

**Ariana felt something was wrong. **

'It was her face,' said Peter.

'Good one, Wormy,' James said.

**Afraid it was her fault, **

'Which it was,' said Sirius.

**she whispered, **

'So softly that nobody heard her, and there was much rejoicing,' said Remus.

'We'll never get through this story if you keep adding those things,' said James.

'We're just putting in the parts that the author forgot to wrote down,' Sirius said. 'We're doing her a favour. Ariana _would _whisper very softly – she's very shy, remember? She's shy. Have we mentioned she's shy already? Because she is.'

'Sirius, you sound like me.' Lily looked worried. 'Don't start sounding like me. James might start fancying you.'

'What, Prongs gigs on you commenting on bad stories?' Sirius said.

James scratched his neck. 'Well… you can't deny that it's sexy when she gets all worked up and then delivers a speech like that…' He shrugged awkwardly. 'I guess I just like intelligent women?'

'You have some weird kinks, Prongs.' Sirius grinned. 'Getting turned on by Lily ranting… Well, it explains why you chased her for so long…'

'**Sirius? Is something the matter? **

'Yes, your _face_, didn't you listen?' Peter said.

**Did I do something wrong?'**

'Hooo, boy,' said Remus. 'Where shall we start, dear Ariana?'

'With her face,' said Peter.

'**Of course you didn't, Ariana!' he exclaimed. **

'Why can't I be a Scary Sue?' Sirius's shoulders slumped. 'This is the ultimate Scary Sue opening, isn't it? Where is Tiffany when you need her?'

'**You're perfect. **

'Please,' Remus scoffed. 'A perfect example of how _not to write_, perhaps.'

**How could you ever do anything wrong? **

'By breathing?' Peter said.

Remus grinned and read ahead. 'Oh. Sirius. I'm so sorry for what's following.'

**I love you. **

'Nooooooooooo!'

'We already knew you did,' Lily said, rubbing her hand along his arm. 'You're just saying it now. Maybe she'll reject fanfiction!you.'

**I love you more than life itself! **

'Only in the sense that I'm willing to give my life to stay away from you! Why do you have to do this to me, you with your evil Sueness?' Sirius buried his face with his hands and shook back and forth. 'Why is it always me? Curse these good looks and fine bone structure!'

**That's what's the matter!'**

'At least you're acknowledging it's wrong to love her,' Peter said.

'**Oh, Sirius, I love you too!' **

'Noooooooooo! Leave me alone!'

**Ariana felt elated, like she was floating on a pink cloud. **

'But then the cloud disappeared and she fell down and _died_!' Sirius said. 'And left me alone, dammit!'

**She kissed Sirius **

'NO! No, stop it, no! No! I won't have it, dammit! I won't!'

**and the kiss was like **

'DEATH BY SPORKS!'

**heaven in a way that a Transfiguration exam is not. **

'Are you fucking kidding me?' James said. 'What drugs is this author _on_?'

**Every cell in her being screamed **

'WITH PAIN!'

'Padfoot, calm down,' said James. 'It's almost finished. Isn't it?' He looked at Remus, who nodded.

**to be closer to Sirius, **

'Come a little bit closer, my child,' Peter said. 'So you can better see my Spork…'

'I'd eat her if I had to,' said Sirius. 'Anything to make her go away.'

**to feel him close to her, to kiss every inch of him – **

'Well, at least she'll give you a blowjob,' said James. 'So she's good for something.'

'**WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU MOTHERFUKERS?!'**

Sirius straightened up at that sentence. 'Wait. That sounds… familiar. Why does that sound familiar?'

'I don't know,' said Peter. 'I remember it, too, but…'

**Ariana gasped. It was… Tiffany!**

'TIFFANY, I LOVE YOU! Please Spork her, please, please!'

'Maybe it's time we went for dinner,' Remus said slowly. 'He'll feel better when he's had something to eat, right?'

'Probably,' said James. 'I know I would…'

'Shall we do another one after dinner?' said Peter, getting up and stretching his legs after sitting in one attitude for so long.

James shook his head. 'I've got Quidditch practice planned. You lot can go on without me, though…'

'We'll see if Sirius can handle it,' said Remus. 'C'mon, let's go.'

* * *

**A/N: In reply to a guest review: Siobhan is pronounced Shiv-ohn (more or less). Alternate spellings are, according to Thinkbabynames, Chavonne, ****Chevonne**, Chivon, Chyvonne, Shavaun, Shavon, **Shavonne**, Shervan, Shevon, Shevonne, Shirvaun, Shivahn, Shivaun, Shovonne, Shyvonne, Sh'vonne, Sioban, Siobahn, Siobhian and Syvonne, if that helps anything with how to pronounce it. I didn't know it either until a character in _Ringer _was called Siobhan and I discovered that name was AWESOME.


	51. Family Business II

**A/N: In reply to a review: no, there won't be non-Companionized chapters. In all chapters they will read a story from the Companion, because that's what this story is about. I used this as an excuse to not make a plot, so I should be consistent. And no, the physical appearance of the please won't make any difference!**

* * *

'Have fun,' Lily said, kissing James again. 'And be nice to the team.'

'I'm always nice to them,' he said.

'Having them train in the pouring rain is _not _nice. The poor souls looked like drowned puppies when they came back.'

He grinned and pressed a quick kiss to her lips. 'I'm cruel to be kind, darling. They'll forgive me when we win the Cup. And now I really have to go, before I'm late. ' He kissed her again and then hurried off.

Lily went back to the Gryffindor Common Room. When she couldn't find the Marauders there, she decided to give their dormitory a look. She secretly hoped they wouldn't be there either, because already she had a large pile of homework waiting for her, but alas! Sirius, Remus and Peter were there, huddled around the Companion. It seemed like she had no choice but to postpone her research on fourteenth century treatments for dragon pox. What a shame.

'Evans!' Sirius said. 'We weren't expecting you.'

'Nobody expects me. What are you lot reading?' She sat down cross-legged next to Remus.

Peter quickly slammed the book shut. 'Oh, nothing. Just one of those wacky stories.'

'A… ha…' She raised her eyebrows, but none of the boys met her gaze, so she decided to let the subject drop. Some things were better left in the dark. 'So is this a bad time? Because I can go and pretend to be responsible, if that's necessary.'

'No, stay,' said Remus. 'We were thinking of reading the new part of _Family Business_ – remember that story where Sirius suddenly had that incredibly rude sister?'

'Shouldn't we wait for James?' Lily said.

'He can catch up later,' said Sirius. 'I want to know what's happening to Miss "My life is so hard because I'm a Black" Black. Who knows, maybe someone will tell her she needs to start taking her life in her own hands, discover her hidden homosexuality and move to France with a woman named Berenice.'

'I doubt that will happen, but we can always hope,' said Lily.

'Exactly. Shall I read?' Peter cleared his throat and started the story.

**A week passed in which Danaë hardly spoke to anyone. **

'Because she was too good for the mere mortals,' said Lily. 'Only the handsomest of the handsome men are allowed to talk to her, but they think she's a petty bitch and tell her to sod off. Oh, how hard her life is!'

**She was used to that and the silence didn't bother her as much as it used to. **

'If it bothered her once, why didn't she _do _something about it?' said Sirius. 'Okay, I get it if you don't want to talk too much in our house, because my parents are better when they aren't heard, but she's at Hogwarts most of the time! People there are nice, they're fun to talk to, why are you such a lonely, pathetic person?!'

**She often saw James and he would **

'Spork her,' said Lily.

'I think it's more likely he winked at her, trying to convey his attraction to her, but afraid of his own feelings,' said Peter. 'You mustn't forget how bravely he saved her last chapter. That is because James might be daring in the face of danger, but grows weak in his knees when a girl is around.'

Lily was not impressed. 'Are we talking about the same James? Because James was _never _weak in the knees when I was around, unless I'd used a Jellylegs Jinx.'

**smile at her, **

'Wondering: _Why is that crazy chick still staring at me?_' Remus said. 'After that first week, he got tired of it and filed a restraint order.'

**but he never came up to talk. **

'Well, neither do you, so don't become all sad and mopey,' said Sirius. 'If you want to talk to Prongs, then by all means, go ahead. You see him all the time, he's smiling at you, that's an opening for a conversation! I hate it when girls think all the initiative has to come from our side. I mean, that way, boys like Remus will _never _get laid!'

'I thought I was shagging Siobhan in your novel – how does that work?' said Remus.

'She drags you into a broom closet and starts snogging you. I'm serious!' he said. 'I could hardly have you come up with her, say "I must have had some Felix Felicis, because I think I'm about to get lucky" and then get it on. You'd be too much out of character.'

**Not when her brother was only a few feet away from them, **

'Meaning James would be deterred from making verbal love to a lady just because of me?' said Sirius. 'Ha! If that were true, Lily wouldn't be sitting here.'

**eyeing them like a hawk.**

**One day, she found herself in the library sitting across Lily Evans. **

'Seeing as she's going to be shagging my boyfriend in this, I suppose this is the moment where the smallness of my chest will be mentioned compared to her buxomness,' said Lily, sounding a bit bored.

**She took this moment to take in Lily, **

'And was _stunned _by the girl's beauty,' said Peter.

Lily smiled at him. 'Thanks, Wormy.'

**see what James liked so much about her. **

'We'll start with the hair, then the eyes, apparently the fact that she's good at _ranting_…'

Sirius, Remus and Peter grinned at each other.

'Oh, how often we have heard all those things,' said Remus. 'See how many this author gets right.'

**Lily's kindness and patience were legendary, **

'Why, thank you.'

'There must be a catch,' said Peter. 'There always is. You think there's finally a story where they like you, and the next moment you're molested by Dumbledore. Just you wait, Lily.'

**but Danaë had a feeling that her beautiful, fiery red hair and sexy smile also had a lot to do with catching James's heart. **

'So basically I'm nice and beautiful? I can't deny that I forgive the author a lot,' said Lily. 'She knows how to stroke my ego, even if it is through the means of a Mary Sue who is trying to get into my boyfriend's pants.'

**During Danaë's scrutiny, **

Peter smirked. 'Oh, could it be that Danaë has a crush on Lily? I think I spot some subtext here…'

'Wormtail, this girl still wants to please my parents. Lily would… although… that _would _be an interesting twist, wouldn't it?' Sirius said. 'She's a Black so she has to fit this picture our parents have, but she's in love with a Muggle-born _girl_… she might even get disowned… '

'Let me guess: it's going into your novel?' said Remus.

'Definitely. I just have to make up a family member. Maybe I'll even use Danaë, in a nicer version of herself.'

**Lily looked up from her essay and smiled at the girl. 'Is something wrong?' she said, **

'Oh, see how nice I am,' Lily said. 'Asking the poor, friendless girl about her problems. I'm too good for that world.'

**placing her feather on the desk like she was getting ready for a long talk.**

'Or maybe you just want to hear some gossipy goodness,' said Peter. 'I knew there was a catch. You're a lesbian gossiper, Lily. Just admit it.'

**Danaë shook her head, instantly nervous. **

'Oh, the _subtext_!'

'**No, not at all,' she murmured, turning her attention to her work.**

'Nobody's going to help you if you don't even want to help yourself,' said Remus. 'She's offering to help you – why not accept it?'

'Because then she won't have sufficient cause for wangst anymore,' said Lily. 'Well, apart from her undying love for James, of course, but seeing as I'm sure he loves her more than life itself, even that will probably be resolved within two chapters.'

'**Hey, you're Sirius's sister, aren't you?' Lily said softly, reaching out to touch Danaë's hand over the table. **

'You have to admit, Lily, that right there…' Peter said.

She looked at him, slightly disturbed. 'Peter, touching someone doesn't necessarily mean that you're sexually interested in that person. I touch people all the time and I don't mean anything by it. Maybe you should… have… a chat with Madam Pomfrey some day.'

'**Are you sure nothing is wrong? Maybe I can help you.'**

'How noble you are, Lily, putting up with a Sue like her,' said Remus. 'I hope you have a Spork hidden underneath your clothes.'

**Danaë blushed. 'Why would you want that?'**

'Because she's a Mary Sue character now,' said Sirius. 'I'm sorry, Lily, I think that's the catch. You can't be nice in this story without turning into a Sue yourself.'

'Then, by Merlin, I hope fanfiction!you Sporks me before I get too bad.'

'**Well, I am a Head Girl, so it's kind of my job. And you look so lonely…' **

'Bullshit, Lily. Fanficton!you just wants to get into her pants,' said Peter. 'Trust me on this.'

'Because you were so right when you noticed there was loads of gay subtext between James and Sirius in _Stagman_, you mean?' Lily said. 'Sorry, Peter, but I've stopped taking your subtext warnings very seriously.'

**Danaë nodded, her eyes stinging from unexpected tears. 'I am…'**

'… pathetic?' said Sirius. 'Spineless? Whiny? Annoying?'

'I think she means "lonely,"' said Remus. 'But all the others apply as well.'

'**Why don't you pack up your stuff and we'll go for a walk,' said Lily, putting her own book into her bag. 'I find it's always easier to talk about your problems when you're mobile, don't you agree?'**

'"Mobile" being a euphemism for "shagging,"' said Peter. 'Just thought I'd say it. And don't look at me like that – trust me when I tell you about subtext. I might've been wrong a couple of times, but this is just so _blatant_…'

Lily just stared at him. 'You know, I'm really starting to wonder how you saw our relationship all these years. Because we talk while walking, too, and I don't notice any subtext between us…'

**After they'd cleared their stuff away, Danaë followed Lily. **

'- down to the dungeons, where she was Sporked,' said Sirius.

'And they were forced to eat her,' said Remus.

'And there was much rejoicing,' Lily and Remus said in unison.

'A killer bunny _would _make this story better, wouldn't it?' Lily said.

**They went outside; the weather was lovely, and they weren't the only ones enjoying the sun. Far away, **

' – Danaë could see sunlight glinting off a raised Spork,' said Sirius. 'The cry "FOR WRITING!" was heard all over the grounds, deafening her with the passion that sang out of their despair… ' He shook his head. 'Sorry, that was awful. I don't know why I said that. Must be my badfic-author mode taking over for a sec.'

**Danaë could see the Quidditch pitch. She wondered if James was there, practicing for the oncoming Quidditch season. **

'This is so weird,' said Peter. 'Like she knows James is on the field right now! Maybe this is canon as well! Maybe this is happening _right now!_'

'**So, what's the matter?' Lily said as they walked by the Lake. **

'"People were mean to me,"' said Sirius. '"They didn't want to play with me! They're such _meanies_!"'

'Yes, that sounds like a Black,' said Remus.

'Piss off, Moony.'

'**I'm just… I don't know,' Danaë said. 'I don't have any friends?'**

'And whose fault is that?' Sirius said. 'Oh, right, _yours_.'

**Lily nodded. 'That does sound rather shitty.'**

'Even as a Sue, I make sense,' Lily said. 'This is turning me into such a narcissist in real life.'

'**It is,' Danaë admitted.**

'**You know, Danaë, you remind me a lot of **

'- an annoying mosquito that just keeps flying around your head when you're trying to sleep, and that wants attention _so badly_ but doesn't know how to convey it, so it just keeps on buzzing in your ear,' said Sirius. 'Am I close to what the author said?'

**myself **

'I wouldn't describe myself as a mosquito,' said Lily.

**when I was younger.' **

'That might be true, though. I'm an advanced Sue in this, having succeeded in life already, whereas Danaë still needs to learn how to become the most popular and loved person,' said Lily. 'Right now, I'm the Head Sue there. I actually out-Sue the main Sue.'

'Just wait until you become Scary,' said Sirius. 'Like with Ariana.'

**Lily grinned when Danaë looked completely flabbergasted. **

´As opposed to only _mildly _flabbergasted,´ said Remus. ´Words mean something, author.´

'**I had difficulty finding friends, too, when I came here. **

´Ah… no, I didn't, actually. I had Sev and great roommates… And I certainly didn't have this problem in _fifth _year!'

**I thought nobody would want to be my friend, **

'Even though I already had one…'

**what with me being a Muggle-born and all.'**

Lily couldn't say anything about that. That _had _been a legitimate concern back when she'd only just arrived at Hogwarts. She wouldn't allow the author the pleasure of having something right, though. Not after all the whining of last chapter.

**_Exactly the way I feel because I'm a Black_, Danaë thought. **

'I'm not that whiny! I'm not!'

'You are now,' said Peter.

'Peter?'

'Yes?'

She smiled. 'Make a sentence out of the following words: face, your, sodding, shut. I'm _not _like Danaë, thank you very much.'

_**Was Lily just like that?**_

'No!'

'**But it's a phase you have to go through,' Lily continued. **

'In all fairness, maybe she has gone through it,' said Remus. 'She isn't half as pathetic as last chapter.'

'Lily Evans: Saver of Sues,' said Sirius. 'Turning Mary Sues into normal people since 1978!'

'**If you shy away from people, they'll never discover your good qualities. **

Lily was shocked. 'My – wow. Am I actually saying in this fanfiction what I've been telling the book all along? The author… listened to me? Am I being heard?' She looked at the ceiling.

'If you're listening: please be nicer to me!' Peter called up.

'And write me a story where Prongs is a unicorn!' said Sirius.

**I know it can be scary, and sure, you'll get rejected sometimes – **

'… maybe… maybe she's… not that much of a Sue,' said Lily. 'I mean, here I am, telling her she might be rejected. That… that doesn't happen to Mary Sues, does it? And it implies I've been rejected as well.' She choked back her fear. 'Have we… Have we labelled her a Sue without just cause?'

'I'm sorry, Danaë,' said Remus. 'We should've read more of your story, given you more of a chance. We were judgemental.'

**that happens to everyone. **

'Implying she's just like everyone else… Wow,' Sirius said. 'My sister has been de-Sued… So it _is _possible…'

'It's through the magic of lesbian love,' said Peter. 'I'm sure of it.'

**But if you never even try… **

'I love myself so much. See how much sense I make! See the sense!' Lily said, clapping her hands.

**You're such a pretty and sweet girl, I'm sure you could have loads of friends if you just tried.'**

'Well, she's a bit depressing, so I'm not too sure about that, but other than that… Lily, you just went _into _that fanfiction,' said Remus. 'You told her what we've all been thinking and you even did it in a nice way!'

'I must be divine,' said Lily. 'It's the only explanation.'

**They'd reached a lonelier place of the Hogwarts grounds; **

'We're reaching scarier parts now,' said Peter. 'After the anguished declaration of love, Lily will produce a Spork and - '

'Just tell us, Wormtail,' Sirius snapped. 'And stop about the sodding subtext. It's not there.'

**the closest people were hardly more than dots at the horizon. **

'I must've transported her there by the powers of my divinity, because otherwise I have no idea how we got so far away so fast,' said Lily. 'But in the light of the de-Suefication, I'm willing to forgive her bad time transitions.'

**Danaë sat down by the edge of the lake and took off her shoes, letting her bare feet touch the water. Next to her, Lily did the same.**

'We're even showing normal human behaviour! This is so much better than Ariana!'

'**You're probably right,' Danaë said. 'I'm just scared.'**

'I can't make Spork jokes anymore,' said Sirius. 'Shame, because that line was just _begging _for it.'

'**We all are, somewhere deep inside.'**

'_Deep _inside,' Peter muttered, and laughed.

**Danaë found that hard to believe. 'Even you?'**

'**Even me. I'm no different from you, Danaë.' Lily smiled. **

'Except that I'm divine in here, so… Still, this dialogue isn't that bad,' said Lily. 'A bit hammy and over-the-top, yes, but… She's genuinely insecure, not Mary Sue Fake Flaw insecure, and I really just want to help her. We have nice characters for a change!'

**_She's so pretty_, Danaë thought, **

'Thank you, thank you.'

'This fic is so bad for your ego,' said Remus. 'You remind me of Padfoot now.'

**unconsciously bringing her face closer to Lily's. **

'… Wait, what?' said Remus.

'Oh, I'm sure it's not subtext,' said Peter. 'It's _never _subtext, is it?'

**She closed her eyes just before her lips touched Lily's. **

'I'm kissing her? I'm – what?' Lily looked around at the boys, but they were just as surprised as she was – well, except for Peter, who was gloating.

'I didn't see this coming,' she said.

'Neither did I,' said Remus.

Sirius eyed Lily speculatively. 'Why is it, you think, that every time you're a lesbian you hook up with our female family members? First Prongs's mum, now my sister… What's next, Moony's grandmother?'

**They were so soft. Danaë felt Lily's hands in her hair and brought her own to Lily's waist. **

'Finally – lesbian porn,' said Sirius, closing his eyes.

'With your sister,' said Remus. 'And your best friend's girlfriend.'

'But _lesbian porn!_ I've been waiting for this for _ages_!'

**_She's so pretty – so sweet – _Danaë thought, drawing a trail of kisses down Lily's neck. **

'Wow. She's going… fast…' Lily said, rubbing her neck with her hand. 'I thought she was James's true love? Or me? How did we suddenly end up together?'

'**WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS?!' **

'Not again! Could it be Tiffany?' Sirius said. 'Is this going to be lesbian _threesome _porn? Oh, please, authors above, hear my prayer…'

**Danaë and Lily gasped. It was… Sirius!**

Sirius gasped as well. 'Please _don't _make that porn! That's my sister right there!'

'So, after a steady improvement, it ended with… either incest or a very weird disturbance of my lesbian sex,' said Lily. 'These authors and their synapses will never cease to amaze me.' She turned around when the door opened and James came in.

'What did I hear about lesbian sex?' he said, throwing his broom on his bed and grabbing his nearest jumper.

'I just had it with Sirius's sister,' said Lily. 'And I've become a divinity.'

'And I missed that? Damn.'

She grinned as he leaned in to kiss her. 'Wow. You're cold.'

'It's January. I was outside.'

'You could, of course, try to warm him with the heat of your love while we laugh at you,' said Sirius.

James glared at him, but Lily just rolled her eyes.

'You know, Sirius, I think that's exactly what I'm going to do,' she said. 'So I suggest you all go away for a while and leave us in peace.' She wrapped her arms around James's waist and pulled him down next to her. '_Now_,' she added, when Sirius didn't move.

He hesitated for a moment, but then he shook his head. 'No. I'm actually quite comfortable like that. I think we're going for another chapter – and there's nothing you can do to stop me!'


	52. Meeting his Mother

'Can't I at least have some time to take a shower?' said James.

'No, there's the fire of Lily's love for that. Don't be such a wanker,' said Sirius. 'Just grab a duvet and be done with it, for fuck's sake.' Ignoring the rest of the Marauders, he searched and searched, until he came across another story. 'And… we have… _Meeting his mother_ – but this time, I'm listed as a protagonist.'

'It could be a deep, angsty fic where you confront your mother after years of feeling un-loved,' said Peter. 'In the end, you both see how you've wronged and been wronged and you make up, leading to the much anticipated Black family reunion!'

'Or he's going to shag Prongs's mum,' said Remus.

'I honestly don't know what to hope for by now,' said Sirius. 'But we'll just give it our best shot and see where it lands us, right?'

'Just one thing,' said James. 'I'm not drunk, so the moment Sirius and my mum get physical, we stop. I really, _really _can't handle that without a shitload of alcohol in my system. Are we all clear on that?'

'Prongs, porn with me and Dorea in it is not something I ever want to read,' said Sirius. 'So we agree on it. Let's go!'

**Sirius felt nervous as he entered the Potter living room. He put his sweaty hands into the pockets of his jeans and wished he didn't have to do this. **

'Maybe he's on a quest to assassinate Dorea,' said Peter. 'And he's keeping his wand in his pocket, ready to attack…'

'No…' a soft whisper said, just as a gust of wind game through the window.

'Who was that?' said James.

'I didn't hear anything,' said Lily. The rubbed her hand along his arm, which was covered in Goosebumps.

**Meeting James's parents – talk about nerve wracking!**

'Yes, just look at what happened last time – Lily broke up their marriage!' said Remus. 'Meeting Prongs's parents never did work out well. Also, I think we can now rule out the "family reconciliation" thing, so that just leaves you shagging Dorea, Padfoot.'

'Great.'

'**Relax, Padfoot,' James said, smiling at Sirius's anxiety. 'They're just my parents.'**

'That's what Lily thought, too,' Sirius muttered.

'**_Just _your parents…' But he couldn't say more, because Charlus Potter got up from his comfy chair and held out his hand to Sirius. **

'**Sirius,' he said, shaking Sirius's hand firmly. 'It's so nice to finally meet you. James has told us lots about you.'**

'Why do I get the impression I'm Prongs's boyfriend in this?' Sirius said. 'It might just be me, but… am I seeing subtext?'

'It probably isn't subtext. It looks more like actual text,' said Lily. 'It was about time we got to a story pairing you. I mean, if I had to write slashfic and I didn't know James was my boyfriend, you'd make the most sense as a couple, the way you're always together…'

'Prongs, your girlfriend thinks we would make a good couple.' Sirius's voice was emotionless. 'Maybe you have issues you need to sort out.'

'**Likewise, sir,' said Sirius.**

'I'm calling Charlus "sir"? I haven't done that since I was… twelve…'

'**Oh, you can call me Charlie. No need to be all formal. **

'Someone is in character,' said James. 'For some reason, these fics are always so much worse when people are in character at some point, because then it's harder to just write it off as complete bullshit…'

**Come, have a seat.' He gestured for the elegant, dark blue couch, just as James's mother came in. **

'The sex goddess of the piece,' said Peter. 'Ready to attack any young lover her son might have, regardless of their gender.'

'**Ah, Dorea. Sirius is here. Don't worry, lad.' He winked at Sirius. 'Meeting the parents, we've all been there.'**

'I really think we're in a relationship,' said Sirius. 'Sweet mother of Merlin, why?'

'Reviews demanded it…'

This time, they all heard it.

'Okay… If people – be they students or ghosts – have been listening to these stories, our reputations are going to take a serious hit,' said James. 'Hello? Anyone there?'

But no one replied.

'Effing ghosts,' Peter said. 'They're just jealous they can't turn pages anymore.'

'**Dad. Stop flirting with him,' James said. **

'… so… maybe Dorea isn't going to shag Sirius, but Charlus is?' said Peter. 'James, what is it _with _your parents?'

'Ask Remus, he knows all about being attracted to younger people!'

'**Ah, Jamie, he's too young for me anyway.' **

'My dad is less a paedophile than Moony is! Yay!'

'How deep we have sunk for James to be glad his father isn't a paedophile while his best friend _is_,' said Sirius. 'This book is so messing with our perspectives, it's unbelievable.'

**Yet this didn't stop him from winking at Sirius once again.**

'Gah!'

'Ah, James, Charlus _is _a very handsome man…' Sirius said. 'Maybe I should…'

'Please. You'd get him knocked up, remember?' said Lily. 'And then where would you be? You'd be the father of James's half-sibling!'

He raised his eyebrows. 'Aren't you the one who considered becoming his stepmother?'

'I'll be his stepmother, you can shag his dad. Deal?'

'Deal.'

'**Men,' Dorea sighed. 'Sirius, why don't you come to the kitchen with me, **

'OH MY GOD SHE'S GOING TO SHAG HIM ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER!'

James cleared his throat. 'Thank you, Peter, for that unwelcome mind image. I will now never be able to go into my kitchen again.'

**so we can have a chat without my husband trying to get into your pants?'**

'So flippant she is about her husband homosexual paedophilia,' said Remus. 'It makes you wonder how many other young boys he's seduced…'

'Why is it always my parents? Why is it _always _my parents?!'

'**Er… okay. See you in a bit,' Sirius said to James, and then he followed Dorea into the kitchen. Thus far, things weren't as disastrous as he'd imagined. **

'Is he in the same fic we're reading?' said Sirius. 'Things seem a lot worse than imagined. I thought I'd be shagging Dorea and suddenly_ Charlie _has the hots for me?'

**He hadn't said anything embarrassing, **

'He's barely said five words!' said Remus.

'You can say very embarrassing things in less than five words,' said Lily. 'Like "ankle fetish". "Genital warts." "I like _My Little Pony_." "I shagged your son." Just a few ideas.'

**he hadn't accidentally broken anything, **

'Except for my parents' marriage.'

**and now he was going to have a nice, normal conversation with Prongs's mum. He could do this.**

'Is this evil foreshadowing? Will the conversation actually be horrible?'

'Peter, this author thinks the beginning of this fic wasn't horrible. I don't want to know what he or she thinks of as _truly _horrible.'

**He hoped.**

'**It's so nice to see James has finally found someone,' she said. **

'This makes me wonder…' said Remus. 'Has this James never fancied Lily? Or has he just been rejected so many times he decided to try his luck with boys?'

'Maybe Lily was just a distraction all the time. He was afraid people would find out he was gay, so instead he pretended to be hopelessly in love with the girl he knew wouldn't accept him anyway,' said Peter. 'Then he found out that his _actual _true love for Sirius _was _mutual, and he came out of his transparent closet.'

'You put way too much thought into this,' said Sirius. 'Are you sure there's nothing you want to tell us?'

'**It's a real comfort for my mother instincts. **

'Your mum thought you'd die sad and alone,' said Sirius. 'It's right there, Prongs. Even Dorea thought you couldn't score.'

**I never could get over them – did James tell you I had lost a child?'**

'She did?' James said.

'**Er… no…' Sirius said, worrying where the nice conversation had gone.**

'Oh, if only they were snogging instead of talking about a baby no one knew about,' said Peter.

'We're quitting this the moment they kiss,' said James. 'I won't have that read in my proximity.'

'Or mine,' said Sirius.

'**Yes, my first and only baby. **

James coughed. 'Er… mum? If that's your only baby, what does that make me? Your neighbour? A changeling?'

**He died just a few days after he was born, the poor tiny thing,' she sighed. **

'"Hey, Sirius, nice to meet you. I had a baby that died." Prongs, your mum really needs to learn how to avoid awkward conversations,' said Lily. 'If this is the first talk between your mum and me, I'd freak. What do you _reply _to something like this? "Oh, that sucks"?'

'No, I was more thinking something along the lines of, "WHAT IS JAMES IF HE'S NOT YOUR SON?!" But that might just be me.'

'**It broke my heart – that's why I jumped off the cliff, you know,' she added matter-of-factly. **

'My mum killed herself. She's not my mum and she killed herself.' James shook his head, dazed. 'Why do these people bother writing about my parents when they have no idea how my parents work?'

'Just on a side note – am I the only one wondering what James and Charlus are doing right now?' said Peter. 'All alone in the living room, near that comfortable couch…'

All blood drained from James's face. 'Don't. Don't. Don't!'

'**James just said you f-fell,' Sirius said, thinking of when James had told him how his parents had met. His mother had fallen off a cliff, been rushed to St. Mungo's, where she had met his father…**

'No, they met at Hogwarts! They did! My mum didn't _kill _herself – I – what – huh?! Who says this to someone they've only just met? "Oh, yeah, then I killed myself, haha, did he not tell?" WHAT?'

'**Always the gentleman.' She smiled. **

'James – always the gentleman? I think we can say this is an alternate universe,' said Remus. 'Everybody calm down, this won't ever happen. Thank Morgan.'

'**I like to think his father would've been happy with how I raised him. **

'I always got the impression he is,' said James.

'I think this means Charlie isn't actually your dad,' said Sirius. 'Which makes sense, considering Dorea isn't your mother. You're adopted, James.'

**Charlus was devastated when William died, **

'There he is again!' James jumped up and pointed at the book. 'Who is this William that keeps popping up in combination with my parents?'

'Your biological father?' said Remus.

'Then who is my mother?'

None of them answered. In truth, they all knew that the answer probably was something they'd rather not find out.

**so soon after James was born, **

'Maybe William _is _the mother and he slash she died in childbirth,' said Lily.

**but maybe that's what caused our love to flourish. Of course, James doesn't know Charlus is the one who carried him and gave birth to him – **

'Good God, no. Why? WHY?'

'So right now the situation is as follows: William and Charlus had sex, Charlus got pregnant with William's child, James was born, William died, Charlus hooked up with Dorea and they pretended she was his mother,' said Peter. '"Why?" indeed…'

**he's too young to know how Potters are capable of male pregnancies. **

'I will always be too young for that, dammit!'

**But one day, maybe, with the two of you…' **

'Christ. She just suggested James and I make babies together.' Sirius looked nauseated. 'Dorea, I loved you like a mother! Why did you do this to me? To us?'

**She smiled fondly and pressed Sirius's hand. 'I'm sure you two will make lovely babies and I'm really looking forward to becoming a grandmother.'**

'These stories make me so afraid to meet your parents,' Lily said to James. 'What do you _reply _to this? Just… what?'

'**We were thinking of the name Harry for a boy,' Sirius admitted sheepishly. **

'And now you're stealing our baby names,' said Lily. 'Sirius!'

'**In, you know, a couple of years.'**

'How weird would it be if James was already pregnant?' said Peter. 'How would he ever tell us?'

'I wouldn't. I'd get it out. Immediately,' said James. 'Before I had to give birth… Oh, no. No no no no no no no!'

'**That's a nice name,' she said. 'Okay, the lasagne should be almost finished; shall we return to the living room?'**

**Sirius nodded, and they went back. All in all, the visit had gone a lot better than Sirius had ever dared to expect. **

'How low _were _his expectations for this?' said Remus. 'What did he think would happen?'

'Well, we all thought Dorea was going to shag him, so I suppose this _is _better than expected,' said Peter. 'Nobody's pregnant yet.'

'He just found out – while fanfiction!me didn't know yet – that my mum wasn't my mum and that I was the result of a male pregnancy,' said James. 'That's _worse _than shagging my mum!'

'Shall we see if we can find something nice, comforting and normal?' said Lily, taking the Companion. 'Maybe read something about Remus's son again? That was funny, wasn't it? Or perhaps something fluffy and non-disturbing…'

* * *

**A/N: Dorea's awkward conversation belongs to Smeyer (and yes, I did watch Alex Reads Twilight. He's great!) (Oh, Smeyer didn't come up with the M!Preg. That was all me). Has anyone got any preferences for the next chapter? Any fluffy, normal ideas to wash out this strangeness?  
**


	53. The Little Potter

**A/N: I had a different one planned, but that one just didn't want to be written. Also, I've a poll on my profile, so if you feel inclined to vote: please do!**

* * *

'Okay,' Lily said after a couple of pages, 'This one is called _The Little Potter_ - '

'We're not doing it,' said James. 'We've already read _Little Potters _and that was the beginning of my pregnancies. I'm not reading another one – things'll only get worse, I'm sure!'

'You're such a megalomaniac,' she said. 'It's not about you. If you really want to know, it has a certain Harry Potter as its protagonist and I want to read about him. Sorry, Remus – but it's time for my son now.'

'Hey, that's fine. As long as I'm not his father, I have no problem reading about Prongs's kids.'

**It was a dark and stormy July night **

'Okay, when the prose is this purple, I might get a problem with it,' said Remus. 'Someone really used the "dark and stormy night" line? Hasn't that been ridiculed since _Paul Clifford _came out in the early nineteenth century?'

'I like it. It gives atmosphere to the entire thing,' said Peter.

'It's purple prose and it's absurd. But hey, if you like it…'

**when Sirius Black and Remus Lupin hastened to the Potter home. **

'Think I'm dead again, or just already there?' said Peter.

'Maybe you _are _the Little Potter,' said Sirius. 'You shouldn't always be so self-centred when we're reading stories, Peter. You'll get your turn if you just stop being so annoying.'

**Only minutes earlier they'd got a panicked message from James Potter, telling them to come now because it was happening.**

'What was?' said Peter.

'Harry fighting Voldemort?' Remus said.

**They were in a war against the Darkest Wizard of all times. **

'I wouldn't say that,' said Lily. 'Yes, Voldemort is incredibly evil, but we don't know how many far evil Wizards are still to come. This is just giving him credit he might not even deserve.'

**Every day people – friends, family – were dying. The Potters had been expecting an attack for months – in fact, twice already had they been targeted by Voldemort himself, only just surviving the incidents.**

'Wow. We survive Voldemort attacks. High five,' James said, holding up his hand.

When Lily smacked it, he entwined his fingers with hers and pulled her closer for a kiss.

'Prongs, that is so sappy you should feel ashamed of yourself,' said Sirius. 'Is that honestly the best you can do to make Lily snog you?'

'No, it's just one of the only ways that are possible when you're around. If you left…'

'Ha! Fat chance.'

**So when Sirius and Remus got a message like that, they thought it had happened again. **

'Could it be that we've stumbled across an action story?' Sirius grinned broadly. 'Oh, please let it be an action story with lesbian porn in it… I could forgive you all for bringing William into this and making Charlie gay…'

**They were afraid the might have been too late, that when they got to the familiar house, they would find nothing but bodies their friends once used to inhabit. **

'Action scene or not, this prose is horribly purple. Authors, that's not a good thing!' said Remus.

**When they arrived, the first thing they heard was a deafening scream of pure pain. **

'YES!' Sirius said.

'Sirius, you do know that this implies James and I might be in extreme pain?' said Lily. 'That's not something to be happy about.'

Sirius waved her words away. 'Lily, I'll save you in this. Moony and I are here and we'll take care of the entire thing and then, after the fight, we'll eat pancakes. We've got all of this under control in the story, just you wait.'

**It sounded like Lily's voice, but it was so disfigured they couldn't be sure. **

'Yeah, sounds like you've got it under control.'

'I don't see your boyfriend saving you, either,' said Sirius, highly offended. 'We only just got there, we've barely had time to assess the situation!'

**Sirius turned pale **

'What a hero.'

**and clenched his wand more tightly, **

'A hero indeed!'

'Please. I've yet to see you save me.'

**ready to burst in through the door, **

'See how valiant I am!'

'Yes, about to destroy our door, you arse!'

'How else would you want me to save you?!'

'You can just _open _it!'

'In case you hadn't noticed, you are _screaming in pain_! I haven't got time for things like opening doors!'

'I hope he just tries to burst in through the door, but isn't strong enough and bounces back,' said Peter to Remus and James, while Sirius and Lily continued their bickering. 'It would put a swift end to his heroics, wouldn't it?'

'Baby, shall we just continue?' James said to Lily.

She shook her hair out of her face. '_Fine_. Just know, Sirius, I am _not _impressed by you so far.'

**when James opened it.**

'Or with you! James! I might be _dying _up there and you have to open the door?!'

'We can't do anything right, can we?' Sirius muttered. 'Open the door! Don't open the door! Save me! Don't save me! What do you _want_ us to do in this story, Evans?!'

**He was as white as a ghost, **

'Maybe I am a ghost and this is subtle foreshadowing to let them know I'm dead,' said James. 'That'd… suck.'

**with big eyes behind his lopsided glasses. 'It's happening,' he said, ushering them in. 'It's - '**

'**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! **

'Whoa! Lily!' Peter covered his ears, as did Remus and James. 'What was _that _for?'

'I'm just reading it out,' she said. 'And in the story, there's a scream. And there's more screaming to come, so if I were you, I'd be prepared.' She looked at Sirius when she said that, narrowing her eyes at him, but he just leaned back and grinned lazily.

'Wanker,' she said, before taking a deep breath and giving everything.

**JAMES I HATE YOU DIE IN A FI- AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!'**

'I think we're getting a divorce,' said James. 'That's the only conclusion I can come to. No wonder I asked for your help…'

'**Lily!' Remus called and ran upstairs. **

'There is a useful hero,' Lily said. 'See, Sirius? No bullshit, just going up there to save me. Thank you, Remus, for showing Sirius here how a gentleman should behave.'

**The sound seemed to come from the bedroom **

'That's bad,' said Peter. 'I don't know if this is subtext, going to be subtext, or if it's just very squicky…'

'I'm guessing the last,' said James.

'Maybe you were doing kinky sex and things went wrong…' said Sirius, looking mostly at Lily. 'Or would little miss Prefect not be up for that?'

**and he didn't hesitate in barging in – only to stop dead in his tracks when he found the bed covered in blood, **

'Things went very wrong. I think James might be out to kill you, Lily,' said Peter. 'And now you won't die and he wants Sirius and Remus to help him finish it and then get rid of the body…'

'Oh, yes, that must be it.' James rolled his eyes.

**Lily naked from the waist down **

'This sounds very kinky,' said Sirius. 'And I don't know if I like it.'

**and a Healer with his hands between her legs, **

'What _is _this?' said Peter. 'You were in a threesome with a Healer?!'

Lily scratched her eyebrow. 'Er… Peter? I think I'm giving birth in there. You know, bed, blood, Healer, James panicking, the story being called _The Little Potter_…?'

**telling her to 'Push, push, almost there, PUSH!'**

**James came in after Remus and went to the side of the bed.**

'**GO AWAY YOU FUCKING BASTARD!' Lily screamed, **

Lily coughed. 'I love the screaming, but it's not good for my voice.'

'You're a natural at it, though,' said Peter.

'Peter, if there's anything I have loads and loads of experience with, it's yelling at James. I suppose it was all just practice for this moment of moments where I give new life.' She nodded solemnly. 'God, I'd hate giving birth. Maybe we shouldn't have kids, James.'

'We should – he's going to save the world, remember?'

'Easy for you to say. You don't have to push it out of your genitals.'

'That's what _you _think,' said Sirius. 'I don't know what James and Remus get up to when I'm not around, though… And we never did get an answer as to how men give birth…'

**her voice so high that the last word was barely audible anymore. 'I HATE YOU FOR DOING THIS TO ME!'**

'I will, probably. So you'd better be nice to me from now on until that moment – maybe then I'll have some sort of inclination to forgive you,' she said.

'I'm always nice!'

'Nic_er_.'

'Please be nicer somewhere we can't see it,' said Peter, when both of them got lovesick smiles on their faces.

'**I know, babe, I'm sorry, it's almost done,' he said, looking at the Healer. 'Is it almost done?'**

'**Yes. Just push,' he said to Lily. 'Almost there… yes… yes… YES!' **

There was much rejoicing.

**He held up a red… thing **

Sirius let out his bark-like laugh. 'That's the best way they've got to describe your kid? A _thing_? Great work, guys. Sounds like you've got a looker.'

**that another Healer quickly wrapped into a towel. 'It's a boy,' the first Healer said, wiping some sweat from his brow and replacing it with blood. **

'That's nasty,' said Peter. 'Who wants to know where that blood has been?'

'Peter, births _are _nasty. I don't know if you are one of those people who think giving life is all flowers and sunshine, but you have to push a baby through a hole that's _very small_.' Lily's face scrunched up when she thought of it. 'That's going to come with a lot of difficulty and a lot of blood. Yes, that's nasty!'

**James looked as if he was about to faint. **

'Ah, that's sweet!'

'How is Prongs fainting _sweet_?!'

'Think they're determined to fight over _everything _in this story?' James said. 'Because that doesn't bode well for Harry if Sirius is going to be his godfather…'

'**It's a boy?'**

'No! It's an alien!' said Peter. 'Of course it's a boy! What else is it supposed to be?'

'Er… a girl?' Remus said. 'They do exist, you know.'

'**A beautiful little baby boy,' **

'Formerly described as a "thing" – I don't think "beautiful" means what you think it means,' said Sirius.

**said the second Healer, a woman in her early forties, just as the baby let out a loud wail. 'With healthy little lungs.' Smiling, she gave the small bundle to James, who awkwardly cradled it in his arms.**

'I can just picture that,' said Remus. 'He'd just be standing there, thinking, "Oh my god, I'm going to drop it aren't I what if that happens I can't do this MOONY!" At least that's what he did the _one _time he held a cat…'

'Oh, come on. This is my firstborn child,' James said. 'I'm sure my paternal instincts are strong and show me exactly what I'm supposed to do.'

'My baby is doomed,' Lily groaned.

'**Shit. What if I drop him?' he said, looking at the Healer. **

'You're so typical.' Sirius grinned.

'**Don't you dare,' said Lily. **

'Good to see that having a child doesn't make you any less ferocious,' said Sirius.

'**Not after I had to push him out like that. Give him to me.' She held out her arms and James was more than happy to hand the baby to her, for fear he might break it.**

'"Lily? I think I broke the baby…"' Remus said. 'The moment Harry first poops, James is probably going to have a heart attack, thinking he's about to die.'

**He turned to his friends, who were just as shocked as he was. 'It's a boy,' he said.**

'Why does he say it again? We know it is a boy, and Peter isn't around, so it's not like he needs to make it clearer…'

'**He's perfect,' Lily cooed, bringing her face close to the baby's. **

'Lily in mummy-mode,' said Sirius. 'I am fearful to think what she'd be like if you threatened Harry…'

'I'd kill you.'

'I've no doubt of that.'

'**Hello, little Harry. Hello.'**

'**She's never forgiven me that fast,' James said, **

'That's all he's got to say?' said Peter.

**for his brain had stopped working and this was the only thing he could say. **

'Oh. At least they admit it's a weird thing to say.'

**Then he shook his head and ran his hands through his already-messy hair. 'Oh, Merlin. I'm a father. I'm a _father_!'**

'Run,' said Remus. 'Run, baby Harry!'

'**Congratulations, Prongs.' Sirius, himself moved almost to tears, **

'Ah, Sirius. I forgive you for almost everything you said today,' said Lily. 'Crying at the birth of my baby, how sweet.'

**gave James a manly hug **

'A "manly" hug, sure.' Lily's smile made it sure she pictured something different than the author had. 'He just wants to hide his tears.'

**and slapped him on the back. Then he moved to the bed to have a look at his godchild. **

'Why did we think Sirius would make a good godfather?' James said.

'He probably forced us. Or maybe I thought he was suited because he cried when Harry was born – it does make him more likeable, doesn't it?'

**Most of the little person was hidden by a white, fluffy towel, but his face was visible. He looked like… **

'Yes?' Peter said.

**he looked like…**

'YES?' said Peter. 'Lily! Just say it!'

**A pink potato with hair.**

They all burst out in laughter.

'Congratulations, Prongs. You have sired a potato,' said Sirius. 'I knew you were good for _something_.'

**Sirius knew he couldn't say that out loud. **

'Damn right you can't!'

**James would kill him, and so would Lily when she could walk again. **

'I'm being very positive, aren't I?' said Sirius. 'Thinking I'd have that long. Lily'd probably kill me with an evil Death Glare or something like that.'

'If you were lucky. I might just Spork you from the bed.'

'**He's… He's got your hair,' he said, noting how the wet hair already showed James-like features. **

'He's born to be amazing, then,' said James, ruffling his own hair. 'Nobody with hair like this has ever been anything less than awesome and I'm sure Harry is no different.'

'**He does?' James rushed to Lily's side and had his first _real _look at his child. 'He does! Lily, he's got my hair!'**

'**He's still perfect,' she said, **

Remus smirked, and Sirius said, 'Even your hair can't ruin Harry for her, Prongs. How much she must love him…'

'I like James's hair,' said Lily. 'It's very soft and… yeah. It's going to help Harry get girls, I think, if he just doesn't ruffle it all the time…'

**kissing Harry on his forehead. 'Little Harry James Potter.'**

'And thus the chapter ended,' she said. She glanced at her watch and bit her lip. 'Shit. I think I'm going to leave you and start on my homework now.'

'Oh, shit, right,' said Remus. 'Forgot we had that…'

Sirius's jaw dropped in mock horror. '_You _forgot we had homework? Moony! Are you all right? Do you need us to get Madam Pomfrey?'

'Shut up. Think the library's still open?' Remus said.

'No, it closed twenty minutes ago…' Lily raised her eyebrows.

'Then I suppose we _can't _do our homework, because we haven't got the books.'

Lily nodded slowly. 'I suppose so, yes.'

'How horrible.''

'Indeed.'

'Another chapter, then?' said Sirius.


	54. Hidden desires

'Okay, I think I've found the impossible,' Lily said, after a couple of seconds of silence. 'It's a story, it's about Peter and – surprising, this one – it's filed under _Romance_. Maybe we get to read the thrilling tale of how Peter rescues a young girl, who just falls in love with him the moment she lays eyes upon his bravery and sweet smile?'

'Maybe he's gay,' said Sirius, resting his hands behind his head and leaning back into a position more suitable for lazy snark. 'With Dumbledore.'

'I think I'll go with Lily's version.' Peter didn't know if he wanted to read this story; thus far, the best he'd been presented as, was a wimp. There was still a part of him that hoped he had a fan girl somewhere, but with every passing story that hope was diminished, until it was even smaller than Sirius's modesty.

'Only one way to find out, right?' said James.

'Exactly. Wormtail, you can read – my voice still hurts from fanfiction!me shouting at James.' Lily handed Peter the Companion and Peter started reading the story.

**I am never in the spotlight. **

'Maybe we should just stop this one,' said Peter. 'I don't want to be the loser _again_.'

'Then maybe you should stop being a loser in real life. You can hardly complain about _that _part in your characterization,' said Sirius. 'Don't be such a girl, mate.'

'Padfoot,' James said.

'What?' Sirius raised his eyebrows. 'Now that Lily's done shouting at me, you're going to? Just stating the obvious, is all.'

**I am not the handsomest or the smartest or the coolest. **

'Well, that doesn't say much – you hang out with me,' said Sirius. 'It's no more than natural to be eclipsed by me. Prongs and Moony have the same problem.'

**When I stand among my friends, I probably seem a head shorter and a whole lot less interesting. **

'That's not true,' said James. 'Remember that time when you found out you were allergic to strawberries because your head turned the colour of a tomato and you had these green things growing out of your ears? You were interesting then.'

'Thanks, Prongs.'

'Oh, Peter, the you in the story is just modest,' said Lily. 'And that _is _a virtue, no matter what Sirius might say.'

**Some of you might even ask why I still hang out with people who make me look inferior just by their presence around me. **

'Er, because we're awesome?' said Sirius. 'Isn't that reason enough to hang out with us?'

'I was thinking more along the lines of, "Sirius can be the most annoying person ever when he doesn't like you" – it's a pretty legitimate reason to stay friends with you,' said Remus. 'Especially when you have to share a dormitory. Being friends with you is just safe.'

Sirius and James exchanged glances.

'Moony, are you honestly saying that being around Padfoot is _safe_?' said James. 'All the near-death experiences would be a good reason to stay away from him.'

**You'd probably think that if I can write out the above lines, I certainly have enough brains to figure out that all I have to do is get some new friends. **

'… I don't see that connection, actually,' said Lily. 'Sure, it must suck to be outshone by them, but that's not enough reason not to be friends with them anymore? Otherwise Dumbledore would be the loneliest person on the planet…'

**Well, it's not that simple, I'm afraid. I've fallen in too deep to just leave.**

'Now we sound like the mafia,' said James. 'Wicked.'

**I love him. **

'What? I'm still gay?' Peter said. 'Why am I always gay?!'

'Maybe this isn't you speaking.' Lily reached out to place a comforting hand on his leg. 'It could be _Sirius_, thinking about how lonely he feels among the Marauders and how infinitely big his love for you is…'

'Lily, darling, this person has already been described as short and uninteresting,' said Sirius. 'Haven't you read the fanfiction? I'm the local heartthrob – nobody's going to depict _me _as plain. If it's anyone other than Peter, it would be Moony – he has got that minority complex going on…'

**I can't help it.**

'Are we just going to assume it's Peter?' said James. 'Because otherwise I can't keep up with who loves who…'

'Fine. I'll be gay,' said Peter. 'Then we still don't know who my lover is.'

**I love everything about him – his silky black hair, his grey eyes like limpid tears, **

'Christ,' said Sirius. 'I really _am _a heartthrob, aren't I? First Moony, then Prongs, then James…'

'Not to mention me, Ariana, Serenity Starr, Dumbledore, Petunia, Hermione Granger… have I missed anyone?' said Lily. 'Sirius, you're such a little slut in fanfiction land. You shag _everybody_!'

'I'm _loved _by everybody – nothing here says I love Peter back,' he said. 'And I was under a love potion with Petunia. She doesn't count!'

**his muscles rippling in the sunlight whenever he's outdoors. **

'… I'm not sure if that's a sexy image or not,' said Lily. 'He hasn't got that many muscles…'

'Also, doesn't this imply that Sirius is just naked all the time?' said Remus. 'It would be an interesting sight…'

'There'd be no end to the line of fan girls.' Sirius shuddered. 'I'm not sure if that's what I'm after.'

'Maybe Padfoot and I just go skinny dipping often,' said Peter. 'Can we continue?' It bugged him that even when the story was about him, the focus was still on Sirius. Couldn't his friends take just a minute to discuss Peter's place in this?

**His wit, his charisma, his intelligence, I love it all. **

'Why, thank you, Wormtail,' Sirius said. 'I wouldn't end the list of my good qualities there, but I suppose it is necessary for narrative purposes.'

'I wonder if the Peter in this fic loves his arrogance as well?' Lily said. 'Or if he's just accepted that as something inevitable…'

**He's perfect, **

'Someone cover Padfoot's ears,' said James.

'Someone cover mine,' Peter said. 'Why would I talk about Sirius like this?'

'Because I _am _perfect and you love talking about it!'

**down to the tips of his long slender fingers. **

'Oh no, has Peter got a hand fetish as well? Because that didn't work for Albus and it won't work for you, Wormtail.'

'I like the thought of Sirius's perfection ending with his fingertips,' said Remus. 'Like everything below that was just a bit weird – his legs weren't worth mentioning, that kind of thing.'

**If I had a bigger vocabulary I'd probably be here all day describing him endlessly, **

'Please, no,' said James. 'Spare us!'

**but even if I can't express my adoration for him fully, I know my feelings for him are way more than what even the best author in the world can write. **

'Oh no, we have a True Love that transcends even the English language?' Lily said. 'Someone get me a bucket.'

**My heart is like a vast ocean, with me drowning in my love for him.**

'Peter? If this is how you think…' James shrugged, looking lost. 'Don't ever write a love letter.'

'I think only my love for Sirius is this strong,' said Peter. 'Other loves should be… more normal, I guess. And trust me, I _don't _think like that. I didn't when I was dating Luba and I don't now and I hope I never will.'

**Of course, he doesn't know. **

'Thank you, Merlin,' Sirius muttered.

**How would he notice my feelings for him? **

'Well, that's the same thing Remus worried about in _Forbidden Fruit_, but that was solved by a short conversation,' said James. 'Just follow your heart, fanfiction!Peter! Sirius is queer anyway.'

**He always has a swarm of girls following him around, **

'No, Prongs. I'm Hogwarts's biggest slut, and _liking _it.'

**and even a few boys casting looks at him whenever they pass by him in the corridors. **

'Like Remus,' said James.

'And you,' Remus said.

'And now Peter as well,' said Sirius. 'I really _am _shagging whole of Hogwarts, aren't I? What did I do in canon to deserve a reputation like that? Is it really just my looks?'

'Well, girls are known to be suckers for eyes like limpid tears…' Lily grinned.

**He is always adored, **

'Why does this story even bother saying it's about me? It's just one big Padfoot lovefest,' said Peter. 'Can't we read something else?'

'No,' Sirius said. 'Continue!'

**even with that family of his. **

'Ah… no, author. They don't adore me. Believe me on that.'

**He truly belongs here in school, where he is always surrounded by admirers and aficionados. **

'What does this author think Hogwarts is like?' said James. 'A place where we all worship Sirius?'

'Of course – didn't you get the memo?' said Sirius.

**Even his friends seem like mere spots on the horizon compared to him.**

'I doubt that,' said James. 'I really do.'

'Prongs, the stories – and reality – make it clear it took you four to seven years before Lily liked you, while I'm all but made a divinity at this point,' said Sirius. 'Sure, this author is full of bullshit, but you have to admit that there is at least a fanfiction base for this.'

**But he isn't immortal. **

'All but, when reading this,' Remus said. 'I'm almost disappointed fanfiction!Sirius hasn't reached immortality yet.'

**I've heard him cry at night when he thinks no one else is awake.**

Peter smirked. 'Ah. Justice.'

'Hey, Sirius just cries a lot,' said Lily. 'Just look at Harry's birth – he cried there, didn't he? And it explains why his eyes are always described as limpid tears… He's just crying all the time.'

'Thanks, Evans. I feel really manly now,' Sirius said.

'Oh, you needed it,' said Remus. 'After all that? Someone had to bring you down to earth.'

**He might try to act like it doesn't matter what his family thinks of him, **

'Well, it doesn't. That's not acting.'

**but he secretly does care. **

'Oh, Padfoot, do you want to talk about it?' Peter said. 'Is your life that hard?'

'Please shut up. _Now_.'

**It hurts him that his father dislikes him **

'How can he say his love eclipses the English language, but my father's hatred of me is brought down to "dislike"?' said Sirius.

**and his mother won't so much as look at him **

'Nothing lost there.'

**and his brother acts like he doesn't exist. **

Sirius clenched his jaw and didn't say anything, but he crossed his arms, glaring at the book.

**He hides behind a tough exterior, shielding his fragile self underneath a protective layer. **

'His _fragile self_?' said Remus. 'Please tell me the author wasn't serious.'

**It really hurts me to see him like that, having to hide his true self from the rest of the world.**

'Oh, your concern wasn't necessary, Wormy,' Sirius said. 'My true self is fully on display at all times. It's why my parents hate me so much.'

'I'm just reading this, Sirius. I thought we knew by now that fanfiction doesn't necessarily reflect real life?' said Peter. 'So could you stop pretending like I really think about you like this?'

'What's got you wound in a knot?' said James. 'It's just a story, Pete.'

**So that's why I can't leave. **

'He can't leave what?' said Lily. 'Hogwarts?'

'No, the Marauders,' Remus said.

**If I do, who will be there for him? **

'I will,' said James. 'That won't be a problem, fanfiction!Peter.'

**One of our friends is obsessed with a certain girl who keeps on refusing him **

'I can multitask! I never let Lily come between us!'

**and the other already has his lycanthropy to worry about. **

'Does he really think you can only have one worry in your life?' Remus said. 'Because this author must have had a pretty worriless life, if that's the case.'

**I'm the only one who can really be there for him whenever and wherever he needs a comforting shoulder or a bit of support. I may not be much, but I will do all I can to keep him going strong. **

'You sound more like a motivational speaker than a friend,' said Lily.

**I will be his guardian angel, always watching over him even if he doesn't know it. **

'And that's just plain creepy. What was it you said a couple of stories ago? Something about…' Lily bit her lip. 'A guy who just watches you sleep, even though you don't know it, because he's afraid you might die in your sleep, or something like that? That's just creepy. Sad… but creepy.'

**That is something I want to do forever, until I fade away into nothingness.**

'This was almost worse than all the stories where I die,' said Peter. 'At least there I have some sort of personality, pathetic as it is. Here I'm just… a sad piece of person who has nothing but _Padfoot _in his life. That's…'

'… not abnormal in fanfiction!world,' said Sirius. 'I must tell you, Peter, if there's any truth in this story: you're not my type.'

'What a shame.'

'Yes, I was already planning what I'd say on your wedding,' said James. 'Guess I'll have to change it a bit for _yours_ and Padfoot's, Moony.'

'Well, after this thrilling tale… I think I'm going to work on my novel for a bit.' Sirius took out his wand and Summoned the thin notebook with his masterpiece in it. 'I suggest you don't disturb me, or you'll die in my novel.'

'I'm really terrified now,' James said drily, getting up. 'Lil, think we should make that timetable for the patrols?'

Lily scrunched up her nose. 'I suppose we'll have to. Yugh.' She held out her hand and he pulled her up. After James had grabbed some parchment, a quill and ink, they went downstairs, holding hands.

'That leaves us, then,' said Peter to Remus. 'Chess?'

'Chess.'

* * *

**A/N: This beautiful piece of badfic was written by Carrot-Bunny, who you might remember from chapter 11, _Chocoholic_. It makes you wonder how many other Peter/Sirius fics are out there... (answer: not many) Also, because I'm a slut: vote, vote, vote, because the results for the poll will be used in an upcoming chapter! We want YOU!  
**


	55. In which Sirius helps

The next day, Peter was considerably happier. He'd pushed the story from his mind, deciding that it didn't matter if his fan base wasn't as big as the others'. It didn't even matter if, in fact, his fan base was nonexistent. He had his friends in real life and they were better than anything the stories might come up with.

'I still don't see how he became Head Boy,' Sirius said after class, watching James chase Lily with a spider he'd found against the wall.

'He's doing a good job,' said Peter. 'Patrolling and such. Things could've been worse.'

'Yes, _you _could've been Head Boy,' said Remus, nudging Sirius. 'The school would probably be nothing but a smouldering pile of ashes by now, if that were the case.'

'Dumbledore knew I had other responsibilities. Someone had to make sure the pranking standard was kept at this high level,' he said. 'Besides, I wouldn't have any time to write my novel if I had to make sure other people didn't break any rules.' His tone made his disgust about the whole thing clear. 'It's unnatural for Prongs to do that, I tell you.'

'GAH!' they heard Lily cry. 'Potter! I hate you! I hate spiders, and I hate you, dammit! Get it – OH MY GOD IT'S IN MY HAIR GET IT OUT NOW!'

'Lily, relax,' James said, running his hand through her hair. 'I don't see it. It must've fallen to th – oh, wait there it is. Hey, little fellow!'

Lily smacked him in the ribs, but he just grinned. 'I'm joking, Lily. He's not there, I promise.'

His assurance didn't stop her from running her hands through her hair and shaking her head a couple of times, just in case. 'I hate you,' she repeated. 'Don't _ever _get any spiders near me again.'

'I'm sorry,' he said. 'Is there any way you'll ever forgive me?'

She smirked. 'I might consider it, one day, once you've done your penance… ' She grinned and pulled him towards her by his tie.

'Yes, they seem like the kind of people we want defending our school's safety,' Sirius said. 'They seem like balanced, responsible people who would thrive under pressure and consider every side of a case before leaping to their judgement. I completely see why Dumbledore chose them, especially when they're _combined_.'

'It's probably part of his master plan to set them up together,' said Peter. After all that fanfiction, he'd started seeing subtext in real life, which turned out to be very interesting, especially when watching Sirius and Minerva during Transfiguration. 'And let's admit it: he was pretty successful, wasn't he?'

'Yeah, well… I still think it's one of the stupidest things he's ever done. Oi! Prongs! Evans! OI!'

James broke free of their kiss. 'What?'

'Could you get over here so we can read another story? During Charms I came across one that seemed like the kind of thing we had to read,' said Sirius.

'Shouldn't you be doing Charms during Charms?' Remus asked.

Sirius chose not to answer that; sometimes he had serious doubts about Remus's intelligence. 'We can go read it without you, if you think snogging Evans is more important than being around the friends who've supported you for so many years…'

'Talk about guilting someone into something,' Lily said. 'You're good at it, Sirius.'

'Dear Evans, there is no limit to my talents,' he said, taking a gallant bow. 'Except when it comes to knitting – I never did learn to do that well. Anyway: you, me, an abandoned classroom and the Companion?' He winked at her and she wiggled her eyebrows.

'It's a date,' she said. 'Mind if I bring my boyfriend?'

'If you have to…'

Soon, the Marauders and Lily had found a comfortable classroom. After Peter had conjured some large pillows, they made themselves comfortable on the tables and Sirius retrieved the Companion from his bag.

'You actually keep it with you all the time now?' James said. 'Padfoot, are you ill?'

'No, just a narcissist,' said Remus. 'Okay, what is it you want us to read?'

'It's called _In which Sirius helps_, which I think it a nice title, because I'm a very helpful person and it's nice that someone wrote about that,' said Sirius, taking out a bookmarker. 'The writing seemed promising, too – at least compared to some other things we've read.'

**'Prongs, no, I'd just feel silly.'**

'It makes me wonder what he's going to help James with,' said Peter. 'Now I can only think about that time in third year – remember, when James got stuck in the bathroom and Sirius tried to make the door explode and instead turned the whole bathroom green?'

'I didn't turn the bathroom green; the walls were splattered with demonic vomit,' said Sirius. 'I'd opened a portal to another dimension. That's something else than redecorating, Wormtail.'

**'No you won't! C'mon, Padfoot. I need your help.'**

**'Can't you ask someone else?'**

'Of course not. I'm the only one special enough,' said Sirius.

**'Like who? Remus? He wouldn't know what to do, and neither would Peter. **

'Maybe it has to do with pink thongs,' said Lily. 'I mean, James did seem to have trouble wearing his underwear over his clothes when he was Stagman – maybe he wants to see what Sirius says of pink underwear?'

**And I can hardly ask a _girl_…'**

'It can't be about thongs, then,' said Sirius. 'Seeing as girls mostly wear them…'

'Yes, but we don't have certain… problems with it,' said Lily. 'You know, seeing as we don't have a penis and all that.'

**'Of course you can! A girl is the best man for the job, she'll know… you know, everything. **

'_Is _this conversation about underwear?' said Peter. 'Or is that just your commentary messing with my mind?'

**I can't do that. Even if it weren't lethal to my masculinity, I just haven't got the skills,' said Sirius, who shook his head. **

'I think we've read too much fanfiction,' said Remus. 'Because I don't know either if this is about thongs or something normal.'

**'Prongs, I'd go through fire for you, but you can't ask this of me.'**

**'But… You can't just ask me to go ahead and do it without practicing.' **

'… I really hope we're wrong about the underwear part,' said James. 'Otherwise, do I want to know what I should be practicing for?'

'Your come-out as a transvestite?' said Sirius.

**James put his hands in his pockets and kicked a piece of parchment someone had left on the ground. 'We both know I can't do it, but… but…'**

'Or maybe just his come-out in general,' said Remus. 'And Sirius can help him with it because Sirius has embraced his homosexuality years ago…'

'But then shouldn't you be able to help, too?' said Sirius. 'I thought you were my lover, no?'

'Yes, but so was Peter. And James. And Dumbledore. You could easily be gay without me.'

**Sirius groaned. 'I'm sure everything will turn out fine. '**

**'You've said _that _before.'**

'And it never turned out well,' said James.

**'Well, you have your nose back, haven't you?'**

'My point exactly!'

**'Point is,' said James, 'that just a little bit of your time… just this once… it would help so much. **

'I hate subtext,' said Lily. 'I see so much subtext in this, I feel like I'm Peter.'

**Just so I can work on it, know what to say, come up with some witty remarks I can use…'**

'… Is this the point where we can safely say it's _not _about him coming out as a homosexual, transvestite or other thong-related person?' said Remus.

'Let's just assume that,' said James. 'For my sanity's sake.'

**'They're not witty if you thought of them in advance,' Sirius said.**

'You can hardly expect Prongs to be witty instantly,' said Sirius. 'He has the originality of cardboard!'

**'They are if she doesn't notice.'**

**'Prongs.'**

**'Please?'**

**Sirius looked at his best friend's pleading eyes. Knowing that his virility would suffer from this for a long, long time, possibly even forever, he said, 'All right, I'll help you. **

'Because I'm a good friend like that. And don't you forget it, Prongs.'

**But only because I'm the best friend in the entire world and you don't deserve me.'**

'Exactly!'

**'You're the best, Pads,' said James. 'The _best_.'**

'Why is every story so insistent to glorify Sirius?' said Remus.

'It's not glorifying when it's true,' Sirius pointed out. 'Also, there's a line here, so I guess the next part is a while later.'

**Sirius closed his eyes. 'Okay, James, just so you know: this will stay between us. **

'And the subtext is back,' said Peter. 'Good, I was starting to worry.'

**No one else need ever find out about this. If you tell anyone, I'll kill you.'**

**'I don't want anyone else finding out,' said James. 'I'll protect this with my life. Also, I'd like it if _we _never spoke of this again, either. It's best if we just get it over with.'**

Sirius and James exchanged looks, wondering what they were up to in fanfiction!world. It could hardly be worse than anything they'd done in real life, but with these authors, you never knew. Like Peter had said: the subtext was back, and it was _laughing_ at them.

**'Agreed.'**

**'I'd like to thank you again,' said James. 'I have no idea how I would do this if it weren't for you.'**

'Without me, he'd still be thinking the Cambridge Cannons had a chance at the cup,' said Sirius. 'You have no idea how _lost _you are without me, Prongs. Not just in this matter, but in every matter, ever.'

**'Just get it over with, Prongs, before I chicken out.'**

'I'll just say what we've all been thinking,' Peter said. 'Anal sex!'

Sirius smacked him on the head. 'I wasn't thinking that at all! And don't mention it. There hasn't been enough subtext to justify that.'

'Oh, yes there has,' said Peter. 'You're just afraid to admit it.'

**James nodded. He was silent for a moment, before clearing his throat and saying, 'So, er, Lily, have you got any plans for the next Hogsmeade weekend?' **

The Marauders and Lily snickered.

'Can I trust this has happened in real life?' said Lily. 'Because if it has, I'm going to be laughing for the rest of my life.'

'Which would be very short, if this had happened and you found out,' said Sirius. 'No, Evans, Prongs has never tried his charms on me while pretending to be you. Thank God.'

**He peeked at Sirius, whose face was still as a stone.**

'I wouldn't be that skilled,' said Remus. 'I'd probably piss myself from laughter.'

'Same here,' said Sirius. 'I have loads of respect for myself in fanfiction.'

**'I – I'm sorry,' said Sirius. 'I can't do this.'**

'The jealousy is too strong,' Peter whispered. 'He wants Prongs to say those things to him, just him, and not Lily, but oh, how will he survive?'

**'No! You have to help! You – you need to help me come up with what I'm going to say, and everything,' squeaked James. 'Pads, there's nothing I wouldn't do for you. I'd even do this for you, if I had to, you know that.'**

'"_Nothing_ you wouldn't do?"' Peter said in a sultry voice. 'The subtext here, oh my _God_.'

**Sirius looked up. 'Yes, but, Prongs… You're asking me out.'**

**'No, I'm asking Lily out, except that she's not present yet and therefore you have to pretend to be her. **

'The ultimate example of James logic,' said Lily.

**I'm not asking you anything. **

'Except to sacrifice my masculinity on the altar of your love for Lily,' said Sirius. 'That's a lot, fanfiction!James.'

**Everything I say is meant for Lily and Lily only,' said James. 'You're just a stand-in. Please, please, don't stop this now.'**

'It makes you wonder how much they'll practice together, doesn't it?' Peter stared off in the distance, a dreamy look on his face.

'I hate you, Pete,' said Sirius.

**'Can't I just… write your lines?' said Sirius, sounding near desperation.**

James stiffened, and Lily noticed.

'Oh, no,' she said. 'He's written your lines?'

He shrugged. 'Only once or twice. It didn't work anyway, so that's moot, but…'

**'No, I need to practice with someone reacting.'**

'Oh, sure. _Reacting_,' Peter said.

'One more, and I'll Silence you,' said Sirius.

**'You don't, everything will be fine! Prongs, Lily must fancy you now, she let you copy her homework. **

'The ultimate sign of love,' Sirius said.

'I've yet to let him in real life,' said Lily. 'So our Love is Truer™ in the story than in real life.'

**It's crystal clear that the two of you are going to get married and have loads of babies together. **

'I hope that letting someone borrow your homework doesn't always mean that.' Remus looked a bit worried.

**There is no need – no need _at all _– to get me involved.'**

'Except that James _wants _it,' said Peter.

**James sat down on one of the classroom's tables. 'But Pads, I just… I don't want to get rejected _again_. **

'Oh no, this again,' said Sirius. 'Brace yourselves: Prongs's lament is coming.'

**I don't want to mess it up because I sound too conceited or something like that.' **

'Maybe you should try not-messing-up by not endangering me with spiders,' said Lily. 'Just a suggestion.'

**Sirius took a seat on the table next to James's. Just looking at his friend's dispirited face made him feel guilty. **

'It's not your fault he's a wussy! Stand up for yourself, fanfiction!me! Don't let him do this to you!'

**'Fine. I'll… I'll be Lily. But we never speak of this again and you owe me – big time.'**

Sirius glared at Peter, who'd opened his mouth but now closed it again, looking guilty.

**'Of course,' said James. 'Just… okay. I'll start again then, right?'**

**'Right.'**

**James got up and, after ruffling his hair, **

'Because Merlin forbid he's speak to Lily – real or Sirius – without messy hair,' said Remus.

**he said, 'So, _Lily_, have you got any plans for the next Hogsmeade weekend?'**

**Sirius considered saying 'Yes, I've got a date with Peter', **

'And I should say that,' said Sirius. 'Listen to your heart. Make fun of him – this is the best chance you'll ever have for that, apart from his wedding!'

**but as this would be over the soonest if he cooperated, he said, 'Er… no, I haven't, actually. Why?' **

All Marauders cringed in vicarious shame for this poor fanfiction character. They could only imagine the emotional turmoil he must be going through. Lily just wondered how Sirius would behave if he pretended to be her.

**'Because, er, neither do I, and I was wondering if maybe you would enjoy the idea of going for a cup of coffee – or butterbeer – or something else – with me.' **

'Something else, you say?' said Peter. 'Interesting offer…'

'Please don't make that scene worse for our fanfiction!personalities,' said James. 'Can't you see how close to dying of mortification we are?'

**'Well, that sounds great,' said Sirius. 'She should be at your feet, mate.'**

**James raised his eyebrows. 'I sounded like an idiot.'**

'You _are _an idiot,' said Sirius.

'And that's fine,' Lily said. 'It's endearing.'

**'That's okay – you are an idiot. She knows that.'**

'See how good I am in fanfiction?' said Sirius. 'I just _feel _our characters, even when I'm written by a teenage girl. Because my natural good qualities transcend even bad writing and crazy fan girls.'

'So, what part of your character was it that couldn't distinguish James from Stagman?' said Remus. 'What part was it that was so attracted to me?'

'My wonderful character can't make up for _all _bad writing, Moony. I doubt anything can.'

**'Arse. But, I mean, what if she says no? **

'Wouldn't be a first,' said James. 'I should be fine.'

**Or… I mean, I feel like – I shouldn't just ask it like this, you know?' James started pacing around and got out his stress ball. **

'Then how are you planning on doing it?' James asked of his fanfiction!self. 'By bringing her a serenade? Because that would backfire. Big time.'

'Talk about laughing until you piss yourself…' said Lily. 'I think you singing for me would have that effect. Don't do that, fanfiction!James.'

**'She should know that I'm really serious about her. Or not? What if that scares her off?'**

'He's such a girl,' said Sirius.

_**How the hell am I supposed to know? This is Moony-territory. **_

'What? That isn't my territory!' said Remus. 'Dead languages are. Rules are. Lycanthropy is. Talking to girls _isn't_.'

**_Or, better yet, _girl _territory_, **

'I'm not the only girl – Remus now counts as one as well,' said James. 'Going great, this. Nex thing, we'll find out Lily's a guy.'

**Sirius thought, slightly panicky. 'Merlin, Prongs, I don't know. Probably not. Shouldn't you just ask her the way you just did?'**

**'But I always do it like that and she always rejects me.'**

'Oh, the _angst_,' Lily said. 'The horror of being rejected.'

'Do I need to remind you of the angst _you _had only this Christmas?' said Remus. 'I recall a certain girl wondering how she could make it clear that she liked a certain idiot…'

**Sirius scratched his chin. 'Well… then… this time she won't. **

'That's his solution?' said Peter. 'That's pretty shitty, Padfoot.'

'Your face is pretty shitty. I want to bet I'm right in this story.'

**You talk all the time. Just casually say this when you're on patrol together and it should be grand.'**

'Or just find a weird book with stories about yourselves in it and make inappropriate remarks until you get together,' said James. 'That worked for me.'

**Taking a deep breath, James locked eyes with Sirius, **

'Finally! I was starting to miss the subtext, but this more than makes up for it.'

'PETER!'

**and said, 'Sirius, I know you don't want to do this, but… **

'"It'll only hurt for a moment,"' said Peter.

'That's it. _Silencio_.'

**I'm going to try it a bit more seriously, okay?'**

**_Ah, bollocks_. 'Are you sure?'**

**'Yes.'**

**'You so don't deserve me.'**

'I'm not sure if I could do this for you,' said Sirius. 'It sounds beyond horrifying.'

**It was a sign of their friendship **

'And my endless bravery, loyalty and kindness,' said Sirius.

**that Sirius still didn't back out. In for a penny, in for a pound, and in all fairness, it was about time Prongs scored.**

'I'm so _right _in this story. This author is talented, isn't she? Hear that, author? Even though you make me do horrible things, you're doing it well!'

**'Okay. Here I go.' James cleared his throat. 'Lily, I… I'm sure you've noticed that, over the past years… no, I shouldn't say that, should I?'**

**'Just continue,' said Sirius, who had averted his eyes and motioned for James to go on.**

'Just lie back and think of England,' Remus said softly. Lily giggled, but none of the others noticed.

**'The thing is just that I like you. **

'I love the mental image of James saying this to Sirius,' said Remus. 'I hope fanfiction!me sees you.'

**A lot. And I'm… I didn't always… Sometimes, I behaved really stupid, because **

' – I am a complete retard,' Sirius said.

'No, because my beauty took away his ability for rational thought,' said Lily.

'That's what he told you? Oh, Lily…'

**I tried to make an impression on you, but the thing is… You're amazing, and sometimes my brain just stops working **

Lily grinned at Sirius. 'What did I tell you?'

**when I'm around you, you know? I think you're great. **

'Why can't we do a True Love ™ shot now?' said Sirius. 'This needs one so badly.'

'We can't do that because James is talking to you,' said Remus. 'Unless you want to tell us about _your _True Love ™ with Prongs?'

**Funny and sweet and beautiful and smart and I was just… hoping that you might want to go out with me. **

Lily smiled and pressed a kiss to his cheek. 'Even though you didn't actually tell Sirius that, I still appreciate fanfiction!your efforts.'

**Or maybe just as friends, if you like that better.'**

**'Sounds great,' said Sirius. 'Should work like a charm.'**

'What was "my" line again?' said Remus. '"We may not be in Professor Flitwick's class, but you're still charming"? Maybe you should use that one, James. It worked when I used it on Lily.'

**'Really?' James smiled uncomfortably. 'Great. Okay. I can do this, right?'**

'No,' Sirius, Lily and Remus said in unison.

**'Sure.'**

'Liar,' said Remus.

**Neither of the boys had noticed the red-haired girl standing in the doorway, who left after James's soliloquy, her mind filled with confusion and – if she was very honest – jealousy.**

'Aha! Lily fancies me in this – I knew it!' James ruffled his hair as a sign of his victory, but then his eye fell on something lying on Lily's pillow. 'What's that?'

Lily followed his gaze and reached for the object. Its metal surface glinted ominously in the light of the room's torches. Holding it up, she said, 'It's… It's a…'

It was a Spork.


	56. I'm still a Marauder

'How did that get there?' Remus took the Spork and held it close to his face so he could examine it more carefully. 'I didn't even know Hogwarts _had _Sporks…'

'I don't remember that lying there when I sat down,' said Lily.

'So, what, it just appeared?' Sirius said.

'Maybe someone put it there,' she said. 'A ghost, maybe?'

'Or someone like, say… Padfoot?' Remus looked at Sirius, who scoffed.

'Moony! I'd never!'

'Yes, you would,' said James.

Sirius hesitated. 'Yes, okay, I would, but I didn't. I wouldn't know where to get a Spork like that.'

'What should we do with it?' Peter said.

'Spork things?' said Lily.

'But we could do that without an actual Spork,' said James. 'This must mean something – right? Maybe it's someone above, trying to send us a message.'

Sirius rolled his eyes. 'You do realize how ridiculous you sound, don't you?'

'Why _else _would it be here?'

'Maybe it's a sign that we're about to encounter particularly bad fanfiction,' said Peter, fearing the worst. 'Maybe it's someone telling us to stay away from the Companion…'

'Well, they're not succeeding,' said Sirius. He grabbed the Companion and scanned the pages, looking for a message, but there was nothing. Suddenly, without Sirius doing anything, the book started flipping its own pages until it stopped at page 362.

'… Okay…' Sirius said, looking at the story. 'Maybe someone is trying to tell us something. Or at least trying to make us _read _something.' His eyes flitted across the room, resting on the ceiling, but he didn't see anything, not even the hint of a ghost.

'Are we just going to read that?' said James.

'It's a story in the Companion – how harmful can it be?' Sirius squared his shoulders and started reading.

**A/N: Peter, this one is for you!**

Peter blinked. 'Someone wrote something _for _me?'

'Maybe it's the Gods of Fanfiction World, feeling sorry for you,' said Remus. 'This would be a divine intervention to soothe you.'

'Because Pete is important like that,' said Sirius.

'Let's just see what the story is about, shall we?' Lily said. 'And give me back that Spork!' She retrieved it from Remus's hands and started toying with it while she listened to Sirius.

**Peter sighed, kicking at a loose rock on the beach. **

'If it's just about you angsting again, I don't care what the divinities are trying to tell us,' said Sirius. 'One of those stories was more than enough, thank you.'

**It sailed into the water, landing with a quiet _plop_. The giant squid waved its tentacles in protest, but Peter didn't notice.**

'Maybe what the story is trying to warn us about is how Peter is going to be devoured by the Giant Squid,' said James. 'And this is so we know to protect him…'

'I'm surrounded by idiots,' Sirius muttered.

**_Why is it always me?_ he thought. **

'Okay, if that question is going to be answered, I'll forgive the Powers that Be for being so spooky,' said Peter. 'Why _is _it always me?'

**James and Sirius were off practicing Quidditch, **

'… I'm practicing Quidditch?' Sirius said. 'Someone was stupid enough to let me on the team?'

**but Peter was willing to bet it wouldn't be long before they were storming off the pitch, yelling insults at one another. **

'More like carrying Sirius to the Hospital Wing,' said James. 'Oh no. Are the Powers warning us about Sirius playing Quidditch? Because that _would _be cause for alarm.'

'Let's not assume anything about the Powers' hidden agenda, okay?' said Lily. 'Maybe someone just wanted us to read and Spork this story, harmless as it still seems right now.'

'If Padfoot is playing Quidditch, it isn't harmless,' said James. 'Trust me on that, Lil.'

**Remus was gone in the library doing who knows what, **

'Ergo, masturbating,' said Sirius.

'Or reading,' Remus said.

Sirius rolled his eyes. 'If it was something innocent like that, the author would just say that. You're wanking and you know it.'

**leaving Peter the day to himself. He wasn't unused to this- **

'Maybe this story is to warn us about double negatives,' said Lily. 'If so, I agree with that warning.'

**the others usually left him alone while they did their own things. **

'As is normal,' said Sirius. 'That's why they're called "our own things". Stop wangsting, Peter.'

'I'm not wangsting! This is angst – it's legitimate!'

**Peter often wished he'd be included, **

'He is! We're including him at this very moment, aren't we?' Sirius glared at the book, his hand itching for the Spork. 'My _God_, how stupid are these authors? We do things with him all the time!'

Peter couldn't suppress his smile. 'If this were a fanfiction, that line would hold so much subtext, Padfoot.'

'If this were a fanfiction, I'd be shagging all of you,' said Sirius.

'That's true.'

**but more often than not, he found himself sitting on the sidelines while the Marauders had fun without him.**

'Then maybe you should join in,' said Peter. 'That's what I do. Why am I so helpless in all these stories?'

'Because you're a damsel. Don't worry; people seem to think I'm one as well.' Lily smiled at him. 'As long as we know better, what do these stories matter, right?'

**He scuffed some snow away, baring a patch of dirt for him to sit on. Peter sighed and hugged his knees, wondering if it was too late for a cup of hot chocolate. **

'No,' the Marauders said at the same time.

'I must be a freak in this.' Peter sighed, disappointed that even in this promising story, fanfiction!he had still deserted him. 'How could anyone think it's too late for a cup of hot chocolate?'

**He was lonely – **

Lily wrapped her arms around Peter.

**not something anyone wanted to feel over the winter holidays.**

'But at other times, feeling lonely was _just _what people were looking for,' said Remus. 'Loneliness is generally considered a negative feeling, author. People tend to avoid that.'

'At least I'm still alive,' said Peter. 'And not raped by Dumbledore or stuck in the Floo Network or whatever else I do in those stories.'

**A shadow fell over the water, **

'It was the Holy Spork of Spoleto, giving this Peter a backbone and better friends,' said Lily. 'Merlin knows that he needs them. You're pretty shitty friends to him in fanfiction,' she said to James, Sirius and Remus.

**and Peter looked up to see Melissa Zambrose, **

'Do we know her?' James said.

'No,' said Remus.

**a friendly Hufflepuff girl with bouncy caramel curls. She was bundled up in her cloak and a colourful scarf, but the cold didn't seem to bother her.**

'I think Pete's about to get laid,' said Sirius, sounding surprised. 'By a girl, I mean.'

'I hope so,' said Peter. 'I'm not sure if this is subtext or not, but… it would be nice for a change.'

'If she's a Sue…' Lily stroked the Spork.

**"Hi, Peter," she said, brushing the snow away and sitting next to him. She sighed, her breath steaming in the cold air.**

**"What's up?" he asked, trying not to stammer. **

'Because Merlin forbid I might be able to talk to girls.' Peter rolled his eyes. 'I _am _a Marauder, you know. I _have _had a girlfriend. Why am I the socially inept one? That's what Moony is for!'

'I'm already the paedophile,' said Remus. 'We all have our own crosses to bear, Wormtail.'

**Ever since the incident in the Great Hall, when he'd accidentally tripped and dropped a plate of food on her, it had been harder and harder to look at her without blushing.**

'Let's hope the food was water and that she was wearing a white blouse,' said Sirius.

'… Underneath her robes, you mean,' Lily said.

'Not in my imagination.'

**"Nothing much," she answered, looking out over the lake. "I have some homework to do, but I can get it done later tonight. You?"**

James pretended to stifle a yawn. 'A riveting conversation if ever there was one.'

**"Some Transfiguration stuff," he answered, embarrassed. **

'Why would he be embarrassed about that?' said Peter. 'It's not a sexy subject, but homework is pretty normal at Hogwarts, isn't it? Or have I not been ashamed enough all these years?'

'Well, doing your homework is something to be avoided, of course,' James said, 'but it's nothing to be ashamed of. At least, unless you do it like Moony. He _should _be ashamed of it. Writing essays three times as long as necessary – as if teachers want to read that.'

**"James offered to help me later, but I think he may have forgotten..."**

'You're a git,' Lily said. 'Peter, you can say what you want, but your friends are portrayed _horribly _whenever you're around. You're not the only one being treated badly by those authors. I just think they don't realize how mean they make the other characters.'

**"Oh." They were silent for a moment, then she said, "Want me to help you?"**

'Someone's going to score,' Sirius said.

**"You?" Peter asked, **

'No, Snivellus,' said Sirius. 'Yes, you! Gah!'

**feeling his face heat up. "But I thought your best subject was Astronomy?"**

'Because a person can't possibly be good at _two _things,' said Lily.

'Of course not. Don't you know I actually consist out of a hundred different people, all pretending to be Sirius Black?'

**"It is," Melissa said, shrugging, "But I could use the help, too. Maybe we could...study together?"**

'That's subtext.' Peter was amazed. 'Or maybe inept flirting. But it's something, isn't it?'

**Peter blushed, not believing his luck. Melissa actually wasn't upset over the food incident? **

'Well, you _do _make little things very dramatic,' said James. 'We have to hand the author that. You're at least partly in-character.'

Peter shrugged. He was just happy that for once, things seemed to go semi-well for him in a story.

**And she wanted to study! With him! "Er, alright," he said, trying to sound offhand about it. They stood, shivering slightly, and hurried inside.**

**Madam Pince glared at them as they tracked snow into the library, **

'She wouldn't just glare at you for that,' said Lily. 'She'd eat you alive. You're lucky in this story, Peter.'

**but they ignored her. **

'Why are all these things phrased just _so_ that they make people sound like the biggest douches?' said Lily. 'It seems very unkind to just say "but they ignored her", like her opinion doesn't matter…'

**Even Remus, who was so careful with books, couldn't escape her watchful eye.**

'And that's enough reason to ignore her?' said Remus. 'I… miss a couple of steps of logic in that reasoning.'

**Speaking of Remus...**

'There he was, jerking off,' said Sirius. 'And there was much rejoicing.'

**"Hey, Peter," Remus said as they made their way over to the tables. "And... Melinda, right?"**

'I hope I do know the names of people in our year. What kind of Prefect am I?!'

**"Melissa," she corrected, pulling her scarf off. "And you're Remus. **

'Yes, we can assume that I know that. You don't have to tell me.'

**Aren't you the mastermind behind the Marauders' schemes?"**

'No,' James and Sirius said.

**Peter bit his lip. As soon as he'd managed to hold a decent conversation with a girl, **

'That wasn't a decent conversation,' said Peter. 'That barely counted as small talk! Again, I _do _talk to girls!'

**one of his friends had to show up and steal her attention. **

'To be fair, they did to go where Moony was sitting,' said James. 'And he just said "hi". Maybe you're onto something with your theory that we're all arses, Lily. It never occurred to me words could have that many connotations…'

'I've a good eye for that. Or maybe I'm just guided by the Holy Spork.'

**He couldn't blame them, but it still bothered him.**

'Is this the part where I start whining about how I'd be better off being not-friends with them anymore?' said Peter. 'Because that was bull the first time and it will be bull this time.'

'Nah, Remus is helping you get some,' Sirius said. 'You'll see.'

**Remus grinned shyly. **

'Ariana has made me hate that adjective,' said Remus. 'I just hope I won't be murmuring, too.'

**"I guess you could stay that." **

'Liar,' said James. 'Stealing our glory!'

**He glanced at Peter, curiosity in his eyes. "I'll leave you two to study, then."**

'Why? They can sit somewhere else,' said Remus. 'If they want to be alone, they shouldn't go to you first!'

'I'm just rude in this. I'm sorry,' Peter said.

**Peter mouthed a silent _thank you _**

'Huh. Not even that rude.'

**as Remus gathered his books and left. Remus winked slightly, **

'How do you wink slightly?' James said. 'Is that when you don't bring your eyelid down all the way, but just stop halfway down your eye? Like a half-wink?'

**causing Peter's face to redden.**

'Shall we all just say it in unison?' Peter said.

They sighed, and then: 'Subtext.'

'It's the first Moony/Wormtail pairing I've seen, though,' said James. 'Moony gets around too, doesn't he? After Sirius, he must be the most-shagged one…'

'Well, yes, but you mustn't forget that I am, in fact, sex on legs.'

**Melissa, thankfully, didn't seem to notice. **

'She just doesn't want to acknowledge you're gay,' said Sirius to Peter. 'She noticed.'

**"So, where do you want to start?" she asked.**

**They spent most of the afternoon in the library, gradually abandoning the books in favour of conversation. **

'Then don't go to the library,' said Remus. 'People go there for the peace and quiet! For _studying_! People like you make me glad I'm a Prefect and can kick you out! Sorry, Wormtail,' he added. 'You're just enormously rude in this fic.'

**The more Peter talked, the less nervous he became, until he realized with a start that Melissa's hand was just inches from his own.**

**He gulped and looked at her nervously. Her cheeks coloured slightly, but, to his surprise, she inched her hand closer until it was nearly touching his.**

'Oh, that angst,' said Sirius. 'Holding someone's hand isn't _that _scary.'

'Padfoot, this Peter called "Hey, I have homework" a normal conversation with a girl,' said James. 'He's obviously got less experience with girls than I did when I started pursuing Lily. Holding hands _is _a big deal then.'

**"Peter," Melissa said suddenly, "Can I ask you something?"**

**Peter stammered for a bit before managing to get out, "Er, didn't you just do that?"**

**She laughed, the sound breaking the tension between them. **

'And the attention and focus normal people had on their homework,' Remus said darkly. 'Because she's rude, too.'

Lily handed him the Spork, and he turned it around in his hands, feeling its calming power surge through him.

**"I guess I just did." She was quiet for a second, then she said, "Do you like me?"**

'No. You're rude,' said Peter. 'Then again, so am I, so maybe we're meant to be. At least you don't have a beard…'

'Or "rippling muscles,"' Lily said.

**Peter's eyes widened. "I- uh-"**

**"Oh! It's alright," she said, pulling her hand away and hastily packing up her books. "I was just wondering-"**

'She's got the subtlety of the author of Ariana's stories,' said James.

**"Melissa!" Peter reached out and grabbed her hand. **

'Oh! Dramatic moment!' Sirius clapped in his hands. 'Are we finally getting some sex scenes?'

**"No, it's not like that! You just startled me, is all." He swallowed, then mumbled, "And...yeah, I guess...I do."**

'How does he know?' said Lily. 'They've only had one actual conversation, considering the rest of this story seemed to be a "first meeting" kind of thing.'

'Maybe my feelings are just superficial,' said Peter. 'We can't all have your True Love™.'

**Melissa's face lit up. So quickly that Peter almost wasn't sure what happened, she leaned in and quickly pecked him on the cheek.**

'She moves fast,' said James. 'Only lines ago she was nervous about her hand being near his!'

**"I guess I'll see you around,' she said, grabbing her bag. **

'Yes, because just walking away after kissing someone isn't confusing _at all_,' Peter said. 'I'm not bad with girls in fanfiction; girls are just bad with _thinking_.'

**Just as she reached the doors, she turned and waved, her hair catching the sun in warm highlights.**

'Wouldn't it be nicer if that said, "the light of the sun brought out the warm highlights in her hair" or something like that?' said Remus. 'The hair doesn't catch the sun; the sun catches the hair. Doesn't it?'

'I don't know,' Sirius said. 'Let it go.'

**Peter waved back, grinning suddenly when the realization of what happened began to sink in. **

'Then it isn't sudden,' said Remus. '"Sinking in" implies a longer process, so it would be more logical for his smile to break through slowly, and that would mean "suddenly" would look weird in that sentence.'

'That's nit-picking and it's bad,' said Sirius. 'Someone take the Spork from him.'

**He touched his cheek, then hurried out, feeling the best he had all week.**

'So they're both just running away from the crime scene now,' said James, taking the Spork from Remus. 'Why?'

**Tomorrow, he decided, he'd ask Melissa out properly. The guys would never believe it- he, Peter Pettigrew, would be the first one out of all of them to get a girlfriend!**

'… When does this take place?' said Sirius. 'Because I had a girlfriend in third year…'

'Why would Spork-sending powers want us to read that?' said James.

'Good question.' Remus looked at the book. 'What was the main message in this? The story was called _I'm still a Marauder_ – could it be so we'd appreciate Pete more? Or is it just…'

Suddenly, the Spork started glowing with a strange, green light. James dropped it, but it floated around them, and a voice said, 'Message to Marauders: this was because Peter _can _be loved, if you look deep enough. More information will come soon.'

The Spork shook and then it fell to the floor.

'Well,' Sirius said, picking it up. 'That was weird.'

* * *

**A/N: This was written by dndchk and can be found on her profile! She felt bad for Peter after all those stories of abuse, so here :) Don't worry, more Ariana is coming!**


	57. Ariana Riddle VIII

'And now for something completely different… I think I might know why we got that Spork,' said Sirius, who was Guided by the Light of the Spork and thus Knew The Things That Were Happening™. 'It wasn't for the last story – it was because we have a new Ariana.'

'We're definitely going to need the Spork, then.' Lily sounded worried. If they needed the Spork for this chapter, how bad would it be? What kind of Sueness, what linguistic horrors, what strange comparisons would they read now?

'Do you want it?' Sirius said.

Lily nodded and got the Spork. The eating utensil filled her with a hope that she could make it through this story, if only she was strong enough.

**Sirius and Ariana broke free. **

'Be safe, fanfiction!me! You can do it, I know you can,' said Sirius. 'We have the Spork now – we'll save you!'

'Fanfiction!you has been lost for a long time,' said Peter. 'Especially in Ariana.'

**Ariana's heart and head were reeling from all the things that had happened. The feeling of Sirius's lips, **

'Is it me, or is reading about being kissed my Sirius awkward for all of you?' said James. 'Because I can't get used to it. It might be even weirder than reading about how I kiss, and _that _was pretty strange…'

**the love he conveyed through his kiss, **

'I don't love her!'

**and now Tiffany. **

'That's the one I love. Save me, Tiffany, save me! Take the Spork and GO!'

**The girl looked about ready for a murder. **

Sirius's face lit up.

'Maybe we're not the only ones who got a Spork,' said Remus. 'How cool would it be if the author suddenly had Tiffany Spork Ariana to death? It would give a completely unexpected twist, wouldn't it?'

**Her black hair swirled around her face as she ran up to Ariana and pushed her against the wall.**

'**You - !' she spat, uttering a word so foul Ariana didn't even know what it meant. **

'Personal pronouns _are _difficult,' Peter said.

'No, I think she means that Ariana just can't grasp the Sueness of herself,' said James. 'Now that she's confronted with herself, it becomes all too much for her.'

Lily coughed. 'Or maybe the author couldn't think of any vile words and decided to mask it like this.'

'I like my theory better,' said James.

'**How dare you? **

'Yes, Ariana! How dare you?' Sirius said.

**He is mine! MINE!'**

'Oh, great. Another crazy chick. Tiffany, don't go all mental on me – you're the _one _hero we have in this story,' said Sirius.

'That's not true. I oppose her, too,' Lily said. 'Still, it would be a shame to lose Tiffany to Scary Suedom…'

**Adriana tried to get away, but Tiffany's strength was fuelled by her anger and she wouldn't let go, at least not until Sirius pulled her off Ariana.**

'Sirius!' said James. 'Tiffany was about to kill her!'

'I'm not responsible for my fanfiction!character's actions!'

'**Tiffany, stop this!' **

'I hate fanfiction!me.'

**he commanded. 'Let Ariana go!'**

'Maybe he's just trying to tell her to wait, because Sporks work better than strangling?' said Peter.

'**But you cannot love her! **

'I don't! Tiffany, I don't love her! I love you!'

'Talk about dramatic,' Lily said. 'Paddie - '

This was bad enough to get him out of his Ariana-induced rage. His head snapped up and he looked at Lily. '_Paddie_?'

'Yes – from Padfoot, except Paddie? I think I'm going to use it when I want to annoy you. But, anyway, Paddie - '

James, Remus and Peter exchanged knowing smirks. _Paddie _was here to stay.

**You love me!' she cried.**

'This is unfair,' said Peter. 'Sirius can't help it that Ariana has brainwashed him. Think of him, Tiffany, and try to save him!'

**He shook his head, looking from Tiffany's face to Ariana's. Yes, they were both beautiful, **

'Of course,' Lily said. 'We can't have an ugly protagonist, can we? Superficial bitch.'

**of course they were, **

Lily let out a strangled laugh. 'They acknowledge it! They acknowledge that – oh my God, why does this still surprise me? Spork, you were supposed to protect me from this!'

**but could Tiffany not see that his heart beat only for Ariana? **

'Probably because it doesn't,' said Sirius. 'It beats to keep my blood pumping. And in the metaphorical sense, it beats because I'm awesome and the world needs that amount of coolness. Not because of Ariana's boobs, large as they might be.'

**That every waking moment, he thought of **

'Sporking Ariana? Pranks? Food?'

'You'll have no such luck and you know it,' said Remus.

**_her _blonde hair, full lips and sweet eyes? How did Tiffany fail to understand that Ariana was superior to her in every way – physically, **

'Stop with the endless praising of her beauty above all other things,' said Lily. 'Yes, we get it. Hasn't Sirius got _any _reason to be attracted to her other than her good looks? Ariana, your True Love ™ sucks.'

**morally, **

'How has she shown us that?' said Remus. 'When has she ever done anything kind for _anyone _in this story?'

**and emotionally?**

Peter frowned. 'This might be a stupid question, but… how can you be emotionally superior to someone else? What does that mean?'

'I don't know,' said Remus. 'I'm sorry, Peter. I don't know.'

'**But I love you,' Tiffany whispered.**

'I love you too, Tiffany,' said Sirius. 'Let us fight Sues together!'

'**I know,' he acknowledged, 'but I don't love you. **

'I adore you? I… acknowledge you are amazing, but can't deny the fact that you're a Sue?' said Sirius. 'I'm secretly gay with Remus? Please, let those be the reasons.' He read ahead and, to his nonexistent surprise, he found those _weren't _the reasons.

**I love Ariana with all of my heart.'**

'You've already lost your brain in this,' said James. 'Maybe we can say your heart didn't make it to this fic either, meaning you don't love Ari at all?'

**Tiffany looked about to faint. She couldn't believe Sirius would choose Ariana over her. **

'Okay, wait,' said James. 'First, we read things from Ariana's point of view. Then we had that random part in Sirius's mind, just so we could be reminded how amazing Ariana is. And now we're in Tiffany's brain? Isn't that cheating, writing-style like?'

'James, do you want the Spork?' Lily said. 'It gives great comfort.'

'No, I think you need it more. But thank you for the offer.'

**She'd always been the prettiest, **

'Still are,' said Sirius. 'You still are, Tiffany!'

**the most popular, **

'I thought I was the most popular?' said Lily. 'If Tiffany is, why does Ariana want to "dethrone" me?'

'Because you were mean to Prongs and rejected him,' said Peter. 'And because your breasts were small.'

'Oh, right.'

**the most _wanted_, and now this Ariana was stealing her spotlight? **

'Tiff, Ariana is only the most wanted with a "Dead or Alive" clause,' said Remus.

**Stealing her boyfriend, too? **

'_Was _I Tiffany's boyfriend?' said Sirius. 'Didn't it say a couple of chapters back that I'd rejected her and that she was still bitter about it?'

'This provides more wangst,' said Lily. 'Besides, continuity is for the weak!'

**She hurried off, trying to hide the tears in her eyes.**

'**Are you okay?' Sirius asked Ariana, putting his arms around her.**

' – and strangling her?'

**Ariana nodded, though she wasn't sure. The events of today had shocked her. **

'And we're back into Ariana's mind,' said Remus. 'Sloppy, sloppy.'

'Not to mention _boring_,' said Sirius. 'Though I'm glad I won't have to witness my raped train of thought anymore, I would've liked to know Tiffany's hate-filled thoughts….'

'**I guess so.'**

'**You are so brave,' he whispered, **

'Now I'm just confusing,' said Sirius. 'Did I miss the part where she was brave? And I'm not being snarky here – I _honestly _can't remember her being anything resembling brave.'

'I think… that… when she didn't fight Tiffany…' said Peter, though he wasn't sure. 'Maybe that was brave?'

**kissing her. **

'Maybe she's brave in the sense that Sirius wants to kill her, but she still kisses him back,' said James.

'That would just make her monumentally stupid,' said Remus.

'Ah, but Moony, this author has yet to learn the difference.'

'**You weren't afraid of her at all, were you?'**

'… So that _is _why she's brave,' said Peter. 'No wonder she didn't make it into Gryffindor, if she considers that bravery…'

'No, _Sirius _considers this bravery,' Lily said. 'Paddie's a wimp.'

'**No. I just feel so sorry for her,' she sighed, **

'Oh, how _noble_,' Remus sneered.

'She's not angry, she's disappointed,' James said solemnly.

**and the sound was like an angel's whisper. **

Remus flinched as if he were in physical pain. 'Someone tell me she didn't just write that. There aren't enough Sporks in the universe to make that line go away! Like an angel's whisper? Why? WHY?!'

'**Oh, Sirius, what will I do? **

'Die,' Sirius said. 'Painfully.'

**I cannot let her suffer this way – **

'She was rejected by Sirius – she'll get over it,' said James. 'It's not the end of the world. He has someone else. That's life.'

**even someone as vile as Tiffany doesn't deserve that. **

'What, exactly, has Tiffany done to deserve this amount of vilification?' said Lily. 'Yes, she was rude to Ariana and she seems to think my sister is her minion, and this was a bit violent, but… all in all, she's not _that _bad.'

**And she will make my life hell as long as we're together, **

'And you _deserve _it,' Remus said. 'Too bad, peanut butter!'

None of the others knew how to respond to that. Eventually, James cleared his throat. 'Too bad, peanut butter?'

Remus nodded. 'It's a translation of a Dutch catchphrase. I heard it and liked it…'

'Moony… no.' Sirius shook his head. 'As a bestselling author in spe, I have to tell you that "too bad, peanut butter" will never be cool, no matter from what language it's derived.'

**but I can't be away from you. **

'Try,' said Sirius. 'You might be stronger than you know!'

**My life would be empty without you.' **

'No, Ariana, that's your head,' said Lily. 'I suppose I don't need to rant about why people should have a life outside of their significant others?'

'Nah, I think we get the gist,' Sirius said.

**Her eyes filled with tears, and one spilled over and travelled down her cheek.**

'Even when she's crying she has to do it prettily,' said Lily. 'Why can't she just cry like normal people, with snot and heaves and general un-feminine-ness?'

**Sirius touched the corner of her eye, trapping it. He lifted his finger, examining the drop of moisture **

'No. I'm fascinated by a tear?' Sirius looked revolted. 'Tears don't look that interesting, okay? They're drops of water. Please don't make me look _interested _in them!'

**broodingly. **

'Broodingly?! _Broodingly?! _I don't brood! Especially not when looking at someone's tears! That's just ridiculous!'

**Then, so quickly Ariana couldn't be sure that he really did, **

' – he Sporked her!'

**he put his finger to his mouth to taste it.**

Sirius's jaw dropped and he reached for the Spork. With the Holy Spork in his hand, he had the power to overcome that sentence. 'That's just weird. That's – that's so weird. Why would I do that? _Why?_!'

'Maybe it's deep and meaningful and a sign of your love,' said Lily.

'Ugh. I'd rather make babies with Prongs than have meaningful signs like _that_.'

'**Shall we go and have dinner, then?' he proposed. **

'You mean he isn't going to eat more of her tears?' said Peter. 'Good. Because that made me nervous. I don't even know if it's subtext or plain disturbing…'

'**You look as if you could use something to eat; **

'"Here, have some arsenic,"' Lily said. "It goes so well with this death cap!"

**you're so skinny.'**

Lily's eyes tightened. 'I. Don't. Care. How. Pretty. And. Skinny. She. Is! If she was an interesting character, it wouldn't _matter _what she looked like!'

'**Oh, stop it, you,' she said, blushing. **

'You just _know _she wants him to go on,' said James.

'**No, I mean it. **

'And I'm stupid enough to comply. Why, Sirius in fanfiction? You're even dumber than you were in _Stagman_!'

**It's amazing – **

'It's amazing how skinny she is?' Peter cocked his head, confused. 'In that case, shouldn't he be worrying for her health?'

**you're so skinny, yet so…' **

'… ugly?' said Sirius. 'Annoying? Sporkable?'

**He shook his head, unable to find words to describe Ariana's **

'Sueness,' said Remus.

**physical perfection. **

All eyes went to Lily, whose eyes flared dangerously.

'Not just her perfection. He just doesn't _care _about her personality,' she muttered. 'Which is good for her, because she doesn't _have _a personality, but oh my GOD, don't these authors want to be loved for who they are, instead of their looks?'

**He wasn't even sure if there _was _a word in the English language for such a level of utter beauty. **

'It's Mary Sue,' said James. ´Look it up.´

**Maybe they had to make 'Ariana' a new word, just for her. **

´And… maybe not,´ said Remus. ´It would be cruel to the girls named Ariana who are actually _normal_.´

**He should look into that.**

´I have to admit, I do kind of like the idea of Sirius just putting a new word into our language,´ said Remus. 'It's a shame that it has to be "Ariana", but the thought is… nice.'

'I'll use lots of neologisms in my novel,' Sirius said. 'And your character can use them.'

'Thanks.'

**They went to the Great Hall, and Ariana sat down at the Gryffindor table. **

'You don't belong there!' said Peter. 'Go away!'

**She caught Severus's eye over the heads of students; **

'Oh, right, they were… friends… right…?' Remus sounded unsure. 'They talked. Right?'

**he looked disappointed that she would be with Sirius, **

'Snivellus, you can have her. She's _all _yours.'

**but he accepted it. He'd always known Ariana was too good for him; **

'Always. Those four weeks he'd actually known her,' said Remus. 'Is this a True Love™ now, too? Is that going to be the love triangle?'

Sirius groaned. 'That would be cruel! I don't want her as my girlfriend, but I can't lose to Snivellus either…I wouldn't be able to win!'

**he only wished she'd stay away from his arch nemesis.**

**Then – a lightning bolt! **

'Was it… a Spork?' Lily said. 'Had it come at last?'

**People cried everywhere out of fear and shock, and then! **

'This is written down,' said Remus. 'You're not _telling _us, author, you've written it _down_, you can't just use "and then!" – it looks beyond horrible.'

**A man came in through the windows, **

'Time to make bets again,' said James. 'I say it's Moony, ending her life with a Spork.'

'I second that,' said Lily.

'I say it's her father, Mister Riddle,' said Sirius. 'He'd heard of her liaison with me, and has now come to warn me.'

'Good one. I might agree with you, but… I think it's Dumbledore,' said Peter.

'And I say this guy is actually a woman,' said Remus. 'And that she and Ariana have hated each other for years and she's come to end Ariana's life out of jealousy.'

**on a broomstick, his black cloaks billowing behind him. He was scary in a way a puppy was not, **

'Depends on what puppies you have,' said James. 'Sirius as a puppy would be _terrifying._'

**with no nose and red eyes. **

'That's all the description we get?' said Remus. 'Sure, I'm sure those are important features, but… now we just have to imagine a man without a nose? Why doesn't he have a nose, by the way? Think she'll explain that?

**He had no nose.**

'She'll repeat it,' said James. 'That's something, right?'

**It was… Voldemort!**

'Guess we were all wrong, then,' said Peter.

'I don't know. I've always thought Voldemort might have some gender issues…' Sirius frowned. 'Maybe Remus is right after all.'

'**Ariana Riddle!' he cackled. 'Where is Ariana Riddle?!'**

'Thank you, Voldemort!' Sirius said. 'Kill her for me!'

'Maybe _he'll _be the second part of the love triangle,' said James.

'Please. He's already been established as not-handsome. You don't think Ariana would kiss anyone who isn't a complete supermodel?' Lily shook her head. 'Oh, James, you're still so young, so innocent…'

'Sirius corrupted all innocence years ago, Lily,' said Remus. 'Don't let James fool you.'

'He corrupted himself,' said Sirius. 'I hardly gave him a hand. Although I will admit that we both corrupted _you, _Moony.'

'And we did it well,' James added.

'Yeah? Guess again, Prongs. I'm going to do my homework now.' After a challenging wiggle of his eyebrows, Remus got up. 'Does anyone want to join me?'

'I do,' said Peter.

'So do I.' Lily got up from her pillow, feeling stiff. 'I suppose there's no way we could persuade you two to come with us?'

'Lily, Prongs and I… we have some things to do,' said Sirius. 'Best if you don't think about that too much. Don't worry, I'll bring him back in one piece.'

'Liar,' said Remus.

'What are you going to do?' said Peter.

James grinned. 'You'll notice later, Pete. Trust us.'


	58. Drama in the Potter Home

'I know it's bad, but I see subtext in real life now,' Peter said at dinner that night. 'And that subtext is telling me that your boyfriend is shagging Sirius, Lily.'

She sighed. 'Would you believe me if I said that the Companion had me thinking the same things? It's so embarrassing, seeing something and thinking, "Well, in _fanfiction_…" Yesterday I saw you and Remus playing chess and all I could think of was how fanfiction authors would use that as a secret code for your love.'

'That sounds interesting,' said Remus. 'What was your conclusion?'

'That because you were white and started it, you'd probably be the initiator in the relationship, but you'd lost a few pawns, so that was…' She frowned as she tried to remember her crazy theory. 'Peter had broken through your defences, something like that.'

'I suppose this means we'll never play chess again?' said Peter.

'Oh, I don't know… I've got used to being gay in fanfiction. I mean, I don't _get _why everybody wants me to shag Sirius, but…' Remus stared at a mushroom, deep in thought. 'Compared to what the others have to go through, I've got it pretty good. Sirius is the ultimate slut, you're everybody's pissing pole, Lily's got the least consistent characterization _ever_ and James just always becomes a psychopath.'

'At least you're just a paedophile, right, Moony?' the psychopath said, taking a seat next to Peter.

'All young girls I slept with gave their consent,' said Remus. 'Which I can't say about _you _in some of those stories.'

'Well, yes, but Prongs isn't sex on legs,' said Sirius. 'So abducting Lily or making her his slave really _are _the only ways for him to get laid.'

'While everybody knows it's his mum I long for,' Lily said. 'Good to see you two are back. Do I want to know what you've been up to? Why do I keep ending my sentences with prepositions?' She eyes the Spork she was using for her pasta. 'You're a bad literary device.'

'No, you're committing sacrilege,' said Sirius, taking the Spork. He tipped it with his wand, so it became clean again and then put it in his pocket. 'Don't use the Spork like that, Lily, or you might find yourself doing worse things than ending sentences with prepositions.'

'Yeah, you might become a real life Mary Sue,' said Peter.

'Or you could start using dialogue tags,' James said. 'Remus would have no choice but to Spork you right there and then.'

'So, I take it you've all been good little students and finished your homework?' said Sirius.

'Naturally. I was with those two.' Peter gestured at Lily and Remus. 'What else did you expect?'

'In that case, I propose another chapter from the Companion for tonight,' said Sirius. 'Are you in?'

As if he had to ask.

Sirius sat down on the teacher's table and looked around the classroom they'd chosen. 'This one is about Lily confronting James after he has said a little too much to "a certain Lupin". 'I hope this is all code language to tell us that they're in some strange threesome, but we'll find out.'

'**James Potter! I hate you! I HATE YOU!'**

'And we're off to a great start,' said Peter. 'No time wasted with introductions – straight to the hatred!'

'**Calm down, Lily,' he said, taking a couple of steps backwards. **

'I'd take more than a couple,' said James. 'When she starts yelling "I hate you", it's generally a sign things are _really _bad. Running isn't dishonourable in such a situation, fanfiction!James.'

'Knowing your fanfiction!self, you've probably done something revolting enough to warrant that attack,' Remus said. 'I've no doubt you had it coming.'

**He glanced through the window, but it seemed he and Lily were home alone today. **

'We live together and she's still shouting she hates me? How badly have I fucked up, I wonder?'

'Maybe this is the day after that one story, _Territory_, and she only now found out that the sweet dog you had, who came in when she was having a shower, was in fact your best friend,' said Peter.

Sirius blanched. 'I hope not. That probably means I'm buried in the backyard.'

**He wasn't sure whether that was a good or bad thing.**

'It's a bad thing,' said James. 'Run. _Run_.'

'**No! I won't calm down!' The way she stood in the light, her red hair surrounding her head like flames, **

'Take the purple prose away from me, please,' Lily said. 'Although it's nice that someone isn't complaining about my hair for once.'

**made James wonder if maybe it hadn't been such a good idea to tell Lupin of her little crush. **

Remus frowned. 'James told me of Lily's crush? On me? Why would he do that?'

'I have no idea…' said James. 'Maybe I want to be in a threesome?'

'We haven't read anything shipping a threesome with us, have we?' Lily said. 'I must say… out of all the threesomes I could have… it doesn't sound all that bad. Though whether I'd want James to tell Remus about it? No.'

**But what else was he supposed to do when he saw her notes with 'Lily Lupin' written all over them? **

'Worry if maybe he should work on his bedroom skills,' said Sirius. 'Worry a _lot_.'

**He couldn't just keep that to himself. **

'Yes, you can,' said Remus. 'I really wouldn't want to know.'

'You could tell me,' Peter said. 'I'd see subtext everywhere. It'd be great.'

**She had to be glad he hadn't told Hugo and Rose. **

'Do we know them?' said Sirius. 'Does _anyone _know them?'

**Though maybe he should tell Albus…**

Lily opened her mouth, closed it again, and repeated that action several times before a sound came out. 'Why in the name of Merlin's Holy Spork would I want Dumbledore to know about my crush on Remus? That doesn't make sense no matter _how _you look at it!'

'Why would I even think this?' said James. '"Oh, my girlfriend fancies my friend. Let's tell our headmaster!" Why? _Why?_'

**One look at his sister's eyes told him that would be the death of him.**

'Since when have I got a sister?' James had gone pale. 'I get it that Sirius suddenly has one, but my family's been butchered more than enough by fanfiction! What is this? Is she suddenly my mum's _real _child? Has my father given birth to _two _children? And what is my sister doing here anyway? I thought Lily and… I… were …alone…' He became quiet as the realization hit him. 'Lily, these people seem to think we're related.'

'I'm fairly sure I'm my parents' child,' said Lily. 'Although with your parents… who knows?'

'That has to be the first incest thus far,' said Peter.

'Well, that became disturbing,' Sirius said. 'Let's continue! Maybe it'll get worse!'

'**It's just a joke?' he said, shrugging. **

'Why aren't I worried in this fic that Lily's my sister?' said James. 'Oi! Lily! Is! Your! Sister! And… oh. Maybe we're just not together and Lily wants to shag Remus. I… in this situation, I'm completely fine with that.'

'You'd want Moony banging your sister?' said Sirius.

'Rather him than you. Or her brother.'

'**Please don't go mental. You don't think Teddy would really - '**

They all sat up straight.

'I thought Teddy was my son,' said Remus. 'Lily, you fancy my _son_. You're the new main paedophile in this group. My _son_, Lily!'

'Rather your son than my brother!'

'How did things get so weird?' said Peter. 'How?'

'I told someone who is at _least _thirty years younger than us that Lily fancies him,' James said. 'I must've scarred him for life… Although I've no doubt you still look gorgeous when you're fifty,' he added.

'**That doesn't matter! You shouldn't have told him, you stupid _prick!_'**

**At that moment, the door to their living room opened and the love-man himself came in. **

'… Please don't make me one of their scary paedophile incest people, too,' said Sirius.

**Teddy Lupin's **

'Thank Spork.'

**hair was a lively shade of blond today, **

'Because he's a Metamorphmagus. That's cool,' said Peter. 'Moony, your son is awesome, even if he does attract old women.'

**and he'd given himself a big nose that looked surprisingly good on him. **

'Well, you know what they say about men with big noses…' Lily said feebly. 'Maybe that's – oh. Wow. I'd never thought of those opportunities with a Metamorphmagus… Maybe I _should _go after your son, Moony…'

'Lily. Don't make this worse,' said James.

**In his hand he was holding the new issue of _Transfiguration Today_, though it was obvious he thought the spectacle in front of him was more amusing. **

'Everything's more amusing than _Transfiguration Today_,' said Sirius.

James shrugged. 'I like it.'

'Prongs, you are pathetic. After what we did this afternoon - '

Lily, Remus and Peter all tried to hide their smiles.

'– how can you think something like _Transfiguration Today _is interesting?'

'**Hey Ted,' James said. 'What are you doing here?'**

'"Just about to shag your sister-girlfriend,"' said Peter. '"Apparently she fancies me."'

'**Harry and I were supposed to go over some things for work. **

'Harry! Our child!' Lily cheered, then wondered what his role in this would be. It was enough to make her feel queasy.

**There's this crazy sect of sparkling fae who seem to think they're vampires and are attacking Muggle women. **

'Fae always have been a bit weird,' said Remus. 'Though why they'd think they are vampires…'

**Hey Lil,' he added, winking at Lily. **

'You can say what you want, but for an older woman, I've still got admirers,' Lily said.

**She became a bright red, but smiled back tentatively. 'Hi Teddy.' She then continued to glare at her brother, lest he tell Teddy anything he wasn't supposed to.**

'Like her age,' said Peter.

**James knew better than to aggravate Lily like that. **

'So he'll learn _something _in those thirty years,' said Remus. 'That's comforting.'

**Gone were the days when he was the Wizard supreme in their house; **

Lily smirked. 'You never were, darling.'

**it turned out Lily had a real knack for offensive spells, **

'And I won't find out until I'm about fifty?' said Lily. 'I already know that! What is the timeline in this story? How old am I? Why is James my brother? Why do I think shagging Teddy is a good idea?' She hesitated. 'Aren't I dead, anyway? How does this work?'

**especially those that disfigured her opponents. **

'Well, I wouldn't say those are my strongest suit…'

**Though they weren't at Hogwarts now, **

'Seeing as we finished thirty years earlier,' said James. 'Is that worth mentioning?'

**he knew that getting on her bad side was a bad idea.**

'He's got something right,' Sirius said.

'**It's so cool that you're an Auror now.' **

'Ha! He's legal!'

'He's still my son!'

'But he's legal!'

**James wasn't able to hide his jealousy entirely. **

Sirius laughed. 'Oh no, is Prongs feeling sad because he didn't achieve what he wanted in life? Is he jealous of Moony's boy?'

'Maybe he's got his midlife crisis,' said Peter. 'My dad had one last year. He thought it would be a _great _idea to buy a talking lizard… I tell you, that beast is so obnoxious, it's unbelievable, but apparently it reminds my father of "what it's like to be young".'

'A talking lizard does that?' Sirius said.

'I don't know how it works.'

'**I wish Dad would take me with him…'**

Remus frowned. 'James says that? James wants Charlus to take him to his work, because…? And Charlus isn't even an Auror. What is going on here?'

Sirius felt something glowing in his pocket. He got out the Spork and when he touched the warm metal, he got an Insight of Insightfulness. 'That's not Prongs. That's Harry's boy – and Lily's his daughter.'

'Oh. _Oh_.' Lily let out a relieved breath. 'That makes everything _so _much better. And more logical.'

**Teddy snorted. 'You only say that because you're not _actually _an Auror yet. **

'_Yet_. But he will be,' said James. 'I feel that my grandson is going to do that. My _grandson_. Blimey.'

**Most of our job is boring paper work. **

'Not listening!' Sirius said.

**But hey, don't let that stop you from becoming an - '**

**He was interrupted by Albus Severus, **

'WHAT?!'

'Another son of Harry,' said Sirius, Guided by the Spork. 'Although why on _Earth _Harry would call his son that… Why?'

'Maybe he and Severus are good friends?' said Lily. 'Maybe he knows someone else who's named Severus?'

'This poor boy,' Peter said softly. 'Imagine having those names. Albus is horrible, but Severus is even worse! He has no normal names to fall back on!'

'Forget that! Why – is – my - grandson – named – after – SNIVELLUS?!'

**who came running in a piece of parchment. A very _old _piece of parchment. **

'I don't care about the parchment! Explain his name to me!' He turned to Sirius. 'Doesn't the Spork say anything about this?'

Sirius shook his head. 'Sorry, mate.'

'**James? What is this?'**

'Yes, James, _what is this?_ How did this happen?! Why is he your brother?'

**Teddy's jaw dropped. **

'He, too, couldn't believe someone named Potter would also be named Severus.'

'Maybe we should give him the tiara again,' Peter said to Remus. 'If anyone deserves it…'

**He looked from the parchment to James. 'You have the Map?'**

'The Map?' said Remus. 'As in, the Marauders' Map?'

'**What map?' said Lily.**

'Thank you. Make them specify it for us.'

'**None at all.' James snatched the parchment from his younger brother **

'Yes, that will make them believe it's not important,' said Sirius. 'Truly, it's a miracle the Potter genes even made it that far into the pool of natural selection.'

**and held it behind his back, as if the others would then forget it was there. **

'He has all the subtlety of a train crashing into a house,' said Remus.

'**Al, what were you doing in my room in the first place?'**

'Yes, you Severus-named Potter! What were you doing in there?'

'**You have the Map?' Teddy said again. 'Why didn't you tell me?'**

'Your son's cool, Moony,' said Sirius. 'He makes up for the disaster Prongs spawned.'

'**Why would I?'**

'Because Teddy is more intelligent than you could ever hope to be,' said Sirius. 'And his hair changes colour!'

'**What Map?' Lily put her hands on her hips, her love for Teddy forgotten in the light of this bigger, more important discovery. 'James - '**

James smiled. 'Ah. My granddaughter reminds me of you, Evans.'

'You'd almost think we're related, huh?' said Lily.

'**What is this? The Spanish Inquisition?' **

'Well, no, because it was obviously unexpected,' said Lily. 'Unfortunately. I still can't believe it was expected. You killed me with that, Remus.'

**James said. 'Do I need to tell you people _everything _I do?'**

'Yes,' everybody said.

'**Yes,' the others said.**

'Nothing changes,' said Remus. 'Good to know.'

'**Mostly because you tend to do thing that are unbelievably stupid,' said Teddy. 'You need someone to - '**

**This story shouldn't be here. **

'Sorry?' Lily said. She looked at Sirius, who shrugged and continued reading.

**The Companion got confused due to Lily Luna Potter and James Sirius Potter, whose names are identical to the Marauders. It will now be deleted from the Companion.**

The next moment, the entire page went blank.

'Well, that was… weird,' said James. 'Why do these things keep happening? Is it because of the Spork? Is the Companion broken? What's - '

He couldn't continue, because at that moment, the door opened and a very large, very pink cake came flying in.


	59. Innocence

'It turned out well, didn't it?' James said, rubbing his hands together at the sight. 'I tell you, Pads, mum was so wrong when she said we couldn't cook. We have the ultimate cooking skills.'

'Or we just had the ultimate help of the House Elves,' said Sirius. 'One or the other.'

'Exactly.'

The cake positioned itself on one of the tables, just as Lily said, 'Wait – _you_ made a cake? That's what you've been doing all afternoon? Baking this big… pink… delicious-looking cake?'

Sirius nodded. 'Sometimes, men just need to do something like that, Evans.'

'I see so much subtext in that cake,' Peter said, wishing he could erase fanfiction from his mind.

'Oh, yeah, the icing is a sign of my homosexuality and this…' Sirius pointed at dots of whipped cream, 'those stand for all the babies Prongs is going to get, either with Lily or with Snivellus, and then there is of course the pinkness, which is an allegory for Moony's paedophilia. Top the whole thing off with marzipan for the fact that you're always a loser and let's just say the insides represent Lily's ever-loving heart in _all _fics.' He nodded, proud of himself. 'There. I just made my cake meaningful.'

'You two have too much spare time,' said Remus, shaking his head.

'No, we just have loads of ways of expressing our creativity.' James conjured a knife and approached the cake. 'So, who wants the first piece?'

'I think _Lily _deserves that,' said Sirius. 'Maybe with _that _tuft of cream?'

James nodded, cut the cake, and gave it to Lily, who looked wary.

'What have you done to it?' she said.

'Nothing, nothing.' Their innocence was convincing in the same way Peter was a popular character in fan fictions, but a couple of minutes later, they all had cake and Sirius said, 'Bon appétit. Let's Spork this.'

Lily brought her fork down on the cake, ripping through the soft cream – and almost dropped her plate when a small person came walking out of it. She couldn't be any bigger than Lily's pink and had been sitting in lotus pose in the cream. Her hair cascaded down her back like a waterfall of coloured marzipan and her candy eyes were of the clearest blue. When she saw what was going on, her mouth, made of a small piece of Red Vine, turned up in a smile.

'Oh, _you_ must be Lily. _My _name is Ariana Riddle,' the girl said.

Lily let out a disbelieving laugh and looked up at James and Sirius. 'You make this?'

'Why _else _do you think the baking took us so long?' Sirius rolled his eyes. 'The cake was easy. This was more difficult.'

Everybody's attention turned back to the miniature Ariana Riddle, who was parading up and down Lily's cake.

'I'm cool in a way Transfiguration essays are not,' she said. 'And I have a deep, dark secret and meaningful dreams.'

'This is amazing,' said Remus. 'The things you could do if you just used your skills for something useful…'

'We know,' James said.

'_You _must be Remus,' Ariana said, looking up at Remus's face. '_My _name is Ariana Riddle. I have a deep, dark secret and Tiffany hates me.'

'Is there any reason why her voice sounds like Sirius's when he's on helium?' Peter said.

'We had to make a girl's voice _somehow!_' Sirius said.

In Peter's piece, Emily, the Fifth Marauder, was hiding. Her sentences were, 'I _told _you that you should've done that!', 'I want to start a Peter fan club' and 'Does my arse look fat in this ice cream?'

Remus's part contained a girl with brown hair, a dress of dark chocolate and very clumsily made heels. 'Hello there, Professor Lupin. Could you help me with my essay?' and 'I know these things because I'm from the future' and 'I'm going to tell Harry about this' were her sentences, at least until Remus decided her marzipan head looked too good and ate her.

Of course, James and Sirius had given themselves a 'surprise' as well. Sirius got Danaë, who kept looking at Lily and saying, 'My life is so hard because I'm a Black', 'I think Lily is sexy' and 'Character development is good.'

And James? He had a small man wearing red underwear over red tights, shouting 'I am Stagman, here to save the world!' and 'I think I might be pregnant.'

'You two are wasting your talents on this,' said Remus. 'But they taste very good.'

'Thank you, Moony. So, while we are enjoying this wonderful meal… another story?' said James. He took the Companion and had soon found something that seemed strange enough to accompany their meal. 'What about this? _Innocence. "After a night of making love to Lily, Remus realises that he can't do this to James. Staying true to his friendship, Remus hurts the only woman he's ever loved." _I'm really curious how that works out._'_

'Let's give it a try,' said Lily. 

**Remus woke up with the smell of apples in his nose. **

'Do you smell of apples?' Sirius said, looking at Lily.

'Nah, more like… like… It's hard to explain. It's this mixture of… Lily,' said James.

Lily smirked. 'I have apple shampoo, yes.'

**He immediately knew what was going on, and his body relaxed against Lily's. **

'So it's just a given that we've had sex, then?' said Remus.

'Yeah. Must be after that one Charms class in sixth year, when you used that great pick up line, remember?'

'Oh, of course.'

**Her hair tickled his face, but he liked it. He liked everything about her:  
**

'I'm going to cry if now all we get is a physical description of me,' said Lily. She had transfigured her fork into a Spork and was waving it around, warning the author that wasn't listening.

**her smile, her wit, the animated way she moved her hands when she talked. **

'Covering her friends in cake in the process,' said Peter.

**Even long before he'd fallen in love with her, he'd known of her great qualities. After all, James talked about them often when he was mentally preparing himself to ask her out once more. **

'Remus, you're a bit of a bastard here,' said James. 'Sleeping with Lily when you know I love her.'

'Haven't you read the summary? We won't stay together,' said Remus. 'Our friendship is worth more. And what can you expect, when I love everything about Lily? If you hadn't told me about it a million times, maybe fanfiction!me would've kept his hands to himself.'

**_James_. **

'Enter: homoerotic prose,' said Peter.

**An overwhelming feeling of guilt engulfed Remus as he thought of his best friend, **

'Good. You should.'

**who was unaware of the betrayal Remus had just committed. **

'You can tell because Remus is still alive,' said James.

**Looking at the sleeping girl in his arms, Remus could only think of James's reaction if he found out. **

'That must've been one shitty shag, then, Evans,' said Sirius. 'If all he can think about is Prongs when you're lying there naked… You did something wrong.'

'Or maybe I'm just a very good friend,' Remus said.

**He'd be heartbroken.**

Lily cocked her head. 'I think it's a good thing that Remus doesn't think "he'd be furious" or "he'd never talk to Remus again". This one sentence shows he really worries about James's feelings, instead of just James's feelings towards _him._' She stopped for a bite of cake. 'I think you _are _a good friend in this story, Remus, putting James above yourself like that. Even though my description sounds a bit gay.'

**Much as Remus loved Lily, he knew James loved her even more. **

'Even when Lily sleeps with someone else, you have your True Love™,' said Sirius. 'Merlin, Prongs. Your love has _really _dedicated fans.'

**He also knew that he could never hurt James like that; **

'Thanks, mate. I appreciate that, even though you just fucked the love of my life.'

'You're welcome.'

**they were friends. James had been there for him when Remus had needed him most. **

'Oh, to call it subtext or to call it friendship… _that _is the question,' said Peter.

'Well, we're going to get some James-loving now,' said James. 'But it seems amicable.'

**James had never let him down, not even when he found out about Remus's problem.**

'I didn't let you down, either,' said Sirius.

'Yes, but I'm not having sex with your girlfriend, so I'm not feeling guilty towards you.'

'One: I don't think I'm James's girlfriend in this,' said Lily. 'Just a hunch. And two: maybe you_ still_ feel guilty, because Sirius and you are in a relationship as well. You never know. I think you should keep that option open, Remus.'

**James had been the most diligent in their research on becoming Animagi – something for which Remus was still grateful every month when the full moon appeared in the sky. **

**And what had Remus done in turn? Slept with the girl who meant _everything _to James.**

'Yeah… that's a pretty shitty way of repaying me, Moony.'

'I know. I'm sorry. I won't do it in real life.' He glanced at Lily. 'I doubt I even could. My chance was in third year. Lily'd just hit me now if I tried.'

**It didn't matter to Remus if Lily didn't like James back. **

'What a great friend,' said Peter. 'Yes, I can see he cares about Prongs's feelings.'

**Fact was that _James _liked her and that therefore, she was off limits to Remus. **

'Yes, indeed, Wormtail. I _do _care.'

**Even if she and James never became a couple, **

'Hah!' James scoffed.

**Remus could hardly become her boyfriend. He could not do that to James.**

'This is rather sad,' said Lily. 'I feel sorry for you, Remus. Now neither of you can have me, just because James likes me and I don't like him, even though I obviously like you. At least, I assume I do, since I slept with you, but you can never be sure in these stories…'

**He started to get up, looking around for his underwear. A couple of minutes later, he was zipping his fly, just when Lily opened her eyes. Her lips turned up in that smile he loved so much.**

'**Good morning,' she yawned, stretching. **

For some reason – probably the thought of waking up with Lily lying next to him – James really liked that part. He just had to imagine Remus out of the picture and things would be wonderful.

This feeling only intensified when he suddenly felt Lily's hand on his knee. They exchanged a secret glance, thinking the others didn't notice them. They missed the big smirks Sirius, Remus and Peter shared.

**_Think of James_, he told himself. "Good morning, Lily."**

**She purred and looked at him from the bed. **

'She _purred_?' said Sirius. 'You _purr _in the morning, Lily?'

'I – well – maybe. That's none of your business.'

"**You're very awake for this time of morning."**

'Remus always is,' said Peter. 'Except now, it's a sign of _drama_. Notice the signs, fanfiction!Lily! It isn't subtext – it's there! It's obvious!'

**_You can't be with her_. 'Yes, well, I have some other places to be today.' He deliberately kept his tone as cool and businesslike as possible. **

'Git,' Lily said.

**It would be best if he did it like this – if she thought he didn't like her anymore. **

'What? No! What works best is if you explained it to me!'

Sirius coughed very loudly. 'Yes, because you would just accept that and you wouldn't bother him about how your love was worth it.'

'I'd understand. I understand right now.'

'So if James broke up with you because Peter loved you, you'd just accept that? No, you wouldn't and you know it,' said Sirius.

**It would hurt, yes, **

'Exactly! Think of my feelings!'

'I'm already thinking about James's! There are only so many feelings I can think of at the same time!'

**but she'd get over him more easily that way.**

Lily blinked. 'That's a cruel logic, but I suppose there would be some truth it in… You shouldn't try it in real life, though. In case we ever… no, never mind. This probably won't happen anyway.'

**Lily sat up, holding the duvet against her chest. **

'Shame,' Sirius said.

'**Remus? Is something wrong?'**

'**No, not at all. I just don't want to hang around too long.' **

'You're being _really _mean. Do you have to be so jerk-y about it?'

'I have my reasons for doing this!'

'It's so funny when they are personally offended by what happens in those fics,' said Peter. 'Not as funny as when Sirius thinks it, but close. Especially Lily.'

'Definitely,' said James.

**He shrugged as he buttoned up his shirt, focusing on his fingers rather than her face, because he was afraid he'd give in to his desires if he looked into her beautiful green eyes.**

'That's so sad. Let me play you a song on the tiniest violin in the world,' said Sirius. 'Oh, woe is Remus, who slept with his best friend's girl!'

'Hey, there have been great love stories written about that,' Remus said. '_Tristan and Isolde_ had the same premise and everybody felt sorry for Tristan!'

'Yeah, until he married someone else and just left the country,' said Lily.

'**You don't want to stay?' she asked. 'Why not?'**

'Lily, get the hints,' said Peter. 'Geez.'

'**Because I have better things to do than hang around you.' He looked into the mirror as he adjusted his tie. He tried not to glance at her reflection, but it was impossible to miss her confused and hurt expression.**

'**Remus? Is it… is it me?' she said. **

'Oh. I'm breaking my heart,' Lily said. 'It's not you, it's James!'

'**Did I do something wrong? **

'At the risk of interrupting an emotional moment… yes, you did,' said Peter. 'You were such a Sue that everybody fell in love with you, but now your Sue powers are waning and one character chooses his friend instead of you!'

'She's not a Sue in this,' said Remus. 'A Sue could never be treated this way, not even by someone who secretly still loved her. If Lily was a Sue, I'd sacrifice my friendship with James like _that_.' He snapped his fingers. 'Just for a moment in her arms.'

**Was I… not good?'**

'Oh, shit. I think that was my first time,' Lily said. 'And you're killing my afterglow. You're being _such _a bastard, Remus. I hope you feel guilty in this story.'

'**Of course not. You were fine. Great, even.' **

'I feel the love,' said James. As if to make up for fanfiction!Lily's loneliness, his hand trailed up and down Lily's arm and he pressed a kiss to her temple.

**He pulled up his tie and stared his reflection straight in the eye. Hating himself more than he ever had before, **

'As you should, because you're being incredibly cruel.'

**he said, 'In fact, I thought you were a pro.'**

Lily's jaw dropped and she looked at the Companion. 'Remus said that to me? _Remus_? I don't care if he's hurting me because he loves James – that's just really, _really _low.'

'On behalf of my fanfiction!self, I apologise.' Remus held up his hands. 'I'm sure you don't have sex like a pro.'

'That, Moony, was a stupid thing to add,' Sirius said, shaking his head. 'If we ever worried about this scenario happening in real life, you just effectively killed your chances.'

'Good. It just might save his life. I'd _kill _him if he told me that in real life.'

**_You can't be with her. Think of James_. Those thoughts became meaningless when he turned around and looked at Lily, her chin wobbling and her eyes brimming with tears. **

'Someone give fanfiction!me some chocolate ice cream and a big hug,' Lily said. 'I need it. Big time.'

**He wished he could hold her, tell her he was sorry, that she was amazing, a miracle… but he couldn't do that. His friendship was more important than his love.**

'Horribly as Remus is executing this… It's nice there's a story where friendship is more important than romantic love,' said Sirius. 'I mean, he's being incredibly stupid, having sex with Lily and then dumping her, but at least his friends still matter. I've read more than enough stories where the Sue!girlfriend suddenly became the only thing that mattered to one of us.'

'I agree,' said Lily. 'But Remus is still an incredible jerk. He could've thought of James _before _we had sex.'

'**Well, thanks for the night. **

Lily made a fist at the book.

**I need to go,' he said, picking up his bag from the floor. 'Have a nice life, Lily.'**

'And that's the end of that story,' said James. 'Everybody who wants to hit fanfiction!Remus say "Aye."'

'Aye,' the others said.

'It's a good thing I've got cake,' Lily said, taking a piece of James's cake. 'And that, mean as Remus was in the story, at least there was no rape, no abduction, just… a very unlucky me and a bastardly-yet-loyal Remus. It's sad, but I'm not feeling murderously angry.'

'For a change,' Sirius said.

'Yes, indeed. Can we read something a bit more positive now?'

'Positive is coming right up,' said James, already looking for the next story.


	60. Ariana Riddle IX

James halted after only a couple of pages. 'This one… it's not necessarily a happy one, but it's the new Ariana. Personally, I'm quite curious about what happens after Voldemort flies into the Great Hall – maybe she'll be killed in this chapter.'

'Oh, ye cruel man, giving us hope when deep inside we know that will never happen,' said Peter. He sliced himself another piece of the cake, knowing he'd need it. 'At least now we all have miniature Sporks. That must make this better.'

'What were you saying about giving hope when knowing better?' said James. 'Something with pots and kettles…?'

'**Oh no!' Sirius gasped. **

'Oh, great, so now I'm _gasping_?'

'People keep saying I make a problem out of dialogue tags,' said Remus, 'but Sirius is so much worse. He's _always _complaining about him gasping or murmuring or whatever they make him do.'

'Yes, and rightfully so!' said Sirius. 'It's out of character for me! And I wouldn't be _gasping _"Oh no" – I'd be cheering!'

'**Whatever could he want?'**

Sirius blinked. 'Or I could talk like I come from a nineteenth-century novel, while having the IQ of a mouldy turnip. He just said what he wanted, you eejit. Ariana. So give her to him and have this all done with.'

'**Maybe he wants to harm Ariana,' James surmised, **

'Wow, you think?' James said.

'I think the intelligence level of the both of you has reached a _Stagman_-like low point,' said Remus.

**his face filled with fear for his best friend. **

James frowned and looked at Sirius. 'Why am I suddenly afraid for you?'

'Maybe You-Know-Who is going to kill him for talking,' said Peter. 'Or maybe he thinks Padfoot will get hit when You-Know-Who starts attacking Ariana.'

**He would hate to see her **

Sirius glared at the book. 'I'm not a girl.'

'Ariana is,' said Lily. 'At least, that's what she thinks she is, I'm more inclined to call her an alien, but…'

'Ariana isn't Prongs's best friend! Bad author!'

**get hurt in any way – **

'Except maybe by a Spork to the head,' said James. 'That would be fine.'

Suddenly, a disembodied voice cried out, 'SUE ALERT! SUE ALERT!'

The Marauders and Lily jumped up, armed with their Sporks and their wands, ready to attack, but… nothing happened.

'Hello?' Sirius called to the ceiling. 'Person? Hello? No Sues here. Just Ariana…'

'This is weird,' said Peter.

'Thank you, Captain Obvious,' Lily said. 'What _was _that?'

'_Who _was that?' said Remus. 'And what Sues?'

'Maybe Ariana will tell us,' James said.

**she was too good a person to have anything bad happen to her. **

Lily coughed.

'You okay, Evans?' Sirius said, grinning.

'Yeah, I just had some hatred stuck in my throat. I'm fine now.'

**Already she'd taken a place in all their hearts, **

'I just get the feeling she cut out our hearts and keeps them on a shelf,' said Remus. 'I'm sticking to that image.'

**a place that would forever be empty without her.**

'**Ariana?' Voldemort cackled, looking around the room. **

**Ariana cowered against Sirius, **

' – who promptly threw her on the aisle and watched while Voldemort ended her Sue-existence,' said Sirius. 'I _hope_.'

**hoping he wouldn't see her. **

Remus cocked his head. 'Why wouldn't she want Sirius to see her?'

'She means Voldie, Moony,' said James.

'That's not to whom the pronoun refers. Sirius is the last-mentioned male; he's even mentioned in that very sentence! This is a sign of sloppy writing. Maybe…' Remus choked and clutched his Spork. 'Maybe bad grammar is on its way…'

**She was scared of this man who had no nose. **

'Because when faced with an evil Wizard, you fear his noselessness,' said Peter. 'Forever afraid he's going to sneeze all over you…'

**Sirius put an arm around her, **

Remus's mouth turned up in a smile. 'Now it just sounds like Sirius doesn't have a nose.'

**ready to shield her with his life if he had to.**

'Fine! Die then!' Sirius averted his eyes. 'I'd rather you _died _than defile my Sirius Blackness any longer!'

**Then, when everybody seemed too afraid to do anything, Lily got up. **

'Let's hope I'm going to be really Scary,' said Lily. 'I've a Spork at the ready and I'm not afraid to use it.'

**She shook her red hair from her face and her eyes, green like a snake, **

'I prefer the overdone "emerald" comparison, thank you very much.'

**were focused on Ariana. Pointing a strange object, a mixture between a fork and a spoon, **

Lily's jaw dropped. She pointed at the book and started jumping up and down. 'A Spork! I have a Spork! I HAVE A SPORK IN THERE! I'm really going to Spork her!' She clapped her hands and giggled. 'Oh, I love myself.'

**at Ariana's beauty, **

'At her stupid _face,_ you mean! Spork her. Spork her _hard_.'

**she said, 'That is Ariana Riddle, sir.'**

'Look at that. While you're all being stupid lapdogs…' She looked at the others, '_I'm _wielding the Holy Spork of Gryffindor, giving Ariana to Voldemort so we're free of her, and being polite all the while. I'd say _I'm _the Mary Sue in this fic. My coolness is so bright, those characters need sunglasses! Wow!'

'**Lily! How could you?' Sirius exclaimed, **

'Common sense,' said Sirius. 'You should try it.'

**dread filling him. **

'"He knew he shouldn't have had beans for lunch that day, and now everybody was quiet…"' said Peter.

'**How dare you betray Ariana like that?'**

'I'm not betraying anyone. I'm extraditing Ariana for the safety of everyone in the school.'

'**The world is better off without her, Black,' she spat. **

'Lily, you are amazing,' said James. 'Even in fanfiction, you are _amazing_.'

'**Nobody wants her here.'**

'**That's not true,' Remus contradicted her. **

'Yes, it is!' said Remus, too shocked to note his character's horrible dialogue tag. 'Look around you, fanfiction!me! You know that if Ariana was gone, everything would be better. Look at Sirius, at what he's become. Look at James, who now thinks Ariana is his best friend. Look at where Peter used to be, before she brutally murdered him. We don't want her in our school!'

'**We _all _want her here. **

'Except for everyone with a brain,' said James.

**We love her, Lily.'**

'"We" love her.' Sirius looked at Remus. '"We" love her. Who are you including in that "we", Moony? Lily? Tiffany? _Me_?'

**Lily narrowed her eyes. She was afraid of the competition Ariana presented, **

'What competition? I'm standing there, being one kick-ass bitch,' said Lily. 'You _are _no competition, Ariana, no matter what you like to think.'

**and she was terrified of the Dark Wizard floating above their heads. **

Remus chuckled. 'That just sounds like there's this big, Voldemort-shaped balloon. Yes, I'm really frightened now.'

**If handing Ariana in could safe Lily's life, **

'If handing Ariana in was possible,' said Peter. 'Life-saving isn't necessary, though it is a nice bonus.'

**pathetic and shallow though it was, **

James stopped reading and looked at his girlfriend, knowing an outburst was sure to come. And indeed, she did not let him down.

'Oh, so _my _life is shallow? Thus far, _you're _the one who was only interested in people's looks! _You're _the one who thinks Sirius is wonderful because he's handsome! _You're _the one who thinks she's some extra Marauder after you've known them for all but a month. And my life is amazing. I have a backbone, I have things I stand for – even though I don't get that monarchy-thing – and there I am, talking to Voldemort without showing fear. You, Ariana, are just - '

'Let's continue.' said Sirius. 'I want to see Voldemort end this.'

**than Lily was more than willing to make the sacrifice. **

'Sorry to upset you so quickly after the last time,' said James, 'but this sentence… the first "then" is spelled with an A.'

Remus closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. 'Let's… I'll pretend I don't know that, okay?'

'**She is only a new student. **

'She is only a _Sue!_'

**How can you say you _love _her?'**

'I adore how you point out all the flaws,' said Peter. 'Lily, in this story, you're my hero.'

'Aah. thank you!'

'**Because of her beauty **

'Sorry, _who_ was shallow again, hmm?'

**and kind character,' said Sirius. **

'Sirius, you talk more bullshit in _this _than you do in real life,' said James. 'And I didn't think it was possible.'

'**You're just jealous!'**

'Of _what?_' Lily snarled. 'I have friends, I have power, apparently I'm pretty and successful and quite happy at Hogwarts. I obviously dislike the Marauders, so I can't be jealous of _that_… What, Ariana, do you have that I could want?'

'**I am not! I am the Queen in this school – Ariana is but a humble servant to my position!' **

'You're such a Scary Sue, but I love you so much.' Peter shook his head. 'If I weren't dead in this fic, fanfiction!me would ask fanfiction!you to marry him. I'd write a fanfiction about that.'

**Everybody knew things were getting serious when James said, 'No, Lily. That's where you're wrong. Ariana is the kindest, sweetest, most amazing girl that's ever been in Hogwarts. **

James let a moment of silence fall. Nobody commented on this section. They all just looked at their Sporks and let the stupidity sink in.

**You might be pretty, but inside, you're empty.'**

'**You just say that,' she whispered, shocked.**

'He does. He obviously doesn't know you well,' said Lily. 'You and Tiffany are by _far _the most well-rounded characters in this.'

'By the way, isn't there supposed to be an Evil Overlord in the room?' Peter said. 'Are we just ignoring him to focus on Lily and James's non-existent love? And is You-Know-Who just standing there?'

'Well, I did call him sir,' said Lily. 'Maybe he just returns the politeness and lets me finish my conversation.'

**He shook his head. 'No, Lily. This is the truth.' **

'And James has never been wrong before,' said Remus. 'Especially when it comes to judging people, Prongs is like the Oracle of Delphi.'

'**Ariana!' Voldemort bellowed. The sound was like the murder on a thousand kittens. **

'I… remember that phrase,' said Sirius. 'Why do I remember that phrase?'

'**Join me in my quest to take over the world!'**

'I know how I remember _that _phrase,' said Peter. 'Wasn't that almost word-for-word what Dumbledore said to you when he had that hand fetish?'

Sirius nodded. 'Oh, yugh. Is fanfiction!me going to be left for Voldemort? That's… That's… a relief, actually.'

'This does show what a horrible Mary Sue she is.' Remus's voice was detached. He could hardly believe he was reading this. 'Even Voldemort just comes to Hogwarts to ask her to join him. She's that special. _Merlin_.'

**Ariana got up. Though she was afraid, she didn't show it. **

'We'll all just forget the part where she was cowering against Padfoot, shall we?' said Remus.

'**Never!'**

'I'd be more impressed by this show of backbone if the line wasn't such a cliché,' Sirius said.

**Voldemort came down from his broom. 'You _will _join me, Ariana.'**

'Dude, didn't you get the memo?' said Peter. 'She's supposed to destroy you. Remember, child of the moon, or whatever she was according to that prophecy?'

**She shook her head. 'Never!'**

'That line isn't improving with repetition, love,' Sirius said.

**Voldemort laughed. 'Ha ha ha,' **

'Yes, that is generally the sound people make when they laugh,' said Remus. 'You don't have to tell us.'

**he chuckled. **

Remus could only blink at this monstrosity. How stupid did this author think her readers were? How much hand-holding did she think her readers needed?

'**Oh, Ariana, you are so like your mother.'**

Lily looked at Peter. 'Do you see subtext in this as well?'

He nodded. 'Gross, though. First he sleeps with her mother, now he wants Ariana herself… Dirty old man, he is.'

**Everyone gasped.**

'All at the same time?' said Peter. 'That must sound funny…'

'**H-how do you know about my mother?' Ariana asked. 'What have you done to her?'**

'**That is of no importance, childe,' **

Remus was torn between facepalming, crying, or just giving up on life altogether. He decided to go for the first. 'Childe? Really? _Voldemort _calls her that? Come _on_, author!'

**he chided. 'What matters is for you to join me. Together, we can rule!'**

**She shook her head. 'I'll never join you, you _monster_!'**

'Someone needs to give her catchier one-liners,' said Sirius. 'Ariana, have a talk to your script-writer, make her work on this. Your witty quips leave something to be desired.'

'**If you only knew the power of the Dark Side,' Voldemort offered in a seductive voice. **

'NO! If he already slept with her mum, this is gross! This is gross!' Peter said. 'You're too old for her!'

'Well, Remus isn't old enough to be a paedophile yet,' said James. '_Someone _needs to fill that role.'

'**William never told you what happened to your father.'**

'… Oh no. No. No.' James looked as if he was about to be sick. 'William? As in, my… "father"? Don't tell me Ariana and I are related. Don't. Please, don't. I couldn't take it.'

'**He told me enough! **

'Yeah, well, he never told me anything!'

**He told me _you _killed him!' **

'But not before that bloke could sire you, apparently,' said Sirius. 'Couldn't you have done the killing a little sooner, Voldie?'

**Ariana was crying now, at the thought of her father being murdered by this cruel man. **

'Finally, she cares about someone else,' said Lily. 'The timing isn't too great, but: baby steps. Baby steps.'

**She had never known her father, and especially when her mother had died, she had often longed for the comforting and protective arms of a father-figure. **

'Why didn't we get this characterization earlier?' said Lily. 'This is important, author. This explains why she's so weird!'

**Instead, all she'd gotten was loneliness and rejection, at least until she got to Hogwarts and discovered Sirius's love.**

'That just sounds like I'm some sort of gigolo,' said Sirius. 'And I blame you, author.'

**Voldemort smirked evilly. **

'He is such a _ham_,' Remus said.

'**No. _I _am your father.'**

'Wh… I…' James looked around, but the others were just as dumbfounded as he was. 'I did not see that one coming, I'll give the author that.'

'Voldemort is Ariana's father?' said Remus. 'Voldemort? Her _father_? That's… Wow. That's one _big _reveal.'

'And now we know why she is the way she is.' When the others gave her strange looks, Lily said, 'You don't think that Voldemort's child is normal, do you? Psychopathy must run in the family.'

'Her Sue-status has just gone up to eleven thousand, by the way,' said Remus. '_Nothing _she will do can make this right again.'

**Everyone gasped.**

'Again,' Sirius said.

'**No. No! That's not true! That's impossible!' Ariana denied, horror taking over. 'NO!'**

'And that is the end,' said James. 'Wow. _What _a chapter. If anything, the ending took us by surprise…'

'One more?' said Peter.

'One more.'


	61. The Marauders' Companion

'Hey,' Sirius said suddenly. 'I just came up with something.'

'The answer is _no,_' Remus said.

'No, Moony, the answer is _yes_. Remember when we made that bet on who the person was that came flying in through the window, before we knew it was Voldemort? In the previous Ariana?'

'Hmmhmm,' James said, not looking up from the Companion.

'Well, I did say it was her father. Fine, he didn't come to protect me, but I think I've made my point here.' Sirius smiled smugly and held out his hand. 'Pay up, everyone.'

'Did we make bets for money?' said Lily

'We only do that when Sirius turns out to have won,' said Peter. 'He'll stop in a few minutes.'

'You wankers.' Sirius didn't seem fazed in the least, but lay back on his table. 'Is there any cake left?'

'Yes,' said Remus.

Sirius waited a couple of seconds. When nothing happened, he sat up, resting on his elbows. 'So, get me some.'

'Get some yourself.'

'But I'm so comfortable!'

Remus rolled his eyes, but didn't move. Just when Sirius decided he gave up and would get his _own _cake, since apparently no one loved him, James said, 'Oh, hey! There was a poll among the readers!'

'A poll?' said Peter.

James nodded. 'The question – very shocking, this – was "Who is your favourite Marauder?"'

'Why would anyone bother asking that?' said Sirius. 'What's the point of the poll if you can only answer one thing? It's not like anyone is going to vote for a Marauder who isn't me…'

'I think _someone _is forgetting who the sex on legs in this room was,' Remus said.

Sirius and Peter snorted.

'Oh, sure, Moony,' said Sirius. 'I'm sure all your rabid fan girls have voted for you.'

James's jaw dropped as he saw the results. 'I'm _third_?!'

'What, I only take up the first and second place?' said Sirius. 'Someone bothered to vote for you?'

'Sirius, stop the egotripping,' said Lily. 'You're annoying.'

'_You're _annoying!'

Lily didn't reply to that. Instead, she looked over James's shoulder to see what the results were. 'Ha! Oh, ha, Sirius! HA!'

Alarmed, Sirius jumped off the table. 'What?'

'Remus won! He's the most popular!'

This took both Sirius and Remus by surprise. Sirius didn't take it well. 'WHAT?'

'I… I am?' said Remus, flattered.

'How did that happen?' Sirius said. 'Fan girls, HELLO? What's _wrong _with you? When did Remus become the most popular? _Why_?'

'His dry wit, sweet character and intelligence?' said Lily. 'His pick-up lines? The fact that his kid is a Metamorphmagus? Have I mentioned his intelligence yet?'

'You have.' James cleared his throat. 'Remus has forty-one percent of the votes. You, Padfoot, have only got thirty-six. And then there I am, with a grand total of nineteen percent, and… Peter, with two percent!'

Peter looked taken aback. 'I have votes at all?'

James nodded. 'I knew there were fans out there for you, Pete.'

'Yes… Oh. Wow. I have _fans_. Some people like me better than you!' For this moment, it didn't matter to Pete that he was always the butt monkey in those stories. It didn't matter that nobody ever seemed to pay attention to him. It didn't even matter to him he'd lost by far. What mattered was that there were people out there who liked him better than they liked Sirius's good looks, James's True Love™ or Remus's wit.

He had fans.

_Fans!_

'And Lily just doesn't have any votes at all?' Sirius raised his eyebrows at Lily, a taunting smile on his lips.

'I wasn't one of the options. I'm not a Marauder, you know,' she said. 'That doesn't mean I'm not the most popular of you lot. Maybe that's why I'm not an option for the poll; they felt it would be useless, because everyone would vote for me anyway.' She flicked her hair over her shoulder in a perfect Valley-girl imitation that was lost on Sirius. 'After all, I'm the one who decided to Spork Ariana _in-story_.'

'That… is true,' he said. 'But it still doesn't explain how _Moony _won! Why? WHY?'

Remus just shrugged. 'Oh, I suppose I've always known I was the most loved…'

Grinning, Sirius smacked him on the head. 'Don't get cocky, now, Moony, or you might lose those fans of yours.'

'Never!'

It was the same voice they'd heard earlier. Sirius tensed, looking around, but again, he didn't see anything.

'I'm starting to get freaked out by that,' said Lily. 'Is it just a ghost?'

'Probably,' James said. 'They live forever – they're bound to get bored. There was a time when Nick came to our dorm almost every evening and told us about his life all night long, and then when we woke up, he was still talking…'

'How riveting,' said Lily.

'Oh, it was. He had a very interesting life,' Remus said. 'And it helped a lot for my History essays…'

'Remus was the only one who listened, obviously,' said Sirius.

'So, shall we just do another chapter, to entertain our ghostly visitor?' James said. 'There's a story named _The Marauders' Companion_. Isn't that meta, a story with that name in the actual Companion?'

'My curiosity is awakened,' said Peter.

**You'll never guess what I found in the library,' said Sirius, as he sat down on the couch between James and Lily. In his hands he held a large book with a black leather binding. **

Sirius cleared his throat and looked at the Companion and its black leather binding. He decided it was safer not to say the scene sounded familiar; it might just be his memory playing with him.

'**A book?' said James. **

'**Yes!'**

'I…' Lily cocked her head. '… am having a sense of déjà vu…'

'**Good for you, Sirius,' said Lily, looking a bit miffed. **

'Why?' said Peter.

'Because I was having quality time with James,' she said. 'Oh, shit. This is very…'

'**After only six and a half years at Hogwarts, you've finally found out what the library's for. I am so proud of you. Now, do you know what people generally do with books or have you not yet reached that stage?'**

'Okay, this is _really _getting scary,' said Lily. 'That scene at the lake is one thing – but how does this book know what we did _when we found it_? How did this happen? Huh?!'

'I don't know,' Remus said. 'I…'

'**There's no need to unleash your unresolved sexual tension on _me_, Evans,' said Sirius. 'James is sitting right over here. **

'So this is what you said when you found the Companion?' said Peter.

'Yes,' said Sirius. 'This is exactly what I said…'

**And yes, I know what to do with a book. The thing is, this book is _awesome_. It has stories – about us! **

'Yes! About what you're doing right now! Be worried!' Sirius told his book!self. 'Aren't you worried? I'm worried. Is anyone else worried?'

'I am,' said James.

**And some other people, but look, look.' He opened the book and read, '"_One-shot. A day in Lily Evans's life: missing breakfast, worrying about school, daydreaming about James Potter - wait, what? Written in the style of Bridget Jones's Diary. LE/JP_". **

'We've read that one!' said Peter. 'We've read it! It's in the Companion – but this is in the Companion, too? How does this work?!'

**That's about you, Evans! And James, obviously.'**

'I am now officially scared that Big Brother is watching me,' said Lily. She looked over her shoulder, but didn't see anything strange.

At that moment, the fourth wall was broken with an explosion, followed by a loud 'Oh, shit!' and a girl coming through the hole, eyes fixed on the floor covered in ex-wall. She had blonde hair and wore a vibrant red lipstick She was holding her wand awkwardly and when she looked up, her jaw went slack. 'Oh. Never mind then. No shit!'

'Did you just blow up the wall?' James said.

She glanced around. 'Yeah, I… did. I'm sorry for that.'

'No, it's fine, we've done it loads of times,' said Sirius. 'You could've just used the door, though.' He pointed at the door ten feet from where the girl was standing.

She smiled awkwardly and walked over to them, making sure she didn't step on any of the rocks. Only now did the Marauders notice she was actually quite small and just had very high heels she couldn't walk in.

'I'm sorry. I just… I've never had a wand before and I thought… blowing something up seemed like a good way to christen it,' she said, running a hand through her hair. 'And, you know, the expression is "breaking the fourth wall" and… I really wanted to blow something up.'

'Wait – did you say "breaking the _fourth _wall"?' said Remus.

She nodded. 'Yes. Sorry, I haven't introduced myself. My name's Miba and I'm a Mary Sue hunter.'

Lily looked at her heels. 'You hunt Sues in _those _shoes?'

'They're new,' Miba said. 'And they're only – wait, that doesn't matter right now. You _are _the Marauders, right? I didn't accidentally stumble into the _wrong _fanfiction?' She got a horror-struck expression on her face. 'I'm not in the world of Ariana Riddle, am I? Because _that _went really badly last time I went there - '

'No, no, you're in the real world,' said Peter.

A strange expression crossed her face, but it was quickly replaced by a wry smile. 'Okay then. Good. Did you get my messages?'

'Your messages?' said Remus. 'I don't think so…'

Her shoulders slumped. 'Did you get my Spork?'

'Yes!' Sirius held it up. 'You sent it? Why?'

'In case I become a Sue and one of you has to Spork me,' she said. 'Listen, I can't stay long. I still have a world to save and I'd like to watch another episode of _Buffy _tonight. Why I came here is this: I need one of you to follow me, diving into the darkest depths of doom, death and dreadful despair – _oh_, look at that alliteration! – also known as Suepolis. Now that you've been trained in the skills of Sporking, one of you must help me slay them.' Her sunny smile was at odds with the message she brought.

'Well, er…' said Lily, looking at the others. 'Sorry, _what_? You just come barging in and say one of us has to come with you?'

'I don't just come barging in. I sent a Spork first. But other than that, yes. Sorry. If this is a bad time, but there is this horrible trend going on in my world, where Mary Sues appear in works of published fiction.' Miba swallowed and had to take a couple of deep breaths before she could continue. 'I _need _your help.'

'I'm more than happy to help any time,' said Peter, stepping forward like a brave knight.

Miba fidgeted with her wand, hardly noticing the sparks it was erupting. 'When I say "you", I sort of meant "Sirius". I'm a bit of a fan girl,' she admitted sheepishly.

Sirius smirked at Remus. 'Say what you want about those votes, Moony, but I don't see _your _fan girls coming into our world asking for your help.'

'Oh, I'm a Remus fan girl, too,' she said quickly. 'Just… if I had to pick one of you, it would be Sirius. James and Lily need to have Harry to save the Wizarding world, Remus is just an amazing teacher and really needed by Hogwarts, and…' She halted and searched for something nice to say – not her best skill. 'And… Peter is going to have this great love affair I wouldn't want him to miss.'

'Meaning I'm _not _going to have a great love affair?' said Sirius.

'You could have one with me?' she said. 'We could be a battle couple, fighting Sues at day and discussing literature and having sex at night.'

'Well, if you put it like that…' He shrugged. 'Sounds like fun.'

'He'll come back once in a while, right?' said James, when Sirius went to stand beside Miba.

'Of course,' she said. 'After all, he is going to have a godchild to… be godfather-y to. You'll still see him loads of times. Sporkers have _great_ holiday schedules to make up for the risk of Sue-infection. Oh, and one more thing… _Accio Companion!_' She beamed as the book floated towards her, at least until it stopped about two feet in front of her and fell to the floor. 'Note to self: practice magic,' she muttered, picking it up.

'Have fun, Pads,' Lily said. 'And don't let those Sues get to you!'

'Don't worry, Evans. The moment they dare to come near me, I'll recite your rants about their shallowness.' He winked at her and held up his hand in salute to the others. Then he turned to Miba. 'So, what's our first stop?'

She pulled a Spork out of her jeans pocket. 'A horrible place called the _Twilightverse_. Think you can do this?'

He nodded, and so they left through the hole in the fourth wall, and they Sporked and lived happily ever after.

The end.

* * *

**A/N: It's my fic and I'll write a self-insert if I want to. Anyway, thank you all for reading this! All the stories they read were written by me, save for:**

**Chapter 11 (Chocoholic) and 54 (Hidden desires) by _Carrot Bunny_  
**

**Chapter 23 (Thirty Ms), which was an edited version of the story Thirty Hs by _Secondpillow_  
**

**Chapter 24 (Serenity Starr and the Kings of Time), originally _Serenity the Mary Sue_ and chapter 56 (I'm still a Marauder) by _dndchk_  
**

**Chapter 26 (Going under), by _millie-mae_  
**

**Chapter 39 (Forbidden Love) by ****_FeetofFire_ and _magic-will-never-end7_**_  
_

**Chapter 45 (Peter's revenge) by _Stromsten_  
**

**Chapter 13, 14, 25 and 40, by JK Rowling.  
**

**Again, thanks again for sticking with me. Reviews are always welcome and Sirius says hi from where he's lying in my bed, working on his next novel.  
**


End file.
